“Sweetie Belle!”
"Oh brother, here we go again..."
“What have you done to my inspiration room?” Rarity shrieked, as Sweetie Belle walked sulkily into the room, her eyes downcast. The room was indeed in shambles. There were rolls of fabric in a rainbow of hues spread haphazardly across the floor, a small chest full of gems overturned in one corner, and all of Rarity’s design sketches looked as though they had been carried by a tornado. Spools of thread and needles also littered the pile.
“I was just trying to...”
“I was in the middle of working on my line of Full Spectrum Fashions, and now you’ve gone and messed the room up again!” Rarity snapped.
“Sis, I was just trying to practice the levitation spell that Twilight taught me. I thought that if I did it in here, it wouldn’t matter if I dropped anything, because it would be back to the way it was before.”
“But why didn’t you ask me first? I could have given you some things to practice with that wouldn’t have interfered with my work.”
“Well, I tried to ask, but you said you were far too busy, and that I should find something else to do.”
“Sweetie Belle, I do not have the time to argue with you. I have a very important order to finish for Thursday’s fashion show, and now I have to clean up before I can get back to work.”
“Could I help?” Sweetie Belle asked eagerly.
“No! You’ve done enough damage already! Why don’t you go outside and play with your friends?”
Sweetie Belle tried to explain that Scootaloo left two hours ago to cheer on Rainbow Dash in the Wonderbolts tryouts, and that Apple Bloom would be busy helping her brother and sister with the apple harvest, but it was no use. Rarity simply would not listen. She was beginning to turn red and stamp her hooves with impatience.
***
Sweetie Belle walked out the door of the Carousel Boutique, and on to the main street of Ponyville. Hmm, she thought to herself, I wonder if any of Rarity’s friends need any help. As she wound her way through the bustle of the street, an idea popped into her head. I know! I’ll go visit Fluttershy! I bet she could use some help tending to all of her cute little critters.With that, she turned, and broke into a quick trot towards Fluttershy’s cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville.
When Sweetie Belle arrived at Fluttershy’s house, she was met by the apprehensive gazes of hundreds of furry little creatures. Squirrels and birds scolded noisily from the surrounding trees, and a few circling birds of prey swooped in low to get a better look at the newcomer. The wind from their wings ruffled her mane. She walked up the pathway and knocked gently on the door with her hoof. When there was no answer, she knocked a little harder. She waited for a few minutes, but there was still no answer. She thought of calling out for Rarity’s friend, but she didn’t want to scare any of the animals. So, she decided to walk around the house to see if Fluttershy was in the back garden. When she got around to the back, she saw Fluttershy singing in the shade of a large oak tree at the very edge of the garden. Not wanting to startle her, (she knew how sensitive Fluttershy could be) Sweetie Belle quietly called her name. When she got no response, she walked a little closer and tried again, a little louder this time. With a small jump, Fluttershy looked around and saw Sweetie Belle
“Oh...um...hello Sweetie Belle,” Fluttershy murmered, “you startled me.”
“Hey Fluttershy! Sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to.” Fluttershy whispered something about it not being a problem. “So, what are you doing?”
“Well, I was just teaching my song birds a new tune,” replied Fluttershy, gesturing towards the branches of the tree, where Sweetie Belle saw around fifty small birds of every color and shade staring suspiciously back at her.
“Is there anything I could do to help?”
“Oh I don’t know. My birds are a little shy around strangers.”
“Well, maybe if I stay and watch, it will help them get over their stage fright,” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“Um all right. Why don’t you just stand over there.” Fluttershy indicated a spot a few yards away under an apple tree. “And be sure to stay nice and quiet.”
Sweetie Belle walked over to the spot that Fluttershy had suggested, and motioned for her to continue. She got her birds’ attention with a firm “Ahem,” and she counted “One and two and three and four,” and the birds began to sing a melody that Sweetie Belle recognized. As the song progressed, she began to hum along with the tune, and before long, she could not help herself; she burst into boisterous singing. While she did have a beautiful singing voice, she tended to sing rather loudly. Upon hearing her sing, many of the birds were startled out of their concentration, and ten or so flew away. Sweetie Belle didn’t notice, and continued singing.
“Excuse me,” Fluttershy mumbled timidly, catching Sweetie Belle’s attention.
“Why did you stop? The song isn’t over yet.”
“Well, um, the truth is, your singing scared away some of my birds."
“Oh my! I am so sorry. I guess I just got a little carried away.”
“Oh, that’s quite all right. I’ll just go find them.”
“Maybe I could help with that!” Exclaimed Sweetie Belle hopefully.
“Well, um.. no need. I know where they like to hide, so it will be easy for me,” replied Fluttershy, not wanting to hurt her feelings by rejecting her outright.
The yellow pegasus trotted off into the forest to look for her birds. Sweetie Belle could tell without being told that Fluttershy didn’t really want her help. She decided to walk back to the center of Ponyville. She did so morosely. “Why is it that whenever I try to help somepony, do I always make a mess?” the filly thought glumly. “Hmmm. Maybe nopony needs my help, but I know a dragon who might need some.” and so, Sweetie Belle trotted down the street making for the Ponyville Library.
***
Sweetie Belle walked up onto the doorstep of the tree-shaped building, and reached up to knock on the door. As she did so, the heard an enormous crash followed by a muffled cry of pain. She could hear Twilight’s admonishments of her reptilian companion through the wood of the door.
“Spike! What have I told you about biting off more than you can chew?” scolded the voice of the purple unicorn.
“Gee Twilight, you’re always telling me not to push myself too hard, and yet you are always making such a big mess! There’s no other way I can get all of my chores done!” Spike replied.
“Perhaps you need an assistant.” At this, Sweetie Belle’s ears perked up. She thought, “This must be my lucky day!”
“I don’t think so. I already have Owlowicious, and he mostly just gets on my nerves.” the baby dragon said. At the mention of his name, a quiet “Who?” “Gahh! There he goes again, acting like he doesn’t know it’s him I’m talking about.”
“Spike, he’s only an owl,” Twilight said exasperatedly. “No, I mean a real assistant. Somepony who can really help with your chores.”
Sweetie Belle could not stand waiting any longer. She knocked on the door again, louder this time. The voices in the library suddenly fell silent, and she could hear the sound of hooves approaching the door. A moment later, the door swung open, and Sweetie Belle was greeted by a frazzled looking Twilight.
“Hey Sweetie Belle, do you need something?”
“Well Rarity and I sort of had a fight, and she told me to go outside. My friends are busy today, so I thought I would come visit.”
“I see,” replied the purple pony, “Why don’t you come inside?”
Sweetie Belle followed Twilight inside. Spike, who was still busy extracting himself from a large pile of books, greeted her with a wave.
“I couldn’t help overhearing you two talking before I knocked on the door. I heard that Spike needed an assistant, and I thought that I might be able to help.”
Spike looked on the verge of protesting that he didn’t really need any help, when Twilight exclaimed “That sounds great!” You can help with Spike’s chores, and I’ll think of someway to repay you once I am finished studying. I promise it’ll be good.”
“Great!” Sweetie Belle blurted with a hop and a smile. Spike looked incredulous, but decided to keep a positive outlook.
“Maybe it’ll be nice having an assistant. What’s the worst that could happen?” Spike thought.
“Okay Spike, how can I help?” Sweetie Belle inquired eagerly.
“Well, first you can help me stack up these books. That will make it easier to sort them out.”
“I think they’ll get along quite nicely,” thought Twilight with a smile, as she returned to her studying.
This my first attempt at any type of fanfiction, so constructive criticism will be appreciated. I can't really say when the next chapter will be ready, as I am busy with school, but I have been playing with some Ideas.
Thanks,
Gandalf
Interesting concept, tracking.
I'm a sucker for Sweetie Belle stories, this has a lot of potential, however, I think you'll need to work on dialog a bit. The plot is good, however when you have the ponies talk, it doesn't have the same feel behind it as it should. Rarity needs to be more overdramatic, for example. Just take a look over your dialog and ask yourself if on an episode, they would really say it just like that ^^. Can't wait for more!
c.cslacker.com/3815l.jpg
This story have my attention...
Very good formatting, but please put a blank line between each break. It helps on the eyes. The fight felt rather...abrupt, sort of like a convenience intro to lead into "the plot" The characters feel real though. Could use more Rarity being Rarity, she felt a little lackluster in the drama department.
Solid concept. Waiting to see more.
The dialogue does need some work. I'll reserve judgement on the story until it actually starts. See you after the next chapter!
This concept has promise. Tracking.
GO GO TRACKING DEVICE!!!!
Seriously, this has possibilities.
Okay You got me interest. Lets see where you take this...
Thanks for the comments! Yes I do agree that the beginning could use some work. Now that I see some interest, I may go back and revise it, though maybe not until after chapter two.
I'm pretty much going to echo what everyone else is saying by agreeing that this really is a stellar concept, even if it does need some work in terms of execution. I strongly advise proof-reading for grammar, and read up on some formatting at the Editor's Omnibus for more tips. I'll be looking at this for updates.
I wanna see how it goes from here :3
Update soon my friend!
This could be pretty good. It's not especially well done, but it's definitely not painful to read. The thing you need to work on the most is formatting your dialogue better. Other than that, I'm enjoying it, and tracking. Looking forward to more!
So ask for constructive criticism and ye shall receive. In no ways am I really qualified to do this, but what follows is what stuck out to me.
---
I'm pretty sure it's not something you need to do, but italicizing characters' thoughts is helpful to the reader.
“Well, I tried to ask, but you said you were far to busy, and that I should find something else to do.” Sweetie Belle replied.
Should be "too".
“Sweetie Belle, I do not have the time to argue with you. I have a very important order to finish in time for Thursday’s fashion show, and now I have yo clean up before I can get back to work.”
Would sound better if you cut out "in time", and that should be "to".
“Why whenever I try to help somepony, do I always make a mess?”
> "Why is it that whenever I try to help somepony, I always make a mess?"
“Hmmm. Maybe nopony needs my help, but I know a dragon who might need some help,”
You can cut out the second help. It reads better that way.
companion through the wood of the door
Needs a period.
a moment later,
Needs to be capitalized.
---
In general, a lot of your dialogue is followed by blanked Pony blankly. You don't need this, especially when only two characters are present and it's pretty clear who's talking.
You also tend to switch between contracting and not contracting words, sometimes in the same sentence. Unless you're putting emphasis on that statement, you should just contract. For example, when Twilight says “You can help with Spike’s chores, and I’ll think of someway to repay you once I am finished studying.” It would just read easier as "[…] and I'll think of someway to repay you once I'm finished studying."
And finally, in general, you're a bit repetitive. Avoid using the same word twice in a sentence. Also, show versus tell and all that.
I do have to congratulate you on keeping the same tense throughout the chapter though. I'm not sure how much fan fiction you've read, but sadly for first time writers this is a rarity.
I did some minor edits this morning, but I don't think I'll get to do any hard edits before the second chapter goes up. Honestly this was basically a rough draft, and I am quite surprised at all of the positive feedback.
Thanks,
Gandalf
"Hello all. Camlio here with Rainbow Dash. You said you wanted to say something about this story Dash?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh Didn't see you there Twilight. How's things?"
"Very well thanks."
"Right then back to the grind."
well from what i noticed Rarity talks differently with Sweetie Bell and not with a whole lot of dramatic flair in the show?
i could be mistaken.
Looking forward to the next chapter i can see after a wild spike warming up to her and twice might eventually teach her some basic spells