Blocked
“Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…”
This sound was not unheard of in this room. To some, it signified hope, the hope of a beating heart, the hope that the pulsing in their chest would stay steady and that they soon wouldn’t require a machine to tell them that. To others it was a noise of despair. It mocked, them reminding them that they were not yet stable, and the cold embrace of death loomed over them, and even if they did make it out they may never be normal again.
To Rainbow Dash it was the latter. It had been a day since she’d awakened with a scar on her chest. Said scar was the result of a surgery that took away a part of her only to be replaced with something that did the job but was nowhere near as good as the original it had replaced.
Pace maker, the word rung in the cyan mare’s head. She didn’t know whether she was thankful or appalled. It saved her yet the magical artifact also limited her. She couldn’t push it as hard as she had the heart that gave out on her. A high speed flight was out of the question, and a sonic rainboom, impossible.
The magic artifact would last her whole life, serving only to remind her of the day an artery in her heart suddenly had a spasm, blocking her heart for long enough to damage most of it. Now the only thing keeping her alive was a hunk of enchanted metal pumping blood through her body.
The Pegasus cried into her hooves, her rainbow mane in shambles. How could this happen to her. Of all ponies it had to be the one who trained every day and was in near perfect heath. All those years of training for the wonder bolts, gone. She could never even think of joining them in her condition.
“Miss Dash?” A nurse called for her.
“Yeah?” A Disgruntled Rainbow replied, still sobbing into her pillow.
“You have a visitor.”
Dash’s ears perked up a bit. One of the only things keeping her sane were her friends. “Who is it?”
“It’s Ms. Sparkle.”
“Well, let her in!” Dash insisted.
In walked a lavender alicorn, her purple mane flowing behind her. Of all of her friends the egghead was the one that Rainbow held closest. Maybe it was the fact that they had the most in common. Sure she was an egghead, but at the same time, both loved fiction, gazing at the stars, and were even flying buddies. Honestly, Dash felt the most comfortable around her.
“How you holdin’ up?” Asked a worried Twilight.
“Better than yesterday, thanks to you!”
“Oh it’s no trouble, charging the heart with my magic was the least I could do.” Twi smiled warmly walking over to Dash’s bedside.
“You saved my life Twi, that’s more than the least you could have done!” The prismatic Pegasus insisted.
“When will you get out of here?”
“In a week.”
“Better than nothing, I guess.”
The two mares engaged in idle conversation, just enjoying each other’s company, one mare significantly more than the other. Soon the time came for Twilight to return to the library, much to the chagrin of both ponies.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Twilight bided. With that, the sterile hospital room seemed less lively to rainbow.
Twilight sadly walked out of the hospital. One week, one week until the mare she loved was on her feet. 3 days ago, when her love’s heart failed, was supposed to be the day Twilight would finally confess. Unfortunately fate had other plans when it gave Rainbow a heart attack. Twilight hung her head as she made her way to the library.
As she made into the hallow tree, the alicorn called for her assistant. It took the lack of an answer to remind her that he had gone to Canterlot on business. This only added to the loneliness she was feeling. Surely, she’d be counting the hours until the apple of her eye made her way back into the world.
She didn’t know when she had first fallen for Dash; as far back as she remembered the alicorn had admired the former speedster so an exact moment was hard to pin down. If she were to hazard a guess it was when she used the memory spell on her friend. Doing so not only allowed her to pass her memories on but sift through Dash’s. That made her realize exactly who her friend was, and she loved who she was.
But now the object of her affection was in no condition to be stressed about what she wanted. Twilight had to be there for her, and she would. She could only hope that she wouldn’t lose her nerve. With her mind a buzz, she decided to read before bed.
Two days crawled by, for Rainbow Dash. What time she didn’t spend reading Daring Doo or talking to her friends, she'd be crying or have certain thoughts. These were not thoughts she was proud of. Of all of her friends, Twilight was the one that would stay the longest. Though she was grateful, Dash didn't think much of this after all they were best friends.
If that were true maybe she should open up to Twilight, she knew that Twi would understand, but could Dash afford to put her walls down, even for a second. For Twilight, why not? Her best friend wouldn’t judge her. The cyan pony decided to wait for her friend’s inevitable arrival.
It didn’t take long for the alicorn to show up. Rainbow greeted her and offered her a seat.
“Twilight, what I’m about to tell you doesn’t leave the room, okay?”
The purple pony’s wings twitched. “Of course rainbow, you know you can trust me.” On the outside she was smiling but on the inside she thought, ‘Please tell me she loves me! I’d do anything to get her to tell me she love me!’
“I’ve been really depressed over this whole thing. I can never be a wonder bolt, even though I've been training for so long. And recently I’ve been having… thoughts.”
“Thoughts?”
“Twilight, I’ve been thinking,” The rose eyed Pegasus sobbed. “I’ve been thinking of ending it all.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “What!?”
“Twilight I’m sorry, I don’t want to I really don’t. But I can’t keep these thoughts away.”
“Don’t do it! Please for the love of Celestia don’t!”
“I know I have a lot to live for, but I can’t control myself.”
“Please Dash, I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
“I’m so, so, so, sorry twilight. Oh you’re taking this even worse that I thought you would.”
“Rainbow, please.” Twilight embraced her friend. “Don’t do this.” She cooed softly.
“Let’s just forget this ever came up.”
“NO! I CAN’T!”
“Why not?!”
“BECAUSE DAMMIT, RAINBOW I LOVE YOU!”
This is amazing
'Nough said
Pacing needs slowing (not as much as some stories, but it still needs to slow down a bit-this chapter could have been expanded to two decent-length chapters.). idea, though a little overused, could be good if you add your own twist and keep it interesting. More descriptions, the thought processes of both of them are, while still in-character, a little too fast.
All in all, I'll keep track of this.
What Kodeake said about pacing (Lol, pacing issues in a pace maker story). I think there is a considerable amount of potential in this story to be great with fun twists and some gripping emotional drama as RD struggles with her injury. A used subject to be sure, but its still a classic that can be customized into a thing of beauty.
Some difficulty I had was the formatting, but that's because I'm use to separations between paragraphs instead of indentations.
I also noticed some issues with grammar and spelling, but that can be fixed if you get yourself a good editor/pre-reader/proofreader. (I swear they are all the same but people think differently than me).
So, keep it up mate, cheers!
i dont know what you think a pace maker is but its definitely not a replacement heart, its actually a small machine that is placed next to the heart to keep its rhythm and pace, hence pacemaker. If she had a collapsed artery she would get medical stents, little pieces of metal that will make sure the artery will not collapse in the future. If she had gotten the latter, then she would've still been able to do her normal flight and fitness. The former I'm not too sure about.
The pace makers are for those whose hearts beat irregularly or skip a beat.
3811098 Woops. Um I'gonna use the excuse that the layman wouldn't know that so dash just calls it that.
3811771 so what the heck is it then?
3812279 Artificial heart.
3812464 wouldn't they give her a heart transplant of a REAL heart, not a mechanical one?
3812503 IDK okay its a plot hole, give me some time to decide how to fix it.
3812534 ok, i say you just give her the stents, it'll give her some hope and make it so the story isn't completely depressing. She still wont be able to join the Wonder-bolts and a sonic rainboom will probably kill her, but she'll still be able to fly fast, just under the speed of sound.
too rushed but still good, you could have had a small start explaining how she had the collapsed artery in a chapter then do the hospital stuff in a second chapter and then a third of how she wants to off herself, lastly have her reaction and decision from twilights confession in a fourth chapter. this chapter just seemed too rushed to me but has a good promise, keep up the good work,
3821272 It wasn't a collapse just a spasm. The artery is fine but she lost most of her heart died.
Well, slightly rushed but still very well written! #TwiDashFTW