"Come on come on"repeated the purple mare as her horn glowed .
The young dragon , Spike,watched licking an icecream "Twilight give it up you have been at this for 2 hours now" he complained.
Twilight shook her head.
"No Spike im so close no way am i giving up y-WAAH"
Twilight was thrown back as a huge burst of energy burst into the room throwing her back against a book case,then,everybook fell on Twilight.She nosed her way through looking at the portal that was floating in the middle of the room in was pulsing with power.Twilight turned her attention to Spike who had fainted with the icecream rolling down his spines.Lightning cracked and then the portal began to shake causing Twilight to fall.She back away behind the huge pile of books for safety.Her horn glowed and she transported Spike next to her.Once the shaking stopped Twilight peeked over and stared at the pony who was laying on the floor.It was an orange unicorn that seemed to be wearing a white tank-top and a darker orange top that stopped at her waist but went down her legs stopping at white boots.On her back legs were two more sets of these boots but they had unusual black things stretching from them.She trotted over to the orange mare and poked her jumping back to see if anything was happening.The mare twitched.
"Oh no no no bloody hell no!"yelled the pegasus turning round in circles fluttering his wings in worry.He had just met up with that mare known by the name "Chell" when he jumped off his managment rail,discovering he was scared of flight.He had just told her that if he ever unconnected him from his mangement rail he would die.He lived but as soon as that happened a portal opened and she was sucked in.
Chell opened her eyes looking at her surroundings.She got to her hooves passing a groan as she did.Getting more used to her surrounding's she spotted the purple unicorn cowering in the corner.She tried to speak but once again,because,she had slept to long her vocal chords were dry.Chell coughed.
Twilight looked at the orange unicorn standing infrount of her.She got to her hooves
"um...hi?"she smiled hoping the mare understood her.The mare just coughed again
."Um....want some water?"asked Twilight.
The mare nodded.Twilight rushed off into the kitchen and trotted over to the sink.She began get a glass of water when she wondered where this mare came from.Twilight walked back into the room and handed the mare the water.The unicorn took the glass as Twilights glow around the cup changed into a more bluish glow.Chell sipped the water it.
"Yes hello"she managed to say after she devoured the water
"My name is Twilight sparkle"began Twilight "..Im sorry for taking you out of your...realm...miss...um"
"Chell"
"oh Chell ok then....well im sorry Chell."sighed Twilight.
Chell looked elsewhere ."Its ok" Chell smiled."It seems alot nicer than the place i was in"she began chuckling to herself.
Twilight had her head in her hoofs she looked up "Really?"she moved closer studying the pony "where are you from?"
."Aperture...is where i was...i think...but i dont know where i live.."Chell thought she sounded absolutley stupid when she said that.
"Aperture? where's that?"asked Twilight she moved around Chell studying her clothing then finnaly stopping at her flank staring at her cutie mark.It seemed to be an orange circle linked with a blue one.
"Whats your cutie mark?"asked Twilight.
Chell's brain turned to mush for a second.'Cutie marks? what the hell are those things?'.
"What are cutie marks?"asked Chell.
Twilight stood up she smiled her eyes glimmering.Her horn glowed brining a book down and shoved it into Chell's face.
"Page 27 of chapter 1"adressed Twilight.
Chell read the page."So..a Cutie mark shows what a pony's speciel talent is..Interesting"she muttered then chuckled at a little thought that popped into her head 'I wonder what GLaDOS' cutie mark would be...a cake maybe?'.
Twilight tapped Chells shoulder bringing her back.
"Chell...What is Aperture?"asked Twilight settling herself on the wooden floor next to Spike.
Chell began to tell the story.The lies.the cake.The writing in secret rooms.
----------------------------------
"He put his hoof on the floor and then BAM! i was sucked into a portal"she Finished.
Twilight understood that this mare had a..a sort of mission in her realm.Twilight stood up her tail and mane blowing (even though there wasnt any wind).
"Chell! im gunna help you get back to your world if its the last thing i do"she smiled.Chell smiled.
"thanks Twilight"a tear ran down her cheek.
Twilight dumped every book of the shelf "Ill find the spell dont worry!".
Chell sat back in awe as the purple unicorn went from one book to the next.Chell wished she could just say to Twilight that she kinda didnt wanna go back to Aperture but she kept her mouth shut not wanting to upset Twilight.
Wheatley ran in circles
"Oh please oh please come back....w-what if she finds me".
Fluttershy was walking home when Pinkie pie bounced up.
"Hi Fluttershy"she beamed.
"Oh hello Pinkie" "I was on my way to Twilights house wanna come?".Fluttershy agreed and they walked (Pinkie bouncing) to Twilights library.
Fluttershy knocked on the door and waited.Pinkie yelled "TWILIGHT ME AND FLUTTERSHY ARE HERE".
Twilight was looking through a book called 'Portals for Ponies' when she heard the knock on the door then Pinkies loud scream.Twilight,still looking through the book,opened the door with her magic.The pink pony bounced in followed by the shy pegasus.Pinkie stopped when she saw the orange unicorn sitting on Twilight's rug.
"A NEW PONY!"Pinkie cried in delight.She bounced around Chell.
"HI im Pinkie pie! i cant wait to be your new best friend whats your name?"she asked stopping infrount of Chell and staring.
"My names Chell nice to meet you Pinkie pie"."Naw just call me Pinkie"smiled the pony."Ok Pinkie".
Fluttershy trotted over to Twilight "Twilight who is this 'Chell'? is she one of your friends from Canterlot?"asked Fluttershy.
Twilight had moved onto the next book.
"Ill tell you later Fluttershy ok?"said Twilight reading another paragraph.
"Oh..ok"murmered Fluttershy.
First. The story has no build-up and stuff starts happening too soon.
Second. Grammar and punctuation need work.
Third. Chell can't talk at all. Everybody who's played portal knows that.
This is a triumph. I'm making a note here, HUGE SUCCESS.
Holy mother of compressed time and text. That was slighty hard to read and went alittle fast. sorry.
337048 Aww thanks....Strangley enough my friend was just singing that =3
337040 Yeaah i know Chell cant speak and im sorry about the grammar and punctuation im new to writing story's.But i wanted Chell to speak so i just thought id add a part where her voice would come back after drinking a glass of water or something.
Ah man i really really REALLY like this story...although i must admit everything did go a little to fast i like the story line...although Chell cant speak in the game..i dont mind if she speak's i kinda like the idea ^ ^
337073 Thanks ^ ^
337055 GLaDOS woudl like to give you a muffin for this.th08.deviantart.net/fs70/150/f/2012/024/9/c/the_cake_is_a_lie__by_medlimakar-d4nipaz.jpg
337090 Yay ^ ^ Im soooo GLaD its not cake :
337093
-murders muffin with magnum-
THE MUUFFIN IS A LIE!
-aims at you-
and now, YOU ARE THE LIE!
337120 WHAT!...Meh at least i still have my WCC to save me!*Holds infrount of me!*
337121
-grabs mini-nuke launcher and steps out of range of the blast-
-shoots-
337313
how about....
no
Holy bleep, I'll track this but PLEASE fix the first chapter, the wall of text is ruining it all for me
337359 Sorry =(...I hate my story writing im mean im completley new to it and I HATE IT!...im sorry the text is ruining it for you =(
337366
Its cool, you just need a pre-reader.
Try asking around, loads of people will help.
337372 Ok ^ ^ Thanks for the idea =3
337379
No problem, and your avatar picture, is that your persona?
This is bad. You have no spaces after the punctuation, there are loads of sentences with either too short or too long lengths, the dialog feels like it is too quick and nothing saying, you have unmarked scene cuts and you have too few paragraph breaks.
Seek help, you need an editor.
337401 Sorry....I know im terrible with writing stuff....Sorry..
337382 Oh..No its not my pony..My pony looks nothin' like that..I just like the OC im planing to change it soon.
Cave Johnson here, and honestly were not sure what the heck we're doing here. Basically were throwing science at a wall, and seeing what sticks. Hey, it looks like a pony, strange. Hear that, science means ponies. Good luck.
337418 Ponies ...To much ponie and portal. :3
it is a good idea.. but the other comments have a point.
you lack a buildup.
start from before.. start with human!chell waking up in the room and Twilight finding the spell.. have the story then progress to that point where chell arrives.. i personally would have it after she wakes up GLaDOS so that you dont have to go too far out of your way to get her involved.
also for chell talking you could have it happen with Magic? that way you have canon chell and talkychell at the same time.
337060
she should've been injured so twi would have to use healing magic, thus fixing her brain damage.
You really need new paragraphs when a new character starts speaking.
337040 Lies. She can talk, but she doesn't want to. The developers confirmed that.
337424 Too much pony and portal
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS
337040Um, Yeah!
Hello everyone, and welcome to Grammar Nazi Hell!