J Dog and Stardust. Close and unbreakable friends. They stick together through everything. Even if they are complete opposites they won’t abandon one another. Now itâ€
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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4032853 That was the initial idea. But that isn't what he is. In fact he's moved back and is really the opposite of that idea. I'd suggest reading the story itself before stating a character as iredeemably evil, as he's worked progressivly forward towards change.
4034131
Eh, he was creepy as sin with Vinyl and such. Like... his 'powers of being mildly courteous at best' border on mind control, tbh. It's like he's vaguely nice to Octavia and Vinyl, and suddenly he's their bestest (fuck)buddy, all while considering Vinyl something for Star to enjoy. She's not a person, she's just something to give to your best friend . Porn logic at its finest.
It's just the fact that you could hold that up (in the author note, that is) as a protagonist we were meant to sympathise with is rather gross, honestly. Whether he turns out that way in the end doesn't really matter, because from my perspective reading chapter one, you're basically lauding a rage-happy rapist as a sympathetic character. The fact that you were willing to pretend at the time that he'd still be sympathetic after doing this stuff is the reason I'm saying you have a jacked up view of morality.
I'm pretty much introduced to these guys thinking about who they'd like to add to their 'pack', apparently without any thought for whether that pony wants to be in that pack, much in the same way they'd describe collecting trading cards. 'Hey, I like the look of that zebra over there. She will be mine! (literally)' Nope, nothing creepy whatsoever about that. That, and the entire story just has this... atmosphere of 'I have you now my pretty'. Methinks it might be the suspicion that the authors had their dicks in one hand while writing with the other. It certainly has that atmosphere, as if a lech is constantly breathing down your neck as you read.
It's... well, sadly it's things like this that utterly ruin my goodwill for characters. They had their chance, and they became unsympathetic pretty much immediately, and that's pretty much where my desire to see them develop ends. I mostly just wanted to say that I tried to like this, but... oh god, the way these guys talk, and the way they are around women, it just makes my spine crawl.
4034337 To date no one has been forced to join the pack. They were given the option on whether or not they wanted to. You really seem to think that everyone's writing has to fit your definition of 'good' we've been working on this for quite some time now. If you actually took the time to read any further you'd actually see that neither J nor Star is a rapist. And for the character descriptions they were original ideas that were changed before we even started chapter 2. So unless you care to read on and see how it's changed then you shouldn't be criticizing or hating on either character.
4034430 but that's the issue here. regardless of if he took the time to read further, as the reader he should be given something by the author that'll keep the reader wanting to read. thus far, the reader has been completely turned off from the story, and wants nothing more to do with it. you didn't offer him anything substantial in the story besides a flimsy promise that "it gets better later dude!"
4034430
It's more that your character didn't really build any goodwill before he started thinking of other characters as his property. My desire to see them grow and develop pretty much evaporated at that moment. I did read on for about three chapters worth, but I couldn't bring myself to like them much after watching J Dog think about Vinyl as if she were a cock-sleeve. Well... maybe. He's not showing so much of that side up to chapter five, but the thing with Chrysalis would've turned out horribly if not for porn logic dictating that she actually wanted to be fucked.
Here's a thing... if the character concepts had changed that much, why didn't you edit chapter one to fit with the others? Why does it still have that author's note about J Dog being a trigger happy rapist? I mean, if he's not that character, why would you keep the description when it's only going to put people off and make him look really bad? Doesn't make a lot of sense.
To be fair, I didn't even get into how these are blatantly wish-fulfilment characters, or how the story switches tenses apparently at random. All the random details that don't make sense, the random capitalisation in the middle of sentences, or how the romance is very rushed indeed.
I'd definitely see if you can get someone to do some editing, though. Especially chapter one. That author note... seriously, I'd just remove that if it's inaccurate, because it's actively harming your story. I mean, at first I was just really angry you were trying to pass this guy off as a sympathetic protagonist, but having read on, it's actually coming across as more of a mediocre pornfic with occasional forays into creepy subtext. Not much different from a lot of pornfics, tbf, because they can be absolutely awful with their subtext.
P.S. Did you know that capitalising after an ellipsis is wrong? I noticed you guys do that all the time.
4034687 I completely understand if you don't like it. As a writer I am a little disappointed but as a person I respect your choice. I honestly write with Patric because it's fun and it passes the time. Not that much planning goes into it and I just write what comes to mind at the time. I wish you a very good day sir!
4034717
Heh, yeah... I think my initial opinion was very heavily coloured by the first chapter, which is the worst I've read of the first five. Just once, though, I'd like to read a werewolf story that doesn't involve dog penises or angst. It's usually one or the other, if not both. Turning into a super-powered wolf is a pretty sweet gig, like diet-Wolverine, and it's usually either used to fuck everything that moves (rape subtext optional) or used as a vehicle for wangst. Just one!
Wish you luck, though. That's an absolute monster of a story you've written.