Our Favorite Mercs are teleported to Equestria when Gray Mann gets desperate.
Mann Co. is slowly pushing back the robotic attacks, and Gray Mann becomes desperate to find a way to eliminate those pesky mercs working for Mann Co. Unfortunately for the mercs, Gray is a genius and not a complete idiot like his two brothers, who still are bickering in hell...literally. Using his brains and massive amounts of cash...and army of robots, he plans on ridding himself of the mercs for good using a new kind of bomb.
Meanwhile, Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co, faces his greatest challenge yet; keeping his shirt on while murdering countless robots, that stole his Sandvich...edible device.
*SIDE NOTE: For full enjoyment, some knowledge of TF2 and Killing Floor is recommended.*
Welcome, Lambs, to the Slaughter! I Won't Lie to You: You're going to Die! (The Final Offensive)
WARNING: EXPECT ODD HUMOR!!!! Oh, and for story purposes the pyro will be mail (purpose)...if only for humor
It has been two months since Saxton Hale authorized the offense against the Gray Gravel Co. And to put it bluntly, Mann Co. was absolutely owning the fight.
"Nothin' butta' buncha' show ponies!"
"Couldn't ya see tha' bloody bombs!"
"HA! You got Owned!"
"If god had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!"
"I'm done playin' games with you, boy."
"Ey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! Oh, man, this is great!"
"Haha! Vat a bloodbasz!"
"Is good time to run, cowards!"
"Mmmmmmmrrrrrrrpppghhh!"
"This will be the last time you see me."
"Well done. You've all made Saxton proud."
Gray Mann grimaced at the monitor. Ever since one of his stupid robots destroyed Hale's Yeti Steak Sandvich the giant Australian had ordered a full offensive to retake his company, and now they were on his door step. He looked over to one of his Mecha-engies and asked it,"Tell me why nine pitiful mercenaries are somehow able to take on my army of thousands of robots, designed to act and look exactly like said mercenaries?!"
With that the Mecha-engi's head unit exploded with a rain of cash. The Mecha-engi nearest it then roared to life, "~BZZZZT...MK. II active."
With a sigh Gray sat down his face in his hands. until he felt a metallic thudding on his shoulder, it was Count Clunker, his first and only giant Mecha-engineer. Somehow the count was able to download emotions...and really accurate human interactions. "Mr. Mann? I have an idea." Desperate for anything, he told the count to continue. "Well, thus far the mercenaries have been impossible to kill or get past, so perhaps we should stop trying to kill them--"
"Dear Clunkers, that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard....elaborate."
"Sir, our attempts so far have been aimed at rushing bases and shoving a pinpoint tactical thermo-nuclear warhead down a death-star video-game weak-spot at major Mann Co. location, with the primary objective being to get the bomb to the point."
"Yes, yes; your point?"
"My point is that we are targeting something that is defended and not the defenders, but ever the few bots that try that fail. So I propose that instead of killing them, as that seems to failed again and again, we remove them."
"Hmm....interesting...how should we go about this then?"
"Simple, remember when the Mercs took time off from the robot front? Of course you do, anyway they left due to your brothers arguing again."
"WAIT WHAT?! I KILLED THEM...didn't I?"
"Yes, but their ghosts still were having hissy fits and ordered the mercs to send the other brother to hell...literally...via portal that they uncovered."
"So your suggesting we just toss the Mercs into this hellportal?"
"Not quite sir, the Hell portal closed, but the research team, and by that I mean me, have developed a dimension ripping bomb, only works on organics though."
"Yes...this is good, I'll approve of it, Count Clunkers, you're in charge of this little mission! Dismissed."
As the count walked away, Gray rubbed his hands together, finally he had a way to rid himself of these filthy mercs.
~~~
"MANN UP YA FILTHY CASUALS!" Scout yelled as he tapped the disembodied head of a heavy-bot with his Sandman.
"Attention!," a loud voiced boomed from the speakers of Mann co. It was the Announcer, "Saxton Hale has--what are you doing here!?" After a bit of buzzing and mic interference a new voice roared from the speakers...an Australian voice. "SAXTON HALE HERE! The bloody robots managed to keep me from my hard-earned, bloody, screaming, dying dinner which I waited for months to rip the flesh out of! And that REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Remember when I said you'd have to be paying for the new prototypes? WELL FORGET IT! I'm sending you our newest, best, and strongest gear, and you do your jobs and take back my company....and if you can bring me another yeti! The gear will be delivered by the end of the day."
"Vell...he's finally taking Gray out...vat fun zis vill be!" the medic said aloud.
"Да. We crush tiny baby man and his tin toys." the heavy agreed heartily.
"Enough talk, y'all better get in yer machines, we gotta get ready fer the big day." said the engineer, the pyro next to him nodding with a "Mrrmmph!"
And so they called it a day and when to their machines. What wonderful things they are. Built by Radigan Conagher, these machines, well they were more like pods, anyway these 'pods' took genetic information, spliced it into a 'blank' slate of flesh and transferred it. These 'filled' slates were controlled by the user of the pod and multiple could be controlled at a single time. Hale had Conagher make these soon as he learned about Redmond and Blutarch's little...debate. On the offset, these 'copies' were never close to the skill the mercs normally showed, but when it was RED versus BLU that really didn't matter, it boiled down to which brother paid more for what location, simple as that. Now that their jobs were on the line, the mercs didn't really take kind to the Gray Gravel Co. Lucky for them the robots bled money...literally.
~~~
The next day the gear arrived, sealed in a rather large...tank..."Soooo...how'dya think we open it?" asked the scout.
The Pyro placed a hand on scouts chest as he walked past him, cracking his fingers as he did, "Hudda ha, hud hurd erherda, Hut-Ta!" and with that he taps the tank with a bubble wand. And the tank slowly opens.
"I will never understand you partner, but I will always be glad yer on our team." said his friend, the engineer.
Inside the large tank, which looked as though it was made of concrete, held their gear, Saxton Hale's new 'prototypes'. They were Australium Weapons, and a note...written in hippy blood. It said, Dear Mercs, We took your old weapons and added some Australian to them, these are on par if not better than those old prototypes that you used to buy as 'upgrades'. In the back are some dead hippies...don't mind them...that's and order.
"These are what God would use to shoot somebody."
From inside a voice rang out, "HEY! TAVISH HELP ME....HEADDSSS....."
The Demo walked up and reached into the pile of weapons, pulling out a sword, "Oi! Eyelander, ye never gleamed like that before! Yar soo shiny...And I'm sooo drunk!"
"WELL...SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE...BUT PYRO DID, CHECK HIM OUT!" The cursed sword said.
Heads turned toward the Pyro, now clad in a new suit, made of Australium.
"WAIT! When did he change?" asked a scout.
The Pyro just looked at him and tilted his head raising his shoulders, "Mmmphya harrgh mrgha hrghgph...mrhada...ha."
After screwing around with their gear they decided to head on back to their chambers for a rest, customize their new toys while they had the time.
~~~
The next day was an odd battle, the TEAM decided not to use copies this time, they needed all they had, respawn times were killer too. The Mercs were about Kilo away from the door of Gray Gravel Co. ready to finally kill the asshole that almost took their jobs, and they brought EVERYTHING, so pretty much their bags that could hold a ridiculous amounts of things, Dimension packs! The mission itself went easy...FAR, FAR too easy, until they came upon Sargent Critz and Captain Punch...and about 200 pink, flashing Sentrybusters.
At that point a screen with Gray popped up. "Hello you pesky mercenaries."
Pyro waved, "HUDDA!"
"...Okay...anyway, I've been growing tired of you preventing me from taking Mann Co. so I try to kill you. That doesn't work, so now I'm going to say bye-bye!" Gray said as he was about to push a red button in front of him.
The Team landed in a forest, though a dense jungle was a better way to describe it. The Pyro was the first to awake after the explosion. "Hudda huh ha, hudhrd hada." he groaned. After coming to his senses, he looked around him, a smile growing on his face.
Soon everyone was awake, only to find that they weren't human.
"Doctor, what is happening? Why are we...pony? And why you have horn? And scout wings?" asked a large brown pony.
"Vell...I do not know, I didn't do it. I don't zink at least." replied a white coated unicorn.
"So it AIN'T juss me taht tis seein' thins this time?" asked a overly drunk dark brown pony.
"Hey! I got wings, Neatto!" The blue pegasus happy with his new form.
"Ey guys! It's me, the Bombinomicon, Whoa! The hell happen to you guys?" asked the floating book...which was still a book. "I mean, Hell, look at ya. Heavy's a pony, Medic's a unicorn, Demo is a drunk pony, scout's a pegasus, soldier's a grey pegasus, Engi's a pony, sniper's a unicorn, spy's a unicorn and Pyro is...What the hell?"
The team looks over to the Pyro, who looked...just as he always did, but on all fours.
"So, we're all horses, and Pyro is still...Pyro, what happened to the freakin' bots?" asked Scout, "Soldier, you got any ideas?"
As the team faced Soldier they saw something that may haunt them forever...or at least for the night. Soldier was standing tall...with a smile, "AAHHAYAAHHAAYAHAYA! SCREAMIN' EGALES!" he shouted as he flew off in the sky.
"Hudhudda hur hud hudda." scolded the Pyro, he then pointed north, signaling for them to head that direction.
~~~
Meanwhile with the Wonderbolts...
For the next week or so the Wonderbolts would be in Ponyville, as this time Soarin picked the vacation spot and insisted to head here; something about pie. Of course when they got there the locals begged for a performance, and of course they said yes. Now they had about three days as things were set up to prep themselves and all-in-all just relax.
~~~
Meanwhile in Hell....
"You fell here first! I WIN!"
"Of course I didn't, what the gravel are you spouting, YOU were pushed down here before me!"
"OH SHUT UP YOU TWO!" The booming voice of Silas Mann (better known as the Horseless Headless Horsemann: HHH) roared.
Before they came, Silas admittedly was enjoying hell, until his idiot nephews showed up. They brought their feud and arguments to hell with them, and Silas hated it. He loved his brother dearly, BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO CREATE SUCH AWFUL OFFSPRING! It pained him to know that he couldn't kill them again...
*DING*
A green skeleton with a baseball cap yell out, "I NEED TO SEE A....SILAS MANN...SILAS MANN PLEASE COME TO THE PODIUM!"
Scratching his head Silas wondered when the hell, hell got a podium. In the next second a large blue flame burst to life next to him...it was a damned podium...get it damned...oh, who cares.
"Yes, what do you need?" Silas asked the dead man.
"Time's up! You can leave, your bags are in the left lobby...don't look at the any of the harpies on your way out, it's their time of the month today, and eye contact angers them...good luck on the surface!" The skeleton said with...what seemed to be a smile...no muscles or skin made it hard to tell, but Silas was pretty sure it was a smile...of sorts. Then with a stamp and a letter, Silas was on his way out.
He almost reached the door when he saw a small, white-feathered, harpy sitting near the door, her head in her claws. Ignoring the skeleton's warnings, he approached her, took his head off and put in on the ground near her, and put a gloved hand on her shoulder, "Miss, you alright, this is a high traffic area; wouldn't want to get run over." he said. Not a sound was heard from her. With a sight he began again, "Okay, what's wrong? You can tell Uncle Silas."
She looked up to him with teary eyes. They were violet, Silas noticed. She then pointed to two other harpies, both a deal older looking...and much more threatening...and pissed.
"Yes, what about them, you can speak child." said Silas, after dealing with his nephews when he was alive, and now in Hell, he was very good with people, and creatures in general...as long as they weren't his nephews.
She looked at him and pointed to them, then to her neck, then opened her mouth and put a claw in front of her mouth motioning outward, then brought her two arms up to make an X. Silas stared, confused for a moment. She did it again. It clicked.
"I see, my poor dear," Silas began as he reached for his head, placing it between his shoulders, "Let's see if I can help." With that a purple ring appeared at his feet, he reached into it and pull out his weapon by it's handle, his loyal Headtaker.
"WHASSUP BOSS!? BUDDY? AMIGO!?" yelled the axe, happy to see its owner again.
"Tell me Goreden," Silas said as he looked at the glowing weapon, "Are you hungry?"
A deep laugh bellowed from the Headtaker, "Starving..."
~~~
Walking up to the two harpies, his Headtaker slung on his back, he tapped one on the shoulder. "Hello...Headssssss....Sush!"
"What do you want squash head?" sneered one of the bird-ladies.
"My, my, you seem in the wrong today...Heaaaaaaaadddssss...heads, heads, heads, heads...Quite."
They leered at Silas for a moment, "You know what they say about dead men, right?" one of them asks.
"Do you?....HEAAAADS...."
"Well..." The first harpy raised her claw and rushed toward Silas, "THEY TELL NO--" She was cut off by a loud "HEAAAADS!" and a sickly wet *SLICKT* sound. She turned to look at her fellow assaultress, to see that her head was no longer there, cleanly cut off. She turned back to Silas, her claw now buried into his chest. She heard a slurping sound and turned her head towards it; it was the axe. After a few seconds the blood on it started to vanish into the weapon and it began to glow a faint purple.
"Delicious..." It said, voice in a trance as though it were savoring its meal.
"Trust me...this dead mann will tell more than tales." a deep voice said above her. "Hahaha...Good-Night..."
*SLING*
~~~
On his way out Silas put Goreden back to sleep, in his own little pocket dimension. As he came across the exit again, he saw the small harpy again. He stood there and noticed just how small and fragile she looked. Kneeling down next to her he spoke in a soft voice, "If you want Child, you may come with me," she raised her head, her violet eyes staring into his yellow sockets, "You don't seem to have anything here to leave, and you aren't bound to this place either, I sure could use some company where I am heading." He finished, offering his hand to the girl.
She reached out for a second, slightly hesitating, before fulling grabbing the mann's hand and crawling into his back. She grappled his pumpkin head, nuzzling it, before falling asleep.
~~~
The TEAM
The Team soon arrived in a colorful town after following Pyro's directions. As they entered the Soldier gasped and said, "Men, I think I know where we are, the clues are everywhere! The colors, the clean air, the lack of American flags! We MUST be in....CANADA! Just wait, the hippies will be here any minute!"
"Mphhurhm hrrmem hurr hermmph." Pyro said with a wave.
"Yeah, what the mute said." added Scout.
"Well, now we need ta find some help getting ba-*FWOSH*" started the Sniper, who got interrupted by a loud burst of fire a few blocks over.
And Pyro got a look, one of extreme excitement, showing through the mask, "MPHPPMHH MMPH! HUDDA HUDA HA! HUDDAAAA!" he yelled, running toward the source of the flames.
"Come on' guys, I think the firebug knows something!" shouted the Scout, beginning to chase after Pyro.
"Oh, vat make you zink that?" asked the Medic.
"Cause he's running, that means it's important!" Scout shouted back.
Throwing up his...hooves, the Medic beckoned for the rest of the group to follow.
~~~
Pyro was excited, euphoric even, as he ran towards the flame. The fire itself wasn't what attracted him, it was the look of it, how it was too perfect to be true fire, and how the subtle streaks of lighting complemented it. He knew...He knew.
Stopping outside a large field, he waited for his comrades. When the team caught up to him, he faced them. Then he did something he thought he might never be able to do. Reaching up, he put his hooves to his mask, and twisted. A resounding *PSSSTTT* hissed as gas escaped the suit.
Then they hear a voice from the Pyro, distinctly British, "I'm afraid to say that I haven't been completely honest with you chaps. But twas' my only choice ya see. I do feel a degree of guilt, because you have been my brothers, my friends in this endeavor. Thank you..." as he finished he pulled his mask off, revealing a stallion's head, a mix of reds, yellows, and oranges; seemed to look like the fires that he so enjoyed spreading. "I dearly with I could show my gratitude to you chaps more, but I don't have anything to give you, thanks....for bringing me home."
MMMM....Alcohol...and Alcoholics (One more~Drinking song! Pull up a seat, an' sing along~ One more~Drinking song!)
"Eh...Home? Pyro, ya think ya hit your head a bit too hard? Did, Didja get into Demo's 'Scrumpy box'?" said a concerned Scout, turning toward the Medic he said, "Doc, back me up."
The Medic sighed, turning toward Pyro he asked, "Vell, I guess it's time to come clean, vhat do you zink?"
"Aye, they have a right ta know." Pyro responded to the Doctor with a nod.
"WHOA, WHOA, Hold on! Doc, don't joke with me like that! I prefer your gore obsession over this....this...this...whatever this is!" Scout yelled, motioning all around him.
"Oh, shaddup and listen," Medic responded, "Anyvay, I don't zink ve vill be able to go back so easily...we may spend forever here, I'd like to make introductions soon, and go on a vacation. Now, I'll go first. *AHEM* My Benennung es Doktor Edvard Richtofen, I have been traveling vis zhe vone you know as Pyro."
"Ehm...traveling? Doc...you don't travel...you cause murder sprees...and use the bus." the Scout said.
"Vell, zis might take a vhile...ehh....find a log or somezing to sit on." The Doctor told the rest.
At that they all popped down onto their haunches.
"Lets see...vere to begin...Vell, it all started vis a meteorite filled vis a new substance, coined element von-von-five..."
~~~
"...Und zen zhe excavation teams uncovered...I'm not really sure exactly vhat...but zat is vat started it. Creatures affected by zhe strange element vere buried down zere...zhe most accurate vay I can describe zem is...zombies...thousands of zem...zey also managed to infect some of zhe members wearing experimental Panzer suits...vat a pain zey vere, let me tell you...
~~~
...Und ve 'saved' Samantha as she promised to vatch over us...however...ven I stepped in zhe portal...somezing vent wrong...I vas teleported to London, vere I met Pyro...strangely zey also had a zombie-like creatures problem as vell....small vorld...or vorlds as it vould be. Anyvay, Pyro vas part of a group of 'paid exterminators'...pretty much a mercenary team...As I vas saying, Pyro und his team ended up saving me from zese beasts...via scyth....After zat a bunch of nonsensical bullshit happened, und eventually ve managed to find yet anozer portal...amazing vat forty-two blocks of C4 can do, hehehe.
...Zen ve finally parted ways, however fate vould have it zat ve vere to meet again...unlikely at least...impossible at most...I took it as a sign...and promised him I vould...continue to accompany him thought his journey; in return he said he vould give me a new life.
....Und zats how I got my medical license...ze real vone...vhich I DIDN'T lose.
...From zen on, Archimedes has been traveling vis us."
~~~
As the good doctor finished his tales he look toward his team, all of whom (save for the Pyro) had their mouths open, nearly touching the ground. With a quick shake of his head the Scout focused.
"So...lemme' get this straight, Pyro an you are a buncha dimension travelers and that you've both fought demons, aliens, ghost, zombies, gods, goddesses, demi-gods, fallen gods, other kinds of gods....did I mention gods?" He said.
"Vell, Ja. Although I don't know much of the story, Pyro still has his half of ze story, may be longer...time vorks oddly in zese...situations." Edward responded.
Pyro popped his head in and added, "Too be fair, I've been a god or goddess a time or two as well....or ten....I lost count."
At this Scout just threw his hooves in the air, "I don't care anymore! I JUST GIVE UP!" he shouted.
"Err....on what?" asked the Heavy.
"On trying to understand anything anymore." Scout replied in defeat.
"Try and think about simple things....like sandvich...or baseball...or guns." Heavy said with a smile.
Scout returned it with one of his own, "hehe, yah...I guess that'll work, thanks big guy." Just then a though crossed his mind, "Umm...where did the Demo go?" he asked, the drunkard missing from the group.
At that Pyro raised a hoof, "Well, when it comes to that lug, I say let's head to the bar!" He yelled, pointing toward town."
~~~~
Elsewhere, a stumbling, somewhat sober, brown earth pony, through some miracle, managed to find a bar and swagger in. The name of said bar, The Hammered Mare.
With the ease and agility that should not be able to be achieved by any sort of drunken (or somewhat drunken) creature, the Demo found himself a chair at the bar and sat down...again with complete control.
The Bartender saw him and raised an eye, "Normally ponies are drunk when they leave here...this is the first time one entered drunk."
Behind him a purple hoof grabbed his shoulder, turning around he found it was Berry Punch...the unofficial town drunk...and owner of a vast chain of restaurants and bars. "A newcomer has FINALLY arrived! I wanna see what he's made of." she said with a grin.
Oh dear...this...actually this may be good. thought the Bartender before he asked, "So....do I bring out the-"
"EVERYTHING!" Shouted Berry.
"Ever-loving Luna help us." prayed the Bartender.
Berry Punch ignored his comment and walked up to the Demo. "OI! I don't remember you, That must mean you're new...within a year or so at least, anyhow since this is your first time here, drinks are on me...if you can beat me."
The Demo raised his head, showing all his eye-patch, slurring out nonsense.
Somehow Berry was able to understand, nodding her head as she set two glasses down. "Tavish Finnegan DeGroot, eh? Nice name, I'm Berry Punch...now we drink to new friends!"
15 minutes later....
"Agaghgaghgahgaghagh...." said the now drunk Berry Punch.
In response Tavish put a hoof around her shoulder as he said, "Auauugghugh..." taking anther swig.
To the side the Bartender wiped away a tear, "This is beatiful...*Sniff*...they're so freaking adorable!"
A random pony walked up to him and asked, "Wow, the new guy's holding his own...how far into it are they?"
Without a word the Bartender pointed to a pile of bottles, stacked high to the ceiling...five rows of such.
The ponys mouth hung open until he finally managed out, "W-What!? Isn't that, I don't know...LEATHAL?"
` His response was a nod from the Bartender.
Back to the two drunkards. They were exchanging stories and the like, and now were singing their favorite drinking songs. They were also dressed as pirates, Tavish wearing his Bolted Bicorn, which had floating beer bottles dancing around it. Berry on the other-hoof was wearing one of Tavishs spare eye-patches and his Buccaneer's Bicorn.
~♪ "Gather 'round ye lads and lasses, set ye for a while, and harken to me mournful tale about the Emerald Isle. Let's all raise our glasses high to friends and family gone, and lift our voices in another Irish drinkin' song.
Consumption took me mother and me father got the pox, me brother drank the whiskey 'till he wound up in a box. Me other brother in the troubles met with his demise, me sister has forever closed her smilin' Irish eyes.
Now everybody's died, so until our tears are dried, we'll drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more. We'll dance and sing and fight until the early mornin' light, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again.
Ken was killed in Kilkenny and Claire she died in Clare, Tip from Tipperary died out in the Derry air. Shannon jumped into the river Shannon back in June, Ernie fell into the urn and Tom is in the tomb.
"Cleanliness is godliness," me Uncle Pat would sing, he broke his neck a-slippin' on a bar of Irish Spring. O'Grady he was eighty, 'tho his bride was just a pup, he died upon the honeymoon when she got his Irish up (OI!).
Now everybody's died, so until our tears are dried, we'll drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more. We'll dance and sing and fight until the early mornin' light, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again.
Joe Murphy fought with Reilly near the cliffs of Alderney, he took out his shillelagh and he stabbed him in the spleen. Crazy Uncle Mike thought he was a leprechaun, but in fact he's just a leper and his arms and legs are gone.
When Timmy Johnson broke his neck it was a cryin' shame, he wasn't really Irish, but he went to Notre Dame. MacNamara crossed the street and by a bus was hit, but he was just a Scotsman so nobody gave a shi- (OCH!).
Now everybody's died, so until our tears are dried, we'll drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more. We'll dance and sing and fight until the early mornin' light, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again.
Ole!!
Drunken Uncle Brendan tried to drive home from the bar, the road rose up to meet when he fell out of his car. Irony was what befell me Great Grand Uncle Sam, He choked upon the very last potato in the land.
Connor lived in Ulster town, he used to smuggle arms, until the British killed him and cut off his lucky charms. And dear old Father Flanagan who left the Lord's employ, drunk on sacramental wine beneath the altar boy (HEY!).
Now everybody's died, so until our tears are dried, we'll drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more. We'll dance and sing and fight until the early mornin' light, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again.
Someday soon I'll leave this world of pain and toil and sin, the Lord will take me by the hand to join all of me kin. Me only wish is when the Savior comes for me and you, He kills the cast of Riverdance and Michael Flatley too.
Now everybody's died, so until our tears are Dried, we'll drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more. We'll dance and sing and fight until the early mornin' light, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again, then we'll throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin' once again.
Berry tapped Finnegans shoulder and chose the next one.
"Drink this beer, Drink this beer One, Two, Three, More Together we can drink this keg One, Two, Three, Four Down, Down go the drinks Hammer those shots, pour some more Seeing a hot chick get on the floor Grab a new drink and have some more
*HIC*
*EEERRRRPPP*
Crush those cans, Crush those cans One, Two, Three, Four Losing track of my drinks One, Five Three, Eight Finish that drink, puke in the sink Partying hard, you're doing great Getting real smashed just like you should Pounds those shots, it's all good
WHHHHEEEEEEEEEE
Raise your drink Raise your drink One, Two, Three, Four How many cops are at the door One, Two Three, Four Climbing up from the ground Have my keys been fucking found Pop your collar and now your bro Grab some rum and here we go
Look at us were fuckin drunk Drinking together, don't grab my junk We drunkards we are proud to say We drink all night and fight all day Drown your sorrows, it's all right When in doubt, just start a fight The room is spinning round and round Hold your liquor and don't fall down
Berry Drunk, Berry Drunk One, Two, Three, More How fingers do you see One, Two, Three, Four
Take your lagers ales and stouts Drink until the tap runs out Slutty Chicks are all the rage Just make sure she's of legal age
We raised some hell, we raised some hell Yes we did Together we sure raised some hell Yes we did Drinking together counts the most I think I drank a lethal dose All we need to make this night Is start a fucking bar fiiiiight"
The Demo walked up to a piano and started playing it.
~♪ "I really love my Alcohol It makes me really Queer I start myself with Bourbon Wash it down with some cheap beer And then I chug some Red Wine Drinking Vodka is not enough Don't give me Gin and Tonic Man that drink is pussy stuff Then I go for some Jack Daniels But I add a little twist I throw some Absynthe in the cup To make the bestest mix Now I'm starting to feel the buzz But I'm still a ways away Man I better drink this Green Label Six glasses makes my day Now I think it's safe to say That I'm no longer in a funk *hic* Cause I've drunk enough to kill a horse I'm finally fucking drunk! *thud*
They returned to the bar and Tavish sung alone.
"It's a cold dark world in which we're living And it takes some time to get things right If you feel dark, cold, and unforgiven It may take a sip to see the light
Just another drink to clear my brain Just another drink to ease the pain
You started out wasted And then you were lonely I'm so close that I can taste it You could be my one and only
You started out frantic When it came down to the crunch Oh no, you didn't panic You could be my berry punch
You may wake afraid and lost and lonely And you may not remember all the night In despair, you realize you're just annoying Take another drink, it'll be alright
Just another drink to clear my brain Just another drink to tell me I am not the one to blame
You started out wasted And then you were lonely I'm so close that I can taste it You could be my one and only
You started out frantic When it came down to the crunch Oh no, you didn't panic You could be my berry punch
If you weren't such a rigid soul in sobriety You wouldn't have to long to lose control, humble piety's not for me
You started out wasted And then you were lonely I'm so close that I can taste it You could be my one and only
You started out frantic When it came down to the crunch Oh no, you didn't panic You could be my berry punch
Berry spend your time with me Berry I'm the one you need Berry, I won't let you sink back into loneliness And wallow in your foolish mess We've seen ourselves at worst and best
You started out wasted And then you were lonely I'm so close that I can taste it You could be my one and only
You started out frantic When it came down to the crunch Oh no, you didn't panic You could be my berry punch"
At the end of Tavishs song they both fell down, with a level of drunkenness that can only be described as legendary. The Bartender walked up to the two of them and put a blanket over them, smiling.
The mercs walked out of the bar, Heavy carrying a very drunk Demo-man. Behind them a purple mare waved happily, "You guys are welcome to the Hammered Mare anytime! Come again soon!"
Waving behind them, the mercs followed Pyro to the center of town.
"So, eh, Sparky, wadda we do now?" Scout asked.
"NOW, we find whoever has the highest connections here, and work are way up till we can get to the Princess." Pyro replied.
Scout frowned before asking, "Ya know that we won't get payed for killing her? And even if she's 'lord of the ponies' I'd rather not get hunt down by an entire nation, ya dig?"
"We aren't going to try and kill her."
"Well, to be frank, you scare all of us, cause' you are one fierce mutha-"
"She may be the only one to return you to your world; so no, we aren't going to kill her...though I have more than a few choice words for her highness." Pyro said bitterly.
"So, ya knew her, huh? What, and old girlfriend or somethin'?"
"Yes, I guess you could say I knew her, and no...our...relationship was not of that kind."
"So-" Scout started.
"Anyvay! Do you know vere ve are?" Richtofen asked, cutting of Scout.
"Unfortunately, no. Though I know where to head, " Pointing forward, Pyro said, "You see that? That place is called Canterlot. That's where we're going."
"Vell, I'd say that it'll take us a few day to valk zere...more if ve get lost." Richtofen said.
"Seems about right; wish I still had a map." Pyro said, giving a long sigh, "I guess we should stock up before we go. Oh, and don't be surprised when your weapons don't look or act the same...dimensional travel loves to get it's kicks in."
"Huh? kicks?" Soldier asked, looking in his pack to see his Rocket Launcher had not changed, "Looks the same." he stated.
"Really? Meh, So the universe is literally against me? Go figure." Pyro deadpanned. Shaking his head, he looked back at his team, "Anyway, we'll separate and meet back up her in two hours, ok?" receiving several nods he continued, "Good, now we're going to need food, probably camping gear, and a few bits; that's the currency used here...at the very least it used to be; and lastly we need Identities. Names, back-stories, history, that sort of thing; we can't afford to draw attention."
"Pssht, yea right. Come on, what are a buncha' horses gonna' do if they see us? We look like 'em, we talk like 'em, and walk like 'em." Scout asked.
"Simple, they're like any sentient beings, akin to humans. Some good, some bad...all in control of higher thinking." Pyro replied.
The team had gone their separate way in search of supplies and the sort. Pyro decided to head to town hall and find out, exactly how long had he been gone. Standing outside the door, he stared up at the building, Can't believe I'm finally back...it's like a dream.
Entering the building he heard two mares arguing.
"I'm sorry Mayor, but Celestia has called us back to Canterlot; all of the Equestrian milita."
"You must be joking, the town has already payed your team to provide your services to preform, one missing team won't make much of a difference, will it?"
"This is a direct order, straight from the crown. I don't know what you'd do, but I'm following my orders."
As the two voices debated, Pyro walked up to a counter, a blue mare sitting behind it looked up at him and asked, "Welcome to Ponyville, the local government is not responsible for damage to property or self, on occurrence of injury or death the authorities will be notified once the location has been thoroughly sanitized and bleached, please enjoy your stay and don't go near the forest; Now, how may I help you?"
Not even the slightest bit off-put by the odd welcoming, Pyro told her, "Yes, I need some maps of Equestria, and the date."
"Simple enough," she said, handing him a map that covered Equestria, parts of the Badlands, and the frozen north. "And today is the fifth of June, three years after the return of Luna."
Pyro thanked the mare, taking the map and turning to leave, before stopping and asking, "Wait, did I hear you say 'after the return of Luna?'"
"Yep, you heard right," she answered with a nod of her head.
Why is she so calm about this? Or is this not my home? Pyro thought.
Turning to run out, he crashed into a fire maned mare.
"Hey, watch where you're going!" the downed mare yelled at him.
Pyro reached out his hoof to the downed mare, "Oi, sorry lass, I was jus-" he began before finally seeing the mare, "I-Is that you, Spitfire?"
Hearing his voice, Spitfire's ears pivoted towards him, "I-Iggy? Y-You can't be." she said as she took his hoof in her's.
Pulling her up, he embraced her, whispering into her ear, "It is...I'm back, sis."
Pushing him away, she glared at him with tears in her eyes, "You can't be! My brother died twelve years ago! You can't fool me, changeling scum!"
"Changeling? Those old fairy tales? More-over, who told you I died!?"
"The princess herself came and told me!"
"Told you what?! Did she bother to tell you anything? ANYTHING!?"
"Of course she did! She said you--he was killed in the line of duty."
"You bought that? Equestria wasn't in a state of war when I disappeared! I-" Pyro started, before being silenced by a hoof to the face.
Wiping his muzzle with his hoof, he looked down to see it covered in blood. "Oi, what was that for! I thought I taught you better than to-," He was once again silenced, this time due to the mare tackling him through the air, onto the ground outside town-hall. Now on top of him, Spitfire began beating on him. Blow after blow she continued, Pyro showing no sign of resistance.
"Fight back damnit!" She yelled at him, tears streaking down her muzzle.
Putting a hoof around her, Pyro pulled her close and whispered into her ear, "You know I can't do that...I made a promise, one I intend to keep."
Finally stopping her assault, she returned the embrace. I don't care anymore, She thought, I'll find out later...for now...I want my brother back.
Where ride the Horsemann, Death shall follow! (You thought I forgot about him, didn't you?)
Far in the frozen north, a lone robed pony sat behind the Elder Sign of an upright pentagram. Staring at the center he called out, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtan!" Feeling the ground beneath him he quickly stood up and backed away. This isn't what's suppose to happen He thought.
At the center of the Elder Sign, a purple portal opened up. Curious, the pony took a step forward to gaze into the swirling hell-chasm. Suddenly a gloved hand erupted from the portal, grabbing the pony and dragging him down into it. Seconds later, a belch rang out from the portal, and the gloved and breached forth again. Feeling the ground around the portal, the gloved hand gave a thumbs up and reaching into the hell-chasm, bring up another gloved hand. Bracing against the ground, they began pushing, revealing a headless, skeletal body clothed in a tattered cloak. Now free from the portal, the skeleton reached into it, pulling from it a large ax. It stood there for a second, before reaching once more into the portal, this time retrieving a carved pumpkin from it. Placing the pumpkin on his shoulders, he twisted it and made sure it was stable, he gave a small chuckle.
"Ohhhh....It's good to be back in the world of flesh!" Silas shouted with glee.
Settling his Headtaker on his shoulder, he began to walk away from the portal, only to turn and look at it after a few steps. "You coming?" he asked the portal.
With no reply he walked to the portal and plunged his hand once more into it, all the while trying to make soothing sounds toward it. After about a minute of coaxing he withdrew his hand, this time with a tiny gryphon in it. Bringing it to eye level, he said, "Hmmm...well...this is...unexpected. B-But hey, you've got....actually no, you had wings before...hmmm....well now you're part lion!" The gryphon gave him a deadpan look. "Yeah, yeah, but still, a whole new world for you! Hop in!" he said, leaning over and grabbing the stem on his head and pulling it off. Hesitantly the gryphon climbed inside. "There we go," he said, sealing the hole in his head, raising Goreden into the air, "Onward!"
~~~
Hours later Silas found himself sitting on a rock with his head in his lap. Well...all that time waiting to get out of hell....and now that I'm out I have not clue what to do. he thought. Bringing his Headtaker up to his face, he asked it, "Goreden...what do we do now? Effective immortality and nothing to do with it...damnit, I guess Tony was right, 'Immortality is stupid! When that happens, then we won't have anything to strive for...and it'd be BORING!' I mean TONY of all people....who would've guessed?"
"Well boss, I have news for you then. It would seem one of my siblings are here, not sure which one though." Goreden said, ignoring Silias'es other question. Goreden didn't really like Tony.
"What? Since when could you do that?" Silas asked.
"Since always, it never was relevant before, but seeing as how that harpy changed, I don't think we're where we're supposed to be." Goreden replied.
"Geez, sorry I didn't take a cab home, oh wait! There are no cabs in hell!" Silas snapped.
"Calm down boss, I'm just saying that we ain't home no more; we aren't bound to that literally damned manor anymore. Free to explore the world....or whatever immortal ghost/wraith/demon things do." Goreden told him.
Silas brought a hand up to his neck, stroking empty space as if it were a beard, "Hmmmm, I suppose you're right; all the time in the world, why not explore?" With that he placed his head back on it's rightful spot and began his trek into nowhere. Not four steps in, he heard a low growl from behind him. With a small sigh, he turned around to face what seemed to be a pack of red-eyed, pitch black wolves. Taking a moment to look at them, Silas noticed wisps of smog float off of their coats. "Damnit Nevermore, you let your hounds get away again!" Silas shouted at the ground, as though the Fiend could hear him. Inside his mind he could hear the arrogant demon thing laughing at him.
Slamming his Headtaker to the ground, plunging it deep into the earth, Silas let out a feral roar at the wolves. "BACK I SAY! THE POWER OF COMMUNIST LENIN COMPELS YOU!" Being the wolves that they are, they didn't heed his warning, instead the alpha pounced. Disappointed but unfazed, Silas ducked and grabbed the alpha's neck as it got close, slamming the creature into the ground with enough force to splatter the poor thing into a fine, black mist. "Play dead." Silas said with a smile. One which quickly faded as the black mist began to reform back into the wolf, now more than pissed at the Horsemann. Again the alpha pounced, aided by two other wolves behind Silas. Denying the alpha contact with his boot, dissolving the beast to mist again; Silas felt weight on his back, the two behind him had grappled onto his back and were now gnawing on the back of his ribs. Spinning once, he grabbed one of them and introduced it to the ground, dealing with the last one by grasping it's head and twisting it until he heard a sickening crack, looking behind himself, he saw the hound dissipate into mist like it's kin. "Bad dogs." he cackled. Once again the mist began to reform.
"HEY BOSS! QUIT BEATING AROUND THE BUSH! I'M STARVING!" Goreden shouted.
"Hmph, fine."
Grabbing his Headtaker in his right hand, his head in his left; he threw his head into the air, lodging it between some branches; and sundering his Headtaker from the earth. The alpha and his companions had fully reformed and again began circling the horsmann, two more wolves joining the hunt. The now headless horsemann brandished his weapon with both hands, waiting once more for the wolves to strike. He was not disappointed as the alpha attacked once more, only to be met with an ax to the face. Again the beast turned to mist, this time being sucked into the Headtaker. Letting out a howl, the four remaining wolves attacked. The first leaped at Silas from his left side, while the second and third jumped him from behind, the last boldly (and quite stupidly) rushed him from the front. Swinging the Headtaker in a large arc, Silas removed the head of the charging hound. Slamming his left arm against the ground, he dislodged the shadow hound, and bashed it with the flat of his ax, smashing it into mist. With only to left, both clinging to his back, Silas threw caution to the wind and gripped Goreden in both his hands and swung it over his neck, slashing through one of the wolves and into the back of his rib cage. The final wolf, finally conjuring up some sense, released Silas from it's maw and ran away; tail between it's legs. Turning around, Silas stomped on the ground, making his head fall into place, and rested his Headtaker on his shoulder. Releasing a hearty laugh, he yelled, "Who ya gonna call!?"
