Alright, alright, so... I may have lied on the tin.
I mean, what kind of story would this be with all of that crap in it?
Crap.
This story might not end up having any of that stuff in it. It also has little to nothing to do with the cult classic 'Ponies in black.'
Believe me when I say, I wish it did.
But... it just doesn't.
Truth is, we aren't even really that cool.
You wanna know what we do?
We sell insurance.
We're just... we're just super sneaky about it.
Me, for instance?
I moonlight as a DJ. I invite stallions (and sometimes mares. I happen to swing both ways, you know) home, then pick their pockets while they're asleep. Show up at their house the next day all cleaned up, and sell 'em insurance. It's like they can't say no!
Well, anyway... this is the story of how our little insurance company turned into something else.
Yeah. Yeah, that's what you wanted me to say, right?
Nope.
Actually, it's the story of how our team lost a member, and our rabid search for a replacement.
Then... maybe I'll throw in an adventure.
We'll have to see how this goes.
Only thing you should know: the company is called 'Agent Letter.'
Oh.
There's that 'Ponies in Black' reference.
"It was a steamy hot day in Canterlot. The air was so thick, if you shot an arrow into, it'd have stuck right there for you to pick it out. If you'd cracked an egg on the sidewalk, you'd have sunny-side up in seconds. In all honesty, most ponies would have preferred sleeping on the sun. Also... it was hot," I muttered in my very best hard-boiled detective voice.
Carrot heaved a great sigh, throwing her head back. "Vinyl, you have got to be the most aggravating pony of this millennium."
"Gotta be the most aggravating pony--" I repeated in a high-pitched, mocking tone. "What do you want me to do?"
"Anything. Anything but that."
I scoffed. "Jeez. Well, you know, I'm sick and tired of your big words."
"Like what?" Carrot turned to look at me, daring me to respond.
"Like 'millennium.' The hell kinda word is that?" I spat, messing around with the papers in front of me.
"A normal one." Carrot frowned. "How stupid are you? You know what it means, right?"
"Uh..." I waved my hoof in the air, as though attempting to draw the answer out of it. "Like.... a long time!"
"A thousand years. As in, 'Luna was trapped on the moon for--'"
"A millenniums. I get it. It's still a long time!" I pointed out, not wanting to lose an argument to Carrot Top, of all ponies.
"Actually, it's 'a millennium.' Plural would be 'millennia,'" Carrot corrected me.
I wave her off. "Yeah, yeah."
Carrot shook her head, returning to her work.
It really was hot that day, I wasn't exaggerating. I mean, maybe I was exaggerating, but that's kind of the point when you're pretending to be a hard-boiled detective. It was humid and sticky outside, the kind that makes it hard to catch your breath. And damn it was hot!
I grabbed a few papers in my blue magic, using them to fan my face. "For cripe's sake, when is Fancy coming back with the mechanic? I can't deal with this for much longer..."
"Well, you're going to have to push through. Even after the proper pony arrives, there's no telling how long it will take for the repaired system to sense the correct temperature and begin functioning once more."
Did I tell you how Carrot scams ponies into buying insurance?
She uses big words that the average bear can't muddle through, and even when she explains what absolute crap our insurance is, it sounds fantastic and trustworthy.
"Oh, I do hope he comes back soon..." came a lilting (and annoying) voice from the hall. "I tell you, I practically passed out just from walking down the hall."
"Yeah, right." I shook my head, turning away from the entrance as the princess arrived.
Her name was Fleur Dis Lee. She was tall, thin, sexy, white, and the biggest drama queen this world has ever seen.
She seduced her victims into buying insurance.
She also had a Bittish accent. Which was totally faked. She was from Prance, actually, but the Prench accent was hard for some ponies to understand properly. So she 're-branded herself.' Celestia only knows what that's supposed to mean.
Fleur cam stumbling into view, clinging desperately to the wall and making small sounds of despair. "When my husband does return, he shall surely save me."
"Fleur? What the hell are you doing?" I asked. She was a drama queen, yes, but this was far beyond her average issues.
Fleur scoffed, stopping the charade right there. "Trying something new. I call it... 'Damsel... in Distress,'" she explained, striking a pose.
"Not in here, okay?" Carrot complained. "Some ponies like to get a little work done at the office."
"Yeah... also, you gotta drop the husband angle. Not working for me. And I fall for everything," I added, grinning stupidly.
Fleur nodded. "Okay. Okay, I can see that. How's this, then?" Fleur struck another pose, this time looking lonely and helpless. "Please. I need... a strong hoof." She stretched up a shaking foreleg, reaching for a non-existent savior.
"Mm..." I considered the performance. "Nah. Still not doing it for me. Stick to the bedroom eyes."
Fleur nodded.
"Darling, you need to fix that alfalfa shticking up back here, it ruins your look," a heavily accented voice commented dryly. "Ponies are going to think you just rolled out of bed, you need to look like you vorked for it."
"You need to cut the Germaney accent," I shouted back. "Ponies are going to think you're Hoofler's unattractive sister." I snickered.
Photo Finish appeared from behind the door frame, her pink-tinted sunglasses making turning her face into that of a fly. "Vhat did you say to me?"
"I said you're ugly and you sound like a mad dictator," I repeated, slightly more offensively.
Photo snorted. "And who has sold more insurance shchemes? Don't forget, I made a big one to Flootershy, that, er... element of harmony?"
That was another thing about us. We kept a running tally of all the packages we had ever sold, and used it as a chain of command, if you will. Right now, Fancy Pants was in the lead because of his connections. He had sold a few, but the cash totaled way over any of ours.
Speaking of, Photo made her cash by turning her clients into 'stars' that nopony actually cared about, then convinced them that they had enough money to purchase the biggest insurance package she sold.
Then dumped 'em a few days later.
"Yeah, yeah... but, hey, I'm gonna seal a big deal in... oh jeez!" I caught sight of the clock. "Two minutes!"
Photo Finish let out a victorious laugh. "See who vins now!"
I grabbed my suit off the back of the chair, trying to tame my mane as I rushed through the halls.
Of course, in this place, nothing is ever going to take you as long as you think it will. The Flower Mares (that's Roseluck, Lily Valley, and Daisy) were crowded in the hall around something on the floor.
"Um.. hey, excuse me ladies!" I shouted, but they didn't seem to be able to hear me over their own raucous chatter.
These girls were so worrisome they practically had 'disaster' catch-phrases. The reason we don't take them to seriously is the 'disaster' is, most often, a spilled glass of juice or a lost mane accessory. They sold their packages as a team, convincing their clients that, if they didn't buy it, they would surely go bankrupt and/or die.
"What a calamity!" shouted Lily.
"A Travesty!" added Roseluck.
"DEATH IS INEVITABLE!" Daisy screamed before keeling over.
"What? What?" I asked.
Lily turned to me with tears in her eyes. "We found a dead cockroach on the stairs!"
I tried not to laugh. "S-sure. Any chance I could squeeze past you, there?"
"CALL AN EXTERMINATOR!" Daisy shrieked, still laying on the ground.
"I... don't think that's necessary..." I muttered, still chuckling to myself as I sucked in my breath and pushed past them. That was another thing about them. They always smelled like fake flowers.
I continued my way out, galloping down the stairs. I flew down the first two flights, when suddenly my hoof came out from under me. I slipped my way down the next flight, then face-planted on the landing.
A bout of neurotic giggling echoed down the stair well. "Awesome!"
"Berry, I swear to Celestia..." I muttered, rolling onto my hooves.
The next member of our team was Berry Punch. She had convinced all the world that she was a hopeless drunk, and used it to her advantage. She was actually a genius, but nopony knew that. She got ponies to buy her insurance by getting close to them, convincing them that they were in trouble, then sending a mail-in insurance package to their door.
They always filled it out.
"Man, that was better than I thought it was gonna be..." she murmured, still chortling to herself.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, searching myself for bruises.
"Oh, new idea: I thought I could spill some stuff on somepony's porch. Slip-n-fall insurance. That's a big one, especially for seniors. Beauty is, I don't even have to do it to them! Just some putz down the street!" Berry laughed.
"Yeah. Great. Would you stop testing out your bizarre new tactics on me?"
Berry shrugged. "Sorry, Scratch."
"You don't sound sorry..." I commented under my breath, limping down the next flight.
Again, as usual, I couldn't get three steps without being interrupted.
"Vinyl! Vinyl!" Octavia appeared, sticking her head out of the door. "Come in here, you need to see this."
"Oh, what now?" I asked. "I'm trying to close the deal with this idiotic Earth Pony!"
Octavia grimaced. "The idiotic Earth Pony can wait for you."
I whined a bit, but let Octavia drag me inside. Honestly, she was the best thing to come out of my involvement with the company. She was my best friend. She was also Bittish. For reals.
She and Lyra were an insurance team. They actually hypnotized ponies with music, if you can believe that. It sounds super illegal, now that I think about it, but... you know. We weren't exactly kosher of groups.
Inside sat the last two ponies on our team: Derpy and Bon-Bon.
Derpy got ponies to buy her package by telling getting them to think that they were donating to some kind of foundation that gives muffins to mental patients. The wall eyes made it extra convincing.
Then there was Bon-Bon. She just sold stuff like normal.
Not surprisingly, she was dead last when it came to the chain of command.
"Guys, I can't do this now. I gotta--"
"One sec, one sec." Lyra waved me off, starting to play her Lyre.
Octavia mimed putting my hooves in my ears, then picked up her bow and started to play, as well.
The music seemed to take Bon-Bon and Derpy, who looked at each other with un-focused eyes.
And they leaned in and kissed each other.
Lyra stopped playing in a fit of laughter.
"Great! Hilarious! I have to go!" I screamed, still keeping my hooves in my ears.
Octavia dropped her bow.
Derpy and Bon-Bon looked really confused.
"Fine. Go, party-pooper!" Lyra yelled at me.
I took my hooves out of my ears. "You know, normally I'd be happy to laugh at your enforced make-out session here, but this is super important. If I close this deal, I beat Fancy Pants! I'm in the lead!"
"Why didn't you say so?" Octavia asked.
"I just did!" I said.
"Go! Fly away!" Lyra joked, flapping her hooves like wings. "Seal the deal, Scratch!"
I sighed, rolled my eyes, and left.
But... even with the rest of our team out and about, I couldn't seem to make it out the door.
Time Turner appeared at the front door, his face pressed against the glass, trying to get in by throwing his entire weight against the door.
"It's pull, genius!" I yelled to him.
he stopped, backing away a few steps, and puled the door open with ease. "Vinyl! Oh, you gotta do something!"
"What?" I asked.
Time Turner was an intern. He was dorky, pathetic, and followed the current company president around like a lost puppy.
"Fancy Pants... he..." He was panting hard.
"Did you... run here? What the hell is wrong with you? Spit it out!" I grabbed his cheeks, holding his face at eye-level.
"Fancy..."
"Fancy Pants. Got that."
"Hit..."
"He hit you? Did you deserve it?"
"Pony..."
"Hit... pony? Wait, a hitpony?" I asked. "You mean Fancy Pants is a hitpony?"
He shook his head. "A... hitpony..."
"For Celestia's sake, SPEAK!" I admit, I slapped him across the face at some point. I think it was right here.
"A hitpony got Fancy Pants!" he blurted.
I dropped him on the ground, looking back at the building. "You mean... he's dead?"
He nodded.
"Holy..." I ran back inside. "Time Turner! Let's go!"
I heard his hoofbeats after me as I galloped up the stairs. As I passed each pony, they saw the look of distress on my face, tagging along right behind. When we reached the top floor, I gathered everypony around my desk.
"What's going on, Vinyl?" Octavia asked.
"Yeah... is everything alright?" Berry added.
The Flower Mares were panicking privately, sharing their own ideas as to what had happened until I cleared my throat.
A hush fell over the group.
"Guys, uh..." I started. I cleared my throat. "Fancy Pants is dead."
There was a collective gasp.
"How?" Carrot Top demanded.
I looked over to Time Turner.
He gulped loudly. "A h-hitpony got him..." he stuttered. "It was definitely a trained hitpoy, it wasn't some kind of mistake or something..."
There was a heavy silence.
"So..." I began. "I, uh... I'm in charge now. I was right behind Fancy when it comes to sales. And... I say the first thing we gotta do is replace him."
The crowd erupted into argument. Some thought we should wait, show some respect, while others argued my side.
I held up a hoof to silence them.
"Look, Fancy was in charge for a long time."
Lyra scoffed. "Try 'always in charge.' The whole time I've worked here, I've never seen another pony in charge."
"Yeah, and he never let anypony into his office!" Bon-Bon added.
"He vas acting awfully shtrange..." Photo commented.
"Yes, in all my life I've never seen him do something so petty and small!" Fleur pointed out.
I narrowed my eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"Offering to go get the handypony, of course," Fleur explained. "I mean, really, he wouldn't even go run errands. Why should he bring a handypony to the office?"
"Hm..." I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "Well, in that case, I guess the first thing we should do is check his office."
Before I could even get up, the group was out of the room, galloping full-speed up the stairs. I followed as quickly as possible, shoving myself between the ponies and the door.
"Hold up!" I shouted, silencing them. "We gotta think about this."
"What's there to think about?" Derpy asked. "You're in charge! That office is yours now!"
"That's... that's not what I meant." I kicked at the ground with one hoof. "Look, guys. All we've ever done is compete with each other trying to get to the top."
"Vinyl, that's... that's what we do. Do you expect us to change?" Octavia asked.
"I know. I know that, on the surface, we all act like sleazy con ponies, but..."
"Just open the damn door. Talk about your feelings later," Berry threatened.
I grimaced. "Okay, fine."
I rested hoof on the handle, gathering the courage to go inside. I finally pushed the door open, walking into a room so hot it may as well have been a sauna.
"Holy horseapples!" Carrot Top choked on the heat.
"Okay... what are we looking for?" I wondered to myself.
"Hey..." Time Turner murmured. "Hey! Look at that!" He pointed to the AC unit.
"What?' I asked.
"Look..." He walked over to it, pulling the device off the wall.
The group shouted warnings at him, but once the front was off a whole file cabinet worth of papers tumbled onto the floor.
"What in the..." I knelt down, sweeping up huge chunks of paper and putting them on the desk.
Fleur made a small sound of worry.
"What is it?"
She made the sound again. "This doesn't seem right... I think... I think he knew he was going to die."
I dropped the papers I was holding. "What?"
"Well, he invented the air conditioning malfunction, then insisted on going out to fix the problem himself."
"So?" I asked. "I think you're reading too much into this."
"So?" Fleur repeated. "So, have you looked at these papers?"
I gave her an odd look, then grabbed a paper off the desk. "Police reports..."
"Police reports, yes. Also, phone records, purchase records--" She grabbed a piece of paper. "A wanted poster?"
"Oh, my--" I grabbed the paper from her, then held it up to the group.
Roseluck gasped. "Fancy Pants?"
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!" Daisy screamed.
I frowned at her. "Well... no, but it looks like there was a lot we didn't know about our dear leader..."
"Zis is too much exshitement for one day. I'm going home!" Photo suggested, turning to leave.
"No, no!" I grabbed her shoulder. "This is important. He wanted us to find this. We're all pretty smart. I think he wants us to figure this out."
"Figure what out?" Lyra asked.
"I don't know, that's why we have to figure it out, genius," I spat. I sighed. "Okay, look. As I was saying before we came in here (although it's probably more relevant now), we've got some serious issues here."
The group stared back at me.
Pep talk time.
"Look, we've never been much of a team, no matter how much we tried to pretend we were. We were always at each other's throats, fighting, competing..." I trailed off.
"Vinyl, I appreciate the effort, but... you were right. We're all just sleazy con ponies," Carrot Top said. "Except Bon-Bon."
The group nodded.
I took a deep breath. "Okay. When... when is a team only... meat?" I asked.
Silence.
"When it looks in the mirror!"
More silence.
"Sorry, what?" Octavia asked.
"Get? 'Meat' is 'team--' Never mind. Look, the point is, all you guys are doing is looking at yourselves on the surface, right? You're seeing what everypony else sees."
Still silence.
"'Meat' isn't 'team' backwards, if that was--"
"Shut up, Carrot. Look, my point is we all have talent. That talent may lie in bizarre and mostly useless areas, but we've all got it!"
A couple ponies nodded.
"Right! Well, obviously, something awful has happened to Fancy Pants, but we're gonna need some help to figure out why."
"Like, why we care?" Berry sniggered.
"We care because we were all friends!" I shouted. "Like it or not, we... are all friends here. And we gotta do what we gotta do."
"And... we gotta solve Fancy's murder?" Derpy suggested.
"Yeah!" I agreed.
"Yeah?" Time Turner repeated.
"There an echo in here? Yes!"
Still silence.
"What is up with you guys? You don't have an opinion at all?"
Octavia cleared her throat. "I think we should do it."
Fleur started nodding. "Yes. Yes, I agree."
"Okay. That's the next two top sales teams. Who else is staying with us?"
The rest of the hooves went up in the air. Except Carrot Top's.
"Carrot?"
"I'm sorry, I can't get over the whole 'meat'-'team' thing."
"Oh, my-- yes, that was a mistake. You helping with this, or what?" I asked.
The yellow earth pony paused, mulling it over. "Yeah. Who knows? Could be fun."
"Great. Everypony get to work-- we gotta find a find a new employee." I trotted to the door, holding it open for the group to filter out.
After they had gone, I gathered up the papers. It was gonna be a while, looking through these. At least the air conditioning was up-and-running again.
And... I had missed my appointment.
Off to a great start.
"Okay. First order of business-- Fleur, stop that."
Fleur stared up at me with disdain. "Stop doing what?" She flipped her mane behind her ear, patting it down with one hoof while holding a mirror with her magic.
"That. Fooling with your mane. It's gorgeous and perfect, and you're super distracting. So, if you could just..." I hesitated. "Stop."
Fleur sighed, putting her mirror down.
"Great. Okay, so... let's talk about this. The first thing we need to do is find a new member..." I scribbled this on the white board behind me. "Okay? Somepony with some talent, somepony clever and helpful. Or useful. Either's fine, really." I set down the marker.
"Any ideas?"
Time Turner's hoof shot up.
I scoffed. "Don't joke around, Turner."
Turner frowned. "I have ideas, too!"
"Fine, fine." I waved my hoof. "Go ahead."
"Well... I have this cousin... she's a unicorn, and she's got time magic."
"Time magic? What the hell does that mean?" I asked.
"Um..." Turner rubbed the back of his head. "Well, she can go back in time and watch stuff from, like, twenty-four hours back."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Great, get her on the phone. Tavi and Lyra!" I moved my focus as Turner scuttled off. "We need to start making money in new ways, okay? From now on, our primary focus is figuring out what happened to Fancy and why. You guys are gonna start hiring yourselves out for parties and stuff."
"We are?" Octavia repeated.
"Yeah. You can... you know, play music and hypnotize ponies. For money."
Lyra shrugged. "That sounds like us!" she said optimistically.
"Great. Start printing up flyers and stuff." I sent them off, moving to my next victim. "Er... Carrot!"
"What?" she asked dryly.
"You're writing a book, I need you to start getting that ready for publishing," I ordered. I meant it to be a suggestion, but... I think this power stuff was starting to go to my head.
"How did you--"
"Doesn't matter." I tried to continue, but all that came out was "I snooped in your desk."
Carrot grimaced, but nodded. "Sure. I can do that."
"Awesome! Who's next, who's next... Fleur and Photo! A match made in heaven. You guys are going to become a modelling-slash-photography team! Sound good?"
"Oh! I have always dreamed of putting you in shparkles!" Photo exclaimed, grabbing Fleur by the cheeks.
"Um... sure. I don't see why not." Fleur agreed, her voice warped by the pressure on her cheeks.
"Fantastic! You guys go do your thing. Uh... who's left?" I looked up from my paper. "Berry Punch!"
Berry jerked out of a nap. "Whazzat?"
"Go to a bar and start asking drunk ponies about Fancy Pants."
Berry pumped her hoof in triumph and trotted off.
"Cool. Derpy... start baking muffins. Start a door-to-door business."
Derpy narrowed her eyes. "What happened to selling insurance? Why's stuff gotta change?"
"Well, number one, we need to find a more reliable, less illegal way of making money. I mean, most ponies have insurance by now. Number two, Fancy somehow got himself in serious trouble, and I have a feeling it had something to do with this business. If somepony else winds up getting hurt or killed..."
"You'll feel really bad?" Derpy suggested.
"I'll have more replacing to do, and I'm just not up for that. Better stick to honest work. Like selling muffins! Like a Filly Scout!"
"They sell cookies.."
"Close enough! Bon-Bon?"
Bon-Bon looked up at me. "Yup?"
"Budget. You are now the company's private accountant. Go look at numbers or something," I told her.
"Do I get paid?" Bon-Bon asked.
I was about to say yes, but paused. "We'll see."
Bon-Bon looked slightly disappointed, but went to do something anyway.
"Okay... Flower Mares..." I looked at the group of hair-trigger ponies before me. "Well... sell flowers and try not to freak anypony out too bad."
"We can probably handle that!" Rose told me.
"Great! Do your best!" I responded, not so sure.
As soon as they were gone, I let out a sigh of relief. It was hard being everypony's cheerleader. I took the moment to relax, try to turn back into my normal self.
"Hey! Vinyl!" Turner's voice screamed form down the hall.
"Ugh..." I smacked my forehead on the podium. "What?"
Turner appeared at the door, panting hard. "She'll take it!"
"The job?"
"Yeah!"
I nodded. "Okay! Good work!"
Turner smiled, then trotted off happily.
Time Turner was... a sad little stallion. he couldn't do anything with ponies watching, and he couldn't do much more when he was alone. he was in intern, and he really lived up to the cliche. Had he ever actually tried to do something well, he may have gotten by. But... he just couldn't try with us watching him.
I sighed. I couldn't believe I was about to do this. "Hey, Turner?"
He returned instantly. "Yeah, boss?"
"Yeah, uh... why can't you do time magic?" I asked. I was serious, but I knew he was going to take this the wrong way.
He scoffed. "Well, duh. I'm not a unicorn."
"No I mean... like, what can you do? If you don't have time magic..." I muttered. "What's your talent?"
He sighed. "You really wanna know?"
"Yeah."
"I'm... always late." He forced a grin.
I laughed. "Really?"
"Yep..."
I laughed some more.
"Okay, it's getting offensive now."
"Sorry." I took some deep breaths. "Get back to work."
"D-doing what?"
"I don't know. Go clean the windows." I shooed him. "Go!"
Turner buzzed out of the room, his short tail bouncing behind him. He had energy, I'd give him that, but... he was just too dopey to actually accomplish anything.
Unlike his cousin.
Who showed up right then.
"Dear, Celestia! Will I ever get a chance to rest? Hasn't even been a day, and I swear..." I stepped down from the podium, walking across the room to meet the new pony. "Who are you?"
"Minuette, reporting for duty!" she shouted, saluting at me.
"Oh... kay... um, let's try this again-- who are you?"
"I'm Time Turner's cousin! He told me you needed some help so... here I am!" She grinned. here teeth were... blinding.
"Yeah-- where did you come from? How did you get here so fast?" I asked, looking behind her as though the answer was clinging to her back leg.
"Oh, from a few blocks away. I was just giving somepony a root canal! Could totally drop everything and head over here."
I narrowed my eyes. "Sure."
Minuette grinned harder.
"You're freaking me out."
Minuette laughed. "You're delightful!"
"Delightful... right. Well, look, come up to my office and I can--"
"Wait!" she shouted.
I stopped to look back at her. "What?"
"I don't know your name, boss!"
I scoffed. "Uh... It's Vinyl Scratch."
Minuette trotted up to my face, resting the tip of her hoof on my snout. "Vinyl... Scratch!"
I stared her in the eye. "Yep."
Minuette giggled. "This is marvelous! I am so ready to help you guys out! Let's get started!"
I watched as she left, trying to pin this pony down. She had a powder blue coat and a cutie mark exactly matching her cousin. Her mane... her mane actually bore the resemblance of toothpaste, very smooth white with and almost glittery dark blue stripe.
"Hmph." I cantered to catch up, falling into step beside her. "So... what do you do?"
"I'm a dentist!" She smiled wide again, showing off her pearly whites.
"Right. And, uh... and you just felt like dropping everything to help us out?"
"It's like I always say!" Minuette grinned.
I waited for the cliche.
"What?"
"Hm?"
"What is it you always say?" I asked.
"Oh, right! 'Don't count your chickies before they pop out!'"
I thought about that for a second. "That... th-that doesn't..." I sighed. "Alright, this is your office."
I gestured to a nearby door.
"Ooh!" Minuette squealed, running at the door and throwing it open. "Wow! My very own office!"
"Didn't you have your own office when you were a dentist?" I asked.
Minuette laughed. "Of course not!"
"Uh--"
"This is wonderful! I love it so much!" She bounded over to the desk, making herself comfortable at the beat-up swivel chair behind it. "What's my first job? What should I do? Go on, tell me!"
"Gosh, um..." I rubbed the back of my head, trying to think of something for her to do. "Why don't you go clean the windows with your cousin?"
"Sounds great, boss!" Minuette jumped up, flying out of the room and up the stairs.
"Whew..." Lyra peered into the office, where I still stood, dumbfounded. "Uh... is she the new employee?"
"Yeah, I'm kinda starting to rethink this..." I muttered.
"No kidding. How does one pony have that much energy?" Lyra wondered, staring at the spot where she had rounded a corner and disappeared.
I sighed, holding a hoof to my head. "Alright, I'm gonna head upstairs and start going over those papers."
"Sounds good." Lyra nodded. "But, hey-- aren't you gonna use her magic? I thought you brought her in so you could watch Fancy's... you know..." She mimicked a gun cocking, then firing.
"Right. Honestly, I don't know if I can get her under control enough to do that just yet..."
Lyra arched her eyebrows. "Well, you'd better get crackin' 'boss.' Turner said she can only go back twenty-four hours."
"Oh, Celestia..." I held my head with both hooves. "This is already spinning out of control... it's only been, like, twelve hours!"
"Yeah. Which gives you twelve more hours to get Minuette to take you back."
"Lyra." I grabbed my friend by the shoulders. "Lyra, she's nuts! I spent all of a minute with her, and I feel like I'm going to die!"
"I... saw."
"We need to get somepony else on this! I can't handle the stress!" I waved my hooves in the air.
"Okay! Okay, we'll get somepony else to tag along with her and get her relaxed." Lyra pushed me away, adding a pat on the head for good measure.
"Great. I can't handle this, not yet."
"Well, you'd better pony up to the plate, Scratch. You're the company president, and--"
"I know!" I shouted. "I... I know. I swear, if anypony else reminds me of that, I'll--"
"All done, Ms. Company President!" called an overly happy voice.
I turned to see Time Turner, smiling wide with his cousin right beside him.
"You!" I screamed.
He jumped, then quailed from me.
"My office!"
He bit his lip, following me with his head hung. We climbed the four flights in silence, and I finally got him in the little metal chair that faced my new desk.
"Turner... I have an assignment for you."
His face instantly brightened. "You do? Will I get paid?"
"Maybe. Depends on how good you do."
"Well."
"What?"
"How 'well' I do." Turner corrected me.
I glared at him. "Just lost thirty percent."
"Sorry." Turner squirmed in his seat. "What's the assignment?"
"You... you are going to get your insane cousin under control. I don't have time to get her focused enough. I have all these papers to go through..." I gestured to the mess of records we had pulled out of the AC unit. "But I need Minuette's magic to get some more info."
"Mm'kay." Turner nodded in understanding.
"Just... try to get her to relax, okay?" I rubbed my temple gently. "Please?"
"Sure thing, boss." He paused. "Are you okay?"
"Oh, fine. One of my friends died yesterday, I've been put in charge of his sleazy company, then a crazy pony arrives today to give me a migraine."
He blinked slowly.
"Also, I think my goldfish died. The bowl smells and he's really still."
Turner frowned, nodding slowly. "Yeah..." he drew the word out. "If you gotta cry, you should just let it out."
"I'd love to, but I just don't have the time. Plus, I think my brain is squeezing to hard. It cut off my tear ducts," I explained.
"Right. Well, I'll, uh... I'll leave you to it then." He faked a wide smile.
"Don't do that. You look like her."
He bit his lips together. " 'Kay."
"Go away."
" 'Kay."
As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, I smacked my face on the desk. I was being serious about the brain thing, I felt like my head was going to implode. I slammed it against the wood a few more times. hoping to make it loosen up a bit.
After heaving a great sigh, I started flipping through the papers. I sorted them into several piles, trying to make some kind of sense out of the raw numbers.
The phone records were pretty bare-bones, as well, just a list of who Fancy called and for how long.
After about an hour, somepony else made an appearance.
"Tavi?"
"Yeah, I came to check on you! Can I come in?" she called through the door.
I let out a short groan.
"Take that as a yes..." she responded, letting herself in. "So, how are you?"
"Great, yeah. I've been staring at these numbers for an hour,and I'm still no closer to figuring out who killed Fancy!" I threw the phone records in the air, letting them flutter down around Octavia. "How's Fleur?"
Octavia narrowed her eyes. "Fine. Why?"
"Well, he was her husband! I just thought she'd be torn up about it or something..."
She scoffed. "No. That was basically for money and appearances. She doesn't care about him. In fact, I'm pretty sure she cares less than you do!"
"Really? Man, we are disgusting..." I commented.
"Yes. We really are."
"Except Bon-Bon," we said in unison.
We laughed a bit.
"Hey, that, uh..." Octavia searched for the name. "Minuette?"
I nodded.
"Whew... she's a hoof-full alright."
"Yeah?"
"She cleaned all the windows on two floors in twenty minutes. Sparkling."
"Ugh..." I shook my head. "I can barely stand her. She's too... too... I don't know. Too everything. Too much of everything."
Octavia nodded, kicking her hoof at the floor.
"Oh, boy... can't believe I'm gonna do this, but... well, Turner isn't going to get anything done with her, is he?"
Octavia frowned, shaking her head.
"Celestia... okay! Looks like it's my turn!" I forced a smile. "Lucky me!"
I stood up, pushing past Octavia and trotting purposefully out the door. I headed up the rubber-coated stairs and right to the window that Minuette was cleaning.
"Hey! Boss Vinyl Scratch! What's going on, pal?" she asked, scrubbing the window at an impossible speed.
"Hey... look, we need your help, okay?"
"There is literally nothing I'd like to do more than help you and your employees-slash-friends!" Minuette agreed, zipping over to the next window.
"Right. Hey, did Turner tell you what we need you for?"
"He said you guys needed a new employee! A hard worker!"
"Yes, but... we need you for something more, uh... specific," I told her. "See, the reason we needed someone new was..."
Minuette stared at me.
It was like staring into the sun.
"Eh..." I kept looking at her. "Hey, have you met Derpy?"
"I haven't had the pleasure! Where is Derpy? Can I talk to her now? I am very excited about this!" Minuette, although excitement was in her voice, remained almost perfectly still.
"Yes. Derpy's office is the first door at the top of that last flight of stairs." I pointed her down.
She was off like a bolt of lightning.
"I have... no regrets," I told myself, smiling a bit as i went back up to my office.
Octavia was still there.
"Hey, Tavi. Um... what're you doing?"
She held up a paper. "This isn't Fancy's phone number."
I scoffed. "No, that's it!" I pointed at the number about halfway down the page.
"Exactly! That's his number there! This is somepony else's record, and they called him four times in one day." She looked over the paper again. "For an hour."
I narrowed my eyes. "Are you serious? that sounds like something."
"It's more than something. If these are somepony else's records, it means Fancy stole them. From the police office."
I chuckled. "Not that that's too off par for us..."
"Har, har. The point is, something serious was going on here!" Octavia shouted. She tossed the paper behind her for emphasis, but wound up having to go get it. "What's our next move?"
"Next move?" I shuffled my hooves. "Er... take out? I'm starved."
"Vinyl..." Octavia threatened.
"Fine. I'll eat something healthy."
"Vinyl!"
"Alright! Message received. I gotta stop chickening out, here, and just go... do... that thing," I murmured. "Do I have to?"
"Yes. This is an almost pathetic lesson to learn, but yes. You're heading up the company now. You need to stop being a doormat."
"But I'm not a doormat! You saw me take charge in that meeting room!"
"Yeah! Because those ponies all knew you. They all knew what was expected of them, but as soon as somepony new appears you get all thrown off." Octavia waved her hooves, miming 'crazy.'
"Right..." I hung my head. "Man. Being company president sucks. No wonder Fancy always had a stick up his butt."
"Mm. Right, and when you're upset, don't hesitate to throw your predecessor under the bus!" Octavia commented.
I paused. "Wait, was that sarcastic, or--"
"Just go!" she ordered me.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Yeah."
"Yep. Go." Octavia shoved me out of the door, slamming it shut behind me.
I swallowed hard, then straightened myself up. I started back down the stairs, on my way to Derpy's office, where I had last sent Minuette.
I knocked on the door. "Minuette?" I called.
The door swung open immediately. "Hey! It's the greatest pony in Equestria!"
"Thanks," Derpy muttered sarcastically.
"Oh, you are the most wonderful pony in the country!" Minuette exclaimed.
I paused, trying to figure that one out. "Never mind. Look, as I was trying to say before, we need your help."
"Yes! A delightful task that I am more than ready to take on!" She beamed, her white teeth throwing me off.
"Right. Look, the reason we brought you in is... well, our old company president... erm... died."
"Oh!" Minuette covered her mouth in horror. "That's awful!"
"Yes. Well, he was, um... he was murdered. So we need to use your magic, go back in time, and watch what happened after Turner left the scene."
"Oh, my gosh..." Minuette kept a hoof over her mouth.
"What? What... what is it?"
"Is this a murder mystery?" she whispered.
"Um... yes. I guess it is."
"OH MY GOSH I AM SO READY FOR THIS WHEN DO WE START I AM SO EXCITED!" She screamed all in one breath.
I jumped back at her sudden volume. "U-um..."
She smiled at me.
"Well, as soon as possible."
"Ooh, let's do it now!"
"No, wait--!"
There was a huge burst of magical energy from Minuette's horn. It exploded into the room, enveloping the three of us in a light blue tornado of... sparkles!
"Woo-hoo!" Minuette exclaimed. "Hey, when did he die?"
"Yesterday! About noon!" I screamed over the swirling wind.
"Great! That's easy!" She let off another volley of magic, which seemed to chase away the first. "Here we are! Knock yourselves out."
"Minuette, we needed to bring everypony here!"
Minuette frowned. "We did?"
"Yes! We-- we--" I growled. "It's okay. We'll try it again, just take us back."
"Uh..." Minuette's ears flattened against her head. "One's the limit. Sorry."
"What?"
"Look, there he is!" Derpy pointed as Fancy walked past her, Turner tagging along at a quick clip.
"Hurry up, dear boy," Fancy addressed Turner, who panted a bit.
"Can... we... slow down? My legs... can't be... as fast as yours!" he complained.
I scoffed. "Typical."
"Shh!" Derpy hushed me.
"Sorry, dear boy, I have an appointment soon. We need to get this over with." He checked his pocket watch, then stopped walking. "Er... one moment. Could you run up ahead and press the button on the crosswalk?"
Turner panted some more. "Run?"
"Yes, yes. Hurry now, old boy." Fancy shooed him away, then leaned against the mailbox.
"What's he doing?" I asked. "Does he know he's about to get killed?"
"Certainly looks like it..." Derpy murmured.
Fancy seemed to be scanning the buildings around him, as though searching for his assailant.
We watched intently as Fancy's eyes rested on a particular window a few stories up. He took off his monocle, slowly polishing it in his hooves.
A silenced shot flew from the window he had been watching, catching him in the shoulder and knocking him to the ground.
We gasped, unsure of what to do or say.
Turner trotted back into view, breaking into a gallop when he saw Fancy's body.
"Oh, Celestia! Oh, Celestia!" He went down on the ground beside him, grabbing his wrist to feel for a pulse. "Somepony call 911!"
"Lemme fast-forward here..." Minuette muttered, powering up her horn. The ponies movements stopped, then sped up to twice, four times, eight times as fast. She stopped when an ambulance arrived.
There wasn't much to see. Turner had already fled the scene to get us, and the ambulance had covered Fancy's body with a cloth. The EMT was an earth pony mare with a white coat and a powder pink mane, which she had tied back as she loaded the body into the back of the cart.
In the last sliver of a glimpse we caught of Fancy, I could have sworn I saw him sit up.
Minuette returned us to our current time.
"Well? Did you see what you wanted to see?" she asked.
"Hell, yeah, we did."
"We did?" Derpy asked.
I nodded. "Fancy Pants faked his death."
