As soon as i laid down it felt like laying water. That reminds me... shoot i for got to feed tank silly me wouldnt forget about the most awesomest pet in the world! I let my mind wander for a bit thinking about how everybody felt and did while i was saving and talking about stuff- who new saving the world was this tiring if i was going to, i mean thinking about it drains me. Now that i think about it I'm starting to act like twilight, man that's so not cool, i mean shes cool and all but shes a bit nerdy.
"What do you think about going on this quest Tank?" Maybe i should, i mean would i even be helping or would i get in the way of Soarin if he was doing anything. Don't want to look like a fool in front of the wonder bolts do i? Man i just have to let the shadow stuff go and live on yah know?
Jeez I'm better hit the hay. I walked over to the night stand and turned the lamp on and snuggled into bed while fantasized how things could have gone during the past few days. I realized what i really felt for Soarin at this moment-annoyance. is every thing going smoothly for applejack. And the rest of my friends have they been captured? Maybe I'm worrying to much. Self STOP worrying about that stuff!!
As soon as I got up i got this nasty taste in my mouth and my throat was dry. Glad I got some sleep till 12 pm! But still I should stay home and not visit my now worried best friends.
No i think I'm going to just go to Ponyville just like this just to scare them and get smothered with treats and hugs! Man what a friend i am. I thought as i flew out the door with some money in my bag in case i got hungry and they didn't smother me with pie. which reminds me i have to come up with an awesome cover up story with apple jack so i can tell everypony I'm alright. what i did is no ponies concern I'm forgetting one way or the other if there was an other.
"sup AJ, how was the da-"
"Finally your back!"Apple jack said with a loud voice and a hoof over my muzzle.
"I'v been back I just went to clouds dale to talk with soar-" I got interrupted again.
"So your together now!" Aj said in her southern gleeful voice. i mean who can't resist the urge to just copy that annoying voice! i thought playfully.
"No? Why would you think that?"I asked questioningly.
" Cuz spitfire flew around Ponyville and tellin about Soarin dumping her-I mean she was furious!" Apple replied. And she thought about me, of course. I doubt that happened. But i just carried on with the 'news'.
"oh, well I don't know what to say i didnt' know that." I said accusingly. She might be jealous self be on guard because a jealous Applejack is an evil pony.
"I'll tell yah what yah ask Soarin out and i will get us some ice cream- go I wont be long." Some thing was up she doesn't just randomly ask to go fix me up with Soarin and go get ice cream. might as well investigate what happened. Nah that's just to much work i'll go get her something instead.
It didn't take long for me to find something for this situation. Shops every where had friendship stuff and what not. But i cant just didn't get something every day.
Okay just have to surprise her with something special. How bout some cheap but cool friendship necklace. then it dawned on me. why do we want a stallion to complete us we have each other? how bout i get us two necklace one for me and one for her!
As i flew over to applejack on the road she was talking to some guy. What is she already dating another person? or is she just talking hard to tell which.
"Umm apple jack?' i said.
"Yes, oh yeah i got this and the ice cream and uh Water melons I guess?" she replied with a bag in here mouth.
"Oh I see yah don't like Soarin and you bought me this?!?" I said confused as we found a nice spot under a tree. I didn't under stand whats not tuh like about him?
"yeah- and he was talkative while we went out for lunch- I tried to like him but couldn't- yah know what I mean?" dash replied with a ice cream shoved her mouth. sometimes her talking was annoying to.
"oh yeah I know boys, and there thoughts" I said. The thought of loving again hurt me it was to painful to think about all the things the things the wonder bolt said was a lie just to get another pony jealous.
"Dash I have to tell you the truth. angel lightening broke up -with me and the relationship w-was a lie!" I sobbed. the memories hurt and now that I got it off my chest I felt free if that made sense. and the hole in my heart closed a little but didn't heal-it was a forever scar.
"Aww apple I know how it feels, its like we want to sucker punch them in face and rip there hearts out! I'v dealt with it before and promise me I went straight up to him and gave him a peice of my mind!!" she replied with sturn look on her face.
"thanks I guess I finally realized that we don't need stallions to be part of our life we have each other!" I said thoughtfully.
"now don't turn soft on m-" she said with a raised voice.
'what- what tell me!' I yelled at her. some times I was confused when she turned to the rock hard dash that seemed that she didn't have feelings. I saw her frightened eyes and turned around.
I saw it as soon as I turned around: a shadow that was as big as a tree. it was coming towards rainbow dash at lightening speed and took her traveling around from tree to blades of grass carrying her like a rag doll. running to save my friend as fast as i could but the moment was gone as the shadow creeped from plant to plant then disappearing into the woods.
Apple jack
I couldn't believe my eyes! my friend was took by a shadow and I did nothing. the hole in my chest widen as my only close friend was taken- gone and I knew I couldn't go after her and save her.
I just sat there and thought about why I just let it take her. Tears where rolling down my face like streams. Mainly caused by the mixed feelings about life. I cant understand why life is so cruel. Some times I cant take it. I just want to go away for once and a while just to get away from all this trouble.
The grass under my hooves was soft and sweet. The sweet smells of apples washed over me calming me and louring me. It almost felt peaceful-but not enough.
I walked over to the picnic set up and took the knife from the bag. I thought of all the pain I went through. Thinking how selfish and why I wanted to die like this. I guess its just a big mystery I cant grow over.
I plunged the knife into my chest. Every thing went dark and blank.
Definitely a good start for your first story!
Yes, there are grammatical, spelling, and general flow issues. Sometimes the point of view changes within the same few sentences. But these are all easily fixed and not long-term issues in my opinion, so I try not to judge a story based on them.
By the description, I was intrigued by the very believable plot of Rainbow Dash rescuing Soarin too easily and realizing that she's "too cool for school (or Soarin)". RD is the type of pony that I can see having a crush on the idea of having a crush, but once actually nearing or in a relationship growing bored. She is the type of pony that has little patience for even the slightest irritations. One too many indecisive "I don't know - what do you want to do?" and she'd be out of there.
The current chapter's ending (reflections)... Yikes!! Is it that Applejack was affected by the shadows that she knifed herself, or that she was still so hurt by the break-up that being unable to react in time to Rainbow's abduction was too much to handle? Either way, that reaction makes me (There is an unintentional, subtle pun in that spoiler that I am now going to claim was intended.)
My advice in the following order:
1) Keep it up and don't mind the dislikes! The only way to improve is to keep writing. Everyone has to start somewhere and few people knock it out of the park on their first try. Some people forget that they too were once prone to mistakes when they were just starting out. I know I was a horrible writer when I was young!
2) Focus on slowing your pacing. An editor can help with spelling and grammar, but the plot and pacing are up to you. I am intrigued by the plot but the pacing is a little rushed. Take your time with scenes and let the reader enjoy as much as they can get from you.
3) Find the aforementioned editor. Since they're doing it for free, they may not edit at the speed you write, so try to keep that in mind! The important part about this step is not simply applying their edits, but learning from them so that you can improve your own writing.
C.W.