OOOOOkay then... I'm kinda getting the feeling that My story isn't exactly gathering the appeal I though it would... um... not gonna whine about it, but if everyone who dislikes it could give me a reason why, I'd be more than happy to adjust the style if need be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not selling out the story to every idea i come across, but if its a problem with the style, I kinda wanna know. Thanks a mill, CrazyBloodMoon, stay frosty.

Your grammar is a fucking travesty for one. And that's really all I can say, because the grammar gave me a headache and I quit reading after the intro. So I can't criticize the actual content.

4564589 Ok. That's fair. Lemme see what I can do about that.

This was actually a bit refreshing and I wouldn't mind seeing where you take it. I'll look out for the next chapter.

Here's a lesson in humor.
Random... doesn't always equal funny.

You're trying to be funny but you're doing it in all of the wrong ways.

>Anthros all around

nope.jpg

4565544 Point taken, and thanks for the Input! I'm going to try to smooth things out more in the next chapter, If you don't mind coming back to it later? that, and this is a prototype style at best. when I put my next story up, it will be a better representation of my more common writing style. Thanks again

4565569 If you wanna make a recommendation, I'm always open to suggestions! PM me if you have something you'd like me to add/remove/improve, and thanks for the review.

4565587 Sorry if I came off a little standoffish. Basically what 4565544 said. You're trying a little too hard to be random (especially in the description).

MORE!

A bit too random, and it frankly gets a bit difficult to read with everyone interrupting each other. Flow would be greatly helped without the narrator constantly putting his two bits in. Still, I have to admit my curiosity is piqued. I'll reserve judgement until after I see more.

4565635 No, I didn't think standoffish, I tent to think of criticism as something akin to mental notes, something to be considered in future projects, and that you have a fair point: I very well may be trying too hard. I'm trying to do something that usually only Pinkie herself can pull off, so naturally I'm gonna start off a little choppy. As for future chapters, I'm probably gonna be about as smooth as Gravel, but that's still better than my current smoothness: Sandpaper. I'm almost done with a second story, which means I'll be able to get the second chapter finished hopefully within the next few days. And thanks again!

I LOVE IT
AND I HAVE YOU KIDNEYS HOSTAGE

cant wait for more!!!
with love
from: DEADMAN123

4597067 My Kidneys?! DAMNIT!!! That's the third time this week someone has held them hostage! I need to put like a tracking bracelet on those things or something... Well, I still have my liver! so i can still get drunk enough to- LOLZ! who am I kidding, I was sober when I wrote this, I'm just a crazy Fuck!

i say you where drunk! drunk on life!...sorry very very bad joke

4602262 Strangely enough, that's actually not too far off...

I haven't read this story yet but your summary made me laugh though I am going to read it I hope it is a good story see you when I finish the story

I like your story please continue your story it made me laugh almost the entire story

4715291 Thank you kindly! And to all who are wondering! ... I've made a bit of an an amateur mistake I'm currently writing 5 stories for 3 different sights, so I'm bogged down to basically a crawl To those of whom are sticking with me, AWESOME!!! THANK YOU!!! to those who aren't... well... you're probably not even reading this, LOLZ! Anyway, I'll be posting the next Chapter soon! As in within two or so days!

4722572 yea good story

Huh. That was random.

I'm diggin' it though.

“OK OK! I GET IT! Jeez... you know what, just for the attitude, I'm making your armor a color that goes terrible with your scales!” The big bully of a voice shot back at the poor defenseless child of a dragon, the shame on his name is so great, that- “SHUT UP! Now I'm gonna make it even MORE clashing!”
“Wait, WHAT?!”

OKAY I seriously laughed HARD at that part. It's obvious that Silver Spoon is the DM (Dungeon Master) and I laughed so hard about her argument with Spike. And it looked like she penalized him for something the narrater said

But I totally lost the conversation between Spike and Twilight. Sudenly I couldn't tell Silver Spoon from the narrater because they both were describing either a scene in the game or a scene in the story and it got VERY confusing.

you need to more clearly define who is talking. So far I have only been able to identify four players, Silver Spoon, Spike, Twilight, narrater.

MY advice is to put the narrater dialogue into quote brackets like so-

[quote ] the narrater picked on poor Silver Spoon, causing her to get angrier and take out her frustration on Spike because he loved the CMC just like everybody else in this fandom! [/quote ]

so that it appears in a box separated from the characters dialogue like so-

the narrater picked on poor Silver Spoon, causing her to get angrier and take out her frustration on Spike because he loved the CMC just like everybody else in this fandom!

5187600
Thanks a mill for the review but uhhh... WROOONG! Lol, Silver Spoon wasn't the duchebag voice, it was just how I introduced the story. He's gone, Silver Spoon hasn't appeared yet, and im putting up a new chap in the next 1-3 hours depending on how often the family bothers me. Once again, thank you for your support!