Rarity's apprentice

by Digiquill

New in town

Coco Pommel sits in her seat aboard the 12:00 am to train, looking out the window at the dimly lit countryside. The landscape seemed to fly past as the train raced along the tracks, Coco sighed deeply, she shifted her focus from the seenery beyond the window to the glass of the window itself, as she did this the landscape outside her window became covered in a partly translucent reflection of her own face. She stared deeply into her own eyes as she thought of the events of the last couple of weeks, suddenly her eyes began to well up with tears and she felt a lump form in her through, she quickly shut her eyes tight and turned away from the window either not wanting to see herself cry or not wanting to let the world see her cry, she wasn't sure which, Coco buried her face into her hooves and sobbed silently for several minutes before she regained control of her emotions. She wiped her tears away with a hancrchife and began to reassure herself.

"It's okay I can fix this. She can help me fix this, I just need to find her" she said quietly to herself. The train began to slow as it pulled into station. The conductor yelled out

"Ponyville station, all Ponyville passengers may disembark now. " with that Coco Pommel stood up, gathered her things and exited the train. The could early morning air hit her immediately as she steeped out of the cabin onto the train station platform. Sh shivered as a could Breeze blew past chilling her to the bone. She approached the ticket booth tapping on the glass to get the attention of the pony inside. The ticket master was jerked awake by the noise, after nearly falling out of his chair the older stallion fumbled around with his spectacles before he was able to gain a good hold of them and place them on his face and straightened out his mustache, Coco couldn't restrain a slight giggle.

"Oh uh, hi there, young miss. I'm sorry I didn't see you standing there. What can I do ya for?" Coco nodded politely

"That's quite alright sir. I was just wondering if you knew how to get to the Carousel boutique," the stallion began to chuckle at the question.

"The Carousel boutique? It's a bit early to go dress shopping don't you think, young missy?" The ticket master said half serious half joking.

"Please sir, I'm here to see a friend, it's rather urgent," Coco replied, growing less patient as the icy wind continued to blow.

"Okay Okay, I hear you, youngin. Let me see I'm not one for dress shopping myself but if I remember correctly it's directly due south east of the train station clear through town. Ah here you go, missy." The older stallion said, sliding a map under his ticket window. "This will serve you better than my old brain, never was one for directions, giving or following, hehe, drives the misses crazy." The old ticket master began to ramble but he was soon cut off by Coco.

"Thank you sir, you've been very helpful and kind, oh and this is for the map," she said as she slid two bits under the ticket window.

"Oh why thank you, young miss," the kind old ticket master chuckled. Coco pulled a scarf from her bag and wrapped it tightly around her face to shield herself from the bitter early morning cold as she made her way through town.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Coco arrived at the front door of the Carousel boutique several minutes later. She knocked on the door and she could see light break from a window above her, she heard Rarity's voice, she seemed to be talking as she approached the door,

"Now who in the wide world of Equestria could it be at this hour?" the door swung open and Rarity was both pleasantly surprised and confused to see her guest, but all that gave way to concern when she saw the utterly distraught look on the young mare's face.

"Oh my, Coco Pommel? Whatever are you doing here I thought you were still living in Manehatten. Oh do come inside dear it is frightfully could out at this hour, get comfortable and I'll put some tea on the stove for you, you must be as cold as a snow pony," Rarity said ushering the younger mare inside.

"Oh thank you, Ms.Rarity, but the tea won't really be necessary, I don't want to be a bother I'm not that cold anyway." Coco tried to sound convincing but she was shaking so violently that it was even evident when she talked.

"Oh nonsense, it's not a bother at all, darling, really," Rarity replied as she trotted out of the kitchen. "So while we wait for the water to boil, why don't you tell me what brings you to Ponyville," Coco looked at Rarity's smile, it was warm, kind, sincere, and welcoming, there was something almost motherly about this mare. Her smile melted Coco's facade and the young mare once again broke down crying, as before Coco buried her face in her hooves in a vain attempt to the hide her tears and her breathing became an uncontrollable mess of sobbing. Rarity jumped out of her seat so quickly, she nearly knocked it over as she rushed to Coco's side to comfort her

"Coco ,sweetness, there there, it can't be that bad." Rarity said in a sweet motherly tone. Coco seemed to calm down a bit but she was still sobbing quite heavily.

"No, Ms.Rarity, it is," Coco managed to answer through heavy sobs "I'm ruined, my dreams are ruined."

"Oh hush dear surely it's not as bad as all that, tell me exactly what happened," Rarity said in her calm nurturing tone

"Yes it can...and it is....I've been banned from the fashion industry in Manehatten."

Author's Note:

http://aurek-skyclimber.deviantart.com/art/Map-of-Ponyville-Plain-v3-2-215925446?offset=10 map of Ponyville.

Comments

[Shadow_Wolf]

I like the premise of this fic, I really do, however, it is in some serious need of editing and tense work. Unfortunately, I'm on my phone at the moment which limits my ability to comment further, but I can provide some examples/advice later if you're interested.

Still going to favorite it so I can see where it goes.

[Cryosite]

I agree with Shadow_Wolf. There are quite a few glaring issues that you could fix with the help of an editor. Here is a great group to join. Follow their instructions to find an editor you can get to know and you'll be surprised at how helpful they can be.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

As Shadow-Wolf and Cryosite have pointed out this fic needs an editor, badly.

You have an intresting concept and premise, and it would be a shame to see it suffer because of grammar/puncutation issues.

[Vailen]

I like the idea of the story and come one Coco is just so cute how can one not make a fanfic of her. That being said, I have to agree with the other posters here. Some editing is needed here. Either then that, I don't have any complaints.

[Digiquill]

I do work with a proof reader.

[Shadow_Wolf]

3796861
It's not even so much proof-reading, it's editing in general and some tweaking here and there for flow (granted that's mostly subjective on my part and I realize that as I state in a lot of my blog posts), but again, the premise is good and I want to see where this goes.

Regardless of what goes on, I wish you the best of luck!