How to Make Enemies and Be Generally Unsociable

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

I Should Have Worn a Mac

I spent a minute or two keeping an eye out downstairs, just in case Nancy, who I'd now decided to go against, was going to start doing something cruel, like executing prisoners, but most of my attention stayed on the angled roof I was walking on. This alien was a big guy, and even when he was crouched down he was still just over my head in height. If he spotted me, and decided he didn't like my face, he could probably laser a hole into my chest, punch me off the roof, or kick me off the roof, either down into the street or into the hall. Personally, I was kind of hoping that he'd kick me into the street, since there were a lot more of his bow-legged buddies down in the hall. I was within about 5 metres of him, and hefting a wooden pole I'd found for the purpose of bludgeoning him with, and by my luck he decided then was the correct time to begin making his way to the other side of the hall roof. In that brief moment we made eye contact, he seemed to be contemplating raising the alarm. There was another alien in a hat and boots that had been sneaking over to him, for the expressed purpose of bashing his skull in and stealing his guns and weird handle thing that probably held some significance to him.

And now he was looking the alien in the eyes, unsure what he was meant to do.

I knew what I had to do. Carefully, I raised my hand in a small wave, and the results were...interesting. The alien raised his fist and growled 'wort wort wort' in anger, before raising his rifle. Before he could pump off a shot, I ran forward and cracked him in the face with my pole, stunning him slightly and causing him to drop the laser. It bounced on the roof, skidded slightly, before dangling on the edge leading down into the hall. I had no time to go get it, as the larger alien gave me a swift punch in the face, which nearly knocked me over, followed this up with another punch, and then moved around to my side, raised a foot, and as I was turning, let loose the most painful kick I have ever received. It only hit me in the stomach, but I felt my internal organs grate against my Übercharge implant and my ribs. That was the least of my worries. With my weapon out of reach, and his weapon out of reach, I slammed against one of the thick support poles, and this towering alien just walked right up to me, reached down, and grabbed me by the neck, raising me up high. I knew that good etiquette in this situation was to kick him in the stomach as much as possible, but that wasn't really working; he barely even flinched when I gave it some power and a steel toecap bashed him in the ribs, seemingly because his armour was absorbing the impact.

Finally, I did the best thing I possibly could have done. I raised my knee to my torso, and then booted him directly in the helmet. It definitely had some response; the glass cracked violently, and a little red warning light came on inside his helmet. He dropped me almost immediately, and staggered backwards whilst clutching his helmet to sort out the massive system error I'd caused. Now, I'd love to glorify how I got that weird little handle off his belt. I'd love to say that I dropkicked him off the building and grabbed it off his waist as he fell, or something like that. But no, I'll say it as it was; I was gagging for breath after he dropped me on the floor, and he was staggering about whilst trying to sort out his breathing equipment. Maybe he couldn't breath the air I could, maybe he could. But he was waving his arms around, grabbing poles, all sorts. When he stood next to me, making coughing noises in his helmet, he must have pressed the wrong button or something, since all of the lights on his armour turned off, the alarm in his helmet stopped, and the tiny handle simply dropped in front of me. No big show and dance, I grabbed it, and using the strength I'd gotten back, I stood up, stepped back a bit, and rugby tackled him down into the hall.

I could hear the massive panic from below when one of their captors was thrown down by another alien with unknown intentions and I agreed: Even I hadn't expected to get this far, and didn't have a plan. I couldn't think of one, though, since my mind was preoccupied with not landing on the floor without using this guy as a landing mat. I managed to flip him onto the bottom of the fall, resulting in him smashing through the edge of the second floor balcony and flipping around in the air as he did so. In the ensuing rotations, I was violently thrown into the crowd of horses below, all of which scattered in panic when I landed face-first onto the wooden floor. I was definitely stunned by this; I stood up, and staggered to a nearby pole to get some support while my head stopped burning. Suddenly, there was a voice.

"Well, Mr Face." Nancy laughed from the balcony above. "I see you've made quite the entrance. Have you come to help in the subduing of these night-fearers?"

"No, actually," I shot back, finally limping to the centre of the room. The crowd of horses parted as I walked through them, before forming a circle around me while I looked back at Nancy. "I was here to see what this building was, then it was full of horses, and I didn't get it, so I sat on the top arches, and then you appeared, then your guys appeared, and I didn't like the idea that you were...were...gimme a sec, I need to get breath back." I muttered. Nancy simply raised an eyebrow in ah unamused way. After a few seconds, she spoke again.

"Are you quite done?" she sighed.

"Yeah, I think so." I whistled. "Jesus, your thugs have got a mean bloody kick. So, yeah, I didn't like the idea that you were planning to subdue these horses when they hadn't done anything, so I figured I should stop you."

"You can't; You signed my contract!" Nancy laughed evilly. The audience gasped in horror at this corporate scheme! "It was in section B, paragraph 1, line 3! 'Upon the signature of this contract, you will be serving under Nightmare Moon, Nancy Michaels, ONI First Lieutenant Nancy Michaels, Freelancer Captain Nina Miller, Ni'adro Vaduum, and all other guises used by Nightmare Moon'." I raised my finger to make a point.

"Ah!" I shot back, surprising the audience. The aliens had no idea what was going on. "But you forget section G, paragraph 9, line 4! 'This contract is made null and void upon; The irreversible cease of all life functions, the murder or intentional manslaughter of any co-worker, or upon reaching retirement age'! So suck it! I probably killed that guy!" I pointed to the still form of the alien I'd rugby tackled. "And you also said you used guises! That's NOT cool! I thought Nancy Michaels was a really hot woman that wanted to give me a job, and you lied! Goddamn you!"

"The law states nothing about using guises to employ workers." Nancy shot back, rolling her eyes. I could see the little white English horse slowly sneaking backwards, away from Nancy. To my surprise, a purple unicorn got involved in the argument, stepping forward and slightly pushing me out of the way. She was only up to about the height of my stomach, but she had a look of determination I hadn't seen since that one BLU Sniper, upon the expiry of the rest of his team, 5 gunshot wounds to the chest, and a broken leg, continued to push the bomb cart, knowing he wouldn't get out of the situation alive. It was rather touching to see his devotion, until it detonated and destroyed 500 tonnes of highly explosive gravel, critically wounding 40% of RED team and losing us the match.

"Actually," the little unicorn began, "I've studied Equestrian Law for 2 years, and I can say that there actually IS!" The audience gasped at this legal accusation. The aliens had long put their rifles and launchers and whatnot down, and began playing catch with small blue balls that were probably grenades. "According to section 7 of the Corporate Employment laws, it states that 'No employer can turn down a request for employment due to age, gender, species, or disability, nor can they use seperate guises in order to attract potential customers or workers'!" Nancy's eyes began darting in guilt, and the aliens were mostly just pacing around, waiting for something interesting to happen.

"Come now, you two," Nancy smiled warmly, "Can you not see that I am beyond legal reasoning? These Elites I have with me here have grown restless. I feel as though they wish for excitement, do you not agree?" One of the golden 'Elites' stood up, grabbing the handle from his thigh and leaping down from the second floor. He was definitely aggressive, since he barged horses out of the way to get to me. Then, on his way over, he gave his handle a sharp flick downwards, causing a loud sparking sound to come into life, as well as two pointy blades of blue, sparking energy. Just by the way he was carrying it, I could tell it was a sword of some description, and that he was probably going to run them through my chest. I looked at the handle in my hand. It had two more bulbous parts on its ends, and a larger pronged piece on the handle. So, ensuring I was probably holding it the right way, I looked at it briefly, beginning to backpedal from the enroaching Elite, and gave the weapon a sharp flick. Instantly, the two aforementioned blades materialised on either side of the handle, and crackling energy extended a few feet to form a rather nice looking knife.

I took a ready stance, and the Elite stopped a short distance from me, creating what was probably due to be a dueling lane. He gave Nancy a curious look, tilting his head. "Sic 'em." Nancy said unenthusiastically, before turning to the crowd. "As for you, my little ponies, enjoy this sunset, for it will be your last. From now on, the night...will last...FOREVER!" It took only a few seconds for me to realise I was meant to be duelling the Elite. He began circling around the hall, and I mirrored his action, keeping eye contact with him, as well as looking for something I could use to take him out. We circled each other for a minute, and it was getting more and more tense, and I still hadn't found what I could use to bash his face in. I knew that if he was as skilled at close-quarters combat as I was, it'd be an even match; I was probably the most skilled Merc I knew of that played with blades and horrifically mutilated Spies and such like, so I could just hope this guy was just as good at bladed combat as any other guy. Finally, the Elite reached down with his left claw-hand and flicked a small thing on its belt. Then it spoke.

"Heretic," he snarled. Everybody was shocked at the fact that he spoke the Queen's, and I was more shocked than anybody. "You have no place on the Path to Transcendence, and you slow the progress of the Great Journey. However you seem to be worth fighting. I will take great pleasure in fighting you. Though I walk the Path, I will fight a blockage for it halts the progress of the entire Covenant." I blinked.

"What?" I asked. "I have no idea what you're bloody going on about. I bet Nancy does. NANCY! WHAT'S THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?" I yelled up to black-and-blue-evil-horse. She rolled her eyes in frustration.

"It's an ancient belief that all those who believe will transcend mortal life after death to walk a great path, and this leads to Godhood." she shot back. "I wouldn't expect a heretic to understand." The Elites around her roared their approval, picking up weapons and readying them. I was still circling the speech-Elite. "Come, my friends! Let us march onwards to glory!" Instantly, Nancy turned into a blue smoke, making a rapid sweep around the room and knocking me over, before halting in front of the Elite. "You will fight him. You will kill the heretic. And upon death, you will walk the Path." she said to him in a soothing voice. I noticed some of the smoke moving beneath his jaw(s) in an almost seductive manner.

"Pfft, slut." I muttered, getting back to my feet. Nancy took that moment to fly out of the door, followed by countless Elites who jumped down, barging everything out of the way, and finally exiting quickly through the door, all roaring loudly as they followed their leader. This left me, the horses that had stayed behind to watch, the one purple horse that had joined me in circling, and the Elite. "No, purple horse, stop joining in." I said firmly, looking at the horse in question. She (Judging by her voice) was about up to my stomach, maybe a tad more, and seemed to have styled her dark purple hair into a fringe with a pink stripe in it. On her ass, again not like I was staring, she had a pink star with smaller stars around it. However, she looked back at me in adorable determination.

"No, I'm going to help you with this." she shot back. "I just arrived here, and I think I know how to stop Nightmare Moon. We have a common goal. So, even though I'm not comfortable with killing, I'll help you in any way I can." I knew I wouldn't be able to disagree with that.

Suddenly, movement. The Elite roared, charging forward, leaping towards me, and swiping down with his sword, which I deflected with my own. Sparks flew everywhere, and the gathered crowd gasped at the actual fighting instead of a legal argument. While he'd lowered his blade, I issued a swift kick to the stomach, causing him to stagger back slightly. He got back into his ready stance, and we continued circling. "A fluent move, yet had I been ready it would have cost your life. Think! Always keep an eye on your opponent's movement, lest he cut you down due to your error!"

"Alright, gotcha." I nodded, continuing to circle him. "Have you still not realised that she's using you? What did she promise to pay you for helping her?"

"She promised my family that they would go on the Path, no matter what." he snarled. "And my family is who I fight for."

"But did you consider that she may well be simply lying to you?" I shot back. "If you die, and your family dies, what if you're wrong? What if she lied to you to get you to do her bidding, then simply casting you away upon death or your completion of the task?" He growled, and ran towards me. He uses his right hand for his blade. Better dodge right. The moment he was within range, I dived to the side to avoid his strike. He skidded along upon his miss, and then stabbed the floor to halt himself.

"Never imply the death of my loved ones." he snarled. "But you pose a fair question, and I will entertain it. Maybe she was lying to me. Maybe she lied to all of my troops, to you, to everyone else she brought here. What do you suggest doing to gain revenge?" I thought for a moment.

"Burn the traitorous heathen." I replied. "If you call me a Heretic, do you mean my species, or me in general?"

"Your species is hiding some of the greatest Forerunner artefacts the Covenant has ever known to exist. Oracles, Cartographers, and maybe even the Ark. Yet you hide them from us. And we will burn your worlds to find them."

"But yet she hired a 'heretic' in the knowledge that she had also hired YOU!" I cried in frustration. "It seems counterproductive to hire the enemy of somebody that she also hired. What if she hired MORE humans? Then what would you do? She'd have lied to you, to the humans, and to your troops. Most important to me, she lied to me." The Elite ran forward again, holding his sword like a joust as he charged. This time, I calmly stepped out of the way, allowing him to stick his blade into the wooden beam behind me. I watched the wood splinter and char as the blade went straight through it, the prongs appearing on the other side. Growling, he delivered a swift kick to my gut, and it held nowhere near as much force as the one that the white alien did. It still hurt like hell, I noted as I went backwards. I straightened my hat with my free hand. "And I suppose you don't think that these horses-"

"Ponies." corrected the purple one again.

"-ponies deserve a chance?" I asked. "They might be willing to believe in the Great Journey. Have you asked?" The Elite paused.

"No." he sighed. "I have not." Slowly, he turned to a grey and dark grey pony with a purple music note on her ass. "Would you believe in the Journey, if you were to know what it is?" The pony looked surprised.

"Uhm..." she stuttered. "W-Well, as long, uh, as long as it wasn't, um, insistent on fighting, then...sure, I'd be fine with believing in it." The Elite seemed genuinely surprised. I began fiddling with the Energy Sword to try turning it off while the Elite made a round of the room, asking ponies if they would believe. Suddenly, there was a tapping on my leg. I looked down, to see the purple pony again. She was smiling, this time.

"Well, it seems you managed to defuse quite the fighter there." she smiled, before extending a hoof. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I might need your help with something, if you'd be willing to join me." I paused.

"Why trust me?" I asked. "I did say that I signed a contract with her." Twilight laughed.

"Null and void, remember?" Sighing, I shook her hoof, and figured that I might just have found who'll show me what's what.

Comments

[Okhlahoma Beat-Down]

4244119 Well, the main character originates from TF2, and he's on the cover art. The aliens come from Halo, and that's really all you need to know thus far.