The Joke's on Equestria

by Grey Ghost

Beat down Of The Century

I jumped out of the portal with my faithful companion at my side surveying the surroundings.

Okay, Ponyville, looking pretty happy. Good.

I then noticed the many ponies staring at me in shock and fear.

Four-legged ponies. That’ll make things easier.

I then turned and saw a giant crystal tree-palace, thing.

And that puts us at the very least after the end of season four. Okay so what next?

I pondered this for a moment as the many ponies stared at me, either too scared to move or backing away slowly.

Do I wanna be the bad guy for a bit? … Nah, not after what I did with the Beacon kids. So what then? … Maybe not the best idea, but it’ll work.

I pulled out a bit and flicked it away from me, landing in a jukebox and starting the music before spinning and summoning the iconic white suit and white fedora. Enkidu groaned as I started to dance and sing and went off to the nearest restaurant with a bag of bits and managed to order a coffee, much to the waiters’ continued surprise.

This should attract the attention of someone.

---

“Vee Headbutt!” Isaac shouted, ramming his head into the tree, smirking as the apples all dropped into the waiting buckets.

“And that doesn’t hurt at all?” Starlight asked, trying to see if there were any marks on his forehead.

“Nah!” Isaac smirked. “It stings a little but it doesn’t actually hurt.”

“An’ Ah thought Ah was hard headed.” Applejack whistled. “Shoot, I bet you could do a whole grove by yerself.” Twilight snorted at this, scribbling away at her notepad. “What’s up, sugarcube?”

“I mean, I’ve been your friend for far longer and you don’t let me do anything but buck when I help you harvest...”

“Well yeah, see, Isaac here may not be using hooves, but he’s at least using his body. Y’all know we’re traditional.”

“Yeah, but...” Twilight pouted before sighing. “I understand, AJ... doesn’t mean I like it...” she grumbled to herself. “What about you?” she turned, looking at the worm resting on her back.

“Me?” Jethro gulped, tapping his claw together.

“Yes, you. Can you do anything like that?” Twilight asked, gesturing to Isaac as he harvested another tree worth of apples.

“Not uh... exactly...” he shook his head. “But I do have an attack...”

“Can we see it?” Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow.

“Sure...” He aimed away from her, clearing his throat. “Sticky Net!” he shouted, spewing several strands of silk, creating a makeshift wall between two trees.

“Fascinating...” Twilight muttered to herself, scribbling away again. “And you said you have higher forms as well, right?”

“Did she forget we already told her that?” Isaac asked, scratching the side of his head, taking a break.

“No! I didn’t forget!” Twilight blushed, glaring at him. “I’m just restating the facts. It helps me organize my thoughts.” She cleared her throat, regaining her composure.”Now, it seems that you two digivolve in times of need, is that common?

“Yeah, most digimon evolve when their lives, or the lives of their friends, are in danger.” Isaac grabbed an apple, and with a confirmation from Applejack, started to eat.

“So... all we have to do is replicate that and...”

“That is a very bad idea.” Jethro shook his head. “Trying to force digivolution turns out very poorly.”

“How so?” Starlight asked, grabbing an apple herself, taking a bite out of it.

“Like digivolving into a giant, feral monster and destroying everything kind of poor.” Jethro shuddered. “SkullGreymon was so freaky...”

“Personally, I always thought it looked cool. Then again, that was during a phase of my life where everything that screamed ‘power’ was ‘cool’.”

“Gah!” The collected group whirled around, with Isaac rushing up protectively.

“Whatcha want you eavesdropping jerk!?” the little digimon growled, glaring up at their party crasher.

“‘Eavesdropping jerk?’ That’s a new one. Can it really be called ‘eavesdropping’ if you’re not whispering?” the tall man mused.

“Yes!” came the collective reply.

“Wait...” Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You’re one of those displaced, right?”

“Oh, so you’ve already met one of us before? Perfect! Allow me to introduce myself, I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alejandro Lozendro Fredrico Gonzales of the Pure Noble Ordine del la Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise del Sito Divisione Ricettazione. And my companion here is Bob,” he said, finishing as he motioned to the large green canine at his side.

The wolf reached behind the man and pulled out a sign that read “My name is Enkidu, his name is Gilgamesh, and he’s an idiot.”

“I saw that,” the man chastised, only to get a huff in response as it threw the sign away, which then exploded into a flock of doves and flew off.

“But seriously, I go through all the trouble of doing a dance routine right in the middle of Ponyville and none of you show up? I almost feel insulted.”

“Uh... why did you do that?” Starlight asked, raising his eyebrow. “That... seems... pointless...”

“Well, I could’ve caused massive property damage, laughing like a maniac while I made the townsfolk scream in terror as I destroyed their homes and all their possessions. Would you have preferred that? Because I can head back to town and start over if you want.”

“No... I prefer the dancing...” Starlight quickly shook her head.

“Why do you look familiar...” Isaac looked up at the man, rubbing his chin. “I’ve seen you before somewhere...”

“Mayhaps this will help?” the man said before unclipping his weapon and spinning it dramatically. He then cut into the ground, opening what could only be called a hole in reality, and dropping in.

“I’ve been waiting in this collosseum for so very long now,” his voice echoed as six arms reached out of the void. “I was starting to worry that you’d never download this part of the game, and I’d be stuck in digital limbo!” The man then pulled himself out, clearly different from before with facepaint and standing almost twice the height he had been before. He then summoned four guns and two rocket launchers into his hands. “See these weapons I picked up in the Rift?” He then began to pose dramatically firing them off in different directions and, somehow, missing everything. “They let me predict the weather: Bullet showers and rocket storms! LET IT BEGIN!” he finished as the sound of drums beat in the background. Moments later, a tumbleweed blew by.

“Freaking Gilgamesh!” Isaac snapped his fingers. “I never could beat him in that game... stupid barrier spells...” he grumbled, crossing his arms.

“There are several reasons I could think as to why, one of them being that you just weren’t very good at the game,” he replied before returning to his previous form in a flash of light. “Now let’s see, we’ve got Veemon and… hold on, it’s coming to me…”

“I’m a Wormmon.” Jethro looked at him, crawling onto Twilight’s head, much to the alicorn’s irritation.

“Ah, that’s right! Man, it has been so long since I watched anything Digimon. I stopped after season two as well, so I guess it’s lucky I watched or I wouldn't have recognized you two. Also, you said ‘a Wormmon.’ I see you’ve decided not to take it on as your name.”

“Why would I want to go by the name of a species?” Jethro asked. “That's like calling a snake ‘snake’.”

“True. So what shall I call you, Displaced digimon? Shall it be ‘hard-head’ and ‘bottom-feeder’?” he asked, his tone suddenly growing a little darker.

“Hey now, that kinda talk is uncalled fer.” Applejack huffed. “Ain’t no reason to be insultin’ anypony.”

“Then give me your names, little ones. Names are more than just the ways we identify ourselves. For people like us they are our reputations, our legacies, and how we show this vast multiverse how we define ourselves.” A malicious grin began to stretch across his face. “Until you give them to me, you are nothing more than maggots in my eyes.”

“Hey!” Isaac snorted. “We have names! I’m Isaac and that's Jethro! Don’t you dare call us maggots!”

“Isaac and Jethro, huh? How biblical. Well, Isaac and Jethro, I have a question for you two. If something were to attack these three mares, what would do?”

“I’d beat you like you done stole somethin’!” Isaac growled, while Jethro groaned.

“Don’t try that stupid street thing again...” Jethro groaned, hanging his head.

“You hush up, I got this.” Isaac glared, trying to be as intimidating as possible. “I’d make you wish yo momma never let you off her teat.”

“Good to hear. But words are just words. Let’s see what you have behind them,” Gilgamesh responded with an ever widening smirk. “Sic ‘em.”

Isaac was suddenly bowled over and landed on his back, looking up to find a row of sharp teeth right in front of his face as Enkidu growled. The canine then bit into the digimon’s shoulder before chucking him at the nearest apple tree hard enough to shake all the apples from it.

“Isaac!” Starlight shouted, turning on Enkidu, firing off a blast of magic. Twilight followed suit, firing one off at Gilgamesh. The canine leaped several feet into the air to avoid the blast while Gilgamesh simply stood there, the magic blast having as much effect on him as a pebble being thrown his way. Enkidu then somehow pushed off thin air and dove down and Twilight and Jethro, fangs and claws bared.

Twilight teleported out of the way, her eyes wide. “I-I don’t understand! Why didn’t that bolt work!?”

“That... hurt...” Isaac growled, getting to his feet, swaying a little. He blinked, watching as Applejack rushed over, turning and bucking Gilgamesh in the chest. The reaction was the man sliding back a few feet, but otherwise not reacting at all.

“Is it really me you should be worried about?” Gilgamesh asked.

Applejack reacted quickly enough to jump over Enkidu barrelling into her, but the wolf quickly stopped and grabbed her tail in his teeth. He then proceeded to slam the farm mare into the ground before spinning and hurling her at Veemon.

“Ah crap...” Isaac groaned as Applejack hit him, sending them tumbling into the wall that Jethro had set up earlier, both getting stuck in it.

“Leave my friends alone!” Jethro leaped off Twilight, firing off some more silk at Gilgamesh. The attack connected, covering the armored warrior, only to be burned away as his body suddenly lit on fire.

“You are terrible at deciding where to focus your efforts,” he commented just before Enkidu bit him on his antenna. The canine then tossed him into the air before jumping after him. Enkidu then bit him on the tail and spun forward in as the dropped, landing as he slammed the larval digimon into the ground. He then turned and chucked Jethro at Starlight.

Starlight caught the dazed worm in her magic, setting him down. “Why are you doing this!?” she demanded, sending another bolt of magic at Enkidu.

“When I get out of here, I’m gonna crack your skull!” Isaac shouted, glaring at Gilgamesh, struggling to get free of the silk.

“Right, because you’ve been doing such a good job so far,” Gilgamesh rolled his eyes. “Your bravery is noted, but in the end so much bluster without strength only leads to one outcome. A CORPSE!” he finished as he ordered Enkidu to charge at Twilight.

“Twilight!” Isaac shouted, his eyes going wide. The digivice Twilight had tucked away under her wing started to glow, as did the digimon.

“Veemon digivolve to! ExVeemon!” Isaac grew in size, almost as tall as the trees. His horn had grown, now a full on sword blade, with his head becoming spiker around the back. He gained a pair of white dragon wings, as well as a grey ‘x’ across his chest.

“Wormmon digivolve to! Stingmon!” Jethro gained a similar increase in height, becoming bipedal. His body turned a dark green, with black gauntlets, thigh guards, and shoes, as well as black studded shoulderpads. He feet had two long clawed digits and his hands had five clawed fingers, as well as concealed blades in the gauntlets. His eyes had become completely red with no pupils or irises, and a tuft of red hair sprouted around the neck of his now helmet-like head. On his back were a pair of clear bee-like wings.

“Vee Laser!” Isaac covered his chest before thrusting it out, firing off a yellow ‘x’ shaped beam at Enkidu, sending him tumbling away.

“Sweet Celestia!” Twilight gaped, looking at the pair, “T-this is amazing! And to think... you still have two more forms!”

“Huh... I guess that little blue guy was a dragon...” Applejack muttered, looking up at Isaac in awe.

“Spiking Strike!” Jethro extended a long purple energy blade from his wrist, lunging at Gilgamesh. The warrior finally moved, quickly smacking aside Jethro’s hand and shoving his palm into Jethro’s face, the impact sending the digimon flying back several yards. Jethro buzzed his wings and managed to keep himself from smacking into anything while Gilgamesh whistled. Enkidu then quickly dashed to his side.

“You doin’ okay, buddy?” he asked, getting a ‘ruff’ in response. “Alright, hang back. It’s my turn.” He then began to calmly stroll forwards. “Congratulations on your Champion levels, you two. Let’s see how well you use them.”

“Vee-Laser!” Isaac unleashed another blast as Jethro darted in with another strike.

Gilgamesh crossed his arms and took the hit, the attack forcing him back a few feet but otherwise not doing much. Jethro prepared for another attack, only for Gilgamesh to cross his arms… and fire the Vee-Laser at him.

“Crap!” Jethro rolled out of the way, his strike cutting a tree in half.

“Consarnit! Stop destroying my orchard!” an irate Applejack shouted, glaring at them.

“Get mad at us later!” Isaac shouted back, dashing forward and throwing a fist at Gilgamesh. The warrior took the hit to the face, managing to push him back a few feet and make him roll with the punch.

Gilgamesh turned back to face Isaac. “Thank you, sir. May you have another?”

“Wh-Wha-? Wait, isn’t it ‘may I have another’?”

“Yes, you may,” Gilgamesh replied before sucker-punching Isaac into the air with an uppercut.

“Oh, you’re such a dick...” Isaac groaned, shaking it off. He unleashed another laser as Jethro darted in from behind, slashing him across the back. Gilgamesh didn’t dodge either attack and after stumbling forwards from the slash was forced back by the laser blast, having to take a few steps to right himself.

After a few moments he stood tall and cracked his neck. “So it seems you’re not bad at teamwork after all. I guess your new forms came with some innate combat instincts. Very good.” He the rotated his arm, seeming to work out a kink in his shoulder. “But…” His eyes then glowed red. “Muda da.”

The next moment Gilgamesh suddenly had eight arms, his armor having changed to show off most of his torso. He was also somehow right in front of Isaac.

“MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!MUDA!” he shouted as he laid into the dragon digimon with rapid punches so quick he couldn’t even tell where they were coming from before receiving an overhead strike powerful enough to embed him into the ground..

“Isaac!” Jethro zipped forward, using both arm blades, slashing at Gilgamesh like a madman.
Gilgamesh easily weaved through the wild slashes before suddenly disappearing. Jethro looked around trying to find where he went when a bellowing shout came from above him.

“ROADA ROLLA DA!”

Jethro looked up, only to be met with a steamroller slamming into him, trapping him between it and the ground. Gilgamesh laughed like a madman as he rapidly punched the machine, smashing it over and over again into Jethro, before laying one last punch into and jumping off right before it exploded.

Jethro groaned, his body seeming to glitch a little before he reverted back to Wormmon.

“I’m not going to let you hurt my friends!” Starlight screamed, jumping protectively over the helpless worm, glaring up at the taller being.

“I’m going... to hurt you...” Isaac staggered to his feet, covered in bloodless cuts and bruises. He took a few steps before falling over, reverting to Veemon. Twilight stood over him protectively, flaring her wings out, lighting her horn up.

Gilgamesh didn’t move, only staring them all down. Then he began to slowly clap two of his hands. After a few moments he flashed and returned to his initial form, still applauding. “Well done. Very well done, indeed… for novices, anyway.”

“Uh...what?” Twilight asked with a blink, her magic fading. “Aren’t you... you know... gonna try to kill us?”

“Making you think that was the idea,” he replied simply.

“Then why are you clapping?”

“A congratulations for your progress. You showed that have the guts to stand up to your proclamations. However, guts will only take you so far.” His eyes turned. “What do you think would've happened if someone as powerful as me showed up who did want to kill you?”

“We’d... digivolve higher...” Isaac lifted his head up. “You can’t keep... a good hero down...”

“Such a weeaboo...” Jethro wheezed out.

“You've got spirit, kid. I like that. But thinking you'll win just because you're the ‘hero’ is a surefire way to get yourself killed,” Gilgamesh replied harshly. “Things will be coming. Enemies that you will recognize. Monsters and villains from your origin will come to destroy and plot against you, if they aren't already here.”

“Well... that’s just great...” Isaac collapsed again. “I really wanted to fight evil digimon...”

The next thing Isaac knew Gilgamesh was right in front of him, eyes glowing red and with an aura radiating off him that screamed ‘DEATH.’ In addition to that was was the cold feel of metal at the back of his throat, Gilgamesh having stuck the blade of his spear into his mouth, stopping just short of piercing all the way through.

“This isn't a game, you shortsighted fool,” he chastised, his voice reverberating. “People’s lives are depending on you now. This world is depending on you now. You don't have the right to act like a stupid little kid anymore. Not unless you're okay with the idea of your friends dying because you are too weak.” He held the weapon there for a few more moments, making sure those words sunk in before removing it and letting his more intimidating displays fade.

“Yes, I get it...” Isaac groaned. “I use humor a lot. Bite me.”

“Fine. So long as you remember this, both of you,” he turned to face Jethro, making sure he was paying attention as well. “Train. Train until your muscles scream and your hearts pump like jackhammers. Train until your veins pump acid and your lungs burn. Train until you reach Ultimate, then Mega. Train until you're about to collapse and then keep training. Your enemies can strike at any time and you need to be ready for them. If you want to live, that is. These powers may make you feel strong, stronger than you've ever been, but that's not enough to protect this world. Remember, you can never be too strong when defend those you care about.”

“You do know that... training like that... usually makes a digimon digivolve incorrectly, yeah?” Isaac asked as Twilight gently levitated him across her back, the little digimon looking exhausted.

“The point I am trying to make here is that you need power, and you can't be lazy about getting it. Your enemies will likely be incredibly powerful, maybe even close to my level. And before you make any quips about that… ten percent. That's about how much of my full power I used against you. And that's probably twice what I needed.”

“Yeah... there are totally stronger digimon than you...” Isaac laughed, wincing in pain. “Okay... don’t laugh... got it...”

Gilgamesh growled and looked to Starlight Glimmer. “You. You tried to get revenge on Twilight and her friends, right? Rather recently, if I'm not mistaken?”

“Yeah...” Starlight nodded, not looking him in the eye.

“Good. Then you know how to keep these two prepared for an enemy like what you once were. An enemy who is powerful, determined, and intelligent. You can help keep an eye out for what lies ahead, and make them ready.” He then turned back to Isaac. “Especially this idiot.”

“Hey! I am not an idiot!”

“I know it may not be something you like to revisit, but if you want to help them you need to acknowledge the pony you once were,” Gilgamesh continued, ignoring Isaac. “Observe these two carefully, learn their strengths and their weaknesses. Find out how opponents could break their bodies, their minds, and their spirits, and then devise counters for all them. There are many ways to protect hope Starlight, and your skills, while perhaps not the most benevolent, are necessary. This is what you can do to atone for who you once were.”

“She’s already atoning, she’s my apprentice,” Twilight snorted, glaring up at him.

“That won’t be enough for the storm that will no doubt be coming,” he answered harshly before turning back to the two digimon. “Hate me if you wish, whatever it takes to give you the motivation to get stronger. Equestria is depending on you two.” He reached behind him and pulled out a brown medallion before tossing it to them. “You can use that to call me if you’re in a pinch, or if you want a rematch. Don’t bother with the latter until you reach ultimate, though. It’ll be a waste of everyone’s time. And know that there’s more than just you two and me caught in the same situation you are. Some of them will be more than happy to help you.” He then turned and grabbed his weapon. “Until next time,” he said as he cut a hole in reality itself. “Ja nee,” he finished as he and his canine companion jumped in, the portal closing behind them.

“That guy... was a dick...” Isaac commented, snorting a little.

Author's Note:

A crossover with Gilgamesh, whose story can be found here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/240011/for-glory-for-equus-for-epicness

Comments

[Grey Ghost]

7126313 Digimon don't have blood

[Cursed Quill]

collosseum

colosseum