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Arrival1,017 words
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Arrival

CHAPTER !

I crawled along the rooftop, eyeing this lone survivor. This would be easy, I gripped the drainage pipe on the side of the building and aimed my pounce. Then with a loud scream I jumped off. " RYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YIP!" I yelped as I missed and scraped my hands. The female survivor turned around, and she had a stun-gun. I yelped as I felt electricity spark all over my body, I fell to the concrete defenseless. What I saw would stick with me forever, the female had a fire ax in her hands. She cussed loudly and brought the ax down upon my skull without hesitation.

I was floating around in a black void, brain-dead and fatigued. If fate wanted me to gave a second chance it just gave it to me. As I awoke in a pitch black forest. I couldn't remember anything except that I was a zombie, and I knew how to read English. I tried to move but I discovered several of my bones were broken and I was bleeding profusely from a gash in my head. I let out several yelps to try and get some living thing to help me.

Fluttershy POV:

Fluttershy was tending to her canaries and other birds when she heard several, sharp yelps of pain from the Everfree forest. She rushed inside and grabbed her First aid kit and flew over the forest. Looking for where the yelps came from.

Return to Me:

I heard the soft flapping of wings. BIRD! my instincts kicked in, but then I remembered my broken bones. Sighing in defeat i looked at the noon sky, that's when I noticed a weird four-legged creature with wings, A PEGASUS! My memory kicked in and I remembered the Pegasus, a winged horse. The pegasus descended and said something weird, strange sounding. I let out several grunts, hoots, coos, and guttural noises to try and communicate with me. All it did was cock it's head and look at me funny. It then took out a weird, red object and approached me, I hissed in disapproval, but I found myself soothed by it's voice. It took out several white strips and bandaged the gash on my Forehead, pushing my hoodie back to reveal my head and hair.

She thengrabbed my by the hood with her teeth and dragged me along. I began to feel sleepy and let sleep take ahold of me. I woke, feeling my bones completely healed, such comes with the Special Infected strain of the Green Flu. I threw off what looked like a brown animal pelt and found my self naked. I wanted my... my... Clothes. That's what they were called. I walked around on all fours around the nest ( Fluttershy's cottage) untill I found them. Folded on a table. I jumped over and grabbed them, putting them on, and shredding part of the hoodies sleeves and the lower parts of my jeans.

I ran to a weird wooden wall and pushed on it. It wouldn't budge, I tried the weird, brown thing on it. Still wouldn't budge. Frustrated I rammed on the wooden wall with my claws, it broke open a small hole, I crawled through it, and then broke on a full-four-legged sprint twords the smell of food. I arrived at the smell and there were more horses. They all shouted and screamed but I didn't understand a word of it. I sat down in a frog position. Looking at a weird golden object approaching in the distance. For some reason I felt awe looking at it.

The golden object landed and what I saw I couldn't believe, four white pegasi, and two giant pegasi with horns. One white, the other Navy. I looked dumbfounded, and attempted to approach them. As I sniffed trying to get their smell on of the horses approached me and neighed, it then tried to hit me with it's hoof. I yiped in surprise and quickly dodged it, jumping onto a building and looking down upon them.

I then felt a sharp pain from my leg and swiped my hand, only to reach air. I then slumped down, asleep. When I awoke I found myself surrounded my 7 Horses. Three I recognized as The two tall ones, and the yellow pegasus. I also saw five new horses. One was a lavender color with dark purple hair, one was white with a purple mane, one was a cyan with a rainbow mane, one was orange with blonde hair, and one was all pink. I backed up, only to hear the Yellow one's voice soothe and calm me. I sat down in the frog position again. Listening to the horses converse, i then felt a weird sensation over come me. " OWWWWW OWW WHY WHY WHY! YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!" I screeched as all my memories came flooding back.

" Can you answer me creature? My name is Celestia, and this is Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack, and my sister Luna."

" My name's Josh. But, why would you want to talk to me. I am a Special Infected, a zombie. Half human half monster." I said, as bad memories began to fill my mind. I then began to cry as i recalled Killing my family, my best friend slaughtered before me.

I felt a hoof wrap around my shoulder and I laid my head into it, weeping. I had wondered why I hadn't killed myself yet. CAUSE YOU ARE A F***ING! WIMP!, I thought, my friend faced his death calmly. It made you sick that you felt the urge to kill Survivors, and it sickened you even more to give into these dark urges. After I had emptied my tears i looked at Celestia. " Can.. can anyone here get infected by me ?"

" No Josh, I removed the virus from you. But I cannot change you back. I am sorry." I hung my head in defeat. And as I did a loud scream was audible, the sound of a little girl screaming. I bolted out of the library door, and found a Griffon terrorizing a small Gray and Blonde Filly.

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Thunder Seethe

Thunder Seethe #1 · Mar 26th, 2012 · · ·

This is a great story, a few errors here such as, lowercase i's and words conjoint together, but nonetheless a very great story. However you got a little bit of the story messed up. Celestia mentioned; " No Josh, I removed the virus from you. But I cannot change you back. I am sorry." I hung my head in defeat. And as I did a loud scream was audible, the sound of a little girl screaming. I bolted out of the library door, and found a Griffon terrorizing a small Gray and Blonde Filly.'
That paragraph had multiple errors that may confuse the reader. Such as, what has he been changed to and how does he know about his change already? Also he wouldn't hang his head in defeat. It'll more likely be in despair. Unless it was due to him not being able to change back, but if he's a zombie then wouldn't he not want that back anyway? Another problem was I bolted out of the library door. A reader might ask, "How did he get there?" "How does he even know its a library?" As it could have been just someones living room with multiple book shelves. You also capitalized 'Griffon, Gray, Blonde and Filly.'

Those should be left lowercase for the few reasons being, blonde and gray are colors. Not names or showing of too much importance like a title. Griffon is a species like dog and cat. Therefor should be left lowercase. Filly is a young female horse in this case, so it is similar to humans calling each other man or woman.

Despite the mistakes, I do enjoy some of your use of words such as, terrorizing and slaughtered. The ways you describe certain parts of your story also leave interest in me.

Overall: Great story, minor errors here and there, just needs a bit of editing. Plot seems fine and I look forward to new chapters. Tracked.

PS. If you think I'm being a troll/grammar Nazi, the truth is... I'm really not. Its just because it seems your overall skills in writing seem good enough that I am allowed to criticize to make you better. I'm not saying I'm better than you, I am not. I am probably the most illiterate person here! I just felt like I should point a few things out to prevent the same mistakes to occur in the near future. Great story, and I hope this will be a long one!

EOM_gamzee