Sofa, So Good

by GWFan

The Contest

“Okay, so here’s the deal,” Mr. Davenport said after finally calming down. “I can only give the job to one of you. So in order to determine who gets the job, you’ll both work for me today, for free of course, and whichever one of you can sell a sofa can be my new employee. How does that sound?”

Rainbow and Spike smiled as they nodded their heads, afraid Davenport would go into another rant about quills and sofas. However, Spike couldn’t help but ask one important question.

“And whoever gets the job gets the free sofa?”

“Yes. You’ll get my poor sofa.” Davenport walked over to the display in the window and rubbed the arm of said sofa. “I had a lot of hopes for this sofa, but unfortunately it has a scratch on the leg and I couldn’t possibly sell it at full price with such a flaw. I could sell it at discount, but it wouldn’t be fair to the other sofas. So, I decided to give this one away to my new employee. And now I know it was the right choice.” He smiled at Dash and Spike who stared with worried expressions on their faces. “I know one of you two will give my sofa a good loving home. Right?”

“Right,” They both said, smiling as hard as they could.

“I knew I could count on you.” Davenport wiped a tear from his eye. “Well, get to it you two. Start selling some quills and sofas. May the best pony… uh… dragon… may the best species win.” With that, he walked to the back where he had set up a temporary bed so he wouldn’t have to leave his precious store while he recovered form his injuries.

“That guy is a few feathers short of a cuckoo. It’s just a sofa, not a puppy,” Spike said after he was sure Davenport was out of hearing distance.

“Yeah, well whatever. That sofa is gonna be mine just like that.” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof in a swooshing motion.

“Not if I get it first,” Spike said.

“You don’t stand a chance,” Rainbow said as the two of them butted heads together trying to intimidate the other. Then they heard the sound of a bell, signaling that a customer had just walked in the store.

Dash and Spike raced to the door and said simultaneously, “Welcome to Quills and Sofas.”

“I’ll be helping you today,” Rainbow said quickly.

“Actually I’ll be the one helping you today,” Spike butted in. Then they looked at each other and growled.

“Um… thank you?”

Rainbow and Spike stopped growling and looked when they recognized the voice.

“Fluttershy, my best friend in all of Equestria,” Rainbow said enthusiastically. “Let me help you find a sofa.”

A confused look crossed Fluttershy’s face. “A sofa? Actually-”

“Fluttershy, the coolest pegasus in Ponyville. Let me help you find a sofa,” Spike blurted merrily.

“Oh no. I’m not really cool-” Fluttershy yelped as Rainbow Dash pulled her across the store to a sofa.

“If it’s a sofa you want, then this one is right up your alley. It’s high quality and very afforda-ble…,” Rainbow glanced at the price and paled. “Whoa. That’s expensive.” Rainbow looked at Fluttershy who appeared even more confused than when she walked in. Dash gulped when she realized she knew next to nothing about sofas.

“Actually-” Fluttershy started but Spike pulled her to the side.

“No, no, no. You don’t want that ratty old sofa. This is the sofa you want.” He pointed to a green and white striped sofa. “This is top of the line. Just try it out and feel its wonderful support.”

“But-”

Spike pushed her in front of the sofa. Fluttershy looked at it and then back at Spike, seeming unsure about what she was supposed to do. She sighed and sat on it. The sofa was so soft that she practically fell back into it, sinking in so far that only her legs were visible. Fluttershy screamed a very muffled scream, kicking her legs frantically but to no avail. She was stuck.

“See, it even… doubles as a hammock,” Spike said confidently though his face said otherwise.

Whatever Fluttershy’s reply was, it was muffled inside the sofa.

“Was that the sound of a satisfied customer ready to buy?” Spike asked.

Fluttershy gave another muffled reply.

“No way,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “You don’t want a sofa like that. It’s too soft.” She picked Fluttershy up by the leg and carried her over to another sofa. “See, what you want is a firm sofa.” The sofa in question was actually labeled, ‘Firm Sofa.’ Rainbow dropped Fluttershy on it, but was surprised to see her hit it like a rock.

“Ow.” Fluttershy had landed on her back and looked more than uncomfortable.

“Yes, that’s what our firmest sofa feels like,” Rainbow added quickly. “Now this other sofa over… um… there, is much softer by comparison.”

“I don’t really-” Fluttershy tried to reason with her two friends but they just weren’t listening.

“But this sofa over here is even better,” Spike said, pulling her off the firm sofa by the tail and dragging her to yet another sofa. “You’ve tried the hardest and the softest. But this sofa is just right.”

“Please. No more. I only wanted-” Fluttershy tried to speak again but Rainbow Dash cut her off.

“I don’t think so. It’s not as good as that sofa,” She pointed back to the one she had mentioned earlier.

“Please. You don’t know the first thing about that sofa. This one over here is much better,” Spike argued back.

“Uh, guys?” Fluttershy tried yet again. “I really-”

“As if you knew anymore about sofas than I do?” Rainbow growled.

“More and then some,” Spike mocked.

“Enough! I don’t want to buy a sofa!” Fluttershy yelled loudly, making both Rainbow and Spike stare in shock. Fluttershy breathed heavily as if she had just finished a five-mile run. “I didn’t come to buy a sofa,” She said in her usual quiet voice though she still sounded agitated. “I just came to drop off Mr. Davenport’s turtle.”

“Huh?” Dash and Spike stared in awe as Fluttershy pulled off a bag she had been carrying on her side and placed it gently on the ground.

“Come on out Slowpoke. There’s a good turtle,” She cooed. “Don’t you feel so much better after your grooming?”

“How do you groom a turtle?” Rainbow Dash wondered aloud as a small turtle crawled slowly out of the bag, looking quite clean and shiny.

“Can you guys bring Slowpoke to Mr. Davenport? I have a few other animals to attend to,” Fluttershy said cheerfully and started walking out the door.

“Are you sure you don’t want to buy a sofa?” Spike asked.

Fluttershy whipped her head back around and gave, ‘The Stare.’ “No,” She said menacingly though quietly.

“Okay then,” Spike answered. At the sight of, ‘The Stare,’ he and Dash had huddled together in fear again.

“Well, bye. See you later,” Fluttershy said in her usual tone and walked out.

“Bye bye,” Dash and Spike said nervously. The turtle looked at them seeming strangely amused.

---

“That was your fault,” Spike said angrily. “You scared them away.”

“Me? You’re the one who tried to sell his girlfriend a loveseat. Did you see the way he panicked when she started talking about how a loveseat is the first step to marriage?” Dash retorted just as angrily. They had spent the better half of the day unsuccessfully trying to sell sofas. Their most recent failure had struck an even bitterer chord between them.

“Yeah, but then you suggested the long sofa. She didn’t like that idea at all.”

“Because of the loveseat idea. Besides, we’re supposed to sell sofas, not half of one.”

“A loveseat counts as a sofa. Doesn’t it?” This time Spike looked confused. “Why’s it called a loveseat anyway?”

“Uh… well uh…,” Dash blushed not wanting to explain something ridiculous like that.

“There’s my two fellow enthusiasts. Sell any sofas yet?” Mr. Davenport asked, coming out of the backroom.

Spike and Rainbow Dash looked at each other and hung their heads. “No.”

“Aw, it’s all right. I know how hard it can be to sell a good sofa. I remember I didn’t sell my first sofa till almost a week after I opened the store. Well, the second one after the first store burnt down of course.”

“A week!” Rainbow paled. “I can’t wait a whole week for a sofa.”

“I know. I felt pretty disappointed that I wasn’t selling any sofas that whole week. Buck up though. It feels great when you finally do,” Davenport answered, completely misinterpreting Dash’s concern. “Anyway, how many quills have you sold?”

“Quills?” They both said stupidly.

“You have offered the customers quills haven’t you?” Mr. Davenport said raising his eyebrow.

“Uh… yeah. Of course,” They lied, smiling nervously.

“No takers huh? How strange.” Davenport rubbed his chin in thought but then shrugged. “Guess it’s just a slow day.”

Rainbow and Spike nodded in agreement.

“Keep at it. I’m sure things will pick up.” He nodded his head understandingly. “Sell them quills and sofas,” he said enthusiastically, before walking to the backroom.

“That was close,” Spike said, rubbing the sweat off his forehead.

“We’re not getting anywhere like this,” Rainbow Dash said in disgust. “At this rate it’s going to take us all year to sell a sofa.”

Just as she finished complaining, the front entrance bell rang. Then it rang a second time. Rainbow and Spike looked to see that two more customers had walked into the store.

“Hey Spike, I’ve got a proposition for you.”

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Spike said, sounding skeptical.

“There’s two of us and two customers. Let’s say we make things interesting. I’ll take one customer and you take the other. That way you won’t be slowing- I mean we won’t be slowing each other down. Deal?”

“Hmmm.” Spike looked at the two customers who seemed to be looking around for Mr. Davenport. “Guess that sounds okay. Deal.” Spike spit in his hand while Rainbow spit on her hoof and they shook on it. “The divide and conquer approach. Nice.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll take the one on the right.” Rainbow Dash started to fly over until Spike grabbed her tail and pulled her back.

“Wait. Why do you get to choose which one? I want the one on the right.”

“It was my idea and you agreed to it. So I get to choose.”

“I should get to choose because you came up with it. That makes it more fair.” They both glared at each other.

“Hello? Does anypony work at this store?” One of the customers called out.

“I guess there’s only one way to settle this,” Spike said menacingly.

“I guess so,” Rainbow agreed just as menacingly.

With that, they both held out their arms and started. “Rock, paper, scissors!” They both shouted.

“Ha! Scissors cuts paper. I win,” Rainbow said victoriously.

“What? No way. You called rock,” Spike said furiously.

“This isn’t rock,” Rainbow said holding out her hoof again. “This is rock.” She held out her other hoof holding them both side by side. Spike cocked his head. There didn’t seem to be any difference that he could tell. “So anyway, I get the one on the right. You take the other one,” Dash concluded and flew over to her appointed customer.

“That’s what I get for trying to play a game that requires fingers, with a pony,” Spike said annoyed and trudged over to the customer on the left.

---

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Rainbow said to the customer on the right. “We uh… had to move something heavy in the back.”

“That iz quite all right,” The customer said. It turned out that it was Lotus, one of the twins who ran the bathhouse. “I vas vondering if you could help me find a sofa?”

Dash couldn’t have smiled any larger. “Yes! Score!”

“Excuze moi?”

“Nothing. How about this nice sofa over here?” Rainbow lead her over to the white, long sofa, she had shown the boyfriend and girlfriend earlier. “This one is perfect for house parties.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no. Not zis kind of sofa,” Lotus apologized. “You see, ze sofa at the spa needs to be replaced and I just need somzing plain and simple for ze customers to sit on vhile they vait.”

“Oh, that kind of sofa.” Rainbow laughed nervously. She didn’t spend very much time at the bathhouse. She couldn’t really remember what kind of sofa was in there. “Well, uh… how about… this one?” She pointed out the firm sofa Fluttershy had practically cracked her head open on. “It’s simple and not too… not simple.”

Lotus felt the sofa with her hoof and looked crossly at Dash. “You call zis a sofa? It is more like a, how you say, bench. I cannot have my customerz sitting on somzing so uncomfortable before a luxurious bath.”

“Right. Right. Just kidding with you. I really meant… this one.”

“Zis?” Lotus’ expression changed to bewilderment. “What iz zis?”

“It’s a sofa of course. It’s simple and plain, just like you said.”

“Zis is a loveseat. It is not a sofa,” Lotus said, sounding a bit more annoyed.

“Well, it’s not like you need a big sofa or anything. I mean, how many ponies really want to take a bath during the day?”

The shock that grew on Lotus’ face was so apparent that Dash realized she should have kept her mouth shut.

“Well I never,” Lotus said angrily. “Maybe some ponies don’t have ze time, but I have never known a customer who vas not satisfied. Obviously you don’t socialize with cleaner ponies like my best customer, Miss Rarity. Good day.” Lotus turned up her nose and started for the door.

“Wait!” At Rainbow’s bequest, Lotus stopped and looked back at her, though with a bit of a glare. “Uh… um…,” Rainbow looked around the store for an answer but couldn’t find one. Finally, she smiled weakly at Lotus and asked, “Need any quills?”

Lotus scoffed audibly and stalked out of the store, slamming the door behind her.

“Is that a no?” Rainbow said miserably. Then she jumped when she heard a crashing noise behind her.

---

“Welcome to Quills and Sofas,” Spike said unenthusiastically to the customer on the left. “I’m Spike. How can I help you?”

“Are you okay?” The pony, who turned out to be the unicorn Lyra, asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Spike answered looking more interested. “Need a sofa?”

“A sofa? No. I just need some quills.”

“Oh but you must want a sofa to go with those quills?”

“I don’t really see what sofas and quills have to do with each other in the first place. This store has never made any sense to me.”

“That’s cause you don’t know the owner,” Spike said more to himself. “Why not buy a sofa anyway? You’re the only pony I know who would even use it properly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lyra said, raising an eyebrow.

“Come on. At least take a look?” Spike pleaded, putting on the most innocent face he could muster.

“Well, I’ve already got a sofa at home but I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

“Great! Come right this way.” Spike lead her over to a sofa that neither he nor Rainbow Dash had recommended yet. “This is one of best sofas we have.”

“Actually, it does look kind of nice,” Lyra said sitting on one end of the sofa in the odd fashion she was famous for. “Oooooooh. This is nice.”

“I knew you could take advantage of it,” Spike said happily.

Lyra looked at him funny again wondering what he was talking about, when her hoof touched something odd on the arm of the sofa.

“Hey. This sofa has buttons.”

“It does?” Spike looked and sure enough, there was a small selection of buttons on the arm.

“What do they do?”

“I don’t really know. Let’s see what this one does.” Spike pushed one of the buttons and the sofa started to vibrate.

“It has a massage feature? I like this,” Lyra said, her voice shaky as the sofa buzzed and pulsated in a pattern from the back of her neck down to her flank.

“Really?” Spike’s eyes lit up. “Then you’ll really like this.” Spike pressed another random button. The sofa suddenly reclined.

“This is awesome. I’m kind of tempted to buy this.”

“This isn’t even the half of it,” Spike said, getting deeper into his sales pitch. “This sofa can do even more stuff.”

“Better than this?” Lyra said excitedly.

There were quite a number of buttons on the sofa, so Spike pushed several of them hoping that something awesome would happen. Abruptly the sofa stopped vibrating and returned to its upright position. Then a mechanical voice boomed out of the arm, “Emergency sequence 0 activated. Unwanted guest removal procedure on.”

“What?” Lyra said. Then the sofa seat sprang up and ejected her into the air and crashing out through a window.

Spike stood stock still, his mouth agape, not sure what to say. The only thing he knew was that wherever Lyra landed, she probably wouldn’t want to buy a sofa.

Comments

SECOND

[Final Fantasy BRN]

I love the end about the jumping sofa, because thats definatly something only seen in a cartoon.