Before...
Fluttershy trotted along through Ponyville, wearing a delightfully wide smile today. She was ready, not only for the scheduled hang out with Twilight and Rainbow, but because she had something to show them. The unusual item sitting in her cottage was to be kept secret, until they got there. She didn't even plan on telling them about it until just before they were going in. The thought of what would happen displayed across her mind. What would her friends think, and how would she respond; why would they react the way they would, you know, the usual things.
Fluttershy was caught in somewhat of a daydream as she walked past the Library. She bumped into a mailbox, which broke her out of her deep dream, and allowed her to concentrate again. The mailbox belonged to the Cakes, but surprisingly, Pinkie was the one to exit the building in search of the noise.
The curious pink pony walked up to her friend with a smile, bouncing all the way and even when she stopped. "Heya Fluttershy, having some trouble!" Pinkie, as always, was in a delightful mood. Fluttershy giggled at her friends silliness and allowed herself to speak.
"Why, yes, thank you Pinkie." Fluttershy gave her friend a quick smile, "What are you doing at the Cakes' this early?"
Pinkie stopped hopping in place, but still smiled, "What'chya think silly, I'm watching the Cake Twins."
Fluttershy remembered now. "Oh yes, that's right. Well, sorry to interrupt, but I am getting Twilight and Rainbow Dash, so we can hang out today."
"Oh, well, Twilight's not at the Library right now anyway." Pinkie informed Fluttershy.
Fluttershy slightly tilted her head in confusion, "Do you know where she is?"
"Oh, yeah. Remember that spot that we watched Twilight and Rainbow Dash practice flying?" Pinkie gave Fluttershy no time to answer her obvious question. "Well they're there, practicing again."
"Oh, okay." Fluttershy trotted off into the direction where they were located, but turned around "Thanks Pinkie." She continued trotting in her new direction.
However, there was a letter on the ground, as if it popped out of nowhere. Fluttershy picked the letter up and it read: To Fluttershy. Curious, she opened it to see that it was a letter from Pinkie. She read it aloud. "No problem..." She turned to see if Pinkie was at the door to the Cake's house, but she vanished. Fluttershy shivered at Pinkies craziness, but kept on walking.
Sure enough, Pinkie's word was correct. Her two friends were indeed in the specified location, and they were practicing, but the air was filled with a sense of worry, which was something Fluttershy was good at sensing. She bucked up enough courage in her shy bones to confront the two on what the problem was.
"Hello Twilight, hello Rainbow Dash." Fluttershy took to the air, joining her friends who were also flying.
Twilight heard Fluttershy's faint voice and turned to see her coming up to join them. "Oh, hey Fluttershy."
Rainbow stopped doing tricks, acknowledging her Pegasus friend, "Sup Shy." She continued flying around, doing tricks for Twilight to see.
Fluttershy was puzzled. Surely her friends knew that she was there to let them know that they could come over. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were hanging out today." Twilight smiled back at her.
"Don't worry Fluttershy, we remembered."
"Yeah," Rainbow reassured, "we remembered."
"Oh good." Fluttershy mentally sighed to herself. "Well, I was just letting you guys know that you can come over now. If you want of course."
"That's great!" Twilight exclaimed. "However..."
"Oh no, did I do something?" Fluttershy worried.
"What? No, no your fine, it's just Rainbow needs to practice for the Wonderbolts training this weekend." Twilight explained. "We can still hang out though, don't worry."
"Oh that's good." Fluttershy sighed for real this time.
"Yeah sorry about that Flutts..." Rainbow stopped and held a hoof behind her head. "I wish I could have told you sooner, but it was dropped on me this morning."
"Was it Derpy again?" Fluttershy wondered.
"Yeah."
"Oh, it's okay." Fluttershy smiled, "She is such a sweetheart."
"Yeah, so if you guys want to hang out another time, that'd be great." Twilight nodded to Fluttershy's earlier comment, completely ignoring Rainbow.
"That'd be just wonderful!" Fluttershy exclaimed.
"Well, I wish I could chat for longer, but I gotta keep training." Rainbow turned to fly away, "See ya!" As she flew off, her signature rainbow streak was left behind her.
"Shall we go Twilight?"
"Sure Fluttershy." The two remaining friends flew towards the Everfree border, where Fluttershy's house was. The flying drastically reduced the amount of time needed to get there, and allowed Twilight to practice her still sketchy flying. As they landed at Fluttershy's mailbox, Fluttershy stopped her friend.
"Before we go in Twilight, I thought I might warn you about something." Twilight perked her ears up, and responded with a little 'hmm'. "On my walk in the forest today, I found a particularly old looking item, and I thought that you might find interest in it."
Twilight pushed herself a little faster towards the door. "Well, what is it?"
Fluttershy unlocked the door leaving it closed for a little longer. "I am not entirely sure, but it looks foreign and old." Fluttershy opened the door, allowing her curious friend inside.
Twilight entered, not knowing what to expect with that sort of information. Granted, it was Fluttershy. She was an animal pony, not a book worm. Fluttershy led her to the kitchen, where it was laying wrapped inside a blanket for safe keeping.
"Wow Fluttershy, you sure know how to keep a situation suspenseful." Twilight commented.
Not knowing whether or not to take that as a compliment, Fluttershy just unwrapped the item, or items...
The forest floor was damp, clear sign that it was morning. The two occupants of the clearing were rustling around, awaking themselves from their deep slumber. All animals in the vicinity were either too scared to come out of their homes, or were avoiding the new creatures entirely. They were as alien to the forest critters as some of the forest critters were alien to them. Well, that couldn't be determined until one of them woke up.
However, one brave little bunny got enough courage to bounce up to the two lumps on the ground, poking them with his little soft paw. When no response was given, the little bunny got a little upset, being ignored by new critters. So now, instead of poking, he put some potential energy into his leg, kicking one of them in the, a-hem, hindquarters. The creature didn't bode well to the fact that it was sleeping and it lifted it's head, giving a slight growl to the unwanted bunny.
The creature slumped its way up, but fell back down. The reason being unknown to either the bunny, who laughed, and the new animal, who got even angrier. Getting adjusted again, the unfamiliar animal got up, not failing to step towards the slowly retreating rabbit, who was regretting his earlier decision of coming into that part of the forest.
Fluttershy and Twilight walked along the path in the Everfree. As much as they didn't like going into the forest, Fluttershy knew that this part of the woods was generally 'normal'. With Fluttershy in the lead, Twilight finally decided to question what was going on.
"So, remind me again what is going on?" The lavender Alicorn asked.
Fluttershy tried to find the right words to explain the situation. "Well, when Angel is...bored at home, he likes to come out here. There are a few particular spots he likes better than others."
Twilight finally mad sense of the situation. "Oh, so we are going to his favorite spot of the Everfree then?"
Fluttershy nodded in confirmation, but remained silent. As the two mares continued on their path, they could hear some rustling in the distance, presumably Angel. The two kept regular pace and continued on their way. Before long, another noise emanated from the same direction. It sounded like a growl, but they were both unsure of what made the growl. The only two animals they know of are Timber Wolves, and dogs. It was unlikely that it was a dog, so the only other reasonable explanation hit both of them at the same time. With a quick look at each other, they nodded and galloped in the direction of the horrible sounds.
Correct from her earlier theory, Fluttershy heard Angel's squeals for help, and ran faster than Twilight, even using her wings for a little boost. Twilight tried to keep up, but Fluttershy was more concerned for her little friend than ever at this point. Twilight used her magic to bush a couple thick bushes out of their way, and what they saw perplexed them both, more than terrified.
Angel, who could see Fluttershy instantly changed course. With a quick pounce of his legs, he sprung right into Fluttershy's waiting hooves. Fluttershy embraced her little friend, but the threat was not over. The creature trying to catch Angel, was not fixated on Twilight and Fluttershy. Instead of attacking them, it stopped and stared at them with slight interest. Not know what it was they both were at a cautious state. Twilight moved in a little closer, slowing way down as to not disturb the newly found creature in front of her.
She inched her way towards it, but the creature wasn't ignorant, and growled at her steadiness to get closer. She backed off and looked to Fluttershy. Fluttershy gave Angel to Twilight. "Hold Angel, maybe I can talk to it."
Fluttershy inched her way towards the beast now, which gave the same result to her as it did Twilight. Angel and Twilight both watched in astonishment towards the usually timid pony. "Hey it's okay...I'm not going to hurt you." Fluttershy's kind words did nothing to stop the beast from growling at her. She noticed the chains on its forepaw. Perhaps... "Oh it's okay, I can get that chain off if you want." The beast did nothing but stare her down. If the beast were a threat, Twilight would have to hurt it, so there was one last trick up Fluttershy's metaphoric sleeve: The Stare.
Getting ready to perform her menacing gaze, she looked back to Twilight, who was still in shock at what was happening. After taking in a deep breath, she released it and opened her eyes in such a way, it made a cockatrice stop in its tracks. The beast stopped in confusion to what she was doing, but it resumed its agitating growl.
Now there was nothing stopping it from attacking them beside Twilight's magic, or simply running away, but the new discovery was too much to be left. However, behind the beast, the bushes rustled, revealing another similar beast. This one was smaller, and had different coloring to it. Now Fluttershy understood, it was protecting its partner. She backed off, now understanding the situation. The new beast however, didn't take such an aggressive notice to her, and simply walked up to her.
Twilight was a little skeptical on letting it get close to Fluttershy, but the courageous pony didn't really want to let a chance like this go. The beast sniffed Fluttershy, but gave an approving sensation to the scared pony. As if taunting it's partner, the beast next Fluttershy gave a curt little wink, unnoticed by either of the ponies. The first beast rolled its eyes and agreed to come over to its partner, sniffing Fluttershy, but sneezing from her mane getting in its nose.
Twilight tried to see if her friend was going to respond, but noticed that Fluttershy was in a deep state of shock, and glee. "A-hem, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy snapped out of her amazing time, and regained her original composure. "Oh, right, sorry." Fluttershy looked at both creatures before coming to a conclusion. "We should bring them to the cottage, and see if we can find out what they are."
Twilight nodded in agreement, "I don't agree that that would be the safest option, but seeing as how we discovered a, supposedly, new species, I agree." The two beasts didn't know what was going on, but the smaller, friendlier one of the two thought that sounded like a good idea. The second followed as if they were orders and soon they were all leaving together.
Angel on the other hand didn't agree at all, and only gave squeals of anger as Fluttershy and Twilight reluctantly led the two beasts towards the cottage.
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Ha First! And really good start for the story.
Im very interested in how this will play out
continue
Love it
You sir have caught my attention
Gotta work on contractions. "I am getting Twilight and Rainbow Dash, so we can hang out today." and "I am not entirely sure, but it looks foreign and old."
Replace the I am with I'm.
Oh, and you never described the "creatures" and the only way we know what they look like is the cover art.
I like ti, but take the advice for using more contractions. It dosn't sound very natural for most characters to be speaking without them.
ok, feedback. First of all, it has been terrible so far, and it only gets worse in the next two chapters. Second, I like the idea of wolf Midna, so I kept on reading to see where it would go
To start with the first chapter:
Why is Fluttershy keeping the items a secret? Swords and Shields are a common thing in Equestria, hell even Cutie marks show them. It makes no sense that she would keep it a secret, why not just tell Twilight "I found some very old looking weapons on the forest, I don't know who could have left them there". If Fluttershy is so scared the mere mention of a weapon would cause problems, then she would have grabbed them and flown right to Twilight.
Also, since I read chapter 3 I know she also has a shield with her, why does she keep thinking in singular when she knows there are two items?
Fluttershy's walk wasn't bad, it helped set some background. Except for the fact that Pinkie lives with the Cakes, it makes no sense Flutters ask why Pinkie is in the shop; Pinkie lives and works in the bakery unless you decided to change that.
I don't understand why Link is so antagonist. Link has been shown to be able to understand animals, so if Angel kept on insulting him and poking him, I can see him snapping at Angel, but that is not what happened. Link didn't attack the animals, not even those that were attacking him, while he was a wolf. It would take a lot of aggression to set off Link like that, at most I would expect him to snap at Angel and then ignore him, like he does in the game when Midna digs her heels on his sides.
Also, the forest critters aren't alien to Midna and Link, they are animals that exist in Hyrule too. You have to mention which animals were alien to them, and it doesn't make sense that you are pointing that out when Link and Midna aren't even aware that there are other animals to begin with.
Another thing, you don't bother to describe Midna and Link at all other than mentioning one is smaller and the other has a shackle. Do a token effort to mention "One had pale and greenish fur, with blue eyes and surprisingly enough, a blue earring on its triangular ear and a chain hanging off a shackle around its left forepaw" and for Midna you can simply say that "unlike its partner, the smaller animal had dark fur with a red/orange mane".
Hell, just describe that they are quadrupeds, with long muzzles, long triangular ears and bushy tails that reminded the girls of Timberwolves made out of flesh and fur rather than wood and leaves.
You need to have Fluttershy reacting immediately to Link, otherwise it doesn't make sense that Twilight would do nothing against an obvious predator that is advancing towards them with an obvious aggressive intent. We have seen Fluttershy rush towards a predator before after all. It doesn't make sense either that Link growls at Flutters or Twilight, he wants Angel for some reason, unless you decided to make Link a mindless beast here rather than the Hero in a wolf's body, Link would focus on Angel, not threaten the girls.
Also, just how big are Link and Midna compared to the ponies? the actual 3d models have Wolf Link big enough that standing on four legs he reaches his chest's height in Human form, most ponies are smaller than that
Pointing out that Midna teased Link doesn't make sense because the narration had been following the ponies at that point. If you are going to change points of view then mark them. If you are going to change for just a sentence then it doesn't make sense to point it out. Just write that the smaller animal looked at its partner and the green animal rolled its eyes
At that point Twilight and Fluttershy should have realized Link was intelligent. That is a conscious gesture, not something a wild beast would do.
Also what shocked Fluttershy so much? You say that she was in a deep state of shock and glee, but why?
Bringing them to Flutters' cabin makes sense, but only until they have make it obvious for Midna and Link. We know Midna and Link can understand them, but Fluttershy and Twilight have no idea of that fact, they should be treating them like animals that need herding towards the cabin.
Twilight mentions that they "discovered a, supposedly, new species"… how did they come to that conclusion? At no point you ever mentioned that Link and Midna are animals that the ponies had never seen. Also, if they have never seen anything like them, then it is not supposedly, it IS a fact.
Finally, Twilight and Flutters never tell the wolves that they wanted them to go to Fluttershy's cabin. It can be fixed simply by having Fluttershy asking them if they want could please follow them, but you also need to clarify that she couldn't understand Link before. Fluttershy has been shown to know what wild animals are saying, but with Link she was clueless. There should be hesitation on her side or at least Twi and Flutters wondering how they could get the animals to accompany them.
Oh yeah, you also jump between past and present tense later on, so keep that in mind. Stick to a single tense.
PLEASE, for the love of god, keep it in the same tense.
I dunno... I like the idea, but it all feels forced and moves by far too quickly for my tastes. Flutters seems a tad ooc, but I can wave that off. I find it raher hard to immerse myself into this story. I don't have that sense of suspense that I really enjoy in a story. I found myself easily guessing correctly what was going to happen, paragraphs before it did.
My advice? Try to work on your pacing. You had a great opportunity to explore the Everfree Forest by using a single paragraph(At least 5 scentences) to describe the forest, maybe a second mixed in there to describe the ways Ponies are afraid of said place. This has so much potential, but sadly, it just feels like a fan fic.
I KNOW I KNOW! IT IS A FAN FIC! But even a fan fic can be a good story. There are quite a few fan fics that feel more like standalone stories to me. They make me think, they make me mad, they make me laugh, and they make me cry... But as soon as I started reading this, I became bored and simply skimmed through it and still got the maximum impact. Which, sadly, was weak. I am not the kind of person who likes telling off people or saying something is bad, but this just really felt.... bland... Like eating cold mac and cheese.
Hmmmm interesting following now.
3858048 Agreed. You need to describe things and think before you write. Going with the flow is good, but you need to go back and revise things afterwards. Most writers spend 80% of their time thinking and studying, while only 20% percent is actually writing. All you need to do is think about what you're writing and you'll be golden.