Dream On: Vinyl and Tavi's Private Weblog

by Koiyuki

Vinyl, on Social Evolution

So last time you said that the redhead I met at the bar reminds you a lot of me when we first met. When I got in touch with her after that night at CGBG, gotta say that I don't think you're too far off. Back in highschool I was just as single minded with how wrapped up I was in my grind. Shoot, outside of the clubs and my boy at the time, I hardly had a minute to myself, most of my social time coming from hitting up online forums and Yotsuba Channel to talk about music, video games and all that nerdy stuff. Part of that comes from the fact that as a kid, my mama didn't want her little girl going too far from home.

Growing up in Red Hook, which just won its 10th award in a row as the most dangerous distinct in Manehatten, my mama hated the idea of me going outside to do anything-and looking back, I don’t blame her. Right in front of our old, patchy red apartment there was always someone there slinging some sorta dope. A lotta kids in school there were straight up ignorant too (as best as I recall, out of the 40 of us they crammed into each classroom, I and about 2 others were the only ones to pass most of the time). Because of that, my mom always tried to either enroll me in afterschool programs away from that ‘hood or get me into things that let me chill at home all day, like writing, music, manga, drawing and all that jazz. That, paired with how much hoodrat nonsense I saw go down on a regular basis(like when someone broke out a switchblade while riding their bike and made swinging motions about 5 feet away from some girl in a miniskirt), lead me to be way less social, to the point where my mom asked if I was becoming a Hiki-komori, the Japonican term for a total shut in.

A year or so after you gave me that laptop, I was gearing up to head to high school, and as I thought of everything I've heard about it, I wondered if all that would change the first day I attended, if I would transform into someone I never knew I had inside me. Reality, though? Outside of meeting my first love, my ghostwriting hustle and the hip hop club, not a damn thing changed. My daily routine was still mostly breakfast, school, after school thing, dinner then messing around on my neighbor’s wi-fi. One time, when me and my boy at the time were riding the L train, he even asked, “So, like, do you do anything else besides school work and your DJ stuff? Gotta work your body muscles as much as you do your brain muscles, man” Yeah, man, when I wasn’t on the decks in those days, I was a major homebody -and to some extent, still am, if you replace ‘home’ with studio. Don't get it twisted, now, if folks wanted to get at me, I always tried to chat with them, but more often than not, it was awkward as all get out. I was reminded of that every time my folks took me to meet their folks at birthday parties, and junk, and the only thing I could think to say was, “How about that weather, eh?”. With my mom's folks, the language barrier made it so much worse, and the only thing I could really do while they were running their mouth was listen, nod and smile, something I imagine Vivi went through, too, when she was learning Japonican.

When I asked her if she wanted to meet up at Urth Caffe, that overpriced coffee joint you seem to love so much(Seriously, 4 bits for that tiny serving of Espresso Macchiato? You must be on that bougie trip if you think that’s reasonable), I, like you probably did, expected to meet the fiercely insightful, game loving gal I got to know over our online chats. I got there kinda early, so I chilled in my car for a bit, and watched from my window, just to see how she talked to folks. For about 10 minutes she was sitting there playing her New 3DS, talking to absolutely nobody save the the one girl who asked her for directions. Haven’t heard so many errs, ahhs and umms since my family first went to Los Equinos, when we got totally lost trying to figure out the how to ride the buses and trains and my mom was asking the local yokels for directions(those bucking stuck up West Coast punks). It was mega painful to watch, so I strolled in there and greeted her while helping her give those complex directions, afterwards trying to figure out why she struggled so much with being social while we munched on a pot roast sub.

"I know you didn't have a lot of friends back in highschool, but I'm kinda curious on why. You seem chill enough, from what you've told me about yourself back then"

"Truth be told, it wasn't just that I couldn't. There was also a huge part of me that flat out wouldn't."

"Wouldn't? Why wouldn't you?"

"Well, in all honesty, I thought that, with a few exceptions, everyone around me was a complete idiot. Whenever my friends tried to take out to clubs or whatever, the only stuff on my mind was 'Ugh, I'm so bored in here, can we leave yet?' When I was sitting down for lunch, I looked over at the jocks and cheerleader types and thought 'Ugh, I don't care about these meatheads and bitches, I just wanna go home and play my SNES.' All through PE my inner dialogue was going, 'Ugh, I hate being outside with all these morons in the way. Ugh, why am I even doing this? Ugh, ugh, UGH'" Around that time I theorized that, from what she showed, her throwing major shade made her the kinda person people don’t like hanging with, something I saw in a lot of folks growing up (and I know you did, too). Brought back lots memories of the folks I’ve met, folks that, every time they opened their mouths, I wanted to punch right in the mush-and a few that I did when they got in the ring with me at the high school boxing club.

After getting to know her better, I figured that she didn't think a lot of folks were worth her time, so she never got many chances to break out of that anti-social mentality. That likely meant she didn’t have a whole of the common sense folks build from being social. I knew I was on the money when we were on the way to this arcade she brought up...Kakegawa Game Action, if memory serves.

“From what your friend tells me, you two are really close." she said while we were crawling our way through traffic, "Have you ever fought with her?”

“Things have gotten pretty heated, yeah. There was this one time we both got so heated, we actually scrapped in the park. Bruises, rolling around on the ground, knock outs, the whole nine. Was pretty bad for awhile, and for a long time after that our friendship was done.”

“'Done'? Really? I could never imagine one fight being bad enough to end that kinda friendship. Makes me feel a bit better about how I screwed up mine.” I was kinda curious as to what she meant by that, but by that time we had reached the spot, and she wanted me to see how awesome the place was. When I got through the front doors, I was...less than impressed with the average looking bowling alley that came into view. Vivi, though, insisted I take a tour of the place, taking me through the very well cared for Candy Cabs and driving games that look plucked from Japonica’s finest arcades and onto the next room. Man, that spot was stuffed with fun looking rhythm games! They had DDR, Beatmania, Pop’n Music and a whole bunch of super loud goodness I didn’t think they had outside Japonica. Was hoping to give one of the games a go, but she really wanted to keep it moving on to the next room. From what I saw, it was set aside just for console gamers looking to polish their skills for tourneys and junk, often times getting their grind in with the same games they had in the last room way in back. That one was reserved for fighting game cabinets only, both the modern stuff like Street Fighter IV and the classics like King of Fighters 2000, not to mention the stupefying variety in between they had. It was pretty dope, altogether, so as soon as I got the full tour, I bookmarked it as one of the places I had to hit when I was back in town. As I got the grand tour, though, I noticed something odd about her. In each room, she was all “Yo,” “What’s up,” “Hey, man, how’s it hanging,” and talking to the other dudes and dudettes like she knew them for years. Complete 180 from the Vivi I saw struggling to give directions back at the cafe!

I didn’t get it at all, but I knew there had to be something to it, something to why she was such a different animal there. When we got to the 3s machines, I had to ask, “How about this? If I beat you at this game, you gotta go to the club I’m spinning at next weekend. I’ll hook you up with getting in and everything, but you gotta go. You win, I’ll make some music for Bipson Bucks. That's the betting website you showed me on your phone, right? Remember, no backsies.” After I swept her with my SA3 Ryu, I did what I promised, then got my gear ready for the club gig, fully anticipating seeing her at Fyre Flye(you know, the tiny little 2 floor club a musician buddy of mine runs near the art museum!). When I went there, it was packed with cool folks looking to have a fun time and thought she would totally hit it off with someone there. I told her to approach it like those Dating Sims she's into, so there was no way she wouldn’t know how to get social, right? From the brief glimpses I saw of her, though, I could not bucking believe it. There she was decked in her sleeveless purple shirt, green fishnet top, black miniskirt, and silver DualShock pendant necklace, and she wasn’t talking to a single person in the club. As a matter of fact, she mostly sat at the bar and watched everyone ELSE get their party on, including the lonely looking guy sitting by himself about 2 bar stools away from her! I mean, seriously? Did she really go through all that effort to get dressed and junk just to people watch? It was like she ragequit the game before she even pressed start!

At that point, I had all but thrown in the towel on trying to break out of her comfort zone. “Maybe the arcade and places like that are the only places she can let loose.” I thought. “At least she isn’t a total Hiki-komori, right?” A couple weeks after the club thing, that was what ran through my mind when she called and asked if I could hang with her. I was set to meet Flint Rock later on that day, but the more I stewed on how chill she was with just me and, like, one other person-as you learned that day we went to Kakegawa Game Action together, it came to me that maybe it wouldn't be so bad letting her tag along. Told her to get ready and meet me at the spot while I was putting my face on and rolling on out the door, expecting her to stumble her way through introducing herself to my boy. Sure enough, he rolls in the spot in jeans and a muscle shirt, and she can't even form coherent sentences while he smiles and asks, "Wanna feel my abs?" Suddenly, I remember what a humongous flirt he was and was about a half second from popping him in the mush. Before I could, though, he lifted the shirt to show off that glorious washboard stomach. Vivi was feeling up on that chiseled perfection as he asked, "You're Vivi, right? My girl over here tells me you speak pretty good Japonican. Tell me something: Hiki-komori kai?" In that instant, she stopped and flashed him a smirk.

“Chotto sa(just a bit)” Out of nowhere she was loosening up like she's been tight with him, and the reason why came to me after I remembered something you told me about what happens when folks speak to someone in a different language. If I’m not mistaken, you told me that when someone speaks another language, how they speak, act and all that junk is altered by the associations they develop with the language.

“It’s like when someone speaks with a sexy intonation in their native tongue, then childlike in a foreign one because of what happened with others speaking it when they were young,” you said that time at bookstore. At the time, I thought it was kinda strange, but watching the two of them chat it up in Japonican made me a believer, more so when he convinced her to join us at Wild Card Gym to work up a sweat.

When we got there, we hit the treadmill, free weights, and jump rope and quickly learned she was desperately out of shape. I ain’t exactly the picture of health, myself, but when arms shook from modded push ups, the only thing I could think was, “Man, you’d think that DDR game would’ve done something for her cardio” Of course the whole time we were doing her warm ups Flint Rock was coaching her up in Japonican, getting her to crank out the one last rep she thought she was too tired to do. While I was demo’ing boxing techniques for her to follow, the two of them talked about anything and everything, including the personal stuff I heard her tell him. Seeing them talk so casually about how her mom taught her coding since she was a kid left me amazed-and admittedly kinda jealous.

Since I wanted Vivi to get more social, I went against every emotional yearning washing through me as we rolled out and let her sit up front with Flint. In our drive around town, she talked about the same thing we did while she was guiding me to Kakegawa Game Action, with the same waver in her voice she got when I first heard her bring it up. Right when I thought she was about to change the subject, Flint says, “Hey Vivi, how about we head to that drive in over there and get a bite to eat?” While we were munching on our shakes and such, Vivi let out a chuckle between sips

“Maybe my mom was right about me needing to be more social. Might’ve taught me how not to be an asshole towards the best friend I’ve ever had, you know?”

When I first got to know her, she told a story to an IRC chat she clued me into about a guy who visited a friend she hadn’t met in years, and how he was the most clueless asshole ever, never referring to her friend’s best friend by name, acting extremely boneheaded around them and not finishing the food they offered after he said he was hungry, using it as an example on why people, in her terms, need to constantly lurk, hide their power level in public settings and not spill their spaghetti. The moment she said that, I realized that she was talking about herself, and probably didn’t want folks to go through the same nonsense she did, to feel the pain of getting that close to losing your best friend to your own stupidity. Right after we got to the PC Cafe she wanted us to visit, Flint smiled at her and gave her a few bits.

“Why don’t you go ahead and get some practice matches in, yeah? Haven’t seen my gal pal here in a minute, and I wanna do a bit of catching up. We’ll be there soon, so just go rip it up, alright?” As soon as she left, I hopped up front, old school jams pumping through his car’s stereo while he rolled up the windows. “You know, in a lot of ways, her shyness reminds me a lot of you when we first met. What'chu think, though?”

"I think you're acting awful familiar with her, considering you knew her about 10 seconds before you let her feel up on you"

"You saw how tense she was, didn’t ya? Had to do something to cut through that and get her loose. If you want a feel, too, then be my guest" I remember my face feeling pretty hot when I socked him in his bicep (and to be perfectly honest, I kinda did want a feel). "Anyways, from what I've seen of her, the girl looks ready to make up for lost time, but it seems like she either don't know how or don't trust herself to"

"What do you mean?"

"C'mon, now, I know you heard how she was talking when we were gabbing it up. That sigh she let out when she talked about her friend? How she constantly cut herself down about being unreliable? Getting all dressed up to go to that club you were at, but not having the nerve to talk to anybody there? It's pretty obvious she knows how to do the social thing, but don't got have the self-confidence yet to do it with folks she don't know"

"How can she get that confidence if she doesn't have the faith to even try, though?"

"Same way you and I got it: results. Can’t run before you nail crawling first, right? Just like you got to spin for those big events by working your way up from those house parties and I became champ by putting in quality work as a no name contender. You know better than I do, so I think you’re better suited at showing her what she did right, what will give her the mental boost she needs to take that first sketchy looking step” While we were in there getting 360 no scoped all day, I thought back on all the chats I had with Vivi since that night in the bar, and despite her sharing tons with me about how much people respected her skills in her QA gigs, I drew a total blank on what she accomplished that was even remotely related to her getting better at socializing. As we were getting ready to roll out, Vivi was showing Flint the site she asked me to make music for, Bipson Bucks, and how the whole thing worked, Flint asking, “So how did you figure out making a site like this? Because I can’t imagine all this was easy to whip up, Vivi”

“Considering I knew jacksquat about building a website or using Javascript, I’d say I did pretty decent. Didn’t figure I’d spend months learning how to better let people bet fake cash on fightan games, though.”

“Seems like folks dig the work, if you ask me, especially the big chunk of 'em throwing down cash for that primo membership "

"Oh, for sure. My Bipson Boys have always had my back, so seeing their support come to where it pays my rent and more means a ton"

"Cash is always the loudest way to say you dig what someone does. What would you say if you ever met any of 'em?"

"Dunno. To be honest, I think I need to make things right with my friend first before I can even consider meeting my Bipson Boys. Just wish I knew where to begin" Soon as she said that, the lights went on and the wheels got rolling on how I could help Vivi being social, leading to me working on a master plan to set up that first step on her 1000 mile journey, a plan I knew had to involve her meeting her friend face to face

***

When we friended each other on FaceSpace, I saw that the person Vivi listed as her bestie was someone called Kuroki. As Vivi and I got to know each other, I learned her bestie was a translator she has a decade of history with, Vivi sharing the good times they shared each time we shot the breeze. I remember this one story she told me about them cruising while broke down a super high-class street over in Greenway(you know, the one you always call ‘The Avenue’). They were on the way back from some concert, when Vivi just stuck her head out the window and shouted, “I’m poor and I don’t care, woo!” Always chuckle when I remember that, just like I did on the way home from the Net Cafe, when I, on a pure whim, decided to contact her friend.

Over a couple weeks of chats and Oekaki duels, I got to know how much of a thoughtful kinda gal she was, telling me about how much her friends come to her about the drama they’re going(some at such absurd, how-is-this-even-possible levels I’m convinced she has the patience of a saint). Naturally, because I know it’s best practice to try and lay low online, she had no idea about who I really was and gave her threadbare hints to it. As I saw her sketch out a cat in mid flip, she asked, “Do you art professionally?”

“Nah, man, I just spin records for folks and get the party as hype as I can. Nothing special, you know?” When I set up a meeting at Kakegawa Game Action, I was totally expecting her to freak once she saw me in the flesh. Her virtually nothing reaction the day we met was a mix of relief and disappointment and left me kinda nonplussed. Maybe my name didn’t have that much fame? Maybe she’s wasn’t into the EDM scene enough for it to matter? Maybe I actually had to turn on the charm this time? The last one ended up being my best option as we roamed around town and learned more about what kind of relationship she had with Vivi. The major thing I took away was what she told me while I was stepping up to our bowling lane.

"As much as I believe in what Vivi can do, I don't think that Vivi believes in it, or at least not enough to act."

That much sat in the back of my brain while I was in the studio messing around with the Amen Break for a new song I had in mind, trying to think of how I could encourage Vivi to try being social again when the last time she tried to be social, she lead her bestie to question their friendship.

***

About a week after that studio session, I called up Vivi to see if she was down to hang, rolling up to her place in my drop top Camaro and ready to see if I could give her that boost. When she got out the front door, I noticed she was primped up nicer than usual. She didn’t have the bags under her eyes from the first time we met, her hair was combed relatively nicely, and she was in the same get up I recognized from when I saw her at Fyre Flye, minus the miniskirt she swapped out for a fresh pair of jeans. This was the absolute cleanest I’ve ever seen her dress, and it freaked me out. I mean, all that paired with her usually giving few flying flips about how she looked? Something was seriously off.

"Yo, Vivi, you cleaned up mad nice.” I told her as she approached. “Expecting to go somewhere special?"

"I am. With you." The way she kept glancing over at me during our ride around town told me she was looking for my seal of approval on her style, as did the way she tried to maintain eye contact when she spoke with me, just the way I told her about when she wanted to know how she could be better at socializing. Full on, it hurt me to see her fake the funk, more so because the way she talked about wanting to be better to make other people happy signaled bad things brewing. To see if there were, I asked, "Why do you think you gotta make other people happy?"

“Because when the people I care about are happy, I’m happy”

“Why, though?”

“It’s only natural. Doesn’t everyone want to happy?”

“I guess. So why does you being happy gotta come from them being happy?” Her silence left no doubt she was doing what she had to to not lose something, or in this case someone precious. That was an approach I knew would eat at her over time and make her snap at the person she's doing all this for, the exact same way I snapped at my piano instructor one time when I kept trying to change my tempo to match his.

“Look, you know what it’s like, don’t you?” She asked when we at a stop light. “To spill so much spaghetti trying to get to know someone that they end up walking away? To feel like there’s an ocean between you and the person you’re trying to talk to? To have so few real life friends you can count them on one hand?”

“I do, have since I was a kid. The few friends you do make are more precious than platinum, and you’ll do anything to keep them from leaving you behind. The second you screw anything up with them, you want to do whatever you can to convince them to stay, even if it means throwing away everything that makes you who you are”

“If you know all this, then why are you asking me about why making my friend happy makes me happy? It explains itself, don’t it?”

“It does if the explanation is that you’re letting them decide how happy you can be and are afraid that kind of happiness will just up and leave. Am I wrong?” We were getting on the freeway, when Vivi let out chuckle as a tear slid down her cheek.

“Man, where were you when I pissed my friend off last year? If I had known you then, I might not have spent so much time feeling lost on what to do about it”

"I felt the same way about a singer I met after my friend and I scrapped. Thanks to her, I realized that to treat others well, you gotta start by treating yourself well. Hard to be nice to folks when you ain't nice to yourself, right?"

"I suppose. How can I be nice to myself, though, knowing how much I've screwed up?"

"First, there's realizing that it ain't just you. Everyone screws up, sometimes in major ways at major moments. Second, it's being aware that life goes on after a screw-up and has a lot of wisdom to offer to make you that much better off a person. Finally, there's learning from that wisdom, forgiving yourself for that screw-up, then dusting yourself off and trying again. Easier said than done, yeah, but I know you can do it.”

“You really think so?”

“Me, your friend, your Bipson Boys, and lots of other folks. You made Bipson Bucks from scratch, didn’t you? If you can do that, you can definitely become the best you you can possibly be. All you gotta do to start is commit and make yourself too legit to quit. The important question right now, though, is do think you can?” She didn’t say a thing the rest of the trip, browsing the net on her phone, and showing me a video of cat hopping into a box while we were in traffic on the way to the spot. As I pulled into the parking lot, though, her eyes lit up, likely from the fact that my boy was waiting out front with her friend beside her wearing the exact same pink on white shirt and knee length slacks as the day I met her. With a smile, Vivi turned to me and uttered the words I was waiting for her to say with conviction.

“Ano ne, dekiru wa(You know what? Yes, I do)”

After that, I handed her a loaded prepaid card and a list of things she could do around town with her friends and left them to do their thing. After working his charm a bit more, my boy hopped in the car and rode away with me so we could do ours at the gym with a couple friends. From what her friend tells me, she's still kinda awkward around new folks, but she's much looser and more of a straight shooter than before, on top of being more aware of folks around her. The next time they met up with her best friend, she even talked with her and she called her by name, not "Your pal"! Ain’t much, but baby steps, you know? Gotta work your way up to running, steps I knew she was taking when one day in the studio, she sent me a sweaty looking shot of her, her friend and her friend’s best friend posing in front of the squared circle at the gym I took her to. With the pic, I saw that she wrote, “Your singer friend is super sadistic slave driver, and I regret ever asking her to be our trainer. Hope you can join us sometime soon!”

Author's Note:

From Miss Strings and Things:
Ahh yes, Hoshikawa does work her workout buddies quite strenuously. Perhaps you could have recommended someone a bit gentler to start them off? Then again, 'no pain, no gain,' as some people like to say. I have heard other suggest that such a notion can be quite harmful in the long term and can lead to someone burning out far earlier than they would leading a more gentle, considerate existence. Perhaps this is something I will ponder for my next piece