Fallout Equestria: Mineko's Virtue

by tigrean

Intro and Prologue

FALLOUT EQUESTRIA: MINEKO’S VIRTUE

Introduction

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

…there came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed, selfishness, paranoia and a jealous reaping of dwindling space and natural resources. Lands took up arms against their neighbors. The end of the world occurred much as we had predicted -- the world was plunged into an abyss of balefire and dark magic. The details are trivial and pointless. The reasons, as always, purely our own. The world was nearly wiped clean of life. A great cleansing; a magical spark struck by pony hooves quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans. Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...

…But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history. In the early days, thousands were spared the horrors of the holocaust by taking refuge in enormous underground shelters known as Stables. But when they emerged, they had only the hell of the wastes to greet them. All except those in Stable Twenty Two. For on that fateful day when spellfire rained from the sky, the giant steel door of Stable Twenty Two swung closed, and after 190 years it reopened and on the west side of the Everfree forest a bustling trading post was created until a year before Littlepip left her stable, that is where my story begins.

Fallout Equestria: Mineko’s Virtue

Prologue

Blade Casting… and Death?

I want to explain about my life and what happened and why I did what I did. First of all I was not born in a stable; I was born in Trade Post 22. I have a charcoal colored coat with a teal mane and tail; I was also slightly shorter than most mares my age. I was the best friend of a pony from the stable 22 Overmare’s family her name was Raven but before I say more I should explain about my special talent, Blade Casting.

What is Blade Casting? Blade Casting is a specialized form of telekinesis and enchantment spells that allows unicorns to take 8 to 14 pieces of metal or gemstones enchant them with their magic and are able to fuse them into a blade as well as shooting the pieces for a long ranged attack. The parts are tied to the wielder which allows them to never be stolen or able to be retrieved even if the pony is unable to see them. This art has been around since before Luna was banished to the moon but over the years they slowly became useless and very few were left after the bombs fell, only 2 ponies besides the princess’ knew the art form. The art form was thought to be dead, but as with any magical talent it shows up when it is needed the most, that is the nature of magic. Well it seems that the magic chose me and I was the first new blade caster in over 500 years needless to say once I got my cutie mark a lot of responsibility was put on my shoulders. No pony could figure out why I was able to do this, many say it was in my genes, I’m not sure but when my mark showed my father seemed to know and gave me a gift that was passed down in the family for many years. The chest he gave me had 14 pieces of diamond cut into small geometrical shapes that look like they could fit together like a puzzle and had edges sharpened and were as sharp as a razor. Once I used my talent every gem that my spell touched had a deep blue glow in the middle of the diamond. Well I started training and I was slowly growing in power and control I was able to use up to 10 pieces before I started to go on more scavenger missions for the town. Unfortunately with the power there are, I guess you could call them restrictions, in order to maintain the blade you must never lose you reason to fight, that is the fire within you that helps maintain your purpose. Once that falters you with lose your ability to maintain the power and until you find the reason or a new reason to fight you are unable to cast your blade, the reasons can be as small as survival to as noble as one of the virtues of the elements of harmony.

Now I must tell you about what I would call my first death. As I said I was the best friend of Raven a very beautiful unicorn mare inside and out, had a black coat with a silver mane and tail. She was the daughter of the overmare’s family from stable 22 and she of course had one of those pipbucks. She was a brilliant pony, was the last of our class to get her cutie mark, her cutie mark was a white book with a black bird in the center of it, and was my best and closest friend that I have ever had. Her specialty was casting shields and had some good knowledge in the medical spells so we made a great team for scavenging in the wastelands. Well one day Raven and I went on a scavenging mission for the trading company in our town, 22 Caravan Company, about a year ago and that day changed my life forever…

We started heading back after a day of scavenging but unfortunately the weather slowed us down and we were unable to get to the town outskirts till real late at night. After we went over a small foot hill we saw a sight that horrified us, the town, it was BURNING! We ran to investigate trying to find survivors we went head on into the dark smoke as it engulfed us, we split up. My eyes were burning as I searched breathing started to get difficult I knew I had to get out of here quickly before the smoke made me fall. I spent just one minute more then I started to panic worried about my friend, I started to call her name, coughing, I was getting weaker I could tell, finally I decided I needed to get out of there into fresh air, or at least as fresh as you could get in the wasteland. I got out of the smoke still coughing and gagging, I stumbled on my fore legs as I fell just before my eyes got too heavy I saw Raven coming out of the smoke with a glow of magic while she was carrying one of the town guards in a telekinesis field, all I could think was thank the goddesses she got out of there before my eyes closed.

When I opened my eyes I heard crying from Raven, I slowly pulled myself upright and slowly moved towards my friend and nudged her, “What’s wrong Raven,” I asked.

“Everybody was dead or gone, I couldn’t save them even the only one I found alive, he died an hour ago,” she starts to cry and wraps her forelegs around my neck, “and even worse I found a building where they corralled all the young fillies, colts and elderly, and killed them all,” she started crying more I didn’t hear it my anger and raged consumed me at that point and I vowed to find who did this and bring them to justice.

Finally we cried for the rest of the night, in the morning I asked her,” Raven did the pony you try to save have any clue on who did this and the direction they went?”

“Yes,” she replied, “But you are not going to like this, the force that attacked was led by a purple alicorn called herself Mars, they came from the west and after the fight he saw them heading southwest of here.” By the Goddesses, I thought,Celestial and Luna fuck me with my own horn why would they do this to us. “Mineko?’ She saw my shocked face, “What can we do now, it is an alicorn we can’t beat a goddess.”

My anger flared and I said, “Raven, SHE is no goddess, I will make her pay, justice will be served. We will track her down and we will make her pay I swear but I will need your help, Will you help me Raven?”

She look at me with those beautiful loving green eyes and nodded, “yes, because I believe you can do it Mineko.” My heart just melts as she said that and we started off on our quest.

Well we finally caught up with fake goddess Mars 8 months later. Raven and I fought her for almost 3 hours, my blade was barely damaging and Raven was casting some her best spells she had in her arsenal and Mars just seamed bored, it was like she was toying with us and that was when my worst fear happened. Mars launched herself into the air and started casting a micro balefire spell. Raven saw that and we were too far apart, I couldn’t do anything, Raven Casted her most powerful shield on me and pushed me as far and as fast as she could with her telekinesis to get me as far away from ground zero unfortunately she couldn’t move herself. Mars released the spell as the whole world in front of me and Raven, erupts in an explosion of green fire. The blast of heat and fire destroyed the shield she cast on me my whole body was burned and I was sent flying about another 20 feet. My whole body was in pain. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t speak. I was barely conscious.

Mars walks up to me, “I’m impressed my little pony you are still alive,” She laughs evilly, “For that I will not kill you outright so you understand and can think about what revenge got you as you die.” As tendrils of electricity hits me all over my body like whips. I try to scream but I couldn’t move I barely could breath, all I could do was stare up at Mars’ face with her sickening smirk. I couldn’t believe this she was enjoying it. I couldn’t hold my eyes open as the whole world faded to black, was I dead?

Footnote: Grantedtraits Heavy Hoofed: Your Melee, unarmed, and Blade Casting strikes do more damage but less critical damage, and Blade Casting: You are one of the few that specialize in Blade Casting but because of the training involved you can only learn half as many spells as a normal unicorn.

Comments

[albedoequals1]

I get the feeling that all this information bores you, but you feel you need to put it somewhere. All of this information could have been acted out, or shown from the protagonist's perspective, so we would know how she feels about it. Instead, you just give a quick summary of the most important events in the protagonist's life. FYI: I have superpowers and my girlfriend died, now on to the interesting stuff. You could write an entire story about the stuff that you just swept under the rug. For example:

Well we finally caught up with fake goddess Mars 8 months later.

8 months in the wasteland should be at least a dozen chapters of adventure and suspense.

You also have a lot of run-on sentences. This one:

My whole body was in pain I tried to scream but I couldn’t speak I was barely conscious, Mars walks up to me, “I’m impressed my little pony you are still alive,” She laughs evilly,

should instead be written:

My whole body was in pain. I tried to scream, but I couldn't speak. I was barely conscious.

Mars walked up to me. "I'm impressed, my little pony; you are still alive." She laughed evilly.

I recommend Ezn's writing guide. It's very detailed without being overly technical, and it's tailored specifically for this writing environment.