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Illumipony

The strangest and maddest of myths, are often merely symbols or allegories based upon truth.- H. P. Lovecraft

Illumipony Joined 24th Oct, 2013 · Offline

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Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #1 · Jan 26th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
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I snap out of my thoughts. I smile and hug Spike close. “You’re right, I ought to just have a little more faith in my friends. Honestly, what would I do without you, Spike?”

He lifts up a finger. “Worry yourself into an anxiety-induced coma?”

I snort. “That’s silly Spike. You can’t worry yourself into a coma.”

“If anypony is going to be the first, it’ll be you.”

Totally Spike:rainbowlaugh:!

My chest tightens up and I take two steps away from her. “Celestia, you don’t regret saving your sister do you?”

There’s something like horror in my voice and I turn my head away from her almost ashamed for having asked the question.

I hear her sigh again, dejectedly. “If you asked me that question before her return I would’ve said ‘no’ without a moment of hesitation, but now… There is one detail that genuinely makes me question myself, and that’s the fact that if the roles had been reversed, and it was I who betrayed Luna and she forced to stop me, she would’ve killed me without a second thought.”

“How do you know that?”

I turn my head back and see her staring at me dead on with the gravest of looks in her eye. “Because she told me so. She said I would have been dead before I could draw my sword.”

I totally believe that:twilightoops:! Nopony messes with Lua:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

Luna clears her throat. “Princess Twilight, I would like you to meet the commander of Arch Company, and the most highly decorated field officer in the entire organization. Captain Octavia.”

The mare pulls her hood back, the darkness inside evaporates to unveil a fall of neat black hair down the back of her neck and a grey coat like the color of a rain cloud. She places a hoof to her chest and bows low to me. “It is an honor to make your acquaintance your majesty.”

OCTAVIA:pinkiegasp:?!?!?!

“I know it might not make sense to you now. Give yourself a few years in your new title. You’ll understand my frustration with rigid formality and may even come to appreciate these small antics I allow.”

I'd probably feel the same way:ajsleepy:.

“Seeing the demons themselves is the main priority. I know you’ve already read what they’re capable of, but you also know there’s a vast difference between a scene on paper and an actual event that affects real lives. I know you’re scared to go near these demons, and rightly so, but it’s a risk I fully believe is necessary just so there’s no room for doubt when you decide what must be done in order to protect your subjects.”

Give it time Twilight..give it time:twilightsmile:.

“These statues weren’t up for three days before a string of disappearances started occurring. First, it was individuals, lone business ponies on their way home from work, mother’s on a morning stroll with their children, then entire families started vanishing, and foals were snatched right out of their classrooms. Names disappeared faster than the press could print them and the country was in a panic. Our defense force scrambled to investigate, to find a link between all these disappearances, and eventually, they found one. That’s when I got that horrific report, all the victims in the recent disappearances, every single one of them, shared a direct lineage with one of the three ponies you see before you.”

I get a cold sweat. “The kidnappers were targeting their descendants?”

Celestia nods. “Once we were made aware of that fact we laid a trap for them with their next target. They were successfully captured and brought in for interrogation. I was livid at this time, to the point of allowing some interrogation methods I’m not proud of, but we got them to spill everything. How they did it, why they did it, how many of them were left, and the location of their victims.”

Damn, that must've been a crazy time:twilightoops:!

“There was so little left of them they couldn’t be identified. The stallions had been castrated, the mares impaled, all of them had been raped, skinned, and mutilated beyond description. Not even the foals were given mercy if anything they were even more sadistic with them. It was cruel even by the standards of demons.”

I guess even the demons have their limits:unsuresweetie:...

She looks at me with a soft but serious expression. “You are a Princess now Twilight. Soon you’ll be governing your own part of Equestria and my input over your decisions will lessen over time. That growing independence, however, will come with a heavy responsibility. You must think carefully about the choices set before you and weigh the outcomes and the consequence of each carefully. Rushing to a decision out of emotion or carelessness will only lead to disaster.”

Wise words from a wise ruler:twilightsmile:.

“Princess Celestia, what an honor it is to meet you.”

It bows to my mentor casting a massive shadow over us in the process. My eyes snap to my mentor and I see her shaking. “You… No… That’s impossible. How are you here?”

“So you recognize me. That simplifies things.” The creature leans down and extends its wings of pure fire casting a massive heated shadow that encloses the section of the garden like an oven. “I’m going to offer you one chance to hear me out without resisting and spare this city a couple thousand lives. Come with me right now. I have a proposition you will be very interested in hearing.”

Oh boy, here we go:twilightoops:!

CrimsonWalker
CrimsonWalker #2 · Jan 26th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
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This has a better start than the old one. Will continue to track.
From a grammar enthusiastic: Celestia and I, not Me and Celestia.

Illumipony
Illumipony #3 · Jan 26th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
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9423066
Fixed.
I'm glad you liked it so much. :twilightsmile:
9423021
Damn, this must be one of the most extensive comments I've ever received. Thank you so much. Oh, and just so you know, Octavia is going to have a big role in this version. You're going to get a decent picture of that next chapter. :rainbowdetermined2:

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #4 · Jan 26th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
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9423141
Can't wait to see it:scootangel:! By the way, I read your other story of Sweetie Devil, and it was gloriously and devilishly brilliant:pinkiecrazy:!!!

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #6 · Feb 4th, 2019 · · · Chapter 2: Prepare for Attack ·
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I press my right hoof to my chest, lock my left hoof out, and lower my head. “Your Majesty.”

“Hold there for a moment, I need to use the toilet or the can as they call it today.”

Oh Luna:rainbowlaugh:!

She opens the door with her magic and as she steps outside a grey blur flies straight into her face and they both go crashing to the ground.

I remain bowed.

Wow, quite the Vigilant one aren't you Tavi:applejackunsure:?

There’s some groaning and then a panicked shriek from a raspy voice that I recognize as Chaplain Derpy’s.

DERPY:pinkiegasp:?! Hell yes:pinkiehappy:!!!

“Grand Master Luna, I’m sorry! We have an emergency!”

“I hope it’s important enough to warrant barging in here unannounced,” she says with a grate in her tone.

“Canterlot is under attack! Demons are in the city slaughtering civilians!”

WHAT:pinkiegasp:?!?!

“Well, the warning came down from Princess Celestia your majesty. She and Princess Twilight are currently engaged with a very powerful demon in the skies above the castle and at the same time we’re getting flooded with reports of demons running loose on the streets committing a massacre.”

SHIT:twilightoops:!!! PREPARE FOR BATTLE:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

The courtyard is littered with the corpses of royal guards, twitching gold bedecked limbs splayed alongside headless torsos that gush up blood. The small surviving contingent of the guard is being swarmed by winged succubi and bald fury demons that come soaring in over the gates. Bon-Bon is already on them, cleaving a skinny succubus in half while the rest of her squad rush to join her. Derpy shouts to be heard over the fury of the fight, calling out their movements.

GO DERPY:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

I fire a crossbow bolt at the demon who’s fucking the guard’s head. I hit it right in the back of its fleshy bald skull, shocking it for a second and buying the guard enough time to stick his halberd through its hairy stomach and disembowel it. Derpy charges in at the same time, slicing the left demon before it can react, gashing its pale face and sending it flipping to the ground. It lands on its taloned feet, holding a long sizzling scar beneath its pure black eye.

Take that mother bucker:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

It snarls as Derpy swings at it again and catches her blade in its jagged teeth. It forces her back against the castle wall and tries to stab her with its jagged hulking claws. The points stick less than an inch in her cloak, stopped by the magic enchantments in the material, and then the demon falls weak, struck cripplingly ill by the effects of the holy water. I rush behind it before it can force its way back up. I bury my saber in its neck, catch the spine, then decapitate it with a swift jerk.

Nice one:scootangel:!!! Show those demons who's boss:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

“Why Chaplain?”

“Because this incubus is the only thing we've seen so far in terms of threats and our intel said this place was supposed to be swarming with demons.”

The squadron is silent. The crackling of fire is all that's heard.

Wait...what:rainbowderp:?

I nod to Derpy. She takes out her last vial of Nephil and sprinkles it in her eyes. She then flies up above us and looks out across the city.

“This is odd Captain. Every demon in the area is heading out of the city.”

“They're leaving?” I say in astonishment. “Why? They had complete control over this section. It doesn't make sense.”

Something is very fishy here...:twilightangry2:.

“Maybe they ran out of victims to feast upon,” an agent says.

“Or maybe they saw us coming and shat themselves,” jokes another

Or maybe they're taking out the big guns:twilightoops:!!!

“Captain!” Derpy shouts. “There are still some demons left nearby, three of them! I think… I think they're Motholite demons!”

“Motholite demons? You’re positive about that?”

“Yes, Captain I’m positive.”

“Son of a bitch. Where are they?”

“Coming south on Pepper Street Captain, approaching Horn Avenue.”

“Captain!” shouts another pegasus. “I've spotted civvies running from that area. Some are wounded.”

“Mother fucker. Pegasi, fly ahead and unleash a volley of Dragon’s Breath on the bastards. Take them out if you can, but do not engage them directly!”

Go, hurry:twilightoops:!!!

I scream the order, but it’s given too late. The demon plows headlong into the left flank of the spearpony line. Agents scream as they’re gored, trampled, and devoured. Blood bursts out of crushed faces, splattering against my cheeks. I dive out the way of the stomping hooves. Several soldiers try to regroup and hold their spears up against the giant, but with too few numbers it does nothing. The spearheads embed into the demon’s wrinkly grey chest and the poles snap off from the force. The magically enchanted robes offer only mild resistance against the demon's horns. There’s another horrific wave of crying as the demon impales several agents and gnaws their bones.

NO:raritycry:!!!

“Princess Luna and Celestia have ordered a full-scale evacuation of Canterlot,” he says. “This has been greatly complicated by the fact that large sections of the city are currently swarming with demons, making rescue efforts difficult. Captains Hazal’s squadron is currently engaged in the theater districts and has so far been successful in clearing out the enemy and getting civilians out. Captain Blue Moon’s squadron is deployed in the market district and has been meeting heavy resistance, though still managing to defend the civilians. There are also stray squads of order agents who were out on patrol during the attack who have managed to hold the exits to the city against repeated assaults. This gives us firm control over the majority of Canterlot, however, the demons still have a major foothold downtown. Order agents in that area were forced to retreat and all have reported massive casualties both military and civilian.”

Son of a bitch:facehoof:!!!

The wind whistles in my ear and a thin layer of vapor builds up on my skin. The demon smacks Bon-Bon’s ax to the ground and then lifts up another hoof to finish her off. I leap five yards through the air and slash the demon’s hoof, right through the bend of its knee. It shrieks and flings its wounded hoof back at me. I jump, flip over its flailing hoof, then gash the beast across the cheek. It stumbles back, giving me enough time to launch myself off the ground, stab my blade into its neck, and swing myself up onto its back.

It snarls and bucks furiously, smashing itself against buildings and flailing its whole body to throw me off. I grab on to its gnarled mane tight enough to rip it from its scalp and brace myself against the collapsing stone that rains down on its back. I drive one of my sabers deep into the back of its neck, then swing across and bury the second one into its throat.

The demon howls then jumps high into the air. It twists around, I lose my balance, grip the swords I have lodged in its neck until they come sliding out. I fall several dozen feet through the air. The demon raises its hooves to come crashing down on top of me upon landing. I point my swords to give it one last dying stab when Derpy comes flying across and pulls me out of harm’s way.

GO OCTAVIA AND DERPY:yay:!!!

“Captain…” Derpy approaches staring at me in awe. “How the hell did you do that?”

I snort out a heated breath and answer in a low gravelly tone. “About a shot and a half of Samson wine.”

Her reverent face fades into shocked horror. “You drank what!”

I'm guessing that's very bad:twilightoops:.

“We can trade stories later chaplain. Right now, Sergeant Bon-Bon needs your help and we also need to sweep the area for any more civvies.”

“No, Captain,” She stands right in front of me and blocks my path. “I don’t think you know how dangerous what you just did is.”

“It was half a shot below the maximum dose,” I spit while pushing her out of the way.

“That’s not the point. You just suffered from massive blunt force trauma to the chest, and then you go and take one of the strongest numbing agents known in Equestria.”

“That’s what numbing agents—are—fugh—” I’m suddenly light headed and fall onto my back. The smoke from the city is swirling above me like stormy clouds, drifting off into nowhere. How delightful.

OCTAVIA:twilightoops:!!!

“Shit! Shit! This is what I was trying to warn you about!” Derpy says. She sounds distressed for some reason. I don’t know. I’m going to rest my eyes now.

“Knife! Goddamnit, somepony get me a knife!”

Pulsing, burning pain drums in my brain. I feel like I just woke up from a three-day bender.

I blink my eyes slowly. My sight adjusts to the ashen skies. Sergeant Bon-Bon sits in front of me. Her robes have been taken off, one of her arms is in a cast and her whole torso is wrapped in bandages. Her head and the left side of her face are also bandaged up, yet she still manages to smirk at me with that unshakable confidence.

“Motholite charge, full force, to the chest,” she says. “Don’t you start trying to outdo me, Captain.”

“What the hell happened?” I groan.

“After you started napping Chaplain Derpy Hooves moved like lightning to bring you back. Stuck a knife in your side, somehow that got you breathing again. Got a unicorn to cast some pretty serious healing spells on you as well. She said you’ll still need surgery after all this, but for now, you won’t die. She was confident enough about that to leave you in my care while she went off treating more wounded.”

Oh thank goodness Octi's okay:scootangel:!

Canterlot is in flames. The walls have crumbled, houses flattened, and massive sections of the city are rising with the smoke. The castle still stands, like a blazing jewel atop a melting crown. Flashes of light and fiery death shoot across the sky above it, with little regard for the capital below. The princesses fight on, and the demon still endures.

They're not messing around this time:twilightoops:.

There’s a blinding explosion that sends a shockwave that can be felt even out here, miles out from the city. The grass is uprooted, foals are knocked to the ground, and the burning end of my cigar is blown out. When the blast dies down there’s nothing but a massive cloud of smoke hovering above the city, which slowly dissipates to reveal an empty sky, devoid of any demons.

They're gone...but what about...:rainbowderp:?

The crowd erupts into elated applause, chanting the names of the princesses and praising God with tears in their eyes.

Bon-Bon chuckles and slaps me on the shoulder. “They made it look easy.”

Yeah, they did. I don’t like that.

Neither do I:twilightoops:.

“Twilight!”

The Princess’s drake assistant comes rushing out of the crowd and hurtling down the crater. Princess Twilight looks at him like a mother just finding her lost foal. She moves several agents out of the way with her magic and opens an arm to embrace him. She holds his crying face against her chest. He asserts repeatedly that she’s dying, and she assures him that she’s not. She stands up, against Derpy’s protests, and casts a spell to wipe away the blood on her face. The drake devolves into sobbing about how worried he was and thinking she was hurt, and the princess holds a hoof against his back.

I think I hear Bon-Bon sniffle in tears at this scene. I can’t help be feel sympathy as well. The drake reminds me of my sister when she’s not being an ass.

Oh Spike...Twilight...:pinkiesad2:.

The reunion is cut short by another tremor that rips through the earth and another wave of dirt splatters across everyone. Everypony looks over and sees another crater formed in the ground just a short ways away from Twilight’s. There’s a figure that moves in the dust. Princess Twilight approaches the crater horn glowing with violent magic. The dust settles, and everyone gasps when they see Princess Celestia, hunched down in the dirt, blood and scorch marks draped across her body.

Damn:twilightoops:!

Celestia beams up at us all. Then a third shockwave hits right behind her. Celestia is thrown forward, but manages to catch her balance and turns back with a violent glow surrounding her horn. The dust settles, a massive figure begins to emerge. Ponies scream as the hulking black demon comes into view. It crouches low to the ground, and yet still towers three stories over the princess. It stares down at her with swirling fiery eyes, and between its grinning jaws lays Grand Master Luna, her hooves hanging limp, and her head bobbing ever so slightly with the faintest signs of life.

LUNA:pinkiegasp:!!!

The aggressive light surrounding Princess Celestia’s horn instantly fades. She stands stone still, staring up silently at her unconscious sister. The demon chuckles and spits Luna out into its claw.

“This has been an extraordinary game you’ve played Celestia, but I grow bored. Either start cooperating with me, or I shall begin playing a game of my own. I warn you though, my games are of a much more intimate nature than yours.”

It holds Luna upside down in its grip then raises her up to its snout and takes a loud snorting sniff between her legs.

...

...

...

...

TEAR HIM APART:flutterrage:!!!

“Release her this instant or swear by all heaven I’ll—”

BRING THE FULL MIGHT OF THE SUN ON YOU:flutterrage:!!!

“Do what?” the demon chides. “Sick your indomitable elements of harmony on me?”

Or that, either way:twilightangry2:!

“Your one trump card is miles away in some tiny farming village, doubtlessly fellating the importance of being there for friends when they need you most.”

Princess Twilight’s bent wing furls aggressively.

“Meanwhile, your best efforts against me have only succeeded in granting me some mild titillation. It was exciting for a time, but I’m beyond erect at this point and aching for release. So I offer you a choice once more. Come with me, hear what I have to say, and no more harm will come to your subjects or your sister. Resist, and I will defile your sister before your very eyes, in front of all of your citizens. And if you still refuse after that, I shall peel each individual layer of skin off her body, one at a time, until she dies of shock. Then I shall incinerate all of your subjects. Make your choice. Either one will bring great pleasure to me.”

You son of a...:flutterrage:!!!

“Stop! You win!” Celestia shouts.

Celestia...:fluttershysad:.

Princess Twilight shoots forward, limping down the crater, screaming hysterically. “Celestia, don’t do this! We can get the elements up here! We can’t surrender!”

Twilight, at this point, there's no other option:fluttershyouch:!

Celestia looks back at her with a look in her eyes that scares me more than anything, genuine fear and insecurity. “We’re not surrendering Twilight! I have to go in order to keep my subjects safe. You must take up the throne in my stead. You must lead Equestria now!”

Do it for her:fluttershysad:!

Princess Twilight freezes in her advance, seemingly petrified by what she heard. “No. Princess, we need you! I can’t lead Equestria on my own!”

Yes you can:raritydespair:!!!

“There’s no time Twilight!”

DO IT NOW:twilightoops:!!!

The demon snaps its fingers and a gigantic twisting black portal appears behind it. It turns to walk through it. Princess Twilight stares at the hulking beast and clenches her tearful eyes shut. When she opens them again they’re glowing a pure ethereal white.

“No! I won’t let this happen!”

NO, YOU IDIOT:flutterrage:!!!

There’s a venomous sound, the bellow of death. The demon’s eyes pulse with twisting hellish flame. Princess Twilight falls to the ground, her chest jerking and limbs flailing like she’s having a seizure.

TWILIGHT:raritycry:!!!

“Calm yourself,” the demon says. “She will survive, though I foresee many sleepless nights for that one, for more than one reason.”

YOU...:flutterrage:!!!

I look back up at the portal, desperate to ask when she was supposed to take up her own throne, but Celestia is already gone. The portal fades and behind it Canterlot burns.

And it only gets worse form here:twilightoops:.

Illumipony
Illumipony #7 · Feb 4th, 2019 · · · Chapter 2: Prepare for Attack ·
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9438765
I think I'm going to be looking forward to your comments at the end of each chapter. They fill me with joy.

And it only gets worse form here:twilightoops:.

Oh, if you only knew how prophetic this statement is going to turn out to be.

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #9 · Feb 9th, 2019 · · · Chapter 3: Lust and Desire ·
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“Hail, Princess Twilight!”

I jump at the choir of voices. There’s an ocean of ponies behind me, a sea of faces that floods the streets of Canterlot, every winding zig-zagged street, as well as the cartoonishly high rooftops, and the violet colored clouds. I see my friends, rather my dream friends lined up in a row at the front. Dream Rainbow Dash and Dream Fluttershy are standing with their wings spread to their fullest extent and smiling with barely contained excitement. Dream Pinkie Pie makes no attempt to contain her excitement, bouncing up and down like she’s on a trampoline and declaring ‘I can’t wait, I can’t wait’, over and over again. Dream Applejack stands with her front hooves crossed and smirking confidently, much more contained than the others, and Dream Rarity applies a bit of eyeliner to her face like she’s preparing to go out on a date.

The buck:rainbowderp:?

I smile nervously and wave. “Hey, girls, what’s with this huge crowd?”

That's what I'm wondering...:applejackunsure:.

“What, you don’t remember?” Dream Rainbow says like she’s offended. “It’s your coronation Twilight. You’re taking Princess Celestia’s place on the throne.”

Wait...:pinkiegasp:....oh crap:twilightoops:!!!

“We’re throwing you a super huge, super special, coronation party Twilight!” says Dream Pinkie. “I invited everypony I knew, and told them to invite everypony they knew, and everypony they’ve only met a few short times in their lives. I can’t wait to get it started. Hail Princess Twilight!”

Only somepony like Pinkie Pie could host a celebration like this:ajsmug::rainbowlaugh:!!! Still, this SO not good:twilightoops:!!!

Thousands of excited purple eyes stare down at me with expectant smiles. This is starting to head into nightmare territory, literally. Better change it quick.

And hurry, you have to get back to the others:twilightoops:!!!

I close my eyes and focus intently on imagining that scene from Count Buckula I always use to recreate in my dreams as a teenager, the one where the count’s three daughters are outside Rush Trotter’s room and are trying to coax him out, all while Trotter himself is giving every excuse he can think to stay in while he sneaks out the window. I almost feel like I’m inside that cold castle bedroom until I open my eyes and see the thousands of ponies still staring at me with thousands of purple eyes.

“Hail Princess Twilight!”

I’ve been dabbling with lucid dreaming since I was a filly. Princess Luna was impressed by how well I controlled my dreams. What the hell is going on?

This is so not right:fluttershyouch:!!! You should be out of here by now:twilightoops:!!!

Stop. Deep breath. You’re getting nervous. Bad emotions always bring on bad dreams. Just wake yourself up. You can go to Princess Luna and ask her questions about this later.

“Hail Princess Twilight!”

OH SHUT UP:flutterrage:!!! We all know none of you are real:flutterrage:!!!

“Come on sugar cube. Let's get you up there on that fancy new throne already,” says Dream Applejack.

Sorry 'AJ' no can do:ajbemused:.

I face the crowd with a forced smile. “Thanks everypony, but this is all just a dream. I’m not actually about to take Celestia’s crown, because I’m going to wake up soon and be back in the real world.”

They all look at me confused, but continue smiling like a made a joke.

“What are you talking about sugar cube?”

“Yeah, you uh, seem pretty awake to me,” says Dream Fluttershy.

“No, I mean this is a dream. You’re all a dream. None of this is real, and now I’m going to wake up soon.”

“But I can’t wait,” Dream Pinkie says disappointedly.

Once again, sorry, but she ain't staying' here:twilightangry2:!!!

I shake my head and wait a few moments. Then a few moments longer. Nothing happens. Things don’t fade away. The rising feeling I’d normally get when I’m about to wake up never comes.

Twilight...:applecry:.

Something isn’t right. Acknowledging that you are dreaming out loud is usually the quickest way to wake up. It’s worked every time I’ve done it in the past, there’s no reason it shouldn’t be working now. I am actually dreaming, right? Yes, I have to be. The way those roads twist and zig-zag make no logical sense, it is physically impossible for buildings to go that high, and no weather phenomenon I am aware of could ever make things this purple.

I think for a moment and remember back to the most recent time I knew I was awake. Was there anything unusual going on? I was studying this morning, fiddling with translation spells, talked with Spike, toured the Order facility with Luna, met that rude Captain, had that conversation with Celestia in the garden, and then—

The air in my lungs freezes.

The Demon. The city. Princess Celestia and Luna! No! No, no, no! I’m not asleep. I’m unconscious! This is bad. This is very, very bad! Canterlot has been destroyed, both Princess Celestia and Luna have been kidnapped, she left me in charge of everything, and I’m passed out on the ground not able to do a Luna damned thing!

It's all coming back now...Octavia, Derpy, Bon Bon, Celestia, LUNA:raritycry:!!!

Oh, Luna! Oh, Celestia! What do I do? I’ve never had to wake myself up from getting knocked out. Is that even possible? Oh Luna, what if I’m in a coma and I’ll only wake up thirty years from now after all of Equestria has been destroyed? I’m the only princess left! Who’s going to rule the nation? Oh Celestia, what do I do?

Breathe Twilight, breathe! Now is not the time to be freaking out now! Don't make the same mistake you did in the last chapter:raritydespair:!!!

“Hail, Princess Twilight! Hail, Princess Twilight!”

I jam my hoof into my chest to stop myself from hyperventilating. I look back at my dream friends and the dream crowd and nearly scream.

“Stop! Just stop! I’m not supposed to be here! I’m not your princess!”

LEAVE HER ALONE:flutterrage:!!!

I fly straight up, flapping my wings as hard as I can. I fly past the cheering pegasi in the clouds, higher and higher, what feels like miles above the purple tinted city. If I flew high enough in other dreams I’d eventually wake up. That doesn’t happen this time. I just keep going higher into the violet sky, and then suddenly I can’t fly anymore. I fall. I panic and flap my wings, but it’s like there’s no air or wind resistance. My wings catch nothing and I just plummet to the ground faster than I came up. I hit the stone streets. I feel no pain, except for the shouting voices.

“Hail Princess Twilight! Hail Princess Twilight!”

“Shut up!”

I conjure up an energy spell and fire a laser beam at the twisting knotted buildings. It doesn’t make a dent. I fire explosions, lightning, fire, I try to uproot the very stonework of the streets with levitation, but it’s like playing tug-of-war with a giant. My levitation spell breaks and I fall on my back from the force.

“Hail Princess Twilight! Hail Princess Twilight!”

“I said stop!” I shout. “I told you I’m not your princess. I’m the princess out in the real world! Not in here, not in a dream! I need to get out of here. I need to see my real friends and my real subjects. They’re the ones that need me now!”

SOMEPONY GET HER OUT OF THERE:fluttershbad:!!!

“Hail Princess Twilight!”

It’s like they can’t even hear me. Maybe they actually can’t. Oh Celestia, is this how things are going to be? Am I trapped inside my own subconscious? Unable to escape and doomed to be tormented by my own fears and guilt? That’s it isn’t it. I’m stuck here with these fake ponies while all the real ones are out there suffering, helpless, without a princess to guide them.

I feel like an ocean just crashed down on my shoulders. I collapse on the ground and bury my face in my hooves. Here lies Princess Twilight. She was crowned for two weeks, did nothing, helped no one, and left all of her citizens to die.

Tears stream down my face as I whimper into my hooves. Hoof steps vibrate an inch away from me.

Oh Twilight...:fluttershysad:.

“You’re right. You’re actually one hundred percent right. Everyone here might be a dream, but my real friends are out there, and they’ll do everything they can to get me out of this, and even if they can’t they’ll still do everything to fight this demon. They’ll still save Equestria.”

“Exactly,” Dream Rainbow shouts. “Did you honestly think for a second I’d pass up a chance to kick this demon’s butt after everything it did to you? No way, I’ll hunt down that creep myself if I have to.”

“After we come by and patch you up Twilight,” says Dream Applejack.

“And throw a party for your coronation!” shouts Dream Pinkie.

“We’ll always be there to support you Twilight,” says Dream Fluttershy.

“We all have your back, your majesty.” One of the dream royal guards speaks, making a salute in my direction.

“The entire nation is behind you!” somepony shouts from the crowd, before they all scream out, “Hail Princess Twilight! Hail Princess Twilight!”

They all start chanting again, but this time I feel honored and blessed, knowing that it could easily be coming from all them in the real world. I stand up and wipe the tears from my eyes.

“Thank you so much everypony.”

If these were real, I'd do this: :rainbowkiss::heart:!!!

She reaches behind my neck and pulls me into a deep kiss. My eyes burst open like popcorn kernels. I’m so confused I can’t even move for a moment. Then she starts sucking on my lip and tries to slip her tongue inside.

“Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” I push away from her, breaking a string of saliva that connects our lips.

Applejack looks at me with sultry eyes. My heart flutters like a frightened bird.

“We’re celebrating your coronation Twilight, by showing our love and devotion to our newest Princess.”

“Yes, I’ve been waiting too long!” screams Pinkie. “Come here, butter buns.”

She launches herself at Fluttershy, tackling the timid mare to the ground and pushing her into a noisy, sloppy make-out session.

Well that came out of the blue:rainbowderp::derpytongue2:!!!

I’m still processing Applejack’s kiss while I’m looking at this insanity, and then I look around and notice that everypony is getting intimate with each other. Rainbow Dash and Rarity have found some stallions in the crowd and passionately trade saliva while guiding their hooves all over their bodies. Every citizen and guard have found a partner and are going at it in varying degrees of intensity. They kiss, lick, touch, grab, rub, hug, and oh wow, those two are straight up having sex.

Indecent bunch aren't they:ajsmug:? Then again, this is a dream:rainbowlaugh:!!!

Her eyes are a shade of purple. I stare into those lustful irises for a moment feeling my throat tighten up. I’m about to ask her what’s gotten into everypony when I suddenly recall as if discovering for the first time, that I’m in a dream. My own dream, that I control, or at least should be controlling. I am dreaming that they are doing these things. Why am I dreaming this!

Either because you really fantasized about this, or because someone is making you:twilightangry2:.

I try to concentrate on making it go away again, but I can’t look away. I’ve always had a thing for guard ponies, and especially guard stallions. Even as a young filly there was just something about that gleaming armor and those gallant looks that just drew me to them. When I got older, I had to admit there was something about the look that made stallions just seem so, virile, for lack of a better word.

Heh, noticed early on, huh Twi:ajsmug:?

I try to regain some sense of focus, but the whole atmosphere has become intoxicating. Ponies moan and gasp in pleasure all around us. Everypony has moved passed kissing at this point and is engaged in debauchery of one form or another. Dream Pinkie and Dream Fluttershy are in a group of three other mares, all eating each other out. Dream Rainbow is riding a dark earth pony stallion into the ground while servicing two others with her wings. Dream Rarity is using her magic to stimulate even more stallions while a younger one licks at her privates. All around me there’s daisy chains and gangbangs and bukkakkies, and loads of other activities others would be shocked to discover that I even know about.

Heh, always knew Rarity was a slut...:pinkiecrazy:.

I shake my head. Come on Twilight, you know there’s a dozen other ways you could wake yourself up beside this. The only reason you’re even considering it is because you want to titillate yourself. Besides, you’d be literally fantasizing about Applejack and all of your friends for that matter. Wouldn’t that be a tiny bit awkward?

If it was you doing it alone, probably not:ajsmug:.

My eyes flutter open as a thought suddenly strikes me. I have attempted to experiment like this in dreams before. Nothing to this degree, and nothing involving friends, but I have tried similarly questionable acts in past dreams and they all ended the same way; with me waking up sweaty and disappointed. There’d be some foreplay, a bit of fooling around, maybe even some penetration, but I’d always get to a certain degree of excitement where my brain couldn’t contain it, and then the dream would end. Maybe, it’ll be the same this time. If I go through with this I might just wake up.

Probably not the best idea, but hey, what have you got to lose:applejackunsure:.

Whatever awkwardness I may feel is drowned out by the torturous pleasure. Okay, on the other hoof, it really wouldn’t hurt to try. If I wake up, great. If I don’t… screw it. I want this.

And the inner primal desires burst fourth:derpytongue2:!

I’ve never thought of Applejack in this manner before, but now that I am my head runs wild with it. Such a hard worker, always attending her farm. I bet she gets really pent up working outside all the time, bet she uses whatever time she gets to blow off steam. I could see her using her tongue on all manner of mares and stallions. I bet she has tons of experience. Maybe she gets off on the taste. Maybe she laps it up like cider, can’t get enough of it, gets addicted to it like liquor, drinks it down like wine, oh fuck yes!

Jeez Twilight, you're going crazy:rainbowlaugh:! Then again, I think I can see AJ doing that:ajsmug:.

“Let’s take these boys for a ride,” I suggest.

Applejack smiles up at me. “I like the way you think sugar cube.”

She stands up from between my legs and the guards lower me back down on my four hooves. They get behind us, ready to mount, but I take them with my levitation and set them on their backs. I space them with their legs just a few inches apart from each other. Me and Applejack position ourselves so we’re facing each other positioned right over the heads of their thick stiff members. We place our hooves on each other’s shoulders and look into each other’s eyes. Her purple irises almost seem to shine. We maintain this eye contact as we lower ourselves down. I feel the head push against my entrance. It spreads me open. I bite my lip and Applejack moans aloud. There’s a few more agonizing moments of resistance, and then they both slide inside.

I nearly scream from the pleasure as I feel my rump touch the guard stallion’s hips. Me and Applejack pant and moan for a while as we adjust to the overwhelming fullness. Then we look at each other and lock lips as we begin lifting ourselves up and down.

This is certainly the farthest I’ve ever gotten in a dream. It’s certainly too good to be anything but a dream; it didn’t hurt for a second. I almost don’t want to wake up now.

Stay focused Twi...no matter how awesome all of this is, stay focused:twilightoops:!

Me and Applejack use each other for balance as we quicken our pace, moaning into each other’s mouths. Swirling colors of purple surround us, and the moans and cries from the ponies mating everywhere harmonize with our own. The guards begin to moan as well and thrust their hips up in time with our humping. The pleasure builds and builds until I feel I could almost burst from it all. Then, it explodes. My whole lower body clenches up and a warm liquid rushes down my legs. I scream out loud and feel the stallion fire off inside me, his warm seed pelting my insides. My innards clench and spasm around his cock sending waves of electric pleasure again and again, before finally dying down.

That must've been intense...:rainbowderp:.

“Wait, I thought you two were only into stallions.”

“What? We can experiment if we want,” Rainbow shoots.

“Exactly,” Rarity agrees. “Besides, we’re here to show our devotion to the Princess. It only makes sense to show that devotion in the most direct and explicit manner possible.”

I’m still weirded out by this turn of events, but I remind myself, once again, that it’s a dream. Pretty much anything goes in here I suppose.

“Alright, if you insist.”

Why am I not surprised by the fact that Rarity and RD are Bi:rainbowlaugh:!!!

“Awesome. Scoot over Applejack.” Rainbow shoves her off and lands her hooves standing directly over me. “Let me show you who the best fucker in Equestria really is.”

Typcial Dash:derpytongue2:!!!

“Where are you going Twilight?” Dream Pinkie Pie calls as she’s gets licked by three mares at the same time. “We still have all day to celebrate.”

I shake my head. “Sorry girls, but I need to leave now. Equestria is still in danger, and I’ve wasted enough time here as it is. Besides, I really don’t think I could go another round. My privates are starting to go numb with all this activity.”

“Tapping out already,” says Dream Rainbow Dash, landing in front of me sweaty, wet, and with a shaggy mane. “I thought that Alicorns were supposed to be the strongest most powerful ponies in all of Equestria.”

“I don’t think this is what most ponies have in mind when they say that.”

True, but hey...you never really know just how many pleasurable quirks there are to being an Alicorn Twi:ajsmug:. Maybe Celestia, or even Luna can help you in that department...when all of this mess is said and done that is:rainbowderp:!

Everyone suddenly turns towards a guard stallion who’s almost as big as Princess Celestia. He wears thick plated armor and beneath him lays Dream Fluttershy, writhing and squealing in pleasure as he piledrives her without mercy. I’m not sure what I find more surprising, Dream Fluttershy with a stallion or the fact that she seems to be enjoying such rough treatment. Her hips suddenly jerk and convulse violently as she screams out so loudly I’m actually afraid she might be in pain. It doesn’t calm me in the least bit when the stallion pulls out of her and lets her hips smack limp against the ground, leaving her moaning in post-coital bliss. The stallion turns toward me.

Damn, I knew that Fluttershy was dirty on the inside but WHOA:pinkiegasp:!!!

I turn into a block of stone under that gaze. I can’t even see his eyes, yet I can feel him staring at me behind that dark curtain of mane; it’s like sunlight focused to a searing point through a magnifying glass. He approaches slowly, calmly, never taking his eyes off me. Ponies step aside to make way for him. No one says a word as he approaches, no one even moves. I can’t help but think there’s something vaguely familiar about this stallion, though I’ve never seen somepony like him before. Then I notice the astoundingly large member hanging beneath his body, stiff and drooling like the venom of a snake. It’s almost scary, yet I can’t take my eyes off it.

I swear if that stallion was really real...:rainbowlaugh:!!!

He stops just a few inches away from me, and I realize I’m still looking directly at his penis. I shift my gaze up and he snorts a breath down on my face. I struggle to find my voice. “I’m— I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here any longer. I need to go—”

He spins me around so he’s facing my back and then lifts his forehooves onto my shoulders.

“Whoa, hey! Stop that! I said I can’t—”

He enters into me. I orgasm almost immediately.

That fast:pinkiegasp:?!?!?!

The sudden burst of pleasure shocks my system to such an extent that I can barely breathe. I lock my hooves out to maintain balance and pant rapidly with my face towards the ground, my eyes open and unblinking at the white covered stone. He stays still long enough for me to finish riding the intensity of my orgasm. Then he pulls back, and I orgasm again.

He starts thrusting slowly and I can’t even form a coherent sentence. When my second orgasm begins to subside I only get a few moments of rest before the third one hits. I feel like my brain is about to melt out my ears each time I cum.

Dear Celestia, how is he doing this? This shouldn’t be possible. It makes no biological sense. How can I— Oh, hell, it’s a dream, just roll with it.

I push myself back against his force as he begins quickening his pace. He keeps giving me this impossible pleasure for several minutes, and then I feel his member twitch as he fires off a massive load inside me, filling me several times over with his seed spilling out onto the ground beneath us.

It takes me twelve seconds to catch my breath after it’s all done. I look back at him with awe. “Dear Luna, that was just—”

Scientifically and biologically Impossible! that's what that was:pinkiegasp:!

“Oh my gosh. That was… what was that?” I sigh in disbelief.

The stallion throws off his helmet, letting it clank on the stone ground next to me. He rests his huge chest against my back, nuzzles the side of my cheek, and says with his breath burning on my ear. “A greeting present.”

My heart stops. That voice. I’ve only heard that voice a few times, but I recognize it with crystal clarity.

Wait...is that:twilightoops:?!?!?!

My head trembles as I turn to look. His eyes are faintly visible from this angle. I see them between the narrow openings of his mane, above his carnivorous grin. They’re not purple like everyone else. They glow red and twist like burrowing rings of flames.

YOU...:flutterrage:!!!

Adrenaline kicks in and I start casting a teleportation spell. The demon thrusts inside of me. I gasp in panic. Pleasure ripples through me, so strong I barely have the concentration to think much less cast spells. I cry out for help, twisting my head in all directions, but my friends are gone. There’s no pony in sight. I’m all alone. I claw at the paved stone to try and pull myself out. It pins my hooves to the ground and bites down on my ear. I yelp and wriggle against him, pushing and twisting in ways that only serve to help it thrust deeper into me.

I stain the ground with tears and my own juices. With no other options, I lay my face against the ground and sob uncontrollably, as each pump sends a wave of unwanted pleasure that makes me nauseous to my very core. I feel the end coming. My stomach twists and tightens like something is tugging on both ends and it’s about to rip in half. I only want it all to be over. Then I cum, and the demon cums with me. I make something between a sob and a moan as I feel its horrid seed pour inside.

YOU GET THAT FILTHY DEMONIC DICK OUT OF HER RIGHT NOW YOU BASTARD:flutterrage:!!!

“Oh, what’s wrong? Not one minute ago you were enjoying this, having the time of your life.”

She more or less was until YOU came along:twilightangry2:!!!

It pushes forward, more slowly this time. I clench my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut, yet I still shudder.

“You, tricked me,” I exhale. “You made me think you were somepony else. You’re the reason everypony is like this. You put these thoughts in my head!”

I’m yelling at the monster by the end. It only laughs and pushes in deeper. “You give me too much credit princess. Sure, I may have been misleading with my new appearance, but these thoughts, these fantasies, they were birthed from your imagination, not mine. I merely dug them out of your subconscious and brought them to the forefront of your mind.”

You what:pinkiegasp:?!?! So...oh boy...:rainbowderp:.

“Liar! I’ve never thought of my friends this way before, and I never would!”

“Oh?” The demon pauses mid thrust and leans down so close to me I can smell its smoky breath. “Then did I simply imagine the part where you gave into these desires on the flimsiest of pretexts?”

So I was right about Twi having thoughts about her friends like this...just not in the way I hoped, given the situation:applecry:.

I choke back the tears and whimper. “Why are you doing this? What do you want?”

It smirks down at me as if I were a child asking a naive question. “What I want, I will get, in due time. It is merely a matter of patience. The reason I’m here is to amuse myself while I wait.”

You son of a...:flutterrage:!!!

“Oh, that’s the look I live for,” the demon moans. “That look of absolute shock, horror, and lust.”

“I’m not enjoying this!” I scream.

Especially when she found out you were the one bucking her to paradise and back:flutterrage:!!!

“My capacity to hurt you is rather limited in here. Can’t get you pregnant, can’t give you a disease, can’t even do any real damage. I suppose I could make it a bit painful, but something tells me you might prefer that.”

It chuckles a sick laugh and tightens its grip. I gargle out a choked cry. I pry at its arm trying to make some room to breathe. It holds me like this for several minutes. I feel the pleasure return again, like a haunting specter I can’t expel. It tortures me, gnawing at my gut like a ravenous animal.

UNCLAW HER THIS INSTANT YOU FIEND!!! OR I WILL DELIVER THE FULL MIGHT OF THE KAMEKAMEHA BLAST ON YOU:flutterrage:!!!

Panic knocks the wind out of me. My whole body goes numb and for a moment I feel nothing but freezing terror and the pointed stare of the demon.

“Their cunts are gonna look like jigsaw puzzles when I’m done with them. Perhaps I’ll impregnate them, give each one their own little demonic hellspawn. Fun fact, when mortals give birth to demons, in about one in five cases, the newborns will tear straight through the stomach and feast upon their own mother’s blood. I wonder which of your friends would get the lucky child.”

DON'T YOU DARE:flutterrage:!!!

“Please, leave my friends out of this. Do what you want with me, but just leave them alone. They have nothing to do with this.”

“You know that’s not true, not unless they have no intention of trying to stop me.”

There’s a collapsing feeling in my chest, and my head shakes as I pour out more tears. The demon wraps its arms around me and kisses my forehead in some twisted mockery of a lover.

“You ponies look so cute when you’re terrified.”

YOU GET YOUR FILTHY CLAWS OFF OF HER:flutterrage:!!!

I look down at the demon to see it waving at me, and all around it, I see a hellish version of Canterlot. Buildings torn down and burning, bodies hanging mutilated from gas lamps, the stone streets turned into canals of blood. I fly higher away from this tortured city crying and screaming into the lonely void.

What a nightmare to wake up from...:applecry:.

Illumipony
Illumipony #10 · Feb 9th, 2019 · · · Chapter 3: Lust and Desire ·
Reply

9448786
I warned you things would only get worse. :derpytongue2:

Though I guess things might be looking slightly up for Twiliy in the next chapter, if only by virtue of having no place further down to go. At the moment :pinkiecrazy:

Comment posted by Illumipony deleted Feb 9th, 2019
Illumipony
Illumipony #12 · Feb 9th, 2019 · · · Chapter 3: Lust and Desire ·
Reply

9448786
On a side note you have some rather kinky head cannons about the main six. :raritystarry:

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #14 · Feb 9th, 2019 · · 1 · Chapter 3: Lust and Desire ·
Reply

9449055
You mean about Twi being into bedonism, Rarity and RD being bisexual, Applejack getting off on cider, Pinkie Pie being into gangbang orgy, and Fluttershy being into rough treatment:ajsmug:?

Ze1a7in
Ze1a7in #15 · Feb 19th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

So are the Elements still going to go to Las Pegasus? Because if not, that'a going to invalidate a good portion of Sweetie Devil. In fact, these rewrites probably already created a need to rewrite the Sweetie Devil chapter where the Elements specifically leave for Las Pegasus from Ponyville.

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron
Golden Fang Ryu Shenron #16 · Feb 19th, 2019 · · 2 · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

My eyes burn as if they’ve been submerged in acid. There’s a heavy weight on my chest. I have a ringing headache, and I feel as if I’m about to vomit. Parting my eyelids makes the burning worse, so I blink them open slowly, bit by bit. The room is dimly lit. There’s no sign of haze, blur, or out of place objects. I’m awake, but am I safe?

You are now...I think:fluttershysad:.

“Please bring her back. Please bring her back.”

Spike:rainbowderp:?

My mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is made of sandpaper, and breathing is like inhaling a swarm of hornets. I shiver a moment before I’m able to force out, “Is it gone?”

He is now...bastard:twilightangry2:.

Spike’s head pops up and his teary eyes grow big. He stares at me in stunned silence and then gets a look of tortured relief.

“Oh, Twilight!” He lurches up and throws his arms around my neck.

Spike you may not want to-:rainbowderp:!

My body turns to wood and I feel like there are a dozen icy bugs crawling all over me. My heart palpitates like a rusty steam engine and I start to sweat. I try to push him away from me, but my hooves are as weak as wet parchment, and his claws are wrapped so tightly around me.

“I was so worried,” he sobs. “They kept saying you might not make it, but I knew they were wrong. I told them you’d wake up no matter what. I knew that—”

I summon magic to rip him off me by the tail. His damp smiling face goes flat as I set him down next to the grey pegasus.

Sorry Spike...but I think the last thin Twi needs is a hug:pinkiesad2:.

“We’re so happy you’re awake,” says the agent. “You had us really worried for a second. Your wounds weren’t severe, but your breathing and heart rate was incredibly erratic. My name is Derpy, by the way, we’ve met a few times around Ponyville.”

I lean up in the bed and slump my rear hooves over the side of the mattress. I breathe in deeply and feel a stormy churning in my stomach.

“I—I need to be alone. Please leave.”

The grey pegasus is confused and Spike looks at me in shock. “Twilight, is there something wrong?”

“Just please, I need, hurg—”

Just go guys...please:fluttershysad:.

I hunch forward and press a hoof to my mouth. I vomit, splattering acidic chunks over my hooves. Spike gasps and moves forward like he’s going to touch me again. I levitate both him and the pegasus back towards the flap of the tent.

“Go! Just get out!”

Spike hesitates, but the pegasus takes him by the shoulder. She shakes her head, pulls the hood of her robes up, and leads him outside.

It'll be okay Spike:pinkiesad2:.

I crawl forward along the ground, inadvertently dragging my stomach through the puddle of vomit. I groan in response. I find the leg of a table near the back of the tent, and I pull myself up, using the edge like a crutch to support my wobbly legs. I stand for a second, hyperventilating and digging a hoof into my drumming heart. No, it was just a dream, a really, really bad dream.

A very sick and depraved dream:pinkiesick:! Created by him:twilightangry2:!

I set my crown down and spy an oval-shaped metal basin filled with water next to the table. I stumble over in front of it and bury my face in the water. I rub down my face, my hooves, pour it over my back sending small tremors of pain through it. I run the water over my chest and drench the spots where I felt its hooves. No! That didn’t happen! It wasn’t real!

I don't know Twi...:fluttershysad:.

It was just a dream. None of it was real. The demon might not have been real, but it felt real. I can still feel its breath burning in my ear, its venomous voice slithering in my mind, the feeling, no, I didn’t feel anything. That was horrific. Everything about that dream, that nightmare was wrong.

Nothing happened. I’m fine.

Your not fine Twilight:ajsleepy:.

Even as I think that I feel my hoof moving, almost subconsciously, down to the space between my legs. I feel something there, wet and gunky. My eyes squeeze shut and my hooves go stiff as metal. I pull my hoof out from beneath me, hold it in front of my face, and open my eyes. There’s a dripping white substance running down the tip of my hoof.

...

...

...

...

...

...

Say, Illumi, you wouldn't mind if I douse Asmodeous with a Kamehameha Blast, a Fire Dragon Flame Lotus Phoenix Sword, a Flame Lotus Exploding Flame Blade, and a Lightning Dragon Devolution Fist would you:pinkiecrazy:? Cause I think that's exactly what he needs...and much more :pinkiecrazy:.

My heart beats heavy and my breath starts racing. No, calm down. This doesn’t mean anything. I’m fine. I need to be fine!

You're far from fine Twilight...:fluttercry:.

“Princess Twilight?”

I scream at the new voice. I swerve to the tent flap and shoot a hoof towards the intruder. “I thought I said I needed to be al—”

My eyes widen at who it is. The grey earth pony I met at the Order HQ earlier. She takes one look at the scorched dissolving sheets behind me and then looks me dead in the eye. “I’m not even going to ask.”

“You—You’re Captain Octavia, right?”

“That is correct your majesty.” She bends her front hooves down and bows, grunting as if doing so causes her pain. I quickly tell her to rise and she assumes a more formal stance at attention, staring straight forward.

“You look like you’re in pain,” I say.

And your saying your not:duck:?

“I took an injury during the battle, but the healers have patched me up enough to stay on my hooves. They appear to have done a fine job on you as well, your majesty, considering you’re even able to stand after the beating you took.”

And the freaky seizure Asmodeous put you in:pinkiesick:!!!

“Your majesty?” she asks.

I lose balance and fall to the ground. I look up at her inhaling rapid panicked breaths. “On second thought, maybe we should move the council here. I don’t think I can handle walking through that.”

The Captain gives me a sneering look. “Your Majesty, if you are physically incapable that is understandable, but if it’s a matter of simple stage fright then you really should—”

“It is physical,” I nearly shout. “Just go, bring them here. I—I need a moment.”

I breathe heavily and look up at the Captain. She gives me a glaring vicious scowl that makes me feel five years old. “As you wish your majesty. I shall have them here shortly.”

Just give her a minute:ajsleepy:.

Why are those ponies even allowed to be out there?

I answer that question almost immediately, and immediately I regret asking it. Those ponies just lost their homes, their livelihoods, their friends, their families. They’re scared, and sad, and desperate, and looking for someone to guide them. I’m their only Princess now, and I just hid myself away from them as if they were a pack of rabid animals.

No wonder Octavia looked at me so harshly. I’m a terrible Princess.

Wrong, you just got your head screwed over that's all:fluttershyouch:.

Have I really been intimidated by this demon so much that I can’t even function? No, I was fine all through the battle. I even kept my composure after the city was destroyed. I was holding it together until that dream, but it was just a dream. No one crumbles because of dreams. No one fears for their life because of a dream. No one gets sick to their stomach because of a dream. No one has an emotional breakdown because of a dream. No one sets a bed on fire and yells at their friends because of a dream.

I cover my head and lower my face to the ground.

Deep breaths Twi...in and out, in and out...

“The council is on their way, your majesty.”

The voice is deep, scratchy, and distorted like that of a changeling. I shriek at its intrusion and jump at the entrance horn flared. There’s an Order Agent in the tent. The hood of her robes is up and her face is hidden behind an impenetrable fog of shadow. She pulls back the hood and the shadows instantly vanish revealing Captain Octavia’s face.

“You may wish to do some breathing exercises or meditation,” she says. “Something to ease your mind before the council gets here.”

After what she's been through, she needs it:pinkiesick:.

I take several deep breaths before getting the strength back in my legs. “Sorry, this demon just has me on edge.”

It has all of us on edge:applejackconfused:!

Her tone softens. “Understandable, the books and newspapers do them little justice.”

Very little:twilightangry2:.

I look back at Octavia, who for once seems to be standing at attention, respectfully. “So, all these years in Ponyville, you were actually a member of the Order.”

“I’ve been with Order for nearly twenty years now, your majesty. I was only sixteen when I joined.”

That’s the bare minimum age to enlist with the military. “That young, what made you decide to do it?”

“Circumstance,” she replies. “My mother died giving birth to my sister, then years later my father was killed by a demon. I, with the aid of my sister, killed that demon in self-defense. The Order takes note of ponies who can do that without any training, and so I was offered a shot at becoming an agent. I didn’t really have anywhere else to go at the time, so I took it.”

Following in your parents footsteps:twilightsmile:.

I stare at her nervously. “How do you deal with everything you experience on the job? All the death and horror?”

She says nothing for a moment, staying strictly at attention. Then, in a slow voice, she says, “Wine helps, and so do cigarettes.”

“I chuckle nervously. “Okay, but say I don’t want to ruin my lungs, and I need to stay sober for the time being. What then?”

She silent for another long moment. “My advice is focus. Keep yourself as devotedly focused on the here and now, what needs to be done, and what you can do to accomplish it. Everything that’s in the past, or what’s out of your control, push that to the back of your mind. Kick it out of your mind if you can. Focus solely on what’s in front of you.”

I swallow a breath. “And, what if, you can’t help but think of things out of your control? What if, they’re consuming your thoughts so much you feel like you could crumble at the slightest touch?”

There’s silence for a long time. Octavia closes her eyes, then looks directly at me. “Canterlot was not your fault. You did everything you could to save that city. I can credit you that much.”

In times like this, those are good words of advice:eeyup:.

My eyes widen. “Oh, well if you have the experience you say you do, I see no reason to turn you down. Unless any member of the— my council has any objections.”

Everyone remains silent, though I do notice that both Captain Octavia and Commander Storm Stepper are giving the Duchess unkind looks.

“No objections your majesty,” Storm Stepper says.

I look at her a moment but don’t ask anything. “Right, well, in that case, consider the job yours Duchess Dagger-Heart. Whatever formalities there are in granting you this position I ask that we forgo them, as this invasion demands our immediate attention.”

“I concur,” says Prince Blue Blood. “As fond as I am for such formal ceremonies we have little time, and even fewer resources to spare for such luxuries.”

He steps toward me, stumbling and talking in a weird tone.

“Have you been drinking?” I ask.

“Only a little,” he says. “This whole catastrophe has not been easy for me.”

It has been on all of us:applecry:.

“The situation extends far beyond that of Canterlot your majesty,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “Almost every major settlement in Equestria has reported enduring demonic attacks to varying degrees. From what we’ve pieced together it appears the more heavily populated areas were hit the hardest, while smaller towns received only minor attacks, or in some cases none at all. We’ve marked rough estimates of how many demons were spotted in each location on the map.”

I'm betting its a lot:fluttershbad:.

“We’re facing a national crisis beyond the scope of anything we’ve witnessed in our history,” says Duke Gold Standard. “Numbers are still coming in, but the death toll is already in the hundreds of thousands and will likely surpass a quarter of a million before the day is over. We have complete evacuations underway in Manehatten and what was formerly Canterlot, as well as partial evacuations in almost every other major city. We are pulling all available resources to send food and medical aid to wounded civilians, which have thankfully remained out of demonic capture with only a few exceptions. That being said, I would recommend that we focus aid efforts on moving the refugees of Canterlot to other settlements across Equestria, as without any pre-established infrastructure nearby, maintaining liveable conditions over such a long distance from surviving Equestrian settlements will quickly become infeasible.”

Got your work cut out for you don't you:applejackunsure:?

“Fortunately, the train systems have remained completely untouched from these demonic attacks,” says Gold Standard. “Assuming the tracks remain unmolested, and assuming no other complications arise such as breakdowns, fuel shortages, and the like, I would estimate about two weeks.”

Two weeks:twilightoops:?!

“In all likelihood, we can count on it taking longer,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “My guards are spread thin in just about every area across the map. What few free soldiers I have are being moved towards crisis zones in the cities where demonic activity is out of control. There’s very little I can offer in order to protect these civilians should we choose to move them.”

Crap...:facehoof:.

“I believe the Order is more than capable of guarding the civvies,” says Dagger-Heart. “Thanks to its subterranean location, the Order HQ stands as one of the few facilities to have survived the attack on Canterlot. There is still a vast reserve of demon hunting equipment and weaponry we can draw from, and more than enough agents to use them.”

“Weren’t you telling us all earlier about how nearly half of the Order agents in Canterlot were either slain or wounded in the attack?” asks Commander Storm Stepper.

In the second chapter, yes:pinkiesick:.

“We still have a formidable force outside awaiting my instruction,” says Dagger-Heart. “Besides, demons are the Order’s specialty. I don’t need to send as many ponies as you do to get the job done.”

Oi, watch it bucko:twilightangry2:!

She immediately breaks off her dispute with the Commander and beams at me. “Absolutely, your majesty. I’ll have agents on board the trains themselves, as well as several platoons watching from afar. They’ll spot any demonic threats approaching long before they can attack, and even if they make it through the trains shall be stocked full of dragon’s breath and holy water, with agents ready to fight to the death to keep everyone safe.”

Well, that's good:pinkiesad2:.

“Our gravest concern at the moment is the city of Manehatten,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “It was by far hit the hardest out of any city in Equestria, save for Canterlot. Both the local guards and Order agents were overwhelmed by the vast amount of demonic forces that flooded the city. Many civilians and some military personnel managed to escape, but we believe there are still somewhere in the ballpark of one and half million ponies trapped within the city, under complete demonic control.”

Oh I don't doubt that:pinkiesick:.

The room is gripped with an unsettling silence. No one has to be told what this means. Mass murder, rapes, and horrors beyond anything I can imagine are likely occurring in that city by the hour. God help whoever’s trapped in there now.

I inhale a cold breath as I force up the courage to ask what scares me the most. “What about the demon that kidnapped Princess Celestia and Luna? Has there been any word on that?”

Celly...Lulu:fluttershyouch:.

“Hold on,” Commander Storm Stepper says. “Lady Elusive, the demon was spotted in these locations at these exact times, your certain of that?”

Lady Elusive nods her head in a slow exaggerated manner while looking in Dagger-Heart’s direction, nearly clipping her head with her horn she gets so close.

Storm Stepper double checks the times and then looks up at me. “Your majesty, if these times are correct then the demon hit every major settlement in Equestria in less than three minutes.”

My eyes fly open as wide as wine goblets. “That can’t be possible, can it?”

“Not technically, your majesty,” says Duchess Dagger-Heart. “There are demons that exist which can teleport long distances through the use of rituals. Doing so at the pace at which Lady Elusive is presenting would require an extraordinarily powerful demon, but I’m certain there is little doubt that the particular demon we’re dealing with is of the most powerful variety.”

Yeah, about that...:twilightoops:.

“I dare say, this is all rather perplexing,” says Prince Blue Blood, who is now sitting in a large cushioned mahogany chair and ordering his wine goblet full again. “If this demon reduced our cherished Canterlot to such a state, then why did it not do the same with the more common cities?”

Good question:applejackunsure:.

“That, is anypony’s guess,” says Dagger-Heart. “Perhaps it was a special ability it was saving for an emergency, maybe Canterlot’s destruction factored into its plans. We have no way of knowing, and there are a dozen other factors that should take greater importance.”

“It might not have attacked the cities itself, but it’s possible that it may have led the armies of demons into them,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “If these timestamps are true then this demon arrived in each city mere minutes before the invasion started. It’s likely that this trail the demon blazed was the monster signaling its forces to attack.”

Possibly:unsuresweetie:.

“That brings up something else that’s been bothering me,” I say. “How did these demons attack so suddenly in the first place? How did they slip by our lookouts? Why didn’t we get an earlier warning?”

There’s a burrowing silence among all the councilors. Storm Stepper and Dagger-Heart avoid eye contact with me.

“We’re not sure your majesty,” says Dagger-Heart. “The nature of these attacks has been, puzzling.”

Very puzzling indeed:duck:.

“I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, Grandmaster.”

Every eye suddenly turns to Octavia. She’s been standing so quietly I almost forgot she was there, despite the fact she’s literally right beside me, glaring at the map like it’s a target for a bow.

Duchess Dagger-Heart looks at the Captain with a vicious gleam in her eye. “Captain, I didn’t even notice you were still here. You do realize that eavesdropping dropping on the royal council is a treasonous offense?”

Not the time guys:facehoof:.

Octavia gives a small bow to me and then turns toward the map. “Grandmaster Dagger-Heart is correct. If the demons were organizing on such a mass scale we would’ve noticed almost immediately, however, I find it highly unlikely that they were organizing. There are simply too many signs of disorder and poor planning on their part for this to be any kind of organized affair.”

“And these signs of disorder would be?” asks Storm Stepper.

“When I was on the ground in Canterlot the demons had overrun the downtown section of the city. They had the area under their complete control, with numerous civilians to kill and multiple ways they could’ve dug in and laid traps for us. They never did though, in fact, once my squad arrived almost every demon in the area had fled, despite having a clear upper hand.”

They most certainly did, and yet...:applejackunsure:.

“If this demon was intent on destroying Canterlot regardless it would’ve made sense for them to leave?” says Dagger-Heart.

“Then why have lesser demons attack the city at all?” says Octavia. “The big demon was clearly in a league of its own, it took down three Alicorn Princesses at the same time. If it wanted to destroy the city it wouldn’t have needed help.”

Very true...:unsuresweetie:. There was something else going on:unsuresweetie:.

Duchess Dagger-Heart goes silent after that.

“It also doesn’t explain the fact that similar scenes were reported all throughout Equestria,” the Captain continues. “In almost every attack the reports were the same, fierce assaults at the beginning, only for the demons to suddenly turn tail and flee while they still had an advantage. The only exceptions to this were the fights in the city where it was clear at a first glance that the demons outnumbered the military by a large margin.”

“It is a rather strange occurrence,” says Duke Gold Standard. “But it doesn’t quite disprove organization Captain.”

Maybe:applejackunsure:.

“It’s one of many strange occurrences,” says Octavia. “You mentioned earlier that our supply stores have remained for the large part untouched, despite the fact that most of them were in the cities where demons attacked. Our rail lines are also still going, despite being completely unguarded. The courier routes are also still going, we are getting messages back forth through the cities and not a single pegasi has reported being ambushed by demons.”

“What are you trying to get at Captain?” asks Dagger-Heart.

“She’s saying these demons don’t know what the hell they’re doing, and I’m starting to agree with her,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “When you go to war, you don’t just ram headlong into the enemy’s ranks, you cut off their supply lines, you block their communication, you steal their supplies and burn what you can’t use, you cripple their ability to fight until they can’t fight anymore. And as the Captain has been pointing out, these demons haven’t been doing any of that.”

Eenope, they have not:eeyup:.

“Exactly,” Captain Octavia says. “And if you want further proof then look at Cloudsdale. That city had a massive amount of demons assaulting it, yet during that entire time, not one attempt was made on the weather machines. Those production facilities could’ve thrown our entire ecosystem into chaos, yet the demons didn’t even try.”

Dagger-Heart glares at Octavia. “Okay Captain, so if these demonic attacks weren’t organized if this isn’t anything less than an invasion, then what is it? I fail to see any other logical conclusion here.”

“When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Hmmm...:ajsmug:.

I sit straight up and gape at the Captain. “Did, you just quote Sherlock Hooves?”

The Captain glances at me and gives me a sideways grin. “There’s one detail in this that I believe might point to a better explanation, and that’s the initial ferocity with which the demons attacked. When my squadron first arrived on the field, every demon in the area launched themselves frantically, I’d go as far to say suicidally at us. This, of course, is not in character for demons. They’re ferocious to be sure, but they’re not stupid. If they’re in a predicament in which they know they can’t win, then they won’t try. Yet, just as before, what my squadron experienced was not an abnormality. Every squadron of agents and every troop of guards reported that the demons were reckless in their initial attack, almost like didn’t care if they lived or died.”

I see...:unsuresweetie:.

“So how do you explain this Captain?” asks Commander Storm Stepper.

“What if the demons didn’t actually want to fight, but instead, were forced to.” Captain Octavia puts her down on the map, right in front of the big demon Lady Elusive placed on Canterlot. “We already established that this large demon was spotted right before each and every attack. What if he wasn’t signaling an attack, but instead causing it. It’s possible, that it could’ve been using its vast amounts of power to make the demons in these areas more aggressive, bloodthirsty, and violent. In that case, these attacks wouldn’t be organized assaults at all, but closer to sudden spontaneous riots.”

“Can-can demons do that?” I ask. “Make other demons more aggressive just by getting near them?”

I wouldn't put it past them to do just that:twilightangry2:. Why else would that act that way when they attacked Canterlot:twilightangry2:?

“Yes, they can,” Duchess Dagger-Heart answers. “But it’s a rare ability and the idea of one demon causing an entire city to go berserk is, frankly insane. The only effects we’ve ever been able to document showed only minor increases in hostility, and only on a single subject, and only after several minutes of intensely focused eye contact. What the Captain is describing is beyond absurd.”

“And yet, it is the only theory put forth so far that explains every peculiarity,” Duke Gold Standard says, tapping a hoof to his chin and staring down as he speaks. “Sparing our infrastructure would be an irredeemable offense for an invading army, but a more understandable one for a chaotic disorganized group.”

Eeyup:eeyup:.

“It would also explain how none of our soldiers noticed these demons moving until they attacked,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “As prepared as we were, I don’t think anyone considered the possibility that every demon in the cities would suddenly rise up and attack at the same time.”

“Not to mention the populations make sense,” says Prince Blue Blood. “As I recall, demons have a tendency to prefer more dirty and crowded areas such as the cities where they can blend in with all the rabble. If this vile demon used such an ability then it would only make sense that there would be more chaos in the more crowded settlements, such as Manehatten and Los Pegasus.”

Lady Elusive nods.

Duchess Dagger-Heart watches the room turn against her and swiftly adjusts her tone. “Well, even if this theory of the Captain’s is true, there is still the matter of what this demon will do next and how we should counter it.”

Now that'll be difficult:twilightoops:.

“That is a much more difficult question to answer,” Storm Stepper says, rubbing her chin. “We still don’t have a clear picture of what this demon’s goals or motives are, which makes predicting its moves somewhat difficult.”

“Corruption,” Blue Blood states, swirling his wine goblet. “It wants to tempt the masses into embracing its sadistic pleasures and debauchery. If it wasn’t, I fear it would have incinerated the common ponies outside, and done things to my poor aunty Luna that… I can not bring myself to describe.”

There’s a noticeable shudder in his voice and he takes a guzzling swig of the liquor. Why do I suddenly feel bad for him?

Why shouldn't you:fluttershysad:?

“Princess Twilight.” Everyone turns toward the entrance of the tent where a guard peeks in through the flap. “There’s an agent from the Order outside who claims they have information on the demon that kidnapped the princesses. Should we let her in, your majesty?”

The whole tent collectively gawks at the timing. I shake the dumbfounded look off my face and respond, “If she has information then bring her in.”

The guard salutes and raises the tent flap a little higher. In scurries a short pony, her face concealed behind a black hooded cloak similar to Octavia’s. She bows to me and says excitedly in a distorted voice, “Your majesty, it is a great honor to be in your presence.”

“Oh shit,” Dagger-Heart says. “Your majesty, I’d suggest expelling this mare immediately.”

“W-Why? What’s the prob—”

“Oh hi Captain,” the agent says, waving to Octavia. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Octavia glares fangs at the mare. “Lyra. Bow. Now.”

“Oh right, sorry your majesty.”

“Wait a minute, Lyra?”

Lyra:pinkiehappy:!!!

I motion the mare to rise and order her to pull down her hood. She does so and I confirm that yes, it’s the shaggy green unicorn I’ve been living next door to both in Canterlot and in Ponyville.

I stare at her for a moment before swerving to Octavia. “Was everyone in Ponyville sent to spy on me?”

“Guard you, your majesty.”

From what:ajbemused:? Lyra:applejackunsure:?

“Hold on, Princess Luna assigned her to guard Princess Twilight?” Dagger-Heart asks, pointing to Lyra.

“Well, technically she assigned my squad, and Lyra happens to be a part of that squad.”

“And at no point did you consider that having a fucking psychopath near the princess could be a risk to her security?”

“I’m sorry, can someone please back up a few steps and tell me what the hay is going on right now?” I yell.

“Oh, it’s simple your majesty,” says Lyra. “Duchess Dagger-Heart is concerned that my past crimes of demon worship and occult murder make me unfit to serve you now, and Captain Octavia disagrees with her.”

“Lyra has a checkered past when it comes to demons, your majesty,” says Octavia. “But those experiences do make her one of the most knowledgeable minds on occult magick in the entire Order. If she has information on this demon, I would listen to her.”

Who else but Lyra:ajsmug:?

“Checkered past? She’s still out of her Luna damned mind!”

“Shut up!” I shout.

Leave Lyra alone:flutterrage:!!!

I rub the sides of my head and breath in a mountain of air to calm me down. “Okay, Lyra, please tell us this information you have before my mother walks in wearing Order robes and I have an aneurysm.”

Before I blast the ones who insulted you into the sky:twilightangry2:!

“When I first saw that demon fly over Ponyville, I didn’t want to believe it. I knew right away who it was, but my mind refused to believe, in fact, I still don’t completely believe it. Which is why when I heard you got an up-close look at it, I knew you had to be the one to confirm this.”

She slides the tome towards me as she continues to flip the pages. I sneeze and shield my nose from the dust.

“You fought this demon yourself,” Lyra continues. “You got a better look at it than anyone else in this tent, so I’m hoping you’ll recognize this better than anyone.”

She stops flipping the pages and points her hoof at a large image on the paper. “Your majesty, is this the demon that you and the other Princesses fought?”

I wave the remaining dust particles out of my face and look down at the page. There’s a tiny paragraph of text written in one of the ancient languages and above that a large image of a bipedal creature, with limbs like that of a lizard and a chest like that of a rhino. Wings of fire spread out behind it. Its head is flat like that of a serpent with twisting gnarled horns growing out the back corners, and between them floats a halo of fire.

Its eyes. The eyes almost look like they’re spiraling on the page, exactly how they did when it attacked us in the sky when it invaded my dream when it tricked me into…

I look away with a crushing weight in my lungs. “Yes, that’s the demon. That’s the one we fought.”

And the one who mind raped you:twilightangry2:!

I push the image away so its eyes aren’t looking at me. Lyra stares down at the page with a fervent smirk and presses a trembling hoof on the page. “That confirms it then. I’m still having trouble believing it, but there’s no way I can deny it now. The demon that attacked Canterlot, is none other than the Crown Prince of Lust, Asmodeus himself.”

The source of all this evil:twilightangry2:!

“Asmodeus,” I repeat in a trepid voice. “You mean, the fallen angel Asmodeus? One of the six that fell with Lucifer himself, Asmodeus?”

“And made up his inner circle along with the other Crown Princes of Hell. Yep, that’s the one,” Lyra answers in a tone far too casual for the answer.

I slump down against the back of my seat and press a hoof to my chest. Why is it so hard to breathe?

“She’s gone mad,” Dagger-Heart says. “She was mad before, but she’s off her damn rocker now. None of the Crown Princes have stepped hoof, or talon, or whatever outside of hell since the beginning of recorded history. The only way we even know of their existence is because of the texts of the ancient ones.”

“Which this very book happens to have been written by,” Lyra responds. “Don’t believe me? See for yourself.”

She levitates the open text over to the Dagger-Heart, shoving the dusty pages in her face. “You can read the old languages, right? Tell us, what does that paragraph below the image say?”

The Duchess flattens the book on the ground and scans the paragraph in question, her face drooping further into horror as she does. “Sadism; the most feared and dangerous form of the Crown Prince of Lust, Asmodeus.”

And there you go...when Lyra has something important to say...listen:ajbemused:.

“It’s not possible,” she says. “A demon this powerful has never appeared before in Equestria. Even in the age of brimstone, when all were enslaved to the demons, no one has ever seen a demon like this.”

“No demon has ever trounced three Alicorn Princesses at once before either,” Storm Stepper says quietly.

I lower my head behind my folded hooves. Its voice is in my head, clawing my brain, threatening my friends. You’re safe here. You’re safe here.

“This leaves us no other options than,” says Duchess Dagger-Heart. “We go with my earlier suggestion and pursue Asmodeus with the Elements of Harmony.”

“God no!” My head snaps up and I flap my wings to stop myself from falling over.

Every counselor looks at me in stunned silence. I try my hardest to slow my hammering heartbeat and respond in a composed manner. “I—I mean, don’t you think we should be more cautious with this Duchess Dagger-Heart? The Elements are our last line of defense. If we lose that, we lose everything.”

True, but that this point, you have no choice:ajsleepy:.

“She’s right,” says Blue Blood, speaking a little louder than normal with eyes of tearful anger. “If we don’t act quickly this bastard is only going to cause more problems and I might never get to see my poor aunties again.”

There’s a sound of shattering glass and Blue Blood looks down like he just noticed the wine bottle he broke. He waves to his servant again, who already has a fresh bottle to give him.

“There is also the practical applications to consider,” says Duke Gold Standard. “The demons have usurped control over vast portions of the cities. Engaging them in direct combat could last months and cost us thousands in terms of lives and resources. If the elements were to be deployed however, we could instantly force the demons out and drastically cut down the loss of life.”

Lady Elusive conjures another image on the map with her magic, this one showing the symbols of the elements, striking down the figure of Asmodeus together.

“It appears that Lady Elusive agrees with me as well,” says Dagger-Heart. “Perhaps your majesty, would heed the advice of her council and reconsider the use of the elements?”

Twi, what other method could you possibly use to defeat this guy:ajsleepy:?

All eyes turn back to me. I fidget in my seat. “Couldn’t we try something else first before we risk it? Uh, maybe we could call in Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. Their love magic would probably be just as effective in dealing with Asmodeus as the elements.”

“Doubtful,” says Commander Storm Stepper. “Their magic is powerful, yet even a lesser threat like King Sombra was able to withstand it. It would be incredibly unlikely for it to have any more effect on a Crown Prince. The Crystal Heart might prove to be a more effective weapon but that would also leave the Crystal Empire vulnerable, right as a massive demonic attack is occurring. I know that Prince Shining Armor is your brother and that you are also extremely close with Princesses Mi Amore, but they have an obligation to secure the Crystal Empire to the fullest extent of their abilities, an obligation they are not going to abandon during an emergency like this; besides, from everything I’ve heard about the Heart, there’s a reasonable doubt that it would even work outside the Crystal Empire.”

Sorry Twilight but that options out:ajsmug:.

“What about—What about Discord? He could probably take a shot at it.”

This suggestion is met with a chorus of groans from all around the table. I think I heard Octavia grumble something under her breath.

“Discord, is next to useless in fighting demons, your majesty,” says Commander Storm Stepper.

“W—Why?” I ask. “He’s one of the most powerful magic users in the entire world.”

“That’s exactly the problem,” says Dagger-Heart. “Princess Twilight, do you remember after the battle, when the demon was taking Princess Celestia and Princess Luna away? You attempted to cast an extremely powerful spell, but succumbed to a seizure and fell unconscious.”

Because you left yourself open:facehoof:.

“Anyway, this is a common ability among demons that’s used specifically to target magic users,” she explains. “When someone casts a spell they lower certain defenses in their mind which these demons can exploit by pumping in their own demonic magick. The result is an immediate neurological break down of the caster’s brain, such as what you experienced, your majesty.”

“In the case of unicorns it’s a simple matter of being cautious around demons, and using little to no magic around them,” says Storm Stepper. “However, in Discord’s case, well you’ve been around him, they guy radiates magic twenty-four seven. He’s constantly levitating, zapping random things into existence, breathing life into inanimate objects, at times seemingly without even noticing what he’s doing. It’s possible that he might not even be able to switch off his magic even if he wanted to, which in turn makes his entire body one massive target for such demonic attacks. Even the weaker demons could easily take him down this way.”

That...actually makes a lot of sense:pinkiegasp:!!!

“He’s also developed an understandable phobia of demonic entities because of said weakness,” says Duke Gold Standard. “It’s highly likely he would refuse outright to help us, that is if we could even locate him while there are such high numbers of demons at large.”

I don't doubt it either:fluttershysad:. I mean, I like Discord, but...:fluttershysad:.

“Plus, it was only a month or two ago that he was still plotting to throw Equestria into eternal chaos,” says Prince Blue Blood. “Are you sure we want to send someone like that to fight monsters known for their ability to tempt and corrupt others?”

Yeah, I don't think everypony's ready to warm up to Discord just yet:fluttershyouch:.

“Well, what other suggestions do you have your majesty?” asks Dagger-Heart. “Even if we were to clear out the other demons without the aid of the elements, we’d stand no chance against Asmodeus himself.”

I try to answer that. I dig and my brain for a single reasonable suggestion that could save Equestria without getting the elements involved, but I’ve got nothing. Dagger-Heart’s question goes unanswered and for a full twenty seconds, the room stays uncomfortably quiet. They do nothing but stare, and judge, and stare, and I struggle to stay straight in my seat.

“Princess Twilight,” Commander Storm Stepper says. “Is there a particular reason you’re so hesitant to bring in the elements?”

I swallow a heavy breath. I need to tell them. If that really was Asmodeus in my dream, then they need to know that he specifically threatened the elements. They’ll understand, they’re my council they’re supposed to have my back on this, no matter what. It probably won’t even leave this room. Yeah, I just need to tell them what happened. Just tell them.

I breathe in until my there’s a painful stretch in my chest and push the confession out slowly.

“During the fight above Canterlot, Asmodeus spoke of the other elements. He said that if they were to get involved he would come after them.” Just this much is already difficult, but I force myself to go further. “He threatened to rape them, hurt them in ways worse than…”

Oh Twi...:applecry:.

“Short-sighted and cowardly.”

Everyone turns to Captain Octavia, who stares me dead on with seething contempt in her eyes.

I hear Commander Storm Stepper’s voice trembling out of the stunned silence. “C-Captain.”

Octi:pinkiegasp:!

“If you think keeping your friends hidden is going to save them you’re dead wrong,” Octavia continues. “Asmodeus is going to come after them regardless of whether they choose to fight or not. They’re the only ponies in Equestria that can pose any legitimate threat to him, and he won’t be content letting that threat roam about undisturbed. Hiding them away won’t change that and it won’t stop Asmodeus from slaughtering them at the first given opportunity.”

“Captain, enough,” says Storm Stepper.

“Furthermore, by hiding the elements away you’d be resigning the citizens of Equestria to horrific deaths at the claws of these demons. The elements could easily clear out the cities in a matter of weeks, and you’d choose not to do this simply to forestall a fight you can’t avoid. If that is not the epitome of cowardice I don’t know what is.”

Listen Octavia, I know that you're trying to get Twilight to see how much she's messing up right now, but watch. your. tongue:flutterrage:!!!

“She was hig right.”

I turn to Blue Blood who looks at me with a dopey grin as he struggles to find balance in his seat. The other councilors stare at him in disgust, and in the case of Storm Stepper with contempt. “Your Highness, you’re drunk.”

“Now, now, hig hold on,” Blue Blood says, swiveling in his seat. “Don’t take that the wrong way. I would never higwish to imply that the lower classes have any hig right to speak in that manner to royalty, but the Captain was right. She was being a hig right bitch when she said it, I certainly would never have hig expressed it in such an insensitive and disrespectful manner, but the basic gist of what she said was hig true.”

He falls back in his seat and leans over the armrest, looking at me. “Your concern hig for those blue-collar friends of yours hig while noble in its intention is ultimately hig cowardly when you look at the bigger picture. We need hig our heroes in the fight, not in the—the—”

He looks off into space like he forgot what he was going to say. “Hig well, we need them like I need hig my fine vintage medicine.”

Bluey does have a point Twi..it doesn't matter if you keep the Elements away from Asmodeous, he still go in search of them anyway and pick them off one by one:pinkiesick:. The only chance you have is standing together as one...there's a reason why there's six Elements of Harmony, because all six Elements are needed to be Asmodeous! What you're planning will only help him in cutting off time for his search for them and taking them for his own after he's taken care of you...unless that is, he decides not to kill you and take you and the girls for his own carnal desires. But you see my point:ajsleepy:.

He looks off into space like he forgot what he was going to say. “Hig well, we need them like I need hig my fine vintage medicine.”

He claps his hooves and a servant diligently hands him another bottle of wine, which he sips down like a toddler with a milk bottle.

He’s an insufferable colt acting out some piggish fantasy of a stallion, and yet it pains me to admit that he’s right. Captain Octavia is right. I know they’re right. Yet, whenever I so much as think of my friends facing that monster I go numb in my legs and queasy with fear. I can’t have my friends go anywhere near that creature, I’d rather die myself before they did, but deep down, I know there’s no other way. It’ll find them regardless. It’ll enslave Equestria regardless. It’ll hurt everyone regardless until it dies.

The Elements need to fight. I don’t have a say in the matter. I have absolutely no control.

There is only one option...to fight him head on, together:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

I clench my eyes shut and suck in the tears that were just crawling out. I sit straight up and stare to the center of the room, to the entire council. “You’re all correct. The Elements need to fight, and I’ll lead them in as soon as possible.”

Atta girl:rainbowdetermined2:!!!

“Your majesty, where are you going?” asks Storm Stepper.

“To address my citizens.”

I throw open the tent flap and step out into the dimming mid-afternoon sun. The shield around the tent is still up, and there’s still a sizeable crowd vying for attention outside. Captain Octavia stands just outside the tent smoking a cigarette. She glares at me with those flaming eyes, but I pay them no attention this time.

I walk up to where one of the unicorn guards is standing, pooling their magic to keep the shield up.

“Lower the shield,” I command.

He turns to me with eyes widened. “Your majesty?”

“Do it.”

And here we go...:pinkiesmile:.

I take a deep breath to flush out the nervousness and speak a voice like thunder. “Ponies of Equestria, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I vow to ensure that the destruction of your city, your homes, your families, does not go unanswered!”

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN OF MAGIC:yay:!!!

Illumipony
Illumipony #17 · Feb 19th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9466517
I've written about this in some of the blog posts, but basically Sweetie Devil is getting a partial rewrite. Everything up to Alda's first appearance is being rewriten, and I'm currently sotting on four chapters which have already been rewriten, which will be released closer to the time when the stories are merged.

Illumipony
Illumipony #18 · Feb 19th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9466691
Always a joy to read your comments. :twilightsmile:

Yes, Octavia is a bit of a hardass in this story, but to be fair Twilight is sort of gonna need someone like that for what's to come. :pinkiecrazy:

Oh, and don't worry, Asmodeus will eventually get what's coming to him. In fact, to give you a better picture of what'll happen to him, well... maybe this song will be apropraite.

Ze1a7in
Ze1a7in #19 · Feb 19th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
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9466841
I hadn't seen those blog posts. Gonna have to go do that.

Nebbie
Nebbie #21 · Feb 21st, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
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Hmm, while I prefer this over what I vaguely remember of the original start, I think it has some big flaws:

  1. It's bloated. You could probably cut out a third of this without losing anything of value. Too much time is spent in the first scene and chastising Twilight's priorities primarily.
  2. There being an alternate way to get to this secret, extremely sensitive and strategic location is...very foolish, regardless of laws. That's a lot of extra work with traps and (hopefully, if they're not completely stupid) guards.
  3. Octavia's tone was way too far...and really different from how she is in the show. I'd expect at the very least some builtup/prefacing to her statement (e.g. "Princess, I must make it clear that that's retarded.").
  4. Even if cleaned up to make Octavia less anvilicious, the argument itself is dumb. With multiple rulers, the point is redundancy and specialization, and demanding Twilight devote herself to the order like Luna and Celestia do means there's no specialization. Additionally, practical experience and strategic concerns are worlds apart, and having read on something can help you be prepared for what to think of when seeing it; Twilight being rushed into practical experience makes little sense. Octavia should be stressing only that Twilight needs to know about this stuff, not that it has to be absolutely her very first priority with practical experience immediately. Also, Twilight shouldn't reference the thing with the sleepover like that, cause in the actual episode, it was clear to her in the end that the book was only a small part of making the sleepover work.
  5. It completely shreds the canon of NMM battling Celestia, seemingly solely so Celestia has an example to use to get Twilight to think.
  6. Killing every single descendant of some heroes for retribution is highly illogical, even for demons, because it wouldn't be expected to change Celestia's behavior. Sure, they're demons and are perverse, but that's a huge resource expenditure to go after potentially thousands of ponies before getting caught. It would make more sense if they only went after ponies going around saying (even if it wasn't true) "yeah, that hero was my great great great great...", as a message that joining the order not only won't get you glory while alive, but won't leave glory for future generations.
  7. Similar to Octavia, Celestia's tone is off, being too blunt and out of character. Even if she has no feelings on the horrible stuff that happened, she would try to lessen the blow for Twilight, but instead she just spews out a paragraph. Might help to add some emphasis with italics or pauses with ellipses.
  8. Further, and compounding the previous issue, the punctuation is wrong, with a comma splice and soon after missing a piece of punctuation; both could be semicolons if Celestia isn't pausing: "The stallions had been castrated, the mares impaled; all of them had been raped, skinned, and mutilated beyond description. Not even the foals were given mercy; if anything they were even more sadistic with them."
  9. I also think that the first sentence is very odd, as "had been" is an odd construction (could be "were") repeated, "impaled" is rather vague, and in terms of meaning, the sentence flip-flops between talking about non-fatal, sexual-related things and more fatal things. It would probably be better to say what was done to them while alive as torture (rape, castration for the stallions, skinning, some mutilation), then how they were killed (further mutilation, impalement for the mares unless it was only partial) and how their corpses were treated in a second sentence.

Now, as to why I say diverging from canon is a flaw in general, it's because your fic doesn't really start by jarring people out of canon, it starts with the very familiar show events and characters, but then it suddenly has them different partway through the chapter. This subversion of expectations is grating when it has no emotional payoff involved, and its purpose of tweaking things to fit the fic seems unnecessary. Ask yourself, does specifically Octavia need to be specifically a hardass? I don't say this sentence or anything resembling it often, but I think Prince Blueblood would've been better for that role in this chapter.

Illumipony
Illumipony #22 · Feb 21st, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
Reply

9469378
Firstly, thank you for leaving such in depth criticism, I really appreciate readers who take the time out to do this. Now to address your points.


1. Yeah, I agree with this. Over writing has always been one of my biggest flaws as a writer and I sort of need to get a sense of when enough is enough.

2. Agreed, I'll tweak this part a bit to make it seem less risky and foolish on the Princesses' parts.

3. Okay this one confuses me a bit. In the show, we really only get a slight glimpse of Octavia's character in episode 100, and any other information about her can only be speculated from her background appearances. We don't know enough about her to definitively say what her personality is like, even less so to start speculating on how her personality would change if she were placed into a high stress combat scenario as she is in this fic. Honestly, a big reason why I chose to use the background ponies as Order Agents is because their loosely defined character traits give me some wiggle room to spin my own interpretations

4. I would argue that any leader should at least be familiar with these kinds of things even if they're not going to make it a focus. Octavia's argument in this scene is less that Twilight needs to devote herself to the Order and more that she should at least be prepared incase a situation ever does arise where Celestia and Luna are unable to lead and she needs to take the reigns. You might have a point on her insistence on practical experience however, I'll think that one over.

5. I feel that some events from the main show had to have gone down differently in this universe due to the presence of demons. Luna was explicitly stated in this chapter to have devoted a significant amount of time to fighting the hordes of hell, founding the Order, and otherwise dealing with demons on a regular basis. Picture those descriptions of the ponies slaughtered by demons at the end of the chapter. Now picture dealing with shit like that every day, for years on end. Yeah, that's going to effect you after awhile. It would make less sense if Nightmare Moon's takeover attempt wasn't more bloody in this version.

6. I think this one is less of a plot hole and more of a failure on my part to clearly define how demons operate in this world. They're not some unified force out to burn down Equestria. (Not until Asmodeus shows up at least). They don't have the power to face Celestia, Luna, The Elements, and the Order head on. None of their attacks are focused towards a particular goal in anyway, rather it's solely for the purpose of satisfying their most perverse desires. They have no larger ideology which they fight for, no sense of kinship or nationality with which to defend. They simply hurt others because they want to. These are creatures that will skin your entire family right in front of you and force you to rape their dead corpses because they think it's funny. In the case of the descendants of the Order which they slaughtered, they simply saw an opportunity to hurt the Order and hurt Celestia. They didn't care about changing Celestia's behavior, they didn't care about causing any lasting damage to the Order, some of them probably didn't even care that Celestia killed them in the end. They only cared about hurting her, and inflicting pain on as many others as they could. Because in the grand scheme of things, that's all they will ever be capable of doing.

7. I'd say this one is debatable. Yes, Celestia tends toward a gentle guiding hand style of leadership, but I think she's more than capable of being blunt if the situation is serious enough. She certainly doesn't mince words when briefing Twilight on the latest threats to Equestria like Discord or Sombra, in the later case she casually uses dark magic just prove a point. In this context, she's making a damn important point. Twilight is in a position where one wrong move on her part can and will result in the deaths of innocent ponies, and she wants this to be crystal clear at the front of her mind before making any sudden decisions. Celestia is kind ruler, but I'd like to believe she gets a little more strict when lives are on the line.

8 & 9. Grammar mistakes and syntax errors, nothing to disagree with here. I'll get them fixed.

Now, as to why I say diverging from canon is a flaw in general, it's because your fic doesn't really start by jarring people out of canon, it starts with the very familiar show events and characters, but then it suddenly has them different partway through the chapter.

Um, familiar show characters, yes. Familiar show events, no, I don't really think so. You have Twilight stressing out about her new found Princess role sure, but then it goes straight into secret demon hunting Order, and studying really fucked up books on occult ritual and murder. Hell, the opening paragraph heavily implies that Christianity was once a thing in this world. That in and of itself wildly diverges from cannon, to the point where I'm not quite sure what more I could do to shock you out of the cannon mindset.

Now I've already explained my confusion with Octavia, so instead I'll just say, Blueblood? Really? I know he's dick, but if you're concerned about cannon authenticity then I don't see how that character could ever in a million years be seen as a demon hunter type. He's more like a snobby, narcissistic aristocrat, who would sooner fiddle as Rome burned than risk his own neck.

Thanks again for leaving such awesome criticism. I really appreciate it.

Nebbie
Nebbie #23 · Feb 22nd, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9469530
Jarring people out of the familiar would mostly center around the very first scene, with Twilight and Spike, to have them talk about something that wouldn't fit in the show. The show itself had a preacher-looking pony, so it's much less jarring to see something about religion tossed in.

The glimpse we got of Octavia showed her attitude, which was one of professional enthusiasm and adventurous problem-solving. That's completely incompatible with what we get here, and the problem with the argument is she comes across as demanding Twilight give up other pursuits to devote everything to defense immediately, when it's likely not necessary. She may not be intended that way, but that's how it read.
Blueblood, from the glimpse we got, was inconsiderate of others and brash, which is compatible with how Octavia acts here. He'd also make a lot of sense as being out of the limelight because he's busy with Order stuff, seeing social niceties as trivial as he's got a nation to help defend.

As for the demons, the problem is doing that to so many ponies, and without getting caught prior to the trap, requires extreme organization and usage of resources. It'd make more sense if, instead, things were piecemeal, that when they'd stop one group of demons, another would spring up somewhere else to do similar, but not quite the same, things. Celestia wouldn't've been able to keep up with the "brush fires". Their disorganization and consequent disconnectedness would be an advantage, as one group wouldn't be able to reveal info about another.
In the end, after decades, not a single descendant would be left.

Illumipony
Illumipony #24 · Feb 22nd, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9470332
The show does have one or two characters that appeared in what looked like traditionally religious garb, but it has always given the subject of religion itself a wide berth. The closest it ever got to discussing religion in general was with the Pinkie sense, and it has never given any indication that any of the Abrahamic faiths existed in Equestria. Going from that to an unambiguous account of Lucifer falling from heaven should be more than enough to distinguish this from cannon.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on Octavia's personality, although I'll admit I could've been clearer on what her argument was this chapter, as well as the context in which she was making.

That suggestion about the demons sounds good actually, I think I'll right that in at some point.

Nebbie
Nebbie #25 · Apr 11th, 2019 · · · Chapter 2: Prepare for Attack ·
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A few things I noticed:

  • "The can" feels very out of place for the setting, especially being said by Luna in that manner.
  • The stuff around the demon skullfucking a severed head and getting killed was difficult to read due to lots of ambiguity relating to which guard is doing what.
  • Relatedly, with decapitations, I feel there were a tad too many having happened prior to the agents' arrival, one or two should've happened during. As-is, it feels like the agents were slow to respond.
  • It felt like there was a little too much Dragon's Breath, removing some tension as they never seemed close to running out.
  • That numbing agent acting instantly with just a few licks was a bit much...very little liquid would be gotten, surely, relative to an actual dose of the stuff.
  • Bon Bon really should be at least somewhat impaired after all that; her massive injuries without consequence gives a feeling of "plot armor" (no tension/drama because characters we know are invulnerable).
  • The presence of cigarettes in this setting is jarring. I get cigars and alcohol, but cigarettes are a real stretch. Basically, there's clearly no corporate system to push a highly mass-produced (and thus low quality crafted) product like that that's extremely bad for your health, and their society wouldn't look kindly on such a thing anyways.
  • We never get the names or even descriptions of any pony that died beyond race, role, and adult/child; none of them talk either before dying. This is understandable for civilians, but for the agents, it furthers the feeling of "plot armor". We should at the very least get the POV character thinking about who didn't make it briefly (surely he knows some of them, or at least their names), if not outright have a side character be an agent that dies midway brutally.

Other than that, chapter is a tad long and could've done with being split into two parts.

Nebbie
Nebbie #26 · Apr 11th, 2019 · · · Chapter 3: Lust and Desire ·
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Little to say here other than I think some of the unnamed ponies could've been known BG ponies (I think we only got mane 6 and...Lemon Hearts? Very odd), it's odd in all the depravity that the CMC aren't even briefly shown, and it's odd the demon never even had anypony touch Twi's other hole (especially with the double penetration potential).

Illumipony
Illumipony #27 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · 1 · Chapter 2: Prepare for Attack ·
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9559584

  • "The can" feels very out of place for the setting, especially being said by Luna in that manner.

It was actually my intention that this sounded a little out of place.

“Hold there for a moment, I need to use the toilet or 'the can' as they call it today.”

The idea here is that Luna had just happened to hear a modernish euphemism and is now repeating it to try and sound more "in with it". Perhaps this particular phrase wasn't the best choice to get that idea across. Can you suggest some alternatives?

  • The stuff around the demon skullfucking a severed head and getting killed was difficult to read due to lots of ambiguity relating to which guard is doing what.

Agreed. I'll tweak this a bit.

  • Relatedly, with decapitations, I feel there were a tad too many having happened prior to the agents' arrival, one or two should've happened during. As-is, it feels like the agents were slow to respond.

Probably tweak this too.

  • It felt like there was a little too much Dragon's Breath, removing some tension as they never seemed close to running out.
  • That numbing agent acting instantly with just a few licks was a bit much...very little liquid would be gotten, surely, relative to an actual dose of the stuff.

I'll try and tweak this a bit for the sake of it feeling less like plot armor, but I should point out that I did intend for the Order to come off as a little overpowered in this chapter (at least when it came to mook tier demons.)

Basically, there's clearly no corporate system to push a highly mass-produced (and thus low quality crafted) product like that that's extremely bad for your health, and their society wouldn't look kindly on such a thing anyways.

People are perfectly capable of making poor health decisions on their own, corporate advertisements just spur them on. I don't foresee this changing in Equestria, especially if you're willing to accept other unhealthy habits such as drinking and cigars.

  • We never get the names or even descriptions of any pony that died beyond race, role, and adult/child; none of them talk either before dying. This is understandable for civilians, but for the agents, it furthers the feeling of "plot armor". We should at the very least get the POV character thinking about who didn't make it briefly (surely he knows some of them, or at least their names), if not outright have a side character be an agent that dies midway brutally.

I'll look into this.

Thank you again for the in depth criticism. It's truly appreciated.

Nebbie
Nebbie #28 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · · Chapter 2: Prepare for Attack ·
Reply

9561144
"The loo" would be an obvious mild drop-in; perhaps "the shitter" if you want it intense (given they appear to have the word "shit" in their vocabulary), or "the crapper" for a middle-ground approach that would retain much of the comedic value of Luna not realizing how vulgar it is.
Basically, "the can" feels out of place to me because it has a connotation of being urban American slang that would be more a Manehattan thing than Canterlot, and is so euphemistic as to be a bit jarring as something trying to show Luna is trying to be hip with the less prim and proper types there.

The order didn't feel overpowered, because they kept losing lots of mook-tier agents (making them seem to only slightly win overall). It ended up feeling like only the three named characters were overpowered, which is the trouble. To make the overpoweredness be spread among the order in general, you'd want to reduce the amount of losses, and more evenly distribute losses between named and unnamed characters (ideally, nameds are more likely to die than unnameds, to completely remove a plot armor feeling just from being named and given lines). You'd also want some unnamed agents to pull off surprise survival/victory, and for Bon Bon in particular to do it a little less.
Without rereading, I remember something on the order of a minimum of 12 dead agents among a total force not exceeding 40. So, among unnamed characters, that's 12 out of 37...a death rate of 32%, which makes them look incredibly weak. Maybe I got the total size of the force wrong, but it felt somewhat unclear while reading, and didn't seem like more than a few dozen (I initially put 30 above instead of 40...).
Relatedly, I should mention that only 3 characters really talking and being named felt a bit odd in and of itself. I recommend at least 5 and at most 7 given meaningful dialog. Combined with the above, 2 could die alongside 6 unnameds and that'd put deaths at an overall rate of 20%, which would make the order feel somewhat overpowered, while dissolving the plot armor feeling.

Oh yes, individuals will for sure make poor choices, but the issue is that at a scale of societal decision-making (gov't lawmaking, mostly), ponies would prohibit the development of industries based around exploiting poor decision-making and making ponies in large quantities develop severe health problems.

Dinokid11
Dinokid11 #29 · Apr 13th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
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Is this a vore story

Nebbie
Nebbie #31 · May 5th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
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This chapter isn't bad exactly, but it's over 11k words and hardly anything happens; it gets really bogged down in giving us everything said at the meeting.
As to the specifics:

  • Twilight destroying that bed was excessive. And I don't mean in story terms, I mean in terms of the physics and magic capabilities, as normally in the show magic blasts don't leave such ridiculous amounts of residual heat; it makes Twilight seem OP and would be better if she only destroyed most of the mattress. Though, for that matter, it's an actual metal bed frame? Even for royalty, that's kind of pushing the logistics of an ad hoc treatment tent after a city's been destroyed; I would more expect some kind of foldable light wooden frame with a very thin mattress, something that would be readily-available.
  • Manehattan is screwed? Okay, but I think it should've been toned down a little, since it overshadows Canterlot but is completely offscreen.
  • Blueblood being allowed to drink like that is odd. So is the later "Oh shit" right in front of the princess. It feels like these ponies forgot all decorum and (more bizarrely) nobody wants to remind them.
  • The Order lost half? That's a tad much, it would imply virtually all of them were in Canterlot. Worse, their HQ is still intact! Given everything else, the Order should've only lost a quarter at most, and that largely being junior ranks in Canterlot and Manehattan.
  • Resistance to Octavia being there being vocalized, when nobody said a word about Blueblood's drinking is really not consistent; why are they questioning Twilight but giving him a pass?
  • Lyra is a crazy cultist? Okay, but why? In and of itself, it's fine, but the trouble is it feels like manufactured conflict with the nobility overreacting to her being near the princess (and again, completely in contrast to their other behavior).
  • The blind pony that does visual stuff is neat and all, but the tie in with Sombra felt very unnecessary and raises questions about the timeline. It also feels cliche to have a "blind but able to see with magic" character around, especially when all they do is provide visuals.
Illumipony
Illumipony #32 · May 7th, 2019 · · · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9605268

  • I'll change the description of the bed to make it more appropriate for the circumstances, though I don't find melting metal to be that OP, not for an Alicorn at least.
  • Manehatten is being played up because that's the first place the Elements are headed too and they will spend a significant amount of time there.

  • Yeah, maybe a line explaining Blueblood's behavior is necessary. Would something like this do?

    "He gets like this in high stress situations your majesty?" says Storm Stepper. "Don't try to stop him, he will literally have a breakdown if you do."

    Also, by the "Oh shit", are you referring to when Dagger-Heart saw Lyra come in? Cause I thought it was an appropriate response for seeing someone she legitimately believes to be dangerous walk in.

  • Yeah, I'll change the numbers here.
  • Again, I could probably fix this with an added line.

  • This is more setup for Lyra's character later on. She has a bit of reputation within the Order.
    Also—
    >Lyra admits to having been a murderer and a devil worshipper.
    >Dagger-Heart is overreacting

    okay

  • Yeah, I think I'll remove the bits having to do with Sombra.

And as for the general criticism of it being too long, any suggestions on where to start cutting?

Nebbie
Nebbie #33 · May 7th, 2019 · · 1 · Chapter 4: Trauma ·
Reply

9608933
Maybe just make the Manehattan stuff more vague, having them know less about it.

If you add something like that, try to have them whisper it to her as advice, both so ponies are actually being helpful to the now-in-charge princess and showing restraint being exercised instead of spouting things out and creating conflict in a way running against nobility and decorum.

The "oh shit" was appropriate as a response, but the trouble is that it was said right in front of the princess, and nopony reacted to it, including the one that made it. I'd at least expect something like "...pardon my language" to show the character knows it was an unwanted outburst and has respect for the others at the meeting, or if not, the others to at least give an admonishing glare her way.
Same deal with Dagger-Heart wanting Lyra thrown out...brazenly raising concerns in a way that could prevent a princess actually getting information and everypony accepting that as normal behavior makes everypony look dumb.

Overall, you have things too far in the American cultural direction of social interaction, where everyone speaks their mind and externalizes disagreement; but in contexts with more "tact" or "stiff upper lips", like royalty, you really want a more British or even Japanese cultural approach, where people are held back primarily by internalized rules, to the point they may not even lay out in the open chastisement of another's faux pas.

For cutting, you should start with Twilight deciding to bring the council to her. Everything prior to that is great personal drama, but it gets bogged down around the conflict about Twilight's problems being physical or mental, and it takes too long to get to the actual council showing up. Cutting should pretty much happen across everything else, and I think the main dragging bit in the meeting is figuring out Asmodeus' plan (it was a tad obvious before anypony said it) and repetition about Manehattan (yes, it's important, but it really only needs two references to be so, and you could reduce the detail about it).

Notang
Notang #34 · May 13th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Initiation ·
Reply

“The good majority of them,” Luna says. “Bare in mind, only the best of the best are even offered positions in the Order.”

Should be "bear in mind", not "bare".

SWEETOLEBOB18
SWEETOLEBOB18 #35 · Nov 9th, 2019 · · · Chapter 5: The Wild Child ·
Reply

And see! she stirs!
She starts, she moves, she seems to feel
The thrill of life along her keel,
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Ahrazell
Ahrazell #36 · Nov 9th, 2019 · · · Chapter 5: The Wild Child ·
Reply

IT LLIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Notang
Notang #37 · Dec 27th, 2019 · · · Chapter 5: The Wild Child ·
Reply

“You’re the best demon hunter in the Order. The fact that you’re sisters with the best demon hunter on the planet just got you there faster.”

Did you mean:

"The fact that you're sisters with the best demon on the planet just got you there faster"

Or is Vinyl also a demon hunter?

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