Ponies in Black

by ThunderChaserCreate

When a Team is Meat

Alright, alright, so... I may have lied on the tin.

I mean, what kind of story would this be with all of that crap in it?

Crap.

This story might not end up having any of that stuff in it. It also has little to nothing to do with the cult classic 'Ponies in black.'
Believe me when I say, I wish it did.

But... it just doesn't.

Truth is, we aren't even really that cool.

You wanna know what we do?

We sell insurance.

We're just... we're just super sneaky about it.

Me, for instance?

I moonlight as a DJ. I invite stallions (and sometimes mares. I happen to swing both ways, you know) home, then pick their pockets while they're asleep. Show up at their house the next day all cleaned up, and sell 'em insurance. It's like they can't say no!

Well, anyway... this is the story of how our little insurance company turned into something else.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what you wanted me to say, right?

Nope.

Actually, it's the story of how our team lost a member, and our rabid search for a replacement.

Then... maybe I'll throw in an adventure.

We'll have to see how this goes.

Only thing you should know: the company is called 'Agent Letter.'

Oh.

There's that 'Ponies in Black' reference.

~~~~~

"It was a steamy hot day in Canterlot. The air was so thick, if you shot an arrow into, it'd have stuck right there for you to pick it out. If you'd cracked an egg on the sidewalk, you'd have sunny-side up in seconds. In all honesty, most ponies would have preferred sleeping on the sun. Also... it was hot," I muttered in my very best hard-boiled detective voice.

Carrot heaved a great sigh, throwing her head back. "Vinyl, you have got to be the most aggravating pony of this millennium."

"Gotta be the most aggravating pony--" I repeated in a high-pitched, mocking tone. "What do you want me to do?"

"Anything. Anything but that."

I scoffed. "Jeez. Well, you know, I'm sick and tired of your big words."

"Like what?" Carrot turned to look at me, daring me to respond.

"Like 'millennium.' The hell kinda word is that?" I spat, messing around with the papers in front of me.

"A normal one." Carrot frowned. "How stupid are you? You know what it means, right?"

"Uh..." I waved my hoof in the air, as though attempting to draw the answer out of it. "Like.... a long time!"

"A thousand years. As in, 'Luna was trapped on the moon for--'"

"A millenniums. I get it. It's still a long time!" I pointed out, not wanting to lose an argument to Carrot Top, of all ponies.

"Actually, it's 'a millennium.' Plural would be 'millennia,'" Carrot corrected me.

I wave her off. "Yeah, yeah."

Carrot shook her head, returning to her work.

It really was hot that day, I wasn't exaggerating. I mean, maybe I was exaggerating, but that's kind of the point when you're pretending to be a hard-boiled detective. It was humid and sticky outside, the kind that makes it hard to catch your breath. And damn it was hot!

I grabbed a few papers in my blue magic, using them to fan my face. "For cripe's sake, when is Fancy coming back with the mechanic? I can't deal with this for much longer..."

"Well, you're going to have to push through. Even after the proper pony arrives, there's no telling how long it will take for the repaired system to sense the correct temperature and begin functioning once more."

Did I tell you how Carrot scams ponies into buying insurance?

She uses big words that the average bear can't muddle through, and even when she explains what absolute crap our insurance is, it sounds fantastic and trustworthy.

"Oh, I do hope he comes back soon..." came a lilting (and annoying) voice from the hall. "I tell you, I practically passed out just from walking down the hall."

"Yeah, right." I shook my head, turning away from the entrance as the princess arrived.

Her name was Fleur Dis Lee. She was tall, thin, sexy, white, and the biggest drama queen this world has ever seen.

She seduced her victims into buying insurance.

She also had a Bittish accent. Which was totally faked. She was from Prance, actually, but the Prench accent was hard for some ponies to understand properly. So she 're-branded herself.' Celestia only knows what that's supposed to mean.

Fleur cam stumbling into view, clinging desperately to the wall and making small sounds of despair. "When my husband does return, he shall surely save me."

"Fleur? What the hell are you doing?" I asked. She was a drama queen, yes, but this was far beyond her average issues.

Fleur scoffed, stopping the charade right there. "Trying something new. I call it... 'Damsel... in Distress,'" she explained, striking a pose.

"Not in here, okay?" Carrot complained. "Some ponies like to get a little work done at the office."

"Yeah... also, you gotta drop the husband angle. Not working for me. And I fall for everything," I added, grinning stupidly.

Fleur nodded. "Okay. Okay, I can see that. How's this, then?" Fleur struck another pose, this time looking lonely and helpless. "Please. I need... a strong hoof." She stretched up a shaking foreleg, reaching for a non-existent savior.

"Mm..." I considered the performance. "Nah. Still not doing it for me. Stick to the bedroom eyes."

Fleur nodded.

"Darling, you need to fix that alfalfa shticking up back here, it ruins your look," a heavily accented voice commented dryly. "Ponies are going to think you just rolled out of bed, you need to look like you vorked for it."

"You need to cut the Germaney accent," I shouted back. "Ponies are going to think you're Hoofler's unattractive sister." I snickered.

Photo Finish appeared from behind the door frame, her pink-tinted sunglasses making turning her face into that of a fly. "Vhat did you say to me?"

"I said you're ugly and you sound like a mad dictator," I repeated, slightly more offensively.

Photo snorted. "And who has sold more insurance shchemes? Don't forget, I made a big one to Flootershy, that, er... element of harmony?"

That was another thing about us. We kept a running tally of all the packages we had ever sold, and used it as a chain of command, if you will. Right now, Fancy Pants was in the lead because of his connections. He had sold a few, but the cash totaled way over any of ours.

Speaking of, Photo made her cash by turning her clients into 'stars' that nopony actually cared about, then convinced them that they had enough money to purchase the biggest insurance package she sold.

Then dumped 'em a few days later.

"Yeah, yeah... but, hey, I'm gonna seal a big deal in... oh jeez!" I caught sight of the clock. "Two minutes!"

Photo Finish let out a victorious laugh. "See who vins now!"

I grabbed my suit off the back of the chair, trying to tame my mane as I rushed through the halls.

Of course, in this place, nothing is ever going to take you as long as you think it will. The Flower Mares (that's Roseluck, Lily Valley, and Daisy) were crowded in the hall around something on the floor.

"Um.. hey, excuse me ladies!" I shouted, but they didn't seem to be able to hear me over their own raucous chatter.

These girls were so worrisome they practically had 'disaster' catch-phrases. The reason we don't take them to seriously is the 'disaster' is, most often, a spilled glass of juice or a lost mane accessory. They sold their packages as a team, convincing their clients that, if they didn't buy it, they would surely go bankrupt and/or die.

"What a calamity!" shouted Lily.

"A Travesty!" added Roseluck.

"DEATH IS INEVITABLE!" Daisy screamed before keeling over.

"What? What?" I asked.

Lily turned to me with tears in her eyes. "We found a dead cockroach on the stairs!"

I tried not to laugh. "S-sure. Any chance I could squeeze past you, there?"

"CALL AN EXTERMINATOR!" Daisy shrieked, still laying on the ground.

"I... don't think that's necessary..." I muttered, still chuckling to myself as I sucked in my breath and pushed past them. That was another thing about them. They always smelled like fake flowers.

I continued my way out, galloping down the stairs. I flew down the first two flights, when suddenly my hoof came out from under me. I slipped my way down the next flight, then face-planted on the landing.

A bout of neurotic giggling echoed down the stair well. "Awesome!"

"Berry, I swear to Celestia..." I muttered, rolling onto my hooves.

The next member of our team was Berry Punch. She had convinced all the world that she was a hopeless drunk, and used it to her advantage. She was actually a genius, but nopony knew that. She got ponies to buy her insurance by getting close to them, convincing them that they were in trouble, then sending a mail-in insurance package to their door.

They always filled it out.

"Man, that was better than I thought it was gonna be..." she murmured, still chortling to herself.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, searching myself for bruises.

"Oh, new idea: I thought I could spill some stuff on somepony's porch. Slip-n-fall insurance. That's a big one, especially for seniors. Beauty is, I don't even have to do it to them! Just some putz down the street!" Berry laughed.

"Yeah. Great. Would you stop testing out your bizarre new tactics on me?"

Berry shrugged. "Sorry, Scratch."

"You don't sound sorry..." I commented under my breath, limping down the next flight.

Again, as usual, I couldn't get three steps without being interrupted.

"Vinyl! Vinyl!" Octavia appeared, sticking her head out of the door. "Come in here, you need to see this."

"Oh, what now?" I asked. "I'm trying to close the deal with this idiotic Earth Pony!"

Octavia grimaced. "The idiotic Earth Pony can wait for you."

I whined a bit, but let Octavia drag me inside. Honestly, she was the best thing to come out of my involvement with the company. She was my best friend. She was also Bittish. For reals.

She and Lyra were an insurance team. They actually hypnotized ponies with music, if you can believe that. It sounds super illegal, now that I think about it, but... you know. We weren't exactly kosher of groups.

Inside sat the last two ponies on our team: Derpy and Bon-Bon.

Derpy got ponies to buy her package by telling getting them to think that they were donating to some kind of foundation that gives muffins to mental patients. The wall eyes made it extra convincing.

Then there was Bon-Bon. She just sold stuff like normal.

Not surprisingly, she was dead last when it came to the chain of command.

"Guys, I can't do this now. I gotta--"

"One sec, one sec." Lyra waved me off, starting to play her Lyre.

Octavia mimed putting my hooves in my ears, then picked up her bow and started to play, as well.

The music seemed to take Bon-Bon and Derpy, who looked at each other with un-focused eyes.

And they leaned in and kissed each other.

Lyra stopped playing in a fit of laughter.

"Great! Hilarious! I have to go!" I screamed, still keeping my hooves in my ears.

Octavia dropped her bow.

Derpy and Bon-Bon looked really confused.

"Fine. Go, party-pooper!" Lyra yelled at me.

I took my hooves out of my ears. "You know, normally I'd be happy to laugh at your enforced make-out session here, but this is super important. If I close this deal, I beat Fancy Pants! I'm in the lead!"

"Why didn't you say so?" Octavia asked.

"I just did!" I said.

"Go! Fly away!" Lyra joked, flapping her hooves like wings. "Seal the deal, Scratch!"

I sighed, rolled my eyes, and left.

But... even with the rest of our team out and about, I couldn't seem to make it out the door.

Time Turner appeared at the front door, his face pressed against the glass, trying to get in by throwing his entire weight against the door.

"It's pull, genius!" I yelled to him.

he stopped, backing away a few steps, and puled the door open with ease. "Vinyl! Oh, you gotta do something!"

"What?" I asked.

Time Turner was an intern. He was dorky, pathetic, and followed the current company president around like a lost puppy.

"Fancy Pants... he..." He was panting hard.

"Did you... run here? What the hell is wrong with you? Spit it out!" I grabbed his cheeks, holding his face at eye-level.

"Fancy..."

"Fancy Pants. Got that."

"Hit..."

"He hit you? Did you deserve it?"

"Pony..."

"Hit... pony? Wait, a hitpony?" I asked. "You mean Fancy Pants is a hitpony?"

He shook his head. "A... hitpony..."

"For Celestia's sake, SPEAK!" I admit, I slapped him across the face at some point. I think it was right here.

"A hitpony got Fancy Pants!" he blurted.

I dropped him on the ground, looking back at the building. "You mean... he's dead?"

He nodded.

"Holy..." I ran back inside. "Time Turner! Let's go!"

I heard his hoofbeats after me as I galloped up the stairs. As I passed each pony, they saw the look of distress on my face, tagging along right behind. When we reached the top floor, I gathered everypony around my desk.

"What's going on, Vinyl?" Octavia asked.

"Yeah... is everything alright?" Berry added.

The Flower Mares were panicking privately, sharing their own ideas as to what had happened until I cleared my throat.

A hush fell over the group.

"Guys, uh..." I started. I cleared my throat. "Fancy Pants is dead."

There was a collective gasp.

"How?" Carrot Top demanded.

I looked over to Time Turner.

He gulped loudly. "A h-hitpony got him..." he stuttered. "It was definitely a trained hitpoy, it wasn't some kind of mistake or something..."

There was a heavy silence.

"So..." I began. "I, uh... I'm in charge now. I was right behind Fancy when it comes to sales. And... I say the first thing we gotta do is replace him."

The crowd erupted into argument. Some thought we should wait, show some respect, while others argued my side.

I held up a hoof to silence them.

"Look, Fancy was in charge for a long time."

Lyra scoffed. "Try 'always in charge.' The whole time I've worked here, I've never seen another pony in charge."

"Yeah, and he never let anypony into his office!" Bon-Bon added.

"He vas acting awfully shtrange..." Photo commented.

"Yes, in all my life I've never seen him do something so petty and small!" Fleur pointed out.

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Offering to go get the handypony, of course," Fleur explained. "I mean, really, he wouldn't even go run errands. Why should he bring a handypony to the office?"

"Hm..." I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "Well, in that case, I guess the first thing we should do is check his office."

Before I could even get up, the group was out of the room, galloping full-speed up the stairs. I followed as quickly as possible, shoving myself between the ponies and the door.

"Hold up!" I shouted, silencing them. "We gotta think about this."

"What's there to think about?" Derpy asked. "You're in charge! That office is yours now!"

"That's... that's not what I meant." I kicked at the ground with one hoof. "Look, guys. All we've ever done is compete with each other trying to get to the top."

"Vinyl, that's... that's what we do. Do you expect us to change?" Octavia asked.

"I know. I know that, on the surface, we all act like sleazy con ponies, but..."

"Just open the damn door. Talk about your feelings later," Berry threatened.

I grimaced. "Okay, fine."

I rested hoof on the handle, gathering the courage to go inside. I finally pushed the door open, walking into a room so hot it may as well have been a sauna.

"Holy horseapples!" Carrot Top choked on the heat.

"Okay... what are we looking for?" I wondered to myself.

"Hey..." Time Turner murmured. "Hey! Look at that!" He pointed to the AC unit.

"What?' I asked.

"Look..." He walked over to it, pulling the device off the wall.

The group shouted warnings at him, but once the front was off a whole file cabinet worth of papers tumbled onto the floor.

"What in the..." I knelt down, sweeping up huge chunks of paper and putting them on the desk.

Fleur made a small sound of worry.

"What is it?"

She made the sound again. "This doesn't seem right... I think... I think he knew he was going to die."

I dropped the papers I was holding. "What?"

"Well, he invented the air conditioning malfunction, then insisted on going out to fix the problem himself."

"So?" I asked. "I think you're reading too much into this."

"So?" Fleur repeated. "So, have you looked at these papers?"

I gave her an odd look, then grabbed a paper off the desk. "Police reports..."

"Police reports, yes. Also, phone records, purchase records--" She grabbed a piece of paper. "A wanted poster?"

"Oh, my--" I grabbed the paper from her, then held it up to the group.

Roseluck gasped. "Fancy Pants?"

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!" Daisy screamed.

I frowned at her. "Well... no, but it looks like there was a lot we didn't know about our dear leader..."

"Zis is too much exshitement for one day. I'm going home!" Photo suggested, turning to leave.

"No, no!" I grabbed her shoulder. "This is important. He wanted us to find this. We're all pretty smart. I think he wants us to figure this out."

"Figure what out?" Lyra asked.

"I don't know, that's why we have to figure it out, genius," I spat. I sighed. "Okay, look. As I was saying before we came in here (although it's probably more relevant now), we've got some serious issues here."

The group stared back at me.

Pep talk time.

"Look, we've never been much of a team, no matter how much we tried to pretend we were. We were always at each other's throats, fighting, competing..." I trailed off.

"Vinyl, I appreciate the effort, but... you were right. We're all just sleazy con ponies," Carrot Top said. "Except Bon-Bon."

The group nodded.

I took a deep breath. "Okay. When... when is a team only... meat?" I asked.

Silence.

"When it looks in the mirror!"

More silence.

"Sorry, what?" Octavia asked.

"Get? 'Meat' is 'team--' Never mind. Look, the point is, all you guys are doing is looking at yourselves on the surface, right? You're seeing what everypony else sees."

Still silence.

"'Meat' isn't 'team' backwards, if that was--"

"Shut up, Carrot. Look, my point is we all have talent. That talent may lie in bizarre and mostly useless areas, but we've all got it!"

A couple ponies nodded.

"Right! Well, obviously, something awful has happened to Fancy Pants, but we're gonna need some help to figure out why."

"Like, why we care?" Berry sniggered.

"We care because we were all friends!" I shouted. "Like it or not, we... are all friends here. And we gotta do what we gotta do."

"And... we gotta solve Fancy's murder?" Derpy suggested.

"Yeah!" I agreed.

"Yeah?" Time Turner repeated.

"There an echo in here? Yes!"

Still silence.

"What is up with you guys? You don't have an opinion at all?"

Octavia cleared her throat. "I think we should do it."

Fleur started nodding. "Yes. Yes, I agree."

"Okay. That's the next two top sales teams. Who else is staying with us?"

The rest of the hooves went up in the air. Except Carrot Top's.

"Carrot?"

"I'm sorry, I can't get over the whole 'meat'-'team' thing."

"Oh, my-- yes, that was a mistake. You helping with this, or what?" I asked.

The yellow earth pony paused, mulling it over. "Yeah. Who knows? Could be fun."

"Great. Everypony get to work-- we gotta find a find a new employee." I trotted to the door, holding it open for the group to filter out.

After they had gone, I gathered up the papers. It was gonna be a while, looking through these. At least the air conditioning was up-and-running again.

And... I had missed my appointment.

Off to a great start.

Comments

[Szalhi]

Background ponies at it's finest

[The Letter J]

With a start like this, how can this story not be good? I will watch with interest.

[Sollace]

*gets popcorn*

--Sollace

[ThunderChaserCreate]

4824102
Working on a new chapter as we speak.

[Sollace]

4824104
Yay!

[POPCORN EATING INTENSIFIES]

--Sollace