derpestia red flag ryze & fall: re-heated revendetta: the spoiled broth [an absurdist fantasy]

by Blank!

"A pinch of salt and laughter, too!" or "Far beneath the misty storm fronts warm/in waters deep and trenches old..."

In Upper Canterlot born and raised, where did Twilight spend out most of her days? In the library, at school, on her desk, with just enough time spent on sleep and sexfood. Still, she did take a break sometimes to study with her Teacher, the Great and Powerful Celestia, the Magnanimous, la Large d’Esprit, μεγαλόψυχος, die Großmütige, and so on and so forth. Writing down all of Celestia’s titles, surnames, nicknames and pet names would take a treaty on its own, and we need to get on with the story. Now, sometimes Tia took Twi to tea on top of town, and sometimes there was there a tame and tired old-timer named Tantalus, although she preferred to be called “the Dam”. Now, the dam had seen much of the world beyond equestira, and even beneath, for she was a sailor mare, specifically a Sub-Marine.

She told Twilight, with the help of books and journals and souvenirs, of the whole wide world, of both the beautiful and the horrible, of corruption and regeneration, of rises and falls and writings on the walls. Saddle Arabians were especially good at those - Twilight’s favourite was one that said “READ!” over and over and over…

The Dam had a way of making the most world-wearying stories sound delightful to a child’s ears, even without sugar-coating them one bit. She had this detached, unflappable attitude to her, and, beneath this nonchalance, a poignant sense of humour. Once, she told Twilight about her time on the Titanic Medusa. You know where this is going…

“I’ll skip right ahead to the interesting part,” she said. Heh, I could stand to learn from her. Not that this isn’t interesting, but sometimes even I can’t tell whether I’m advancing the plot or just rambl - shutting up now.

“Now, picture this, little Twilight. I’m on a boat.

“Was it one of those fancy yachts?”

“Nope.”

“A gritty barge?”

“Nope.”

“Or a fisherman’s seiner—”

“Ee-nope. It was a lifeboat.”

To the Dam’s satisfaction, Twilight gasped.

“It was flimsy, and frail, all light-weight and bright-coloured. Orange. Stuck out like a sore thumb in the middle of all that blue, that azure sky, that marine sea… now, why was that, Twi?”

“... Someone in the crew likes citrus fruits?”

“Try agian.”

“Well, it sticks out, and it’s a lifeboat, so… to make it easier to find you?”

“Exactly.” It was always a pleasure, giving Twlight a chance to ‘earn points’ like that. Whenever she got an answer right, Twilight would give the cutiest, most gleeful little smiles. "Now, here comes the fun part. All around me, circling the horizon all over, were huge anvil-shaped clouds,

electric blues of thunderbolts and lightnings, snaking freely between silver linings. And yet, right above my orange little raft, was the unconquered white sun, ambling through the zenith, burning its way to eternity, like nothing was the trouble. Now, why was that, Twi?”

“It was a cyclone, a big one, and you were in the eye of the storm?”

“Precisely,” she said the word like the slice of a knife. “I am at the peaceful heart of the writhing storm.”

“What about your ship and crew?”

“Well, let me put it this way:” the Dam said, raising a sardonic eyebrow, “there was room for eight on that lifeboat, yet I was all alone.”

“That was a rather frightening situation to be in, my little pony.” It was the first time Celestia had heard that one as well. “What did you do?”

“What I always do, your Highness; I take’er easy. I can’t outrun the storm, so, I enjoy the the peace of the moment, while it passes. I bask in your sun, while it shines. I go with the flow. The Dam abides, little Twilight. Determined, to live to see the sun again.”

The dam paused for a moment, letting the lesson sink in. Then she went for the finisher:

“So, seeing as I was relaxing under the mid-day sun like that, what do you think was the first thing the Dam did?”

“I don’t know… you set out a distress flare?”

“Well, yeah, but after that.”

“You made sure the provisions and water and survival equipment were in place?”

“Wasn’t much point in doing that, Twily.”

“Wha-why-oh, yeah, you do that while it’s still on the mother-ship, otherwise it’s too late.”

“I did check, though, but that wasn’t the first important thing I did. Here’s a hint, we were in tropical waters.”

“You took out the fishing rod and tried to get some food while the calm lasted.”

“... Actually that’s the second important thing I did. Ready to give up?”

Twilight gave the most adorable frustrated sigh.

“I believe you should let us know already, Dam.” Oh Goodness, Celestia’s smile was becoming patient.

“Right you are, Princess. Twilight, the first thing I thought to do was, I put on sunscreen.”

There was a silence.

There was a shudder.

There was a burst of laughter.

“O-hmpf-okay, Twilight, so, so -ha!- so what’s the lesson?”

“Don’t worry about stuff you can’t affect, enjoy the good stuff while it lasts, and never lose sight of the long-term and the small details, even when things seem desperate and hopeless. Above all, as always, be prepared!”

“Indeed, Twilight! Now, sing it with me!”

Be prepared! That's the Kid Scout's marching song,

Be prepared! As through life you march along.

Be prepared! That's the Kid Scouts' solemn creed,

Be prepared! And be clean in word and deed.

Don't be nervous, don't be flustered, don't be scared.

Be prepared!

Years later, Twilight would find out about the rest of the lyrics of that song, and would affectionately chuckle with her masters at her younger self’s innocence. Another lesson she had learned over the years was the following:

Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss:

to be blissful, is to be powerless.

To give the blessings,

to guard the garden,

is to trade purity

for understanding.

---

a Royal Marine reservist: they sub for those on duty when extra hands are needed

Author's Note:

WE TAKE SUGGESTIONS! SUGGEST, SUGGEST, BUT ALWAYS, NEVER, EVER, INGEST!

Preview of next chapter:

Regal: Do you want a carrot?
Tarragon: Is that all there is?
Regal: I might have some turnips.
Tarragon: Give me a carrot. (Regal rummages in his pockets, takes out a turnip and gives it to Tarragon, who takes a bit out of it) It's a turnip!
Regal: Oh pardon! I could have sworn it was a carrot.

Comments

[bobbananaville]

This...
Huh. I really enjoyed this chapter, and not just as a trollfic. She put on sunscreen...