My Little Sister: Dating is Forbidden!

by kekmaster9001

Lately, My Little Sister Has Been Looking For A Very Special Somepony!

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a lavender pony named Twilight Sparkle was confoundingly single, despite all her efforts to amend that fact. Was it her intelligence? Stallions were intimidated by mares smarter than themselves. It might’ve been, weren’t it for the fact that she took extra care to speak as plainly as possible, giggling vapidly at their silly jokes. Or maybe, it was for that exact reason that none of her dates called her back? She was a relatively well-known character in Ponyville. Perhaps her intellectual image in the minds of her dates had been assumed as a fact, and completely shattered by her juvenile behavior? Twilight Sparkle sighed, and rolled over in her bed. She had read Hooves V’s “Bang Ponyville,” but it was just too much for her to comprehend, she thought. Stallions liked alpha mares? What was an alpha mare in the first place? She was feeling more and more frustrated by the minute.

Naturally, the truth of the matter was… slightly less innocuous than her guesses. Now, to better explain this fact, let’s jump back in time, to this morning. Twilight Sparkle had just left her library, trotting along merrily to meet Braeburn on a date. Applejack had pulled all the strings she had to arrange the meeting, even going as far as to threaten her cousin’s extensive apple tree pinup collection with incineration to get him to make the trip to Ponyville. She had been unnaturally eager to offer her services, though Twilight supposed that that was just how friends were supposed to be, singles’ solidarity and whatnot. However, that’s another story altogether.

“Hello,” Twilight said cheerily as she caught sight of Braeburn.

“Howdy,” he replied casually.

“So,” she said confidently, “nice horseshoes. Wanna buck?”

“E-e-excuse me?” Braeburn spat, eyes widening in surprise. Such a… forward mare!

“Bucking,” Twilight said again, kicking her legs into the air. “You know, bucking?”

“Ah,” Braeburn said, looking simultaneously relieved and let-down.

***

After several hours of vigorous bucking, Braeburn exited Sweet Apple Acres, feeling more and more suspicious. Did he just get taken advantage of? It seemed as though his so-called ‘date’ was closer to free labour for Applejack than an actual date. Regardless, he enjoyed Twilight’s company, and he looked forward to meeting her again.

Prancing along the main street of Ponyville giddily, Braeburn was suddenly pulled into a dark alleyway by a pair of imposing cloaked stallions. A third, marginally less-terrifying figure greeted him, and began speaking. “So, I hear you want to get close to Twilight Sparkle.”

“H-huh?”

“Twilight Sparkle, motherbucker. Do you know her?”

“H-h-huh?”

“Say ‘huh’ again. Say ‘huh’ again, motherbucker,” Braeburn’s kidnapper screamed hysterically, spraying a solid stream of spittle forward and onto the cowpony’s signature hat.

“H-h-huh?”

“Yes or no question, Braeburn,” the mysterious figure shrieked, voice going hoarse.

“H-how do you know my name?”

“Let’s just say that I have… connections,” the cloaked figure replied mysteriously.

“W-what? I-in the f-f-first p-place, w-what’s with this ch-character change all of a s-sudden?”

“It doesn’t matter,” his kidnapper replied. “All that does matter is this,” he said as he procured a photo from some unseen fold within his cloak.

Sticking it in front of Braeburn’s face, it depicted what looked to be ten or twenty ponies the size of Roid Rage, glaring menacingly into the camera. They were all wearing prison uniforms.

“Now, I want to warn you now before it’s too late,” the figure continued, “that getting close to Twilight will be… problematic. I have connections in high places, and I wouldn’t mind sending you to spend some time with these lovely individuals in this photograph. Now, what do you say about giving up on Twilight Sparkle?”

“S-sure t-thing, b-b-boss!” Braeburn exclaimed.

The two burly enforcers holding him down suddenly let go, and the cowpony hobbled away, shaken.

***

“Hey, Shining Armour,” one of the two burly ponies who had grabbed Braeburn began, “are you sure about this?”

“Mm?”

“I mean, isn’t this an abuse of government resources?”

“Don’t worry about it, Flash Sentry. What Celestia doesn’t know can’t hurt her,” he said, removing his cloak. “I’ve always wanted to try imitate that scene from Pulp Ponies anyways.”

“Oh,” he added as he gestured for his co-kidnappers to follow him, “I forgot to mention. If either of you say a word of this to anybody, I’ll have you transferred into Celestia’s personal harem.”

***

“Welcome home, honey!” Princess Cadance exclaimed, embracing Shining Armour as he entered the vast foyer of their home in the castle at the centre of the Crystal Empire. “Would you like a bath? Dinner? Or perhaps,” she said as she moved her mouth close to his ear, and whispered, “me?”

Shining Armour pushed his doting wife off of him, and stared at her as if he were regarding a piece of trash or some other insignificant object. “Stop,” he said coldly. “I’m not interested in two-dimensional pig disgusting used goods whores like you. Either become a little sister, or learn walk on two legs like a human.”

Cadance shrieked with pleasure. Yes, she was one of them. A masochist, to put it plainly. “Honey, abuse me more,” she cried out while tailing her husband eager for more verbal abuse. Introducing him to My Little Human had been the best decision of her life. Now, with Shining Armour a fervent humy, as the fans of that show affectionately referred to themselves, his disparaging comments had become several orders of magnitude harsher.

***

Celestia watched in her crystal ball as Shining Armour ran frantically, trying to escape his rabid wife. She giggled to herself. Arranging the marriage was the best decision of her life. With both Shining Armour, a notorious pervert obsessed with his own little sister, as well as Cadance, the closest thing that little Twilight Sparkle had to a friend during her childhood, eliminated from the list of competitors in one fell swoop, Celestia now had next-to-no rivals to compete for Twilight’s affection with. Well, if her suspicions were correct, the rainbow-coloured one proved problematic as well.

“Tia?”

Celestia turned, and faced her little sister, Luna. “Hello, sister. Is it time already?”

“Tia, I told you not to use that thing while ponies are still awake. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

“Don’t worry about it, Luna,” Celestia said while giggling darkly. “I sent that whistleblowing fool to the moon, anyhow. What was his name again? Something Ponyden, or whatever.”

“Besides,” Celestia added as she trotted out of her room in order to raise the sun, “I could always just erase everybody’s memories. It’d be no fun doing it that way, though.”

She pouted innocently. Yes, she was one of the other them. A sadist, to put it plainly.

Comments

[Pizzema Forte]

This I pretty interesting so far. I'm looking forward to future chapters. Also, I love crack shippings! This is very well written on top of everything else. keep it up!

[Error_404_Not_Found]

I want to see more of this. It gives me joy.