Waiter, There Is A Bug In My Tea!
I just stared at him blankly as I reached a hand behind my back, directly into a flaming doorway that stood behind me. The flames quickly cut out and the doorway caved in on itself before coming into contact with my hand and wrapping around it, which was absolutely boiling hot by the way, forming a glove with a slight red tint.
I grimaced a bit as I saw it, I had to help someone for fucks sake, why did I put that option in some of the gloves again? I wrenched my attention from the glove towards the mostly-a-bug thing that stood in front of me. ”And what is it you want? I was in the middle of something y’know?”
“Well, I was just curious about you. After all, the only other time that I had done anything like this was with Auric." Or as I like to call him, goody-two-shoes-shit-for-brains, head of the golden dildo armada, the always ready to fuck shit up the bum captain of cornflakes. It wasn't a very short nickname, but if I ever meet him again I am probably going to call him by it. Honestly though, just the mention of his name gets me so pissed! That fucking asshole did not have to fucking force me back! He could've just said please! I would've ignored it but it's the principle of the thing! Okay Johnny, deep breaths, my anger was almost palpable there, and do I smell burning? "But I digress, welcome to the Central Hive!” The what-what?
”Hive? As in, bees?” I looked around the place, and I gotta admit, it was kind of impressive. It as a bit familiar for some reason but whatever. Of course, that the bildings were made of flesh really caught my eye, and the ground is all kinds of black... and alive apparently. ”Fan-fucking-tastic, I was summoned by walking, talking cockroaches.”
“No, I can assure you that our roaches can’t walk, or talk.” He waved over just one of the Bugs Life rejects. “See?” Ew, it's all black and gooey. Not that I'm against black and gooey, it's just the way this particular black and gooey looked was just... well it wasn't something I'd take out for a romantic picnic. Not without having a pleasant conversation first, one in which I don't try and punch it in the face. “We are the Zerg. What more can I say?”
Man this thing is stupid looking though, it's like if someone took a normal roach and just covered it in a mountain of black gooey stuffs. Back on the subject of punching things in the face however, I think the port burnt off my dream clothes. A quick look down confirmed this, I was back in my vacation wear. "Goodbye, fleeting vacation, you shall be missed." I mumbled as I clicked my claws together to make a spark that quickly engulfed me in flames.
My clothes were quickly burned off and were replaced with my more 'formal' attire. Striped sweater, raggedy pants, the usual. ”Name’s Johnny, though most know me as the Nightmare or Freddy,” I shivered a bit as I continued, I fucking hated when people called me that, ”just call me Johnny though mister/miss?..” I had no idea what gender it was, it could be a tranny for all I care though.
“Dahaka. And I am a mister. At least, until Prime Directive has its way.” I just, no Johnny! The joke is far too easy! But it must be made! Fuck it, I'll just say something casual and witty. “And you actually said slash?” He's gone nuts, I never said slash, silly retarded bug thing.
”Sounds kinky, and I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I brought my usual grin back, not at it's full power but I'm really not in the mood for it.
“Unless you want to get into a whole discussion on how the Zerg work, I wouldn’t pursue the ‘mister for now’ thing.” Got it champ. Your gender perspective is none of my business.
I shrugged and looked around, bored as hell with all this talking. What really got my attention though was the building currently being constructed by what looked to be ponies and most decidedly not made of flesh. ”Well, well, well, looky what we have here. I have my ways of getting the info I need but I think it’s a bit more polite to ask. What the fuck is that?”
“It’s an embassy. So what?” So defensive.
”Let me guess, you killed off a few pompous pastel pricks and had to ask for another species to harbour you from the xenophobes? Unless of course…” I squinted a bit at the building, and I saw something that really got my blood boiling, although I'm not sure if I have any. Note to self: Bleed. ”Is that a sun emblazoned flag I see on the wall over there?” I practically spat it out, perfectly reasonable considering my past experiences with anything that had that in their home. Assholes.
“Basically," please don't tell me I'm in for a history lesson, "when I got here about one thousand, five hundred years ago," well... fuck, "I wasn’t in full control of myself." You sound like an abusive boyfriend apologising to his hospitalised chica. "In this state I caused, simply put, a mass genocide that wiped out about half of the intelligent species on the planet." That's odd, I don't remember there ever being an intelligent species on Equestria. "But once blasted by the elements of harmony, I was stuck as stone." It's nicer to call it a pigeon-shit perch than a statue, don't ask me why. "But it also made me in control of myself once again." Definitely an abusive boyfriend. "So, I escaped just after Discord and set the hive up. But the Sisters held a grudge and sent a large portion of their army to kill me." How rude. "They all died." Brief. "But soon something happened, something came and started attacking Equestria, so I helped them. And that’s how this came to be.” Oh my god, this fucking thing looks adorable!
I picked up a small bug thing and held it just in front of me while it flailed about, trying to claw my face off or something. ”Feisty little fucker… sorry what?”
“You’re lucky that I’m stopping them from killing you right now. But Essentially, Equestria and I now have a common enemy.”
”Hmm,” I wonder what this thing looks like on the inside? I'm sure... Dack-nack? won't mind, looks like he's got plenty of them. ”The way I see it, you just need to go back into the state before your imprisonment, because apparently it’s better at killing things.” What? He needed something dead and he used to be good at killing things, makes perfect sense to me. He started growling and I felt him nudging against my brain-box. Being such a good sport I let him in, the things he showed me from what I guessed was his arrival were so... I can't remember the word. What's another word for beautifully gore-covered? Was there even a word for that?
I smile and started crushing the little bug more while it shrieked. And since I was such a good sport, then it's only fair I be partial to equivalent exchange. ”Sharing is caring.” I said, a tad sadistically, as I showed him some of the fun I'd had before my own granite covered incarceration.
His eyes started glowing red and his next couple of sentences really clued me in on what just happened to him, “ATTACK THE INTRUDERS! Not... the... ponies.” He mumbled this over and over as he kept trying to out-order himself. It was very stupid to watch. So stupid, in fact, that I almost didn't notice the bugs were rushing me like it was something they were used to doing. Meh, I'll just call it a Zerg rush, it fits for some reason.
I laughed as they approached, their weird mouth things doing weird mouth stuff and I let myself relax a bit, laughing as they came closer. I felt something akin to a puppets strings being cut as my muscles weakened their grip on my bones. I then spun into the fun as I bent and twisted in ways that were not natural, punching, kicking and dodging anything that came near me, not even bothering to use my claw considering it was more fun to just punch things right now.
By the looks of things, I was probably going to be here for a while. So I hatched a cunning scheme in which to halt the oncoming horde. I sung a lullaby for Dunebug-Dahaka ”Go to sleep,” I punched a little bug that had leapt at me, crushing the one from before under my foot. ”Go to sleep,” I don't think my singing voice was very good since he wasn't even blinking. My punch continued, my torso clicking and cracking as it spun a full two-hundred and seventy degrees with various snaps of bone before my fist managed to hit another bug. ”Go to sleep little Daka!
My legs twisted in the opposite direction of my torso to kick a bigger bug with pincer things that had gotten a bit too close for comfort. It wasn't nearly as cute as the little ones. I held my claw in the air, closing it and pulling down while focusing on the air above Dahaka, hopefully I had enough fuel spare, before going back to punching and kicking. ”Once you o-.” Bullseye.
”-pen your eyes you won’t see me a-” My smile was up to eighty-percent as my body returned to its anatomically correct position and he struggled to stand up straight ”-gain.”
He muttered a quick “Kill me” before falling to the ground. It took nearly half a second for me to figure out he was ordering his bugs, and another half to get pissed at him for it. Motherfucker! There is no fucking way I'm going to let you get away that easy!
I growled and leapt towards him, trying to think of some place far enough away from his bugs but within porting distance. Needless to say, I had a pretty good idea of where to go. ”No you fucking don’t!” We were both engulfed in green flame as I moved us to both the closest and the furthest location from his hive thing.
After a while I groaned and stood up. That port had really done a number on me, especially because I had to get the bug as far away from the rest of them as possible. Hence why we were in the Canterlot dungeons, a place many a guard dreaded to be stationed. Mostly because of boredom and not the fact that anything was down here. We weren’t in Dahaka’s dimension of course, who knew how far his version of telepathy could reach. No, instead I dragged him to my dimension, which is why I was having another headache.
”Uggh, you mother bugger, making me do things on my vacation.” I shook my head and did my usual routine of cracking joints and bones alike before heading over to the bug currently trying to saw his way out of an unlocked door.
”You know,” I said as I walked closer, standing a meter or so behind him. ”I’ve yet to find someone who would lock the door to an empty dungeon.”
“But why would it be unsealed? It would not make sense to keep a containment chamber unsealed.” He had such a bored tone, like there was nothing new to what was happening even though, judging from his reaction, this was.
I sighed and tapped him on the shoulder before directing his attention to the rest of the dungeon. ”Can you count how many prisoners are currently in here?”
“Zero. And while I can see why you would make such an argument, they would probably have taken into account the probability of something like this happening.” As the bug said this, it’s claw finished cutting the bar. It started cutting another part of it.
I just rolled my eyes. ”Yes, they took precautions for those teleporting into the cell, obviously. I mean, it’s not like anything that could teleport in could do the same to leave.” It paused for a moment, then replied,
“You are either using sarcasm, or you are extremely dense. But either way, the possibility of a situation like ours is not negligible.”
I facepalmed, surely he knew Sovereign Sunstroke could never plan for the little things. For example, she would always be good at knowing which countries were best to trade with, but she has nothing prepared for if someone threw a pie at her in the middle of day-court. She has plans if a cake gets thrown at her though.
”Right, well, I’m going to grab your shoulder in a few moments so don’t freak out on me or anything.” I didn’t really give him time to process that as I grabbed him and we quickly caught fire. I don’t think he was used to being burned alive however as we soon reappeared at the main floor of my shack. Kronk obviously wasn’t too pleased to see him.
“Never do that again. It is unpleasant in the extreme.” That’s odd, I thought bugs loved to be set on fire. Unless I’m thinking of dragons, oh well.
I chuckled and pointed to a seat while Kronk growled at him. ”Just sit on that root for a bit, I’ll be right back.”
I didn’t catch his response and I didn’t really care as I made my way to my workshop, he was practically stuck here after all and I could probably use that as leverage. After looking through the room my eyes caught on the prize, the glass orb I’d gotten with green crap inside it. It really wasn’t hard to make the connection between the weird bug thing and what could be described as the egg of a small bug.
I picked it up and chucked it in the air a few times as I made my way back upstairs. The bug was about to open the pup’s chest with it’s claw’s as I came up, But dropped it as it saw the egg. Poor Kronk, he’d been through quite a bit since I got here. Maybe I’ll get him a treat later.
I smirked as I looked towards Primrose, holding up the egg between my claws. ”You’re a leader of sorts, let’s see how well you can negotiate.”
“You seem to think that I was made with negotiation in mind. But it also seems that you wish for things to die. My return to my realm will mean the death of many things. And I will be able to come back here to kill many things. I think that having things die is your prime directive. So by letting me have the anchor, I will be able to help you fulfill your prime directive.”
I grabbed a chair and turned it around, sitting on it as I looked at the bug. ”Look Optimus,” I held up two claws after moving the egg to my other hand, ”I only want two things from you. Death was never really my main objective but everyone likes to think so and I can’t be bothered to correct them.”
I scraped my claw along one of the walls, drawing a crude picture of the thing in front of me. ”First thing I want, is to give you a backdoor.” I drew a door next to the terrible stick figure that looked more like an elephant somehow.
“But why do you want this? I am not of your concern.” I am not of your concern he says, this guy is like a broken record of matter-of-fact answers.
”Think about it, it is inevitable that when Daka wakes up you’re going to be nothing but a voice in his head. I just want to give you some way of influencing things, nothing too big but just enough so that you can get out your own small commands that he won’t know about.”
It was pretty simple really, Prime wanted to kill a lot of things and Daka wanted to be peaceful. Currently Daka was more powerful apparently so if I give Prime a way of being able to do things then I may be able to create some changes without touching a thing. Beyond Dahaka anyhow.
“It would help my directive to have a, as you put it, ‘back door’. Dahaka has not let the swarm grow. Evolve yes, but not in ways to help the Swarm overcome and consume all.”
I clapped my hand and claw together, not really caring as I accidentally cut a finger off half way. ”Fantastic then, on to my second request since you can’t have the first without it.”
I thought back to the new dolls scattered around my workshop downstairs before deciding on a regular pony puppet that I never got around to painting. I ported it to my hand and decided to burn my finger back together as an afterthought.
”I would also like you, Prime.” I thought over my words a bit before chuckling and continuing. ”Not in the way you probably thought. What I meant was, when I give you a backdoor I would also like to copy your personality over to this toy. Copy, not move in case you were wondering.”
I mostly just wanted to give it to the ponies so I could see what would happen really.
“I see nothing objectionable to copying myself onto a toy. But first, could I have a skin sample? I would like to study your essence.” He couldn't have said it any creepier, so I pretty much knew my answer before I’d had a chance to think on it.
”Sure, on the condition that Dahaka does not learn of your… ‘secret project’ until you’ve made something from it.” Honestly the thought of a bug me running around and killing things was both funny and hilarious. Shutup, I can use both of those to describe something.
“I would like a section from your brain, heart, and skin. Just the skin would be fine, but the other two will make things go faster.”
I thought on it for a moment before shrugging and standing up, placing my hat on the back of the chair before throwing my sweater on it. ”I have no idea what you could use a dead heart for, but I might as well. I’m not really using it anyway.”
“So I take it that I can have the whole heart then?” Well, at least someone is eager.
I nodded and placed my claw on my chest. I slowly carved an ‘x’ in the middle of it near the bottom of my neck and pushed my hand in. It was… unpleasant to say the least and all the scarring had made it a bit too easy to cut. After a while of wriggling my hand around inside myself, something I hope to never do again, and going past my ribs, I’d managed to find what I hoped was my heart.
I thought on the best way to get rid of it before just deciding to rip it out. It wasn’t beating anyway, so I saw no harm in it and if I should need it for whatever reason I could just burn it back… probably. After tearing off the main arteries, which somehow had blood flowing through them, I managed to pull out my heart. Rather curiously it began beating as soon as it left my body.
”Well,” I was panting a bit from the experience and quickly decided to burn the wounds back to normal, though I had no idea what the arteries were going to connect to. ”I can’t say that is something I wish to do again, so hurry up and take it before I decide I no longer wish to literally give you my heart that is currently both achey and brakey.”
The bug quickly took it. It then lifted up a flap on its lower back, and placed it inside. “Now for the brain and skin.
I growled at him a bit. ”Do not push your luck right now. I feel empty enough as it is.”
“Just the skin then?” I glared at him slightly before relenting, although being literally heartless now made me feel so… empty, I doubted that a piece of skin would do the same. So I just scraped a bit off my arm before chucking it at him and putting my sweater back on. The bug who had stolen my heart quickly snatched the skin up and put it into the same pouch that my heart was now in.
I quickly put my hat back on and grabbed the egg. ”Alright, you got your end of the deal, now it’s my turn. So lie down or something and get sleeping.” I didn’t really care for his response at this point as I went downstairs, and I didn’t really think Kronk was up to pulling the lever yet so I let him rest upstairs and keep an eye on Primeval.
As soon as I got to my workshop I walked into the furnace and pulled the lever. There was a painful tearing sensation in my chest as I was thrown into the dreamscape, it was probably because I was missing pieces but I would get used to it eventually.
After a bit of grovelling in pain I finally righted myself and looked for buggy’s window. I was beginning to think he had duped me when I spotted it, way off into the distance as if it was avoiding everything else. I quickly brought it to me and walked in. The bug’s dream was constantly shifting, as though it had no stabilizing force. This was probably due to Dahaka also being in here somewhere, the two personalities fighting for dominance or something.
I looked around the place for Prime, not really interested in staying for too long as the constant change was giving me a headache. I eventually spotted a thing in the distance, it looked like a growth on the land, and it was the only stable thing. I just thought on the thing and the dream shifted so that I was next to it. I was wondering on how to get in, but a gap opened in the fleshy substance. It was disgusting, but it was the only way in. So I squeezed into the gap and popped out of the other side.
The inside was disproportionately large compared to the outside. I saw many glowing double helix’s floating around. I tried to grab one, but it had a kind of protective field around it. Then I saw a sort of blob. It grew legs to walk on, but when the legs no longer had pressure on them, they were recycled into the blob. It grew an arm as it approached a helix, and it interacted with it.
”I hope you haven’t forgotten our deal already. And considering I can’t get a lock through the dream, I am going to have to do this directly. I’m not sure if you can hear me or not, but I want you to know that I am not sorry at all for any pain this causes.”
I dug my hand into the blob, reaching in up to my elbow until I found what I was looking for. I grabbed it and pulled. It took some effort but eventually I managed to tear it out. What I now had in my hands was a purplish flame that would probably kill you if you looked at it too long. Maybe I should have mentioned the process involved with copying things? Nah.
I fiddled with the flame, it seemed like it could barely hold its shape, always changing to match whatever it needed, which made sense as it was basically a representation of Prime’s entire existence, before pulling a strand of string out from it and cutting it off. I could practically feel the thing screaming as I burnt a new one in its place and shoved it back in the blob.
I doubted he would be happy at me when he woke up so I quickly shoved the strand in my hat and tore a claw in the air. I made a rather crude door and gave it a little furbishing before I saw the blob start to move again and I high-tailed it out of there. The dream had somehow gotten more shifty as I ran towards a furnace that had melted out of the ground. As soon as I was a few feet from it it lit up and I jumped into the blue flames, though, not until after throwing the egg at the blob behind me.
As I ignored the new pain of rematerialisation and made my way upstairs I barely caught a flash of green peeking past the door frame. I heard and felt the ground rumbling below me before I sprinted upstairs. ”Why couldn’t the stupid bug just use a portal or something?! It would have been so much simpler!”
I somehow managed to reach the top and grab the still unconscious bug before throwing him out the front door that I still needed to get. It was like one of those tricks a dog does where you throw something and it catches it. Except instead of a frisbee it was a barely conscious bug that went by the name Prime Directive, and instead of a dog it was a giant fucking worm thing. Which I hoped no passers by to the Everfree wouldn’t notice, which I doubted.
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4904331
Ironically, depending on the time of upload, every time I add a new chapter now it gets featured. I even started taking pictures. I was also able to figure out that at least half of the dislikes are from people who haven't bothered to try reading this. Doesn't make me stop feeling bad about them though.
4904629
People who see "oh, it's a LoHAV..." And then thumbs down i refer to as "haters". Nobody likes haters. I get them too.
4904790
I know but it's still rather silly.
4979489
Reference? It's a crossover chapter, of course there are references.
4979841 REFERENCE!!!