Part of the peaceful kingdom of Equestria has split off and declared war on the Princesses! Who will rise to the call of heroes to protect Equestria from it's worst enemy yet, themselves?
Okay, I'm commenting on your story like you asked me to. Words of advice?
The most obvious error in the story is that you don't know when to make new paragraphs. When you change the subject, or the speaker, you make a new paragraph. That means this:
“Have you tried contacting his squads in Trottingham and Trotronto? “ Celestia asked. “ Yes your highness, but they won’t respond either! Shall I gather a company of Guards to make sure the cities are OK?” Shining asked. “That will not be ness-” Celestia was saying as another guard bust into the throne room.
should be more like this:
“Have you tried contacting his squads in Trottingham and Trotronto? “ Celestia asked. “ Yes your highness, but they won’t respond either! Shall I gather a company of Guards to make sure the cities are OK?” Shining asked. “That will not be ness-” Celestia was saying as another guard bust into the throne room.
this is not the only problem with the writing, but the most obvious.
Okay, I'm commenting on your story like you asked me to. Words of advice?
The most obvious error in the story is that you don't know when to make new paragraphs. When you change the subject, or the speaker, you make a new paragraph.
That means this:
should be more like this:
this is not the only problem with the writing, but the most obvious.
Just a tip~