Chapter 1
Proteans finally came back to reality. He couldn’t remember where he was or anything after running away from that Ursa Major. His eyelids felt heavy, every breath hurt his lungs and he had pain all over his body. He suddenly heard the clopping of hooves. A stabbing pain ran through his body and he forced his eyes open to look around.
He was surrounded by ponies of all different colours. A purple unicorn was in the corner and she seemed to be ordering everypony else around, There was a pink one jumping around like a loony, handing the others first aid equipment. A white unicorn was in the corner decorating bandages with flowers. A blue pegasus was flying around trying to get various books on first aid. And an orange pony with a Stetson was trying to figure out what each of the different needles the pink one gave her had in them.
A slamming sound came from the other side of the room and Proteans painfully turned his neck to see a cream pegasus walk through the door with a white earth pony who seemed to be a nurse close behind.
“Ok Twilight where’s my patient?”
The purple unicorn that was supposedly called Twilight pointed at Proteans and the nurse came over
“Ah this will take a lot of bandages to fix up. Thanks for taking care of him girls.”
“It ain’t no problem Nurse Redheart. We trust try’d ta keep him alive till ya got here.”
“And it’s a good thing you did, he would’ve died from blood loss otherwise, judging by these wounds. If you girls don’t mind, I’d like to treat my patient now can you be a bit quiet?”
The nurse was about to set to work but before she did, Proteans realised that she couldn’t find out his secret and bucked her in the chest before she felt his wing.
The pain was unbearable but he managed to get on his legs and limp out of the door, his entire body writhing with pain as he staggered down the streets
“WAIT MISTER,”
He heard Twilight shouting after him, but continued anyways, picking up pace. Before he knew it, he was far away from the
treehouse he’d just escaped from. His problem now was that he needed somewhere to rest and heal his wounds. But where?
After what seemed like hours of agony, he found himself at a small barn. He slowly opened the door and when he was certain nopony was in there, limped in before collapsing on a bale of hay. After laying there for hours, he woke up to a surprise welcome.
“HI THERE MISTER!”
The sudden sound made Proteans jump, but he soon recovered and looked up, which was a choice he regretted because his wounds still hadn’t healed, and some of his cuts had some hay forced into them during the night. His eyes met those of a young filly with a big bow in her mane.
“Oh sorry, ah mean hi there miss, I just thought because you have the same build as a stallion that”
Proteans groaned “The first one was right”
“Oh really your face looks like a mare’s. Well hey there mah name’s Applebloom”
“Proteans”
“No mah name’s Applebloom. A.P.P.L.E.B.L”
“No” said Proteans cutting in before she could continue “I meant MY name is Proteans.”
“That don’t sound like a normal pony name.”
“I’m not a normal pony.”
“Ya can say dat again.”
“Oh thanks.”
“Don’ mention it. So why ya sleepin down here?”
“I ain’t got a house.” ‘OH NO’ Proteans thought to himself, ‘ I’m going to pick up her accent’!
“Ah should probably tell mah sister Applejack ya down here.”
“Nah I’ll go if you want.”
“Nah it’s fine Applejack’ll probably let ya stay here for a while till ya can get a house.”
“That’d be nice.”
“Ah’ll go get her.”
He waited for what seemed like an eternity before they came back and Proteans was shocked when he saw the face come round the corner.
“Howdy… Wait ah remembers ya you’re that stallion from last night at Twilight’s.”
“Howdy and yeh I am.”
“Why d’ya have ta attack Redheart? What did she do to ya?”
“I can’t explain.”
“Why not.” Applejack forgot all about the wounds and nudged Proteans in the side
“GAH” Proteans collapsed to the ground in pain. He eventually got up
“Ah’m so sorry I didn’t mean ta-“
“Don’t worry I’ll be fine just don’t do that ever again.”
“K ah’ll try mah best ta remember.”
“Thank you now if you don’t mind I think I’ll go before you forget again.” Proteans reached for his Stetson and was shocked it wasn’t there
“Where, where’s my-“
“Hat? We all decided to give it ta Rarity to look aftah.”
“Rarity?”
“She’s dat white unicorn from last night.”
“And she’ll be where?”
“She’ll be in her shop in town.”
“Thanks Applejack it’s been great meeting you.”
“Good ta meet yah mister...umm.”
“Proteans.”
“Good ta meet ya Proteans.” Applejack spat in her hoof and reached out, Proteans did the same and they shook hooves before
Proteans walked away
“Hope ah’ll see ya around Proteans.” Applejack said as he walked away. She felt there was something special about that stallion but she had no idea what it was.
“Hey big sister.”
“Yes sugarcube.”
“Yawl right? You’re as red as those pink mare apple ya like so much.”
Applejack realised she had been blushing all the time she’d been talking to Proteans. But this didn’t help because she just started to blush even harder
“Ah think somepony’s gotta crush on the new guy.”
“I DO NOT!”
This just made Applebloom fall backwards with laughter. And as Applejack said those words she wondered whether Proteans felt
the same.
It was a struggle but Proteans eventually got to the shop Applejack was speaking of. He didn’t mind saving ponies, but he almost never had to speak to the people he met. His nearly 1000 years with Celestia had taught him manners, so at least he knew how to be respectful. Problem was that when he was with Celestia he normally couldn't speak to anypony except for the two princesses until Celestia had finally managed to successfully turn him into a pony, but by then he had to go to school so the only normal adult he spoke to was his teacher. The truth was he wasn't use to conversation or being around anypony else.He'd always lived in solitude and once he'd got his hat back he'd return to his old life.
And never return.
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I like the idea of this. I haven't read all of the first chapter yet {gonna put if in read later} But I read the description and it sounded good. You made me hungry at chocolate, lol. This has some mistakes in the writing of it though. I hope that sentence didn't sound mean, because I'm not trying to be. If you would like, I could act as an editor for this story. It's up to you though.
One word can be said about this.
Punctuation.
Or, I suppose I should say the lack of punctuation.
I'm a big supporter of new users. The old and popular users are harder to befriend, since so many ponies are commenting.
So, Imma recommend you throw in some periods when necessary, some exclamations when ya need 'em, and some question marks in their places.
4919210 if you find any mistake tell me and i'll corect them :D
4920394 where abouts?
oh look 5 people here have some sense xD
4921917 I can't go through and tell you everyplace. I'd recommend you go to the "Looking for an Editor" group and start there.
4919210 what have you been editor for before??
4922296 thanks I'll keep it in mind :D
Here's a concept: capitalizing your story title.
4923467 i litterally just realised xD i'm such a noob
4922777 No. But I'm learning through others helping me edit, and I have learned a lot, so I could help with most of it, if not, all of it.
Chapter 0:
1.
You need a ! mark.
2.
This is on the second one. Put a , after SPIKE.
3.
Put a . between hopeless and he.
4.
Put a , between by and considering.
5.
Put a , after suddenly.
6.
Instead of putting opening, put open. (just my thought)
7.
If should be if.
8.
Put a , between him and but.
9.
I think it would flow better if you took out but and put a . there, thus starting a new sentence.
10.
Period at the end.
11.
Put a , after Rarity.
12.
Put that between helped and Rainbow.
13.
Put a , between earlier and causing.
14.
Put a , between while and but.
15.
Put a , between read and her.
16.
Put a , between read and trying.
17.
Put a , between Twilight and what.
18.
Put a , between Schoolhouse and there.
19.
Put a , between flank and but. Add had between but and an.
20.
Put a , between Ponyville and even.
21.
Put a , after castle and another after armour. Also armour should be Armour.
22.
Put a , between struggled and due.
23.
Put a . instead of a ,.
24.
Put for between except and wings and a , after wings.
25.
Put a , after on. Switch which with though and put it after re-use.
26.
This sentence is extremely confusing. I would suggest redoing it a tad, but that's just me.
Put a . after Spike.
27.
Should be: Mr. Super Pony.
28.
You need to backspace at by and press space. To simplify it is should be written as: (“1: he’s an alicorn with bat wings. 2: he’s a dark teal colour 3: he can summon darkness either by magical ability or by his darkness boom and)
29.
Put a , after eyes and is after which.
30.
Put a , between So and what.
31.
Put a space after ".
32.
Put a , between floor and his.
33.
of should be off.
34.
Press enter again so it would be:
of his head...
And yellow marks flashed in his eyes.
These are all the mistakes that I found. I'll do the next chapter tomorrow or Monday. I hope I don't sound mean with all of these, but it's what I found.
You also forgot to indent both chapters.
4928535 bloody tartarus i'm terrible at grammar xD
4928528 ok done i also re-wrote that bit you told me about so fingers crossed it's a little better. This is me so it's hardly gonna be a masterpiece. When you've done chapter 1 i'll probably upload chapter 2 or do you wnat me to send it to you first to go through before it's published?
4931481 what ever works for you. I sadly can't edit until later, for my internet is down. (I'm using my phone). But I read chapter one and its really good story line wise.
4932467 ok as soon as you can id love if you can do the mistakes for chap 1 :D but I understand if you can't
4932551 Oky doky. I just have to do some emails and then I'll get to work
4932785 yay thanks oh quick question do you have any artist friends??
4932830 No that I know of, sorry.
4932851 ok don't worry then thanks :D
Chapter 1:
1. You need to space out each individual paragraph/speaking line.
2.Again, no indenting in this chapter. Every good story needs indenting.
3.
is should be his.
3.
Change and into to.
4.
Put . instead of a ,.
5.
Put a , between loony and handing.
6.In paragraph two, After: A purple unicorn; put , instead of ., so then it won't sound so choppy.
7.
Put a . instead of a ,.
8.
Put a , between did and he.
9.
Put a , between otherwise and judging.
10.
Replace , with a ., take out but and make a new sentence.
11.
Put a , between mind and I'd.
12.
Put a , between did and Proteans.
13.
Replace the . with a ,.
14.
Put a , between him and but.
15.
Make anyway anyways and add a , between anyway and picking.
16.
Take out and, then make a new sentence.
17.
Put a , between it and he.
18.
Put a , between agony and he.
19.
And a . and make a new sentence.
20.
Put a , between the two.
21.
The two parts of this sentence seemed, forced together. Try rewriting it if you could. A suggestion from me would be. After laying there for hours, he woke up to a surprise welcome.
22.
Put a , between the two.
23.
This need some redoing. I'll leave that to you though.
24.
Put a , between the two.
25.
Capitalize the.
26.
Period at the end, and try to sum this up a bit please. Make it a couple sentences, make sure to get rid of unnecessary words.
Well that's all. Good job. You have less mistakes, which is really good.
Sorry if anyone's wanting the next chapter I've got up to chapter 4 writing wise but my editors kinda vamooshed and I haven't got round to finding a new one yet so yeah... If anyone here is an editor and feels like editing a crime against mlp in general then msg me or if you know someone who's an editor or you just wanna chat or send me hate :D