Rainbow Dash and Spike compete for a job at Quills and Sofas, in order to get a free sofa.
Rainbow Dash and Spike compete for a job at Quills and Sofas, in order to get a free sofa. However, neither of them really knows much about the proper selling of sofas.
Disclaimer: I do not own My little Pony: Friendship is Magic or a sofa, though I do happen to have a quill. But no ink…
Sofa, So Good By: GWFan (The Softcore Brony)
Mr. Davenport watched enthusiastically as his newest sofas were delivered to his store, Quills and Sofas. This shipment was the latest in sofa technology, being both the most comfortable and most supportive sofas in all of Equestria. The only real problem with them was the price tag, which would make the average pony think twice about a sofa and probably want to buy a much less expensive quill.
“Thanks again for all your help over the years. My business would never make it without you,” He thanked the delivery team manager, Boxter Brown.
“Don’t worry about it,” Brown said, scratching his scruffy looking stubble beard. “Your business is part of what keeps my business afloat. It’s our job.” The two ponies shared a laugh but it was soon interrupted by the sound of something wobbling.
Brown floated quickly over to the sound with his wings and sighted the exact culprit he was expecting. “Hey, hey, hey! Ditzy! Watch what you’re doing there.”
Ditzy Doo smiled apologetically, her eyes crossed even further than usual. She had nearly knocked over a display of quills while carrying in one of the new sofas with one of the other team members.
“No, no, no, don’t put that down. Wait, watch the quills. Keep the sofa straight! You’re going to drop it! Come on now, higher! It needs to go on display up there!” Brown frantically gave Ditzy directions, but it was only confusing the poor pegasus pony more as she and the other pony lifted it up to a high pedestal where it would be displayed for any customer to see.
“Uh… please be careful with that sofa. It’s expensive,” Mr. Davenport worried as Ditzy came close to knocking over another display.
“Sorry about that,” Brown apologized. “She’s a little dim at times but she’s unusually strong for a pegasus. She’s actually pretty handy when she’s not being so derpy.”
Davenport uttered a nervous laugh before he noticed Ditzy bump one of his stocked bays and saw a top stock box of wooden sofa parts start to tip over.
“Watch out!”
Davenport dashed over intending to save her from uncertain doom by heavy box. But surprisingly, Ditzy turned quickly and caught it as if it weighed next to nothing. Unfortunately, she dropped the sofa, which was far too heavy for the other pegasus to lift on his own. Both pony and sofa dropped to the ground right on top of Mr. Davenport.
“Heh, heh, heh, oops. My bad.” Ditzy rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof, forgetting that she was holding the box. It slipped out of her grasp and onto the mess she had already made. “Uh… you okay?”
Davenport groaned from underneath the rubble.
“Is that a yes?” Ditzy asked as her boss visibly paled.
“I’m so sorry! Say you’re sorry too Ditzy.” Brown elbowed the grey pegasus.
“Sorry I dropped a 110lb sofa and a 40lb box on you,” Ditzy apologized, her eyes going in all directions.
“It’s quite all right.” Davenport winced as Nurse Redheart tightened the bandages around his rib cage. “It could have happened to anyone.”
“There we go,” Redheart said, tying off the bandages. “Now Mr. Davenport, I’m afraid it would be best if you didn’t walk around too much for a while.”
“But my business! I can’t close shop for a week or two,” Davenport said in despair. “What will ponies do if they need quills or sofas?”
“Can’t you get someone else to run the store for a while?” Brown asked.
“Are you kidding? No pony shares the same passion I have for quills and sofas. It’s on my cutie mark for crying out loud. Since I opened the store up, I’ve never been able to hire any employees. No pony else in town wants to sell quills. No pony wants to offer sofas. What am I supposed to do?” Davenport tried to bury his face in his hooves but the pain of his injuries prevented it.
“Maybe you could offer some benefits?” Ditzy suggested. Davenport ceased his crying to look at her strangely. “Uh… is that a no?”
“Well actually that’s not a bad idea.” Davenport rubbed his chin methodically. “But what kind of benefit could I possibly offer? I don’t exactly have any extra funds lying around. Not after this hospital visit anyway.” Davenport thought for a few moments before an idea struck him. “Hey! That might work.”
Rainbow Dash sped through the sky almost fast enough to create a sonic rainboom. She didn’t know how she of all ponies could be late. Her destination was just in sight though and she went from almost mach 1 to the speed of a feather without even getting whiplash. Rainbow landed gently on the picnic blanket and raised her hooves as if waving to imaginary applauders.
“I’m here, I’m here,” She said, sounding only a little out of breath.
“Wow,” Pinkie Pie said in amazement. “The way you flew like, whoosh, and then slowed to like, oooooooooooooooh, was like the coolest thing I’ve seen in five minutes.”
Rainbow Dash lowered her hooves and looked quizzically at Pinkie Pie. “What could you have possibly seen that was just as cool five minutes ago?”
“That.” Pinkie pointed to her left. Rainbow looked and nearly fainted. One of the Wonderbolts was in the town square performing tricks.
“When… when did… I didn’t know the Wonderbolts were coming to Ponyville today!”
“They’re not. It’s just the one. Rumor on the street is he came to pick up something he bought,” Pinkie said as she opened a picnic basket and started pulling out all sorts of goodies.
“Something he-” Rainbow abruptly gasped and pulled out a magazine from some unseen place. “It must be the sofa.”
“Hmm?” Pinkie Pie cocked her head as she stuffed her mouth with a cupcake.
“According to Fly magazine, one of the Wonderbolts recently purchased this super awesome, top of the line sofa.”
“And ponies consider that to be news?”
“Of course it is,” Dash retorted angrily. “This is one of the Wonderbolts we’re talking about here.”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Whatever. Sounds like some reporter needs to get a life. Seriously, if I was a reporter…,”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Rainbow Dash dismissed Pinkie’s inevitable speech of nonsense and stared lovingly at the article. To think one of the Wonderbolts bought something in Ponyville and she hadn’t known about it. She was tempted to go over and watch the performance, but after the events of the Grand Galloping Gala, she felt too inadequate to show her face in front of the Wonderbolts so soon. “Ever since I read this, I’ve wanted to get that same sofa. I mean how cool would it be to own something that one of the Wonderbolts wanted?”
“… but then the aliens would probably abduct me for exposing them and then…,” Pinkie stopped and looked at Rainbow who was staring at her. “Oh hi. What are we talking about?”
“Uh huh… Anyway, I was talking about the sofa I wanted. But, it’s so dang expensive. I even got a part-time job, but it’s just so lame.”
“Really? What kind of job is it?”
“I sort of became the spokespony for a breakfast cereal,” Dash said sheepishly.
“Spokespony?”
Rainbow sighed. “Pony Puffs, you’ll fly high with every bite,” she said unenthusiastically. “I’m getting tired of saying that.”
“Pony Puffs! I love Pony Puffs. It’s my favorite cereal. If I were the spokespony…,”
“Yeah,” Dash muttered. It had been her favorite cereal too. She had eaten it the morning of the Young Flyers Competition, the same day she had won and been approached by the makers of Pony Puffs. She had refused then but taken them up on the offer after reading about the sofa. She deeply regretted it now, as it had turned out to be the lamest job she could think of. Even lamer then making charcoal.
“The pay sucks though. I’m not making money fast enough. I really want that sofa.”
“… but then aliens would probably start wanting the cereal too and would abduct me…,” Pinkie Pie stopped and looked at Rainbow Dash. “Why don’t you get a different job then?”
“I’ve looked around but there aren’t that many part-time jobs right now. And I can’t get another fulltime job. Clearing clouds takes so much time as it is.”
“But you can get it done in ten seconds flat.”
“That’s a lot of time spent not practicing for the Wonderbolts.” Dash sat down and bit into a muffin, looking rather depressed.
“What about working at Quills and Sofas?” Pinkie suggested.
“Give me a break. When has that old pony ever hired anypony?”
“Since today,” Pinkie Pie pointed to her right. “See. He’s hiring right now. He’s even giving a free sofa to whoever gets the job.”
Rainbow Dash spit the muffin out, spraying Pinkie Pie with muffin chunks and saliva. “Free sofa!?” She looked at the new sign displayed in the window, which was right next to a sofa. “That’s it! That’s the sofa I want!”
Pinkie Pie licked the muffin crumbs and saliva off her face and chewed on it a moment. “Mmmm. Needs sugar.”
Dash stared at Pinkie with a nauseated expression before shaking her head and flying over to Quills and Sofas. She would get her new sofa yet.
“Come on Twilight, please?” Spike pleaded as he rode on Twilight’s back.
“For the last time, no,” Twilight said annoyed. “We’re already late for Pinkie Pie’s picnic as it is. I don’t have time to buy you a new basket.”
“I don’t want a new basket. I was kind of hoping to upgrade to a bed.”
“I know. You’ve been saying that for the last ten minutes.” Twilight abruptly stopped walking. “Wait. Don’t tell me your basket catching on fire wasn’t an accident.”
Spike put on an innocent face. “I told you. I sneezed.”
“It almost burnt the library down. If I didn’t have magic-”
“Hey, why don’t you conjure up a bed with your magic?” Spike said excitedly.
“I don’t even know any spells that make beds. And even if I did, you’re still too young to have one. You’re just a baby.”
“What are you, my mother?” Spike crossed his arms, looking defiant.
“Sometimes I feel like I am. I even hatched you.”
“As if,” Spike said annoyed. Then an evil grin crossed his face as he got an idea. He wrapped his arms around Twilight’s neck lovingly. “Can I pweese have a bed, mommy?”
Twilight stared at him, speechless. Her eyes grew large and she could feel tears welling up as a sentimental smile crossed her face. “Aw, my little Spiky. Of course you can have… Wait, wait!” Twilight snapped out of it. “That is not going to work on me anymore. You’re not a baby, baby dragon.”
“But I still look like your baby, baby dragon don’t I? Twi-twi?” Spike said with a sad face.
Twilight could feel her lip tremble as memories of when Spike first hatched flooded into her mind. Princess Celestia had told her to take care of him since she was responsible for hatching him. Those early years had been magical and Spike’s first word had been Twi-twi.
“Spiky wants to go beddy-by Twi-twi. Can Spiky have a bed?” Spike said, sounding just like he did those few short years ago.
Twilight very nearly said yes, but shook her head wildly instead. “No! Spike, no matter what you say, I’m not buying you a bed,” Twilight said angrily, wiping a tear that had trickled from her eye.
Spike dropped his baby act and crossed his arms again. “Fine. I didn’t want you to buy me a bed anyway.”
“And that’s definitely not going to work,” Twilight said satisfied.
“Humph,” Spike pouted and turned his head away. That’s when he spotted a store. Quills and Sofas. “A sofa!” Spike shouted enthusiastically. “Twilight, why don’t you buy a sofa to sit on for when you study?”
Twilight sighed in further annoyance. “Spike, after the picnic I’m buying you another basket. Not a bed or a sofa.”
“It’s not for me, I’m just thinking of you. Really.”
“I’m not that gullible Spike. Rainbow Dash doesn’t call me an egghead for nothing.”
“Ah man,” Spike harrumphed though he wasn’t even sure what a man was. He looked longingly at Quills and Sofas. That’s when he saw the sign. ‘Now Hiring. Free sofa to new employee.’ “That’s it! That’s how I’ll get it!”
“Huh? Get what?” Twilight asked but Spike had jumped off her back and dashed away.
“I’ll catch up with you later Twilight. See ya.”
“Wait! Spike!” Twilight called, but Spike wasn’t listening. Twilight turned back towards Pinkie Pie’s picnic. “What has gotten into him today?” Before she could take two more steps, something blue whizzed by her, spinning her around and knocking her over. Twilight looked up dizzily. “What the hay was that?”
Rainbow Dash aimed right for the door just as Spike was reaching for it. Rainbow was so excited that she didn’t even see him as she tried to fly through. She came to an abrupt halt as the two of them got stuck in the doorway.
“Spike! Move out of the way. I’m trying to get through here.”
“Rainbow Dash, I’m trying to get through. You move.”
“I’ve got important business to attend to.”
“My business is even more important than yours, so let me through.” The two of them struggled but couldn’t seem to get unstuck from the doorway.
“No way. My business is life or death,” Dash said, wriggling her flank, trying to get free.
“So’s mine,” Spike argued back, flailing his tail.
“Wait, wait. We’re not getting anywhere like this,” Dash finally conceded.
“I guess you’re right. Let’s both push.”
“On the count of three. Three!” They both pushed and before they knew it, they were somersaulting inside, coming to a stop only after they crashed into a display of quills. They both coughed dust and quills as a figure loomed over them.
“Can I help you?” The owner Mr. Davenport said, raising an eyebrow.
After they had both shaken off the quills, Rainbow and Spike said simultaneously, “I’m here for the job offer.” They looked at each other in surprise. “You’re here for the job? But I’m here for the job,” they said at the same time again.
“Splendid. Splendid. I can’t believe it actually worked. Now which one of you wants the job again?” Davenport asked.
“I do!” They both said.
Mr. Davenport looked at them both with a mixture of excitement and concern. “Uh, you know, I only need one employee. I’m afraid I can’t hire both of you.”
“I want the job!” They both shouted. Then they looked at each other. “I wanted it first.”
Rainbow Dash glared at Spike. “Look Spike, I have very good reasons to want this job.”
“Yeah? Well so do I.”
“Ha! What could a baby dragon possibly know about sofas?”
“Oh, it’s about the sofa is it?” Spike glared right back. “So your true colors finally show.”
“Same to you. This job is mine.”
“Oh yeah?” Spike said, rolling up an imaginary sleeve.
“This is incredible,” Davenport said excitedly. “I can’t believe there’s not just one but two others in Ponyville who share my passion for quills and sofas.”
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash and Spike stopped with their arms held back as if about to punch each other.
“To think that you two young ones appreciate the beauty of a well made quill. The glamour of a sophisticated sofa. Ever since I was a colt, I loved quills and sofas. Yet I was shunned by my family members for not being able to make up my mind. My mother was a famous writer who went through several quills daily. My father made sofas to the most exact detail and comfort. Yet neither could appreciate the others’ work. Only I, a young colt, had eyes for both the lowly quill and the grand sofa. I grew up alone, without friends, without family support. But I never gave up. I knew that one day I wanted to share my love of quills and sofas with the world. Opening up this store was the happiest day of my life… Until it burnt down that evening… But I rebuilt! I wouldn’t let the world get the best of me. I would take my quills and sofas to the next world and back before I let anypony get me down. And now, I’ve found two individuals who know my pain, who share my joy, who are just like me, who can never get enough of quills and sofas! This is the new happiest day of my life. We are going to sell so many quills and sofas together. It’s magic. Magic I tell you. Magic,” Davenport finished, openly crying tears of joy as he raised his hoof in the air, praising his good fortune.
Somewhere during the course of Davenport’s monologue, Rainbow Dash and Spike had hugged and huddled together in fear. What in the world had they gotten themselves into?
“Okay, so here’s the deal,” Mr. Davenport said after finally calming down. “I can only give the job to one of you. So in order to determine who gets the job, you’ll both work for me today, for free of course, and whichever one of you can sell a sofa can be my new employee. How does that sound?”
Rainbow and Spike smiled as they nodded their heads, afraid Davenport would go into another rant about quills and sofas. However, Spike couldn’t help but ask one important question.
“And whoever gets the job gets the free sofa?”
“Yes. You’ll get my poor sofa.” Davenport walked over to the display in the window and rubbed the arm of said sofa. “I had a lot of hopes for this sofa, but unfortunately it has a scratch on the leg and I couldn’t possibly sell it at full price with such a flaw. I could sell it at discount, but it wouldn’t be fair to the other sofas. So, I decided to give this one away to my new employee. And now I know it was the right choice.” He smiled at Dash and Spike who stared with worried expressions on their faces. “I know one of you two will give my sofa a good loving home. Right?”
“Right,” They both said, smiling as hard as they could.
“I knew I could count on you.” Davenport wiped a tear from his eye. “Well, get to it you two. Start selling some quills and sofas. May the best pony… uh… dragon… may the best species win.” With that, he walked to the back where he had set up a temporary bed so he wouldn’t have to leave his precious store while he recovered form his injuries.
“That guy is a few feathers short of a cuckoo. It’s just a sofa, not a puppy,” Spike said after he was sure Davenport was out of hearing distance.
“Yeah, well whatever. That sofa is gonna be mine just like that.” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof in a swooshing motion.
“Not if I get it first,” Spike said.
“You don’t stand a chance,” Rainbow said as the two of them butted heads together trying to intimidate the other. Then they heard the sound of a bell, signaling that a customer had just walked in the store.
Dash and Spike raced to the door and said simultaneously, “Welcome to Quills and Sofas.”
“I’ll be helping you today,” Rainbow said quickly.
“Actually I’ll be the one helping you today,” Spike butted in. Then they looked at each other and growled.
“Um… thank you?”
Rainbow and Spike stopped growling and looked when they recognized the voice.
“Fluttershy, my best friend in all of Equestria,” Rainbow said enthusiastically. “Let me help you find a sofa.”
A confused look crossed Fluttershy’s face. “A sofa? Actually-”
“Fluttershy, the coolest pegasus in Ponyville. Let me help you find a sofa,” Spike blurted merrily.
“Oh no. I’m not really cool-” Fluttershy yelped as Rainbow Dash pulled her across the store to a sofa.
“If it’s a sofa you want, then this one is right up your alley. It’s high quality and very afforda-ble…,” Rainbow glanced at the price and paled. “Whoa. That’s expensive.” Rainbow looked at Fluttershy who appeared even more confused than when she walked in. Dash gulped when she realized she knew next to nothing about sofas.
“Actually-” Fluttershy started but Spike pulled her to the side.
“No, no, no. You don’t want that ratty old sofa. This is the sofa you want.” He pointed to a green and white striped sofa. “This is top of the line. Just try it out and feel its wonderful support.”
“But-”
Spike pushed her in front of the sofa. Fluttershy looked at it and then back at Spike, seeming unsure about what she was supposed to do. She sighed and sat on it. The sofa was so soft that she practically fell back into it, sinking in so far that only her legs were visible. Fluttershy screamed a very muffled scream, kicking her legs frantically but to no avail. She was stuck.
“See, it even… doubles as a hammock,” Spike said confidently though his face said otherwise.
Whatever Fluttershy’s reply was, it was muffled inside the sofa.
“Was that the sound of a satisfied customer ready to buy?” Spike asked.
Fluttershy gave another muffled reply.
“No way,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “You don’t want a sofa like that. It’s too soft.” She picked Fluttershy up by the leg and carried her over to another sofa. “See, what you want is a firm sofa.” The sofa in question was actually labeled, ‘Firm Sofa.’ Rainbow dropped Fluttershy on it, but was surprised to see her hit it like a rock.
“Ow.” Fluttershy had landed on her back and looked more than uncomfortable.
“Yes, that’s what our firmest sofa feels like,” Rainbow added quickly. “Now this other sofa over… um… there, is much softer by comparison.”
“I don’t really-” Fluttershy tried to reason with her two friends but they just weren’t listening.
“But this sofa over here is even better,” Spike said, pulling her off the firm sofa by the tail and dragging her to yet another sofa. “You’ve tried the hardest and the softest. But this sofa is just right.”
“Please. No more. I only wanted-” Fluttershy tried to speak again but Rainbow Dash cut her off.
“I don’t think so. It’s not as good as that sofa,” She pointed back to the one she had mentioned earlier.
“Please. You don’t know the first thing about that sofa. This one over here is much better,” Spike argued back.
“As if you knew anymore about sofas than I do?” Rainbow growled.
“More and then some,” Spike mocked.
“Enough! I don’t want to buy a sofa!” Fluttershy yelled loudly, making both Rainbow and Spike stare in shock. Fluttershy breathed heavily as if she had just finished a five-mile run. “I didn’t come to buy a sofa,” She said in her usual quiet voice though she still sounded agitated. “I just came to drop off Mr. Davenport’s turtle.”
“Huh?” Dash and Spike stared in awe as Fluttershy pulled off a bag she had been carrying on her side and placed it gently on the ground.
“Come on out Slowpoke. There’s a good turtle,” She cooed. “Don’t you feel so much better after your grooming?”
“How do you groom a turtle?” Rainbow Dash wondered aloud as a small turtle crawled slowly out of the bag, looking quite clean and shiny.
“Can you guys bring Slowpoke to Mr. Davenport? I have a few other animals to attend to,” Fluttershy said cheerfully and started walking out the door.
“Are you sure you don’t want to buy a sofa?” Spike asked.
Fluttershy whipped her head back around and gave, ‘The Stare.’ “No,” She said menacingly though quietly.
“Okay then,” Spike answered. At the sight of, ‘The Stare,’ he and Dash had huddled together in fear again.
“Well, bye. See you later,” Fluttershy said in her usual tone and walked out.
“Bye bye,” Dash and Spike said nervously. The turtle looked at them seeming strangely amused.
“That was your fault,” Spike said angrily. “You scared them away.”
“Me? You’re the one who tried to sell his girlfriend a loveseat. Did you see the way he panicked when she started talking about how a loveseat is the first step to marriage?” Dash retorted just as angrily. They had spent the better half of the day unsuccessfully trying to sell sofas. Their most recent failure had struck an even bitterer chord between them.
“Yeah, but then you suggested the long sofa. She didn’t like that idea at all.”
“Because of the loveseat idea. Besides, we’re supposed to sell sofas, not half of one.”
“A loveseat counts as a sofa. Doesn’t it?” This time Spike looked confused. “Why’s it called a loveseat anyway?”
“Uh… well uh…,” Dash blushed not wanting to explain something ridiculous like that.
“There’s my two fellow enthusiasts. Sell any sofas yet?” Mr. Davenport asked, coming out of the backroom.
Spike and Rainbow Dash looked at each other and hung their heads. “No.”
“Aw, it’s all right. I know how hard it can be to sell a good sofa. I remember I didn’t sell my first sofa till almost a week after I opened the store. Well, the second one after the first store burnt down of course.”
“A week!” Rainbow paled. “I can’t wait a whole week for a sofa.”
“I know. I felt pretty disappointed that I wasn’t selling any sofas that whole week. Buck up though. It feels great when you finally do,” Davenport answered, completely misinterpreting Dash’s concern. “Anyway, how many quills have you sold?”
“Quills?” They both said stupidly.
“You have offered the customers quills haven’t you?” Mr. Davenport said raising his eyebrow.
“Uh… yeah. Of course,” They lied, smiling nervously.
“No takers huh? How strange.” Davenport rubbed his chin in thought but then shrugged. “Guess it’s just a slow day.”
Rainbow and Spike nodded in agreement.
“Keep at it. I’m sure things will pick up.” He nodded his head understandingly. “Sell them quills and sofas,” he said enthusiastically, before walking to the backroom.
“That was close,” Spike said, rubbing the sweat off his forehead.
“We’re not getting anywhere like this,” Rainbow Dash said in disgust. “At this rate it’s going to take us all year to sell a sofa.”
Just as she finished complaining, the front entrance bell rang. Then it rang a second time. Rainbow and Spike looked to see that two more customers had walked into the store.
“Hey Spike, I’ve got a proposition for you.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Spike said, sounding skeptical.
“There’s two of us and two customers. Let’s say we make things interesting. I’ll take one customer and you take the other. That way you won’t be slowing- I mean we won’t be slowing each other down. Deal?”
“Hmmm.” Spike looked at the two customers who seemed to be looking around for Mr. Davenport. “Guess that sounds okay. Deal.” Spike spit in his hand while Rainbow spit on her hoof and they shook on it. “The divide and conquer approach. Nice.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’ll take the one on the right.” Rainbow Dash started to fly over until Spike grabbed her tail and pulled her back.
“Wait. Why do you get to choose which one? I want the one on the right.”
“It was my idea and you agreed to it. So I get to choose.”
“I should get to choose because you came up with it. That makes it more fair.” They both glared at each other.
“Hello? Does anypony work at this store?” One of the customers called out.
“I guess there’s only one way to settle this,” Spike said menacingly.
“I guess so,” Rainbow agreed just as menacingly.
With that, they both held out their arms and started. “Rock, paper, scissors!” They both shouted.
“Ha! Scissors cuts paper. I win,” Rainbow said victoriously.
“What? No way. You called rock,” Spike said furiously.
“This isn’t rock,” Rainbow said holding out her hoof again. “This is rock.” She held out her other hoof holding them both side by side. Spike cocked his head. There didn’t seem to be any difference that he could tell. “So anyway, I get the one on the right. You take the other one,” Dash concluded and flew over to her appointed customer.
“That’s what I get for trying to play a game that requires fingers, with a pony,” Spike said annoyed and trudged over to the customer on the left.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Rainbow said to the customer on the right. “We uh… had to move something heavy in the back.”
“That iz quite all right,” The customer said. It turned out that it was Lotus, one of the twins who ran the bathhouse. “I vas vondering if you could help me find a sofa?”
Dash couldn’t have smiled any larger. “Yes! Score!”
“Excuze moi?”
“Nothing. How about this nice sofa over here?” Rainbow lead her over to the white, long sofa, she had shown the boyfriend and girlfriend earlier. “This one is perfect for house parties.”
“Oh, no, no, no, no. Not zis kind of sofa,” Lotus apologized. “You see, ze sofa at the spa needs to be replaced and I just need somzing plain and simple for ze customers to sit on vhile they vait.”
“Oh, that kind of sofa.” Rainbow laughed nervously. She didn’t spend very much time at the bathhouse. She couldn’t really remember what kind of sofa was in there. “Well, uh… how about… this one?” She pointed out the firm sofa Fluttershy had practically cracked her head open on. “It’s simple and not too… not simple.”
Lotus felt the sofa with her hoof and looked crossly at Dash. “You call zis a sofa? It is more like a, how you say, bench. I cannot have my customerz sitting on somzing so uncomfortable before a luxurious bath.”
“Right. Right. Just kidding with you. I really meant… this one.”
“Zis?” Lotus’ expression changed to bewilderment. “What iz zis?”
“It’s a sofa of course. It’s simple and plain, just like you said.”
“Zis is a loveseat. It is not a sofa,” Lotus said, sounding a bit more annoyed.
“Well, it’s not like you need a big sofa or anything. I mean, how many ponies really want to take a bath during the day?”
The shock that grew on Lotus’ face was so apparent that Dash realized she should have kept her mouth shut.
“Well I never,” Lotus said angrily. “Maybe some ponies don’t have ze time, but I have never known a customer who vas not satisfied. Obviously you don’t socialize with cleaner ponies like my best customer, Miss Rarity. Good day.” Lotus turned up her nose and started for the door.
“Wait!” At Rainbow’s bequest, Lotus stopped and looked back at her, though with a bit of a glare. “Uh… um…,” Rainbow looked around the store for an answer but couldn’t find one. Finally, she smiled weakly at Lotus and asked, “Need any quills?”
Lotus scoffed audibly and stalked out of the store, slamming the door behind her.
“Is that a no?” Rainbow said miserably. Then she jumped when she heard a crashing noise behind her.
“Welcome to Quills and Sofas,” Spike said unenthusiastically to the customer on the left. “I’m Spike. How can I help you?”
“Are you okay?” The pony, who turned out to be the unicorn Lyra, asked.
“Uh, yeah,” Spike answered looking more interested. “Need a sofa?”
“A sofa? No. I just need some quills.”
“Oh but you must want a sofa to go with those quills?”
“I don’t really see what sofas and quills have to do with each other in the first place. This store has never made any sense to me.”
“That’s cause you don’t know the owner,” Spike said more to himself. “Why not buy a sofa anyway? You’re the only pony I know who would even use it properly.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lyra said, raising an eyebrow.
“Come on. At least take a look?” Spike pleaded, putting on the most innocent face he could muster.
“Well, I’ve already got a sofa at home but I guess it couldn’t hurt.”
“Great! Come right this way.” Spike lead her over to a sofa that neither he nor Rainbow Dash had recommended yet. “This is one of best sofas we have.”
“Actually, it does look kind of nice,” Lyra said sitting on one end of the sofa in the odd fashion she was famous for. “Oooooooh. This is nice.”
“I knew you could take advantage of it,” Spike said happily.
Lyra looked at him funny again wondering what he was talking about, when her hoof touched something odd on the arm of the sofa.
“Hey. This sofa has buttons.”
“It does?” Spike looked and sure enough, there was a small selection of buttons on the arm.
“What do they do?”
“I don’t really know. Let’s see what this one does.” Spike pushed one of the buttons and the sofa started to vibrate.
“It has a massage feature? I like this,” Lyra said, her voice shaky as the sofa buzzed and pulsated in a pattern from the back of her neck down to her flank.
“Really?” Spike’s eyes lit up. “Then you’ll really like this.” Spike pressed another random button. The sofa suddenly reclined.
“This is awesome. I’m kind of tempted to buy this.”
“This isn’t even the half of it,” Spike said, getting deeper into his sales pitch. “This sofa can do even more stuff.”
“Better than this?” Lyra said excitedly.
There were quite a number of buttons on the sofa, so Spike pushed several of them hoping that something awesome would happen. Abruptly the sofa stopped vibrating and returned to its upright position. Then a mechanical voice boomed out of the arm, “Emergency sequence 0 activated. Unwanted guest removal procedure on.”
“What?” Lyra said. Then the sofa seat sprang up and ejected her into the air and crashing out through a window.
Spike stood stock still, his mouth agape, not sure what to say. The only thing he knew was that wherever Lyra landed, she probably wouldn’t want to buy a sofa.
“Darn it,” Rainbow Dash said in frustration. “I had a golden opportunity right in my hooves and I blew it.”
“Why would anypony even put a feature like that into a sofa?” Spike complained.
The two of them sat down miserably onto their beloved sofa, the one it seemed they would never get to sit on otherwise. As they sat, Davenport came out from the backroom again.
“Ah, good. I see you fixed the window up,” Davenport said, referring to the broken window that Rainbow and Spike had just spent the last twenty minutes placing a temporary wooden board, over. “Any news on the vandal who threw that rock?”
Rainbow and Spike sat up straighter and shook their heads.
“Nope. The culprit is still at large,” Spike lied, too afraid to reveal the truth.
Davenport shook his head. “Who would do such a thing? Ponyville’s changed since I was a colt.” Dash and Spike grimaced, afraid he would start talking about his foalhood again. Instead, Davenport changed the subject. “Any customers come in wanting quills and sofas?”
The two rival employees looked at each other. When Lyra had been jettisoned out the window, there had been a brief commotion outside. But since then, all had been quiet as a tomb. They both hung their heads.
“It really has been a slow day,” Davenport said, sounding a bit more worried than he had earlier. “Well, just keep at it. I’m sure somepony will come in wanting my quills and sofas sooner or later. I hope.” Davenport’s face looked even longer than a normal pony’s did. “Maybe I need to start selling another product or something,” he said as he turned back to the backroom. Just before he walked through the door, he raised his hoof in the air. “Deodorant! Everypony loves deodorant. Yes, Quills, Sofas, and Deodorant. I like the sound of that.”
As soon as Davenport was safely in his backroom, Rainbow Dash and Spike let out a sigh of relief. Maybe this whole free sofa thing wasn’t so great after all.
After a few moments of silence, Spike looked at Rainbow Dash. “Hey uh… thanks for not telling him how the window got broken.”
Rainbow gave him a small smile. “Aww, no problem. I wouldn’t have wanted to win that way anyway.” The two shared a meager laugh before they stared at the floor again. “Soooooo, what do you want the sofa for anyway?” Rainbow asked suddenly.
“Cause I think I’m grown up enough to not sleep in a basket anymore. I can’t get Twilight to buy me a bed, but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a sofa if it’s free. I mean, it’s a start to my own real bed, right?”
Rainbow snickered. “Ha. Guess I’m not the only one with a stupid reason.” Spike looked at her questioningly. “Oh well, you see, one of the Wonderbolts bought this same sofa and I sorta though it would be cool to own the same thing as one of my idols. Pretty silly huh?”
“Yeah,” Spike agreed, snickering back briefly. “We’re kind of pathetic, huh? Fighting over a sofa and all. I mean, they’ll be other sofas.”
“Totally,” Rainbow said confidently. “It’s not like this sofa holds all my hopes and dreams in it.” They both laughed awkwardly and quiet obviously fake. Then the entrance bell rang.
They both stood up off the sofa quickly. “Welcome to…,” they started but stopped when they saw who it was.
“I don’t even think you guys could afford a sofa,” Rainbow said to the two young unicorns who had just walked in.
“Sofa? We didn’t come here just for the sofa,” Snips said.
“Though I bet it’s awesome,” Snails added.
“We came for the job offer,” Snips finished.
“Job offer?” Rainbow and Spike said stupidly.
“Yeah. Like it says on the sign outside,” Snips said as if it were the most obvious thing.
“But, why would you…?” Spike started to ask.
“Cause free stuff is cool,” Snails said happily.
Dash and Spike looked at each other briefly before saying together, “The position has been filled.”
“Awwwwwww,” Snips and Snails said, clearly disappointed.
“That’s the way the sofa bounces,” Spike said innocently.
“And I was really hoping to get that sofa,” Snips said disappointed.
“Hey, what is a quill anyway?” Snails asked as they started to walk out of the store.
“It’s the spiny things on the back of those porky-pine animals,” Snips explained.
“That’s silly. Why would anypony want to buy that?” Snails commented.
As soon as the two colts had gone, Spike’s eyes gravitated to the sign that was still in the window. “I didn’t even think of that. What if somepony else wants to get the job? Somepony who knows how to sell sofas,” he said worriedly.
“Somepony who would have the gall to take my sofa away?” Dash said angrily.
“What do you mean your sofa? I want that sofa,” Spike chimed in.
Once again, the not so fated rivalry started up as Dash and Spike butted heads, and growled at each other. Then the front entrance bell rang again.
“Bye boys,” Twilight Sparkle said, calling after Snips and Snails.
“Twilight!” Dash and Spike said, realizing they had another golden opportunity.
“Huh?” Twilight looked at them. “What are you two doing here?”
Rainbow and Spike smiled at the lavender unicorn. “Welcome to Quills and Sofas,” they said enthusiastically.
Twilight’s ears pointed back in confusion. “You guys work here?”
“No. But I will,” They both answered simultaneously.
“What do you mean you…,” Twilight began but then she started to understand. “Wait, don’t tell me you lied to Snips and Snails about the job offer?”
“Uh… well…,” Spike stammered, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I can’t believe you two. That was so mean. And is this where you’ve been all day? You missed Pinkie Pie’s picnic. We waited for you.”
“I know. We’ll apologize later. You want to buy a sofa?” Spike asked.
“A sofa- No! Spike, not that again. I’m not buying you a sofa. In fact, I already bought your new basket.”
“You sure you don’t want to buy a sofa?” Rainbow Dash asked, smiling wildly.
“Uh…,” Twilight stared at her, clearly not expecting the question to come from her. “Why do you-”
“Come on bestest best friend in all of Equestria. You know you want buy a sofa.”
“Not really,” Twilight said slowly, starting to feel a little creeped out by Spike and Rainbow’s smiling faces. “And you know, bestest, isn’t actually a word-”
“Come on Twilight. You woke up this morning and said to yourself, I want to buy a sofa today. I know, cause I heard you. Why else would you be here?” Spike said, nonchalantly.
“I came to buy a few extra quills. I was planning to catch up on some of my reports tonight-”
“You don’t need quills,” Rainbow Dash said, waving her hoof dismissively.
“Yeah. You can just borrow some from Owlowiscious whenever you want,” Spike added.
“I can’t keep borrowing quills from Owlowiscious. He would go bald,” Twilight protested.
“Bald,” Spike snorted, suppressing a laugh. “But seriously, you need a sofa to sit on while you work.”
“But I-”
“Of course you do,” Rainbow jumped in. “And I’m the pony you’re going to buy it from.”
“Unless of course, you want to buy it from your number one assistant, who always helps out around the library every day, day in and day out.”
“Oooookay,” Twilight said nervously while backing up slowly. “I’m just going to come back later-”
“Come on Twilight. Just look around a little. It can’t hurt,” Spike pleaded.
“And when you’ve found something, just come find me,” Rainbow said.
“Well, uh…,”
“Or you can come find me,” Spike added quickly.
“I really don’t want to buy a sofa, guys. Honestly,” Twilight said nervously.
Clearly, their efforts weren’t working. If they didn’t do something fast, Twilight was going to make a hasty exit. It was then that Spike realized something. Something that gave him a devilish smile. “Ahem,” he spoke up. “Of course, if you buy a sofa, you’ll get our special offer too.”
“Special offer?” Rainbow looked at him quizzically. “What special offer?”
Spike looked clearly proud of himself as he said, “Today only, it’s buy one get one free for any sofa. But only if you buy from me.”
“Since when did-” Dash started to say, before she realized just what he was implying, “That’s not fair! You can’t offer that!”
“Oh, but I can,” Spike answered, smiling evilly at Dash. “Cause it’s technically true.”
“You little cheater,” Rainbow uttered through clenched teeth.
“Wow. That is a great offer,” Twilight said a little more methodical. “But still-”
“It’s an offer you just can’t ignore. You’d have to be crazy to pass up an offer like this,” Spike said, spinning his eyes like Ditzy Doo.
“Yeah but… if uh… I mean if you…,” Rainbow was at a complete loss. Spike had played a trump card she couldn’t possibly match. Not if she wanted to keep her free sofa anyway.
“How about this nice sofa over here.” Spike walked over to a random sofa that happened to be relatively inexpensive.
“You’re right. I guess it couldn’t hurt to at least look,” Twilight said, finally walking further into the store.
Rainbow looked around the store for something, anything that could help her. Spike had to be stopped. But how? Then her eyes fell on a display of quills. “What about your quills?” she blurted out. Twilight stopped and looked at her. “If you buy a sofa, you won’t be able to afford your quills, right?”
“I guess.”
“Why miss out on a night of studying and… whatever it is else you do, because you don’t have quills? You don’t need a sofa.”
“Wha…!” Spike gaped. “Of course she needs a sofa. What if a guest wants to spend the night, tonight?”
“Then that pony could just sleep on the guest bed,” Twilight said as if it were the obvious answer.
“Well, what if… wait… we have a guest bed?”
“Yeah. It’s in the storage room. The only time it’s been used was when I had that slumber party with Applejack and Rarity. That reminds me, we still need to have another slumber party.”
“We have a storage room?” Spike said dumbfounded. “Why can’t I just sleep on that bed?”
“We’ve been over this Spike. You’re still a baby dragon.”
“That’s right,” Rainbow Dash chimed in. “You’re just a wittle baby dwagon,” She mocked. “You’re too young for a great big bed or a scary sofa.”
“I am not,” Spike fumed. “Forget the bed. This buy one get one free offer is for today only and only for the next customer who buys,” Spike said, giving Dash an evil eye. “You sure you don’t want to take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer, Twilight? You might need a sofa in the future.”
“That is a good point,” Twilight said, thinking.
“Of course she doesn’t need the offer. Not at this store,” Rainbow said, grabbing up Twilight by the tail.
“Rainbow! Hey! What are you doing? Put me down.”
“Just look at the poor quality of these sofas.” Dash dropped Twilight on top of the firm sofa. She landed with a prompt and expected, ‘ouch.’ “These sofas are hard as rocks. Why would anypony want one?”
Twilight sat up in a daze. She had hit her head so hard, she could practically see stars. Orion was floating around her head.
“I don’t even know why we have this stupid thing,” Spike commented as he picked Twilight up and carried her over to a sofa bed that already had the bed unfolded. “But this sofa over here is nothing like that one.” Spike tossed her onto the bed like Mario tossing a vegetable at a shy guy. “It’s not only comfortable, but it folds out into a-” Just as Twilight landed on it, the bed folded back up into a sofa with the poor unicorn still inside it. “…bed,” Spike finished slowly.
Rainbow Dash rolled around on the ground, laughing. If Spike kept this up, she wouldn’t have to do anything.
Twilight groaned from within the sofa. Somehow, she managed to squeeze her head out. “You know what? I don’t think this is such a good idea.”
“Nonsense. You just haven’t found the right one. What you need is… to relax!” Spike said cheerfully. He pulled Twilight out of the sofa bed by her head and dragged her over to the sofa with all the buttons in the arm.
“Hey, what’s so great about that one?” Rainbow asked, flying over. It was the only sofa she hadn’t attempted to sell yet.
“This is the coolest sofa in the store,” Spike said, setting Twilight onto it carefully. Though Twilight was sitting on her haunches, she did look somewhat comfortable, if not a little dizzy from the last two sofas. “Just check out its awesome features.” He pressed a random button and the whole thing laid out flat. “Whoops, not that one.” He tried another button. The sofa started to rock back and forth at a good pace, shaking up Twilight to the point that she almost fell off.
“Ooooooooh,” Rainbow said, a bit more intrigued by the sofa. “What does this button do?” She pressed a large, shiny button beneath all the smaller ones.
“Full service mode,” a mechanical voice said. The sofa bolted upright.
“What now?” Twilight said alarmed. Strangely though, soft pleasing music started to play from somewhere in the sofa. Well, that wasn’t so bad. Abruptly the sofa started vibrating. It was actually kind of relaxing. That is, until Twilight realized that the sofa was heating up and she was starting to sweat. Then it suddenly reclined and started to rock back and forth again, though this time, more gently. Then a series of panels opened up and Twilight witnessed several combs, hoof files, and some kind of sharp looking object, reaching for her.
“Yes! I’ll buy! Just please stop!” Twilight yelled as the sharp object loomed closer.
For a moment, utter silence filled the store. But not for long. Spike jumped up and down victoriously. “Yes! Yes! I sold a sofa!”
“What!? Did I hear you say you sold a sofa!?” Davenport exploded out of the back room.
“Yeah! I totally sold a sofa!” Spike cheered.
“Nice one! Aw…,” Davenport tried to celebrate but the bandages around his ribs caused him too much pain. “I’ll go get the paperwork,” he said, wincing in pain.
As Davenport marched stiffly into the backroom, Rainbow Dash sat dumbly on the ground, watching Spike congratulate himself. “I can’t believe it. I lost. I actually…,” Dash waned to cry, but there was no use.
Spike in the meantime, danced in place, swinging his arms around and singing, “I got two sofas. I got two sofas.”
“Noooooooo!” Twilight screamed as the sharp object clipped off her bangs.
“Gosh, I’m sorry,” Fluttershy apologized to Rainbow Dash as they sat around another of Pinkie Pie’s picnics. “If I had known I would have bought a sofa from you. Actually, then Spike would have been sad and I would have felt bad. Then I should have bought a sofa from him. Oh, but then you’d still have lost. Um…,” Fluttershy noticed Rainbow’s face getting longer and longer as she spoke. “I’m sorry. Are you mad?”
Rainbow sighed and looked at her normally quiet friend. “No. Not really. Just kind of disappointed.”
“Ah, cheer up Dashie,” Pinkie Pie said, offering her friend a cupcake. “I’m sure you’ll find another sofa.”
Rainbow snorted as she accepted the cupcake. “Oh yeah,” she said sarcastically. “Another free sofa is gonna drop into my lap any second now.”
“What?” No sooner had Dash voiced her question, a sofa suddenly dropped out of the sky right in between the three friends. A sofa and a pony.
The pegasus pony on the sofa groaned. “Not again.”
“Whoops. My bad,” A certain grey pegasus in the sky apologized.
“S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sofa?” Rainbow said in confusion.
“Uh, hi.” Dash turned and she saw Spike waving sheepishly. “This isn’t exactly what I had in mind but I guess it works.”
“Spike,” Twilight said sternly, walking up behind him. The group of ponies noticed that she sported a bold new haircut.
“Wh…what… what’s the meaning of this? Why is the sofa here?” Rainbow demanded, thinking that he was making fun of her.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Spike said.
“Spike!” Twilight scolded.
“Okay, okay. Sheesh,” Spike said pushing Twilight away. “I’m sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I guess I kind of lost my head when you started making fun of me.”
Dash blushed. “Uh, no. That was my bad. I wasn’t being very cool either.”
“I really do feel bad about it and all. I know how much this sofa means to you. So, I thought maybe I would give it to you.”
“You want to give it to me!?” Rainbow said excitedly. “That’s awesome!” Then she saw the annoyed expression on Twilight’s face, coupled with her new haircut. “I mean... that’s cool and all. But…,” Dash sighed again. “In all seriousness, I want to say sorry too. I really shouldn’t have gotten so uptight about this silly sofa.”
“Yeah. Me too, “Spike said. Then he added, “Besides, I’ve still got that cool sofa with all the buttons on it.”
Dash smirked. “Oh you little jerk.”
“You’re the jerk,” Spike smirked back.
“Oh guys, come on,” Twilight started to say, but then Rainbow and Spike started laughing. Twilight hadn’t even realized they were joking with each other.
“So, friends?” Spike said, after they had had a good laugh.
“Since when were we not?” Dash said with a smile.
“I’m still in a little pain here,” the pegasus who had dropped with the sofa, complained.
“Cupcake?” Pinkie offered him.
The pegasus stared at her for a moment before taking the cupcake and saying, “Sure. Why not.”
“Well I certainly hope you two have learned something from all this,” Twilight spoke up. “Because I sure have.” Spike and Rainbow looked at her quizzically. “Spike, take a letter.”
“Will do.” Spike pulled out a piece of paper from somewhere. Then he poked around the rest of his invisible pockets. “Uh… does anypony have a quill I could borrow?”
“No. But I know where you could get one.” Rainbow laughed.
“Okay, we’ll write it down later,” Twilight said a little amused. “What I did learn though is that having a rival doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends.” Then she smirked and added, “And also, that you shouldn’t let a sofa come between you.” They all laughed as Spike and Dash sat in the sofa together, knowing they would always have a funny story to tell about it.
“One thing bugs me though,” Spike suddenly said.
“What’s that?” Rainbow asked.
“Why do I have the feeling like we’re forgetting something?”
In another part of town, in a certain store, a certain earth pony tapped his hoof impatiently. “Where the hay is my new employee!” He screamed.
