It's Time to MANNE UP!

by ConnorTempest

Welcome, Lambs, to the Slaughter! I Won't Lie to You: You're going to Die! (The Final Offensive)

WARNING: EXPECT ODD HUMOR!!!!
Oh, and for story purposes the pyro will be mail (purpose)...if only for humor

It has been two months since Saxton Hale authorized the offense against the Gray Gravel Co. And to put it bluntly, Mann Co. was absolutely owning the fight.

"Nothin' butta' buncha' show ponies!"

"Couldn't ya see tha' bloody bombs!"

"HA! You got Owned!"

"If god had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!"

"I'm done playin' games with you, boy."

"Ey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! Oh, man, this is great!"

"Haha! Vat a bloodbasz!"

"Is good time to run, cowards!"

"Mmmmmmmrrrrrrrpppghhh!"

"This will be the last time you see me."

"Well done. You've all made Saxton proud."

Gray Mann grimaced at the monitor. Ever since one of his stupid robots destroyed Hale's Yeti Steak Sandvich the giant Australian had ordered a full offensive to retake his company, and now they were on his door step. He looked over to one of his Mecha-engies and asked it,"Tell me why nine pitiful mercenaries are somehow able to take on my army of thousands of robots, designed to act and look exactly like said mercenaries?!"

"~BZZZT...Loading Answer...CALCULATING....ERRORR! ERRORR! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

With that the Mecha-engi's head unit exploded with a rain of cash. The Mecha-engi nearest it then roared to life, "~BZZZZT...MK. II active."

With a sigh Gray sat down his face in his hands. until he felt a metallic thudding on his shoulder, it was Count Clunker, his first and only giant Mecha-engineer. Somehow the count was able to download emotions...and really accurate human interactions. "Mr. Mann? I have an idea." Desperate for anything, he told the count to continue. "Well, thus far the mercenaries have been impossible to kill or get past, so perhaps we should stop trying to kill them--"

"Dear Clunkers, that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard....elaborate."

"Sir, our attempts so far have been aimed at rushing bases and shoving a pinpoint tactical thermo-nuclear warhead down a death-star video-game weak-spot at major Mann Co. location, with the primary objective being to get the bomb to the point."

"Yes, yes; your point?"

"My point is that we are targeting something that is defended and not the defenders, but ever the few bots that try that fail. So I propose that instead of killing them, as that seems to failed again and again, we remove them."

"Hmm....interesting...how should we go about this then?"

"Simple, remember when the Mercs took time off from the robot front? Of course you do, anyway they left due to your brothers arguing again."

"WAIT WHAT?! I KILLED THEM...didn't I?"

"Yes, but their ghosts still were having hissy fits and ordered the mercs to send the other brother to hell...literally...via portal that they uncovered."

"So your suggesting we just toss the Mercs into this hellportal?"

"Not quite sir, the Hell portal closed, but the research team, and by that I mean me, have developed a dimension ripping bomb, only works on organics though."

"Yes...this is good, I'll approve of it, Count Clunkers, you're in charge of this little mission! Dismissed."

As the count walked away, Gray rubbed his hands together, finally he had a way to rid himself of these filthy mercs.

---

~~~

---

"MANN UP YA FILTHY CASUALS!" Scout yelled as he tapped the disembodied head of a heavy-bot with his Sandman.

"Attention!," a loud voiced boomed from the speakers of Mann co. It was the Announcer, "Saxton Hale has--what are you doing here!?" After a bit of buzzing and mic interference a new voice roared from the speakers...an Australian voice. "SAXTON HALE HERE! The bloody robots managed to keep me from my hard-earned, bloody, screaming, dying dinner which I waited for months to rip the flesh out of! And that REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Remember when I said you'd have to be paying for the new prototypes? WELL FORGET IT! I'm sending you our newest, best, and strongest gear, and you do your jobs and take back my company....and if you can bring me another yeti! The gear will be delivered by the end of the day."

"Vell...he's finally taking Gray out...vat fun zis vill be!" the medic said aloud.

"Да. We crush tiny baby man and his tin toys." the heavy agreed heartily.

"Enough talk, y'all better get in yer machines, we gotta get ready fer the big day." said the engineer, the pyro next to him nodding with a "Mrrmmph!"

And so they called it a day and when to their machines. What wonderful things they are. Built by Radigan Conagher, these machines, well they were more like pods, anyway these 'pods' took genetic information, spliced it into a 'blank' slate of flesh and transferred it. These 'filled' slates were controlled by the user of the pod and multiple could be controlled at a single time. Hale had Conagher make these soon as he learned about Redmond and Blutarch's little...debate. On the offset, these 'copies' were never close to the skill the mercs normally showed, but when it was RED versus BLU that really didn't matter, it boiled down to which brother paid more for what location, simple as that. Now that their jobs were on the line, the mercs didn't really take kind to the Gray Gravel Co. Lucky for them the robots bled money...literally.

~~~

The next day the gear arrived, sealed in a rather large...tank..."Soooo...how'dya think we open it?" asked the scout.

The Pyro placed a hand on scouts chest as he walked past him, cracking his fingers as he did, "Hudda ha, hud hurd erherda, Hut-Ta!" and with that he taps the tank with a bubble wand. And the tank slowly opens.

"I will never understand you partner, but I will always be glad yer on our team." said his friend, the engineer.

Inside the large tank, which looked as though it was made of concrete, held their gear, Saxton Hale's new 'prototypes'. They were Australium Weapons, and a note...written in hippy blood. It said, Dear Mercs, We took your old weapons and added some Australian to them, these are on par if not better than those old prototypes that you used to buy as 'upgrades'. In the back are some dead hippies...don't mind them...that's and order.

"These are what God would use to shoot somebody."

From inside a voice rang out, "HEY! TAVISH HELP ME....HEADDSSS....."

The Demo walked up and reached into the pile of weapons, pulling out a sword, "Oi! Eyelander, ye never gleamed like that before! Yar soo shiny...And I'm sooo drunk!"

"WELL...SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE...BUT PYRO DID, CHECK HIM OUT!" The cursed sword said.

Heads turned toward the Pyro, now clad in a new suit, made of Australium.

"WAIT! When did he change?" asked a scout.

The Pyro just looked at him and tilted his head raising his shoulders, "Mmmphya harrgh mrgha hrghgph...mrhada...ha."

After screwing around with their gear they decided to head on back to their chambers for a rest, customize their new toys while they had the time.

---

~~~

---

The next day was an odd battle, the TEAM decided not to use copies this time, they needed all they had, respawn times were killer too. The Mercs were about Kilo away from the door of Gray Gravel Co. ready to finally kill the asshole that almost took their jobs, and they brought EVERYTHING, so pretty much their bags that could hold a ridiculous amounts of things, Dimension packs! The mission itself went easy...FAR, FAR too easy, until they came upon Sargent Critz and Captain Punch...and about 200 pink, flashing Sentrybusters.

At that point a screen with Gray popped up. "Hello you pesky mercenaries."

Pyro waved, "HUDDA!"

"...Okay...anyway, I've been growing tired of you preventing me from taking Mann Co. so I try to kill you. That doesn't work, so now I'm going to say bye-bye!" Gray said as he was about to push a red button in front of him.

Pyro waved again, "Hud-Ha!"

*BEEP*

*TICK*

*TICK*

*TICK*

*TICK*

*TICK**TICK**TICK**TICK**TICK**TICK*

*BOOM*

Author's Note:

Short Chapter, Rushed, I know...but it's 3:03 AM and I am Tuckered out. Plus I wanted to Begin the story arcs....yay for exposition...BIGGER YAY FOR EXPLOSITION!!

Comments

[IAMCHEEZY]

This *gasp, is *gasp AMAZING!!!!

[Radioactive Dragon]

4259217 u look like doge but u are not doge WHAT IS THIS WORLD!?

[Dismay]

Ahhem
Mercs are RED
robots are BLU
welp I gotta say Checkmate