I'll put this in my read later. Just busy with a story right now. Also if your first story doesn't get the kind of attention you thought, don't feel discouraged about it, use whatever criticism you get to make your next one better. From one writer to another, practice will make your next stories better.

I like it keep it up

I like were it going keep it up

4466513 thanks, I try my best.

4467013 That's the spirit.

i like it :) it has alot of potential :D

There is a word for your hugest problem, well, actually, three words:

I'll read this again after work has been done in it but until then...

Iwt newds moawr!

In the beginning it was fine, but the lack of " and proper spelling, punctuation, and paragraphs make this quite difficult to read. Not to be rude, but even when I was a horny 13 year old writing really corny furry yiff stories they had better quality. Best thing to do is read a lot of other stories, and try to imitate their quality. Read and notice how their story is paragraphed and spaced out, because walls of text are very annoying to read(even though this is a wall of text lol). Also don't do

YES!!!

people don't speak like that, one ! is fine. This story and you have potential, so keep at it. [edit]: there's an authors note option by the way. You should probably use it, y'know.... for authors notes.

4470014 Well, the story is going through some MAJOR editing right now.

4470431 Okay so I finally read it and it has some problems.
1. No quotation marks.
2. It's a run-on all the way through. It's good that you have an editor(I would assume since you said it was being edited at the moment)

You have to space out you paragraph's or it just looks like a run-on. That makes it very confusing to read, not to mention that the reader has to figure out him/her-self where the last paragraph starts, and stops.

Now I'm not saying the story is bad, I'm saying it needs work on the presentation.

O.k.fine sir, you need an editor. Not just somepony you know of, but a legit editor, or one of the mods of the site could do it...
Until then, this is going to stay on my READ LATER list thank you very much.

Btw, you gave me a headache

4494566 I have an editor. A LEGIT editor. He has trying to be working on it, but doesn't have the time, so just wait. The grammar will be better soon.

Okay, I have a problem that YOU need to fix. All of your editing was NOT done by TRE, as the first half was done by ME. The Color Nine was your editor, and guess who this is? I just have a new face is all. So, I would appreciate it if you FIXED that. Let me reiterate for those of you that read this: TRE only did the last half. If you look, you can see where mine ended and his began. So, TAG, FIX THIS. I want my hard work to be MY hard work, and not soembody else's. And, TRE, no hard feelings. It was HIS fault, and not yours.

4629804 there you go. I fixed it up.

busblog.tonypierce.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/obama-not-bad-l.png
Still minor errors here and there but much, much better.

4467013 did I hear some one call for some help on a fic