Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy finally reached the carousel boutique.
“why do you think that Rarity knows something off it?” Fluttershy asked.
“well, she’s got a lot of contact with other ponies. So, you know, she probably heard off it. And, because she’s curious and stuff, well, she probably asked somepony.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Why don’t you just ask somepony?” Fluttershy said.
She had a real good point with this. Was it really that easy? Just ask somepony?
“well, I’m going to ask somepony?” Rainbow said.
“yes, but you’re not sure or she knows it. you could ask Lily. She knows it for sure.”
And again a good point.
“listen. You know, just like me, that I had to deal with bullies at flycamp. I know everything about bullies. I studied them. Learned stuff from them. And if there is one thing that I know for sure, is that bullies who are giggling and laughing like that…” and she pointed at two random mares who were staring at them “…never gonna tell the reason why they’re laughing. Because they know that when I know it, the fun will be over. They laugh with the fact that they know something that I don’t know. So if I know it, I can do something about it, and stop it. and that is just the thing that they don’t want. So they keep it a secret for me.” Rainbow raged.
Fluttershy looked at Rainbow Dash. She barely heard something about this monologue. She was daydreaming, ‘sigh, Rainbow looks good when she’s anger.’
“sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.” Rainbow apologised.
“it’s okay.” Fluttershy said softly. “I kinda understand you. But, don’t you think you take this to serious?”
“to serious?” she took her friend by the shoulder. “almost whole Ponyville is laughing at me! It’s killing me!”
Fluttershy looked deep into the magenta eyes. ‘so good…’ she thought.
Rainbow pulled back. “I’m sorry Flutters. I…”
“It’s okay Rainbow. Really. Don’t feel bad about it. you’re emotional right now, and I’ll help you dealing with it. even if it means that you have to yell now and then.”
“Thanks Flutters. Thank you.” She hugged her best friend. “you’re my best friend.”
‘just friends?’ Fluttershy thought. After a few moments, they were still hugging. ‘I hope that she gets more trouble like this. It makes her emotional unstable. I like it.’
Rainbow pulled back. “come one. Lets check out or Rarity knows something useful.”
“I’m right behind you.” Fluttershy whispered.
*****
“the room was blood red with paintings off flames. Goats who were dressed like soldiers, armoured with pitchforks. In the centre of the room, there was a big throne made out off sculls. On top off it, the ugly mare was yelling at hundreds of slaves. The ugly mare was dressed with only a pants made of goat fur. Her horn, shimmers in the light that came from the torches at every wall in the room. After she gave her commands, she took her mirror and watched her own, terrible reflection. She regarded herself like the god off gossip. As soon as two mares approached the ….”
“Rainbow. Why are you telling this?” Fluttershy interrupted.
Rainbow smiled. “sorry, couldn’t let it.”
The two mares entered the boutique. In the shop were Flora and Cloud Kicker, looking between the dresses. Rainbow sighed. “you know what Fluttershy, why don’t you start looking for Rarity. I’ve got to talk a bit with Cloud Kicker about the weather schedule for tomorrow.”
Fluttershy nodded and walked upstairs.
Rainbow Dash flew toward Cloud Kicker. “hay, Clouds, I’ve got a quick question about tomorrow. Do you …” she didn’t get any farther than that, because she got interrupted by an awful giggle from both of them. “yeah, yeah. Haha… Rainbow Dash is here. Oh that’s funny.” Rainbow said annoyed.
“Rainbow…” Clouds started. “I don’t think that you have to come tomorrow.”
“what?” Rainbow Dash asked confused.
“don’t misunderstand me…” she giggled a bit louder. “it’s for your own good.”
“yeah, because not everypony wants to work with a pony like you.” Flora continued.
Rainbow Dash was even more confused. “what do you mean? I’m awesome. Everypony wants to work with me.”
“but not at you” Flora whispered. This made both mares even laugh harder.
“are you all insane or something?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“now, but some are not that tolerant.” Clouds said.
‘Tolerant?’ Rainbow Dash thought. ‘that’s what Rose told me earlier today’
“anyway, I get you off from the weather plan for a while.” Clouds said.
“What?” Rainbow Dash yelled. “seriously?! But I need to do this work. I need the money!”
“belief me Dash. It’s for your own good.” Flora said.
“for my own good? How am I supposed to get food without a job?”
“you can always live with Fluttershy for a while.” Clouds smirked. And the two mares trotted toward the exit.
“I guess so. But that’s not the point. Give my one reason why you would pull me back!” Rainbow raged.
“you know why. For what you are Dash. For what you are.”
And with that, the two pegasi left the confused Rainbow alone.
Fluttershy entered a random door in the big hallway. And it seems like she was lucky, because she found Rarity immediately.
“why, hello darling. How are you doing?” Rarity asked. She sat in her inspiration/bed room. Probably designing new clothes. (but that’s pretty useless, because she already has a new clothing line for the next fifteen seasons)
“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” Fluttershy responded. “how are you?”
“well, I’m fine, too. I’m actually buzy with…” Rarity trailed off when Rainbow Dash entered the room. “Rainbow Dash… euh… can I talk to you in private?”
Rainbow looked at Fluttershy and then, back to Rarity. “sure, go ahead.”
“well, this is something that you…” Rarity said before Dash interrupted her.
“No, Fluttershy can hear it too.”
“why, okay then…” Rarity said surprised. She came from her seat and trotted a bit closer. “Is it true?” she asked.
“what do you mean?”
Rarity sighed. “How will I say this, euh… are you…euh… this is not easy,” she ticked on her muzzle. Than, she looked like she had an idea. “Rainbow Dash. Are you gay?”
Rainbow Dash was stunned. “what?”
I wanted to give this story a chance. I really did. The problem, though, was that the first chapter alone was so riddled with issues that I can't honestly find any enjoyment in it.
The first issue takes place so early on in the chapter, it's amazing how it was missed.
This is a grammatical error, and it's so basic I'm surprised it slipped by your editor. "While Angel and Winona were playing a game together" is not a proper sentence. The "while" at the start makes it a part of the sentence before it and prevents the fragment from being able to stand on its own. The sentences should read something like this:
That's not mentioning the storytelling fact that Applejack and Fluttershy all but disappear from the scene after the first sentence of the story. Seriously, it's as if you thought that since they weren't relevant to the moment, they were worth nothing more than a passing mention.
...that's great. What were AJ and Flutters doing? Were they playing along with their pets? Were they sitting off to the side and watching? Were they talking with each other about something? Or did something come up with them and they asked Dash to watch their pets while they took care of it? It's important that, if you start to build a scene, you finish building and not leave pieces of the structure sitting off to the side.
There are other issues throughout the chapter, but this one stuck out to me the most because it absolutely ruined any semblance of immersion I could've had before I had a chance to get it. Honestly, I would consider either getting an editor to double-check your proofreader, or possibly firing your current proofreader and finding a new one.
4682569 you know why I let AJ and fluttershy disapear? I didn't won't the mature tag.
just kidding. I'm working at it. and other stuff too. I have so much to do that I wrote these chapters after midnight. and I do have a new editor, but he's new her. so give him some time. and he has other stuff to do too. it will become better. just wait, let the magic happen and this will be the best story EVER KNOWN. IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND! It will... ah. who am I fooling. this is my fourth story. and all my stories are hated. some guys and girls are nice... but...
I'm trailing off...
there is one more story I've got. I'm working at it. it needs all my time. when I'm ready, I'll send you it. if that one get's even more hate, I'll quit.
I was already down, and now I'm deprest...
schizofrenie...
I DON'T CARE!
(about the hate, i meen. I'll work at that thing when I've got time)
I'm not a fan of lesbian/gay shippings, but I'm interested to see how this plays out.
4701785 Okay. Thanks for your intrest.
4702198 Welcome!
4682613 well now I feel bad for getting offended because my mom is alesbian. Hell, sometimes I think that M a lesbian. I am probably bi, but thats unimportant.
I a so so sorry for being offended by this offending fic.
I shouldnt have.
I am so fricking sorry.
Damn me to the frozen lands of Hel now.
Damn nordish ness beliefs.
Itsnot the entirety of my religion.
I have a very mixed one...
I am rambling.
Sorry.
*walks away*