It was a quiet, ordinary morning in Ponyville. Ponies opened their windows and let the sun shine into their houses. Fillies and colts hurried to finish their breakfast to go out and meet their friends. Adults prepared themselves for work and shops were opened. The town was about to awake. Nothing special seemed to happen on this day, however, a new shop had opened.
The ringing of a bell could be heard on the marketplace, followed by the voice of a filly.
“Plant growin' potions! Plant growin' potions! Buy one today from our newly opened Cutie Mark Crusaders potion shop an' y'all get one potion for free! Plant growin' potions for every tree or flower ya'll need! They will let each of ya'll plants grow faster! Buy some potions!”
The voice came from a stall with a sign with the inscription “Cutie Mark Crusaders Potions” on top of it.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stood in front of the stall to hoof out flyers to the ponies passing by. While Scootaloo was using her hooves for it, Sweetie Belle used her magic to levitate the flyers from her back to the passersby. She used her magic as often as she could in hope this would bring her finally her cutie mark.
While Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were busy with distributing the flyers, Apple Bloom talked with the curious customers that came to their stall and sold the potions she made to them.
So far, she had already sold two potions and was quite satisfied with these first sales. Two successful sales — minutes after they had opened their business — were a good outcome. She hoped that the success would continue to get rid of all the potions she made to get her cutie mark because she wouldn't know what to do with all those potions if she shouldn't be able to sell them all.
While she was buried in her thoughts, another customer came to the stall. It was Rose from the flower shop.
“Hi Rose!” Apple Bloom greeted her. “Do ya want to buy some potions? Ya could let ya roses grow much faster with them!”
“That's why I came,” Rose replied, her voice a little anxious. “I want to participate in a flower contest in Canterlot next week with a new kind of roses I breed exclusively for the contest. But the storm from last night wiped them all out and I don't have the time to let new ones grow! It's a disaster!” Apple Bloom was worried for a moment that she could faint, but the red-maned mare somehow managed it to stay on her hooves.
“Then ya'll exactly at the right place!” She pointed at a row with small bottles of red potions, labelled with “Roses”. “If ya use these potions, ya can let ya roses grow in no time!” Apple Bloom said with a smile.
“That's exactly what I need!” Rose answered. “I take all ten of them! How much makes that?”
“That would be 50 bits!”
A frown appeared on Rose's forehead. “5 bits per bottle? That's a lot.....” Rose hesitated. She had already spent a lot of money this month to prepare her roses for the contest in the best way possible.
“Yeah, but it takes time to make these potions an' some of the ingredients are hard to find. Ah even had to buy some! But because it's our first day ya get another bottle for free for each one ya buy! Ya can buy only five an' get the other five for free or ya can buy all ten an' get ten other potions for free!”
Rose looked down on the bottles with the potions in front of Apple Bloom and scrutinized them. 50 bits was not a small amount of money, but if she would buy all ten rose potions she could bring over some other flower potions for Lily and Daisy. Then they could let their flowers grow faster too and their shop could sell more flowers in a shorter amount of time. This should make the investment in the expensive rose potions worth it.
“Okay, I take all ten!” she said. Rose pulled her wallet out of her saddlebag and gave Apple Bloom the required amount.
“Thanks! Just choose ten other bottles, whichever ya like! We still have potions for daisies, gillyflowers, tulips, lilies and orchids!”
Rose let her eyes wander over the bottles filled with potions in various colors and then decided for two per sort. She gave all of the bottles in her saddlebags, then she quickly took her leave and hurried back to her shop to get her roses ready for the contest. Apple Bloom waved goodbye to her. In the corner of her eyes she saw Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle coming back to their stall and turned her attention to them.
“Hey, have y'all hoofed out all the flyers already?” she asked them surprised.
“Yep, they're all gone!” Scootaloo answered cheerishly.
“Great! And ya know what? Rose from the flower shop just bought all our rose potions!”
“Really?! That's awesome!” The pegasus filly jumped and let her wings buzz.
“Yeah, if it goes on like that, we will have sold all the potions before noon!” Sweetie Belle added.
“Maybe we will get our cutie marks for selling things? We seem to be good at it!” Scootaloo noted.
“Maybe,” Apple Bloom answered. “There's always a possibility!” A broad grin appeared on their faces.
“Then let's do it!” Apple Bloom said excited. “Can ya speak to more ponies to advertise our stall?”
“Sure, we're on it!” Scootaloo replied and chased off, dragging Sweetie Belle behind her.
The next hours were not so successful anymore as they had hoped they would be. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle had talked to many ponies and most of them seemed interested, but only three more customers came this morning. One of them bought even three bottles at once, but the other two only one bottle each. At noon, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo returned to the stall, their bodies wet from sweat.
“How many potions have you sold?” Scootaloo asked Apple Bloom, a bit out of breath.
“Ah still have twenty-six potions left. An' the last customer came an hour ago! Ah think we're out of business for today.”
“Should we try it a little bit longer?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I'm not sure.” Scootaloo panted. She looked up to the sun, that had reached her highest position in the sky in the meanwhile.
“It became so hot and I'm getting exhausted. I think we should quit for today. We still can sell more of them tomorrow!”
They nodded in agreement.
“Okay then. Ah'll pack the potions in mah bag an' then we can leave!” Apple Bloom pulled out a saddle bag under the table and carefully placed the bottles with the potions in it. She threw the saddle bag on her back. “Okay, let's go!”
“The first thing I need now is something cold to drink. I'm so thirsty!” Scootaloo moaned while they trotted away from their stall.
“Then let's return to the farm! Applejack just made new apple juice yesterday!”
When they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Apple Bloom quickly galloped up the stairs and into her room. She took off the saddle bag, placed it on her bed and rushed down the stairs back to her friends again. The three fillies headed into the kitchen.
Apple Bloom opened the fridge and took out a big jug full of apple juice and a small plate with some daisy sandwiches — eagerly watched by Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle who couldn't wait to wet their dry tongues — and placed everything on a tray that stood on the table. Then she opened one of the cupboards and took out three glasses. She placed them also on the tray and was about to put it on her back as Sweetie Belle interrupted her.
“Wait. I take care of this.” She activated her horn and the tray hovered over to her, surrounded by her magic's green aura.
“Are you sure?” Scootaloo asked her with a raised eyebrow. “This tray is heavier than a broom.”
“But I need more practice! I can't always just lift brooms when I want to get my cutie mark in magic!”
“Yeah, but I'm thirsty.”
“An' ah don't want to lick the juice from the ground,” Apple Bloom added.
“Don't worry. I can handle this,” Sweetie Belle said with a voice full of confidence.
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo exchanged nervous looks. “We all know what happened when she said that the last time.....” Apple Bloom said worried.
Sweetie Belle grinned and trotted out of the door with the tray. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom followed her and they fled from the heat into the orchards and under the shadows of the trees. Sweetie Belle had already entered their clubhouse when Apple Bloom and Scootaloo arrived there. They trotted up the ramp and followed her inside.
Sweetie Belle had put down the tray on the floor in the middle of the clubhouse. She even had poured some juice in each of their glasses already and arranged them now around the tray with her magic. After she had finished she turned round to them with a big grin on her face. “See? Told ya I can do it!”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked in awe at the scenery. Apple Bloom was the first one that got her speech back. “Wow! That's terrific!”
“Yeah, you really learn fast! That's impressive!” Scootaloo added.
“Hm!” Sweetie Belle said, raising her head proudly. Then they looked at each other and laughed. They grouped themselves around the tray, each sitting in front of one of the glasses. Scootaloo was the first one who grabbed her glass. She emptied it in one gulp. Then she grabbed the jug and poured apple juice into her glass until it was full again. She emptied the second glass like the first and then a third one followed. After she had emptied the third glass she grabbed one of the sandwiches, took a bite and began to chew delightfully on it.
In the meantime, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle had also emptied their glasses and they grabbed a sandwich too. After some quiet chewing, Apple Bloom began to speak. “Ah haven't gotten mah cutie mark yet, but the potions really turned out fine an' the sales were good too! Ah sold more than half of mah potions today!”
“Yeah,” Scootaloo said between two bites.
“But we also need to find something that me and Scoots can do to get better at our talents!” Sweetie Belle chimed in. “Hoofing out flyers with my magic is good to stay in practice, but if I want to get my cutie mark in magic I have to do more!”
Scootaloo nodded in agreement. She swallowed what she had in her mouth and then added, “And it's the same with me. If I want to get better with my mechanical skills I have to use them more often! I should repair more vehicles and build some by myself!”
“But where can we use our talents more? Where could we find a place where I can use my magic and where you can try out your mechanical skills?” They lapsed into silence and thought about what they could do.
Apple Bloom had finished her sandwich now as well and also began to dwell on thoughts. Suddenly she remembered something Granny Smith once told her. It was something about her foalhood and Apple Bloom began to think that this could be the solution for their problem. “Ah think ah know somethin',” she began slowly.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at her. “What is it?” Scootaloo asked.
“There is somethin' Granny Smith told me once. When she was a filly, she traveled by herself through Equestria an' had many adventures. She likes to talk about those adventures.”
“And?” Scootaloo asked. She didn't understand.
“Granny always tells me how many things she learned on those adventures and how useful they turned out for her in her later life. An'—”
“Wait,” Sweetie Belle interrupted her. “Do you want to say she got her cutie mark on an adventure?”
“No,” Apple Bloom answered. “She already had her cutie mark when she left Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Then how should this help us?” Scootaloo asked confused.
“Well, if we stay in Ponyville an' sell our potions here there is nothin' y'all could do to get better at ya talents. But if we would become traveling salesponies an' sell our potions all over Equestria, there would! Scootaloo, you could build a wheeled shop that can be moved by Sweetie's magic an' ya could repair it when it get's damaged during our journey! An' ah could mix more potions to sell them in our traveling shop! So could everyone of us use her talent and get better with it!”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at her for a moment before Scootaloo began to talk again. “I understand, but why leave Ponyville? I'm sure we can find something to use our talents on here too!”
“That's right, but do ya think we could still see us as often as now once we have our cutie marks?”
Scootaloo stared blankly at her.
“I know what Apple Bloom means,” Sweetie Belle took the word. “It looks like we all have different talents. If Apple Bloom gets her cutie mark in potion mixing, if you get your cutie mark in building vehicles and if I get my cutie mark in magic we would work in different places once we get them. We couldn't be together all the time anymore then! But if we do what Apple Bloom suggested we could still use our talents, get our cutie marks and stay together for all time!”
Scootaloo looked at the ground. “I know.” Her voice sounded weaker now. “I already thought about that. But if we do that, we will probably be away from Ponyville for a very long time. Maybe even years. I couldn't see Rainbow Dash anymore then.....”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked down too now. “Ah would also miss mah sister. An' Big McIntosh an' Granny Smith too.”
“And I would miss Rarity and my parents.....”
“I don't think I can do that,” Scootaloo said after some silent moments. “I could never leave Rainbow Dash.”
“But what's with our friendship then?” Apple Bloom began again.
“We would still be friends,” Scootaloo answered. “Only because we have different jobs doesn't mean we can't see us anymore.”
“But have ya already forgot what ya told us just some days ago? What was it again what ya want to do to fly?”
Scootaloo looked over to her friend. When she answered, she began to understand. Her eyes looked to the side, avoiding the face of Apple Bloom now. “I said I want to build an airship one day.”
“An' where can ya learn that?” Apple Bloom probed further.
Scootaloo sighed. “In the Airship Factory in Canterlot.”
“Right. An' that would mean ya must move away from Ponyville to work there! Ya can't go there by train every day, it's too far away! An' what is with Sweetie Belle? She said she wants to become a fashion designer like Rarity! But with her, Ponyville already has a fashion designer! Ah don't think she could make a good business here as long as Rarity lives here too an' Rarity hasn't planned to move away. That means Sweetie Belle would also move to another town! We all would live in different towns an' barely see us then!”
“I know! I understand that all!” Scootaloo bursted out. “But Rainbow Dash means so much to me too.....” she added in a lower tone. Tears began to glisten in her eyes. “I just don't know what I should do without her.” Then the tears streamed down her face.
Sweetie Belle walked over to her, sat beside her and laid a hoof around her shoulders. She looked to Apple Bloom. “Either we leave our sisters and parents or we have to leave each other one day. We must decide it somehow.”
Now Apple Bloom also walked over to Scootaloo. She sat down right from her and put a hoof around her shoulders too.
They looked quietly at the ground for some minutes, the silence only interrupted by Scootaloo's sobbing. The sadness they felt was reflected in Apple Bloom's and Sweetie Belle's eyes.
Then Sweetie Belle talked again. “You could still see Rainbow Dash, even when we travel through Equestria.”
Scootaloo sniffed. “You think so? How should this be possible?”
“Because we would be traveling salesponies!”
Scootaloo looked at her, a hunch of confusion being visible behind her tears.
“Even when we travel through Equestria, this doesn't mean we have to stay away from Ponyville forever! Nothing stops us from returning to Ponyville every once in a while to sell potions here too! Isn't this a good compromise?”
“An' if ya feel sad an' miss Rainbow Dash too much we will also come back here so ya can spend some days with her! Promise!”
Sweetie Belle nodded agreeingly.
Scootaloo looked at Apple Bloom, her vision still blurry. “You would really return just because I miss Rainbow Dash?”
“Sure! We are friends! We don't want ya to become sad!” Apple Bloom assured her.
Scootaloo suddenly reached out and pulled her two friends closer to her. “You are not just my friends!” she said in a more happy tone. “You are the best friends a filly could ever have!”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle joined in on the hug, now with smiles adorning their faces. After some minutes of group hugging, Scootaloo wiped the tears out of her eyes. “Ok, I agree! Let's become salesponies and travel the world!” She threw her right hoof into the air to accompany her words. The pegasus filly shared a smile with her friends and then Sweetie Belle said “But we must convince our parents and sisters first!”
“Yeah, but I'm sure we can make it! If we go together to them, we can convince them!”
“Should we tell it to them now?” Apple Bloom asked. "Or should we wait until we have built a shop and are ready to leave?"
“I think it's better to do it now,” Sweetie Belle answered. "The longer we wait, the harder it will become."
This was something all of them agreed on. Leaving their families wouldn't be easy and maybe they would also need a lot of time to convince them.
“Okay, then it's set!” Scootaloo said energetically and galloped out of the clubhouse. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle followed her.
Soon, they had reached the border of the orchard and could see the farmhouse. “Who should we tell it first? Applejack?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Applejack is still busy with workin' on the farm. An' my big brother too,” Apple Bloom explained.
“And I'm sure Cheerilee is still at school,” Scootaloo added. "We can only go to your parents.”
“I'm not sure if they're at home. But I guess we have no other choice. Let's try it!” Sweetie Belle answered.
On the way to Sweetie Belle's house, they discussed how they could convince their parents and big sisters to let them go. They knew that it wouldn't be easy. They were still little fillies after all and it was sure that nopony would be happy about their plan. But they had also made the decision to not let themselves become stopped by anypony. Shortly before they arrived at Sweetie Belle's house they came to the agreement that it would be the best to simply tell them their reason why they want to do that. Their reason was a heartwarming one and they hoped it would be enough to convince their loved ones.
Surprisingly, Sweetie Belle's parents allowed her to go almost immediately. They didn't even need to try to convince them much. After Sweetie's mom had opened the door, they entered the house and sat down at the table in the kitchen. Sweetie's parents had just finished lunch and her mum was busy with washing the dishes. Her dad sat at the table and read in the newspaper. Sweetie Belle waited for some moments, trying to find the right words.
“We have a new plan to get our cutie marks,” she began.
“Oh yes? What do you want to try this time, Sweetie?” her mom asked while she cleaned one of the plates.
“We..... We want to become traveling salesponies and go on a journey to sell the potions Apple Bloom makes all over Equestria. And we don't know how long we will stay away from Ponyville.”
Her mom let the plate that she held in her hooves glide into the kitchen sink and turned round. She looked at Sweetie Belle and a sad, worried expression could be seen on her face. Her dad put his newspaper down and looked in the same way at her. Sweetie Belle looked down on the table. She expected a no from her parents. Her mom trotted slowly over to the table. “If that is what you want you can go,” she said to her, a little heartache clinging in her voice.
“Yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea, Sweetie! A little filly like you can learn much on a journey like this!” her dad added.
Sweetie Belle raised her head again. “But we have good reasons to go! If we don't go together on this journey then— Wait, what?!” She looked confused from her mom to her dad. “Did you just allow me to go?!”
“Yes, Sweetie Belle. We would miss you, but if this is your wish we don't want to stand in your way,” her mom answered.
“But..... Aren't you worried that something could happen to me?” she asked, now even more confused.
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom turned round to her, with strained looks on their faces.
“That's not what ya should ask them!” Apple Bloom, who sat right next to her, whispered in a suppressed voice.
“We are, Sweetie. But we also trust you.”
“That's right!” Sweetie's dad took the floor. “If she has big goals our little daughter can do everything!” He reached across the table and stroked her mane gently.
Sweetie Belle smiled at them. Her happiness let her forget any etiquette for a moment and she jumped on the table and gave her dad a big hug. Then she turned around to her mom and did the same to her. “I thank you so much!” she said. Her eyes got caught on the clock at the opposite wall of the kitchen and she gasped. “But now we have to go! We still have to talk to Miss Cheerilee and Applejack!” She released the hug, jumped down from the table and headed for the kitchen door, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom following her suit. Sweetie Belle's parents wished them good luck and then they galloped out of the kitchen and headed for the front door.
Their next destination was Scootaloo's house. It was not far away from Sweetie's house so it took them only some minutes to reach it. When they knocked at the door, a surprised Cheerilee opened them.
“Oh, hi you three! Aren't you at the marketplace to sell Apple Bloom's potions?”
“That's why we came,” Scootaloo said. “There is something important we have to tell you!”
Cheerilee stepped aside and let them in. They trotted into the living room and Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle sat down on one of the sofas while Cheerilee took a seat in the arm chair on the opposite side.
“So, what is it what you want to tell me?” she asked kindly.
“Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and I decided to make a travel,” Scootaloo began carefully.
“That sounds nice. Do you want to visit Canterlot?”
“Well, no, it's not that kind of travel. After we sold some potions today, we were sitting in our clubhouse and talked about what Sweetie Belle and I could do to get better at our talents and earn our cutie marks. Apple Bloom had the idea that we could become traveling salesponies to sale the potions she makes all over Equestria. She said that I could get better in my mechanical skills when I build a wheeled shop and when I repair it during our journey and that Sweetie Belle could get better in her magic when she uses her magic to move it.”
“So you want to leave Ponyville? Alone and on your own?”
“Yeah, that's what we thought about.”
Some wrinkles appeared on Cheerilee's forehead. “This is a very dangerous plan. You are still little fillies and Equestria is big and full of dangers. I don't think I can allow you that.”
“But—” Scootaloo began, but Apple Bloom interrupted her. “But it's for our cutie marks! That's the only way how we can get them!”
“For your cutie marks?”, Cheerilee asked surprised. “But you can get your cutie marks here in Ponyville too. Why do you think you have to leave for getting them?”
“It's also for our future!” Sweetie Belle added. “Once we get our cutie marks we must all live in different towns! Scootaloo wants to learn how to build an airship in the Airship Factory in Canterlot, but she can't go there everyday by train! And if I want to open up a fashion business I must move to Manehattan or another town, because Rarity sells her dresses here. We could hardly see us then!”
“That's right! And we don't want to break away from each other!” Scootaloo added to Sweetie Belle's explanation. Cheerilee looked at the three sad little faces that were directed straight at her now.
“I can understand you and it's a good plan to stick together. But why do you want to do that now? You could wait some years until you are older and then still become traveling salesponies.”
This was something they hadn't thought of. They couldn't deny that Cheerilee was right: They could wait some years and then still travel through Equestria together.
“What should we do?” Scootaloo asked towards Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. “Should we scratch our plan for now?” They didn't answer her for some moments, but then Apple Bloom broke the silence.
“No!”, she exclaimed. The other three ponies looked surprised at her. “This is the fastest way to get our cutie marks! If we stay here in Ponyville we can't do so many things to get better at our talents..... But we have a much bigger chance to get them quick when we make this journey! Ah can mix more potions then because ah need many to sell them! An' Scootaloo an' Sweetie Belle would have always somethin' to do with repairing the shop an' move it forward! We will never get our cutie marks so quick like we would on this journey if we stay here!”
“She's right. We must go now!” Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle said in unison.
For a moment, Cheerilee looked silently at them. Then her face took on a strict expression. “I'm sorry if you can't get your cutie marks quick when you stay here, but I still won't—”
“PLEASE!" The three voices of them interrupted her.
They stormed over to her like at an invisible command. Scootaloo took up position in front of her and Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle left and right of her, with their hooves leaned onto the sides of the chair so that they were at eye level with Cheerilee.
“I will write you every week if you let me go, I promise!” Scootaloo begged.
“Please allow Scootaloo to go!” Sweetie Belle continued. “Even my parents allowed me to go. They were worried too when they heard about our plan, but they also said that they trust me! Please, you must trust Scootaloo too!”
Cheerilee looked at the three pleading faces. They were full of confidence and conviction. She sighed. “Is it really so important for you?” she asked.
“YES!" the three fillies answered at the same time.
Cheerilee gave in. “Okay, Scootaloo, I allow you to go.” The pleading in the faces of the three Crusaders turned into big smiles.
“But only with one condition,” Cheerilee said. “I want that all three of you go with me to Twilight. I will ask her if she has something magical that can protect you on your journey.”
Their smiles turned into grins. Cheerilee allowed it! And her condition was a small price for getting her approval! They just nodded excited in agreement and then all three of them fell round her neck in their gratitude.
“Can we go now?” Scootaloo asked after they let her go. “We still must talk to Apple Bloom's family about our plan!”
Cheerilee nodded and they headed out of the house and made their way to the library.
After they did arrive there Scootaloo explained their plan in quick words to Twilight.
“So you want to go on a big journey. That's not a bad idea. I'm sure you can learn many things from a journey like this.”
Sweetie Belle's ears perked up as she heard nearly the same words that her dad said from the mouth of the studious alicorn. First her dad, now Twilight and not to forget what Apple Bloom said about the things Granny Smith learned on her journey. The more she heard, the more she was convinced that the journey would be a really good idea. If this shouldn't get them their cutie marks, what then? The unicorn filly smiled.
Cheerilee stepped up to Twilight. “But don't you think it's too dangerous for three little fillies? It's true that I told Scootaloo she can go, but I will only allow it if you have something that could protect them during their journey.”
“I'm sure it's safe for them. We defeated King Sombra, it was quite a while ago since we heard the last time something from Chrysalis and her changeling army and Discord is good now. Sort of....." She grimaced. "But anyway, he will stay here in Ponyville. Even if he still follows evil plans, they won't harm them because they won't be here if something happens. And who knows..... Maybe it's safer for them if they aren't here for a while anyway. Although, giving them a little magical something to protect them would not be a bad idea either.”
Twilight turned around on the spot, walked to the other side of the room and opened a drawer. She rummaged around in it for some time. Then a smile appeared on her face as she found what she was looking for. She took it out with one hoof and closed the drawer again with the other one. Now she was holding a small, round and black jewel. “This is something Celestia gave me when I moved to Ponyville. She said it can increase the magic of a unicorn many times over its regular power. I never needed it, but maybe it can be useful for you now.” She trotted back to them and placed the jewel on Scootaloo's back. “Sweetie Belle just has to use her magic on it to activate it. But use it wise. It can only be used three times and there is no way to charge it. Wait with using it until there is a real emergency.”
Scootaloo's eyes were fixated on the jewel while Twilight had carried it over, a reverent expression in them. She nodded slowly and then turned round to Cheerilee. “You allow it now, right?!” she asked her excited, her big, round eyes full of anticipation.
Cheerilee hesitated with her answer. She looked at Twilight instead. “I'm not sure if this is enough. How strong can Sweetie Belle's magic become with it?”
“I don't know exactly,” Twilight answered. “Celestia said a unicorn that uses it is able to do more with its magic than before. But she never told me what these things are. And I trusted her, so I never asked about it.”
“Is it enough?” Scootaloo looked up to Cheerilee.
Cheerilee was about to say no again. If Twilight didn't know exactly how this magical jewel could protect them, how could she know that they were really safe with it? But when she saw Scootaloo's determined expression she just couldn't say no anymore. The condition was fulfilled, even when she didn't knew what this jewel could do for them, and she wasn't able to bring it over her to disappoint Scootaloo and her friends again. And she trusted Celestia too. When the jewel came from her, it should really be something that was able to protect them. “It's enough,” she said to the eager orange filly in front of her.
The Crusaders broke out in deafening cheers.
“But all of you must promise me to be careful.”
“We promise it! We'll be as careful as possible!” Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle said together.
“And I have not forgot what you promised, Scootaloo. I expect a letter from you every week.”
“Don't worry, you will get it! I write you once a week!”
Cheerilee nodded with a smile. “But now you should hurry,” she said to them. “You still have to ask Apple Bloom's family, right?”
They nodded and then they galloped out of the library and headed back to the farm from where they started, leaving Cheerilee and Twilight alone in the library.
Unfortunately, Applejack turned out as the hardest one to convince.
“Ahm not allowin' this!” Applejack told them in a loud, strict voice after they had explained her everything.
“But, big sis—” Apple Bloom began to argue with her.
“No 'but'!” she interrupted her. “Have y'all even thought about this plan? Equestria is no playground! It's a dangerous land! Y'all should forget this plan stat, Apple Bloom!”
“Eeyup,” Big McIntosh confirmed Applejack's lecture.
“An' the same for ya two!” She looked at Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. “Y'all must have lost ya mind when ya really plan to do something like that! Have ya even asked ya parents about that?”
“I did and my parents allowed me to go!” Sweetie Belle replied defiantly.
“And Cheerilee also said I could go!” Scootaloo added. “It was not easy to convince her but at the end she said yes!”
“Ah can't believe it! How can they let ya go! Y'all could meet some changelings out there or worse!”
“But Scootaloo an' ah are strong! An' Sweetie Belle has gotten better with her magic! Ahm sure we could take on some changelings!”
“And Twilight gave us this magical jewel!” Scootaloo added. She took it from her back with her mouth and placed it on the floor to show it to Applejack. “She said she got it from Celestia and that it can increase Sweetie Belle's magic! With this, we can take on some changelings for sure!”
“Yeah, maybe y'all can take on some changelings,” Applejack began again. “But what if y'all meet a whole army of them? They are still out there somewhere! It was not even half a year ago when Chrysalis captured y'all!”
“But the changelings that caught us have changed themselves into animals! That was different!” Apple Bloom continued arguing with her big sister.
“An' who says they won't do that again?”
“But Twilight said they.....”
“Ah don't care about what Twilight says to this!” Applejack interrupted her harshly. “Ahm your big sister and not Twilight! An' mah answer is no!”
Apple Bloom was running out of ideas. They had tried out every argument to convince Applejack, but nothing had worked. She sat down and stared sadly at the ground. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle followed her example.
Applejack came a step closer to her little sister and lifted her chin with her hoof. “Listen, Sugarcube,” she began talking again, more softly now. “Ah can understand why ya want to go, but ah can't risk loosin' mah little sister. What should ah do without ya?” Apple Bloom didn't answer and just continued eyeing the ground.
“Oh, Applejack, ya too overprotective again!” Granny Smith entered the room. “Ya should let those fillies go!”
“Y'all too, Granny?” Applejack looked shocked at her, with her mouth wide open.
“When ah travelled through Equestria ah was even a year younger than our little Apple Bloom here! An' ah didn't have a wheeled shop to hide! Ah was sleepin' under the open sky an' when ah needed money to buy food ah had to work for it. An' ah was alone! Ah wasn't travelin' with two friends that could have helped me!”
“I know this story, Granny,” Applejack answered. “But that were other times back then! Today, Equestria is much more dangerous!”
“What do ya know! The Scariest Cave of Equestria already existed back then an' ah can tell ya that it was much more dangerous than the cave we saw! An' ah met more than one changeling on mah journey!”
“But y'all don't understand—”
“Don't tell me what ah understand an' what not!” Granny Smith raised her voice and shot Applejack an angry glance. “Ah had many dangerous adventures, but ahm still here!”
She looked at Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle and eyed them scrutinizing. “Ah can see the same fire in their eyes like I had in mine when ah started my journey! Those fillies have everything they need to handle some dangerous adventures!”
“But—” Applejack began again, but Granny Smith interrupted her.
“Ahm maybe old but ahm still part of this family an' ah have to say somethin' about that too! An' ah know much more about adventures than ya, Applejack! Ya should have more respect for an old adventurer!”
Granny Smith's talk reminded Applejack again on it that her knowledge about adventures was really much bigger than her own. She sighed. “Okay, Granny, ah let Apple Bloom go. But only because ah have respect for ya as an adventurer.”
Big McIntosh still looked worried, but Granny's talk had the same effect on him. He agreed with a short “Eeyup!”.
“That's what ah wanted to hear!” Granny said satisfied.
Apple Bloom's eyes lit up and she jumped happily on the back of her big sister. “Thank ya, sis!” She snuggled her head against hers.
“Ahm not happy about this, Apple Bloom.”
“Don't worry, Applejack, ah'll be careful! Everything will be fine!” She wrapped her little hooves around Applejack's neck from behind and snuggled even more against her.
Then she jumped down and walked over to Granny Smith. She embraced her with a hug. “Thank ya, Granny!”
Granny put a hoof around her. “Ooooh, there's nothing to thank for! How could ah not support a buddin' adventurer pony?” she replied with a smirk.
Apple Bloom presented her with a smile and then let her go and trotted back to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. They looked at each other and grinned.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Traveling Salesponies!” they shouted together. Then they jumped into the air and exchanged a high-hoof together.
“Now we just have to build a wheeled shop an' then our journey can begin!” Apple Bloom said excited. “We should begin now with it, the sooner we're ready, the sooner we can leave!” she added in her youthful ambition. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle could only agree with her. Scootaloo picked up the jewel and put it on her back again and then they proceeded to gallop outside as Applejack suddenly stopped them.
“Not so fast, y'all three!” They stopped and turned around to her. Apple Bloom looked worried at her big sister.
“Y'all should wait until tomorrow with that,” Applejack said. “It's already evening an' time for dinner. Scootaloo an' Sweetie Belle, y'all should go home now. Ya parents are waitin' for y'all. Ahm sure they want to eat dinner with ya today.”
“That's right. Soon they won't see us for a long time,” Scootaloo said with a trace of sadness in her voice. She looked to Apple Bloom. “We have much work ahead of us tomorrow so we all get better soon to bed tonight!”
“Right an' tomorrow we'll meet here again to build our shop!” she answered, barely able to contain her excitement.
Sweetie Belle and she waved a quick goodbye to her and then left the farm house and hurried back to their families. When they were gone, the Apples sat at the table for dinner.
For the rest of the evening, Apple Bloom only talked about the journey that lied ahead of her and she was already busy with imagining what adventures she and her friends would experience on their journey. As she had finished her meal she stood up from the table to go up to her room. “Ahm goin' to bed now. Good night, y'all!” she said tired.
Applejack, Big McIntosh and Granny Smith wished her a good night too and then she headed up the stairs. Applejack looked after her until her tail disappeared at the top of the stairs. “Ahm afraid, Granny. What if mah decision was wrong?”
“Oh, don't worry, Applejack,” Granny Smith replied with her soft voice. “Apple Bloom has a strong will, ah know she will make it.” She gently and reassuringly touched one of Applejack's hooves.
“Ah hope ya'll be right, Granny.....”
When Apple Bloom entered her room, the saddle bag with her potions caught her eye. She took it into her hooves, looked at it and smiled. Soon she would get her cutie mark, she was sure of it. And together on a journey with her friends it would be even more fun to get it!
She trotted over to her desk and placed the saddlebag carefully on it and then she climbed into her bed. She snuggled into the pillow and pulled the blanket close to her chin. “Ahm sure a cutie mark for potion mixin' will look good on mah flank,” she thought to herself.
In her last awake moments she was already designing the shop they wanted to build tomorrow in her imagination and with these thoughts, she slowly fell into a deep sleep.
This is a fine concept to work with, but a lot of concepts are fine, most not, but all can be awesome with proper execution. It looks like you do need to improve your execution, and even if you follow everything I'm about to say, you still have a ways to go. So don't take any of this the wrong way. Use what I'm about to say as a stepping stone for improvement. I figure I may be the only one to do this for the chapter without being asked, so I'll do my best to give advice.
The biggest problem throughout this story is use of grammar. Grammar itself is fine, in fact it's some pretty dang awesome grammar. But it's how you use it, it makes the language of the story seem artificial. It's usually a symptom I see when someone who speaks a different language writes in English. I don't know if that's your case, but you can improve your grammar use with reading stuff from popular authors.
Just to illustrate what I'm saying: "So far, she already sold two potions and she was quite satisfied with these first sales. Two successful sales minutes after they opened their business was a good success. She hoped that the success will continue to get rid of all the potions she made to get her cutie mark, because she wouldn't know what to do with all those potions, if she shouldn't be able to sell them all."
That paragraph is fine grammatically, but usage it artificial. In the first sentence, you don't need to use "she" twice since "she" was established as the subject the subject the first time. The second sentence has a several problems, mostly concerning word order. "Two successful sales minutes" sounds like the two minutes after opening were financial successes, or it could be interpreted that minutes after opening, there were two sales. "Their business was a good success" sort of makes it sound like the former, but it can be improved as a whole. "She hoped success will continue to rid of all the potions she made" has subject problem and a connotation problem. Success is the subject, which is used quite cleverly here but is typically not something that does physical actions. "To rid" has a negative connotation, meaning that it sounds like Applebloom hates the potions in some way. "If she shouldn't be able to..." is just redundant. You don't need it here.
Just as a comparison, I rewrote the paragraph. "So far, she had already sold two potions and was quite satisfied with their sales. Minutes after opening for business, they were already successful with two sales.She hoped the success would continue to sell all of the potions, since she wouldn't know what to do with the leftovers afterwards."
Now a short little lesson on Active voice verses passive voice. Don't use passive voice (Unless you really want to do it). It's usually the sign of weak writing since it doesn't have a direct object. "Shops were opened" is passive voice, since the person doing the action isn't the subject. "Ponies opened their windows" is active voice, since the person doing the action is the subject. A good rule of thumb I use to tell the difference is to see if the sentence makes sense if I add "by zombies" at the end. "Shops were opened 'by zombies'" makes sense, so it's passive voice. "Ponies opened their windows 'by zombies'" makes less sense, so it's active voice.
And on a narrative standpoint, it was a bit rushed. "The next hours were not so successful anymore, like they hoped they would be" says what you want to say, but it's a major plot point. Don't summarize major plot points in a single sentence. Expand on it. For this example, start of with a paragraph or two on how the CMC are going around with hopeful attitudes, and continue on with their hopes diminishing. Then bring up their hopes a bit with a couple of sentences referencing a sale, then continue on the downward spiral.
So, expand on stuff like that. You could have potentially expanded the potion selling scene and the treehouse scene into 6k words, expanding on their discussion of traveling Equestria. Then start of the next chapter trying to convince their respective guardians to let them travel. Heck, you could have expanded the authors note in the next chapter by explaining in some way Cherilee's relationship with Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle's parents don't have any time written here to establish the relationship, so that was something you could expand on in the next chapter. Then you could finish the last third of the chapter with the conflict between Applebloom and Applejack.
So, I hope at least some of that will help you. You have potential, you just need improvement. But I guess that's why most of us are on this site, too improve.
4021454 Wow, you dropped a bomb on me. It feels quite intimidating to get such a big critique as the first comment to a new story.....
Let's see.....
I know that this was probably just poorly worded, but it basically reads like "Your story is crap, bro, forget it and make a new one!"
That's the biggest reason why your comment intimidates me.
I hope you're more careful in your wording the next time......
I'm actually not a english native speaker, I usually speak german, but I do think that I'm already very skilled with handling the english language and that I only make mistakes very rarely.
See the next paragraph for what I mean.
You say it has a double meaning, but actually it hasn't.
Because the term "sales minutes", like in how many minutes have already passed since the sale started, is not existing.
So, there is no danger of someone confusing what I meant and it's fine as it is.
But, you do made me think about something. Can it be that I should add a comma after "sales"?
Because that's actually really a problem I have: When must I add a comma and when not?
I used to know it since an education in school some years ago, but I forgot the rules and I never can memorize them......
Hmm, I guess you're right with that one. I will replace "success" with "outcome".
This is actually a misinterpretation from your side. I didn't wrote about a physical action here.
"Continue" is not a physical action. To say "The success will continue." is the same like saying "The bad weather will continue."
She doesn't hate her potions. The situation is, that she was so eager to get her cutie mark, like it's typical for Applebloom, that she made WAY TOO MUCH potions.
She just realized too late how much she made in her zeal and was pretty worried, because she didn't knew what to do with all those potions now, so, she decided to sell them.
They feel like unnecessary ballast for here and they are so much that she feels intimidated by the sheer number of them, so, yeah, she indeed wants to "get rid" of them.
"Get rid" must not always mean you hate something/someone.
I'm not sure about this one. I read the sentence without that, but it just sounds wrong to me without that and I can't change something, when it doesn't feel right for me.
But I see your point here. Yeah, that's right. I will change that.
This is something I can only strongly disagree. That's a stylistic device that adds more atmosphere and that makes the story more creative than to simply describe what ponies do (They finished their breakfast, they opened the shops, they did go to school, ect.) and I saw that in plenty of stories and books.
It's not a sign of weak writing. In fact, it makes writing even stronger, as I explained above.
This is something I will stick with and use it when I think it's fitting.
So, now about the expanding. First, about the expanding in general:
You should notice that I had a 7000 word count for the first chapter, because of the requirements of the WTG from Equestria Daily.
Which limitates the possibilities a bit. But, it doesn't feel rushed to me. I think I put in everything that's necessary for the first chapter, especially because the big focus of the story lies on the adventure aspect.
Aside from the word count, this was intentional.
I did intend it that way, to wrap that up quickly. I do see your point, don't get me wrong.
I'm aware of it that it's important for a good story to describe everything as much as possible to stretch and expand it and make it more interesting to read.
But, even if I hadn't this word count, I don't think I had wrote it that way. I'm unsure about that, because to write that part longer would give me the feeling to focus on something rather unimportant, which then takes away the focus from the really important story aspect, and I think that it's also a mistake to stretch a story too much by filling it with things that are rather unimportant for the story as a whole.
I could be wrong with this one, though, but it feels like this. To writing the part you mentioned longer would more feel like damaging the story for me.
To me, it feels like a balance between very long and well described parts and small, quick parts is the most important thing when writing a good story to not loose the focus on the main plot.
I can't deny that you're quite right with that. As I said, I'm aware of it that it's necessary for a good story to stretch things as much as possible. First, I even planned to end already this chapter with them leaving Ponyville. But then I realized that this would be wasted potential, since there are so many things to tell: The building of the shop, the preparations for the journey, buying things for it, the Crusaders packing their things, their last days in Ponyville, how they experience these last days, how they feel about leaving their hometown soon, the last night, Scootaloo spending some last time with Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle with Rarity, ect. So, I decided to make a second chapter in which they are still in Ponyville and make their preparations.
I'm aware of it that it's important to stretch a story as much as possible, but I have to admit that I have some issues with your suggestions here.
I will refer to the single points:
This made me having the most headache. I already feel good enough as a writer to write a long story (if I'm right will show the next chapters), but I don't feel already good enough to fill 6000 words with only the selling scene and the treehouse scene.
To be exact, I don't even think it's possible to write 6000 words with those two short scenes, from which the second one even only goes over some minutes.
I don't know, maybe I'm just not skilled enough yet for that. But I don't feel like it's possible to stretch those two scenes over a whole chapter.
Aside from it, that I don't think that it's possible to fill this first chapter only with these short events, there is something I'm not sure about.
Let's say, I would make the first chapter only with the potions selling in the morning and with the treehouse scene and end with it, that they chase off to their families, the second chapter about their efforts to convince them, combined with some backstory about Scootaloo and Cheerilee, and the third one about the preparations for the journey and their last time in Ponyville, like mentioned above, and just really start with the journey in chapter 4 (!) wouldn't that be too long before the core of the story is reached?
What I mean is, wouldn't it be too long until the story really get's to it's point?
I think to expand on too much things before the journey starts could take away the focus from the journey itself too much so that in the end, when the journey finally starts, no reader is really interested in it anymore, because of the long waiting.
I'm not sure, but it feels to me like that.
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Making an intimidating post was not my intent. Criticisms can be intimidating, but they can be a good way to see how someone from the general public sees your story. You took it quite well, which is good since you can look back at this several months down the line and see what you and other people thought about your work then vs now.
And you're pretty good with English, but my biggest complaint would be that it sounds fake. It usually has something to do with mental translation. I guarantee you'll improve over time.
As for the word count, I forgot about that. In retrospect, 6k words would be a bit too much for just two scenes, though a couple of paragraphs could be added to each scene to provide some context.
And please don't interpret the expansion bit as "everything needs as much detail as possible". "Provide enough detail to sufficiently pass on an idea to the audience" is a better way to say it.
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As I said, to me, it does sound completely natural. And I think with mental translation you mean, some associates it in the head in a wrong way. Well, as I said, since the word "sales minutes" doesn't exist, I don't think this can happen either.
But this brings me back to a question I had, and that you didn't answer:
Should I add a comma after "sales" to make it more clear?
I did that now, but I'm not sure if it's right to add a comma there.
And (I can already imagine how arrogant this sounds now) I do think my at moment that my english is already so good, that I can't improve more in my stories.
But maybe that's just because I don't realize where I have to improve it?
I guess I will see that when I became more experienced in writing, because my way of writing and wording will probably change automatically over time when I get better.
At moment, I don't have a clue how I can tweak the treehouse scene more. For me, it feels like they talk already very long about their journey, weighing up the pro's and con's and talking about their reasons enough.
And for the shopping scene it still does feel wrong and harmful for the story to add more, for me.
I already wrote something about their selling experiences with Rose buying a whole bunch of potions and after that, I thought it would stretch the scene too much when I would write more.
But maybe this is because of lack of experience too? I'm not sure and confused now.
Exactly my thoughts. The treehouse scene, for example, gives the readers of my story already enough details to imagine why they think about becoming traveling sales ponies, why they finally decide it and how they weigh up the pro's and con's and also that it was not an easy decision for them, in my opinion.
Or Sweetie Belle's parents. I think the show itself already established very much that they trust Sweetie very much and let her do many things.
In "Sisterhooves Social" they let her make the whole breakfast for Rarity, even when it turns out then that she is miserable at cooking.
And they show in this scene that they have a very high opinion of her and that they think that she is capable of doing many things.
That's what I thought on, when writing this scene, so I thought it's not necessary to explain more.
Or is it maybe a mistake to make a fanfic so much depending on the show, and should I explain it either when it's already a bit established in the show?
4038659 I have no idea if you've been battered with this advise, but the best way to improve language control is through reading. That doesn't just apply to other languages. Reading books or stories in any language will help you improve in that language.
The scene with Sweetie Belle's parents was fine with description. But the build up to their decision was a bit too quick. Yes, they could believe Sweetie Belle is a capable mare, but I would think any parent would be at least reluctant to let their child run off across the country, specially if they're still in school.
4039027
Well, I do read quite many MLP: FiM fanfictions, so this should help over time.
Also I discovered that, when I read one of my fanfictions after writing it, I suddenly find many mistakes and that I'm able to it to write this parts in the right way then.
It doesn't work during writing, but after it.
Because that I wrote this:
Her mom let the plate she just held in her hooves glide into the kitchen sink and turned round. She looked at Sweetie Belle and a sad, worried expression could be seen in her face. Her dad put his newspaper down and looked in the same way at her. Sweetie Belle looked down at the table. She expected a no from her parents.
I wanted to avoid to let them go all extremely worried and "You can't do that! That's too dangerous!" and stuff, because then it wouldn't sound anymore like they trust her that she can make that and that she is capable of making such a journey and returning alive and without too many injuries or something like that.
Do you have any advice for me about the usage of comma's?
4039345 I recommend reading published English books, since they've been sorted through by countless editors before going public, unlike fan-fiction, which is lucky to even have one editor. Off the top of my head, a good book series to start off is Harry Potter. Then maybe you could branch off to the works of Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, both of whom are famous British comedy writers. Actually, I think the best place to start would be a book called Ready Player One.
Commas, like sentence structures, can be narrowed down to formulas, but can sound artificial if used the same way over and over again. I presume you had grammatical lessons while learning English, which may have included comma usage. I don't know how it's used in German, but I assume there's enough similarities for a basis.
The best advice I can give about commas is think of how you would say something. When you're normally talking, you don't pause between words unless you have a comma or period. Sentences have periods to separate them, creating a pause in speech. Think of the pause you make in between sentences. Cut that pause in half, and that's the pause a comma would make. It's a short pause, but it's noticeable. If you're talking and you make a pause similar to that, that's where a comma will go.
The best thing is to pay attention to other people's sentence structures. I strongly recommend taking notes from books instead of fanfiction, for the reason given above. Though multiple sources can help.
How does she know her name? The Changeling Queen never said it
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I'm actually not sure about that. I watched the first two seasons only in german so far and in the german version of "A Canterlot Wedding", "Chrysalis" is mentioned.
They also know her name in the official comics.
And I think most fanfictions handle it that way.
So, I was going with that.
Thanks for favoriting my fanfiction! I try my best to bring out the next chapter as soon as possible!
4059565 Das mit der deutschen Fassung ist mir bekannt, hab die Folge auch gesehen