Star Ship Unity

by Ponyess

A New Expedition: 2

Author's Note:

Twilight Sparkle's POV

“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as the door opened up, the purple Alicorn looking out.

“Dash, what got you so excited?” I responded.

“Just a find worthy of Daring Doo. We found old ruins, but it left us confused, there is something strange to them. Aside from looking as if they had been built and buried just the other day!” she pointed out.

“Wait, one does not build ruins. You know that much, Dashie!” I responded.

“Hay, even Ditzy knew that much!” Dash responded in indignation.

“Let’s see if I get what you said, then. You found ruins of an ancient city in the middle of nowhere, mostly covered over with sand?” I responde.

“It looks like and ancient city, but since they are buried in sand and had been abandoned, for all we could see. That would make this into ruins, as pristine and well preserved as they appeared to us!” she clarified.

“So, for all intents and purposes, it is an ancient ruin you found. Certainly sounds like an interesting adventure to explore, for all I care!” I pointed out.

“Yes, Twilight. An ancient ruin looking as if it could have some significance. You would love seeing this for sure!” Dashie exclaimed.

“Do you suggest we all go there, right away?” I responded.

“Buck, yeah. From what we sa, this is the exploration of a lifetime. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. For one, even Flutter Shy may actually enjoy it!” she continued.

“Some small preparations should be in order, going off without preparing is never wise, you know!” I pointed out in turn.

“How about you write a message to Princess Celestia, for starters? Then I could gather our friends while you wait for the response, assuming it comes in today?” she offered.

“These ruins are not likely to go anywhere any time soon, but if you gather our friends while I send the message, we can discuss the subject while waiting!” I countered.

“Sounds like a deal to me, Twilight. Then I gather our friends while you write, I know you would appreciate the piece and quiet, while writing anyway!” she continued.

“Now, that is considerate and thoughtful of you, Dashie!” I responded.

“I can be considerate, from time to time. Even Pinkie has proven to manage the feat!” she shut back in a teasing tone as I left her behind to dictate the message to Celestia while I gathered our friends.

---

“Spike, could you take a new message for Celestia, please?” I enquired.

“Sure, I could spare a moment for you!” Spike announced, quill in hand, as the parchment floated towards him.

--- --- ---

Comments

[BioniclesaurKing4t2]

You say it's Twilight's perspective, yet you seem to shift to Rainbow Dash's perspective halfway through; try to keep an eye on that. Also, it can be helpful to run through a line of dialogue in the intended character's voice to try and get a feel of how they would say it, as not too many lines have matched up to their characters. And I suggest a readthrough or two to catch spelling/grammar mistakes. Just some tips to keep in mind going forward and in general.

Best line so far:

"Wait, one doesn’t build ruins."

That one's a gem.

[Ponyess]

5406967 Thanks for letting me know, I think I fixed the problem now.
I just had to locate who was to actually say what.
Then I addes a few more lines to make it flow better, aside from a second correction.

[BioniclesaurKing4t2]

5407113

“Some small preparations [...], you know!” she pointed out in turn.

Think you missed just one.

[Ponyess]

5407127 Aw thanks.
Yeah, I sure did miss that one.
Just ridiculously easy to pick up on, once you mentioned it.
Firstly the line itself, which screamed "Twilight Sparkle", but it was between two Dashie lines as well.
One more step towards a good story, at least.

[hailstone clash]

If you would like me to be an editor email me at [e-mail] and i would love to help. This story line is great, but i want to make the grammer just 20% Coolah.

[Ponyess]

5692809 I went over your suggestions, I think I got most of them right. Thanks.
5692837 Grammar would definitely be a decided improvement.
Yet, the thing that would pull in the most readers right now, would be a new chapter on over 1,000 words.

I'm considering which kinds of Ponies they are going to meet, on the other side.

[hailstone clash]

5694899 I will send you a few ideas if you want them. Just ask and I will put in my two (or more) bits.

[Ponyess]

5697279 I'm listening. Any idea that could make the story shine is wort something.