How to Make Enemies and Be Generally Unsociable

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Madwater Basin

As I stepped into the room Nancy was in, there was the ever-so-welcoming growling of an alien, the cocking of about two rifles, and the sound of what seemed to be magic charging. Regardless, I continued into the room, limping down the small carpet to arrive in front of Nancy. She was sat atop a tired throne, looking down upon me whilst flanked by two men with similar appearance to Raiden. Their faces were obscured by a metal plate of some kind, but that didn't mean I wasn't picking up bodh language: Universally, having a machine gun aimed at you is recognized as 'Kiss your ass goodbye'. After a few more moments, Doctor Schwaiger had helped me get in front of the throne. I looked to him, and smiled.

"Cheers, Doctor," I said calmly. "I should be able to stand from here. I owe you a drink later, eh?" He briefly paused, before nodding, unhooking his arm from my shoulder and beginning to make his way back to the corridor. As he left, he tipped his hat to the two women guarding the door (Both of which had tattoos and nice hair), and turned to Nancy.

"Miss Moon, if you require anything else of me, I will be more than happy to-" Nancy cut him off with a flash of white in her eyes and a growl, causing him to recoil slightly and hastily make his way out of the room. The doors shut, the two women stood in front of it, and the two robot men moved up next to the alien standing near the window. There was silence.

"So." Nancy began, standing up and beginning a slow advance whilst I clutched my left ribs. "Our paths cross again, Mr. Face."

"You don't say, Sheila," I grunted. "The only reason I'm here is because of first degree burns to my arms. I also went unconcious, and," I turned to point to the two what-I-presumed-were-witches near the door, "One of those two took my gear." The woman in the yellow jumpsuit with the blue hair grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of her head. "But I should also be thanking her for taking me to Schwaiger, so thank you, mysterious blue-haired woman. I owe you a drink." She gave a small smile and nod. I turned back to Nancy. "But enough about me. How've you been, Nancy?" I asked. She huffed.

"Is that how you address your future Queen of Equestria?" she replied. I shook my head.

"Well, what I just said to you was as polite as I could put it. Otherwise, you'd have a heart attack from bad words of the Queen's English. And who even says you'll be Queen?"

"I do. With your little ponies all alone in this castle, they'll never get the Elements of Harmony. And you have yourself to blame for going off alone."

"Could've done worse." I murmured. "Might have died to that cyborg ninja." Nancy's ears perked up.

"Cyborg ninja?" she asked, a small grin setting onto her lips. "Do tell." I paused.

"Nah, I'm fine, thanks." Nancy frowned, and gestured to one of the witches behind me with a quick jab of her hoof. Immediately, the one with red hair had her entire left arm illuminated golden, her eyes ablaze with orange, and she simply reached out a hand. Instantly, I felt something going around my neck and I began lifting off the floor. I felt like I was being strangled. Nancy stepped in front of me.

"I'll ask again, more politely this time," she growled. "Do. Tell." I coughed.

"The hell are you gonna do, Nancy?" I spat. "Kill me? Lose your only valid source of information? Then what? Go back to terrorizing innocent ponies for your own selfish reasons? They do nothing to you, and you still think you own a right of some kind to take rule over their lives?" I looked her dead in the eyes, and she glared straight back into mine.

"No." She said in an eerily calm voice. "But I can make the life you have left the most painful that anybody has ever known." She looked to the woman strangling me. "Lilith, wall him."

"Gladly," she replied. Suddenly, I felt myself going flying across the room, and I was slammed against a wall and it hurt like absolute hell. I was fairly certain my bones would break instantly, but instead I was flung in the other direction incredibly suddenly, prompting the two men and the alien to move as I slammed against the wall on the other side of the room. That time, I heard something crack, and a line appeared over my field of vision. More than likely, it had been my glasses. I was dropped to the floor suddenly, and I lay there trying to get my breath back. I spat out a mouthful of blood as Nancy stood over me.

"One last time, Mr. Face," she said coldly. "Do. Tell." Shaking, I looked up to the tall mare, then over to the two women near the door. The one with red hair seemed to be glaring at me for some reason, but the one with blue hair looked quite sympathetic. Finally, I looked back at the nearby window, and I thought of a plan that'd only work if I was extremely lucky.

"Tch." I chuckled. "That window looks awfully more appealing than workin' for you, Shiela. Do me a solid and throw me out so I don't have to put up with your pissin' about." The sheer bluntness of my request seemed to push Nancy over the edge, and she snapped her head down to look me dead in the eyes.

"That can be arranged!" she practically yelled. "I have little time for insubordinate fools like yourself! Lilith, do as he requested and throw him from the window!" Lilith did as requested, lighting her arm once more, picking me up, and then finally shoving me backwards with force enough to break the window. I just hoped that I'd survive the fall.

---

A few hours later, or what felt like a few minutes later, I awoke to searing pain throughout my body. I couldn't feel my left leg, and I couldn't see much, but judging from the small glimpse I could see of the world, I'd fallen 7 stories onto something soft. Slowly, I began to start regaining feeling in my limbs, but at some point I felt something sharp being rammed into my neck and suddenly nearly all the feeling came back.

And bloody hell, did it hurt.

I refrained from crying out in pain, instead choosing to grunt profusely in case Nancy was still nearby. I lay there for a moment, breathing heavily as I got used to the pain, but it was only a second or so later that a second sharp thing went into my neck and the pain disappeared completely. I breathed a sigh of relief, and cast a glance around. The night above had disappeared, instead showing soft rays of sunlight starting to appear over the horizon. I couldn't feel the warmth, but I just knew it would be there. I looked around further, and I realized by looking to my left, I must have been in what was probably once a castle courtyard or training area of some kind. Shifting my hand, I could feel hay beneath me, so either that witch was bad at aiming for stones or I was just really lucky.

And upon looking to my right, I was greeted by the sight of the blue-haired woman from earlier. She was kneeling next to me, quietly looking st me with what looked like a look of thankfulness that I was alive. It was also now that she'd saved my life, and I'd taken a good knock to the head, that she seemed quite attractive and I realised I have a thing for blue hair.

"G'day," I greeted. I felt much better after...those...whatever the hell sharp things had been given to me, so I assumed it was a painkiller of some kind. She smiled.

"Hi," she said calmly. "You alright?"

"Much better than I was when your friend was throwing me at brick walls," I replied. "Who are you, again?"

"Oh, yeah," the woman laughed. "My name's Maya. I'm a Siren."

"Siren?" I asked as I sat up. My leg seemed fine, it was just my foot that was twisted. As she began to explain, I began putting joints back in place, which was pretty painful in itself.

"A Siren is a powerful human capable of using energy to their advantage," she explained, seeming to wince as I popped my thumb back into place. "There are only a few in the six galaxies at any one time, and I was one of them. I hunted for the Vault, saved the galaxy, and...well."

"Well what?" I asked.

"I met this woman in Moxxi's bar. Nancy Michaels." I already knew where this was going, and my male instincts were enjoying it. "She said she had a job, and the reward would be a shotgun powerful enough to destroy a Bandit camp in two shells. And to start it, I had to sign a piece of paper, follow her into a back-room, and then..." She paused.

"Yeah, I get it. She did the same to me," I said calmingly. She looked at me.

"Ew, she was a bit of a slut," Maya frowned. "But anyway...yeah. She...basically...rammed her tongue down my throat and I basically kinda enjoyed it, but that's not the point. Not even a few seconds later I was in this castle, and a few hours later, Lilith came along as well."

"You mean your friend who likes strangling me?" I asked. Maya nodded.

"Well, it's not her who likes hurting you, it's Nancy, and Nancy had put some weird collar onto Lilith when she got here to make her obey. Pretty weird and kinky if you ask me. Anyway, she didn't put one on me, since I signed the paper, and it was only after you revealed what she was really doing in Ponyville that I decided to go against her."

"Welcome to the club," I grunted, putting my index finger back in place and giving it a few test movements. Painful, but I'd get over it. "And how did I survive that fall? That's like seven or eight stories." Maya grinned.

"You have me to thank for that," she said proudly. "The moment you went out the window, I chucked a grenade in the room to get rid of the guards then I phasewaeped down here to catch you. You're pretty tough for a guy your size."

"And you're pretty strong for a girl your size." I shot back. We both looked each other in the eyes and smirked. "I think it'd be best if we got moving on Nancy. Where is she?"

"Gone," Maya replied. I blinked as she helped me to my feet.

"Gone?"

"Yep. Six ponies came in and when she went to go 'deal with them personally', she was destroyed by the power of a big kick-ass rainbow. We've won."

"And what about all the guys she brought here?"

"Free. The moment she went down, they all stopped hunting for me and started wondering what happened and where they were. Schwaiger didn't really change, and he headed off to Ponyville earlier. Lilith's collar came off, and I think she feels pretty guilty about throwing you at the wall. Sun god came back, those six ponies are happy with that, Nancy turned out to be a smaller version of Nancy that's related to the Sun god, sun's come back up, I saved your life, and now I think you owe me." I chuckled.

"Actually," I remembered, "You owe me. Where's my rifle?"

"Oh, that old thing?" she replied. "It's pretty obsolete tech-wise where I come from, but in terms of power? The thing's practically a rocket launcher. And it was made by 'Mann Co.'? Who're they?" I dismissed her with a wave of my hand.

"I think I'd have to explain that later, once we're at a bar where I can get those drinks I owe you," I replied, turning to face her. "But for now, I think we should head inside and congratulate the girls on the win." Maya nodded, and walked up beside me as we entered the castle. "By the way, how long was I out for?"

"About two hours, why?"

"Just wondering. I figured the girls would be able to win before sunrise, and so they did."

---

Once we'd made it to the large chamber where Nancy had been defeated, I could see the six girls stood around a taller, white horse that looked similar to Nancy. I figures this must have been 'Princess Celestia', since she seemed much more bright and cheerful than Nancy. She had a strange motherly air about her, but I didn't care. At least she was back. The girls hadn't noticed me yet, so I did the best thing I could and raised a hand from behind them. "G'day, Sheilas!" I called out. The first one to respond was Twilight, who smiled, turned, and teleported over. She immediately began rubbing her head against my chest as I knelt down to oat her on the head. "Smoothly done, Twilight," I chuckled. "Couldn't have done this better myself." Once she finally moved off, the other girls made their approach over.

"But where were you?" she asked. "You said you'd try and meet us in the castle." It was also then that she noticed my bandaged arms. "And what did you do to yourself this time?" I dismissed her with a wave of the hand.

"Long story short, I tried distracting a sniper by holding an explosive sword. He shot it, boom, first degree plasma burns on my arms. But, I was patched up by this Doctor Schwaiger bloke, and he took me to Nancy then headed to Ponyville. Nancy tried interrogating me about Raiden, then had me thrown out of a window, and Maya here nursed me back to health." I gestured to the Siren behind me, who waved with a small grin and earned a glare from Rainbow. Everyone else seemed welcoming of her, though. "But you guys beat Nancy, and that's what counts. Good on ya, mates."

"Yes," Princess Celestia suddenly said, prompting all of the girls except Maya and myself to bow. She was fairly tall, taller than me if you'd count the horn. But I never did, so I was the tallest of all the unicorns. "And I believe that they wouldn't have made it without your help, Mr. Face." She had pink eyes, I had no idea what I was supposed to say.

"Eh, I try," I shrugged. "Maya here turned against Nancy as well, so if I'm being congratulated on doin' nothing, you're congratulating Maya, as well."

"Certainly," Celestia smiled warmly. "Once we return to Ponyville, you will be given proper honours, and we can see about finding somewhere for you to live until we figure out how to send you back to your homeworlds."

"Sounds nice," Maya noted. "Though I do think Face and I should share accommodation, for...reasons." All of them grinned, and I could feel my face heating up.

"Eheh..." I trailed off. "Yeah. Alright. Now, we gonna celebrate what you girls did or what?"

Comments

[Okhlahoma Beat-Down]

4996627 Everybody that isn't colourful cartoon horse is an enemy of the Communist state of BulgaRainbowia.

Also, c'mon, you say you wouldn't a Maya?