It is great! Though you happen to repeat a paragraph over again. Also did you know there is another fanfiction about a human named Jamie ending up in Equestria? It is pretty good, but with much more lighter tone than your story.

“Very good. Now, tell us, Jamie. Do you know where you are?” I took a look around. It was like a dungeon.

“A dungeon? Maybe someone’s basement?” I choked out, getting a nod from her. “Indeed. You are in the torture chambers in the lower part of the castle. This is your new home.” She pointed a hoof to a corner. There was a crude bed with shackles on it.

“Very good. Now, tell us, Jamie. Do you know where you are?”

 I took a look around. It was like a dungeon. “A dungeon? Maybe someone’s basement?” I choked out, getting a nod from her.

 “Indeed. You are in the torture chambers in the lower part of the castle. This is your new home.” She pointed a hoof to a corner where a crude bed with shackles lay, mockingly.

Not sure what happened there...

Otherwise good story so far, my interest is piqued. Thumbs up

Heh, this looks promising.

This has potential.
I look forward to more.

4189511 I go through all that trouble to edit for him... and he doesn't delete the shit he needed to cut out... Way to go mate, way to go.

4189195

I didn't know! :P I was trying to come up with a name, and couldn't think of anything, so I just used a generator.

4189836 I took that out.... I think it may have glitched.

4189511

Fixed! I think something may have glitched, but thank you so much for pointing it out!

The first words that I would say after finding out that I was a slave would be "then you can kill me right now, because there is no fucking way I will bow to anyone's will. Especially one who would treat a sentient being like property." Accompanied by any rude gestures I could manage at the time.

I like this. Well done.

4200509 Thank you! First time writing, I'm happy with the outcome.

Well, it seems you have an idea fixated on, that's a darn good start. It's a little short for me to really make much comment as to the story, so I'll just say 'keep going at it.'

One thing, rule of thumb is you use italics to indicate thoughts, so you can reserve quotation marks exclusively for dialogue.

-Sage

4190213
No worries broskis, look forward to more

Sunbutt is best princess though

It's really looking good so far. I just, personally, hope you think of Luna as the caring type of slave owner. It appears so in this story, but I've often seen very radical and unexplained changes to character behaviour, from new writers especially, so pardon my skepticism, please.
I noticed something strange with this story though. Luna first says that who she is isn't important, and then she suddenly starts answering all questions in detail, including that one. Some people don't mind this artificial atmosphere creation (found no other way to put it), but I have the feeling it's very noticeable, and it actually reminds a reader that it is a story.
So, yeah, just a pointer. Think about it, but don't force yourself to make anything out of it. A sense for what your writing means comes slowly for most people, at least from what I've seen.

4208697 Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

Hey, fuckface, keep writing.
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