Chapter 1
The Transition
“Another day another dollar,”
I grumble to myself as I walk out of the McDonald's and start the long walk home. It was 2:00 am and as usual I had to work late because the other workers at the drive through didn't know the meaning of the words “On Time”.
Looking around at the dark world around me I see old buildings with more vines then bricks for their walls and my shoes crunch the pebbles from the sidewalks and the litter lining the streets. As I neared the corner to my 100 year old apartment building I look at the open sewer drain which was never finished and left to rot like the rest of this town. I smirk at how things that were put at the top of the list were now off the list and into the trash entirely.
The streets here used to be beautiful. Back then, when the sun was out you could see kids playing in the streets while their dads wheeled out grills to have a barbeque with their neighbors, filling the street with a savory smell of cooking stake that tantalized everyone else around.
But now on a sunny day you can only see people rushing to their destination with their eyes on the sidewalk pretending that everything was back to the way it was. And I can't blame them for it. I wish the same thing. Entering my house I lock the bolt behind me and turn on the few lights in the house giving it the illusion of happiness. A picture of my family hanged in the doorway, it was a picture of my family. Or rather what it used to be.
After mom's passing, my dad's drinking and gambling habits returned running us out of money. Blaming me he usually beat me while screaming swears and other nasty oaths, I found the streets more comforting then my own home back then. Then he got attacked by drug dealers for starting a fight, he didn't make it.
Setting the keys on the rickety pine table with a book to try to balance it out I plopped down on the photon in the living room and grabbed my ancient laptop I got when times were better. I open it up per-buffered so I would not have to wait an hour for the videos to load. Smiling as I see my salvation from my world of pain I hum along to the tune of My Little Pony's theme song as rainbow dash, my favorite pony zips through the clouds in the intro.
After 20 minutes of pony I close my laptop thinking that happiness was just beyond that screen and that I might someday be able to reach out a grab it. But then I snapped back to reality and put my laptop aside and shut my eyes as I remember the friends I used to have, and the mom I once loved.
The next morning I had my usual breakfast, cheaply filtered coffee with 2 week old cream and year old cereal. Then slipping off my tank top I step into the shower and feel the icy water running down my back as I realize they turned my gas off again. Slamming my fist into the wall, I repeat over and over again,
“Why do they have to do this now?”
I turn off the water and grab the dirty towel and dry off. I toss it back onto the ground, Grab my wallet and my keys and leave the house not bothering to lock the door behind me.
“What else could possibly be taken from me.”
muttering to myself. My thoughts then start to turn towards my only source of temporary happiness. Thinking of rainbow dash and how awesome it would be to see her in person I barely noticed the hundred dollar bill on the ground until I step on it. Looking down I give a small shout of excitement as I bend down to pick it up. It blows away, chasing after the bill shouting random things like
“Come here Mr. Bill!”
I chase it down the old gray roads with weeds coming out until I get to the sewer hole where it falls in. looking down into the abyss of the man-hole I sigh realizing that I was really doing this. Times made me this desperate, I grab the top rung of the ladder and climb down into the darkness. The hole stretched onto what seemed like forever, after a couple of minutes of going down the rungs it was pitch black.
“How long does this go on?”
I ask myself as I continue to descend. After a while I just say screw this and start to climb up, only to slip on the moist rungs of the ladder, smack my head on the wall and fall into the blackness unconscious.
Groggily I open my eyes to stare at a bright blue sky, trying to gain back some composure after that fall I hold my hands to my eyes and rub. And feel something that shouldn't be there. I open my eyes and gasp at my... Hooves.
“No way this isn't happening, it isn't possible I just.. fell down a hole”
panic starting to creep into my voice I run to the stream I hear nearby and look into the water, and there I was, or rather the pony I became. I went from a 17 year old who could barely enjoy his life, to a white colt with... concern spreading across my face I look to the river realizing I didn't have a horn.
“Oh please let it be...”
Turning to look at my back I see a strong looking pair of white wings.
“YES!”
I didn't care about anything else at the point, my wish had come true. I finally got some how transported into the world of My Little Pony. Shouting I jumped into the air as best as I could in my new body, which was feeling rather battered and clumsy now that I think about it. I Close my eyes thinking. I needed to find out if this was really real or not. Biting my self I scream
“OOWWWW”.
Rubbing my sore arm, well foot know, I realized this isn't a dream.
“OK Nic, now lets see if those wing's of yours work.”
Looking to my wings I focus on flapping them, and nothing happens.
“Aw man please don't tell me that my wings are duds. That would REALLY suck.”
I say to myself. Looking up I can picture myself in the sky soaring through the clouds and I feel a slight breeze blowing. I close my eyes in content as the gentle breeze passes through my black and red mane and realized the breeze was staying. Opening my eyes I saw the ground getting farther away from me and the clouds getting closer to me.
“What How?”
I put two and two together, and realize how this flying thing works.
“Oh I get it, when you want to fly you think about the sky and-”
My wings start flapping even faster and I start to panic as I lose control.
“oh god just please back to the ground, back to the ground wings!”
I balance my self and think of the ground where I just was and start to descend.
“Huh so that's how I control them.”
Thinking of the sky again I float back up and look around. I can see that I landed in a forest bright green, using my bronie logic I think to my self that it's to peaceful here for the Evergloom. Deciding it must be a different one I look to the left and see it. Ponyville was dead ahead.
“Ponyville here I come!”
I only skimmed through it, but that was enough to spot major errors.
Current Problems:
-WALL OF TEXT. Start a new line after someone speaks.
-Capitalization and other gramatical errors plauge this story like rats in a sewer.
-The premise has been used hundreds of times before, and no longer carrys any effect.
Predicted Problems:
-Your character is going to turn out to be a Mary Sue.
-Characters will lack any depth that would make them interesting, and behave in unrealistic ways.
-You are going to ship with Rainbow Dash (massive problem when combined with the above).
This sentece is a perfect example of a literary nightmare.
In short, proof read it or get an editor, and try something more original.
All I have to say is, "Spend more time on your story."
Spelling and grammar are NOT important if they hinder your creative process. Just focus on making your premise more original, your characters more believable and your plots (far) more interesting.
I agree with the two above. Get rid of that wall-o-text, and don't make a Mary Sue character. And like OneLonelyPony said, spelling and grammar aren't as important if they screw with the creative process. Focus with the 'creation' then work on the grammar, and spelling. Get an editor/proofreader. It seem's like they don't change much, but in reality, they change a whole lot! Remember this, "Better a day late, then an hour to early." <-- words that were given to me on one of my horrible chapters. I totally agree, and hopefully you end up better. By the way, this is what the readers feel like when you gotta stare at a wall of text. It really hurts... for people like me, I end up accidentally rereading the line. Avoid the WALL-O-TEXT!
Your character seems like a Gary stu from the description.....
528243
Oops. Fixed.
The infamous wall of text
Also I want more of this story
Sincerely the Doctor
I thank you all for your comments, i will try to make better use of my grammar and i promise i wont "ship out" with rainbow dash, im just saying that my charector likes her, all though i do have one question, what in the buck is a mary sue charector?
529510 A Mary Sue character if I remember correctly is a generic character, nothing special or new. It's like when someone has a character with the same colour scheme and personality as Fluttershy but maybe a different haircut.
Ah i see, thanks for the feed back, i will try to make him more interesting for you guys, after all you are my viewers and its not fun unless the viewers like the story as much as i!
im currently working on the issue of his rather bland personality. one of his traits is going to show up on one of his adventures when discord comes back to ponyville and thats his fierce protectiveness of his family and friends, and maybe also his martial art skills? im not sure how it will add up but hey. what can you do, im currently working on chapter two where he goes into ponyville and try to get a job and a house with no luck when he finds a sign for music tryouts... stay tuned.
This story; kill it. kill it with fire
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/128/622/KILL-IT-WITH-FIRE-FUNNY-FORUM-PICS.jpg
Before you light me up, listen! I once wrote a story very similar to this and it was... poorly received. Don't let that bother you! You need to get back on your horse and practice.
Keep on truckin',
All American
(Shameless self-promotion: "Devil's Due")
I prefer a sniper rifle to a flamethrower myself but thanks for the feedback and im putting in a lot more time this time so it wont feel so rushed.
529510 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_sue
allright guys since this is partly your story, i need a flaw. start posting.
im thinking that he sticks to his answers even if wrong or hates to accept defeat. how about you?