"Twilight, please tell us the point of this?" I asked.
"Theres only so much we can find out from a person talking. This will give me a full body scan of everything."
"We shouldnt be doing this. We never got permission from him." Fluttershy voiced.
"Fluttershy, Rarity, if you have complaints then please tell me later. I'd rather feel bad in the morning about this than give up a once-in-a-life-time opportunity to solve some of Equestria's greatest mysteries."
She fastened his legs down to the table and his fingers onto sensors. A pot, sorry, a "science helmet" was placed on his head. This was the same machine Twilight had used to scan Pinkie earlier last year when she was twitching. Seeing someone else on it felt...wrong. Especially when he was just letting it happen. When I was letting it happen.
"Wake up." I whispered.
---
Suddenly everything became clear to me again. Another raging headache welcomed me back into the world.
"YOU!" I roared at the purple pony who had just finished tying down my last free hand.
"Dont worry! It'll just be one more thing to test!" She backed up, fear in their eyes.
"NO! NO MORE TESTS!"
I writhed on the table like a fish out of water. Yanking my arms up, slamming my head down, kicking chunks of wood off. The restraints tore off the table, me with them. I stood there, boiling mad starring down the pony. The room, still lined with books, had a stair case going up. A cellar? She stuffed me in a cellar? Strapped to a table?
This was all getting a little out of hand.
Before she could say anything, I darted up the stairs and made a bee line for the door outside. The afternoon sun was high, signaling lunch. A cabbage salespony walking around town too close to Twilight's door reeled back as I burst out and destroyed his cart.
"My cabbages!" He cried and tried to scoop them into his arms. "Vandal! Vandal! Crook! Somepony get him!"
Just like two days ago, every pony threw down what they were doing to try and catch me. Scared, I looked down to my feet to see how fast they were going. This is a trick I used in races to go faster. I would measure how fast my feet kept appearing in my eye sight and move them faster until they were almost always in my field of vision. You could do that without looking down, I just always found it much simper to do it this way.
The ponies stayed on my tail though no matter how fast I pushed myself. I had to resort to corners. Last documentary I saw said horses cant corner well. Then again the last documentary I saw was on Discovery Channel so.... I turned my body completely sideways to turn around. I slid for a bit but otherwise kept my pace. Down the narrow alley way, I called on the knowledge of every game I ever played for my next trick.
"Press A while on wall to jump!" I yelled. I leaped up onto a wall and pushed myself off onto the next wall and so on until I hit the roof. Just like Super Mario Bros for the DS! Not that I have a DS...um...those are for losers. <.<" ">.>
This left only one breed to deal with. Those cursed pegasi. Agile, fast, aggressive. The fell from the sky to try and ram me down. Others used serpentine to try and confuse me. I jumped over and ducked under them all with relative ease. Why was I doing so good this time? Last time I tried to do any of this I tripped on a rock and banged my head. Now I was parkouring like a master!
I looked to my left. Nothing. To my right. Nothing. Everypony was behind me, panting. I wasnt much faster, but certainly out ran them! Then it hit me. I was running out of roof. I had been hopping for the past 20 seconds in a miraculously straight line of houses and stores, but now we were getting close to the clearing. As I looked on, I could see a forest maybe a hundred feet away from the house line. Better low chances than none!
Dropping down back into the alley ways, I lost the tracks of all ponies. My sudden disappearance threw them off. All but one. One who finally decided to show up. Rainbow Dash.
"Oh shi-" She slammed into me like a rocket.
We both tumbled. She held onto me like a baby to a lollipop and I held onto her like arm-less man to a spiked rope. I slammed my feet into the dirt when I finally regained my bearings. Momentum threw her off me while I slid and hopped over her. A simple 50 yards to the forest now. Almost there! I continued my stride like a machine. Never before in my life did anything feel so earned! It may have been some stinkin' trees, but it wasnt Ponyville and thats all I wanted! 30, 20, 10! MADE IT!
I threw my arms up in victory. Behind me, the few ponies that managed to follow stopped dead in their tracks. Scared of a forest? They should be! Theres tons of predators in here!
...Oh no. There was tons of predators in there! I had forgotten the laws of the jungle! Well at least I had a human's mind. With this thing I would have ruled every living thing here in a matter of weeks. Plus if they were all as friendly or stupid as these ponies, my job of survival would be all the easier!
While going on about how well off I'd be in here, I realized I hadnt stopped running for the past 10 minutes into the forest. How far was I in now? How far was I...away from home? I wasnt even on Earth anymore. My friends...my family...my games...I would never see them again. I wondered if they missed me. If they even noticed. Did time stop? Was I erased from history there? Did I just vanish without a trace? Maybe they had search parties out. I hoped so. I hoped someone would miss me even a bit.
I slowed down and looked around. Nothing but trees and grass. Nothing but noise and plant smells. Why does everyone always say plants smell nice? They smelled awful. All plants. Humph! I jumped up onto a low branch and pulled myself up. Then the next one, then the next one. Soon I was on the top of a relatively large tree and could see everything. Ponyville was just a dot now in my vision. Had I really gone that far?! To the back of me, a huge chasm with a what looked like a flimsy rope bridge. After that though, was a broken down castle! That would be a nice place to hunker down for a while. I slowly climbed down, careful not to lose my--FOOTING!
*crash!*
*bump!*
*boom!*
My pajama shirt tore as I fell through the tree, getting caught by a branch to break my fall. My body was covered in scratches now and I was shirtless. Wouldnt Goku be proud?
FIRST!
SECOND!!!
THIRD
FIFTH...wait.. FOURTH!
i14.photobucket.com/albums/a342/dklreviews/combo-breaker-2.jpg
also,
troll.me/images/frankenstein-its-alive/its-alive-thumb.jpg
Anyone who doesn't care to check their grammar and check their spelling does not care about the story they write. I prefer my authors to care about the world they weave and the words they write.
533693 what are yah gonna do?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
542449
Down vote and move on. There are too many stories that deserve readers for me to waste my time with someone who doesn't care about their own.
543278 Im going to tolerate this and let you move on with a little something.
I might not have the best spelling, but that doesn't mean I dont care about my story. I can agree it was way to fast and messy, but dont say I dont care about it. Get over yourself.
As for all the people who have been reading this and have been giving me real advice, thank you. I'll start writing more soon.
543841
If you feel that strongly about your story then why not put the extra effort into it? Why not find a pre-reader? There are groups dedicated to that on just this site alone. From my prospective, you may legitimately be writing a good story and care about it, but the spelling errors are amazingly jarring.
I didn't just randomly stumble on this story and decide to say what I did. I came here because the premise interested me. You want constructive criticism, get an editor/pre-reader, fix the spelling and grammar, and that will do a ton to improve yourself as an author. If you don't, then the people who will want to help you to get better will just assume you don't care because 9 times out of 10 what I just read is a huge red flag for someone who is just 'cashing in' on the latest fad.
Words are great and all (and that goes for me too) but actions speak louder. If you decide to clean it up ever, PM me, throw it in my face and I'll come back and give it a real review and be happy to eat crow.
543854
lol wut?
yea i think u ment "we'll". Oh and "be happy to eat crow." I get that you obviously want to help him out but...happy to eat crow? what does that mean?
(Like what refference? What saying?)
But I really think your point of view is flawed. Yes he can do better with someone proof reading but he doesn't have that luxury. The fact that he was able to get it mostly right is impressive and I know you wouldn't be capable of understanding how much time and effort he ACTUALLY put into this story because...Looked at your page...NO STORIES. So keep your comments to yourself. especially if you can't relate to your argument.
544054
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_crow
Also nice ad hom. Just because I haven't written doesn't mean I can't have valid points. I haven't written pony fanfiction but that doesn't mean I haven't written. While I may have been too harsh in my words earlier there is no need for personal attacks. It reflects poorly on all of us and degrades the quality of your own arguments.
I am trying to point out why going "oh well" when the author's spelling problems are so bad when there are resources available to get that taken care of. A lot of them would be caught by a simple spell checker. Brony-dom is beginning to evolve as a fandom. The days of just being able to put up any sort of story and have people eat it up because "it's MOAR ponies!" is long gone. Even EQD has revised what they're willing to put up with showing that things are changing, hopefully for the better. If we want to grow in a positive direction then we're going to have to help raise standards everywhere.
We, as a fandom need more people to be critics, editors, proofreaders not less! When I finally publish the story I'm working on I want people to tear into it with a vengeance! To point out every last mistake, error and problem I have. All authors should strive for that because how else will they improve?
Anyway, I think we are detracting from Jack Knight's story at this point. If he thinks I'm wrong and doesn't feel it's an issue then nothing you or I say will change that. If he's right he'll get a lot of accolades and show that what I think (and what /fic editors think) is important for a story is perhaps outdated.
And to prove that I'm serious about wanting this fandom to grow, if you are interested in having me edit/proof read your work just shoot me a PM Jack. I'm working on 4 other projects right now but I'm willing to put a couple off a day or two to help you out.
544100
Thanks for the offer but I actually already have someone doing that. (I'm pretty busy so we can't talk all that often) And yea I did act somewhat impulsively because I felt that a fellow writer was being...well attacked. But again I have to disagree with some of your counter argument. Any spell checker...Is flawed. It doesn't know how to properly place words for your purpose so it uses a default template...(am i saying that right?) Well I know spell check fixes your misspelled words but it at times causes some of the grammer errors. Though it can be a very useful tool if used properly. (I'm guessing you already know this...writing it anyway) So it is understandable why someone would choose not to use it if they are confident in their own writing capabilities.
Degrade the quality of my arguement? -.-
kinda mad...but what ever. I can deal with that constructive criticism.
544188
Huh? Are you an alt account for the author? I was offering to edit his work. I didn't know you had written anything. I was attempting to "put my money where my mouth is," so to speak with him.
544204
No I'm just...Defencive....I guess. And I don't know the Author.
Am I really the only one who noticed that Luna said "code lyoko"? 'cause I loved that show. Too bad that I can't watch it nowadays.
EIGHTEENTH