All i wanted was a normal birthday... well as normal as a wartime birthday can get. But, alas i didn't get one. It started off normal first getting Pip-Boy at a Vault-tec building...then, all hell breaks loose. A firefight erupts along with the
For starters, the first paragraph isn't indented. At the end where you wrote pip-boy 3000, it should be capitalized to get Pip-Boy 3000. Names of things like that are usually capitalized. The dialogue is fine but rather bland, and you could do very well to greatly expand of several details here and there.
“I didn’t ask for this. None of this.” A lone man in an armored brown leather duster stained with blood and gore and wearing a burnt black leather hat that sat on his head said overlooking a desolate city covered in snow and ice with a black red sky hanging over the city.
It would be better said to the effect of: “I didn’t ask for this. None of this,” said a lone man wearing a brown leather duster, stained with dried, flaking blood with a black Stetson perched jauntily on his head. He crouched on a rocky overhang, looking out over a city blanketed with snow and ice. The sky is extremely overcast; the clouds stained red from the evening sun setting on the horizon as the black night crept up on his rear.
Note how I didn't put a period/full-stop at the end of the man's dialogue, but rather a comma followed by a lower case letter on the following word. It's grammatically correct to use, but proper placement is key to get a sentence and dialogue to flow more smoothly, as I did with the other commas. Sometimes it's better to use semi-colons and em-dashes.
Take this sentence.
A long rifle resembling an AK but, much longer; It was slung over his shoulder with the scope hitting his back.
I'd rewrite it to the effect of: A rifle, resembling an AK47 from the old days on Earth—but with a longer barrel—sat adjacent to the strangers back; slung over his shoulder. The em-dashes I used are when you want a sharp transition from one word to the next while maintaining continuity. Semi-colons are a combination of a full-stop and comma. You'd use those when you want a break in the sentence, but not as abrupt as when you would use a full-stop.
The man sighed as the memories of his life went through his mind like a Holotape.
Holotape does not need to be capitalized.
The buck sighed; the memories of everyone they meet when through his mind. “Of course. I will never forget them. Why?” The buck responded magically taking out a Zebra Assault rifle and placing a new magazine in.
The semi-colon could be replaced with a full-stop. Instead of saying 'magically taking out', try saying 'using his aura to bring forward'. Also, 'Zebra Assault' doesn't need to be capitalized. As a thought, when he puts in the magazine, add "and then he pulls the action on the rifle back, letting it snap forward, loading a round into the chamber." Adding that adds drama and tension to a degree.
One more thing. Where you've got 'Godforsaken City' at the beginning, that doesn't need to be capitalized either.
Overall; it's a decent setup that could be reworked to deliver more tension that would make the reader more intrigued, making them want to read more.
That's all I have to say at the moment. Good luck with the story!
Sounds pretty good so far, and credit to Alcatraz for what he's done. Unfortunately, there's just one more thing that needs to be fixed: the tense. It keeps changing from the present tense to the past tense and back again, and the story just doesn't flow. For example: "The sky spread out before him is extremely overcast..." The use of 'is' here changes the tense from past (what you were using) to present, and really just chops the story up. It should be 'was' to keep the flow. Apart from that, it's good! If you need to know where else to fix just let me know.
For starters, the first paragraph isn't indented. At the end where you wrote pip-boy 3000, it should be capitalized to get Pip-Boy 3000. Names of things like that are usually capitalized. The dialogue is fine but rather bland, and you could do very well to greatly expand of several details here and there.
It would be better said to the effect of: “I didn’t ask for this. None of this,” said a lone man wearing a brown leather duster, stained with dried, flaking blood with a black Stetson perched jauntily on his head. He crouched on a rocky overhang, looking out over a city blanketed with snow and ice. The sky is extremely overcast; the clouds stained red from the evening sun setting on the horizon as the black night crept up on his rear.
Note how I didn't put a period/full-stop at the end of the man's dialogue, but rather a comma followed by a lower case letter on the following word. It's grammatically correct to use, but proper placement is key to get a sentence and dialogue to flow more smoothly, as I did with the other commas. Sometimes it's better to use semi-colons and em-dashes.
Take this sentence.
I'd rewrite it to the effect of: A rifle, resembling an AK47 from the old days on Earth—but with a longer barrel—sat adjacent to the strangers back; slung over his shoulder.
The em-dashes I used are when you want a sharp transition from one word to the next while maintaining continuity. Semi-colons are a combination of a full-stop and comma. You'd use those when you want a break in the sentence, but not as abrupt as when you would use a full-stop.
Holotape does not need to be capitalized.
The semi-colon could be replaced with a full-stop. Instead of saying 'magically taking out', try saying 'using his aura to bring forward'. Also, 'Zebra Assault' doesn't need to be capitalized. As a thought, when he puts in the magazine, add "and then he pulls the action on the rifle back, letting it snap forward, loading a round into the chamber." Adding that adds drama and tension to a degree.
One more thing. Where you've got 'Godforsaken City' at the beginning, that doesn't need to be capitalized either.
Overall; it's a decent setup that could be reworked to deliver more tension that would make the reader more intrigued, making them want to read more.
That's all I have to say at the moment. Good luck with the story!
Sounds pretty good so far, and credit to Alcatraz for what he's done. Unfortunately, there's just one more thing that needs to be fixed: the tense. It keeps changing from the present tense to the past tense and back again, and the story just doesn't flow. For example:
"The sky spread out before him is extremely overcast..."
The use of 'is' here changes the tense from past (what you were using) to present, and really just chops the story up. It should be 'was' to keep the flow.
Apart from that, it's good! If you need to know where else to fix just let me know.