I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP
A Day of weather-duty, turning up more than what Rainbow Dash had been asked to pull off. A discovery well outside of both her experience and expectation.
What was half by half buried is an Ancient City, dating back to before Celestia, Discord and Ponykind itself.
If this is the key to history or a curse way over their heads?
Crossover: Star Gate - Atlantis
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You say it's Twilight's perspective, yet you seem to shift to Rainbow Dash's perspective halfway through; try to keep an eye on that. Also, it can be helpful to run through a line of dialogue in the intended character's voice to try and get a feel of how they would say it, as not too many lines have matched up to their characters. And I suggest a readthrough or two to catch spelling/grammar mistakes. Just some tips to keep in mind going forward and in general.
Best line so far:
That one's a gem.
5406967 Thanks for letting me know, I think I fixed the problem now.
I just had to locate who was to actually say what.
Then I addes a few more lines to make it flow better, aside from a second correction.
5407113
Think you missed just one.
5407127 Aw thanks.
Yeah, I sure did miss that one.
Just ridiculously easy to pick up on, once you mentioned it.
Firstly the line itself, which screamed "Twilight Sparkle", but it was between two Dashie lines as well.
One more step towards a good story, at least.
(Soaring had followed me down the second time around.) its Sorin, just so you can fix it, and get more views.
(Looking at the two, I have to agree, the Apples doesn’t fall all that far from the Tree.) And its singular for apple or doesn't should be changed to don't.
(“Soarin, what do you say about this?”) Change to *think of*
(“I do not know. This falls well outside of my experience!” he responded.) Change to *don't* fir the first bold set, and the second bold should be *way*
(“Me neither. Maybe sending a message to Twilight?” Ditzy pondered.) Change to *we should send*
Would you mind letting me be an editor? Not only do i like doing this, but i am fluent in Equine grammer. (Plus i get to reads zee stories sooners... lol)
If you would like me to be an editor email me at agartristen@yahoo.com and i would love to help. This story line is great, but i want to make the grammer just 20% Coolah.
5692809 I went over your suggestions, I think I got most of them right. Thanks.
5692837 Grammar would definitely be a decided improvement.
Yet, the thing that would pull in the most readers right now, would be a new chapter on over 1,000 words.
I'm considering which kinds of Ponies they are going to meet, on the other side.
5694899 I will send you a few ideas if you want them. Just ask and I will put in my two (or more
) bits.
5697279 I'm listening. Any idea that could make the story shine is wort something.
#FinishTheFics We need more of this!!! There is like 0 StarGate cross overs that are finished!!!
7872892
Yes, i know, everypony just dropped connection tho
hay do more chapters i like where this is going