The forces of Tartarus invade Equestria, now Twilight and friends must team up with a group of demon-hunters to stop them, but can they tolerate the groups questionable methods?
I press my right hoof to my chest, lock my left hoof out, and lower my head. “Your Majesty.”
“Hold there for a moment, I need to use the toilet or the can as they call it today.”
Oh Luna!
She opens the door with her magic and as she steps outside a grey blur flies straight into her face and they both go crashing to the ground.
I remain bowed.
Wow, quite the Vigilant one aren't you Tavi?
There’s some groaning and then a panicked shriek from a raspy voice that I recognize as Chaplain Derpy’s.
DERPY?! Hell yes!!!
“Grand Master Luna, I’m sorry! We have an emergency!”
“I hope it’s important enough to warrant barging in here unannounced,” she says with a grate in her tone.
“Canterlot is under attack! Demons are in the city slaughtering civilians!”
WHAT?!?!
“Well, the warning came down from Princess Celestia your majesty. She and Princess Twilight are currently engaged with a very powerful demon in the skies above the castle and at the same time we’re getting flooded with reports of demons running loose on the streets committing a massacre.”
SHIT!!! PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!
The courtyard is littered with the corpses of royal guards, twitching gold bedecked limbs splayed alongside headless torsos that gush up blood. The small surviving contingent of the guard is being swarmed by winged succubi and bald fury demons that come soaring in over the gates. Bon-Bon is already on them, cleaving a skinny succubus in half while the rest of her squad rush to join her. Derpy shouts to be heard over the fury of the fight, calling out their movements.
GO DERPY!!!
I fire a crossbow bolt at the demon who’s fucking the guard’s head. I hit it right in the back of its fleshy bald skull, shocking it for a second and buying the guard enough time to stick his halberd through its hairy stomach and disembowel it. Derpy charges in at the same time, slicing the left demon before it can react, gashing its pale face and sending it flipping to the ground. It lands on its taloned feet, holding a long sizzling scar beneath its pure black eye.
Take that mother bucker!!!
It snarls as Derpy swings at it again and catches her blade in its jagged teeth. It forces her back against the castle wall and tries to stab her with its jagged hulking claws. The points stick less than an inch in her cloak, stopped by the magic enchantments in the material, and then the demon falls weak, struck cripplingly ill by the effects of the holy water. I rush behind it before it can force its way back up. I bury my saber in its neck, catch the spine, then decapitate it with a swift jerk.
Nice one!!! Show those demons who's boss!!!
“Why Chaplain?”
“Because this incubus is the only thing we've seen so far in terms of threats and our intel said this place was supposed to be swarming with demons.”
The squadron is silent. The crackling of fire is all that's heard.
Wait...what?
I nod to Derpy. She takes out her last vial of Nephil and sprinkles it in her eyes. She then flies up above us and looks out across the city.
“This is odd Captain. Every demon in the area is heading out of the city.”
“They're leaving?” I say in astonishment. “Why? They had complete control over this section. It doesn't make sense.”
Something is very fishy here....
“Maybe they ran out of victims to feast upon,” an agent says.
“Or maybe they saw us coming and shat themselves,” jokes another
Or maybe they're taking out the big guns!!!
“Captain!” Derpy shouts. “There are still some demons left nearby, three of them! I think… I think they're Motholite demons!”
“Motholite demons? You’re positive about that?”
“Yes, Captain I’m positive.”
“Son of a bitch. Where are they?”
“Coming south on Pepper Street Captain, approaching Horn Avenue.”
“Captain!” shouts another pegasus. “I've spotted civvies running from that area. Some are wounded.”
“Mother fucker. Pegasi, fly ahead and unleash a volley of Dragon’s Breath on the bastards. Take them out if you can, but do not engage them directly!”
Go, hurry!!!
I scream the order, but it’s given too late. The demon plows headlong into the left flank of the spearpony line. Agents scream as they’re gored, trampled, and devoured. Blood bursts out of crushed faces, splattering against my cheeks. I dive out the way of the stomping hooves. Several soldiers try to regroup and hold their spears up against the giant, but with too few numbers it does nothing. The spearheads embed into the demon’s wrinkly grey chest and the poles snap off from the force. The magically enchanted robes offer only mild resistance against the demon's horns. There’s another horrific wave of crying as the demon impales several agents and gnaws their bones.
NO!!!
“Princess Luna and Celestia have ordered a full-scale evacuation of Canterlot,” he says. “This has been greatly complicated by the fact that large sections of the city are currently swarming with demons, making rescue efforts difficult. Captains Hazal’s squadron is currently engaged in the theater districts and has so far been successful in clearing out the enemy and getting civilians out. Captain Blue Moon’s squadron is deployed in the market district and has been meeting heavy resistance, though still managing to defend the civilians. There are also stray squads of order agents who were out on patrol during the attack who have managed to hold the exits to the city against repeated assaults. This gives us firm control over the majority of Canterlot, however, the demons still have a major foothold downtown. Order agents in that area were forced to retreat and all have reported massive casualties both military and civilian.”
Son of a bitch!!!
The wind whistles in my ear and a thin layer of vapor builds up on my skin. The demon smacks Bon-Bon’s ax to the ground and then lifts up another hoof to finish her off. I leap five yards through the air and slash the demon’s hoof, right through the bend of its knee. It shrieks and flings its wounded hoof back at me. I jump, flip over its flailing hoof, then gash the beast across the cheek. It stumbles back, giving me enough time to launch myself off the ground, stab my blade into its neck, and swing myself up onto its back.
It snarls and bucks furiously, smashing itself against buildings and flailing its whole body to throw me off. I grab on to its gnarled mane tight enough to rip it from its scalp and brace myself against the collapsing stone that rains down on its back. I drive one of my sabers deep into the back of its neck, then swing across and bury the second one into its throat.
The demon howls then jumps high into the air. It twists around, I lose my balance, grip the swords I have lodged in its neck until they come sliding out. I fall several dozen feet through the air. The demon raises its hooves to come crashing down on top of me upon landing. I point my swords to give it one last dying stab when Derpy comes flying across and pulls me out of harm’s way.
GO OCTAVIA AND DERPY!!!
“Captain…” Derpy approaches staring at me in awe. “How the hell did you do that?”
I snort out a heated breath and answer in a low gravelly tone. “About a shot and a half of Samson wine.”
Her reverent face fades into shocked horror. “You drank what!”
I'm guessing that's very bad.
“We can trade stories later chaplain. Right now, Sergeant Bon-Bon needs your help and we also need to sweep the area for any more civvies.”
“No, Captain,” She stands right in front of me and blocks my path. “I don’t think you know how dangerous what you just did is.”
“It was half a shot below the maximum dose,” I spit while pushing her out of the way.
“That’s not the point. You just suffered from massive blunt force trauma to the chest, and then you go and take one of the strongest numbing agents known in Equestria.”
“That’s what numbing agents—are—fugh—” I’m suddenly light headed and fall onto my back. The smoke from the city is swirling above me like stormy clouds, drifting off into nowhere. How delightful.
OCTAVIA!!!
“Shit! Shit! This is what I was trying to warn you about!” Derpy says. She sounds distressed for some reason. I don’t know. I’m going to rest my eyes now.
“Knife! Goddamnit, somepony get me a knife!”
Pulsing, burning pain drums in my brain. I feel like I just woke up from a three-day bender.
I blink my eyes slowly. My sight adjusts to the ashen skies. Sergeant Bon-Bon sits in front of me. Her robes have been taken off, one of her arms is in a cast and her whole torso is wrapped in bandages. Her head and the left side of her face are also bandaged up, yet she still manages to smirk at me with that unshakable confidence.
“Motholite charge, full force, to the chest,” she says. “Don’t you start trying to outdo me, Captain.”
“What the hell happened?” I groan.
“After you started napping Chaplain Derpy Hooves moved like lightning to bring you back. Stuck a knife in your side, somehow that got you breathing again. Got a unicorn to cast some pretty serious healing spells on you as well. She said you’ll still need surgery after all this, but for now, you won’t die. She was confident enough about that to leave you in my care while she went off treating more wounded.”
Oh thank goodness Octi's okay!
Canterlot is in flames. The walls have crumbled, houses flattened, and massive sections of the city are rising with the smoke. The castle still stands, like a blazing jewel atop a melting crown. Flashes of light and fiery death shoot across the sky above it, with little regard for the capital below. The princesses fight on, and the demon still endures.
They're not messing around this time.
There’s a blinding explosion that sends a shockwave that can be felt even out here, miles out from the city. The grass is uprooted, foals are knocked to the ground, and the burning end of my cigar is blown out. When the blast dies down there’s nothing but a massive cloud of smoke hovering above the city, which slowly dissipates to reveal an empty sky, devoid of any demons.
They're gone...but what about...?
The crowd erupts into elated applause, chanting the names of the princesses and praising God with tears in their eyes.
Bon-Bon chuckles and slaps me on the shoulder. “They made it look easy.”
Yeah, they did. I don’t like that.
Neither do I.
“Twilight!”
The Princess’s drake assistant comes rushing out of the crowd and hurtling down the crater. Princess Twilight looks at him like a mother just finding her lost foal. She moves several agents out of the way with her magic and opens an arm to embrace him. She holds his crying face against her chest. He asserts repeatedly that she’s dying, and she assures him that she’s not. She stands up, against Derpy’s protests, and casts a spell to wipe away the blood on her face. The drake devolves into sobbing about how worried he was and thinking she was hurt, and the princess holds a hoof against his back.
I think I hear Bon-Bon sniffle in tears at this scene. I can’t help be feel sympathy as well. The drake reminds me of my sister when she’s not being an ass.
Oh Spike...Twilight....
The reunion is cut short by another tremor that rips through the earth and another wave of dirt splatters across everyone. Everypony looks over and sees another crater formed in the ground just a short ways away from Twilight’s. There’s a figure that moves in the dust. Princess Twilight approaches the crater horn glowing with violent magic. The dust settles, and everyone gasps when they see Princess Celestia, hunched down in the dirt, blood and scorch marks draped across her body.
Damn!
Celestia beams up at us all. Then a third shockwave hits right behind her. Celestia is thrown forward, but manages to catch her balance and turns back with a violent glow surrounding her horn. The dust settles, a massive figure begins to emerge. Ponies scream as the hulking black demon comes into view. It crouches low to the ground, and yet still towers three stories over the princess. It stares down at her with swirling fiery eyes, and between its grinning jaws lays Grand Master Luna, her hooves hanging limp, and her head bobbing ever so slightly with the faintest signs of life.
LUNA!!!
The aggressive light surrounding Princess Celestia’s horn instantly fades. She stands stone still, staring up silently at her unconscious sister. The demon chuckles and spits Luna out into its claw.
“This has been an extraordinary game you’ve played Celestia, but I grow bored. Either start cooperating with me, or I shall begin playing a game of my own. I warn you though, my games are of a much more intimate nature than yours.”
It holds Luna upside down in its grip then raises her up to its snout and takes a loud snorting sniff between her legs.
...
...
...
...
TEAR HIM APART!!!
“Release her this instant or swear by all heaven I’ll—”
BRING THE FULL MIGHT OF THE SUN ON YOU!!!
“Do what?” the demon chides. “Sick your indomitable elements of harmony on me?”
Or that, either way!
“Your one trump card is miles away in some tiny farming village, doubtlessly fellating the importance of being there for friends when they need you most.”
Princess Twilight’s bent wing furls aggressively.
“Meanwhile, your best efforts against me have only succeeded in granting me some mild titillation. It was exciting for a time, but I’m beyond erect at this point and aching for release. So I offer you a choice once more. Come with me, hear what I have to say, and no more harm will come to your subjects or your sister. Resist, and I will defile your sister before your very eyes, in front of all of your citizens. And if you still refuse after that, I shall peel each individual layer of skin off her body, one at a time, until she dies of shock. Then I shall incinerate all of your subjects. Make your choice. Either one will bring great pleasure to me.”
You son of a...!!!
“Stop! You win!” Celestia shouts.
Celestia....
Princess Twilight shoots forward, limping down the crater, screaming hysterically. “Celestia, don’t do this! We can get the elements up here! We can’t surrender!”
Twilight, at this point, there's no other option!
Celestia looks back at her with a look in her eyes that scares me more than anything, genuine fear and insecurity. “We’re not surrendering Twilight! I have to go in order to keep my subjects safe. You must take up the throne in my stead. You must lead Equestria now!”
Do it for her!
Princess Twilight freezes in her advance, seemingly petrified by what she heard. “No. Princess, we need you! I can’t lead Equestria on my own!”
Yes you can!!!
“There’s no time Twilight!”
DO IT NOW!!!
The demon snaps its fingers and a gigantic twisting black portal appears behind it. It turns to walk through it. Princess Twilight stares at the hulking beast and clenches her tearful eyes shut. When she opens them again they’re glowing a pure ethereal white.
“No! I won’t let this happen!”
NO, YOU IDIOT!!!
There’s a venomous sound, the bellow of death. The demon’s eyes pulse with twisting hellish flame. Princess Twilight falls to the ground, her chest jerking and limbs flailing like she’s having a seizure.
TWILIGHT!!!
“Calm yourself,” the demon says. “She will survive, though I foresee many sleepless nights for that one, for more than one reason.”
YOU...!!!
I look back up at the portal, desperate to ask when she was supposed to take up her own throne, but Celestia is already gone. The portal fades and behind it Canterlot burns.
"The can" feels very out of place for the setting, especially being said by Luna in that manner.
The stuff around the demon skullfucking a severed head and getting killed was difficult to read due to lots of ambiguity relating to which guard is doing what.
Relatedly, with decapitations, I feel there were a tad too many having happened prior to the agents' arrival, one or two should've happened during. As-is, it feels like the agents were slow to respond.
It felt like there was a little too much Dragon's Breath, removing some tension as they never seemed close to running out.
That numbing agent acting instantly with just a few licks was a bit much...very little liquid would be gotten, surely, relative to an actual dose of the stuff.
Bon Bon really should be at least somewhat impaired after all that; her massive injuries without consequence gives a feeling of "plot armor" (no tension/drama because characters we know are invulnerable).
The presence of cigarettes in this setting is jarring. I get cigars and alcohol, but cigarettes are a real stretch. Basically, there's clearly no corporate system to push a highly mass-produced (and thus low quality crafted) product like that that's extremely bad for your health, and their society wouldn't look kindly on such a thing anyways.
We never get the names or even descriptions of any pony that died beyond race, role, and adult/child; none of them talk either before dying. This is understandable for civilians, but for the agents, it furthers the feeling of "plot armor". We should at the very least get the POV character thinking about who didn't make it briefly (surely he knows some of them, or at least their names), if not outright have a side character be an agent that dies midway brutally.
Other than that, chapter is a tad long and could've done with being split into two parts.
"The can" feels very out of place for the setting, especially being said by Luna in that manner.
It was actually my intention that this sounded a little out of place.
“Hold there for a moment, I need to use the toilet or 'the can' as they call it today.”
The idea here is that Luna had just happened to hear a modernish euphemism and is now repeating it to try and sound more "in with it". Perhaps this particular phrase wasn't the best choice to get that idea across. Can you suggest some alternatives?
The stuff around the demon skullfucking a severed head and getting killed was difficult to read due to lots of ambiguity relating to which guard is doing what.
Agreed. I'll tweak this a bit.
Relatedly, with decapitations, I feel there were a tad too many having happened prior to the agents' arrival, one or two should've happened during. As-is, it feels like the agents were slow to respond.
Probably tweak this too.
It felt like there was a little too much Dragon's Breath, removing some tension as they never seemed close to running out.
That numbing agent acting instantly with just a few licks was a bit much...very little liquid would be gotten, surely, relative to an actual dose of the stuff.
I'll try and tweak this a bit for the sake of it feeling less like plot armor, but I should point out that I did intend for the Order to come off as a little overpowered in this chapter (at least when it came to mook tier demons.)
Basically, there's clearly no corporate system to push a highly mass-produced (and thus low quality crafted) product like that that's extremely bad for your health, and their society wouldn't look kindly on such a thing anyways.
People are perfectly capable of making poor health decisions on their own, corporate advertisements just spur them on. I don't foresee this changing in Equestria, especially if you're willing to accept other unhealthy habits such as drinking and cigars.
We never get the names or even descriptions of any pony that died beyond race, role, and adult/child; none of them talk either before dying. This is understandable for civilians, but for the agents, it furthers the feeling of "plot armor". We should at the very least get the POV character thinking about who didn't make it briefly (surely he knows some of them, or at least their names), if not outright have a side character be an agent that dies midway brutally.
I'll look into this.
Thank you again for the in depth criticism. It's truly appreciated.
9561144 "The loo" would be an obvious mild drop-in; perhaps "the shitter" if you want it intense (given they appear to have the word "shit" in their vocabulary), or "the crapper" for a middle-ground approach that would retain much of the comedic value of Luna not realizing how vulgar it is. Basically, "the can" feels out of place to me because it has a connotation of being urban American slang that would be more a Manehattan thing than Canterlot, and is so euphemistic as to be a bit jarring as something trying to show Luna is trying to be hip with the less prim and proper types there.
The order didn't feel overpowered, because they kept losing lots of mook-tier agents (making them seem to only slightly win overall). It ended up feeling like only the three named characters were overpowered, which is the trouble. To make the overpoweredness be spread among the order in general, you'd want to reduce the amount of losses, and more evenly distribute losses between named and unnamed characters (ideally, nameds are more likely to die than unnameds, to completely remove a plot armor feeling just from being named and given lines). You'd also want some unnamed agents to pull off surprise survival/victory, and for Bon Bon in particular to do it a little less. Without rereading, I remember something on the order of a minimum of 12 dead agents among a total force not exceeding 40. So, among unnamed characters, that's 12 out of 37...a death rate of 32%, which makes them look incredibly weak. Maybe I got the total size of the force wrong, but it felt somewhat unclear while reading, and didn't seem like more than a few dozen (I initially put 30 above instead of 40...). Relatedly, I should mention that only 3 characters really talking and being named felt a bit odd in and of itself. I recommend at least 5 and at most 7 given meaningful dialog. Combined with the above, 2 could die alongside 6 unnameds and that'd put deaths at an overall rate of 20%, which would make the order feel somewhat overpowered, while dissolving the plot armor feeling.
Oh yes, individuals will for sure make poor choices, but the issue is that at a scale of societal decision-making (gov't lawmaking, mostly), ponies would prohibit the development of industries based around exploiting poor decision-making and making ponies in large quantities develop severe health problems.
Oh Luna!
Wow, quite the Vigilant one aren't you Tavi?
DERPY?! Hell yes!!!
WHAT?!?!
SHIT!!! PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!
GO DERPY!!!
Take that mother bucker!!!
Nice one!!! Show those demons who's boss!!!
Wait...what?
Something is very fishy here....
Or maybe they're taking out the big guns!!!
Go, hurry!!!
NO!!!
Son of a bitch!!!
GO OCTAVIA AND DERPY!!!
I'm guessing that's very bad.
OCTAVIA!!!
Oh thank goodness Octi's okay!
They're not messing around this time.
They're gone...but what about...?
Neither do I.
Oh Spike...Twilight....
Damn!
LUNA!!!
...
...
...
...
TEAR HIM APART!!!
BRING THE FULL MIGHT OF THE SUN ON YOU!!!
Or that, either way!
You son of a...!!!
Celestia....
Twilight, at this point, there's no other option!
Do it for her!
Yes you can!!!
DO IT NOW!!!
NO, YOU IDIOT!!!
TWILIGHT!!!
YOU...!!!
And it only gets worse form here.
9438765
I think I'm going to be looking forward to your comments at the end of each chapter. They fill me with joy.
Oh, if you only knew how prophetic this statement is going to turn out to be.
9439375
Color me intrigued...and terrified!
A few things I noticed:
Other than that, chapter is a tad long and could've done with being split into two parts.
9559584
It was actually my intention that this sounded a little out of place.
The idea here is that Luna had just happened to hear a modernish euphemism and is now repeating it to try and sound more "in with it". Perhaps this particular phrase wasn't the best choice to get that idea across. Can you suggest some alternatives?
Agreed. I'll tweak this a bit.
Probably tweak this too.
I'll try and tweak this a bit for the sake of it feeling less like plot armor, but I should point out that I did intend for the Order to come off as a little overpowered in this chapter (at least when it came to mook tier demons.)
People are perfectly capable of making poor health decisions on their own, corporate advertisements just spur them on. I don't foresee this changing in Equestria, especially if you're willing to accept other unhealthy habits such as drinking and cigars.
I'll look into this.
Thank you again for the in depth criticism. It's truly appreciated.
9561144
"The loo" would be an obvious mild drop-in; perhaps "the shitter" if you want it intense (given they appear to have the word "shit" in their vocabulary), or "the crapper" for a middle-ground approach that would retain much of the comedic value of Luna not realizing how vulgar it is.
Basically, "the can" feels out of place to me because it has a connotation of being urban American slang that would be more a Manehattan thing than Canterlot, and is so euphemistic as to be a bit jarring as something trying to show Luna is trying to be hip with the less prim and proper types there.
The order didn't feel overpowered, because they kept losing lots of mook-tier agents (making them seem to only slightly win overall). It ended up feeling like only the three named characters were overpowered, which is the trouble. To make the overpoweredness be spread among the order in general, you'd want to reduce the amount of losses, and more evenly distribute losses between named and unnamed characters (ideally, nameds are more likely to die than unnameds, to completely remove a plot armor feeling just from being named and given lines). You'd also want some unnamed agents to pull off surprise survival/victory, and for Bon Bon in particular to do it a little less.
Without rereading, I remember something on the order of a minimum of 12 dead agents among a total force not exceeding 40. So, among unnamed characters, that's 12 out of 37...a death rate of 32%, which makes them look incredibly weak. Maybe I got the total size of the force wrong, but it felt somewhat unclear while reading, and didn't seem like more than a few dozen (I initially put 30 above instead of 40...).
Relatedly, I should mention that only 3 characters really talking and being named felt a bit odd in and of itself. I recommend at least 5 and at most 7 given meaningful dialog. Combined with the above, 2 could die alongside 6 unnameds and that'd put deaths at an overall rate of 20%, which would make the order feel somewhat overpowered, while dissolving the plot armor feeling.
Oh yes, individuals will for sure make poor choices, but the issue is that at a scale of societal decision-making (gov't lawmaking, mostly), ponies would prohibit the development of industries based around exploiting poor decision-making and making ponies in large quantities develop severe health problems.