Eugh. This fic is pretty much proof that you need more than correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation to write effectively. Sentences are redundant and trite, the flow is terrible, and it takes forever to get to the point. Plus there's a ton of handwaves about the mares not noticing the completely obvious after about halfway in. The overuse of fandom cliches doesn't help either, and there's pretty much nothing interesting because there's nothing original. I'd recommend cutting this chapter into half its length and doing complete rewrites on whole paragraphs at minimum.
Hahahaha, this was some quality lol so far, and as it seems, proofread by a generous individual too! So that other comment is invalid. Hah!
A few months earlier I observed a sudden, and for me, unwanted appearance of Rarity-cow pictures on certain sites... so far this is the only thing I can use to explain that phenomen.
But anyway! This story should be continued, thumbs up and fave!
4382503 I mostly agree, except for the fandom clichés part. Honestly, when your entire story is based on fandom clichés, it only makes to include as many as possible.
Eugh. This fic is pretty much proof that you need more than correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation to write effectively. Sentences are redundant and trite, the flow is terrible, and it takes forever to get to the point. Plus there's a ton of handwaves about the mares not noticing the completely obvious after about halfway in. The overuse of fandom cliches doesn't help either, and there's pretty much nothing interesting because there's nothing original.
I'd recommend cutting this chapter into half its length and doing complete rewrites on whole paragraphs at minimum.
Hahahaha, this was some quality lol so far, and as it seems, proofread by a generous individual too! So that other comment is invalid. Hah!
A few months earlier I observed a sudden, and for me, unwanted appearance of Rarity-cow pictures on certain sites... so far this is the only thing I can use to explain that phenomen.
But anyway!
This story should be continued, thumbs up and fave!
-Zeph
4382503 I mostly agree, except for the fandom clichés part. Honestly, when your entire story is based on fandom clichés, it only makes to include as many as possible.
Please dont tell me Rarity isnt gonna become Hamburgers?
A nice little slow transformation, I think the only thing one could consider missing was any mention of her putting on the weight of a cow.