The Joke's on Equestria

by Grey Ghost

We Didn't Start The Flamemon

A loud thunk filled the air as the tile under Daring Do’s hoof started to sink, fire spiting out of the faces carved into the walls. “Why is it always fire with the Mareyans...?” she muttered, expertly navigating the spreading sea of flame. Of course, it was a rhetorical question, any historian worth their salt knew that the Mareyans worshipped the sun. She rolled out into a larger room, taking stock of herself and making sure nothing was on fire.

“At least it wasn’t the piranhas...” she muttered, looking around. The room itself was empty of any furnishing, with several pathways branching off. The partially collapsed roof negated the need for a torch, not that she had one anyway. The feature that caught her eye however, was the pictographs peeking out from behind plant growth. With a quick, hard tug, the vines fell away revealing an entire wall covered in writing.

“Well what do we have here..?” she asked herself, taking to the air and hovering to get a better look. She expected to find the usual Mareyan writings on the sun and its divine glory, but what she got... “That’s... I don’t even know what this is...” There it was, right in front of her, the legend of the ten warriors, one of the oldest stories known in the world of Halla, and one of the few to survive the Discordian age.

She moved to the upper left, placing her hoof against the wall, slowly moving to the right to follow the story as she read it aloud.

“Long ago, in times long past, a great conqueror descended from the skies. Though child-like in appearance, his power was untold and he commanded a great army. Our salvation came when the elements of our world manifested themselves into fierce warriors. They cut through the conqueror’s army and in the final battle, all but two were lost. Only Fire and Light survived to the end, and together they cast the conqueror out into the place between.” She paused, translating the last part of the story. “Here is the resting place of Fire, a temple built to honor his glory and power. May we never forget the warmth he provides us...”

“No wonder they praised the sun... it was just an extension of their deity...” she muttered to herself as she landed, adjusting her hat. It was times like these she wished she could be public with her discoveries, each one would drastically alter what ponykind knew of their history. Things like this were better off forgotten, or at the very least cleverly disguised as fiction.

Turning her gaze back to the task at hoof, she gazed between the doorways, rubbing her chin in thought. “Now... which way to go?” She moved to each of them, leaning her head in slightly and straining her ears for any sound. At the third and last door, a particular sound caught her attention, making her smirk. “When in doubt, always follow the monologuing.” She moved to pass through the door, throwing a look back at the pictographs. Maybe... maybe she could ‘leave’ the map to this place on a professor's desk... Her mind made up, Daring adjusted her hat before galloping down the hallway.

---

“You know, you still haven’t exactly told us what you want us to do,” Simon spoke up as Piedmon led them over another towering dune. The past two days had been like this, endless walking, first through a bug infested forest and now a hot ass desert. Every now and then the DemiDevimon would spot what looked like a building or statue. He would have investigated, but Piedmon kept them walking in a straight line.

“Only a bit longer my winged friend, we’ll be there soon.” Piedmon didn’t even look back, seeming to be unaffected by the harsh desert sun.

“Easy for you to say,” Steve muttered, floating across the sands, a highly irritated look on his face. “You’re a freaking mega.” Trusting the Dark Master wasn’t something he was keen on doing, even if Simon was eating out of the palm of his hand.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Steve looked up, noting Piedmon’s red eyes staring down at him.

“I-I’m fine.” He grinned sheepishly. “No worries.”

“Ignore him,” Simon cut in, “Guy always overthinks everything. Can’t even take a compliment without debating if it’s an insult.”

“I do not!” Steve hissed, baring his fangs at his turncoat friend.

“All I’m saying Steve, is you need to just go with the flow,” Simon stuck his tongue out before turning and flying right into a tall white pillar. “Damnit!” he shouted, rolling around in the sand before regaining his footing.

“Is... is that a SkullGreymon arm?” Steve asked, pointing at the long white object jutting out of the sand. Upon closer inspection, it was indeed a SkullGreymon arm, reaching up as if to grasp the sun.

“A glorious battle was waged here in eons past,” Piedmon spoke up, now standing atop the hill. The others quickly joined him, Simon letting out a long whistle. Laid out for miles in front of them was a vast wasteland, littered with the remains of long deceased digimon.

“So... what? We’re grave robbing now?” Steve asked, his frown deepening. “Sounds petty.”

“Grave robbing is such an ugly term.” Piedmon reached down, lifting up a small shard of glass. “We are here to do something much more refined than simple grave robbing.” He tossed the shard to Steve, who fumbled with it a bit before grasping it.

“What's this for?” Steve asked, holding it up, only to drop it with a hiss as it reflected a beam of light right into his eye.

“Eat it,” Piedmon commanded, looking down at him.

“You want me to eat glass?” Steve asked, blinking his eye a few times to make sure it wasn’t blind.

“It’s data. Keramon such as yourself eat megabytes of it almost constantly.”

“Well uh...” Steve lifted it up again, this time making sure not to fry his eye balls.

“Stop being a wuss and eat the damn thing!” Simon urged, landing on Steve’s head.

“Your blunt friend is right. If you want to get home, you’re going to need data. A tebibyte of data, in fact. So, better eat your Wheaties.” Piedmon threw his head back into an insane cackle.

“I’m going to regret this...” Steve gazed at the shard before throwing it into his mouth, blinking as it seemed to melt in his mouth. He swallowed it, shuddering a little as the most amazing taste hit him. It took a few moments before he felt it... a deep gnawing hunger that seemed to attack his soul. He looked up at Piedmon, his eyes wide. “Where can I get more?”

“Eat your fill my friend!” Piedmon threw his arms out, gesturing to the graveyard below them. Steve didn’t need to be told twice, as he proceeded to glide down the hill, quickly pouncing on and starting to devour a leftover Zudomon shell.

“Did you just turn Steve into a crackhead?” Simon asked, blinking a few times at his friend's sudden behavior.

“Don’t worry about him,” Piedmon said dismissively, “We have our own task ahead of us.”

“Oh yeah, what's that?” Simon inquired, looking at the taller digimon skeptically.

“We have a cockroach to dethrone,” Piedmon muttered as he slid down the hill, walking towards what looked like a giant termite mound rising up in the distance.

“The hell is that thing?” Simon fluttered after him, wishing that he could just walk.

“That is a changeling hive.”

“A what hive?”

“A changeling hive. Just imagine a swarm of bug horses.” Piedmon sighed, sidestepping a Titanmon’s sword.

“That's... mildly disturbing...” Simon muttered, looking up as a large black cloud seemed to rise from the hive. “Uh...”

“Perfect.” Piedmon smirked. “An excellent way to break you in.”

“Wait, what!?” Simon nearly shouted, his eyes wide. “You want me to fight that!?”

“Not by yourself. They’d eat you alive. Now try not to get deleted, I’m not in the mood to sit on any eggs.”

“Okay... maybe this wasn’t such a good idea...” Simon gulped as the swarm descended on them.

---

“Okay... got the right door with Ahuizotl on the other side... check... witty line...” She paused, looking lost in thought for a moment before her determined smirk returned. “Check. Let's do this...” She burst through the doors leading to the main chamber, an impressive feat considering just how heavy the doors were. “Come on Ahui,” she spoke, sauntering into view, fluffing her wings up a little, “You started the staycation without me? I can’t tell you how hurt I am.”

The room itself was the usual Mareyan fare, mostly empty with rows of pillars and a set of stairs leading up to a raised pedestal in the center, only this one sported two large statues on opposite walls. One was obviously draconic, while the other was some kind of horned biped.

“Ah! There you are Ms. Do!” Ahuizotl proclaimed, pointing a finger at her. His henchmen, tribal ponies as always, sprang into action, leveling their weapons at her. “I was afraid you’d miss my final victory!”

“Ahui dear, let’s be honest with ourselves, you haven’t won anything in years. In fact, it’s getting a bit old, ya know.”

“Are you calling me...boring!?” he nearly shouted, glaring at her.

“Well, when was the last time you tried to steal something that wasn’t some Mareyan relic?” The henchmen mumbled amongst themselves, only enraging Ahuitzotl further.

“Enough of this!” Ahuizotl shouted, his menagerie of cats gathering around him. “You won’t stop me this time, Daring Do!” He snapped the fingers on his tail hand, drawing one of his minions over. He reached into their saddle bag, pulling out a bright red orb, the inside of which seemed to house a dancing flame. “With the Heart of The Jaguar I will control the very element of fire!”

“All you’re going to get is a sunburn!” Daring shot back before darting forward. At this point, it wasn’t all that hard to zip out of her arch nemesis’ minions reach, at least until she got to the cats... those damnable cats, they always made things harder than they had to be. “I really need to start carrying catnip...” she muttered to herself, ducking under the tiger’s claws. Her blitzkrieg strategy firmly ground to a halt and the tribal ponies closing in, Daring did the first thing that came to mind – she threw her hat. It soared through the air, landing just under Ahuizotl’s foot as he moved to place the Heart on the pedestal.

“NO!” he practically screamed as he tripped, tossing the stone into the air. It came back down, almost in slow motion. As everyone moved to try and stop it, Daring listened to that little voice in the back of her mind, diving behind the nearest cover she could find. The Heart exploded in a massive fireball, rocking the already unstable temple, several pieces of the ceiling coming down.

“Please Faust tell me no one died!” Daring peeked out of cover, surveying the scene. Scorch marks covered the walls, the blast having incinerated most of the invading plant life. Most of the tribal ponies lay unconscious on the ground, a slight few buried under rubble. Ahuizotl himself had been thrown against the wall, a slab of rock pinning his legs. “Doesn’t look like anyone got hurt... At least not badly...” Daring gingerly trotted out into the open, wary for any surprise attacks or further falling debris. She smirked when she saw her hat, laying on a step, no worse for wear.
“Best thousand bits I ever spent.” She swiped it up, replacing it back on her head where it belonged. She then climbed up the stairs leading to the pedestal, or at least what was left of it.

The explosion had reduced it to a mere crater, with small fragments of the Heart littering its walls. Her ears twitched and she looked back to see Ahuizotl waking up, grunting in discomfort.

“If I told you once, Ahui, I’ve told you a thousand times. If you play with fire you’re going to get burned,” she taunted, using the most condescending voice she could muster, sounding like a scolding mother.

“Curse you, Daring Do!” Ahuizotl seethed, shaking his fist at her. “One day, I will prevail and you will be groveling at my feet!”

“Only in y-” Daring started to retort, only to be cut off as two more explosions erupted behind her. She whipped around to see the two statues had been obliterated, with what looked like miniature figurine versions of them floating in the air.

“Perhaps I did not lose after all?” Ahuizotl smirked, whistling for his cats to come to his aid.

“Oh buck me...” Daring muttered, her eyes going wide.

“The element of fire is mine!” Ahuizotl laughed, a grin spreading across his face as his pride freed him from his prison.

“Now Ahui... let’s not be too hasty...” Daring backed up, scanning the room as Ahuizotl and his forces, or at least those that had recovered, started toward her. She took a deep breath and assumed a fighting stance, trying not to think too hard about her odds.

“Look!” One of the tribal ponies shouted, pointing behind her. Everyone turned to see the two floating objects merge together in a tornado of flame. A figure formed out of the fire, solidifying into a physical being. It dropped to the floor before rising to its feet, giving the gathered ponies a clear view of it. Standing at around five feet tall, it was a brown bipedal creature. Its spiky hair was a deep fiery red, with a pair of horn stumps sticking out. It had deep jade green eyes, and white markings on its face, chest and clawed feet. It wore a pair of red pants with a black belt, matching shoulder pads, and metal-trimmed wristbands in the same color. From the back of its pants extended a tail which appeared to be on fire, or perhaps made of fire.

It stretched as though just waking up, letting out a yawn. “Man, can’t a guy get any sleep around here?” It, or rather he asked, gazing down at them. He blinked, looking around, scratching his cheek. “Did I end up in Indiana Jones or something?”

The ponies blinked a few times before the tribal ponies all dropped into a bow.

“What are you doing!?” Ahuitzotl scolded, glaring at them. “Get up you miserable cretins!”

“Show your respect!” one of them snapped, “That's Fire himself! None of us are worthy to be in his presence!” Ahuizotl hissed, narrowing his eyes in anger. He readied his tail hand to slap them for insubordination when he felt a hand wrap around it. He turned to see Fire standing there, wearing a grin.

“As much as I find the fan club off putting, I’m not about to let you go beating on them,” he spoke sternly before turning to the ponies. “And guys, please, the name is Willy. W-I-L-L-Y. Willy.”

“I don’t care what your name is! I freed you, you obey me!” Ahuizotl wrenched his tail away, whistling for his cats. They bounded over to him, standing around him protectively.

“Listen, vaguely Spanish... monkey man. I don’t take orders from jerks and I don’t exactly appreciate the attitude. Now, I suggest you walk away, because starting a fight with me is not a good idea.” He snorted, a gout of flame escaping his nostrils.

“As if I, the great Ahuizotl am afraid of-” He didn’t get to finish his sentence, as Willy tossed a fireball at him.

“Save the monologue, kid,” Willy commented, conjuring up another one, “I’ve heard better ones from better people.”

“Get him!” Ahuizotl commanded, sending his cats barreling toward Willy. Willy just smirked, dodging most of their attacks with ease. The ones that did connect didn’t actually seem to leave any marks on his body.

“Ya know, I used to be afraid of cats.” Willy chuckled to himself, roundhouse kicking the tiger into a wall. “How’d you train them all anyway?”

“It took about a metric ton of catnip, high-end fish, and antiseptic for the claw marks,” Ahuizotl replied before shaking his head. “Wait, why am I telling you all this? Just die already!”

“Baby Salamander!” Wily erupted into an inferno, launching the fire at the demented cat-man and his pride. “Not like digimon really die, so... pointless statement, man.”

“I don’t like you,” Ahuizotl deadpanned, his tail singed.

“Hey you woke up the warrior of fire, it’s your own damn fault you got burned.” Willy wagged his finger. “Why don’t you get out of here before I turn into something nastier?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Are you really a changeling or something?” Ahuizotl asked, blinking in confusion.

“Unless you want to find out, I suggest leaving, and quickly.”

“Do you really think I’m foolish enough to fall for a bluff like that? I’ve been fighting her too long for that to work,” Ahuizotl growled, jabbing a paw at Daring.

“Hey! I do not bluff!” Daring snorted, glaring back at him.

“Alright but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Willy held out his hand, conjuring one of the figurines. “Beast spirit evolution!” Instantly he was transformed into a towering bipedal dragon. His body was covered in red and gold armor, and his armored head in grey. Two strange devices were attached to his arms and a pair of flame wings protruded from his back.

“What was that about a bluff?” he asked, his voice deeper, carrying a predatory edge.

“I’ve made a terrible mistake,” Ahuizotl whimpered, sounding like a scared kitten. He then turned around and cleared his throat. “Change of plans, we’re going to get a different ancient source of power... Far away from here!” He took off running, his goons not far behind him.

“Fire truly is power!” one of the tribal ponies shouted as they crowded around Willy, all shouting praise at him.

“Okay guys seriously, my name is Willy.” The dragon chuckled weakly, reverting to his original form.

“Praise be to Willy, the eternal flame!” another tribal pony shouted, causing the others to chant it.

“That's... better, I guess...” he chuckled weakly, slumping his shoulders. “Looks like I’m stuck with the fan club...”

“I’d know a thing or two about fan clubs,” Daring chuckled. “It's the reason why I present my books as fiction.”

“Hello... Indiana Jones pony...” Willy blinked, turning around. “That cat guy called you uh... Daring right?”

“Yup! Daring Do is my name, exploring ancient ruins is my game!” She smirked, adjusting her hat and flaring her wings out.

“Alright Daring Do, can you tell me how I ended up here?” Willy asked, looking around. “Last thing I remember is... dying... actually, that's really depressing.”

“I’ll give you the short version. After your big battle the ancient Mareyans built a temple in your honor. Ahuizotl, the guy who just left a yellow trail to the exit, had an artifact called the Heart of the Jaguar that he thought would give him control of fire. Instead, you woke up.”

Willy blinked a few times before patting her on the head. “Now when you say ancient.... How ancient we talking here...?”

“A few thousand years,” she replied. “We’re talking way before the founding of Equestria,” she answered simply.

“A few... thousand years...” he repeated, a far off look in his eyes. He sat down on the stairs, staring at the ground. Daring walked over to him, putting a hoof on his shoulder.

“This is probably some heavy news.”

“T-that’s a really long time...”

“Yeah... it kinda is. Hey, at least you’re not dead anymore,” Daring offered with a weak smile.

“Digimon never really die...” he chuckled, putting his hand on her hoof. “The hell am I supposed to do now...?”

“Well... you could always come and join me?” Daring suggested after thinking it over. “I don’t usually take on partners, but... you did just save me the trouble of dealing with Ahui, so you might be alright.”

Willy chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m more than just alright, bird girl.” He stood up, stretching out. “Alright, I’ll accept your offer on one condition.”

“I offer you a place to stay and a job where you get to travel to exotic locations, and you have a condition for me?” Daring laughed. “Okay fire butt, what’s your condition?”

“I have a friend like me, his name's Rico, I need to find him.” Willy looked up at the sky, sighing. “I imagine he’s out there, asleep like I was...”

“Is Rico the ancient warrior of light that fought with you back in the day?” She guessed.

“How did you...?” He blinked, looking at her.

“It's a pretty common story if you're even slightly interested in archaeology,” Daring shrugged. “Plus, the pictographs in this temple tell it too.”

“We made it to the end... tossed that bastard out into the void.” Willy spat, the air around him speeding up. “Too many digimon died to fill his greed.”

“Why is it that the big bads always step on the little guys to take over the world?” She huffed.

“I don’t know.” Willy sighed. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, and I might be able to help you find Rico,” Daring smiled, nudging his side. “I know a guy up in Canterlot, he’s dedicated his life to the study of Mareyan legends. If there's anything on the warrior of light out there, he’ll know it.”

“...really, a pun on Camelot?” he asked, giving her an odd look.

“What's Camelot?” she asked, with a tilt of her head.

“Don’t worry about it...” He waved her off, sighing a little. “Anyway, you ready to blow this joint?”

“Yeah, and before we head to Canterlot, we gotta make a stop at my place. Can't exactly walk around the capital of Equestria in my gear.” She chuckled and tipped her hat.

“Wait!” one of the tribal ponies shouted, rushing over.

“Oh, great one! Please grace our village with your presence tonight!” He dropped into a bow, as did the others.

“Guys, seriously...” Willy groaned, hanging his head.

“Hey, we might as well go,” Daring elbowed him gently in the side. “I’d bet my hat that they're planning a celebration in your honor. A celebration with tons of food,” she concluded, licking her lips.

“Now they have my attention.” He grinned, licking his lips as well. “Alright! Looks like we’re spending the night with you guys!” The tribe cheered as they rushed over, lifting Willy off his feet and carrying him out of the room. Daring followed after him with a smile, trotting at a brisk pace.

Later, Willy and Daring were in the heart of the tribe’s village. The two of them sat on an elevated structure while the tribal ponies finished setting up the celebration. The entire village glowing with the light of dozens of torches.

“This place is actually really nice,” Willy commented to Daring, leaning back in his seat.

“Yeah, places like this still have access to ancient structures left behind by the Mareyans,” Daring informed him, sounding like a teacher. “They support themselves through their agriculture, though hunting and gathering is still sometimes practiced to pick up the slack. And herbs from this area are commonly used in modern medicines.”

“Oh yeah, horses can actually eat meat, can’t they...” Willy nodded, putting his hands behind his head. “Always wanted to visit a place like this...”

“Stick with me, Willy, and you’ll see plenty of ‘em. I’ve been all over the world, met all kinds of people. It's a good life.” She sighed in contentment, leaning her head back and shifting her gaze up to the sky.

“And I fought in a war that leveled a continent.” Willy let out a weak chuckle.

“That's all in the past,” Daring nudged him again. “Though, given my job, I do tend to dwell on the past.” She chuckled.

“Yeah...” He nodded, closing his eyes. “I’m surprised you don’t have any questions for me.”

“Trust me, I do,” she grinned. “But you just woke up from a pretty long nap. I can wait until you’ve adjusted to things.”

“Thanks...” He smiled at her, sighing a little. “I’m just glad I have both my spirits, getting stuck with just one would have been a nightmare...”

“Oh yeah, you shouted something about a beast spirit earlier and then turned into that sweet looking dragon,” she recalled. “I swear, you were like something off an album cover.”

“That was BurningGreymon, my beast half.” He conjured up the figurine. “And this is Agunimon, my human half.” He conjured up the other. “Together, they make up the element of fire.”

“Agunimon... that kinda sounds like something from the language of Neighpon,” Daring muttered to herself as she scrutinized the figurines.

“Each of the ten elements has a beast spirit and a human spirit, each have half of the original warrior’s power,” he continued further, “When I came here originally, I was AncientGreymon, and now I’m Flamemon.”

“I take it that's a downgrade?” she guessed.

“Oh, a big one. I used to be able to incinerate kilometers at a time with a single attack.” He nodded. “Now, at least without my spirits, all I can do is chuck fireballs.”

“Speaking of those spirits,” Daring said, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “You said they're both half of the element of fire’s power. Does that mean they can join together?”

“Yeah, when I use them as one, they create Aldamon and allow me access to my full power.”

“Figured as much,” she grinned. “You have no idea how many artifacts I’ve dealt with that have lore like, ‘Join the two halves of blah blah blah, in order to do so and so,’ it's one of the most common things I deal with.”

“You live the most interesting life.” Willy chuckled, sitting up with a grin as the food was brought out.

“I could tell you a couple really good stories on the way to Canterlot,” Daring smirked as the food was put in front of them.

“I’d love to hear ‘em!” Willy dove into his food, not even bothering to taste it.

“Alright, it’s a deal.” She smiled and buried her muzzle into her plate, matching his pace.

---

“M-my queen!” A frantic drone burst into the throne room, his eyes wide. “T-The intruders! They’ve broken through the last of our defenses!”

“What?!” the changeling queen cried, shooting up from her throne. “What are these intruders? Has anyling gotten a good look at them?!”

“O-one of them walks on two legs and the other is some type of bat! Everyling that's gone at them has been knocked aside!”

“We don’t have enough love gathered to deal with an assault,” the queen said, biting her lip. “Gather everyling! We are taking the eggs and larvae and escaping the hive while we still can!” she ordered, hopping down from her throne.

“Leaving so soon?” a new voice spoke up from the doorway. Piedmon stepped into view, Simon not far behind. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m afraid your travel plans have just been cancelled.”

“Protect the queen!” The queen's royal guard leapt forward, placing themselves between him and their ruler.

“A most unwise decision.” Piedmon held his arms out. “Ending snipe!” He unleashed a torrent of electricity from his hands, electrocuting the group. They withered in agony, dropping to the floor, though Piedmon didn’t let up. “You hear that? Such beautiful misery, is it not?”

“Please stop this!” the queen pled, watching her guards with horror. “What do you want from us?!”

“I am so glad you asked.” Piedmon smiled, ceasing the electricity. “From this moment on, you are mine, do you understand? Your entire race is mine. You will what I say, when I say it, exactly as I say it. And don’t even think about doing anything else.” He stepped on one of the guards, pressing his foot down hard enough to start cracking its shell.

“You bastard!” The queen spat, glaring at him. “...What is your first order for me?” She relented, her eyes watering at the sight of her suffering guard.

“Scour the desert.” He stepped away from the guard, moving past her to take a seat on the throne. “Specifically, a mirror. I want to know the moment you find it, is that understood?”

“Crystal,” the queen said in an icy tone. “Is there anything we should know about this mirror? Like its appearance?”

“It’s about as big as one of those doors with some pieces broken off.” He leaned back, grinning at her. “And when you leave, don’t forget to bow.” The queen gritted her teeth, but did as she was told. All the while she was formulating a plan to reclaim her throne from the monster who had taken it.

Comments

[shinigamisparda]

... And I already want to kill Piedmon. Violently. Until nothing is left but a bloody smear.

[Cursed Quill]

spiting

spitting

arch nemesis’ minions

nemesis's

Specifically, a mirror.

for a mirror.

[Reishin Amara]

7126313
Eh,he's making good use of peidmon,that's for sure..most authors screw him up.