Shining Armour: husband, captain of the guard, older brother, pervert, and siscon of titanic proportions.
Twilight Sparkle is a big mare now. At least, that's how she sees herself. To Shining Armour, she's still his eternally adorable little sister, who he has a less-than-healthy fixation upon. Combined with a nasty little sister eroge habit, a masochistic wife, a sadistic employer, and a little sister on the verge of being stolen away some other stallion, his decision-making capacity might not be at peak levels. Follow Twilight's adventures in the confusing world of dating, as her creepypossessivecomplete bucking batshit over-protective older brother tries to keep her single at all costs.
Lately, My Little Sister Has Been Looking For A Very Special Somepony!
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a lavender pony named Twilight Sparkle was confoundingly single, despite all her efforts to amend that fact. Was it her intelligence? Stallions were intimidated by mares smarter than themselves. It might’ve been, weren’t it for the fact that she took extra care to speak as plainly as possible, giggling vapidly at their silly jokes. Or maybe, it was for that exact reason that none of her dates called her back? She was a relatively well-known character in Ponyville. Perhaps her intellectual image in the minds of her dates had been assumed as a fact, and completely shattered by her juvenile behavior? Twilight Sparkle sighed, and rolled over in her bed. She had read Hooves V’s “Bang Ponyville,” but it was just too much for her to comprehend, she thought. Stallions liked alpha mares? What was an alpha mare in the first place? She was feeling more and more frustrated by the minute.
Naturally, the truth of the matter was… slightly less innocuous than her guesses. Now, to better explain this fact, let’s jump back in time, to this morning. Twilight Sparkle had just left her library, trotting along merrily to meet Braeburn on a date. Applejack had pulled all the strings she had to arrange the meeting, even going as far as to threaten her cousin’s extensive apple tree pinup collection with incineration to get him to make the trip to Ponyville. She had been unnaturally eager to offer her services, though Twilight supposed that that was just how friends were supposed to be, singles’ solidarity and whatnot. However, that’s another story altogether.
“Hello,” Twilight said cheerily as she caught sight of Braeburn.
“Howdy,” he replied casually.
“So,” she said confidently, “nice horseshoes. Wanna buck?”
“E-e-excuse me?” Braeburn spat, eyes widening in surprise. Such a… forward mare!
“Bucking,” Twilight said again, kicking her legs into the air. “You know, bucking?”
“Ah,” Braeburn said, looking simultaneously relieved and let-down.
***
After several hours of vigorous bucking, Braeburn exited Sweet Apple Acres, feeling more and more suspicious. Did he just get taken advantage of? It seemed as though his so-called ‘date’ was closer to free labour for Applejack than an actual date. Regardless, he enjoyed Twilight’s company, and he looked forward to meeting her again.
Prancing along the main street of Ponyville giddily, Braeburn was suddenly pulled into a dark alleyway by a pair of imposing cloaked stallions. A third, marginally less-terrifying figure greeted him, and began speaking. “So, I hear you want to get close to Twilight Sparkle.”
“H-huh?”
“Twilight Sparkle, motherbucker. Do you know her?”
“H-h-huh?”
“Say ‘huh’ again. Say ‘huh’ again, motherbucker,” Braeburn’s kidnapper screamed hysterically, spraying a solid stream of spittle forward and onto the cowpony’s signature hat.
“H-h-huh?”
“Yes or no question, Braeburn,” the mysterious figure shrieked, voice going hoarse.
“H-how do you know my name?”
“Let’s just say that I have… connections,” the cloaked figure replied mysteriously.
“W-what? I-in the f-f-first p-place, w-what’s with this ch-character change all of a s-sudden?”
“It doesn’t matter,” his kidnapper replied. “All that does matter is this,” he said as he procured a photo from some unseen fold within his cloak.
Sticking it in front of Braeburn’s face, it depicted what looked to be ten or twenty ponies the size of Roid Rage, glaring menacingly into the camera. They were all wearing prison uniforms.
“Now, I want to warn you now before it’s too late,” the figure continued, “that getting close to Twilight will be… problematic. I have connections in high places, and I wouldn’t mind sending you to spend some time with these lovely individuals in this photograph. Now, what do you say about giving up on Twilight Sparkle?”
“S-sure t-thing, b-b-boss!” Braeburn exclaimed.
The two burly enforcers holding him down suddenly let go, and the cowpony hobbled away, shaken.
***
“Hey, Shining Armour,” one of the two burly ponies who had grabbed Braeburn began, “are you sure about this?”
“Mm?”
“I mean, isn’t this an abuse of government resources?”
“Don’t worry about it, Flash Sentry. What Celestia doesn’t know can’t hurt her,” he said, removing his cloak. “I’ve always wanted to try imitate that scene from Pulp Ponies anyways.”
“Oh,” he added as he gestured for his co-kidnappers to follow him, “I forgot to mention. If either of you say a word of this to anybody, I’ll have you transferred into Celestia’s personal harem.”
***
“Welcome home, honey!” Princess Cadance exclaimed, embracing Shining Armour as he entered the vast foyer of their home in the castle at the centre of the Crystal Empire. “Would you like a bath? Dinner? Or perhaps,” she said as she moved her mouth close to his ear, and whispered, “me?”
Shining Armour pushed his doting wife off of him, and stared at her as if he were regarding a piece of trash or some other insignificant object. “Stop,” he said coldly. “I’m not interested in two-dimensional pig disgusting used goods whores like you. Either become a little sister, or learn walk on two legs like a human.”
Cadance shrieked with pleasure. Yes, she was one of them. A masochist, to put it plainly. “Honey, abuse me more,” she cried out while tailing her husband eager for more verbal abuse. Introducing him to My Little Human had been the best decision of her life. Now, with Shining Armour a fervent humy, as the fans of that show affectionately referred to themselves, his disparaging comments had become several orders of magnitude harsher.
***
Celestia watched in her crystal ball as Shining Armour ran frantically, trying to escape his rabid wife. She giggled to herself. Arranging the marriage was the best decision of her life. With both Shining Armour, a notorious pervert obsessed with his own little sister, as well as Cadance, the closest thing that little Twilight Sparkle had to a friend during her childhood, eliminated from the list of competitors in one fell swoop, Celestia now had next-to-no rivals to compete for Twilight’s affection with. Well, if her suspicions were correct, the rainbow-coloured one proved problematic as well.
“Tia?”
Celestia turned, and faced her little sister, Luna. “Hello, sister. Is it time already?”
“Tia, I told you not to use that thing while ponies are still awake. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”
“Don’t worry about it, Luna,” Celestia said while giggling darkly. “I sent that whistleblowing fool to the moon, anyhow. What was his name again? Something Ponyden, or whatever.”
“Besides,” Celestia added as she trotted out of her room in order to raise the sun, “I could always just erase everybody’s memories. It’d be no fun doing it that way, though.”
She pouted innocently. Yes, she was one of the other them. A sadist, to put it plainly.
Shining Armour wiped one singular tear from his eye. He had just spent the past eight hours clearing the game ~With Little Sister: Manehattan Chronicles~. Outside, Cadance was still banging wildly on the locked door, shrieking in pleasure.
“Yes! Don’t stop ignoring me, baby! I love it when you treat me like trash!”
“Shut up!” Shining Armour’s voice boomed. “You’re ruining the mood! Celestia’s flank, this is why I hate real mares…”
A passing castle servant saw the horrifying exchange in it’s full splendour as she passed by. She quickly scuttled away, muttering to herself in a subdued voice, “see nothing, hear nothing. See nothing, hear nothing. See nothing, hear nothing…”
Too late. Detecting the servant’s presence, Cadance’s attention immediately shifted from the door, and onto the traumatized maid. “Servant! I beseech you to abuse Us!”
Sensing a respite from his wife’s continued assaults, Shining Armour took the opportunity to sneak out of his room. Exiting the castle, he shuddered to think of all the resigned domestic workers who had fallen prey to Cadance’s assaults. He headed toward the train station quietly, and hopped on the first Canterlot-bound express he could find. He had a meeting to attend.
***
“Is everybody gathered?”
“I’m here.”
“.... Eeyup.”
"Good afternoon. It's been too long!"
"Howdy."
The lights flickered on, illuminating a cluttered room. The decor was… tasteless, to put it tamely. Plastered on the walls were hundreds upon hundreds of pastel-hued game posters, titles ranging from Little Sister’s First Time!, and Sister Paradise Assault: Doki Doki Adventure! to My Little Human: Little Sister Maker ~Enhanced Edition~, and Little Sister Academy ~Humanized. A floor-to-ceiling cabinet jam-packed with figurines both human and pony-shaped (naturally, all little sisters, and even more naturally, all in compromising poses) covered one of the four walls. Around a dingy little table sat five ponies, who all looked like probable sex offenders. On one side sat a hulking red earth pony stallion who was wearing an overturned bucket and a white unicorn bundled in what looked to be fifty pounds worth of blankets. On the other side were three slightly-less suspect ponies: an orange earth pony mare in a fierce-looking fox fursuit, a white unicorn mare in an elaborate headdress, and a blue pegasus mare in a ski mask.
“Well then, brothers and sisters,” the bundle of blankets began, “I’m Flamingcrotchtits, as you already know. Welcome to the four hundred-fiftieth meeting of Siscons Anonymous. Today on the agenda, little sisters and nothing but!”
“Daringdofanpony reporting in,” the ski-mask wearing pegasus chimed in.
“I’m Jackapple,” the orange earth pony replied.
“Pearl Necklace here,” the white unicorn in the headdress said.
“Fillylicker,” the massive red earth pony quietly noted.
“Hmm… Looks like it’s the same crowd as last time,” Flamingcrotchtits mused. “So, I guess I’ll start. I finished ManeChron a while ago. Clumsy little sisters really are the best. Honestly, I wish my little sister were clumsier.”
“Oh, you really have no clue, darling,” Pearl Necklace replied in a musical voice. “Clumsy little sisters get ever so irritating when they’re flesh-and-blood. I’m more of a responsible little sister type.”
“Well that’s just like having an older sister, ya filthy casual!” Jackapple exclaimed in rage.
“Jackapple has a valid point,” Flamingcrotchtits said thoughtfully. “If a little sister acts like an older sister character, doesn’t it cancel out their little sister appeal? Besides, we established a long time ago that flesh-and-blood versions of anything are simply poor imitations of the three-dimensional, so your point about real little sisters is moot.”
“Well, it’s awfully hard not to mention the real when we have these offline meetings, is it not?” Pearl Necklace asked.
“It can’t be helped,” Jackapple replied. “If Fillylicker over here hadn’t dumped half his collection of moonbait onto every single Little Sisters General thread that got started on 4pony we wouldn’t have been banned. I’m no fan of this either, since it gets in the way of bucking apple- er, I mean, picking pears, but it’s better than nothing.”
“Hey guys,” Daringdofanpony said quietly, “what’re your thoughts on…?” Her voice dropped off sharply, as she mumbled a few barely audible words.
Jackapple was first to break the silence which followed. “Say again, sugarcube? I think I misheard something.”
“What’re your thoughts on… You know what, forget it. Nevermind. It was a stupid question.”
Jackapple pressed on. “C’mon, sugarcube. We can’t help ya if you don’t speak!”
“Alright,” Daringdofanpony said, gathering up her courage. “What’re you guys’ thoughts on non-blood related little sisters?”
“Out. Now,” Flamingcrotchtits said as he pointed his hoof at the door. “I knew something was off about you the moment you walked in. To think that you’d even imagine non-blood related little sisters. Blasphemy! The primary appeal of the little sister character is connection by blood! Without it, no childhood memories are present to blossom into full-fledged forbidden love! What is a little sister, if one has no fond recollections of being woken up in the morning, helping her with homework, or taking a bath with her? Nothing! So out, I say, and return when you’ve realized the error of your ways!”
“Now darling, don’t you think that’s a tad bit harsh? Aren’t stepsisters acceptable?” Pearl Necklace tried to reason, as she looked nervously at Flamingcrotchtits, who had risen from the table and was now pacing about manically.
“Nonsense! Stepsiblings might as well be dirty socks! Only true siblings can ever know the fruits of overcoming society’s barriers to their forbidden love! Where is the challenge, the sheer triumph of pure love over the mere trifles of law and common decency with love between step-siblings? Absent! Where has it gone? Why, I will tell you the truth. It was never there! Little sisters and blood relation, these are inseparable. Now, allow her to retire from this meeting, and contemplate upon those words.”
Exiting the club room, which was situated at the back of a particularly dingy alleyway of Canterlot, Rainbow Dash removed her ski mask, and wondered to herself as she trotted along remembering Flamingcrotchtits’ words of wisdom. Perhaps she could forge papers to make Scootaloo her blood relative? A mare could dream.
“Well, I think this concludes our meeting for the week. I’m looking forward to chatting with you guys again next week. Fillylicker, stay back for a while before you leave. I need to speak with you. In private,” Flamingcrotchtits said cordially.
Fillylicker stood uneasily, and waited as the rest of the group vacated the alleyway individually, taking care not to be seen by any of the other members, or to be noticed by the general public. What did their leader want with him? Was it the moonbait? It was definitely the moonbait.
“Relax,” Flamingcrotchtits said, putting a hoof around Fillylicker’s broad shoulders. “I’m not gonna do anything with this moonbait collection you’ve got stashed around the clubhouse.”
Fillylicker’s eyes widened with surprise. Because of the bucket he was wearing, Flamingcrotchtits couldn’t quite gauge his reaction completely. However, he decided that it was worth pressing on.
“I’m not gonna do anything with it… yet. Say, Big Macintosh, how about you help me with a little something?”
Fillylicker’s thoughts were racing now. How could Flamingcrotchtits know about his true identity? In the first place, how did he know about the moonbait? Well, that was unimportant. At least he didn’t know about the pictures. Yes, the pictures. Those amazing, beautiful risque shots of the fine fillies and foals who attended Ponyville’s single-roomed schoolhouse.
“Oh,” Flamingcrotchtits continued, seemingly reading his mind, “and those pictures too. It’d be a shame if the Royal Guard were to find out about them. Wouldn’t it, Big Mac?”
“E-e-eyup,” Fillylicker managed to stammer out.
“So, about those pictures. I can keep quiet, but for a price. You listening?”
“Eeyup.”
***
My dearest, most faithful student Twilight,
How has it been going in Ponyville? I’ve managed to find a bit of space before the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration this year. Seeing as it will be the only time this year that I’ll be free, I would love to meet and discuss the newest area of study on hoof. Love! Yes, my loyal student, we will study the magic of love together-
Celestia paused, and frowned at the parchment she was writing on. It sounded more and more suggestive as she read the letter over again. Ah well. She was inviting herself over in hopes of starting something more than friendship with her student, anyhow. She giggled to herself maniacally, imagining Twilight running around frantically in preparation for her visit. Yes, the way she ran herself ragged for Celestia’s sake, to put it tamely, turned her on.
***
“Are the preparations ready?”
“Eeeyup.”
“Alright. Operation Molestia is a go!”
***
“Bad news, Twilight!” Spike burst in, interrupting a tea party well under way between Celestia and her student, who were engrossed in conversation.
“What is it now, Spike?” Twilight asked exasperatedly.
“The… schoolhouse…” Spike managed to force out before collapsing.
“Spike! Get a hold of yourself! Princess, I am so sorry!” Twilight shouted hysterically as she struggled to hold back tears.
“Don’t worry about it, Twilight,” Celestia said, salivating at the sight of a disheveled Twilight attempting to drag Spike out of the doorway.
“Filly… licker…” Spike said weakly. “No… survivors…”
Hearing the word ‘Fillylicker,’ Celestia’s ears immediately perked up. Could it be? The very same?
***
“My, my, these Royal Guards really are quite useless, aren’t they?” Celestia remarked coldly as she passed by a pile of unconscious armoured stallions. “I ought to have a ‘word’ with Shining Armour about that,” she added to herself. “After all, such shameful performance reflects poorly upon the royal image.”
A flash of white passed by Celestia’s face as she advanced closer to the schoolhouse. In a sizable impact crater metres in front her hooves laid yet another Royal Guard, groaning in pain. Taking special care to step on the unfortunate stallion, Celestia kept her eyes scanning the horizon for more pony-based projectile weapons headed her way.
“Then again,” she giggled hysterically, “these guards are just so fun to punish.”
She heard the shriek of a filly somewhere in the distance, and the irregular, ragged breaths of a full-grown stallion. She was getting closer.
Reaching the doors of the schoolhouse, Celestia stepped on an unconscious cerise-coloured mare as she crossed the threshold into unknown territory. Her eyes adjusted to the dark confines of the classroom.
“So,” she said darkly, “we meet again.”
“Eeyup.”
“Well, you know what this means, don’t you? I told you I would let you off with a spanking the last time when I caught you stealing Luna’s baby photos, but this is really unforgivable. What a worthless stallion. Does your dirty mud pony mind not comprehend simple commands? Such inordinate behavior cannot go unpunished!”
“Eeyup.”
“We sentence thou to ten thousand full-grown mares!” Celestia half-giggled, half-shouted as she charged toward Big Macintosh, horn glowing a dull red.
“Ah. Only. Like. Single. Digits!” he shouted back defiantly, as he returned the charge.
***
Screams of sorrow reverberated through the cavernous torture chamber. A solitary stallion, massive in size cried in agony as a veritable herd of mares assaulted him with their affection.
“Unbelievable,” Flash Sentry said in a disgusted voice as he watched on in envy. “To think I’d pull guard duty for this weirdo.”
***
As Long As There's Love, It Doesn't Matter If Big Mac Is Related, Right?
Shining Armour stepped forward, smiling uneasily as he watched his employer saunter in his direction, a malicious aura following her as she drew nearer.
“It’s alright to call me Celestia, you know? Since you married my favourite niece, we’re family now, aren’t we?”
“Ah,” Shining Armour replied, averting his eyes from Celestia. “Y-yes, C-C-Celestia?”
“We have to talk,” she said in a saccharine-sweet tone.
“A-about what?”
“Your little sister.”
“M-my little w-what?”
His heart stopped beating. Could it be? Did she know about how he had organized the ‘Fillylicker Incident’ during her visit with Twilight? It couldn’t have been.
“Your little sister,” Celestia said, cheeks flushed in anticipation. “I want to know more about her.”
Shining Armour immediately relaxed as he realized that she was not about to punish him for (purposefully) mishandling Fillylicker, but tensed up again upon hearing the rest of her sentence.
“So,” Celestia continued, “as I was saying, I want to know more about my favourite student. She’s so serious around me, really. If I could find out more about her hobbies and interests, I would be able to get closer to her.”
Shining Armour’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Celestia? Getting closer with her student? They were already close as could be as friends. It could only mean one thing. A lean, mean, millennia-old loving-machine who wanted to get with his precious little sister. Of course he wouldn’t let such a thing pass!
“Sure,” he said impassively. “What do you want to know?”
“Well, first of all, what does she do all day? She can’t possible just be studying.”
Shining Armour paused, and thought. It was true. It seemed as though the only thing which his cute little sister had genuinely enjoyed growing up was studying. Of course, he wasn’t going to say that to Celestia.
“Well,” he started, “do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? Because once I tell you, there’s no going back.”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Shining Armour took a deep breath. “She goes clubbing most nights, and picks out about ten or twenty stallions who she sleeps with, all at the same time.”
Celestia’s eyes widened with surprise. “Why, I never--”
“That’s not all,” Shining Armour interrupted. “She also does black magic sometimes. On Spike. And she has a terrible addiction to powdered sugar. Snorts it by the bagful. Pinkie Pie tried staging an intervention, but Twilight transfigured her into a cactus and refused to turn her back unless she promised to leave it alone. Also she called Cadance fat.”
“Why, that’s completely unthinkable! I’ll call her up right now,” Celestia said, conjuring up a roll of parchment and an inkpot.
“Stop!” Shining Armour blurted out.
“Hmm?” Celestia’s head turned, cheeks flushed in anticipation. She had seen through his bluff the moment he opened his mouth.
“I-I might’ve been... exaggerating. I’ll tell you everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything. Even about her lingerie. Just… don’t call her over here.”
“Good.”
Shining Armour sighed, half out of relief, and half out of defeat.
“Oh,” Celestia added, giggling, “I still have to ask you about the Fillylicker Incident after this, so get comfortable.”
She levitated a cushion behind Shining Armour, and gestured for him to sit. It really was a good day. To have a siscon of colossal proportions like the one sitting in front of her, helping her to steal his own little sister from him? Absolute bliss.
***
Pinkie Pie paused, and stared at the sky, before sniffing the air very carefully. Something was off. She hopped into an alleyway, to check if there were any muggings underway. None. She checked the schoolhouse, to see if Fillylicker had returned. It was empty, save for Cheerilee. Apparently, the whole incident had been so traumatizing that her entire class had gone into counselling, a sobbing Cheerilee had told her.
Pinkie Pie was thoroughly stumped. She sat, brow furrowed, deerstalker cap atop her head. Then, it dawned on her. She zipped home to Sugarcube Corner, and burst through the door. Why hadn’t she noticed before? It was obviously Ms. Cake cheating on her husband! Tiptoeing into the back of the store, she braced herself for the worst. However, it never came. Or perhaps, what she found was worse than the worst. She was greeted by a possibly inebriated Mr. Cake, striped panties atop his head giggling to himself as he watched the latest episode of My Little Human.
***
“So as I was saying, Twilight, I think something is way off!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
“Sure, Pinkie,” Twilight replied wearily.
“And you know the craziest part?”
“What? I’m still finding it hard to believe that you actually walked in on Mr. Cake wearing a pair of striped panties on his head, but go ahead.”
“Well, I was walking around, and I passed by Big Mac, and the feeling got even stronger. I think something’s changed with the Apple family!”
“Like what?” Twilight asked disinterestedly.
“Like… An orgy!”
“An orgy, huh? Sounds like- what!?” Twilight spat out, unsure of what she had just heard.
“An orgy. O-r-g-y. Y’know, like one of my parties, but with a happier ending!”
“Don’t be preposterous! There’s absolutely no proof of it.”
“Applejack’s been walking around funny lately, though,” Pinkie said in a contemplative voice. “And Applebloom hasn’t been showing up to trauma counselling. Oh! And also, don’t the Apples seem like the type of ponies to do that?”
“Uh-huh. If you don’t have anything logical to tell me, I’ve still got plenty of reports on the magic of love for the Princess that I haven’t gotten around to writing yet,” Twilight said as she trotted over to the door, eager to see Pinkie out.
“Well that’s just it! Don’t you think a report on sibling love would be amazing?”
“That’s not love! It’s just immoral! Out! Now!”
***
Pinkie Pie watched silently from a bush, as Big Mac piled yet another wagonful of little sister memorabilia into the already-towering bonfire of obscene games and figurines. It all made sense now to her. Now that he had consummated his love with his real little sisters, he no longer needed the games to fill up the longing in his heart! She snapped a photo, and zipped over to Twilight’s treehouse, eager to fill her in on her findings.
***
“Applejack, I think we need to talk,” Twilight said in a concerned tone. “I’ve already got the rest of our friends gathered in the treehouse.”
“Huh? What’re you talking about?” she asked, confused. “I’ve still got to finish this work.”
“It’s urgent,” Twilight said. “About Big Macintosh.”
“Big Mac? What about him?”
“Well, that’s just the thing. Come on,” Twilight said, “follow me.”
***
“Y’all are saying I what?” Applejack said, outraged.
“You bucked Big Mac, didn’t you?” Rainbow Dash said. “Lucky. And I thought I was going to get his first.”
“I think y’all are misunderstanding something,” Applejack said.
“Well, there’s no other explanation, now is there, darling?” Rarity asked. “After all, you’re that age and you’ve yet to find somepony. It’s only natural to want to do such things, but as your friends, we’re concerned about the fact that you’re siblings. Then again, your love must be so strong, that it transcends society’s norms! There’s just something so romantic about that, that I can’t help but find myself supporting you two.”
“Lookie here, I don’t know what y’all are going on about.”
“If I may,” Fluttershy offered, “I have a second cottage, all the way out on Maresica Island. I support you and your big brother completely. If you ever want to move out and get married, I’d gladly let you live there.”
“There’s no need to be getting defensive now,” Twilight said diplomatically. “I have an older brother as well, and I think he’s great. As a pony, I might disagree with your choice morally, but as your friend, I offer you my full support.”
“Hey, Applejack, when do you want me to organize the ‘Congratulations! You bucked your big brother!’ party?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
Applejack began sobbing.
“Jeez, Applejack, I know you think we’re a bunch of great mares right about now, but there’s no need to get all emotional over it,” Rainbow Dash said as a light blush appeared on her cheeks.
