Chapter One
*Authors Note* Ok, this is the first thing I have EVER written like this, so it’s going to be pretty bad. However if you want to read on, go ahead, I mean, who’s stopping you?
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This is a story about your average college student, who’s also in the marching band and plays the clarinet pretty well. He’s played the clarinet for 8-9 years, he’s lost track, and he always practices outside his house to the left. He has never liked to be around big groups of people, he’s always been the kind of person that secludes himself from society. From here, is where we start his story.
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It started as a normal day for CJ; he opened his clarinet case and started putting it together.
*sigh* You know, being single my whole life sucks. I just wish that I could find one person to make me happy. Sadly, after all of the heart breaks and rejections, I’m just better off alone. I’m just saying fuck it, I’m done, I’m better off alone….Ok time to stop with the self pity, I have practicing to do.
So with that, CJ started practicing his clarinet, playing soft, slow melodies with such care and grace that it just made everything more...peaceful. CJ has always let music be a big part of his life, he never goes anywhere without his iPod, and you would always see him listening to it everywhere he went. You would often hear the wubs coming from his headphones. He just blasted it as loud as he could and just kept walking on, not giving a fuck. But when he finished practicing he put his clarinet up and decided to take a nap.
“I hope I don’t wake up with any bugs or anything on else on me. I hate being afraid of spiders. It’s just something about the eyes that freak me out, just having 8 instead of 2.
At this point CJ shivers at the thought of waking up with one on his face. But, even with that on his mind, he decides to take a nap. Clarinet lying on his chest, he stares at the sun that’s slowly began to set under the horizon.
“Think I should go inside…naaaa, I’ll be fine, seriously, what could possibly go wrong?”
I’m pretty sure we all know to NEVER say that, and CJ soon learns not to as well. Most people mean it as a rhetorical question, but the worlds just says “No, fuck you, were doing it anyways”
So as CJ lies there sound asleep, then a slight rumble sounds from somewhere. CJ wakes up wondering what that noise was.
“W-what’s going on? Is it an earthquake or just a tremor?”
At that point he saw the ground started to crack around him, leaving him helpless as he just sat there waiting for the ground to bury him alive.
“Well, I’ve lived a good life I guess, even though I’ve never had a girlfriend. Damn, I wish I did. I would treat her like the way she’s supposed to be treated, protect her when she’s in trouble, and hold her when she’s scared or just needs a shoulder to cry on.”
After he said that, the earth just seemed to open up underneath him, leaving him floating in the air. He looked down to see a slight, colorful ripple in the ground. Not like the fire and lava you would expect.
“Why the hell am I floating? Wait, IM FLOATING? Since when could I float? And about the time CJ said that he looked down, again.
“Oh shit” and as usual whenever someone says that after they look down, he just falls into the…rift? I guess that’s what you would call it.
When he fell through, all he noticed was a beautiful sunset and the greenest grass he’d ever seen coming towards his face.
“Oh fuck m-“about that time CJ’s face makes full contact with the ground. His body just flattened out like a plank sticking up in the air, and he was fully unconscious as his body hit the ground, CJ snoring away like he was asleep.
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Meanwhile, a yellow Pegasus is chasing down Angel, her favorite pet, through the forest.
“Angel, w-wait up…please.”
Angel just kept hopping along through the forest. Eventually the yellow Pegasus caught up to Angel after she lost him for a bit. She had to fly to find him though.
At this point, not remembering what happened, CJ just slept. He thought it was all a dream. That is until he felt something small and warm on his stomach.
“What the? Why is there a white fur ball on my stomach? Oh well, I’m still tired, and have a splitting headache. Might as well go back to sleep and let the headache die off.”
As CJ dozed off again he thought “haha, little white fur ball if kinda fluffy” with this he was out like a light again. Little did he know that that little white fur ball was in fact Angel. As soon as CJ fell asleep the yellow Pegasus found Angel, and wondered what he was doing with that thing.
“Angel w-what are you s-sleeping on?”
Angel just woke up, rubbed his eyes and gave her the “Took you long enough” stare.
When Angel began to wake up, CJ heard….something…that seemed vaguely familiar? “Ohh well, I guess it’s time for me to wake up anyways.”
CJ began to stir from his resting spot and began rubbing his head. “Ow, that fall hurt like hell” He looked around and saw nothing but a forest which he was surrounded by and a little white rabbit giving him the “What the fuck are you” stare.
“Oh it’s a rabbit” CJ slowly starts to put his hand out, only to be bitten by the rabbit. Even though it didn’t hurt that much, he just winced at the pain as the little rabbit teeth actually managed to break the skin.
Off in the bushes a little “eep” was heard. CJ looked over and saw the bushes shake a bit.
“Um…hello? Anybody there?” still unknowing to him, Angel was still biting down but not as hard. Angel stopped biting his hand, hopped around, and gave him the “Ok, you’re weird” look. However, for some reason Angel liked this guy. There was just something about him, he gave off that aura that animals have a natural attraction to.
----Earlier---
Fluttershy was watching what was going on from the bushes. “W-what is that thing? And w-why is Angel near it?
At this point was when CJ reached his hand out and watched as Angel bit him.
“Oh no, Angel don’t do that” she said as she began to walk out of the bushes, but the thing looked over in her direction. She let out a little “eep” and hid back in the bushes. She heard the thing talk. She heard “Um…hello?” at this point she just sat there, trying to think what this thing, or being was.
As Angel became used to CJ, he found he had something weird with him. Angel pointed over to the black case embroidered in silver and the words *CJ* in gold.
“Oh, that? That’s just my clarinet”
Angel gave him the “Uhhh what’s that?” kind of look.
CJ let out a little snicker at that. “It’s an instrument, you use a little piece of wood called a reed” CJ proceeds to pull out a thin piece of wood, maybe about 2-3 inches long, and proceeds to put it in his mouth so he could get it wet (no…quit thinking I was gonna go there…pervs).
He pulls out the reed and says, “Usually the instrument plays a whole lot better when the reed is wet, it helps it vibrate better.” (If you people are still thinking the way I think you are, shame on you, even though I smirked at my own writing a little).
He begins to put his instrument together, and Angel is giving you this “what are you doing” look.
“Don’t worry, it’s not a weapon of mass destruction or anything like that, it’s practically harmless. It just makes music.”
Fluttershy, who was still in the bushes watching this creature, unsure if it was good or bad. Then she saw he started putting something together. “What’s that black thing he’s putting together? Oh no, it must be some kind of weapon, oh I hope Angel will be ok.”
As CJ finishes putting his clarinet together, he finally stands up and looks around.
“Wait a fucking minute, where am I? This is, different; I’ll figure it out after I play my clarinet a little. I don’t need to skip my early morning practice, even though I do skip it every now and then.” He smirked at that thought a little.
He started playing the normal warm up scales he does every morning. Then after that, he finally got serious. He decided to play something soft and warming due to all the animals around in the woods. He started with Lullaby, which was a soft, warming song that usually put people to sleep. So he started playing, hearing the soft, heartwarming tone come from the clarinet just made him feel at ease, no matter where he was or how sad he was. Playing his clarinet put him into a whole different world, one where he could relax and enjoy the sound that he was creating through his instrument. Once he finished the song, he felt something small hit the side of his leg. It seemed like the music made Angel fall asleep.
Fluttershy listened as he played that weird thing he held in his hands. “What is that, that wonderful sound. It’s…calming……making……..me…no! must stay awake, for Angel’s sake.”
After he got done, she looked and noticed that Angel was asleep. “Oh no, w-whatever am I going to do? Angels over there sleeping by that…that…that thing and it’s just standing there looking around.
CJ bent over and picked the rabbit up and started walking through the forest, clarinet case on his back (yes it had a backpack strap on it).
“This looks all too familiar, like I’ve seen it somewhere before. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll hit me like a freight train when I figure it out.”
Little did he know, it would, and his life would change forever. For the good, or for the bad I don’t know, we will have to wait and see.
CJ started to walk towards something that looked like a house in the middle of nowhere. It was a lot different than the usual houses he’s used to seeing, it seemed kind of, small.
“Now that’s an odd house” Then, he saw all the animals walking and playing around the house. “Oh wow, so many animals, I love animals!” At that point he stopped. Angel was awake by now and just chilling on my shoulder.
“Hey Angel, do you live here by any chance?” He was still weirded out by how familiar this all seemed to be.
Angel just shook his head, affirming CJ’s question “So, want me to let you off here?”
Angel just looked at him, put his little paw out, and you knew this gesture.
“Sweet! Bro Fist!” They Bumped knuckles and as Angel jumped down, he gave you a look that said “You know what kid, your cool in my book.” And whit that Angel started to hop away.
“Hey wait!”
Angel stopped and turned around. CJ was just standing there opening his mouth, then closing it again, like he was going to say something but couldn’t. The annoyed rabbit tapped his foot at this, getting CJ’s attention.
CJ was being his shy self now, he always was when it came to asking questions. He just sighed, and said in a quiet like voice “Um…think I could see the other animals?” The little rabbit just gave him the “Did you seriously just do that?” look. Then after a few minutes of just standing there CJ does his usual “What” voice. The little rabbit just starts rolling on the ground laughing. “What’s so funny?” But whatever it was, it got him laughing too. After the laughing fit they had, the rabbit led CJ over to where the rest of the animals were.
CJ decides to look at his watch, wondering if the time is the same here as it was where he was from. He knew he was somewhere different, he just didn’t know exactly where he was. “Wow, it’s getting pretty late, I guess I better find someplace to stay.”
CJ looked up at his watch, and all the animals gave him the “Deer in headlights” look. It kind of made him smirk a bit. However, that smirk didn’t last long, he eventually wondered why they all ran off from him. Angel looked back at him and gave him an “I got this” look.
Angel came back later with the animals, and they were scared of him that’s for sure. They were very cautious, even the bear was scared of him. That kind of startled him a bit seeing a grizzly walk around from behind a house like that was…odd.
Eventually all the animals were gathered in one area, just setting there, staring at him with fear in their eyes. He walks up to them, gets down on one knee, and says “It’s all right, I have absolutely nothing that can harm any of you.” As he finishes that sentence, all the animals slowly start to walk over to you. After maybe 10 minutes or so, the animals are all over you. Playing, wrestling, and just watching you, wondering what you were.
During this whole thing, Fluttershy was watching everything. “H-how did he get all of my animals to like him that quickly? T-the animals are never attached to anyone to that extent that fast.”
Fluttershys shy nature backed off for a minute and curiosity took over. She started moving out of the bush and out into the night sky, the moon was shining bright, and it almost illuminated everything around her.
CJ looked to his left, and his jaw hit the ground, literally. A seal came up and slapped him on the back, making him face plant the ground. As CJ got back up, he saw, for sure this time what walked in front of him.
“No way, t-this can’t be poss- how is thi- what is going on? I knew this place was different, but”
What he saw blew his mind, no not literally this time, mentally. He started analyzing what he saw. He saw a Pink Pegasus with a long pink mane that curled near the end. She also had 3 pink butterflies on her flank, and gorgeous sapphire blue eyes. All she did was stand there for a while, hiding behind her mane. That is, until she spoke.
“U-u-um….how did…I mean..” she squeaked and backed off a little, then regained her ground. She knew this needed to be asked to this strange creature. “How d-did y-you g-get all my animal friends t-to l-like you t-that quickly.
Then Fluttershy heard something fall, It happened to be that weird creature she was trying to talk to.
CJ just looked, and heard her talk, and understood what she said, and he hit the ground. “The fuck? Did that pony just…talk? OH GOD! I REMEMBER OHHHHHHHHHH SHIT! DAMMIT!” At that point he face-palmed and recognized his words from earlier, there it was, the freight train. It had hit him, HARD. He now realized where he was, he recognized the bunny, the name of it, the house, and especially the pony since she was his favorite (alongside Luna).
“U-um are y-you ok?”
CJ continued cussing himself some more for not realizing it any sooner, he felt like one of the three stooges. Fluttershy let out a little squeak as you stood up. When you heard it you stumbled a bit. Hearing it on the show was ungodly cute, but hearing it in real life. MOTHER OF GOD IS WAS SO DAMN ADORABLE. I almost couldn’t hold myself back from hugging her.
“Yea, I’m fine, now if you excuse me I must go see someone.”
After he stood up, he looked around. Everything was much, smaller, than everything else in his world. But of course they were two totally different worlds.
“Why am I so tall, everything around me has…shrunk? I mean 6’3 is average on Earth, but this. Damn.”
He knew exactly where to go. He headed into Ponyville, thankfully it was dark and no one was around. Or so he thought. In the matter of seconds he entered Ponyville, he saw a blur of rainbow colored hair fly through the air.
“Finally, someone I may be able to talk to, and someone who may be able to guide me to where I want to go.”
But when he tried to stop the blur, he got hit by it instead. It tried to say something, but it was slurred due to the speed. He yelled “OW WHAT THE FUCK! I THOUGHT YOUD JUST LAND AND THEN I COULD ASK YOU TO HELP ME OUT, BUT NO YOU HAD TO GO FUCKING HIT ME AND MAKE ME DROP MY CLARINET CASE!”
It wasn’t so much that he got hit, he was used to it from his sister who picked on him all the time. But when it came to his clarinet and his iPod, he would get pissed even if his sister went near them. He acted completely different than when he was calm. This is how he is about the things he loves. As long as you don’t mess with those few things he’s fine. But if you go near them, or cause them harm in any way. He’d go into a full on rage mode and not calm down for a while. Usually when he gets mad he calms down just like that, but not when it came to this stuff. He stayed pissed for a good while, at least until he got some sleep in.
Since yelling at the Pony made her run off, or made her go do something else, CJ decided to roam Ponyville until he found what he was looking for. But he found exactly what he was looking for, along with 2 other additions.
It was Rainbow Dash, and somepony who was purple, and was a unicorn. He knew that one to automatically be Twilight. The other one had an orange coat, and had a cowboy hat on and a very bad country accent. He figured that one was Applejack, but it was dark so he couldn’t tell, he just guessed.
Once he looked at his clarinet case beside him, he saw it had a dent in it, which enraged him more than last time. “OH GREAT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME CASE!” He picks up the case, showing a very slight dent in it. “NOW I HAVE TO FIX THIS SHIT!” He started walking towards them, yelling at them. Rainbow dash was the first to act. She flew through the air, landing on CJ. By the time he saw that he was lying on the ground, her holding his arms down. He couldn’t help but laugh a little at their feeble attempt. He was calmed down now, he couldn’t stay mad at these ponies. They were too damn cute. He decided to get Rainbow off of him by tickling her under her wing, she fell over. Which was a bad move on his part, and he would soon regret it. He didn’t want to fight these ponies, back on earth, those ponies and his clarinet were the only escapes from reality he had. He stood up away from the rest of them looking down at Rainbow. He began to reach down to help her up, but the he heard a pony call out. “DON’T YOU GO NEAR RD YOU MONSTER!” CJ stood back up straight and turned around. “Sorry, I was just trying to-OOF.” When he started to say that while turning around, he saw two orange legs flying up towards his chest, and he didn’t have time to react. The legs connected with his Solar Plexus, and he heard bones crack, break, and organs get punctured by his ribs. He coughed up blood, and simply said “ow” in a very weak tone before passing out.
Rainbow stood up from her laughing attack that CJ caused, Applejack ran over to her.
“RD you alright, he didn’t hurt cha none did he?
“No he just tickled me so I would get off him, I was trying to say sorry for earlier. I was kinda flying a bit too low and hit him. He started yelling as I flew off, I’d never seen anything like him before so I thought I’d grab Twilight and you to come help me find this…thing that I hit by accident.”
“So you mean ah attacked him for nothing?”
“WHAT! YOU ATTACKED HIM, COULD YOU NOT HEAR ME LAUGHING”
“Ah though you were cryin’”
“AJ…we’ve got to get you off the farm more”
“Sorry Rainbow I Didn’t mean to hurt him ya know, It’s just.”
“I know AJ, but there’s no need to apologize to me, apologize to the one that’s out cold on the ground bleeding from where you kicked him.”
Twilight walked up to AJ and began to talk. “Ok girls, as we know this…thing is dying, so the best chance we have is to get him to the hospital right away.”
Little did they know a very shy Pegasus was watching this all go down. “Oh my, I-I hope he’s okay. I-I better go see him tomorrow. W-Wait, I just had a wonderful idea. W-When I go see him tomorrow I’ll take everyone with me, that way when he wakes up, he can meet everyone.”
With this idea fresh on her mind, she flies off back to her house to tend to her pets before bed. Meanwhile, CJ was in his own consciousness, wondering what the hell just happened.
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* authors note* Well, that’s my first chapter, sorry if I switched from 1st person, to 2nd person, to 3rd person. I get carried away with my writing and usually switch POV’s. I wanted to write more. But I have to make up chapter 2 tomorrow while I’m at school. Sorry if I did switch POV’s, just put them in 3rd person. This is a story about CJ in Equestria, not you or I. But, who knows, that may change in my future stories.
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This looks pretty good. I like it alot so tracking.
Hey, not bad.
(God I love breaking the comments)
Initial thoughts: So... You have to synopsis down pat for the next three chapters... any Idea on the release date?
Bottom line, this is really hard to read... This story at the moment is like an abstract painting, the painter gives zero (Or all) effort yet expects US to give the picture meaning. It is really easy to check a story before you post it. All I see is this:
"X happened, but Y happened as well... so therefor Z occurred, and it was (okay/wrong/bad/good)."
Let me level with you... This story, is not good so far (from an IB1 HL English Student's perspective).
I mean, the intro sucks, and as a result, character development sucks and overall plot... sucks. Really.
Now... Don't get upset, I'm giving you an outsider's opinion, something that EVERYONE needs when creating anything. Now also, if you have been here long enough, you'd (probably) know me by now... I get the prologue of these stories, and make them shine brighter then a diamond (Modesty? Wut R Dat? Can I eat it?). So here I go...
(Assuming that the time CJ is in his world is the Prologue)
YOURS:
This is a story about your average college student, who’s also in the marching band and plays the clarinet pretty well. He’s played the clarinet for 8-9 years, he’s lost track, and he always practices outside his house to the left. He has never liked to be around big groups of people, he’s always been the kind of person that secludes himself from society. From here, is where we start his story.
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It started as a normal day for CJ; he opened his clarinet case and started putting it together.
*sigh* You know, being single my whole life sucks. I just wish that I could find one person to make me happy. Sadly, after all of the heart breaks and rejections, I’m just better off alone. I’m just saying fuck it, I’m done, I’m better off alone….Ok time to stop with the self pity, I have practicing to do.
So with that, CJ started practicing his clarinet, playing soft, slow melodies with such care and grace that it just made everything more...peaceful. CJ has always let music be a big part of his life, he never goes anywhere without his iPod, and you would always see him listening to it everywhere he went. You would often hear the wubs coming from his headphones. He just blasted it as loud as he could and just kept walking on, not giving a fuck. But when he finished practicing he put his clarinet up and decided to take a nap.
“I hope I don’t wake up with any bugs or anything on else on me. I hate being afraid of spiders. It’s just something about the eyes that freak me out, just having 8 instead of 2.
At this point CJ shivers at the thought of waking up with one on his face. But, even with that on his mind, he decides to take a nap. Clarinet lying on his chest, he stares at the sun that’s slowly began to set under the horizon.
“Think I should go inside…naaaa, I’ll be fine, seriously, what could possibly go wrong?”
I’m pretty sure we all know to NEVER say that, and CJ soon learns not to as well. Most people mean it as a rhetorical question, but the worlds just says “No, fuck you, were doing it anyways”
So as CJ lies there sound asleep, then a slight rumble sounds from somewhere. CJ wakes up wondering what that noise was.
“W-what’s going on? Is it an earthquake or just a tremor?”
At that point he saw the ground started to crack around him, leaving him helpless as he just sat there waiting for the ground to bury him alive.
“Well, I’ve lived a good life I guess, even though I’ve never had a girlfriend. Damn, I wish I did. I would treat her like the way she’s supposed to be treated, protect her when she’s in trouble, and hold her when she’s scared or just needs a shoulder to cry on.”
After he said that, the earth just seemed to open up underneath him, leaving him floating in the air. He looked down to see a slight, colorful ripple in the ground. Not like the fire and lava you would expect.
“Why the hell am I floating? Wait, IM FLOATING? Since when could I float? And about the time CJ said that he looked down, again.
“Oh shit” and as usual whenever someone says that after they look down, he just falls into the…rift? I guess that’s what you would call it.
When he fell through, all he noticed was a beautiful sunset and the greenest grass he’d ever seen coming towards his face.
“Oh fuck m-“about that time CJ’s face makes full contact with the ground. His body just flattened out like a plank sticking up in the air, and he was fully unconscious as his body hit the ground, CJ snoring away like he was asleep.
MINE:
Cameron James, or CJ as he liked to introduce himself as, was a fairly shy person, never usually seen without his family or that far from his home. An individual, that was what he'd call himself... besides, he was too wrapped up with high school, clarinet and the internet to find solace in anything that isn't a music sheet for his instrument or not on Memebase. No one at his school could care less for his musical talent and he was bordering on depression... that was until he stumbled on a rather colorful picture of colorful creatures playing in a colorful world, he then searched more on that subject, soon after he was hooked. His music would wrap solely around this new topic, and a frown seen on his face was increasingly rare. He just felt like he wanted to smile.
Playing his music before then felt so bland, it tasted plain. No, the songs he plays derive from his very soul, or how he would explain it it would. It now felt like he was making music on his clarinet, not just making sound from his instrument. His songs have soul, a deeper meaning... kind of like how he'd explain himself actually. Deep and meaningful... he sighed, Yet so isolated and shy... he summed up. He had just finished his piece in the park he was playing in and decided to lay down for a break, his clarinet close to his heart, rising and falling in sync to his breathing, offering no warmth yet warming his heart at the same time. So symbolic as his clarinet was, it meant his life, it was meaning, without his clarinet CJ would be meaningless. He laughed as he rolled over to his case, took apart his clarinet, and packed it away. I find it funny how my life and meaning fits into such a small case... he chuckled, it was then he realized just how tired he was after playing his clarinet, he shrugged, The grass is comfortable at least... He used his clarinet case as a makeshift pillow as he drifted slowly of to sleep, watching as his eyes fell slowly in sync with the sun's golden rays... What am I? A poet now? he smiled as consciousness evaded him.
I've never been this content before...
It's like the clarinet and I are one now...
The clarinet is my soul...
My soul is my clarinet...
Breaks apart easily...
Yet, when together and handled properly...
Creates beautiful music...
...
Yep...
Definitely a poet...
A feint rumbling.
I'm still dreaming right?
That tremor wasn't real...
...
Right?
A harsher tremble.
I'm still dreaming...
It's not real...
...
Right?!
A tremendous tremor.
Holy fuck, I'm not dreaming this.
CJ abruptly awoke, it looked to be around midnight, the moon was above him, but it wouldn't stay still... wait... the moon doesn't move like that. Oh yeah, I'm shaking. He shot up and tried to stand but was knocked but down again from the force of the shaking. He was going to die if he stayed there he realized. He tried his standing again, to success. He got out of there as fast as he could... HOLY SHIT WAIT! MY CLARINET! He turned around to notice eroding cracks of the earth slowly making their way to the case. Leave it, Leave it leave it leaveit leaveit leevit leevitleevitleevitleevitleevit, FUCK! He finished thinking as he ran toward his clarinet, he slid as his approached his target and grasped hold of it, he tried to stand back up again but was too late, the ground opened up beneath him, and he... floated... there? What?
He opened his eyes that he didn't realized he had shut. He was slowly being turned around to face down. When he was facing down he expected to see the mantle of the world, but instead only blackness was seen... Until a dark blue orb appeared and exploded into a portal of sorts. He didn't have time for proper analysis on the bare fact that he was already speeding towards it.
Well, fuck.
END
So that's that, that is how I'd write it, but if this was my own story, I wouldn't post this until I have checked this and edited this three times. "This is only a first pass.
" Do tell me what you think of it
.
Quillo out...
318677 ...Dafuq?
Clarinet, really? I mean out of all the instruments in band you pick the clarinet. Think about after high school, when is playing a clarinet going to get you any pussy? Personally, I play guitar and I played alto sax in high school. At least alto sax is kind of cool, can impress women with it. You can't impress a woman with a clarinet. What is she going to say ,"Oh baby! You're g minor scale on your clarinet makes me so wet. Soak that reed you dirty boy." it isn't going to happen. You could've picked a flute and it would've been cooler (Flute and alto saxophone have the same fingerings with slight differences, if you can play one well you can learn other super easily.)
Secondly, Romance? Let me guess, you turn yourself into a pony after coming through a portal and fall in 'love' with one of the main six? Totally never been done before. Going to wait for more comments before I read this.
Okay... Normally I would have been the first to say this, but "318743" beat me to it. Writing a story, its painting a picture with words, and I gotta be honest, he knows what he is talking about. Getting one of his 'fixes' is an honor. That means your story was good, but has a LOT of potential that is currently buried. as for my own minor complaints, "Continuity" Knowing who knows what is very difficult. I admit. But Angel bunny is in fact, a male. so, this paragraph.
"Angel came back later with the animals, and they were scared of him that’s for sure. They were very cautious, even the bear she took care of was scared of him. That kind of startled him a bit seeing a grizzly walk around from behind a house like that was…odd."
Is a rip in the space time continuum, and should be rewritten or burned. "The bear she took care of." No. He doesn't know its fluttershy's yet, remember?
As for your fight scene, I warned you against this kind of line.
"The legs connected with his Solar Plexus, and he heard bones crack, break, and organs get punctured by his ribs. He coughed up blood, and simply said “ow” in a very weak tone before passing out." Okay, internal damage? Organ punctures, SERIOUSLY!? You are NOT a medical journal. Have you ever had internal damage or wounded organs? Cuz, you cant say "Oh ow my spleen" it doesn't work. the pain is in the region, but not focused like it is externally. And it burns a shit ton more. You also cant "Hear" organs getting punctured. I mean, seriously now. You can keep the 'Solar plexus' because most people will go "Oh you know, im sure he means somewhere on his chest" because of the breaking ribs. But, still trying to add suspense by adding the ability to feel internal damage, your just fishing for sympathy in your character. Thats a no no.
Taking those couple of fixes and a few typos, as well as using Quillos suggestion to "paint" instead of simply tell it, is all there really is. So far, its not horrible. And, I like the clarinet. so, that's a bonus. But, over all the story is... Good, but it needs a lot of improvement. However, as far as firsts go, you're starting off better then most people. So, yea. Good job man.
318743
I SOOOO hate you right now..
You're doing the thing I hate the most: MASSIVE EDITING / REWRITING THE STORY
For Cellys sake! I came here to read HIS story, written by HIM with HIS style! I don't want to read the 'perfect' rewrites made by 'pros'.. I want HIS story that contains HIS feeling put into it
THIS IS THE. WORST. THING. EVER!
Of course giving advice is different, but completely rewriting them ruins the whole thing for me...(Even if the rewrites are just examples, they may leave a emotional mark in them that stops them from doing their kind of stuff, cause they want the story to be "better"(also known as, your style). In this case, the story is ruined (at least for me)...)
318950>>318743 *sigh* so many haters
I happen to like this as it is!
Please continue! I don't care what others think of it, this story is good!
319089
They're not hating, are they?
At least Kintra is telling us his opinion about the story (good but requires improvement) and tells us WHY he thinks so.
As for Quillo, I'm not even going to think about it. I'm still raging at him and I don't feel like buying new monitor this year
319167 well, i guess so... and i also don't want to have to buy a new moniter (literally, i once got so mad i punched my moniter across the room)
Ok, not holding grudges. I am completely new to this site. English is my worst subject. I dont know how to describe stuff very well, and I basically suck at writing, hands down. But you guys say that I have potential, and looking at everyone's comments has made, good or bad, and I don't take it as hating. Its just their personal opinion on my story. It's a free country, and everyone's open to their own opinion, good or bad. And Quillo, no hard feelings. Your trying to make me a better writer, and you too Kintra, and I respect that.. And on the whole bones breaking thing, no, I have never broken a single bone in my body, well, maybe my toes cause I stub them so much,
but I thought you meant describe how many bones were broken, what he felt puncture, etc. And no need to be punching monitors across rooms either, that still pretty funny though. I did have chapter two almost done, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts if i should put it up or not. It may be a few days before I do so. Like my friend said this morning, "you don't want to write on it too much, cause you may burn yourself out." This story is just off the top of my head, literally. I just got done reading some and thought, you know what, I'm going to make my own Fanfic. Now, that I've started, I have to keep going. Im not one who leaves things unfinished. Ill try to become a better writer, but thanks for all the comments and opinions. They shall be recorded and used for future references.
Btw thanks for the whole bear thing Kintra, I'll make sure to fix that right away
I re-read Quillos story, and i liked it, It was good, very good. And NotABrony, the clarinet is personally my favorite instrument, besides trumpet and barry sax. You were...almost correct about the romance part. Not releasing any spoilers. But yes, I can play guitar as well, not much, but I can play it. Hate all you want, I mean yea, never had a gf, never done anything with a girl basically besides hug. Do i really give a fuck though? Not really, I decided not to worry about relationships in high school. High school is supposed to be one of the funnest times in your life, along side college. After that, it just gets dull. Besides, I plan on waiting till I get married before going all the way. So yea, say what you want.
Honestly... though, this is how I responded to your responses.
318950
arch.413chan.net/brohoof-%28n1293574743684%29.png
319053
). Why did I just type in Spanish? To state my point that's why. METAPHORICAL ENGAGEMENT MODE! Imagine that he wrote this in Spanish, and you can almost understand it. Then I come along, translate it to english, and you can read it. All I did was translate his soul/words/feeling from his words into story written words. So people that don't have my translating abilities can read it. (Btw: ¿Puedes tu lees palabras españoles? = Can you read Spanish words?)
¿Puedes tu lees palabras españoles?
No, didn't think so (Least I hope not
319089 I never said I hated the story. Just that way it was presented. And I don't like it the way it is, so do many others like me.
319146 I like you
319167 Was that the smash I heard, did you honestly 'rage' over my comment? Really? I should do it more often.
And besides, it's obvious that you have thought about it, considering the fact that you commented back on it, but really thinking is a good habit to learn. Besides, considering that you have brought up the subject too many times, your mind will do anything but avoid said topic.
There, I think I wrapped things up, now... I must go! The IB1 awaits!
Quillo out...
319889 ... in your avatar... what's with the way you're staring at the pony?!?!
319889 Brohoof? .... i162.photobucket.com/albums/t260/volvaga/_89510b2adbf76041205a1ee5b5e5cd6c.gif
319847 Yup, not a problem man, as I said, your story has a lot of potential, and being one who rights just from the top of his head (I did for my first story) Eventually, yea you will burn yourself out. But, for me, it's become a process, Write out the story how you feel it should be, and then reread it. An area you feel deserves more "Fluff" fluff it! You see a typo, or a place where the story breaks, fix it. For me, I write the story, and then go through and improve it. If I sent in my 'bare bones' chapters, they would look a lot like yours does now. The general story, without focusing on detail and other things like that, so I think, just go through and try and fluff out some areas, like when your character first "Fell" into the area. He took it surprisingly well, try and flesh out his feelings, I mean, he is waking up in a random area that is not his room.
Try placing yourself in their shoes, and then be realistic about it. I know for a fact most of us would flip our shit if we suddenly woke up in the middle of a forest.
God, im ranting again. I do that, sorry. In general, take your time. go over your chapters, make them a little more emotionally real. His reaction to fluttershy was okay, I mean, kinda. He sees fluttershy and falls, but he sees the three others and just kinda, "Oh hai."
I'm sorry, im done.
I think I've decided on a solution. I may let this go for 3 or so chapters, then something will happen. Then I will make a sequel, telling the story I was wanting to tell, but in a better way. Or....TOO MANY OPTIONS...I know this is MY story and I write it how I choose but....I want people to understand it. I know some have that *ability* that Quillo (btw I understood what you said in spanish
), which I do. But now, I have to think of a median. Where both can understand it without trying so hard. Dang it 
319889
Spanish, WTF?
The story was already clear english for me. It was actually a lot better than MANY other stories 'round here
And about the raging thing, I just got TOTALLY MAAAADDDDDD
(Yep, I'm overexaggerating)
), but...
when you came and rewrote the whole thing. Sure, your version was... a LOT better to read (and understand
I just go total rage when someone just rewrites the story. It's the same as I would go "Lol ok I did dis and dat", my "editor" makes it into a story with his epik leet skillz and I go and publish it as mine, and people enjoy and compliment it. I just.. WHY THE HELL MAKE FICS IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU DON'T WRITE THEM
Sure, most people need help with grammar etc., which can be fixed by having proofreaders, who FIX those errors. It's different from what you did, since you rewrote the whole story in better form... It just.. Doesn't feel his anymore..
PS:
What smash are you speaking about? I don't remember punching my monitor.. It was a overexaggerated example.
Many
here. God, im an idiot. But honestly, thats how I react to strange places. Im the kind of person who stays calm in panicky situations. God....so MANY 
I need a redo
(Gotta love them comment breaks)
319847 <- This, guys, is the potential of a good writer.
Ideas, style, characterization etc. have a small part in being a good writer, what matters is how you take criticism, and you took it amazingly well. Good job.
318797>>319887 I don't see why not clarinet, it's different. I depict the clarinet as calm, smooth, moving, uplifting, enlightening and spiritual, I honestly don't see why you shouldn't pick the clarinet. Music is an art, like story writing but through different means. The instrument just decides what color you use, how heavy the brush strokes and the size of the brush. Be creative, read one word and understand two.
Quillo out...
(Yep... Definitely an artist...)
319970
1) What are you doing here if you don't understand the meaning of a metaphor?
2) I didn't post this story under my own name silly, I assumed the role of his editor and edited it using my flare, it's up to him to increase it furthermore.
3) (Engaging TOK mode) The only reason that it doesn't feel like his any more is because that he posted his original then I edited it, had he sent the prologue to me then I edited it without saying anything... It would 'feel' like his wouldn't it? On the bare fact that you had no Idea that I was here.
4) (Referencing the smash)
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
319898 Dunno really, the program said 3, 2, 1 and this happened. 'Sides... I have a pony in my hand... Your argument is invalid. *Snobbish huff*
Quillo, your the man. Right now im stressing on how i should do chapter two. I had it ready to go on my iPod. But now that i read all this. I want to redo it all, all 4,000 words of it (rough estimate). Thats the main reason i chose the clarinet, I used to be in precussion. However, i soon got bored of that. I needed something with a bit more...variety. I saw the flute, but it wasn't for me. The trumpet, good instrument yes, very good with jazz, and overall good sounding instrument. I needed something that would fit me. Im weird at times, very weird. Im overall weird, my band director says I invented weird, which at times i believe. Once I started playing the clarinet, I just fell in love with it. It was the instrument for me. I just liked the way it felt, the way it sounded, the way it just...synced with me. Music is usually the way I express myself. When I play the clarinet, I just feel so calm, just like all my worldly problems just...go away. It's just me and the music, the way it should be. I want to play jazz, cause that has randomness in it. For now though, I'll stick with the slow, caring, uplifting melodies. I guess that can describe the kindness in my heart, I'm a very nice person, never get mad...annoyed yes, never mad. I guess thats why when your in a band and playing a soft song like that, there's always that evil sounding low brass section that decides to slowly sneak its way in untill it overpowers the kindness and softness the song is supposed to show. Then it's a struggle between the sound. Who can overpower the other, usually the soft and caring side of the song looses, Which is when I bring it up an octave. I look at it this way. Music is the universal language. It describes feeling, emotion, sadness, happiness, fun times, sad times, and can describe feelings when words cannot. Some people take music for granted, and use it to help them get things (for instance sex, other stuff, etc...) I'm not saying thats a bad way of looking at it. People have their own opinion in music. To me, music is the most wonderful thing in this world (besides Fallout and Ponies). Music has been my life, and i describe my life through my instrument. I play sad songs, happy songs, funny/ crazy songs, heck, even the Halo theme song. Music will always be with you wherever you go, it'll never let you down. When you're all alone, there's always a song, or something you can think of that wont make you feel like your totally alone. Yes, you'll still be alone, but having that song in your head will make you that much happier, knowing there's something to keep your mind off of the loneliness. Music, Fallout, Ponies, these are things I will never let go of in life, and even in death. I will love all 3 till the very end. Music is my way of life, and I wouldn't choose anything else over it.
Yea....kinda got carried away XD....i hate it when i do this.
320186 ... Have a picture.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln8eqbZJqd1qbxl92o1_500.gif
That was the voice of a true artist... now... Replicate that emotion into your story writing and add that to your list of talents.
(Btw, Elder Scrolls over Fallout.
)
320148 <*STARES AT PONY*> ummmmm, ableben? <*jumps onto your head*> ... <*licky licky licky*> DAFUQ!?!?!?!
Lol if only it were that easy. Just like the flip of the switch then *Boom* master writer. Pffffft I wish. Its going to take some work to get used to this. But all i can say is COME AT ME BRO!
Btw i like all the games from bethesda...i no life skyrim, fallout, and Oblivion equally...well oblivions out cause of Skyrim, but you get the point XD
320148
And my point is understood in the exactly wrong way. I shall stop this useless chat and go learn english properly, since it seems like nothing I try to explain is understood in the way I want it to....
Thee shall have a nice day...
320221 Try writing to your favourite music that matches the scene nicely.
Por ejemplo:
Epic scenes: Songs like, Game over (Simba remix) by LDUK or First of the Year (Equinox) By Skrillex
Sad scenes: El Mariachi by Robert Rodgriguez or Sleep to Dream (Swimming with dolphins) by Klaypex or With you, Friends (Long drive) By Skrillex or Beyond by LDUK
Romance scenes: Summit by Skrillex, Part Me Part You by LDUK, Room Of Anger Jungle by LDUK or even Cyper Tranquility by LDUK
Quiet scenes: MOON by LDUK, Game Over (Xactyl remix) by LDUK
These are just some suggestions, you can use these, or your own. (PS LDUK MUSIC IS ALL FREE!)
(YES I'm a technofreak)
Quillo out...
So am I....Those Wubs...but usually I listen to music made by fellow bronies like micthemicrophone, The Living Tombstone, DJAlexS, WoodenToaster, etc....along with skrillex...and yea, usually for fight scenes i put in a little FFDP (Five Finger Death Punch).
However, I have one question. I was reading back on my chapter two i previously wrote, now being revised. I figured out i outsmarted myself, which happens often...is it alright if I PM you about it Quillo and get your outlook on it?
Music I'd choose for scenes
Epic Scenes: Back for More - FFDP, Hell - Disturbed, Raise Hell - Hed PE, Kyoto - Skrillex, Rock n' Roll - Skrillex, Generation Dead - FFDP, Meet the Monster - FFDP, Menace - FFDP (One of my favs by this band), Wont Back Down - Eminem, any many, many more choices.
Sad/ Depressing scenes: Remember Everything - FFDP, The Tragic Truth - FFDP, Pins and Needles - Billy Talent, Far From Home - FFDP, Crying in The Rain - ItaloBrothers, and many more there too.
Romance: One Shot - Landsdowne, (Typical) Every Time We Touch - Cascada, It must Have been Love - ItaloBrothers, Love is On Fire - ItaloBrothers, (dont have that many here, wasnt much for them back in my depression rut, now i dont care as long as its good.)
320268
Thou shall not utilize Shakespearean English incorrectly.
Thy line should be as follows:
Thou shall have a nice day
I ask thou to learn and use the Old English correctly or you could just speak normally.
320213 The only thing I understood... dafuq?
320530 well, Tenshura (me) speaks like this, while
<ableben, speaks in these> 2 different OC's (okay, there are technically 13, but the others arent here right now)
well, ableben jumped onto your head and began licking you
I think he was referring to that little pony you have in your hand there. Like it just, comes to life, jumps on your head and starts licking your hair XD...I think XD
320524
CBA.
And it doesn't really matter as long as you can understand it
320556 That's okay as well!
320540 Quillo is actually the name of my pony... Steve is my actual name. Steve starts with an 'Ess' and I'm a man, EssMan. :D
(Oh and, clonetrooperkev gave me Manar.)
Well, I've started redoing the 2nd chapter...and its a WHOLE lot better than the original, like night and day. but theres still a ton more to write. All i can say is thanks for the help Kintra and Quillo, you guys corrected me from a path of awefulness and non descriptive chapters-ness XD. From now on I vow to make my chapters more descriptive....no I have to come up with more descriptive words -_-..ohh well with school, Spanish, Games, This,and Band, ohhh man. I'm going to be one busy little man over the summer. And Quillo, The way you took that crappy chapter one and made it into....that...you sir, are truly a master at writing fanfics. I am honored to have you judge my chapters XD...dont get me wrong Kintra. I respect you both as very talented writers, and I'm glad your both supporting me to do my best. Now, comes that hard part. BACK TO Ch.2! Not sure if it will be good though, maybe a slight improvement, I hope.
320851 Remember, the second try is Always, ALWAYS better then the first, and the third? Even better.
Yea, I decided to take a break and kill some reapers before i start up again. And the 3rd may be slightly better than the second. I hope, and ill try my hardest to make it worth reading.
320847 well, then steve, there's one of my OC's currently on your rather wet head who is (for some reason that escapes me) licking your head.
321028
*Picks up tiny pony*
"Why are you licking my face?"
321309 <*tounge stretches and sticks into your ear*>
321340
*Picks up scissors*
"You know what I can do with these?"
321418 <*another tounge comes out and sticks in your other ear*>
SINCE WHEN DO HORSES HAVE 2 TONGUES!
321470 *uses scissors to cut tounges*
"Take that, you abomination!"
321476 weeeeeeeell, you don't want to know...
Well now, not the horse cant talk. Great job Quillo XD.
now*