He hadn't seen it coming. Why hadn't he seen it coming? He simply sat there in the rain, tears welling in his eyes. A pony with a cart on his back raced by, splashing him in the face. Which didn't help the aching inside. He brushed his tears off with a claw-tip. All he could feel was his heart dropping to the pits of his stomach, and to think that, If he thought about It, it had been a normal morning. Well, normal if you didn't count the fact that it was only February 13. One of the most nerve-racking days in the life of a young pony. Or dragon, for that matter. That day was a desperate scramble to find a special some-pony. Spike had visited daisy's early that morning with 2 bits and a heart full of hope. He left the place with two roses, two chances at love on that very special day. Now, he sat looking at the petals crushed and torn, floating on the surface of a muddy puddle. Spike had walked over to rarity's with a brisk happiness in his step, passing caramel and cloud-kicker, who both gave him a smile. Spike looked at the couple and thought to himself, by the end of today, that's gonna be me. He found himself thinking about the mares beautiful blue eyes. Of the two mares he had decided to ask to be his very special (and lucky, should he add,) some-pony, of course Rarity was his fist choice. Her lovely voice, smooth and pure as silk, the way she tossed her purple mane... he kept walking, practically floating with happiness. He had awoken from his day-dream to find himself standing at rarity's door, and knocked excitedly, nervousness bubbling up inside him. He was sure this would be the absolute best day of his entire life. Rarity opened the door and looked oddly nervous when she saw Spike.
"Oh, my darling spikey wikey!" she said, her smile fake.
Of course, spike was too exited to notice the unicorns standoffish attitude. "Hey rarity!" Spike started to blush. Just seeing the pretty white mare had given him major butterflies. "I-I, I wanted to give this to you.." spike sheepishly held out the rose, half hiding his face by looking away.
"Oh my darling, its gorgeous!" Rarity slowly began levitating the rose, tensing as if every single second hurt her. "In fact.... its so beautiful i want you to have it." Rarity had hurriedly given spike back the rose.
"But.. rarity..." spike had said, eyes confused. "darling, come inside. we need to talk."
Rarity had an edge to her voice. Spike walked inside and rarity closed the door behind him. "Is.... is everything OK?" Spike didn't know why Rarity was acting this way. maybe... she didn't like him? Spikes anxiety grew as Rarity got them some tea. Finally she came back in, smiling as if nothing was wrong. But something was wrong, wasn't it? Rarity finally sat down, lifting the tea with her ice blue magic and pouring the steaming liquid into Spike's glass, then hers. She carefully set the teapot down and looked Spike in the eye.
"Now, Spikey. I know that you've had a... lets say... crush on me for a long time and i think its wonderful that you are finally finding the courage to talk to me!"
Spike looked up at rarity, smiling. "Anything for you Rarity..." he said, mind beginning to drift despite himself.
"But," Rarity said, snapping spike back out of his daydream. "I think of you as.. a friend darling! A close friend, but nothing more."
Spike felt his eyes water in disbelief. "I...." Spike was speechless.
"Oh, don't cry darling!" Rarity levitated a powdery white handkerchief and quickly rubbed spikes eyes with it. "that... that's fine rarity. I better go." Spike jumped down from the couch and opened the door, looking back at Rarity. "Are you..."
"I'm sure Spikey Wikey. I'm terribly sorry."
Spike walked out the door, closing it behind him. His eyes were down-cast, his mouth set in a pained frown.
The little dragon felt himself crying as he walked down the street gloomily. "what did I do..." he wondered as he saw applejack pulling a cart through the cobblestone streets and remembered why he was still out here. "Applejack!" he called, wiping some tears onto his arm and trying his best not to look like the mess that he was. Applejack looked over and, being the friend that she was, immediately trotted over.
"Whats wrong sugar-cube?" Spike sighed and offered up the rose halfheartedly. "oh, uh.. well spike... i have an... um.... appointment tomorrow and I.. uh... wont be able to go on a... um... date." Applejack had read the young drake like a book.
Spike sighed. "I understand."
"Thanks sugar-cube! you're a real nice little guy." And with that, applejack trotted off, the wheels on her cart creaking as if they were about to give way. Then, at that time of all times, it started to rain. Of course it had to rain. As if he wasn't already gloomy enough.
Knowing that twilight was doing some important work and couldn't be bothered, he didn't go back to the library. He just sat on the edge of the street, tearing up the roses in his claws and staring down into the puddle of mud before him. And that was how he had come to be sitting on the sidewalk on that day, sopping wet, teary eyed and heartbroken. The day that was supposed to be the most glorious day of his life had ended up like this. Suddenly the rain stopped. He looked up and saw the blue Pegasus mare with bright rainbow mane and tail.
"Hey Spike!"
"Oh... hey Rainbow." Rainbow dash flew down to the wet sidewalk and sat next to spike.
"What happened spike? You OK?" Spike sighed and shook his head.
"Rarity... says she doesn't like me.. the way i like her." Rainbow dash smiled and looked at Spike.
"Hey. cheer up kid. its not so bad is it?"
Spike sighed. "Yeah it is." Rainbow dash looked at Spike sympathetically and nudged him with her elbow. "Hey! I don't have a special some-pony for tomorrow. maybe we could go as friends?"
Spike raised his head. "Do you mean it?"
"Course I do!" Rainbow dash stretched a wing out, putting it over Spike's shoulder and said, "It'll be fun!" Spike smiled broadly, his hopes beginning to lift despite himself.
"Thanks Rainbow dash."
I like your story. I think you should continue.
4820885
thanks so much! I will :)
off to a good start, you should post another chapter
Yes go on
You should definitely continue. Might I suggest some alterations though?
This sentence construction might confuse some, since it almost looks like Rainbow is the one saying the first sentence. If you move the descriptive sentence to the side of Rainbow's line, it'd be much clearer who is speaking and when, e.g.
In this case it was pretty clear who was talking but other times it may not be.
Please, continue! I'll be watching
There's not really much of a story just yet, so you'll have to continue before I really get into this. So far, however, you've got multitudes of grammar mistakes, bad paragraphing and mis-capitalizations.
4822471, being his usual awesome self, has pointed out a few, but I've got a few more quarrels with the story.
For starters, Rarity. She says darling in every other line of dialogue. I understand that that might be a defining part of her speech for you, but it is certainly not the only thing she says. Rarity speaks with grace and poise. She has a few favorite endearing phrases, such as "simply" and "darling", but she usually uses these sparingly. She's awfully good at phrasing things in an agreeable way, and occasionally she'll use complex language to emphasize her point.
Regardless, you then go on to have Spike offer flowers to Applejack. I wasn't quite sure what the purpose of this scene was. You should probably clarify that in the writing itself. Is Spike just lonely and looking for someone to spend Hearts and Hooves Day with? That feels like a bit of a shallow reason to me.
EDIT: Never mind, just reread the introduction.
I failed to catch that one. Regardless, you should have clarified Spike's intentions later in the chapter.
Then we have Rainbow Dash's scene. I'm sure no one is a stranger to my obsession with SpikeDash, but this honestly isn't much to go off. I'm going to have to reserve my judgements for the second chapter.
The whole story is so fast-paced, though! In just under 1.2k words, you have Spike buying flowers, preparing himself to ask Rarity, asking Rarity and subsequently being rejected, moping to himself, asking Applejack and subsequently being rejected, moping about Applejack, being greeted by Rainbow Dash, and finally Rainbow Dash asking if they want to hang out.
I wish you'd written something to show just how or why Spike and Rainbow Dash would get along so well. So far, all I really know is that Rainbow Dash wants to hang out with Spike, which is unusual because it's something that they never do in the show. If you'd written a little more about their interaction with each other, it would be very much welcomed. I hope to see this in the next chapter.
Finally, and to be honest my biggest quarrel with the story, your grammar and syntax is so messy. I implore you to get a proofreader and/or editor. You start off the story with a big wall of text that's not much fun to read. Really, it's just all paragraphed together, labeled "EXPOSITION", and I don't really like that at all.
Your capitalization probably bothered me the most. Sentences such as:
where the capital 'I' is obvious and yet absent really begs for a proofreader. You often don't capitalize proper nouns, like 'Spike' and 'Twilight', and yet to do capitalize common nouns, like 'pegasus'.
I hope all this helps.
You now have my intrest, I shall continuo reading.
I have always liked Spike & Rainbow Dash pairing.