Chapter 1: Welcome To Ponyville
Welcome To Ponyville
Location Unknown
Sora awoke on the on the outskirts of a spooky forest. “Who ever sent that door really didn’t want me to avoid it,” he said to himself. He looked himself over to check for injuries, and even though he didn’t find any, he did notice something else. “And I’m a horse... Fantastic.” He was a light brown horse with a pair of small feathered wings, a spiky dark brown mane, much like his normal hair cut, a short dark brown tail, a tattoo of crystallized heart, much like the ones released from the heartless on his butt, and he was wearing a transformed version of jacket and shirt. It wasn’t the first time he was transformed into an animal but it was the first time his clothes transformed as well. It was a little weird but Sora wasn’t going to complain. As long as he still had them, he might still be able to use his drive abilities if he needed to. However the weirdest thing about this was the tattoo. If he had one it must be something common in this world.
Sora finally decided to look over the surrounding area and noticed something unnerving “There’s nothing wrong with this place,” he whispered. Every single world he visited had heartless there before he even arrived, with very few exceptions. Not to mention that doorways to other worlds aren't something people make normally. Even the spooky forest seemed normal enough, as far as spooky forests go, moss hanging from the trees, extremely dense, and plenty of creepy animal sounds coming out of it. After some more examining, Sora noticed a town in the distance, and decided to go there to see what he could find out.
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Sugarcube Corner
Pinkie Pie just finished playing Pumpkin and Pound Cake when she had a strange sensation. Her eyes fluttered, her tail twitched, and then her ears flopped. “I’ve never had that combo before,” she said to herself. “Although I don’t think it means something bad, though I have a strange feeling that I should go out for a walk.” Pinkie raised her voice. “Mrs. Cake, I need to go out for a bit,” Pinkie called into the other room.
“Okay Dearie,” the baker called back.
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Unknown Town
Sora was thoroughly confused. Yes he’d been to animal worlds before, but they were either the in wild or the animals were humanoid. The horses here were not humanoid, but this town was by all means a human town, there was houses, stores, roadside stalls, and even a castle in the distance. As he walked down the street he saw a bubble gum pink horse with a curly hot pink mane and tail, blue eyes, and a tattoo of three balloons on her butt, bouncing in the opposite direction. She seemed to know her way around town and almost everyone she passed, so Sora decided to ask her for directions. “Excuses me miss, can you tell me where I can…” he started before the horse jumped into the air and inhaled sharply before dashing away without ever touching the ground. Sora looked around and saw that all the other horses were looking at him, but then they smiled, shook their heads, and continued with their business. “I have no idea what just happened,” he commented aloud.
After shaking that pink horse's reaction off, Sora continued down the road looking for any signs of someone or something that could help. Suddenly he felt himself come to a halt as he fell down and piles fabric fell on top of him.
“Oh, dear, I’m dreadfully sorry,” a woman's voice apologized as Sora felt the fabric being lifted of him. He picked himself up and saw the lady was a white horse with a purple mane and tail that looked like they had to be combed, blue eyes, a horn coming out of her head, and a picture of three diamonds her butt. The fabrics were surrounded by a blue glow that matched a glow currently surrounding her horn. “Oh my stars darling,” she stated again, “wherever did you get these clothes. I’ve never seen anypony with an outfit quite like it.”
So they call themselves ponies. Great! If Riku ever finds out he’ll never let me live this down, Sora thought. “Long story short, I’m not from around here,” he explained.
“Oh you're new, Pinkie Pie will love that. Well, my name is Rarity,” the unicorn announced.
“It’s nice to meet you Rarity, I’m Sora,”
“What a lovely unusual name to go with such a nice young stallion like yourself. Well, sorry I bumped into”
“Actually Rarity, I could use some help. Do you know where I can find out local history around here?” Sora asked. He needed to find out as much as he could if hoped to blend in.
“History. Oh I know just the Pony who can help. I’ll even take you there myself, but I’m afraid I have drop off this fabric at my boutique first. Care to join me, I could show you around ponyville while I’m at it,”
“Why not, I could definitely use the directions.”
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Twilight’s Castle
“What do you think Fluttershy?” Twilight Sparkle asked her friend, gesturing to the decorations in the throne room, a room with a circle of six thrones with the cutie marks of Twilight and her friends, and one small throne next to Twilight's. Behind each throne was decorations that matched the personality of the pony it was meant for. But the thing that was the most amazing was that one section somehow flowed into the others.
“They’re amazing,” Fluttershy answered.
“I know, Rarity has truly outdone herself this time,”
“Twilight! Twilight!” Pinkie Pie called out as she burst into the room, “There’s a new pony in town, you need to tell me where he lives so I can throw him a party!”
“Pinkie calm down! I don’t know of any new ponies in town. And besides the point, the last time you did that was with me. What makes me and him so special that you felt the need to throw us a surprise party before you even introduce your self?” Twilight asked.
“There something special about him. Just a this feeling I have, kinda like I did with you.”
“I suppose it’s hard to argue with that,” Twilight resigned. “If you're so insistent on throwing this new stallion a surprise Pinkie Pie Bash, you can use the castle's main hall.”
“Oh thank you thank you thank you Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said excitedly. She then turned her attention to Fluttershy. “Are you coming?” She asked the shy pony.
“I don’t know, you know how I get around new ponies,” the pegasus explained, “but I suppose I can at least say I will try to make it.”
“Okie-Dokie-Loki!” Pinkie Pie replied. “Oh, can you tell Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash to gather up everypony for me? I need to start decorating!”
“Okay, I suppose,”
“Thanks!” And with that the pink pony bounce downstairs.
“Well I’d better get going too” Fluttershy announced quietly.
“That's fine. I’d better continue organizing the library. Spike, you want to help?” She asked the the baby dragon currently sitting in his tiny throne.
“Sure thing Twilight!” He said getting up.
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Ponyville Streets
“And here we are, Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique,” Rarity began gesturing at a tent shaped building with walls that were blue with white patterns surrounding the windows, purple pillars placed close to the walls, a roof with a purple checkerboard patten, and so many more patterns and decorations that Sora thought describing this place to others would be impossible. “Speaking of unique garments, I don’t suppose you’ll let me look over yours some time. They’re just so inspirational.”
“We’ll see,” Sora lied. The way he saw it, the less impact he left on this world, the better. As they got closer he noticed an orange pony, with green eyes, freckles, a blond mane and tail, each tied together at the end with what seemed to be red scrunchies, and a tattoo of three apples on her butt.
The pony walked up to Rarity. “Rarity, ya seen Applebloom anywhere?” she asked in a thick western accent.
“Oh, yes Applejack. She and her crusader friends wanted to try their hoof in a little sewing, so I let them use the leftover fabrics from the castle’s decor. I just got back from restocking,” Rarity told the orange pony.
“Are ya sure leaving them alone in there was safe?” Applejack asked.
“Oh darling, you worry too much. They’ve been running around zip lining. No matter how bad they are at sewing, it still safer. And none of are stupid enough to severely injure themselves. Worst case scenario, they get a small needle puncture cut on their hoof,”
“Ah suppose you're right,” Applejack’s gaze moved to Sora, “So who’s this.”
“Oh, I’m Sora,” The caramel pony explained.
"I’ve never seen anypony like you around here before. You new?” Applejack asked.
“Um, yeah,”
“Well it’s nice to meet you Sora, hope you feel welcome here in Ponyville, Well I’d better get going, got a lot of chores to do before Pinkie Pie finds out, if ya know what I mean,”
Sora decided to interrupted. “Who’s Pinkie Pie?” he asked.
“Oh, she’s one of our friends,” Applejack started.
“I’m sure you’ll meet her soon,” Rarity continued.
“If ya haven’t already,” the cowpony giggled, before turning away to leave.
“Wait Applejack,” Rarity interrupted, “do you need me to get Applebloom for you?”
“Nah, just wanted to make sure she’s safe. She left without telling anyone,” Applejack explained. “In all honesty, I was afraid she was zip lining again.”
“Okay then,” the unicorn replied.
Rarity then opened up the door to her boutique and walked in. After a few seconds the door popped back open and Rarity came out and looked out at Sora. “Come on dear, you don’t have to wait outside. Come on in!” she encouraged.
“Uh, Okay,” Sora responded confused.
Sora walked in to see three fillies staring back and standing around a pile of torn up cloth and something that was so haphazardly sewn together that Sora couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. There was one orange pegasus with purple eyes, and dark pink mane and tail, one white unicorn with green eyes, and purple and pink mane and tail, and one yellow pony with amber eyes, a red mane and tail, and a pink bow in her main.
“Girls, this is Sora,” Rarity spoke up. “I’m going to take him to see Twilight, but first I need to put these away.” She gestured towards the bags of fabric she was carrying with her magic, “So while we’re here try not to bother him too much.” She looked at the white pony. “And Sweetie Belle, when you and your friends are done you will clean this up, right?”
“Of course I will sis,” she said the little unicorn before fluttering her eyes and smiling brightly. Sora had to admit it was really cute, but it seemed like the little filly was trying to make her sister leave faster.
“Well okay then.” Rarity turned to look at Sora. “Please wait down here while I put these in my room,” she said before finally heading up the stairs.
In an instant the three fillies were right in front of Sora. “Ya know, his cutie mark is kind of pretty for a boy,” the orange one said.
“What?” Sora asked confused. Although what he really was thinking was, what the hell’s a cutie mark? though he didn’t dare say it out loud.
“A crystal heart, seriously you can’t blame me for saying it’s a bit gri…” the pegasus began to explain before the yellow pony covered her mouth.
“We’re sorry, our friend here doesn’t know the meaning of the word tact,” Sweetie Belle apologized as the bow topped pony released the pegasus.
“What are you, a dictionary?” the winged filly asked the little unicorn. in an insulting way.
That tattoo thing is called a cutie mark! Great! If Riku ever finds out I’m ruined!, he thought.
“See, ya hurt his feelings” the earth bound pony told her winged friend.
Hearing this made Sora realize that they notice his concern, even if they miss understood about what it was about. “No, don’t worry, it’s okay,” Sora quickly intervened. “So what’s your names?”
The unicorn responded first "I'm Sweetie Belle, Rarity's little sister," she said.
"I'm Scootaloo," the pegasus continued.
"And I'm Applebloom," the yellow pony finished.
"Applebloom, so you're the one Applejack was looking for," Sora commented.
"My sister was looking for me, what did she want?" the filly asked.
"Just to make sure you weren't zip lining," Sora smiled.
The three fillies couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Yeah, it didn't take long for us to realize we weren’t getting our cutie marks in that,” Sweetie Belle joked.
“And Scootaloo here wanted to try it again,” Applebloom added.
Scootaloo stopped laughing, “Okay, okay you win,” she lightly shouted before turning to Sora, “You know what, remember what we did after the last time we tried zip lined?” she asked.
“Yeah, we went around asking everypony how they earned their cutie marks,” Sweetie Belle answered and Sora didn’t like where this was going, although it did explain why these three didn’t have cutie makes of their own. They haven’t earned them yet.
Applebloom's eyes widened in a moment of realization. “So mister, how did you earn your cutie mark?” she asked.
“It’s a long story. Maybe some other time,” Sora responded hesitantly. He knew it wasn't a good excuse, but what else could he say? I woke up with it this morning, that wouldn’t go over too well.
“Okay girls that enough,” Rarity called over as she walked down the stairs. “I thought I told you not to cause the gentlemen too much trouble.” She walked over to Sora. “Well let’s get going. I promised to take you to see Twilight.”
“Okay,” Sora responded and then turned to face the three fillies, “see you later I guess,”
“Okay,” they said simultaneously. Sora and Rarity walked outside and started down the street when Sora noticed Applejack walking towards them once again. “Rarity, Fluttershy wanted me to tell ya to be a the castle in three hours,” she explained.
“Oh, but we were about to head there now,” Rarity said.
“No!” the blond maned pony shouted causing both Rarity and Sora to look at her in shock. She coughed into a hoof and continued. “Twilight isn’t there right now,” she said hesitantly.
Rarity looked confused for a second and then her eyes widened, as if the answer just hit her. “Oh, yes, I see,” she turned to Sora. “Well I suppose we have some time on our hoofs. Why don’t I finish showing you around Ponyville while we wait?”
“That’s an excellent idea. Well, ah better get back and, uh, finish my chores,” Applejack spoke up quickly before running off.
“Come on darling, we’ve better get going to, a lot of Ponyville to cover in such a short amount of time,” the unicorn insisted.
“Okay, okay,” Sora said in defeat, as they started to walk through the streets of Ponyville.
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Ponyville Park
Applejack was trotting around looking up in the trees. “Oh, there you are Rainbow,” she said, looking upwards at the pegasus laying down and taking a nap.
“Hey Applejack, what's up?” Rainbow asked.
“Fluttershy wanted me to tell ya that Pinkie’s throwing a party in the castle’s main hall, and she needs help inviting everypony,” Applejack explained.
“Really,” Rainbow Dash said excitedly, “what’s the occasion?”
“There’s a new pony in town,”
“Awesome! Did you meet this pony?”
“Yeah, Rarity’s currently keeping him busy while Pinkie finishes decorating,”
Rainbow Dash started to laugh. “So, what’s the poor guy look like?”
“Well, let’s see, he as a caramel coat, chocolate brown mane and tail, and he’s a pegasus,”
Rainbow Dash looked intrigued. “I wonder if he’s any good at flying,”
“Well ah suppose we’ll find out soon enough. By the way, your the fastest, so would ya mind spending the word of the party. We need to be their in about two hours so we get there before Sora. It is a surprise party after all. However ah have a few chores left to take care of before ah can go, so ah don’t have time to invite anypony,”
“Easy peasy lemon squeasy. Be done in a jiff! See you at the party!” Rainbow Dash bolted off into the sky, followed by a rainbow.
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Ponyville Town Square
“And this is town square,” Rarity announced. Keeping Sora occupied was harder than she thought, but she couldn’t let Pinkie down. She was lucky she caught on so quick, Applejack was a terrible liar. But that’s to be expected from the element of honesty. However she was out of places to show Sora except the area near the castle, which she had to keep Sora away form for at least another fifteen minutes while all the other guests get ready to give Sora his surprise. “You know what? Let’s take a quick snack break darling,” She suggested.
Sora’s stomach growled. “Actually that sounds like a great idea,” He responded.
Rarity lead Sora to a restaurant and asked for a table for two.
“Right this way,” the waiter said and then started to walk away.
Sora began to follow before he stopped “Rarity is something wrong?,” he asked.
The gesture was nice, but Rarity needed a moment to talk with the manager. “I have to use the lady’s room, You go on ahead darling,” she lied, “I’ll catch up.”
When they walked away Rarity ran straight over to the manager. “Excuse me sir, but have you heard about Pinkie Pie’s party let?” She asked him.
“Why yes madam, a Miss Rainbow Dash flew by and told us about not to long ago,” The stallion replied.
“Good, the pony I’m here with is the guest of honor and I need to keep him here for at least another ten minutes. However there rest of the guests are supposed to be there sooner so they can surprise him,” Rarity quickly explained. “Can you send the bill to my Boutique perhaps?”
“I’ll tell you what, madam,” the waiter interrupted. “Tell us what you're going to order and we will charge you now so there is no hassle later.”
“But I have no idea what he’s going to order,” the unicorn argued.
“Don’t worry, your friend there is staring at the menu like it’s written in a different language,” the waiter insisted.
“I have an idea,” The manager took back control, “I was afraid that we would have to show up late because you two weren’t invited. Since your letting us out early and even thinking of us, I’ll let you each order one dish and glass of milk on the house,”
“Oh, that’s so generous of you,” Rarity thanked the pony.
“Well sometimes we have to return the favor, Miss Rarity,” the manager said.
“Oh thank you, and I just know that Pinkie Pie would appreciate this so much,”
The pony smiled, “Well you're both welcome, but don’t keep you friend waiting,” he said gesturing towards the table where Sora was sitting.
“Oh, of course!” Rarity said before running over to the table to join Sora.
Rarity pulled up a chair, “I’m back,” she announced.
Sora looked up from the menu confused. “What took you so long?” he asked.
“Oh, you see the manager pulled me over and told me that they are closing early today. However I was able to work out a deal, so don’t you worry about it darling,” Rarity explained.
“What’s the occasion?” the pegasus asked in confusion.
“They didn’t say, but that doesn’t really matter right now darling. Have you picked out what you want?”
“Uh, yeah, um, you know what? Why don’t you choose?”
“Well, okay. Waiter, two orders of hay fries and two cups of milk please!” Rarity called over to the waiter.
“Right away madam,” The waiter called back.
Rarity returned her gaze to Sora. She was fascinated by this new stallion. His cloths were like nothing she’s ever seen before. His mane cut was unusual to say the least and normally she’d think it was in terrible taste, but it just seemed to work for him. His eyes were the deepest blue she had ever seen, almost like the open ocean. And to top it all off, his cutie mark was the most beautiful crystal heart she had ever seen. It actually reminded her of the fire ruby Spike had given her, which she had put away for safe keeping. The only problem she had was the pegasus only seemed to answer her questions in cryptic ways like, I’m not from around here, and even when she overheard the crusaders asked about his cutie mark he just said it was a long story and it didn’t sound too convincing. She didn’t pursue any further because she felt it was unladylike like to pry. But with all this time on her hoofs, she didn’t think she could resist any longer. Besides, she told herself, I need to say something.
“So Sora,” she began, “where are you from?”
Sora looked worried. “Uh, I don’t know, it’s a long story…” Sora started to respond before he was cut off.
“Oh, please, please, please, pleeeeeease!” Rarity begged.
Sora looked down and seemed to think to himself for a bit. “Okay, fine,” he resigned. “I’m from a place, which I guaranty you never heard of, called Destiny Islands.”
“That sounds like a wonderful location. Destiny Islands, it’s sounds just like a tropical paradise!” Rarity exclaimed.
“Yeah, and in some ways it is,” Sora continued. “There’s an island that I used to go to and play on all the time when school got out. There are tons of palm trees and one that grow a wired fashion so we could use it as a bench. But the most amazing thing is this star shaped fruit, called a paopu fruit. It’s said that if two pe…” Sora coughed into a hoof, “Two ponies share one the destinies become intertwined. They’ll remain a part of each others lives, no matter what.”
“Oh that just sounds so romantic!” Rarity said excitedly as the waiter returned with their food and placed it on the table.
“Yeah I know,” Sora picked up again. “There pretty famous where I come from, some other areas know about them as well. That legend about them is probably why It’s so common for pe…” Sora coughed into his hoof again. “For ponies to make lucky charms based on them. However it was definitely the reason that Riku kept teasing me to share one with Kairi.” Sora’s smile faded.
“Is something wrong?” Rarity asked before taking a sip of milk.
Sora looked at Rarity for a moment, then took a sip a milk as well. “Well you see recently me and my friends joined a...” he paused, “crime fighting group. And it seems that a criminal organization needs me for their plans. So I have been left alone on the islands for a while. Meanwhile both Riku and Kairi are off on special training.” Sora sighed. “I guess I’m just a burden to them at this point.”
“Oh darling, don’t say such things, they’re your friends, are they not?” Rarity reassured.
“Well, yes, but...”
“Tisk, tisk, tisk, no buts,” Rarity interrupted. “However if you're having friend trouble, you came to the right town. The magic of friendship happens to be our specialty.” Rarity paused and thought for a moment. “Speaking of which, how did you get here?” she asked puzzled.
“I’m not sure, but there seemed to be some sort of magic doorway and it dragged me though. Next I know, I woke up outside this town,” Sora explained. “That sounds crazy doesn’t it?”
“No not at all,” Rarity said. Normal it would but Rarity could tell. Honesty may be Applejacks specialty, but she could see it in this stallions eyes, he wasn’t making this up, or at least not completely. “Well, why don’t you eat something?”
As Rarity picked up a hay fry with her hoof Sora seemed to be watching her do so before doing the same. The pegasus seemed to stare at it in disbelief for a second before putting it in his mouth. As he chewed on it his eyes widened. and then he began to eat one after another. After a while he paused and looked a Rarity. “Well I told you about me, why don’t you tell me about you?”
“Well,” Rarity began, “I do suppose it’s only fair.”
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Fluttershy’s Cottage
Fluttershy was finishing up tending to the animals. She didn’t know why she was finishing early considering she didn’t really want to go to Pinkie’s party. But part of her realized that she was now an important pony, being one of the five ponies that spread friendship across Equestria alongside Princess Twilight. In the end that castle was just as much her responsibility as Twilight’s. Well, except for the fact that Twilight lives there. The point is that I owe it to this new pony to at least make an appearance, She tried to convince herself. “Oh I just can’t do it!” she cried out.
There was a sudden flash of light and a letter appeared by her door. She know immediately who it was from. “Discord,” she whispered. Out of all her friends, she was the closest to Discord when he betrayed them. It really hit her hard, but Discord had sent her so many apology letters that she was now feeling sorry for him. He had so much guilt eating at him from the inside that he was sending them several times a week. There were so many that Fluttershy didn’t even read the last few. She had wanted to show Discord that she forgave him by inviting over for tea, but he was currently busy helping Princess Celestia clean up the mess left in the wake of Terek’s attack, which he volunteered to do. In a way Fluttershy was proud of him, but she wished she could help.
She was just going to put the letter with the others, but she had a strange feeling that this letter more important that the others. She picked it up, opened it, and began to read.
Dear Fluttershy,
I know there is no way I can make up for what I did to you but I am truly sorry.
It began the same as the rest, but Fluttershy felt that she should keep reading anyway.
However, right now there is something much more important to discuss. While searching for magical disturbances, I came across something, dark, evil even. Whatever it is, it’s completely devoid of emotion. The worst thing is that it seems to be counteracting my magic so I can’t seem to find its location. It could be anywhere in Equestria for all I know. I am telling you this because I need you to warn our friends. Celestia thinks she has it covered some how, but I’m not sure. And be careful.
Your friend,
Discord
“Oh dear!” Fluttershy said as she looked at the time. “The party starts in just a few minutes. I have to go warn everypony,” She said grabbing the letter with her mouth before bolting out the door. It looked like she was making an appearance after all.
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Ponyville Streets
As Sora continued the tour with Rarity he noticed that he felt a little better. He was happy that he was finally able to talk to someone about how he felt. Even if that someone was a magical talking pony.
“And here we are,” Rarity said, gesturing at a castle that seemed to be in the branches of a tree, made of some sort of crystal. On closer inspection, Sora noticed that the tree was part of the building. “Princess Twilight’s Castle.”
Sora eyes widened in shock as he turned to face the unicorn. “She’s a princess?!” He asked loudly.
"Why of course. Didn’t I mention that?” Rarity brought up like it was obvious.
“No!” Sora shouted.
“Oh, sorry darling. Still, why are you so surprised? I did mention that we were going to the castle.”
“Well I just assumed she worked at the library or something.”
“Why ever would you think that?”
“Because, well, you seem to be so familiar with her.”
“Oh darling, I am, but Twilight and I have been friends long before she became a princess.”
“Wait, she became a princess? As in she wasn’t born one?”
“Oh, yes darling it’s an incredibly long story though. We’ll tell you all about some other time. Right now let’s just go in.” With that, Rarity opened the door and walked in.
Sora figured it was for the best. Hopefully I can figure out what's going on before I make too much of an impact on anyone else, he thought. So he walked in and figured that it was surprisingly dark for a castle’s main hall. Suddenly there was a flash of light and he heard “Surprise!” coming from all directions, and when he could see again he saw tons of ponies smiling at him. They set up a surprise party for him, and even though he had no idea way, one thing was certain to him. “This isn’t going to end well,” he muttered under his breath.
“Hi, remember me?” A pink pony asked.
Sora’s eyes widened in horror. “You!” he shouted.
“Apparently you do remember,” the pony giggled cheerfully.
“You're the pony who gasped and ran away when I was trying to ask for directions!”
“Wow, you’re good,” The pony sinkered.
“Why did you do that?” Sora asked, giving up on her taking the hint.
“Silly-billy, I had to start getting ready for your party, obviously.” said the bubble gum colored mare and Sora figured out that there was no reasoning with this one. “You see I had this feeling that I should go for a walk and I ran into you and I never seen you before and if I never seen you before that means you’re new because I know everypony and I mean everypony in Ponyville and if you're new you don’t ha…” She finally stopped when a familiar orange hoof covered her mouth.
“Sorry darling, I know she can be quite the handful,” Rarity spoke up as Applejack whispered something the the hyperactive pony’s ear before uncovering her mouth.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” The cowpony spoke up as well. “This here is…”
“No, don’t tell me,” Sora Interrupted. “Let me guess. Pinkie Pie.”
“Wooow, you are good,” The pink pony stated again.
“Well, you are a little weird, but you know what, any… pony that spends so much time to put together a party to help some… pony they don’t even know is okay in my book,” Sora commented.
“That’s a great book you got there, mind if I read it sometime?” Pinkie responded.
Sora looked at her dumbfounded. “She said thank you,” Applejack explained. “Why don’t you enjoy the party?”
“Okay then,” Sora said and walked away from the three. He was actually quite happy to have a little alone time to collect his thoughts. He walked outside and sat on the steps. “Today was… exhausting,” He said to himself.
“I know how you feel,” said a voice behind him cause him to jump up in shook. He turned to face the new pony. She had a purple coat, navy blue mane and tail with pink and dark purple highlights going through them, large feathered wings, a horn, and a cutie mark of a pink star on top of a white star with five little white stars surrounding it.
“Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” she apologized, “I’m Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh, Princess!” Sora remembered and kneed down to show respect.
“Oh, The formalities aren't necessary, just call me Twilight please.” Twilight responded and Sora was surprised at the humility that this pony had, Sure Queen Minnie and The King weren’t so formal with him either, but they knew who he was. This princess know nothing about him. Not to mention that he still called them by their title.
Probably noticing the confusion on Sora’s face the alicorn spoke up again. “I never really thought I was better than anypony else and I want ponies to see me for who I am, not what I am. Besides I’m really not all that special on my own.”
“Oh come on Twilight,” said a little purple and green dragon coming out to join them, “You even have an official title now. You're the Princess of Friendship.”
“Rarity did mention something about friendship being this town’s specialty,” Sora commented.
“Yeah, try to think about it as the think of it as the unofficial friendship capital of Equestria,” Twilight giggled. “You want to know something funny? The last time Pinkie pie threw a party like this it was for me.”
Sora looked at her in shock. “Except she went to her room to escape, not outside,” the dragon added.
“Now Spike, that was uncalled for,” Twilight critzed.
“You tried to escape?” Sora asked incredibly puzzled.
“To tell you the truth, I wasn’t really wasn’t interested in making friends back then. The only one I got close to was my brother,” Twilight explained. “I was so involved with my studies as the personal student of Princess Celestia that I thought that friends were kind of pointless.”
“The Princess of Friendship thought friends were pointless?” Sora asked in a joking way.
“Yeah, but that was well before I became a princess,” Twilight continued. “But to make a long story short, after I found out how amazing having friends was my life changed completely. One day Princess Celestia sent me a book with an unfinished spell from Starswirl the Bearded and with my knowledge of friendship I was able to finish it. My friends and I created new magic, and that's when I got these wings and was crowned a princess. Like I said without my friends I never would have made it to where I am today.”
“Sounds like you’ve got some nice friends. I wonder how Riku and Kairi are doing.” Sora sighed.
“Are those your friends?” Twilight asked. “I’ve never heard names like that before.”
“Oh, sorry I’ve never introduced myself. I’m Sora.”
“Well, It’s a pleasure to meet you Sor…” Twilight stopped when they heard a scream in the distance. Before Twilight could even respond, Sora bolted in the direction it came from.
To Be Continued...
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“Pinkie calm down! I don’t of any new ponies in town. And besides the point, the last time you did that was with me. What makes me and him so special that you felt the need to throw us a surprise party before you even introduce your self?” Twilight asked.
EDIT:
EDIT END
"Pinkie, calm down! I don't know of any new ponies in town. And besides the point, the last time you did that was with me. What makes me and him so special that you felt the need to throw us a surprise party before you even introduced yourself?
Yourself is written together, and you forgot a word.
"It's a long story. Maybe some other time," Sora responded hesitantly. He knew it wasn't a good excuse, but what else could he say? 'I woke up with it this morning', that wouldn't go too well.
Tch tch tch, you don't have to say sorry before you have done anything bad.
"Okay", Sora responded and he/they turned to face the three fillies, "See you later, I guess."
Did Sora or Sora and Rarity turn?
"Okay", they said simultaneously. Sora and Rarity walked outside and HIGHPOEGJNHJH?PJGHPHJNPHGJ when Sora noticed Applejack walking towards them once again. "Rarity, Fluttershy wanted me to tell ya to be at the castle in three hours", she explained.
They never started walking down the street, so they can't continue it. Better would be:
Sora and Rarity went outside and walked down the street when...
Seeing how I cannot use THE technique in a comment, you should put the letter centerwritten, you know? You write it from the middle instead from the right or the left? So all lines are in the middle?
Or find some other way to mark out the letter.
"Yeah, try to think about it as the unofficial friendship capital of Equestria", Twilight giggled. "You want to know something funny? The last time Pinkie Pie threw a party like this it was for me."
"The Princess of Friendship thought friends were pointless?" Sora asked in a joking way.
Some idiots and me live.
Some idiots and I live.
Mark the correct sentence!
And that was(or that's, although I am not sure about that's) when I got these wings and was crowned a princess.
After all, quite a mess you made there, but an interesting mess. Never heard about Sora etc., so I am excited about a new unknown variable.
This story seems to be going for a good start. Hope to see more soon.
5580359 Thank you for the grammatical help. Believe it or not I proof-read this THREE times and still missed what you told me about. Also there was some tings that didn't come out as well because I copied and pasted the story from a word document.
So, I have a few things to say about this story.
First off, FORMATING!!! IT IS YOUR FRIEND!!! DON'T TREAT IT LIKE THE DIRTY WHORE IN THE STREETS!!!
Please, for the love of everything that is holy, format your story. You cannot believe how annoying it is to read dialogue that is quite literally mashed together. At least put a single space between each line of dialogue and paragraph, it will make it look thousands of times better.
Secondly, VISUALS!!! WE ARE BLIND!!! HELP US SEE!!! PLEASE!!! IT IS SO DARK!!!
You completely fail to add visual details at some points in the story, most of what I see is dialogue. Lots of dialogue, although is not a bad thing, does not substitute for the fact we cannot see what is going on. We can imagine it, but it is likely we are imagining it completely wrong. As such, we are constantly walking blind reading this story, into walls, into paths of moving automobiles, into the arms of death himself! (And he is a major f
t!) Save lives, guide the blind!
Lastly, PACING!!! SLOW DOWN!!! YOU ARE GOING TO HIT THAT TREE!!! GORGE!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!
The story seems like it is speeding by way too fast, as if you are late to work and considering running every red light to get there. Scenes go by faster than you explain what exactly is happening. It feels like "WE ARE HERE!!! NOW QUICK!!! LETS GET OVER THERE!!!" This is not good, in fact, it might even get you a hefty speeding ticket! Hell, you might run over a few poor innocent plot details you completely forgot about in your recklessness to get to work on time! That is just wrong! So please, slow down! Relax! Take it easy! There is no need to rush! Take your time! Your boss can go f
k himself if he can't wait!
So, that is all she wrote. Now, please don't take this message the wrong way. I like the idea for the story and I just want to see it succeed. Good luck to you in your writing endeavors.
5582044
Thank you for the tips (although I could do without the colorful way of giving them) The truth is...
1. I copied and pasted this from a word doc. that was double spaced. However I agree and will get one formatting better soon.
2. My Minds eye is legally blind. I have a hard time seeing no mater how much detail is involved when reading. Frankly it's a miracle I did as well as I did. However I understand your problem with the limited detail and I will see if I can get help with that.
3.Unfortunately there Isn't Much I can do there I can assure you after the amount of times I prof-read this I didn't miss any plot points. However If the Pacing was too fast in this chapter it is because it was running long and I didn't wont it to be over 40 pages on the program I was typing on (It was 30 as it was)
Again thank you for your support and I will see what I can do.
5582319
Oh, trust me. I could have been far worse if I wanted too. This was restrained compared to how I like to criticize. (My usual criticisms usually contain a lot more colorful words and lots of sexual/disturbing metaphors and similes.)
Anyhow, you're welcome. I simply hope the writing in this story improves and that this idea succeeds.
5580989 I read somewhere that you have to read your story 6 times or get 6 proofreaders to get 99% of the mistakes.
And what am I here for?
5582693 I have wrote a few chapter of a novel (not a fanfic) and proof-read the first of which 10 time by now and still find mistakes!
any how if you see any more or have any more advice just let me know
Thank you
5583732 I will, and I just know realised the thing with the name of the story and yours...
*snort* hahahaha *snort*
CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!! T_T
5583732 If you can work out the white lines it would be more enticing.
5583732 Still good though.
5731247 what do you mean by white lines?
5733598 Notice how there's a bit of white between Sora and the bckground.
5774643
you know that is because he a bonus boss right
5580359 people like you are the behind the scenes heroes
Awesome story so far! Lemme guess, Heartless are here? Hence the screams?
Really good so far my dude