CHAPTER 6
Bobbing for Apples
Terror gripped Dash's heart and lungs, squeezing the very life out of her battered body like no mere injury could ever accomplish. Its chill permeated her flesh, freezing her from within, rooting her to the spot, and turning her muscles to ice. Applejack's last, desperate look burned behind Dash's eyes.
From the huddled family, the youngest filly opened her mouth to scream—
Dash became aware of sluggish motion, already begun: her legs moving of their own accord, bending, lifting, reaching. They slowly started to move her forward without any command or involvement from her. She imagined she could feel every one of her muscles contracting and relaxing, each in its own turn but at a glacial pace. It was a slow-motion ballet of precise movement, without wasted energy or purpose, in which she was a mere spectator.
Terror's claw wrapped tighter around her struggling heart, distorting its shape and stifling its beat.
How can she be gone?
Her eyes still stared out the open door ahead of her, where only raindrops drifted slowly past in the howling gale.
Why was I asleep when they needed me?
The sound of her first hooffall boomed deeply through the thick air.
She can't die.
Tears blurred her vision, the claw's grasp faltered, and her heart gave a mighty, pounding beat.
I won't let her die!
The end of the passenger car exploded as a spinning, sparking streak of pure color erupted from within, plunging into the still-seething clouds below the sheared-off tracks.
—just as the filly's scream escaped her lips.
———
Rain-battered clouds streaked past Dash's plunging form, her goggleless eyes squinting to see through the rushing wet air—which was strangely still in the protective embrace of the gorge.
Has the train hit bottom yet? Would I hear it? How deep is this?
Doubt and confusion consumed her thoughts as she power-dived through the dark mist, wings tight against her sides.
She saw something sinister flit through the fog, a whipping tentacle that was bearing down upon her. Before Dash could dodge it, it was on top of her, wrapping around her torso and trapping her wings.
She struggled wildly—and she was immediately freed. It had no strength, it—
It's a rope!
Realization hit her as she and the rope continued to plunge into the gorge.
Applejack's!
She instantly seized the rope in her teeth and popped her wings wide. The jolt twisted her neck around and down, but she didn't let go. She could feel that there was weight at the other end of the line.
She could only hope it was—
As she painfully struggled to slow her fall, she wound one foreleg in the rope to take some of the weight from her teeth.
Dash had to stifle a mouth-opening gasp when a mighty, crashing explosion from below startled her. A cloud of choking dust billowed up to engulf her, darkening the fog still further.
Still, Dash held fast to her burden, jaws locked, gaining height once more. The rough rope cut into her gums and ripped loose the leg of her uniform. The thick dust clogged her panting nostrils with the smell of smoke and pine.
She slowly backed her way upwards, straining wings above and clenching teeth below. The taut rope vanished into the dark, sound-eating clouds below, hiding the far end from sight.
Dash couldn't judge the weight of what was at the other end through her teeth and leg, having never lifted anything this way before—for good reason.
It hurt.
It hurt her teeth and jaw. It hurt her leg, her neck, her back. Strain cramped her muscles, and each down-thrust of her wings threatened to rip the rope from her tenuous grasp.
If gritting her teeth were possible, Dash would have, because she would not let go.
She couldn't tell if she was making any headway at all until she thought she could feel the edges of the windstorm above the gorge playing with her tail. It was only then that a question came to her mind: What next?
To land Applejack—if it was her at the far end—safely on the ground, they would both have to clear the cliffs that lined the gorge. Dash had no idea how long the rope was or how high she would have to fly to get Applejack above ground level.
Landing her on the train was out of the question. It would be impossible to control the swing of so long a pendulum in those outrageous winds and land it on such a tiny target.
Altitude was her only answer.
Dash hoped that she could hold on. She hoped that Applejack could hold on.
She became aware of a darker patch in the fog next to her. Shifting herself closer, she found a ragged structure of broken-off timbers. The bridge!
Dash realized she must be directly below the remaining end of the train. Without the same winds as above, she'd gone straight down and straight back up. Her sudden desire to reach the train gave her new strength. She accelerated, and the wooden crossbeams flashed past her through the dark fog.
Suddenly, she burst out of the mist, blinded by the train's lights. She threw her free foreleg over her eyes to shield them as she jolted upwards in surprise. She was once more in the storm, and it had grown even stronger—
The wind slammed Dash hard against the side of the train, knocking the breath from her, but not knocking the rope from her grip. The momentum of her rapid ascent slid her up and over the train, rolling her across the roof and tangling her wings in the line. She scrambled for purchase with her free hooves, but the metal canopy was slick and wet. A moment later she was blown off the other side, her wings trapped and immobilized by the rope, falling upside down and out of control.
Eyes wide with panic, Dash twisted and turned, trying to shake herself free from the binding rope so that she could open her wings and stop her fall, but now the rope was too tight, and she couldn't escape its bonds.
She plummeted down past the side of the train, the line of wet rope sliding over the roof of the carriage with a hiss.
Dash was almost in free fall, slowed only by the rope she now dangled upside down from, completely trussed up and helpless to stop her plunge into the gorge. She clenched her eyes shut in terror, blocking out the sight of bridge struts flashing past.
A moment later, Dash felt her descent slowing. With a jolt, the rope went taut, and the back of her head banged against the wood of the bridge. She had come to a stop.
Trapped. Dangling.
Without the speed of her passage to dry her anymore, the dense fog of the gorge began to bead on her mane and lashes, mixing there with her hot tears of grief.
I'm sorry, Applejack. I tried...
"Hey there, sugarcube," said a quiet, tired voice.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" said the voice.
"Not saving you."
The laughter was just as quiet, and rather shaky. "Well, it wasn't the most perfect of rescues, but... a rescue it was," said the voice, seemingly right next to her.
Dash had been rotating as she hung there, and now, opening her eyes, she saw an orange blur through the crisscrossed wooden beams of the bridge. "Applejack?"
Applejack gave an exhausted chuckle, "Eeyup. Let me guess... You tied yerself up?"
Dash giggled in relief. It is Applejack! As she was still trying to absorb the fact that her friend was alive and talking to her, Dash was beaten to the next question.
Applejack asked, "How're we gonna git back up to the train from here? You're too tangled up to move and I can only fly in one direction—down."
Collecting her wits, Dash tried to see the full state of their condition. She had flown up and over the top of the train car, thanks to the wind, and then down the other side, pulling Applejack up as she fell. They had stopped when their weight was equal on both sides, coming to a halt opposite each other.
Dash hadn't been in the best condition when all this began, and now, dangling upside down and immobile made it very hard to think straight. She couldn't see any way out of this.
After a few moments of silence—the eerie, muffled silence deep in the heart of a dense fog—Applejack asked, "Could you carry me up if we were free?"
Dash's old bravado powered her response. "Of course I can," she boasted. Then recent experience led her to second-guess herself. "As... long as we stay below the winds."
"But you could lift me up to the train?"
"I got us here, didn't I?" said the trussed up and dangling Dash.
After the briefest of pauses, laughter flowed from them both—over-loud, nervous laughter, but real nonetheless.
After they got themselves back under control, Applejack said, "Okay then. I'm gonna step onto the supports here and attach the rope to them... and then free myself. Then I can climb through to your side and untie you."
"Sure. Take your time. I'm just... hanging around." They both giggled and snickered once more, their laughter still driven by nerves. Dash was quite sure all of her blood had pooled in her head by now.
Dash could only watch, slightly disoriented by the topsy-turvy scene, as Applejack clambered into the structure of the bridge, wrapping the rope around an intersection of several beams. Then, without letting up on the tension, Applejack worked at the tight knot that had held her in the rope throughout her long fall and longer ascent. Once free, she quickly tied the rope to the bridge.
Then came the dangerous traversal through the bridge's structure to get to Dash's side—without the protection of the rope. Applejack tested each piece of timber before trusting any of her weight to it. Several times she had to change direction as she stepped onto a board or beam that had been shaken loose by the collapse.
It took longer than Dash had expected, but Applejack made it through. Soon she was leaning out of the structure, holding Dash's upside-down head in her hooves and stopping her slow rotation.
"Thanks, sugarcube," she said softly. "I thought I was a goner there for sure."
Dash could only smile shakily in response. She'd grown quite light-headed while watching Applejack work her way through the bridge.
As her friend gently held her head, Dash could only think, Applejack looks really funny standing upside down like that.
Then Dash felt hooves exploring the lay of the rope around her body, the knots and twists that bound her. "Okay. I think I see the way of it," said Applejack. "You'll be all right if I just—free you all in one go? You'll be able to fly?"
"Only one way to find out. Either that or I just... hang around." It was every bit as funny the second time to Dash, in her state of mind. Applejack, on the other hoof, wasn't as amused. Concern for her friend was plain on her face. Even Dash knew that if she couldn't fly when she was released, she would fall to her death.
Dash realized that if that happened, Applejack would likely take the blame onto herself. Dash tried to clear her head and focus—because there wasn't any other choice.
Applejack slowly worked the loose end of the rope free while leaning on one of the angled cross-supports of the bridge—a foreleg reaching around each side, hind legs braced securely in the structure. Dash craned her neck to watch, but she couldn't see much from her angle.
Eventually, Applejack had a length of the rope looped around a free hoof, and she took up the slack. "Git ready..." she warned, and, after a nod from Dash, she heaved backwards on the line. In a body-twirling yank, Dash was spun around and released, immediately plummeting out of sight into the dark fog.
"Dash!" yelled Applejack.
Just a few seconds later, however, the silhouette of Rainbow Dash was back, hovering in front of her in the torn and ripped Wonderbolt's uniform, goggles once more over her eyes.
"Somepony call for a lift?"
Applejack grinned and stretched a hoof out from her perch amid the timbers. Dash swooped in close and scooped her up about the torso, and the two friends flew up out of the dank and shadowy abyss together.
———
First one orange hoof, then another, and Applejack pulled herself up onto the rear porch at the end of what was left of the train. Her loose mane and tail streamed wildly behind her in a blonde river of wet, tangled hair. She slipped inside the carriage and dropped to the floor in exhaustion just as Dash slid in, off-balance from her landing, wings closed at the last moment to fit through the door.
The two exhausted ponies lay there, catching their breath in the relative safety of the swaying, dark, and empty car. The sheared-off bridge had seemed fairly stable down below, but up here with the storm shoving at the broad side of the passenger carriages, the structure swung wildly from side to side in time with the howls of the wind. It groaned back as if in heated, escalating argument with the storm.
Applejack, recovering her breath first, said, "Everypony's out of this car, too. We should cut it loose and get it off the bridge."
"What? Again?" panted the still-breathless Dash. "Didn't you just do that?"
"Well, ah... Ah'll be more careful this time. And I think—I hope—there'll be a lot less collapsin' bridge involved." Applejack, wincing, got slowly to her hooves.
Dash nodded in fervent agreement, clambering back up onto her own unsteady hooves. "Good plan. I like the not-falling-to-our-death bit."
Applejack grinned and tousled Dash's mane as she passed, headed for the front of the carriage and the next coupling. Dash shook her dripping hair back out of her face and got one last deep breath before following Applejack towards the door.
———
Applejack's bucking did the job on the first try this time, and the carriage was disconnected quickly and easily. Dash suddenly recalled a saying from the Wonderbolt Academy: With experience comes speed.
Dash braced herself between the storm-ravaged porches and started to push the disconnected car away, but Applejack stopped her, shaking her head. Unable to communicate in the storm—in fact, quite likely to drown if facing the wrong direction with an open mouth, Dash thought—they clambered in through the door to the next carriage.
The space was packed with ponies, all oddly quiet once the pair had shut the door behind them. Their terror had turned into resigned despair, all hope gone with only useless, oppressive time remaining in its wake. Even the appearance of the sodden strangers had little effect beyond slow, disinterested glances.
The dark despondency clamped down on even Dash and Applejack's spirits as they moved slowly down the aisle, stepping over and around slumped and lethargic forms. The biggest reactions they saw from the huddled masses were fearful glances at windows and roof as thunder rolled over them and gusts shoved particularly hard at the protesting remains of the bridge.
Affected by the mood, Applejack spoke in low, quiet tones to Dash as they made their way forward. "I don't think we could have pushed it off. It would'a just got stuck on the end, or worse, taken some of the bridge with it. But at least it won't drag the train backwards if it falls, now."
Having reached the front of the car without any sign of their friends, Applejack pushed through into the storm once more. Dash looked back at the faces of the ponies she'd tried to save and saw how they didn't bother to protect themselves from the sudden influx of rain and wind. It chilled her to the bone to see them so despondent.
The next carriage was much like the first, but even more crowded. They moved slowly, picking their way through the huddled masses and searching for their friends—or the slightest glimmer of hope in the faces they passed.
They found neither.
They encountered the conductor, however, as he entered the carriage from the front end in a blast of horizontal rain, just as they were reaching for the door themselves.
"Oh! I was told..." His eyes went wide as he recognized them, but then he shook his head, his momentary burst of optimism fading. "Doesn't matter."
"What's been happenin'? How's the rescue going?" asked Applejack.
"What? Rescue?" He looked strangely at them. "Haven't you been listening at all?"
The two shared a glance just as a blinding flash and a roaring, booming clap of thunder shook the carriage. Dash could feel the sound deep in her chest, and several ponies around them screamed in shock and fear. The blast was quickly followed by another, and the sound of the rain battering the roof intensified. The passengers' low voices were thick with fright. It was a panic with no outlet that ate away at them from within.
"No," said Dash forcefully. "No, we haven't been listening. Tell us what's happening!"
"Nothing is happening! There's been another mudslide. The ground crew has had to pull back. There's nothing anypony can do to save us! And it's just a matter of time before what's left of this bridge collapses completely!" His voice increased in volume and caused some nearby passengers to look up with fright and others to bury their heads in their companions' manes.
"Where's Twilight?" demanded Dash.
"Who?" His eyes lost focus and turned upwards towards the pounding sound of rain on metal. What energy he'd briefly possessed had simply drained away now that he had spouted his dire synopsis.
Applejack joined in. "Our unicorn friend. The one that's been helpin' by teleportin' ponies off the train? Where is she?"
"First car. But even that hope is gone now," he said as he collapsed onto a bench next to a turquoise mare with tear-filled eyes. She was twisting a handkerchief in her hooves, head bowed, and didn't even look at him.
The two friends shared a worried glance before hurrying out towards the first car.
———
The storm was truly deadly now, Dash realized, as they stepped out into something beyond any nightmare she'd ever had. More lightning split the sky, irradiating the nearby clifftops in blue-white fire.
She'd been roughed up by this storm so much over the past day, but only now was the storm truly upon her. This wasn't just a bad storm. This was a hurricane, and Dash finally understood what that word implied.
Dash stood for a moment in the full fury of the storm, holding fast as Applejack escaped into the front carriage. She could feel the force of the raindrops hitting her body like little fists, feel the gripping, yanking pull of the wind on her mane and tail, feel the feathers of her wings, so attuned to the winds of speed, agitated like never before by the rushing air.
She realized that she was as scared as she'd ever been.
She staggered after Applejack.
———
Inside the first carriage, they finally found their friends huddled together at the far end. They rushed towards the group, stopping short as they saw Twilight Sparkle, prone and unmoving on the floor.
"Twilight!" yelled Dash, a ragged surge of panic welling up inside her.
"Twi!" Applejack turned to the kneeling Fluttershy. "What happened?"
"She saved so many. She..." Fluttershy faltered, her breath coming in ragged little gasps, tears flowing down her already-streaked face to fall onto Twilight's mane.
Dash felt the claw of fear grip her heart once more.
"She was transporting another family to safety," whispered Rarity. "The three foals first. It was—It was just too much for her. Too many trips. When she came back after taking the mother across, she—She collapsed!"
"She just kept... teleporting again... and again," whimpered Fluttershy between tight little sobs. Spike was kneeling silently next to Twilight's head, tears flowing down his scales.
Dash's eyes were wide with shock. "She's not—"
Rarity looked up through watery eyes. "No. But she's just barely breathing. And we don't know what to do for her." There was such anguish in her voice.
Even Pinkie Pie was quietly crying.
Applejack sat down softly next to the still form of Twilight and rested a hoof gently on her mane, whispering sadly, "Hang in there, sugarcube."
As the full fury of the hurricane battered and rattled their unstable prison, Dash saw all the hope and light drain away from her friends—and all the ponies trapped on the train. She felt the claw of fear and self-recrimination strangle her from the inside, and something within Dash finally broke.
She felt it go. A heat drained away inside her. Her vision narrowed.
Recent memories exploded in her mind: the air show cancellation, the dark flight along the rail lines, the tunnel, the mudslide, her plummet into the gorge, Applejack's fall and rescue—her friends' defeated acceptance of seemingly unavoidable death.
At every step of the way she'd had an enemy at her back, a foe throwing heartache and pain relentlessly against her—an adversary that first tried to crush her and now tried to crush her friends.
"The hurricane."
The rage in her low utterance made her friends turn to look at her with some alarm, but Dash just stared out a rain-streaked window, motionless and tense.
She remembered how High Winds had described a hurricane: organized chaos. Maybe there was a weakness there, maybe not—but to sit here and cower in fear wasn't in her.
It's not the Wonderbolt way. It's not the Rainbow Dash way.
She couldn't leave the train to save herself, but she could leave it to save everypony else—or at least try. As she stared out the window, Dash felt the fear inside her, but she felt hope as well. And that's important, she decided. Hope is most important when there's nothing else left.
Dash turned to look at Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike—and the still form of Twilight Sparkle who had given everything she could to save everypony.
An inner fire reignited. Even if I fail, I can still give them hope.
Dash turned and walked slowly towards the door. And I know I'm doomed to fail.
Applejack saw Dash starting to leave and asked, "Where do you think you're goin'?"
Dash paused with one hoof on the door, the ragged sleeve of her torn uniform dangling. Without looking back, she said, almost too quietly for them to hear over the storm, "I'm going to try and kill a hurricane." Even as she said those words, she trembled inside.
"But," gasped a startled Rarity, "that's... impossible! Isn't it?"
Dash just lowered her head slightly, eyes closed, still frozen at the door, holding back the tremors of fear that threatened to overwhelm her. "Is it? Can you tell me there really isn't any hope left?" A passionate cry burst from her. "Are you sure?"
"I..." Rarity's mouth opened, then closed. She looked at the others for help.
Applejack was watching Dash calmly, however, her gaze clear. "There's always a chance, sugarcube," she said quietly.
Applejack stood up, glancing around at all the anxious, frightened ponies huddled within the rocking carriage, raising her voice over the storm for their ears. "And Ah think, if there's anypony who could stop this, who could save us, it's the newest member of the Wonderbolts." She turned back to Dash. "And my friend."
All the passengers were now intent upon the scene before them. Their quiet, expectant eyes were hungry for any shred of hope—and beneath their needy gazes, a terrified Rainbow Dash was determined to do what she must to give it to them.
A pounding heartbeat later, she was gone.
———
Soon she's holding Dash's upside-down head in her hands, stopping her slow rotation.
Oh no! Applejack! What did that fall do to you?!
"HURRICANE!" her bellow rocks the car like the thunder that punctuates it.
"Yes, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow falters, eyes widening slowly. She wisely decides to stop trying to talk to a storm.
542081
Oops! Thanks for the catch. Applejack has now been shoed. Pay no attention to those fingers behind the curtain!
542107
Hmmm... Was that too corny? Maybe I should have sat on that for a bit before releasing it...
542192
Not gonna sugarcoat it, that part was a bit corny. Not bad, mind you, just... yeah, you get what I'm saying.
542250
I'm with you. I think this will be my first big post-publication edit.
"BAD ENDING!" I yell, "You're going DOWN!"
I'll preserve this rubbish in the blog for historical purposes, but expect chapter 6's ending to change very soon...
542290
In my head, I keep thinking of an omake of this scene, where Rainbow flies above the cloud layer and she and the Hurricane end up having a friendly chat, even as the weight of the train and its passengers finally breaks the bridge altogether and they all plummet to their deaths.
As is the way with the MLP fandom, all things friendship must lead to shipping, so eventually Rainbow and the Hurricane end up making odd stormpony babies together. Somehow.
542332
Gah!!! You're making me cringe! New ending! New ending!
*typetypetype*
Ah. I only hope this one is better... :)
Take it from: "...Hurricane..."
I can only apologize to everyone that read the original ending for chapter 6. I beg that you read its new ending instead, and burn that previous foulness from your memory. (I know a guy that writes Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fanfic that could help there.)
I may put the original drivel in the blog, if I can find a <quarantine> tag strong enough to hold it...
542362
It's nowhere near as corny, true, but you kinda killed the dramatic tension by having them talk it out like reasonable ponies. Like before, everypony probably knew what Dash was about to do, but she took off before anyone could say anything, right? There's a lot of tension in that kind of situation, because you know her friends would not be happy with her decision to throw herself headfirst into this killer storm. Having everypony talk about Rainbow going to break up the hurricane isn't too bad in itself, really. It's mostly their acceptance of her crazy idea that makes it fall flat. I know that sounds horrible, and it is, but that extra level of conflict on top of the overarching issue of the storm itself really lends a lot of weight to this particular scene. And considering Dash is about to try and clear what is potentially the worst storm Equestria has ever seen (on her own, no less), that ending scene should be rather heavy on the dramatic tension. Am I making sense?
Kinda makes me wish I hadn't commented in the first place; somewhat-corny with adequate tension is better than non-corny with lacking tension. I dunno, maybe I'm just nitpicking--it is nearly 3AM.
542416
I'm thinking there's still more dramatic tension in this version, but it's quieter, deeper. The first take was all about rage, revenge. I hadn't intended that at the time - That's not how she should be reacting.
Every new moment in a story should be driven by what came before. And if there's anything I've been trying to drive into poor Rainbow Dash's head through all the hell I've put her through, it's... Responsibility. I see that as her greatest hurtle to becoming a Wonderbolt. (So its the one thing in the series she can never really acquire.)
And so here we have a scene of utter dispair. There's nothing she can do to end the despair, but there is something she, and only she can do to reduce it, and that's give them hope. Whether she succeeds or fails in the next chapter (I ain't sayin') she has at least given them all hope. Not a bad thing. I'm proud of her, now. :)
Edit: Oh, and as the writter, I'm pretty sure Applejack twigged on what she was doing, and more importantly, why. She probably actually doubts Dash can do anything to stop the storm, but by supporting her in front of everyone, she helped spark that hope. Which it seems she felt was worthwhile as well. But then, Applejack has the market cornered on responsibility already. :)
Screw the part about chapter endings and the lot.
She's going to go BREAK UP A HURRICANE!
NOW I WANNA SEE IT HAPPEN
Organized chaos. When I read that, and the part about the enemy at here back every step of the way, for some reason Discord popped into my head. That would be cool... hope I didn't just give away the ending lol
542560
I'm not saying anything definite here ("Spoilers!") but which seems more dangerous, Discord, or this?
...Just askin'.
550549
I see, you make a fine point. I guess that does look more dangerous than chocolate milk rain
550622
My thoughts exactly.
AND I'VE GOT TO DESCRIBE RAINBOW DASH "KILLING" A 200-MILE-WIDE VERSION OF... that.
Well. I have no one to blame but myself. I wrote the title, after all. It's not like this was a surprise.
Hey! I think I've FINALLY got a synopsis I like!
Rainbow Dash... Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal. Her one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt, and with a little help from a hurricane, her fondest wish may come true. But storms are unpredictable, and a monster of a storm is the most unpredictable of all - and the most dangerous. The plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane, and Rainbow Dash may end up facing far more than she can handle.
How far can you push a Rainbow?
What do YOU think?
Heh... Art for Chapter 6. ;)
566339
Thanks for reviewing it! I made some changes at your suggestions. :)
570703
ok, i'll read it again. but i won't be able to respond to anything untill 6:30 tomorrow. it seems i have a 24 hour ban
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRYceW1rJAoEUpwAxlkdnMdFyWg7gwpcEpHNN9-Q05lgb4dYzeJYQ
570727
Oh, you don't need to re-read. The changes were quite tiny. I'd rather you move on to chapter 3, if you feel in the reading mood.
Changes:
"...take up positions at one end of the grassy field dotted with two-story-tall slalom poles..."
"(Though actually it’s just Pinkie Pie dropping her popcorn.)"
Subtle change to the description of the poles, hopefully making them seem heftier, and the tense change to Pinkie's comical aside.
571063
i see watcha did there
How could I NOT drop that line there? :)
Every time I read that I am reminded of this: http://youtu.be/qVCFV7jT9ho
"Fast-Forward Rainbow Dash Is Redundant"
571217
You better edit that remark and remove that HORRIBLE SPOILER!!!
...naughty.
Edit: DUH-LEET-ED Sorry!
I didn't want that spoiler sitting there all night.
As to the other comment you had in there, I added a phrase to the start of the scene immediately after the tunnel, when she gets to her destination. That should prevent such thoughts from impinging on other readers.
571267
Well you can't really call it a spoiler since the next chapter wasn't up yet when i posted that. i figured it out all by myself. but good job with that deterring statement.
571438
Comments on a chapter also go to the main page's comments, which people often read before committing to the story. I'd hate to have that rather dramatic moment known before they even start chapter 1.
571446
... good point. and i wonder what the rest of the wonderbolts are doing through all of this, or wondering about rainbow dash. i can't wait for the celebration that results from this.
571556
Ah! So you think this will all end... Well.
Interesting...
(We need a Pinkie in a Sherlock Holmes hat icon.)
I'm not say'n anything!
This story is so great! At first I thought it was pretty good, but now its escalated to full blown awesome! I love the interaction between Rainbow Dash and Applejack, and am super excited for the next chapter of Rainbow trying to fight a Hurricane. I'm hoping for some serious drama, but am a little anxious, hoping deaths don't happen. Anywho, whatever you choose to do I'm sure it'll be great, keep up the awesome work
602437
Your comment about it getting better in later chapters I take as yet more support of my decision to re-write the beginning.
That's right. Chapter 1 will never be the same again. (And parts of chapter 2.) Anyone that is interested to watch the progress of the re-write can see (and comment) on it live as I work here. (Until I move it back here into FIMF, anything there is subject to change, however.)
It took me a few chapters to get my game together. But now I can take that game back to the start where it's really needed to hook new readers.
Soooooo, with all the obvious editing, when do we get to see the next chapter, 'cause right not this story's got me griped by...the obvious...and commands that I read MOAR. But first, we NEED 'moar' from you.
663402
The next chapter is in progress. Now that the revision pass is over, it's top priority. :)
I just need to squeeze out the time needed during this rather busy time of year...
Soon as I can though! I want to see what happens next too...
663949
No worries, looked like an editing spree, and I understand the whole "can't rush art" schtik, but you do have an exciting concept/story goin' and I'm excited to see you it continues.
Write on, good fellow, write on.
677206
It IS a very different start, and I fully expected some people who liked the original opening to not like the new one. And to you, and everyone that shares your opinion, I'll apologize for making you like something (or making something you like) that I ended up disliking. Well, it wasn't so much me that disliked it as every reviewer that looked at it critically.
(But hay... Think of it like this: you got TWO stories for the [free] price of one!)
The first opening was more involved in the "why" of Dash becoming a temporary Wonderbolt instead of how it affected her directly. And the "why" really didn't hold much water story-wise. There were plot holes in it you could drive a Smart car through. At least! The new opening keeps the most important element, the offer, and spends the rest of the time getting into Dash's head and getting comfortable there.
You know, it would almost be possible to take the original chapter one and tweak it to be a prolog where Dash was watching the show in Haytona when Silver got hurt. Only difference being she just didn't get the offer right then. A few days later, Spitfire and Soarin show up in Ponyville and the current chapter one takes place. I won't be doing this, because there are still major problems with the old chapter one's plot, but it could work. I was already imagining Silver's accident to be pretty much what it was originally, just without Dash's rescue.
But, as you suggest, I did learn a lesson from this first story of mine—which I am continuing—and that is, don't make it public until it's been edited! That's why my second two-chapter story "Words Failed Her" is not yet visible, even though it is complete. I'm going to put it through the ringer before anyone falls in love with it! And that means EDITORS, PROOFREADERS, and REVIEWERS!
No more heartbreak!
678024
Actually, that idea of making the original chapter a prologue would clear up most of my complaints. I just felt like that original scene gave the whole story some of its draw, y'know? Maybe there were some plot holes, but it had character.
Absolutely love the new cover art. Its awesome. Any word on an update? I don't want to be all in your face or anything, was just wondering
Im curious myself, is this fic dead? I was somewhat waiting for it to fill out some since I tend to read in large chunks.
1160772
Not dead, no... I've just been pulled in several directions over the summer. Hopefully time will be more forgiving and this story will be wrapped up. I'm getting there! :)
1164687
Ok! I hate to ask and pressure, as I have a few writer/artist friends from whom I've learned to never bother about their work.
Take your time and I'll continue to track like a good little dragon/pony..thing
We must. Have. Moar.
Can't wait to see this story finished! You have crafted one very convincing hero story so far, and I'd be delighted to see it continue. Your (revised) story is a very nice one! Please keep rocking on, good sir.
ITS TIME TO KILL SOME HURRICANE!!!!
PLEASE DON"T STOP! I NEED MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was looking back through my incomplete reading folder when this caught my eye, I remember reading this and tracking a while ago it seems, and of course I had to reread it again. I always wondered if this was cancelled or on hiatus. Really hoping for an ending to this someday. I of course already faved and thumb up when reading it originally. You really have something going with this. Not just the character depth but the care of the actual land as well. I please hope you consider finalizing this eventually. And will (hopefully) look forward to reading it till the end... Gonna have to move this back to the top of my list of fav's again.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
I do not see a Derpy Pony.
I see Derpy, a pony.
I will eventually find out how to have a sig on Fimfiction.
I've got three things I need to write, and litte time allocated to do so. There's the last two chapters if this story, a companion story for my existing Words Failed Her short story, and at the bottom of the list is a new epic about a young Star Swirl the Bearded. I'll probably do chapter seven of this story first, since I already have the plot in my head. The lock screen background on my iPad is this story's cover art, so I get constant reminders it needs to be wrapped up! :) Its not forgotten! I've already got some of it written...
This is a great story, and I've been waiting for a while for you to update, but you haven't. I really want you to do this soon because this is a great story and it still has potential.
1799226
I'm finishing up the final chapter right now. :)
This was a great chapter! I notice the lack of Tragedy and Sad tags so...I am very hopeful that it will not be all for not. Keep up the great writing! I shall be finishing this in the morning!
When I heard "organized chaos" this is what I thought:
Discord.
I can not handle this roller coaster of story! It is one figurate punch to the face after the other
...wait, is she thinking of what I think she is thinking?
She is.
Bloody Tartarus...