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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You made DERPY a BUCKING SKY ADMIRAL?! Celestia help us all!
The kind of monster that will do whatever and use whoever it takes to accomplish her goals.
The kind of monster that is crafty, cunning and absurdly strong.
The kind of monster that WILL destroy Equestria if you keep underestimating her.
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I take it you like villains that are not pushovers(*cough* Sobra*cough*)
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I like villains that the good guys have to work hard, or think really hard, in order to beat. I don't like villains that once they win, game over.
I think this story has lost me. This no longer feels like a MLP fanfic, but more like a Modern Warfare fanfic with ponies in it. I started reading it when it was a simple ship/clop-fic between Zecora and Fluttershy, but we haven't even heard a thing about either of them for two chapters.
And while less offensive than turning into a completely different story (how is this the same story as the one with Zecora and Fluttershy in it?), this chapter was also rife with errors. Things liek, well, liek that. Also, it's 2nd, not 2and. Simple stuff that would be picked up by a basic spellchecker. Of course, there were errors in word choice as well, plus punctuation and grammatical errors too. I think Celestia would know when to say "I," and when to say "me."
"In the event me and Luna pass on,..."
Should be: "...Luna and I pass on..."
My advice? Get a proofreader. Second bit of advice would be to split this story into two, after the first few chapters. Because really, in tone, they are not even close to the same story. It almost makes me doubt that it's the same author.
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Proof readers and editors are difficult to find to say the least. Also the internal spell checker on the site does a less than fantastic job catching typo's and I although I want to get a grammar checker I don't exactly have the 50$ to buy one. Neither liek or 2and popped up red on the spell checker and I'm already fairly poor at proofreading leads to some sections being readable but not perfect.
As for the tone shifting, well the original person that requested this shipping/clop decided to never bother reading it so is used it as a way to expand my writing ability and see how far I can tell a story. I settled on a double light/dark swap( Which is done to hell in the Harry Potter books) ahead of time and worked my way from there. The reason the chapters seem drastically different can also be these last two chapters being 2-5 times normal size. Maybe in contrast I should have made it a rashamon approach but I digress.
Also I take offense to the "modern warfare" fic accusation. Most of it is sneaky double crossing and cunning (or not) bait tactics than outright war. There also is very limited killing as Equestria has a (inferred) non-lethal policy to combat. If this was "Modern Warfare" then it would be something like half the dozen(shitty) halo crossover that make featured on name rather than substance.
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Well, that's understandable then, the change of style at least has a reason behind it. I stand by my Modern Warfare comment, but that hardly matters. After all, this is your story, not mine, and if I do not like where it is going, then I will stop reading it. A shame, but there it is. Best of luck to you in future endeavours.
If you want a proof reader, I could do it. I edit all of my friend's work for them because most of them can't spell or punctuate worth a dime.
hey diceman is me again just a quick question are you gonna do another chapter and plus I like this story
1865803
Current chapters been done since the 13th but my editors been MIA due to finals /holidays and I am lacking a editor to finish editing until he returns.
that's ok just take your time though I don't want you rushing because of me so take your time
This story went from mare-in-heat clopfic to a brutal and intense story about a war between two nations. How did that happen in the author's brain?
ULTIMATE BADASS DERPY!!!! YES!
If celestia teleported the explosives on her, why didn't just teleport all the explosive collars elsewhere..... Like space...... Just sayin
also you have iron snout call himself iron will a couple of times and then refer back to him as iron snout
Snrk, Sky Admiral Derpy.
Lots of errors, but the general style saves it from being unpleasant to read.
And we all know that griffons have the best army.
Cya
Raziel-chan