I wake up. I rub my eyelids trying to keep them open for a half a second. I can go back to sleep right? But why is the sun shining so brightly throught my window? I crawl out of bed and am quickly on my hooves to investigate. I can already feel that something's not right. The clock says 7:45 but that can't be right? Didn't I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah... I did set it for 6:30, 6:30 P.M. Ugh! I have to be at school in 15 minutes! I head for the fridge, dang it no time! I close the fridge, I'm naked; I guess I'm not wearing any pants today. I run out of the house and quickly hop on my bike, and as if on cue, it starts to rain.
"This CANNOT be happening!" I scream as my bike gets caught in the mud. I have to push my bike out from behind. It breaks free, only for me to fall face-first into the mud myself after letting go of the bike. I rub my eyelids again, and this time they burn. I manage to get out of the mud and buck my bike in frustration. I clumsily manage to hop onto the bike, while not managing the mental fortitude to ride fast enough to get to school on time. Why bother?
I enter school at exactly 8:01 a.m. I always show up to school early, but this time not so much. I say hi to the repeat offenders that are still in the hallways at this time. It does me no good, they don't even give me a second look. When I enter the classroom, everypony seems to be staring at me. I meekly sit down, hoping that somehow the teacher didn't notice.
"Mr. Monotone!"
Oh, Celestia she called me mister... this can't end well.
"You're late!"
Well, when did you become Mrs. Obvious? "Yes, Ma'am. I'm sorry."
"No need for flaky apologies, you can respect me by showing up on time!" Ms. Attention Deficient blurted out at an extremely high volume.
"You're making a scene." I say in frustration at the noise level.
"I'm making a scene? How about this? Office. NOW!" Ms. Attention Deficient pointed her hoof shakily in the direction of the door, much like she had too much coffee.
I get up. Why is it I get sent to the office? Tons of ponies act up when the teacher's around and they don't even get yelled at. I walk towards the office, or at least I think. I've never actually been sent there before so I have no clue where it's at. I stumble into what looks like an office, it's doubley sad that I don't even know who the principle is. I see a pony, it is a mare, I guess, with a propped up orange mane and periwinkle coat, as well as a distinct pink bow. She wears a robe with clouds on it, seemingly covering her cutie mark, which, i guess, has something to do with clouds.
"What brings you here today?" She says. In a much calmer voice then I expect.
"I got sent here for being late and talking back to the teacher."
"Well that's funny, foals don't usually get sent here for acting up. You must have some deep emotional issues then." Says the mare. "I'm Ms. Headcloud." She extends her hoof in greeting. I extend my hoof, politely accepting the gesture. What is this she's saying about emotional issues, and foals not being sent here? I see others get sent to the principal's office all the time.
"Yes, I suppose I do have a lot of emotional issues and that is the reason for my acting up."
"Well, let's get to the bottom of these issues." She says. "Now, how do you feel?" The question surprises me, as well as confuses me. Since when do principals care about feelings?
"Well I-I feel anxious." I say, and admittedly it was the truth. I almost always feel anxious and now I just want to know what my punishment is. I don't need the principle trying to level with me and get inside my head, I just need answers.
"Anxious about what?"
"I'm always anxious about talking to ponies, and I always seem to be upset about something." I say. I don't know why I'm readily revealing all of my emotional troubles to the principal, maybe if I do so she'll lift my punishment. I might even possibly have to exaggerate a little.
"There are many ponies out there with social anxiety. Even a close friend of Princess Twilight, Fluttershy, has the same problem as you." She pauses for a second. "What is this about always being upset about something."
"I always look at the negatives. I was even sad when I got out of bed today. I just wanted to stay asleep... maybe even forever. I can't help but think about how sweet it would be to not have to worry about talking to people, or about saying the wrong thing. Sometimes I wish I was dead." These words were sprinkled with the truth, but iced with lies. I don't want to be dead, I just want to not have to worry about things.
"It sounds like you have a serious case of depression. Do you ever hurt yourself? Or plan to?" She sounded a little condescending at this point. At least she's acting like a principal.
I nodded. "I have hurt myself in the past and have contemplated ending it all." I have hurt myself before, there was an incident with a rusty old saw blade where I sliced my hoof about nine times. I'm rather surprised I didn't get a disease from that. As far as ending it all, I'm not saying I've never thought of it but I'm rational enough to know that it wouldn't solve anything. Plus I care too much.
"You do realize I have to tell your parents about this. I'm sending a messenger pony right now. This is very urgent business. It's something we don't take lightly here in Ponyville, or in Equestria for that matter." I have no idea what she is rambling about at this point. I'm assuming she's going to tell my parents that I mouthed off to the teacher and was late. But something doesn't seem right about this.
After waiting for a few minutes I was in for a real surprise. A green earth pony with an unkept red orange mane and a metallic leaf for a cutie mark walked in. Wait? Metallic leaf cutie mark? That's my dad's special somepony, but why is she here?
"Monotone I had no idea." She hugged me. Why is she hugging me? Does she know how I feel about hugging? She seems teary eyed like something went terribly wrong. This is odd considering I expected to be in trouble for this.
"So you're not mad?" I ask. Avoiding the eyes of my dad's new wife. She's not exactly somepony I'm comfortable around.
"Of course I'm not. I knew you were sad about things and I should've talked to you about this sooner. You need help." She said, still crying, but thankfully not hugging me anymore. "Me and your dad are taking you to the hospital."
"What?" I say. I'm completely confused at this point. Did I actually get a disease from the time I hurt myself, one that I don't know about? Or do I have to get a tetanus shot? As soon as anxieties start flooding in my head, she hugs me again. In my experience, being anxious is mostly better than being extremely uncomfortable so I'm a bit disappointed. I follow her out of the school and I see my dad there. I'm glad to see him at least, but why does he look mad?
"I don't have time to take off work because you said stupid things to the counseler." Dad yells. "I needed to be there to clean up after the big rainstorm, but now I have to take you to the hospital! What were you thinking?"
"The counseler?" Oh, Celestia that was the counseler's office. I am internally facehoofing myself as we speak. This is about my feelings, not about what happened at school. About death?
"You're so good at playing dumb." Blurted out my dad's wife, Copper Leaf. It's good to have her usual condescending self back.
So thankfully neither of my parents say a word throughout the entire walk to the hospital, and Celestia knows I wouldn't bother to initiate conversation at this point. We walk in and are greeted by Nurse Redheart.
"Hello, welcome. What is it you're in for?" She said. She sounds sweet. I hope my parents leave soon so I'm stuck with her.
"Our son just got admitted for suicidal ideation." Said Copper Leaf, in the polite tone she always uses when talking to strangers.
"Okay then." Said Nurse Redheart, flipping through medical files. "Looks like you're looking for the adolescent psychiatric ward on K-4."
Adolescent psychiatric ward? I hope they stick me in solitary confinement. With no visitor priveleges.
Nurse Redheart walks me there, alone thankfully. I wonder how long I'll stay here? I know I don't belong here, but I might as well enjoy the time away from school and family. She unlocks the door...
"Don't let the crazies out!" I say, looking at Nurse Redheart with the most awkward smile I can muster. She responds with forced laughter. She seems tense. Too many night shifts I suppose. I walk in, she doesn't follow.
"I am a homosexual male!" I hear a mare blurt out. "Call me Harold!" This is going to be a long night.
This isn't finished btw, I have some ideas for more chapters and will accept audience input as well. I hope you enjoy!
First things first: great job! Second, um:
um, I'm fine with hey people, though I'm not gay.. But don't blurt it out!
5263011 lol might want to add a spoiler tag to that comment, that's the best part! :p
Alright. Let's get down to business.
First thing I see. While it's not god-awful, it's still quite bad. It's a bit more tell-y than it is show-y. Remember one of the most vital rules of writing--Show the readers what's happening. Don't tell them.
Something like this would be more favorable:
"Feeling the stinging heat from the sun, I shifted around my bed before trying to embrace the sweet bliss of slumber once more. Finding that I cannot achieve the sanctuary of sleep, I woke up, somewhat disgruntled. Yawning, I felt a rather itchy irritation in my eye. Rubbing my hoof to remedy the nuisance, I began crawling out of bed, not even bothering to fix the sheets as I left."
You've done it again. No offense, of course. Show us, don't tell us. Don't forget that.
"Remember. Fwoom. Fwoom."
I don't know why I placed that video there. I just thought that it was fitting.
Alright. Let me see if I can improve this...
"I bolted towards the door, not even bothering to get dressed. As I dashed out of my room, my eyes glared and locked on to the fridge. My stomach pleaded to stay and get something to eat. Now, however, was not the best time to snack on something. I suppose I can find something to eat later at school... Yeah. I have to stay optimistic!
Suddenly, I heard the familiar sound of rain tapping my roof. Groaning, I cursed silently under my breath as I head for the door."
Take note, don't go over-board in describing for just one thing or event. That can slow down the pacing of the story and can bore the readers. However, going to slow will make the pacing awkward and make the story seem lazily made.
An urgent matter has just come up. I will finish this review as soon as possible.
5265484 Thanks. That is a known problem with my writing as I feel that I am more literal and don't describe situations better and I feel it's easier to just let the reader know what's happening. This might be my opinion as well but when I read long descriptions I either don't quite understand everything or lose interest in the story. Either way, I will consider editing.
5265490
Long descriptions are fine.
Overly-long descriptions are not, however.
Just a tip.