• Member Since 18th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Shukawarioserfi


No

T

Monotone blurted some things out about how he felt about death to the school counseler... now he's admitted to a mental hospital for suicidal ideation. But why is it that this is the one group of ponies he feels that he can actually relate to? Is he actually crazy, or are they all NORMAL? And why is Discord doing volunteer hours at an adolescent mental institution? Rated teen for slight language and sexual references.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 63 )

This isn't finished btw, I have some ideas for more chapters and will accept audience input as well. I hope you enjoy!

First things first: great job! Second, um:

"I am a homosexual male!" I hear a mare blurt out. "Call me Harold!" This is going to be a long night

um, I'm fine with hey people, though I'm not gay.. But don't blurt it out!

5263011 lol might want to add a spoiler tag to that comment, that's the best part! :p

Alright. Let's get down to business.

I wake up. I rub my eyelids trying to keep them open for a half a second while I crawl hoof-first out of bed.

First thing I see. While it's not god-awful, it's still quite bad. It's a bit more tell-y than it is show-y. Remember one of the most vital rules of writing--Show the readers what's happening. Don't tell them.

Something like this would be more favorable:

"Feeling the stinging heat from the sun, I shifted around my bed before trying to embrace the sweet bliss of slumber once more. Finding that I cannot achieve the sanctuary of sleep, I woke up, somewhat disgruntled. Yawning, I felt a rather itchy irritation in my eye. Rubbing my hoof to remedy the nuisance, I began crawling out of bed, not even bothering to fix the sheets as I left."

I completely skip the pleasantries of dress and quickly hop on my bike, in the rain.

You've done it again. No offense, of course. Show us, don't tell us. Don't forget that.

"Remember. Fwoom. Fwoom."

I don't know why I placed that video there. I just thought that it was fitting.


Alright. Let me see if I can improve this...


"I bolted towards the door, not even bothering to get dressed. As I dashed out of my room, my eyes glared and locked on to the fridge. My stomach pleaded to stay and get something to eat. Now, however, was not the best time to snack on something. I suppose I can find something to eat later at school... Yeah. I have to stay optimistic!

Suddenly, I heard the familiar sound of rain tapping my roof. Groaning, I cursed silently under my breath as I head for the door."

Take note, don't go over-board in describing for just one thing or event. That can slow down the pacing of the story and can bore the readers. However, going to slow will make the pacing awkward and make the story seem lazily made.


An urgent matter has just come up. I will finish this review as soon as possible.

5265484 Thanks. That is a known problem with my writing as I feel that I am more literal and don't describe situations better and I feel it's easier to just let the reader know what's happening. This might be my opinion as well but when I read long descriptions I either don't quite understand everything or lose interest in the story. Either way, I will consider editing.

5265490

Long descriptions are fine.

Overly-long descriptions are not, however.

Just a tip.

Oh god, you added a sex tag? :facehoof: and don't give me that shit about "you'll do it someday!" Cuz I will. But for now, I'm gonna skip that sex part

5267664 The sex tag is for the masturbation reference and sexual innuendo. I was never really planning to add sex to my story.

My mouth is stuffed full of bananas at this point, and Holley is laughing uncontrollably, possibly thinking immaturely about there being so many bananas in my mouth.

oh she's laughing about... No wait, ponies don't have those...

"Come play with us." She says.

sounds creepy, I'll pass

"And I'm Bird Droppings." The white mare says.

I couldn't upload an image, but let's just snicker about this :rainbowlaugh: or manically laugh

5267724 There's also an instance later with Monotone jokingly calling her "Bird Shit."

Maybe, if i turn my iPad upside down, I could add another up vote! Didn't work :applecry:

5267845 :D LOL thank you! Tell your friends I guess. IK I've tried too, didn't work. Needs 30 cc's of likes, stat!

5267879 sorry buddy, none of my best friends are bronies. I have a few other friends who are, but no matter how hard I try,they won't sign up.:applejackunsure:

5267934 but if something's funny,or abit gory and awesome, they'll take a look. But never will they become full fledged bronies

Show don't tell, show don't tell, show don't tell - turn it into your mantra, because you somehow keep forgetting about it. I'm not saying you should adopt prose as your modus operandi, but beige prose is infinitely more potent. If overdone, it's also infinitely more difficult to enjoy.

Pulling from life experience is commendable - part of me wishes I had something more interesting to say than "I grew up on the computer, and that's really it." - but it's not always the best course of action. Because real life is boring, amiright? That's why we're here, writing about technicolor/pastel equines that speak every major language.

All that aside, I see a ton of technical errors and dodgy word choices. There's a story there, I'm sure: just needs some meat on the bones, and we'll be good to go. Also, I see no innuendo or double entendre here. Not enough to warrant the tag, anyway. Be careful if you go to remove it, though; I don't think the internet wizards of the realm would think too highly of that, unless you changed the story to fit the new criteria.

Dude just one suggestion. Make Illuminata love tea so she could be illumina-tea! XD Btw I love your stories keep up the good work!

5270127 Thank you! I will try to keep up, but the current pace I have of one chapter per day probably won't stay, so it may be a bit longer for the next one.

Ahhh...this brings back memories of my own stay in a mental institution
Good times...
Being the king of Blackjack, Uno and Sorry! and having chocolate cake every day was lovely...

Although the beds were maybe a little softer than granite, so I usually ended up sleeping on the floor.

5270240 LOL yes, it was a fun time for me as well. :p

5270127

Lol, coming from the Spirit of Chaos. Now, I'm laughing :rainbowlaugh: No offense, I just find it funny

I love this story so much! Can't wait to see how it progresses!

5274594 Glad to hear you like it! Next chapter will be updated soon.

Bird Dropping's laughs. "Illumina tea." :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: thank you!

5293475 Once you mentioned it, I had to put it in there somewhere.

>>brocialanxiety as soon as i saw that illuminita say discord got her chamomile tea i knew that was coming along. :pinkiesmile:

5294142 I kind of thought the reference was a bit forced though...

Yeah.. I kinda thought that, too. But it was nice of you to put that in there. :twilightsmile:

I feel like this story has been getting only dislikes lately. Is this story regressing into further chapters? I need to know what you guys think.

5297326 It might be the grammar errors, not sure. Or perhaps people want you to pick up the pace a little bit. :applejackunsure:
One thing on the grammar:

Penny Rye is having anxiety and I just hate life." Lithia Sault said

.
Take this for example, there should be a comma instead of that period, and there is always a comma unless the dialogue is followed by an action.

Penny Rye is having anxiety and I just hate life." Lithia Sault picked at her food

. That's the action. No "said".

5297424 Thank you for pointing this out. I hope to get better at this. So far my continued writing of this story only seems to make it worse. I might need to end this one sooner rather than later.

Even though I HATEEEEEE cliffhangers, you did good with this one :3

5308644 Thanks... what do you think will happen?

5308648 Hmmmm. One of two things. 1. Discord makes them watch some kind of "propaganda" movie to make them work for him. 2.Bird droppings gets called "bird shit" again.

5308805 grrr. The shaded black bar. My mortal enemy :3

5308805 I found out what it said. And yeah.

"Di-" I pointed a hoof accusationally at Bird Dropping before the real Discord peeked out of his office. My face went red. "I thought she was you." I explained nervously. Discord scoffed."

I had to laugh at this! :rainbowlaugh: So hilarious!

Aww come on! :pinkiegasp: I want to read what happens next!! You were doing so well, much less the grammar and spelling errors, but I am just DYING to know what's gonna happen. Is the next chapter going to be a repeat of Mono's nightmare? :trixieshiftright:

I wonder...:unsuresweetie:

Nice cliffhanger though!! :rainbowlaugh: This had me laughing.

5327837 I will finish this story, I'm currently riding the hype train on my Hunger Games in Equestria Story and I don't have as much writing time as I would like, so it may be longer than anticipated before this gets done.

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