The death of a hero is always tragic. They never get to know if their sacrifice, if their life, was worth it. Must be a damn shame to die and not know if what you did made a difference...
Fluttershy and Twilight go in the forest to search for Angel when he disappears. Trying to get back to the cottage as fast as possible, the two find Angel, and two other strange creatures. Perhaps these strange creatures are tied to the item that Fluttershy found in the forest on her morning routine, or maybe just a new species awaiting to be cataloged.
Zelda crossover. Both titles belong to their respective owners.
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Ha First! And really good start for the story.
I can only assume that the female wolf is Midna? I like it so far keep up the good work.
Im very interested in how this will play out
continue
This is actually quite good keep it up
I hope that they notice the sword was made with holy magic and that the wielder would have to be pure of heart to use it.
I think you mean the cottage, and not the college (in the description).
Nevertheless, good read
This is interesting, just needs a few edits and an another pair of eyes to give it the once over and you're good to go!
Luv it, please keep going
Great story I like it
I found a small mistake:
She held the item in her hand.
I think you meant hoof
3850836
Thank you, I will get right on it.
3848262
Fixed! (after I write this of course.)
3846596
Thank you!
Plz don't stop its interesting.
Male = Zelda?
Female = Midna?
Object = Master Sword?
Love it
All I can say to this is 4 words:
ALL OF MY YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you must write more or I will hunt you down . . .
3851402 I pretty sure the male is link. Why Zelda?
3851402
the male is Link.
the female is MIDNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just has to be.
Midna is the best
She's so pretty
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/286/b/b/zelda___midna_and_wolf_link_by_genzoman-d30niyq.jpg
3851488
she is somewhat pretty. But Link makes her look awesome
3851588 yes.
3851458
Thinking of Link, But says the name of the Game instead.
Almost like Pinkie Pie!
3851609 lol
Can't wait for the next chapter
This suspense is slowly rotting my brains out
I like this its really good
This story is great x10^777
That enough feed back?
You sir have caught my attention
well i gotta say my good sir
..........
YOU GOT MY ATTENTION!!!!
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/42040110.jpg
Please, I beg of you, continue.
This is a wonderful story.
Another good chapter, and assuming this take place after the events of twilight princess i can understand why that wolf is so aggressive.
And again i found a slight mistake :
She was watching, making sure the male was staying out of two much trouble.
I am pretty sure that this is not the right word.
I LOVE THIS STORY!!
It helps that I'm a huge fan of Twilight Princess, and I LOVE how this is panning out so far, CAN"T WAIT for the rest!
Some action Nice. I liked this chapter keep it up.
YA GOT TO CONTINUE! IT IS SO AWESOME!
KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! THIS CHAPTER ALONE MAKES IT 20% MORE AWESOME
she could almost conclude that the other creature was female. Speaking of witch, where was the other one?
witch?
anyway good story will fav
Honestly, I don't see why people are saying this story is great, any potential it has is destroyed by horrible writing, (measly ten minutes, not meekly). Besides having bad flow, the characters aren't very well written. Link is overly aggressive and paranoid, him attacking in this chapter felt more like the author being lazy and wanting to put action in the chapter. Then there is Rainbow Dash using "cur", which is completely out of character for her, not to mention "Flutts" is easily the worst nickname for Fluttershy I have ever heard (just go with "Shy" like everyone else, it's better).
There are plenty of other potential problems I see on the horizon in plot alone, but I'll wait for them to arise before bringing them to light.
Sorry if I seem overly harsh, but I'd rather tell authors the truth about their work and I, as a result, am really annoyed with people saying stuff like, "THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!!!" when it is, in fact, far from it.
You do need to work on this. The flow is off and the characters are...well...not in character. The fight was, in all honesty, pretty bad. I thought that the female wolf pushed the male wolf off of Rainbow before he was struck with the spell.
You need to be more clear with that way you word the story. Go back and re-read this at least three times before posting. Heck, try even reading out loud to yourself, is what I do and you will not believe how many mistakes you can find doing that.
Anyway, keep up the nice work. This is something new to me and I shall watch.
Don't try to do better, just continue it
YUS!!!!!!!!! MIDNA IS GONNA FREAKING MAKE THE PONIES FAINT!
I demand moar. Make it happen.
It still has potential. Just needs a little TLC, that's all. Maybe a proofreader, or someone to use as a backboard for bouncing ideas.
3855035
and stick around to see what I make out of it.
I do appreciate the honesty!
Without honesty, there would be no reason for me to keep writing.
I must say, I did think that there would be problems, but until pointed out, I don't really realize it. I know I am not the best writer around, but the reasons for why things happen, are because of the story. It may seem that, with all the problems right now, the story won't do good. I disagree. I think that my story writing is something that is foreign. (or at least from what I've seen) Again back to the main point, thank you. To be honest, when I started reading your comment, I thought you were some prick who was trying to make themselves feel better. The comment itself was needed, but you should have toned it down a bit. Saying, "this story isn't great" was a little harsh. To some people, it is great. I think I should be include in the people who say it needs work. Thanks,
It an entertaining story so far but i feel something off
I'm thoroughly enjoying this the only thing is RD using the word cur I believe it would make more sense her calling him a dumb dog or overgrown furball but that's just me. other then that and some other I fell minor things not worth mentioning cause I already forgotten them please continue and also curious if you are going to continue the Legion story at any point?
Gotta work on contractions. "I am getting Twilight and Rainbow Dash, so we can hang out today." and "I am not entirely sure, but it looks foreign and old."
Replace the I am with I'm.
Oh, and you never described the "creatures" and the only way we know what they look like is the cover art.
I like ti, but take the advice for using more contractions. It dosn't sound very natural for most characters to be speaking without them.
You may consider writing in past tense. The above sounds kind of awkward.
Even though she couldn't find anything on the beasts, Twilight continued to scroll through them again and again, hoping a sign would come up. She did note that the beast from the original encounter had calmed down considerably, but they still looked tense around them whenever they moved too close. Still, something about them made Twilight edgy.
Writing in present tense like you were is technically okay for the most part, but past tense may be easier to write and tends to flow more smoothly. It's up to you though.
Whatever tense you choose just make it consistent.
3857370 Yes have her call him a dumb animal or stupid dog. Rainbow Dash would never say cur, Luna might, but not Rainbow.
ok, feedback. First of all, it has been terrible so far, and it only gets worse in the next two chapters. Second, I like the idea of wolf Midna, so I kept on reading to see where it would go
To start with the first chapter:
Why is Fluttershy keeping the items a secret? Swords and Shields are a common thing in Equestria, hell even Cutie marks show them. It makes no sense that she would keep it a secret, why not just tell Twilight "I found some very old looking weapons on the forest, I don't know who could have left them there". If Fluttershy is so scared the mere mention of a weapon would cause problems, then she would have grabbed them and flown right to Twilight.
Also, since I read chapter 3 I know she also has a shield with her, why does she keep thinking in singular when she knows there are two items?
Fluttershy's walk wasn't bad, it helped set some background. Except for the fact that Pinkie lives with the Cakes, it makes no sense Flutters ask why Pinkie is in the shop; Pinkie lives and works in the bakery unless you decided to change that.
I don't understand why Link is so antagonist. Link has been shown to be able to understand animals, so if Angel kept on insulting him and poking him, I can see him snapping at Angel, but that is not what happened. Link didn't attack the animals, not even those that were attacking him, while he was a wolf. It would take a lot of aggression to set off Link like that, at most I would expect him to snap at Angel and then ignore him, like he does in the game when Midna digs her heels on his sides.
Also, the forest critters aren't alien to Midna and Link, they are animals that exist in Hyrule too. You have to mention which animals were alien to them, and it doesn't make sense that you are pointing that out when Link and Midna aren't even aware that there are other animals to begin with.
Another thing, you don't bother to describe Midna and Link at all other than mentioning one is smaller and the other has a shackle. Do a token effort to mention "One had pale and greenish fur, with blue eyes and surprisingly enough, a blue earring on its triangular ear and a chain hanging off a shackle around its left forepaw" and for Midna you can simply say that "unlike its partner, the smaller animal had dark fur with a red/orange mane".
Hell, just describe that they are quadrupeds, with long muzzles, long triangular ears and bushy tails that reminded the girls of Timberwolves made out of flesh and fur rather than wood and leaves.
You need to have Fluttershy reacting immediately to Link, otherwise it doesn't make sense that Twilight would do nothing against an obvious predator that is advancing towards them with an obvious aggressive intent. We have seen Fluttershy rush towards a predator before after all. It doesn't make sense either that Link growls at Flutters or Twilight, he wants Angel for some reason, unless you decided to make Link a mindless beast here rather than the Hero in a wolf's body, Link would focus on Angel, not threaten the girls.
Also, just how big are Link and Midna compared to the ponies? the actual 3d models have Wolf Link big enough that standing on four legs he reaches his chest's height in Human form, most ponies are smaller than that
Pointing out that Midna teased Link doesn't make sense because the narration had been following the ponies at that point. If you are going to change points of view then mark them. If you are going to change for just a sentence then it doesn't make sense to point it out. Just write that the smaller animal looked at its partner and the green animal rolled its eyes
At that point Twilight and Fluttershy should have realized Link was intelligent. That is a conscious gesture, not something a wild beast would do.
Also what shocked Fluttershy so much? You say that she was in a deep state of shock and glee, but why?
Bringing them to Flutters' cabin makes sense, but only until they have make it obvious for Midna and Link. We know Midna and Link can understand them, but Fluttershy and Twilight have no idea of that fact, they should be treating them like animals that need herding towards the cabin.
Twilight mentions that they "discovered a, supposedly, new species"… how did they come to that conclusion? At no point you ever mentioned that Link and Midna are animals that the ponies had never seen. Also, if they have never seen anything like them, then it is not supposedly, it IS a fact.
Finally, Twilight and Flutters never tell the wolves that they wanted them to go to Fluttershy's cabin. It can be fixed simply by having Fluttershy asking them if they want could please follow them, but you also need to clarify that she couldn't understand Link before. Fluttershy has been shown to know what wild animals are saying, but with Link she was clueless. There should be hesitation on her side or at least Twi and Flutters wondering how they could get the animals to accompany them.
Oh yeah, you also jump between past and present tense later on, so keep that in mind. Stick to a single tense.
It surprises me Rainbow even knows the definition of the work cur.
Why did he attack Rainbow Dash? First he notices the sword, then he barks really loud, then Rainbow Dash flies in, then he just starts fighting her for no reason. Did he think she was a monster or something? I thought he would have been happy to see his sword and shield again.
3859208 It may have been because the sword reminded him of a painful memory and just by reaction to that fear to protect himself he ended up attacking Rainbow Dash. Well that's what I think.