Elements of Larceny

by TheManWithTwoNames

Street Smarts and Book Smarts

Elements of Larceny

A “My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic” fanfiction

By TheManWithTwoNames

“My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties used to belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust, then it belonged to some green pony who swiped the rights, but now we can’t find them, so I guess the show’s up for grabs.
Masky and Patsy are my brain babies.

If I had a bit every time FiMfiction messed up the formatting or dropped out entire lines of text during the import from Google Docs, I'd have... well, probably enough to buy me breakfast and half of a lunch.

Whoo, I've already made you do a lot of reading. Go take a break before you keep going, you've earned it, slugger.

---

“Ta-da! We’re here!” Pinkie Pie announced cheerfully.

“About time,” Masky grumbled loud enough to make sure his obnoxiously cheerful escort heard him. He honestly had no idea how long it had taken them to finally get to the damned library. His sense of time and space had abandoned him, likely to find a new home with someone who wasn’t being vocally assaulted by the only pony in Equestria who had evolved beyond the need for lungs. At least, that was his only explanation for why the hyperactive pink pony could gab for as long as she did without ever needing to stop for air. The experience had nearly driven him to madness. She would yammer on and on for what felt like an eternity about nothing. It was a type of agony usually exclusive to grown men receiving a call from their mothers.

He noticed with a mix of frustration and cruel satisfaction that Patsy endured his captivity just as miserably. Patsy had made several attempts to hop off Pinkie’s back so the two could give her the slip, but every time she proved to be worryingly aware of her prisoner’s efforts to escape, bouncing him back into place whenever he shifted his weight. Even now that they had arrived, she refused to let him down. It wasn’t a smooth trip for Patsy by any means, and when the bouncy ride was over, his face was an even deeper shade of green than usual.

Pinkie, either oblivious or uncaring to her new friends’ unhappiness, threw open the bright red door set in the repurposed tree, revealing a large circular room. The walls were carved into wooden shelves that were crammed with more books than Masky could count. At one end, the shelves transformed into a staircase that led upward to some private room. At the foot of the stairs was another closed door that likely hid some storage room.

“Twiliiight! Hey, girl, whatcha doing?” Pinkie Pie sang as she bounded toward the startled purple unicorn bent over a desk in the center of the room. Twilight’s irritation quickly faded once she saw her friend’s happy face and gave a smile of her own.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie. Oh, who’s this?” Twilight asked as she set down her scroll and quill on the desk and approached the Manehattanites. Masky narrowed his eye on the Twilight's horn and leaned backward, giving Pinkie Pie just enough room to stick her face in between the two.

“This is Masky! He’s new in town! And this,” Pinkie said as she suddenly bounced Patsy off of her back, “is Patsy! He’s new, too.”

The nauseous dragon pulled himself off of his stomach and retreated back to Masky’s side, desperately leaning on his partner as he tried to ease his stomach. Masky responded by taking a step to the side and sending him falling back to the floor.

“I ain’t a stinkin’ lean-to! There’s a wall right there, get your claws offa me,” Masky shouted, smoothing out his purple vest with a hoof.

“A lean-to isn’t something you lean on, actually,” Twilight corrected, earning herself an unimpressed glower from the new visitor. “And I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Twilight Sparkle. It’s nice to meet you both. What brings you to Ponyville?”

“Just looking for a little spree away from home,” Masky said with a shrug. “Just two Joes out for some excitement.”

“So you came to a little town like Ponyville?” Twilight asked, perplexed.

“...yes.” Masky relaxed a bit when it looked like she had bought it. ‘You magic pinheads aren’t as smart you think, are ya?’

“Is he going to be alright?” Twilight motioning her head toward the queasy Patsy leaning in the doorway, desperately filling his lungs with as much fresh air as he could steal.

“He’s just being a drama queen,” Masky said dismissively before snapping his attention to the lizard. “Patsy! If you plan on having anything come outta your yap, you’d better be ready to put it all back in, you read me?” Masky turned back to the uncertain Twilight and gave her a knowing nod. “Brats. Am I right?”

“That seemed a little mean,” Twilight replied, suddenly looking a bit uncomfortable with having him around. “I have some herbs from Zecora that could settle his stomach if he’d like them.”

It was not his proudest moment. In fact, Patsy strongly believed that it would be a blight on his memory as the most un-dragonlike thing he’d ever done (not including his tolerating the company of a fat-mouthed pony for all his young life). But at the mention of the herb, he was powerless to stop his mouth from watering. He promised himself that it was just a result of desperate circumstances and that he wasn’t really going completely native. It would just be one little bite and then he’d be back on his strict diet of raw meat and cheap jewelry.

“Patsy doesn’t like to eat things from ponies he doesn’t know,” Masky interjected, speaking especially deliberately as a subtle hint to his partner to let Patsy know that he shouldn’t say a word. “He’ll be fine, he won’t be making any messes if he knows what’s good for him.”

“I won’t be making a mess because I’ve got nothing left to upchuck at this point,” Patsy muttered darkly. After a few moments, he managed to pull himself together and sulked back to his partner.

“Alright, Pancake Pie,” Masky began, putting the kibosh on the Pinkie before she could follow her primary directive and obliterate the new trace of gloom. “Is there any reason you strung me out here?”

“Whoops! I almost forgot,” Pinkie giggled as she hopped toward a bookshelf. “Hey, Twilight, if you’re not too busy, could you help me find a book?”

Masky’s face twisted into an unseen scowl at the airhead. First she let half of the town get a good look at him during her little chase, then the weasel stole his partner, scatted about nothing until his ears bled, and turned his whole operation into a mess, just so he could meet this chunk of lead unicorn and find some book? He decided he had let the broad waste enough of his time. He snapped his tail in contempt at the pair as he turned for the door.

“Of course. I was just finishing a report to Princess Celestia, but I’d be happy to help,” Twilight said pleasantly.

A blinding light forced Twilight to raise a hoof to shield her eyes. Squinting an eye open, she saw Masky looking at her with a sudden excitement. She wasn’t sure if her eyes were just playing tricks on her, but she thought it looked like the light was reflected off of his teeth.

“Did you just say you’re scribbling to the Big Cheese herself?” he asked as he slid closer to her.

“Yes,” Twilight affirmed with more than a little pride in her voice, “I’m the princess’s number one pupil, and she asks me to send her reports about my studies.”

“If you needed a pen, why didn’t you just say so? Here, use mine." Masky offered a black pen he slipped out from his vest.

“Why does it have that string of metal beads on the end of it?”

“I got it from a bank.”

“I appreciate it, but I already have plenty of quills and ink.” Twilight did her best to be polite as she retreated from the breach of her personal space. She did not want to hurt his feelings. Judging on how grouchy he was just before, it looked like he had a hard time making new friends. She would feel just awful if she shut him down when he was trying to be friendly to her. “But if you’d like, after I help Pinkie find her book, I would love to talk and get to know you better.”

“You and me both,” Masky said with a smile that forced Twilight to avert her eyes again. Once Twilight had joined her friend on the other side of the room, Patsy flicked his partner behind the ear to catch his attention.

“What was that all about?”

“Lady Luck is smiling on us, Patsy,” Masky replied with a wicked chuckle.

“You mean the joymare who hangs around on the corner of Fifth and Main?”

“I mean the one who does you favors for free.” He checked to make sure the other two ponies weren’t listening in before whispering, “I think that these two might be part of that glorified turkey’s special team. And I’d bet your left eye that they know where the elements are.”

“So what’s the plan?” Patsy rubbed his eyepatch, the choice of words making him too uncomfortable to remind his accomplice how stupid the whole scheme was.

“I’m gonna keep the purple narwhal busy while you snoop around. Don’t swipe anything if you find one just yet, I wanna know where they all are before we make the pull. And don’t make me wait for too long. I think she wants a piece of me, if you catch my drift.”

“I think you’re dreaming.”

“I’m not dreaming,” Masky hissed. “She said she ‘wants to get to know me better.’ I know what that means.”

“Weird. She doesn’t really look like she has grandkids.”

“Watch it, runt.”

While the two conspired, Twilight was busy helping Pinkie find the perfect book. She was proud of the collection that the Ponyville library offered. While it certainly couldn’t compare to the virtually endless inventory that the Canterlot royal library boasted, she had yet to be confronted with a challenge that could not be overcome with the help of her leather-bound sages. Chemistry, astronomy, history, magic, cooking, gardening, weight-loss guides, fiction, non-fiction, she had enough books on every subject to satisfy any need (including the awkward requests she would sometimes get from embarassed ponies asking for something from the more risque collection she kept in the basement).

And though she had no doubt that she would always prevail in her pursuit of sharing knowledge, Twilight knew that this would be her most difficult task yet. The request had come as a surprise. Granted, Pinkie surprised most ponies with about half of the things she did or said, but she still could not help but think that the request was particularly unusual.

“Out of curiosity,” Twilight asked as she climbed up a sliding ladder to look at the books on the higher shelves, “why are you interested in a book about Equestrian law?”

“Well, it all started when I woke up this morning. My mane was all extra frizzle-frazzled, which meant that I was going to meet somepony new today! So I had to make sure to be super-extra excited so I could give them a proper Pinkie Pie welcome, so I had to load up the welcome wagon...”

Twilight just nodded and hummed every few seconds while Pinkie happily relayed her entire morning in painstaking detail. She knew better than to try to get her friend to stop once she got started. It was easier on everyone to just zone her out until she was finished, however long that might take. She took advantage of the time by scanning over the titles of whatever book was nearby and making a note of which ones she hadn’t read yet for later.

She didn’t like to think poorly of her friends, but she was worried that whatever Pinkie was looking for would be too far beyond her to be of any help. She wasn’t stupid by any means, but Twilight didn’t honestly expect too much from any of her friends in terms of formal education. Other than the local schoolhouse, Ponyville didn’t have much to offer its citizens in terms of higher learning. (And more than once, Twilight had been grateful to have received such a comprehensive education after a day of talking with some of the other townsfolk.)

Her eyes lit up when she found what she was certain would be the perfect choice to suit Pinkie’s specific mental faculty. Pulling the book off the shelf with some simple magic, Twilight carefully climbed back down the ladder. She always paid close attention to keeping her hooves on the rungs ever since an incident that left her with a twisted ankle. In her concentration, she wasn’t able to hear the faint creaking of wood as a small figure scuttled up the stairs, but she did dismount the ladder just in time to catch the end of the story.

“And then the stallion says, ‘I’m a little hoarse!’” Pinkie concluded before bursting into giggles at her own joke.

“Good one, Pinkie,” Twilight said with a forced laugh, not concerned enough to wonder how her train of thought managed to fly so far off its tracks. “So, I think that I found just the book for you.” Twilight held the book out for her friend to see. The brief moment of excitement the two shared was ended as Pinkie’s smile faded into an uncomfortable frown.

“Umm... that’s great and all, but I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for.”

Twilight was caught somewhere between shocked and disappointed. “Really? I thought it would have been perfect for you. What’s wrong?”

“It’s a little kiddy, don’t you think?” Pinkie replied, pointing to the colorful block letters and cartoonish artwork decorating the cover.

“There’s an old librarian expression, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’,” Twilight replied.

“I guess, and I’m really sorry, but I just don’t think that ‘My Little Proctor’s Big Settlement Adventure’ is gonna help me much.” Pinkie quickly climbed up the ladder to find a book for herself while Twilight still tried to argue her case.

“It’s not that bad, look! Don’t you want Larry the Litigation Lizard to teach you about sexual harassment?” Twilight jumped back and shouted when a book twice the size of her head dropped off the shelf and slammed to the floor in a cloud of dust. She coughed a few times and twisted her head to read the title of the book.

“The Comprehensive Omnibus of Equestrian Law, by Powdered Wig?”

“Ya-huh!”

“Pinkie, this book is enormous.”

“Probably because it’s so full of smart ideas! That’s what I always say about you, you know."

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Twilight said flatly as she leafed through the pages of the monstrous guide. She couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the book. She had to squint just to read the tiny font, and of the few words that she could read, she could only understand about half of them. She never even knew some of these words existed.

“Chapter five hundred and nine, palliating on a chattel mortgage?”

“Twilight, I can see you through the paper!” Pinkie giggled from the other side of the tissue-thin page. “Thanks so much for helping, Twilight! I’ll have this done in a jiffy, and then I’ll see you all at the party tonight!” She hefted the book on her back with some effort and bounced out of the library, her head already buzzing with new ideas.

“So random,” she sighed as walked back to her desk to finish her letter. She gathered her thoughts for a moment, wet the tip of her quill with fresh ink, and brought the tip of her pen to the scroll. A sudden breeze broke her focus, and Twilight frowned when she looked up to see the front door swinging wide open. “She always forgets to close the door.” She brought her attention back to her letter, using her subconscious magic to slam the door.

“Shite!”

Twilight jumped at the abrupt shout and lost control of her magic. Her quill slashed across the parchment and knocked the inkwell off the desk. The bottle broke and the black ink exploded across the floor, staining the wood. She lamented the mess for a moment before turning her head to the ceiling and shouting.

“Spike, what have I told you about watching your language?” Confusion gripped her for a second when she remembered that Spike was out running errands. Something clicked in her head and she turned her head around to see a green stallion sucking on his front hoof.

“What about somepony telling you to not slam doors?” Masky cursed as he withdrew his hoof to examine it with displeasure. “Lousy paper cuts. This is why I don’t read.”

“Sorry about that.” Twilight’s cheeks turned red. She got so focused on helping Pinkie that she had completely forgotten about the pony she brought with her. “You were so quiet I almost forgot you were here.”

“You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome,” Masky said sarcastically as he shoved the book back on the shelf. He casually made his way to the round desk at the center of the library and leaned on it, trying to breathe in as much of the smell of ink as he could. It wasn’t close to the air back in Manehattan, but it was still better than whatever disgusting hippie air the town had been pumping into him. He looked at the mare giving him a pleasant smile and snorted. It wasn’t even funny how easy it was to read the ponies in this town. Sure, she looked pleasant enough, but he had enough experience to pick up on the little signs. The tensed neck and shoulder muscles, the locked jaw, the little creases over the side of her mouth, the ever-so-slight quiver of the eyes toward the door. They all added up to mean one thing.

‘Criminy, this dame’s really got the hots for me. Pick up the pace, Patsy.’

Masky saw Twilight’s mouth start to open and hurriedly spat out the first thing he could think of to stall her.

“Hey hey! We got the same laundry!”

“I don’t think I know what you mean.”

“You’re wearing purple, I’m wearing purple,” he explained, demonstrating by pulling on his vest and tapping his mask. “We’re like brother and sister over here.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Twilight fought back a groan. She just wanted to be left alone and finish her letter to Princess Celestia, but it was looking like her guest wasn’t going anywhere in any hurry. “But I’ve never seen anypony around here dressed quite like you.”

“It’s Black Sheep Chic. It’s all the rage in Manehattan.” He couldn’t believe he just said that. He felt like biting his own tongue off for making such an amateur slip and then swatting Patsy in the back of the head for good measure. “Really, everypony’s wearing it.”

“Hey, didn’t you have a friend with you?” Twilight asked, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

“The loud pink one? She left, remember?” What was taking Patsy so long?!

“No, not Pinkie. You had a baby dragon with you!” She hadn’t meant to shout, but she couldn’t help but be a little excited. This was the only other pony she had ever met who had a baby dragon for a companion, and she had always wished she had someone she could talk about raising a dragon with. It was just awful luck that the opportunity finally appeared now when she only wanted to get some work done.

“Yeah, that’d be Patsy.”

“Wow. For the longest time, I thought I was the only pony in Equestria who was raising a baby dragon. I thought you were Spike when I shouted before.”

“So, where’s your lizard?” Masky asked, innocently twisting his head around as though the dragon would appear at the question. He hid it well, but he was not happy to learn that a rogue factor was just added into the mix. The last thing he needed was another gecko running around and mucking everything up.

“He should be out running errands,” Twilight answered, ignoring the lizard comment until she could be certain if it was offensive or not. “Come to think of it, where’s Patsy?”

“He likes to run off every now and then, but I wouldn’t get all bothered about it,” Masky said cooly. “He always finds his way back. He knows he’d be bunny without me. We’re a power duo, see? Like those drips in that ‘The Manticore, the Windigo, and the Wardrobe’ book.”

“That’s not...” Twilight could only stammer at her guest in sheer bewilderment. “Those aren’t even...”

Luckily for Twilight Sparkle’s sanity, but not so much for her nerves, a loud series of crashes, snarls, and thumps exploded above her. She whipped her head this way and that, trying to figure out what in the world was happening.

“What is that noise?” she shouted in alarm.

“I don’t hear nothing,” Masky replied uninterestedly as he examined a hoof. He finally flinched at the last crash as the upstairs door exploded open and a writhing ball of green and purple slammed down the stairs. Twilight levitated the clump up in the air and separated it into two struggling dragons hissing and clawing the air.

“Oooh, you meant that noise.”

Twilight ignored Masky's cheesy grin and instead focused on giving her still-writhing assistant a disapproving glower. Once Spike was finally lowered back to the ground, he caught the Twilight’s expression and settled slightly. But he made sure his muscles were still tensed and his knees were bent, ready to pounce.

“Twilight! There’s another dragon in the house! He broke in to try to steal all my gems!” Spike whined. He leaped into the air to continue his brawl with the intruder and harmlessly stabbed at thin air as Twilight once again suspended him.

“Spike, I am so disappointed with you!” Twilight scolded as she firmly dropped Spike back on the floor. “How could you just attack a guest like that?”

“He’s not a guest, he’s a thief!”

“That’s a malicious fabrication,” Masky called from the other side of the room as he inspected his own partner. Patsy was sending his fair share of dirty looks the other dragon’s way, but a lifetime of bottling up his hostility had given him the self-restraint necessary to walk away from a fight (and the cunning to start it up again when the other jerk wasn’t expecting it).

“You had one job, Patsy. One job,” Masky growled as he straightened out Patsy’s neckerchief.

“He got the drop on me,” Patsy snipped. “The twerp was hiding. I would have taken him out if I could’ve gotten my knuckles...”

“We’ll worry about how you blew everything later. How you hanging in there, palooka?” Masky asked, looking a bit amused at the scratches and cuts that tarnished his partner's scales.

“I think I broke my hand going down the stairs.” He demonstrated by lifting his left hand up, revealing a perfectly intact claw.

“Looks fine to me. Can you move your fingers?”

Patsy only gave Masky a flat look as he complied. A sickening crack accompanied each bend as the four green claws popped and snapped in disgusting angles.

“See? What did I say? You’re fine.”

He only finally gave a yelp of pain when a purple aura surrounded his claw and all four fingers were magically forced back into their sockets. Patsy flapped the healed fingers as if trying to shake out the explosive pain that was now burning in his joints before opting to just stick his fingers in his mouth.

“I am so sorry about Spike,” Twilight apologized as she trotted over to the pair. “It would appear that my lazy assistant was taking a nap instead of running his errands,” she added nastily. “Please forgive him, most times he meets a new dragon it ends in some fiasco. I think it's left him a little jaded. But if you don’t mind me asking, why were you in our room?”

“I was looking for a book.”

“A book?”

“This is a library, isn’t it?”

“He was looking under your bed!” Spike shouted and was quickly glared back into silence.

“Yes, this is a library,” Twilight explained as patiently as she could, “but books are usually kept down here on shelves. Not under pony’s beds.”

“I don’t go to many libraries,” Patsy shrugged. This was really just too easy for him. The sad little mare was trying so hard to be accommodating and patient. That purple runt must have been some sort of moron if she really didn’t have any trouble believing a dragon could be that stupid. Dragons! The oldest, most powerful species in the world, predating even the evolution of the pony race, with elder leaders still boasting about their victories over the princesses and Starswirl the Bearded in battles of wit. But he could break into a ponies house and get off scott-free with just ‘Nope dope I don’t know what liberries are! A-hyuck!’ Honestly pitiful. At least this failure could just be used to prove that this whole scheme was a waste of time and they could get something to eat and convince Masky to go back to Manehattan. Like there was any chance of that actually happening.

“Really? Well that is kind of odd. I always thought that The Manehattan Public Library was one of the most renowned libraries in Equestria.”

Patsy hid his scowl and only gave his chagrined partner the briefest of glances as he spoke very clearly, making sure to over-enunciate every syllable, “Yes it is. But we do not go to that end of the city that often.”

Twilight cleared her throat as she surveyed the scene. Spike was in some sort of territorial dragon bloodlust after spending all day getting out of doing work. Patsy was banged up pretty decently, had been poking around in her bedroom, and by the way he was talking it sounded like he had some sort of stroke. And then there was Masky, who was now refusing to make eye contact with anyone in the room after spending the afternoon making her uncertain if he was awkward or just unpleasant.

She was going to get Pinkie Pie back for this.

“So,” she ventured awkwardly, “how long have you and Patsy been together?”

“Well, I hatched him when I was six,” Masky said, “so that’d be about twenty long years now.”

“That’s kind of a coincidence,” Twilight said, her initial excitement of finding another dragon-rearing pony rekindling. “That’s about how long I’ve raised Spike.”

“Let me stop you right there. He’s twenty? And you’re still calling him a baby dragon?”

“Well, nineteen, technically. That’s still infancy for dragons. Isn’t it?” Twilight was suddenly feeling much less secure with her understanding of dragon biology.

“Dragons leave infancy at fifteen,” Patsy explained flatly.

“Then why are you so much bigger than Spike?”

“I take it you mean taller. He’s a chubby little hatchling, isn’t he?” Patsy said snidely, earning a warning growl from the younger creature. “You overfeed him. I don’t want to see what he’ll be like once he hits his growth spurt in the next few years. All that fat is going to explode out everywhere and turn him into a big mess.”

Patsy took no small amount of pleasure in watching the color drain away from Spike’s scales, his mouth hanging limply in unspeakable stammers. If he only knew the nightmares that were playing out in the smaller dragon’s mind, scenes of a beautiful white and purple unicorn squealing in disgust at his hideously bloated form, it would have been enough to get a genuine laugh out of him for the first time in years.

Masky had no trouble telling when his accomplice was lying. After all, he taught the sprout everything he knew about deception. And there was no mistaking the look of someone who was seeing their dreams fall apart before their very eyes on Spork or whoever’s face. But as far as he was concerned, the gecko borked his only chance at casing the joint, so he was lucky to get out of this with just a heart attack and a few kicks to the crotch. Now he had to defuse the situation so the purple egghead wouldn’t start getting suspicious, so it was once again time for him to dance into that mental minefield of confusion and chicanery that was small talk.

“So, how did you get your egg?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your dragon. How’d you get your dragon?”

“Well that’s really a wonderful story.” A nostalgic warmth crossed Twilight’s face as she stirred up the memories of what was without doubt the greatest day of her life. “I was just a little filly in Canterlot when I had enrolled in Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. I was so excited, but I had to pass an... entrance exam.” Masky wasn’t sure if she added the nervous gulp for some dramatic tension or if she was really that terrified of the thought of tests. Either way, he hated her a little more for it.

“I was so nervous when one of the proctors wheeled in a little wooden cart, and on the top of it was a purple speckled egg. I had to hatch the dragon egg to pass, but I just couldn’t! It was the most important day of my life, and I was about to blow it! But then...”

That was about all of this snore Masky could stand to take. He let his eyes glaze over a bit while the flat tire hissed out her life story. Rainbow magic explosion plants blah blah blah big whoop! Surrounded by books and she couldn’t figure out how to tell a good story to save her life. It just proved that movies were better. Once she finished yapping, he didn’t even wait to be asked to start telling his story.

“So when I was just a little tyke, I was already taking care of myself like a real stallion. Anyway, I was all primed and ready to go. I had my peppers, I had my onions, I had some feta cheese, I was all set to make one heckuva omelet! Only thing missing was an egg, see? So I swung by the, eh, market and I procured myself a big honkin’ egg. I was just over the moon for it. So I ran home, diced up everything just right, heat up the pan, got everything ready for brinner—you know that that is? It’s breakfast for dinner, it’s the tops. I bet all the fatcats in Canterlot have it every night, the bastards.

“Anyhoo, I grabbed the egg and I crack it open over the pan, and wouldn’t ya know it, no yolk, but this ugly fried chicken fetus looking thing plops out. The second it hit the pan, it let out the most unbelievable noise I ever heard. It was like horns on a chalkboard. Completely otherworldly, loud enough to wake the dead. It sounded like somepony dancing on a bunch of cats. The point I’m trying to make is that it was just the worst. So that noise is going on right in front of my face since the little imp was clawing and biting at me. Understandably, I lost my cool for just a tick, and we’re crashing all around the hideo—er, apartment, making a big ruckus of the place. After we both settled down and shared a drink, I decided to keep the little ankle-biter.”

Masky concluded by tossling Patsy’s brown spines in a half-aggressive noogie. “And sometimes he even makes me glad I did.”

“That story gets more heart warming every time I hear it,” Patsy said flatly, swatting the hoof away.

“So you guys really get along then?” Twilight asked, looking between the two as they took turns swiping at each other, feinting and punching at one another wherever they could.

“Oh, we get along great!” Masky said as he crushed Patsy in a headlock. “We’re like two peas in a pod.”

“Or grape juice and glue,” Patsy grunted as he slipped free again, stumbling back from the sudden shift in balance and crashing into a bookshelf. A few books were knocked loose and bopped Masky on the head.

“Are you sure you two are okay with each other?” Twilight asked as she flinched away at the sight of Masky pelting Patsy with a few of the books. She managed to catch them all in the air before any more damage could be done to them. “You two seem a little eristic.”

“I’ve always been good at painting,” Masky agreed as he straightened out his hat and mask.

“Not artistic, I said... ugh, never mind.” She abandoned hope of moving that conversation anywhere positive. She decided that she had entertained the two of them long enough and began to try to steer the discussion to its conclusion. “Well, the day is getting on, and I really should get back to work on my report to the princess. So I think that I’m going to have to say goodbye for now.”

“Aw, so soon?” Masky asked so sincerely. “Why don’t you let Patsy and Spank play around upstairs a bit more? They could play some hide and seek and get a nice look around the place.”

“I actually think Spike is getting a little too territorial to have any guests right now,” Twilight urged, glancing over at her assistant still struggling between the shocking depression of his romance with Rarity crumbling and the strange new desire to rip this stranger apart. “So maybe you should just leave.”

Masky recoiled at the command. His eyes dulled and his ears fell limply, slapping himself in the forehead as he lowered his head. He scratched the back of his head with his hoof and sadly looked up at Twilight with watery eyes. “Oh. Oh, alright then. I can take a hint. No need to tell me twice, no ma’am.”

Twilight bit her lip, feeling guilty for her crudeness. She tried to turn her head away but her eyes were still tracing the sad pony as he sulked toward the door, his head nearly dragging against the floor.

“Come on, Patsy. Let’s not bother her anymore. She’s too busy for the likes of us.”

Patsy only gave Twilight one disapproving shake of his head as he opened the door, the hinges creaking with a sad whine. The traveling pair sighed together before turning in perfect synchronization to give the conscience stricken unicorn one last despondent gaze before crossing through the threshold.

“Wait!” she called, reaching out for them. The two paused but did not turn around, and silently waited for Twilight to finish wracking her brains. “I mean, I’ll still see you at whatever party Pinkie’s throwing tonight, right? And you could visit some of my other friends in the meantime.”

“Who are they?” Masky said, still with his back turned. For some reason, though, all the ponies walking in front of him were squinting and covering their eyes.

“Well, there’s Applejack. She lives over on Sweet Apple Acres, and she used to live in Manehattan, too. And then there’s Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and you’ve already met Pinkie Pie...” Twilight listed off, hoping that she could spare his feelings and at the very least introduce him to some new friends.

“Sounds like a blast,” Masky said with a laugh, his sudden shift in mood once again disorienting the librarian as he galloped off for Sweet Apple Acres. “Come on, Patsy, we’ve got some ponies to say hello to...”

===========

Pinkie Pie looked over her room with a satisfied smile. She had rolled out all of her essential party provisions, with balloons, streamers, confetti, games, and more all just waiting to be arranged into the perfect alignment to bring out the fun in everyone who’d be attending.

“Sorry, guys,” she apologized to a baggie of uninflated balloons as she pushed them off a table to make room. “But you’ll have to wait just a teeny tiny bit longer for me to finish reading.” The Comprehensive Omnibus of Equestrian Law slammed down on the table and caused the wood to bend under the sheer girth of it. Pinkie hummed to herself as she flipped open to the first page and excitedly began to read. She would have to work quick to finish legitimizing the Pinkie Promise and still have time to set up the party, but she knew if anyone could get it done in time, it was her.

Comments

[Aidanoc123]

Twilight is 26?! Wow.

[acsinclair]

*sigh* We could have learned so much from Larry the Litigation Lizard too...

[banjo2E]

Pinkie's gonna ruin everything, isn't she.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I get the feeling that they're going to have to call in the Mayor to defuse the situation after Pinkie overloads herself on legislation.

Also, I have to agree with Patsy. The benefit of the doubt is one thing, but Twilight may be being a bit too nice here for the purposes of credulity. Still, I'm looking forward to more, especially when Applejack sees through these two like a page of Pinkie's new light reading.