Welcome to Ponyville!
“We have arrived in Ponyville. Please gather all belongings before exiting the train,” an overhead speaker announced. I jutted out of my seat, wiping excess drool from my face and ran a hand through my thick orange hair, making sure I was presentable. I’d been on the train for hours and it felt like heaven to be getting up and moving around again. That, and spending the night on a train is not something I would classify as luxurious.
As I exited the train I took in my surroundings and though it had been a while since my last visit, I noticed that Ponyville had changed little: The shops on various corners, the library, Sugarcube Corner, it was all the same. However, this was going to be the first time that I stay longer than a week. So I decided to do a little looking around, maybe find a hotel or something.
I groaned inwardly as I walked about. My ass had been in that seat since last night. I would have taken the train earlier, but, as fate would have it, I missed my train and had to wait four hours for a new one. I ended up taking the train with the most stops and it took me until earlier this morning to get here. I knew that sooner or later I would have to scout for a job. I chose later.
Looking for a hotel was pointless now, as I was too tired to keep searching. Just as I was about to take a load off on the sidewalk, I was taken to the ground by another method.
“Hello!” said the strange, squeaky voice that took me completely by surprise. “I’ve never seen you before!–Where are you from?–Do you live nearby?–What’s your name?”.
“Um, Orange Crush. Hi.” I waved awkwardly, while my gut was in some seriously distracting agony. “Did I.. uh... do something to deserve an elbow in my ribs?” I asked, breathlessly. Other than being rude, intrusive and having no sense for personal space, she was actually quite adorable. She had beautiful pink hair that bounced down onto her shoulders, and brushed ever so slightly across my face as she was basically straddling me at that point. I would have paid more attention to what she was wearing if I weren't so captivated by the great blue orbs she used to stare at me with. She looked me over closely with a confused look on her face. Looking down, she noticed the appendage stabbing me with a cute “Eep!” and removed her elbow from my stomach, while still staying on top of me. Obviously she wasn’t too afraid to invade my personal space.
“Well, I don’t think so. Do you wanna be friends?” She smiled, ear to ear. Wow this girl didn’t play around; I mean she hasn’t known me for more than a minute.
“Friends? Uh, sure?” I blushed, not quite sure what else to say. “But could you get off of me please?”
“Oops! Sorry! Here’s my home address, phone number, email, work phone, work address, and the date for tonight’s party!” she spewed out. Tonight’s party? That’s kind of weird to invite someone you don’t know. “See ya there!” she said, bouncing off to who knows where.
Huh, that was odd, I thought to myself. I mean, it’s been what, twenty minutes since I got here and I’ve already got plans for tonight. And judging from that girl, it’s gonna be a crazy party… Aaand I just realized that she didn't even ask if I wanted to go and I don’t even know where this party is.
After spending what seemed like days searching for a place to stay, I stumbled across a nice, big apple farm kept by some nice folks known as the Apples. Heh, that’s pretty funny, I tell myself. They were nice enough to tell me that there weren’t any hotels in Ponyville, but offered me a job so I might be able to pay for an apartment. I really should have planned this trip better, I inwardly cursed myself.
“Alright, I was looking for a job anyways, so this is perfect!” I told one of the farmers, who just so happened to be one of the biggest, bulkiest, most monstrous guys I’d ever met. The only things containing his muscular figure were a tee shirt and a pair of overalls.
“Eeyup,” he said.
“So when do I start?” I asked, “Because I’ve got a party to go to later tonight, and a super hot pinkette asked me to go, so I don’t wanna mess that up,” I blurted out, just before realizing how much of a snob I sounded like. “I mean if that’s ok, cuz I’ll work whenever you guys ask me to!” I said, trying to preserve whatever part of me was still likeable.
“That’s alright,” he said in a laid back tone, just before a sinister smile cracked its way up his face, “She invited us too,” he said before walking away. At first I was a little hurt that my invite wasn’t special, but then it hit me that this was kind of a good thing. Kinda.
“Well, she didn’t really tell me where it is… so do you think you could point me in the right direction?” I ask him. It felt kind of weird to ask, but I figured it was the only way to find the place.
“Why don’t you just come with us? I don’t mind.” He stopped, turning around and offering me his hand. “The name’s Mac, by the way,”
“Nice to meet you, Mac,” I said, taking his hand in my own and gripping it tightly. He talked so rarely that only at that moment did I realize that he spoke with a southern accent.
After Big Mac had so kindly offered me dinner and to meet his family, his red headed little sister decided to throw a hissy fit as it was made evident to me that she had not been invited to Pinkie’s shindig.
“But, Applejack, I wanna go to the party too!” she whined, sporting a pouty face as she did so.
“Now, Applebloom, I told you a hundred times that this here party is NOT for youngins’!” Applejack told her adorable little sis with as strict a tone as she could muster. As much as I did enjoy the Apple family’s hospitality, I really wish I wasn’t there at that particular moment. It kinda felt awkward to sit there and twiddle my thumbs together in my lap as the two continued to argue for the better part of an hour.
Finally, after having to sit through their little family squabble, Applebloom had conceded to her elder sister and went off to bed, much to my comfort. I kind of assumed that this was going to be a fun party, but by the way Applejack made it sound, this was a grown up party. That part struck me as odd. I mean why couldn’t Applebloom come? A party not for youngins, as Applejack put it, but I decided not to dwell on it. After all, I was going to get to see that looker of a party girl again!
The ONLY thing that should be in the summary is the summary. No personal details. And nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear the words 'my OC'.
Let me stop you right there. I used to not know how to end quotations, so now that I do it bugs the hell out of me when others don't. So rule 1: When after the quotation you say how it's said, end the quotation with a comma and the first word after it is lowercased. Like so:
Rule 2: When you don't say how it's said, end with a period and capitalize.
Rule 3: Exclamation marks, question marks, and ellipses (These things: …) override the comma/period rule and proper nouns override the capitalize/lowercase rule.
Mind... describing the surroundings? Anything interesting going on?
Who says that out loud?
Not 4, four. Write it out.
This is REALLY rushed. An entire afternoon, in just one sentence? And nothing happened in that time?
Is Uh the first word in the sentence? No. Is it the name of a person, place, or thing? Gonna guess no. So why is it capitalized?
Your OC isn't very smart, is he? She just tackled him in the middle of a town. That's hardly what you'd call nice, even if she apologizes.
First, it's not 'here' it's 'there'. Second, this is a damn big cliché. Third, it's pretty stupid for him to just randomly trust complete and total strangers. This is how people die.
Little description? You may know how your humanized ponies look, but we don't.
Listen to Applejack and her family speak. They don't talk like that. No 'ah'.
This story is infinitely better than most first-story people, but you really, REALLY need an editor regardless.
Thank you, I respect your opinion and I'll edit immediately :)
5444061 Another piece of advice: Advertise. Don't just wait for your story to be added to, say, the Humanized Equestria group (I dunno if there is one, I just made that up), join the group and add it yourself! That's how new authors get people to read their stuff.
Thank you so much, I was a little let down when you pointed out that there were quite a few mistakes in my story, but now I'm glad that I have an opportunity to make it better!
I haven't started reading this yet, but you should probably take out the part where you say "my OC." Also, I would save the part where you say that it's your first story to the end of the description.
5444220 Done ;)
Omg, I really like this story so far. I'm going to add this to my favorites.
And I also followed you.
5444554 Thanks that makes me feel awesome!
5444562 Huh, my computer must be a stupid head cuz by it's logic I still have none
5444632 Really? On my laptop it says I already followed you.
And just to add to your confusion, to write "ah" or "I" when Applejack is speaking, is a matter of opinion. Some do it, some don't, but ah wouldn't say neither of it is wrong, pardner.
5444684 Ok that's what I assumed, but I changed it just so people don't get confused.
Ya, I'm with everyone else on this story. Amazing first chapter and story, but you'll need get an author (or at least re-read your chapters a couple times before uploading). I gave this story a like, and if you complete it ill give it a favorite too