Twilight Sparkle and the Witch Baby

by Brony_Fife

Chapter 6: Pinkie Pie's Pirate Playtime

CHAPTER 7—Pinkie Pie’s Pirate Playtime

Pinkie Pie grumbled as she mopped the ship’s deck. The weeks she spent in Gearlotte were simply not fun. In fact, if there was a word to describe it, it would be “pooptastic”.

Pinkie Pie had had it up to her frizzy pink mane with the political quagmire of Gearlotte. It was always loud, and smelly, and the people were as pleasant as a hideous rash (Though she wanted to scratch them sometimes, she admitted they never really made her feel itchy). She couldn’t find her way around the city—but when she tried to ask for directions, she would be met with hostile intentions. Absolutely no one in this town seemed to share her idea of friendship or fun.

When she had realized what a hostile and dangerous place this was, Pinkie Pie decided it was time to leave. But oh yeah, she couldn’t tell her way around the place, so how was she going to leave?

That was when, one day, she found herself in the docks. There were many different sailing ships—some that spat smoke from great chimneys, and others that motored forward through fuel; big ones, small ones, fat ones, thin ones, regal ones, simple ones. It was like a big parade of different kinds of boats.

Pinkie Pie got up on her hind legs, resting her forehooves on a railing, taking in the grand sight of this parade. She had never seen so many boats in one place! One ship let out a blast from its horn, as if to greet her as it found a place to drop its anchor. (She greeted it back with a wave.)

In addition to boats there was a salty smell in the air, a salty feel to the ground she walked on, and there were salty sailors everywhere. If she wanted this much salt at once, she’d find a genie and wish for nothing but salt forever. But she didn’t know where one could find a genie, especially since they’re supposed to live in lamps. Maybe she’d ask where she could find one, since that whole salt thing sounded like a neat idea.

Anyway, so she’s by the sea, sailors everywhere. The thing Pinkie Pie had always heard about sailors was that they were all crazy because they spent months at a time in the sea. She didn’t know they could also be perverted and hostile. Pinkie Pie figured this out the hard way.

“Hey there, pretty thing,” said a round, dented old Steamer. His face had long, crooked pipes hanging from it—it reminded Pinkie Pie of her daddy’s beard, only bushier. And pipier. Then he invited her to do something Pinkie Pie didn’t think sounded safe—something about standing upside down and wiggling. She didn’t like the sound of it, so she declined.

That’s when the sailor called up his mates. He explained Pinkie Pie thought she was too good for a Steamer, to which Pinkie Pie retorted that it wasn’t that she didn’t like Steamers, it was that she didn’t like his idea of standing upside down and wiggling. They all laughed. Then they drew their knives. Pinkie didn’t think they liked her explanation, so she tried again, this time in song.

I’m not a fan of wiggling while I’m upside-down
I’m really sorry if what I said caused you to frown
It’s not that I don’t like you, in fact I like your beard
It’s long and pipey and tangley, it’s all kinds of crazy-weird
Did that last comment make you mad?
No, seriously, please PUT DOWN THOSE KNIVES ARGHHH!

Pinkie Pie had been attacked in the middle of her song and began to high-tail it throughout the wharf. Just when she’d thought she’d lost them, there they were. She had to make creative use of some hiding places—inside a trash-can, under a small bridge, behind a lamp-post (they’d never think to look for her there!)—and before long, she’d lost them finally.

“Oh, hello, Pipe-Beard Guy,” she said to the Pipe-Beard Guy. And his friends. With the knives. Who were surrounding her. Because they had found her.

Poopie.

Just before the sailors tried to cut her up, someone whooped and hollered. Suddenly, more whoops and hollers were joined. Pinkie turned her head in the direction of the sound, and saw

ponies? Really? There were other ponies here? Pinkie Pie felt comforted at the sight.

The sailors all began to run, realizing what hell they’d brought. So here came her rescuers: three earth ponies and a Pegasus, all male. They were dressed in shabby clothing that Pinkie imagined Rarity never approving of. Their manes were of dark colors (except for the Pegasus, his was a bright blue—or could have been, had he bathed regularly), and their coats were dark brown, brown, light brown, and not brown (that is, orange), respectively.

“What’s a pony like you doin’ here?” asked one of the brown Earth ponies. His accent was rough and rugged, but held a kinder tone than the previous sailors.

Pinkie Pie tried to explain her situation: her run-in with the Clown, an exploding party house, weeks on end of getting lost and hiding in trashcans, and so on. In the middle of her story, one of them put his hoof over her mouth, telling her he’d heard enough.

They told her that since it was rare to meet fellow ponies in Gearlotte, they’d buy her a drink. Pinkie Pie declined, as she didn’t like the taste of oil (the fact she couldn’t digest it being another reason). The ponies all looked at each other and laughed heartily.

“I like your sense of humor,” said one of the three Earth ponies. “It’s true that Gearlotte be a Machina-centered town, but here in the porting district, the bars all cater to different types.” He swept his hoof over the entire port behind him. “This here be a wonderland of travelers, m’lady.”

Indeed it was. Pinkie hadn’t noticed it before while she was running and hiding, but there were more creatures here than she’d find in a zoo. Machina walking about, ponies, griffons, Satyrs, Imps (The Pegasus warned her to stay away from them, they were nothing but trouble), Skaven, werewolves of multiple origins, all kinds of creatures, really.

So they went to a bar. It was dark and loud and smokey on the inside. On stage was a band of Machina performing for an audience that didn’t seem too terribly interested in their music (A sad song about being lost at sea). Letters were spelled on the walls in bright blue and red lights advertising different drinks and a “Happy Hour.”

One of the Earth ponies looked around and found their other fellows at a table. There were quite a few pony sailors here; Pinkie Pie took note that most of them were Earth ponies, with the remainders being pegasi. When she asked why no unicorns were in their group, one replied no unicorns applied for any sailing positions. They all laughed, Pinkie joining in.

Excusing the joke, the pony replied more honestly that unicorns were rarer in parts of the world: the further away you got from Equestria, the fewer unicorns you’d meet. “In fact,” the pony added, “of all three kinds o’ ponies in the world, unicorns is the most rare.” Pinkie Pie wondered why that was.

So they shared drinks and stories. Grand yarns of supernatural encounters while at sea. She shivered at the story of Captain St. Elmo—a ghost of a pirate captain that wandered the oceans forever in search of his lost ship. Pinkie Pie innocently wondered aloud if anypony knew where his ship was. Then they could tell him where it was and he’d leave everypony else alone. Another round of laughs from the sailor ponies. “Why didn’t WE think o’ that!”

Pinkie listened intently to the epic tale of how one pony (a dark blue Earth pony stallion once known as Weigh Anchor, but now known as “One-Leg”) had lost three of his legs in a fight against a mighty giant (They were looking for treasure, and it just so happened to have been buried in the giant’s back), and if it hadn’t been for their medic, he wouldn’t have lived to tell the tale.

Pinkie Pie thought these grand sailors were wonderful ponies who had great adventures—and after two weeks of putting up with the nonsense of Gearlotte, she was just happy to be around other ponies. As she finished her drink, she noticed a little slip of paper that was taped to the bottom. Reading it, it said, “This drink was drugged. Have a nice nap, deck hand."

Thud.

*****

And now she was here, swabbing the deck and cursing her luck. She was befuddled that her Pinkie Sense didn’t seem to be working: it didn’t warn her of the Steamer sailors who tried to kill her, and it didn’t warn her not to trust the pirate ponies. It also did not warn her to not drink the ginger beer. What was going wrong?

She noticed she felt dizzy and weak after she had woken up at the birthday party. Pinkie wondered if her dizziness was what was interfering with her Pinkie Sense, and hoped it would return. The Pinkie Sense, I mean. (The dizziness wasn’t all that fun.) Without it, it seemed like she was constantly in danger.

Pinkie’s eyes travelled across the ship. She was told its name was the Sleipnir, which was hard for her to pronounce at first. The design for the ship was actually quite fearsome: black wood finish, black flags, black sails—everything about this boat screamed “STAY AWAY!” The sides of the ship were adorned with spikes in case any ship was silly enough to try siding it. The front of the ship was shaped into a screaming unicorn-head, its eyes eerily glowing red (don’t worry, it was really just torches). The back however, was pretty high, with spooky, gothic-styled windows. Pinkie was told that was for the Captain’s cabin.

The cloudy sky was just as intimidating as the Sleipnir: thick and blackening, billowing, and piling up. So many dark clouds, so much howling wind. The ocean waves slapped at the sides of the ship, as if in a contest of who was stronger. If Pinkie were the ship, she’d have handed the waves her crown and call it a day.

One of the pirates (One-Leg, as a matter of fact) broke her from her inner thoughts and barked at her to work faster. He was decidedly a lot less friendly now that she’d been Shang-Hai’d. She noticed his right leg was not so much a peg-leg as it was a weapon: at the foot was a round metal ball perfect for clubbing. Pinkie didn’t think she wanted One-Leg to introduce it to her, so she returned to her swabbing.

One-Leg walked by her (thunk-thunk-thunk-clop, thunk-thunk-thunk-clop) on his way to yell at other sailors doing cleaning jobs. Pinkie noticed several of them didn’t seem like they were sailors, and mused that she was not the only pony to get forced along for the ride.

Later that evening, while they were having their dinner (a modest head of steamed lettuce… to share), she learned from her fellow kidnap-ees some more about their predicament. They were sailing in search of treasure (which was exciting), being led by the famous Captain Keelhaul (also exciting) and his new Pirate Queen (even more exciting), and that they were all probably going to die (Not so exciting).

A few days passed, and Pinkie Pie’s attitude began to brighten. She decided to open up again to her pirate captors. She was always the kind of pony to try to make the best of a bad situation (No matter how bad!) and assumed that if she and her fellow kidnap-ees would get along better with the pirates, they’d be less of a hassle.

She attempted what she knew as “kenning”—a process involving getting a feel for another pony. At this point, Pinkie Pie knew better than to start an idle conversation with them, and instead listened in on things they found interesting. It was the usual thing: beer, women, what they’d do when they got home and got paid. She found it strange that, despite that there were in fact mares aboard the ship (many of them pirates themselves; the remainder were talented cooks), they didn’t at least try hitting on them.

When she asked one of her fellow captives this question, he answered that they weren’t allowed to behave in any way inappropriate with the mares because of the orders by Captain Keelhaul—who would give his name meaning should this rule be breached. So just to be safe, they all just stayed away from the mares completely. He added that it was likely a suggestion given to him by his wife the Pirate Queen. Pinkie Pie thought that was unusually gentlecoltly for a pirate.

After some time spent getting a feel for them, Pinkie Pie decided it was time to start conversations with them. At first, they were reluctant to doing so, as they were afraid of saying something a mare would take the wrong way and getting keelhauled for it. But when they did, Pinkie Pie paid the offensive statements no mind, focusing instead on just making friends with them.

The pirates ended up admiring Pinkie Pie for her tolerance of their pirate-manners (which is to say they didn’t have any manners at all) and her genuine interest in what they had to say. She wasn’t quick to scold them, but would give them advice on how to talk to, and behave around, mares. She taught them that mares had a special, different mindset from stallions, and to understand them, one needed to think from their perspective. To wit: mares don’t like being hit on by every stallion they meet, and if one really wanted to hit on a mare, they’d need to be clever about it; mares enjoy it when a stallion actually listens to them when they talk; and so on. After taking her advice, the pirate stallions were on better terms with the pirate mares.

It wasn’t long then that Pinkie and a few of her fellow captives (who had also taken up her idea) were almost seen as full-blown crew members. Evening would fall, and Pinkie and her compatriots would be invited to drink with them and eat from their table. There, she got a glimpse of their Captain.

*****

She’d never forget the moment he came into that mess hall. It was an unusual event for certain, as the Captain would often eat in his own chamber these days, but she was told he liked being around his pirate company. As he descended the steps into the mess hall, the normally rowdy and loud pirates began to hush.

He was a big fella for an Earth pony (Pinkie Pie placed him around Big Macintosh’s size), his long black beard with stripes of red running through them braided in a complicated pattern. His black beard was accompanied by an equally dark and imposing mane of black hair, which was then accompanied by his black tail (which also had the red stripes). His coat was a handsome kind of darkness. In the poor lighting of the mess hall, he seemed like a giant shadow pretending to be a pirate.

His Captain’s jacket was fancy: a royal blue with gold lace embroidered in a beautiful pattern all along its sides. His tall captain's hat had exotic and colorful feathers dangling from the side. Those red eyes of his were authoritative and steely; his gaze would make mares melt and stallions do whatever he commanded. The Captain’s cutie mark was a skull-n-crossbones holding a cutlass in its teeth. His voice was like a rumble, but elegant as a song, and he never spoke in such a way that would be deemed rude or illiterate. It was evident that while a pirate, he was a learned pony with great tastes.

His company was very welcome in the face of these pirates, who while much more polite around mares now, were still very crude anyway (only now they were crude in a way the mares all found entertaining). This night, in fact, was the first night the mares and stallions actually felt comfortable around each other.

While his presence was at the table, everypony was on their best behavior—and it seemed that this was not done out of fear for the Captain, but for admiration instead. This pony was a pirate amongst pirates, his exploits great and many; and with his experience, knowledge, and regal nature came a great respect and admiration from his crew.

As the dinner commenced and conversation flew, he seemed amused by Pinkie Pie’s enthusiasm for adventure (and for everything else, actually). When he asked her about one of her adventures, she told them the story of her battle against Discord.

The Captain dropped his mug. One of the pirates nearby picked it up and hoofed it back to him. “Discord?!” he said in disbelief, breaking his almost-godly image for the first time. “The God of Chaos, Discord? He was supposed to have been put away for good! Encased in stone!”

Pinkie saw her chance to be a great storyteller. And she pounced on it.

“Oh, he was—by the Princesses of Night and Day themselves, no less!” She got on the table, leaned down and looked across the room sweeping her hoof slowly, pointing at the pirates present. “But there came a day when the hearts of ponies the world over lost their way, inviting him back into the world!” she said dramatically. One particularly tough-looking pirate removed his bandana from his bald head and bit into it, afraid of the story that came next.

“Before the Princesses even knew what was going on, the surreal began to happen!”

“Aye,” the Captain said, “He always started with small things—childish pranks, really.”

“Exactly!” Pinkie agreed. “Puffy clouds of cotton candy, chocolate rain, popcorn plants… but it didn’t take long for things to begin getting worse. And then it came time for me and my friends to do battle with Discord!” While she told them of this story, she made grand sweeping motions with her front hooves, as if she were a theatre actress. The pirates cringed as she told them of what Discord did to each of the six Elements of Harmony, one by one, breaking them. One particularly tough-looking pirate began to sob at Fluttershy’s fate.

“Finally,” her loud voice suddenly becoming soft, “It seemed all was lost. None of the Elements of Harmony were able to function. Their leader, the brave and wise Twilight Sparkle, my best friend, crushed by the weight of the situation. Discord didn’t even have to do anything to destroy her—he let…” She stifled a quiet sob while she delivered her next line. “He let her friends do that.”

The Captain was enraptured by this story, as were his subjects. When he noticed everypony had fallen silent, he made a moving motion with his front hoof. “Well, go on! What happened next?” he urged.

Pinkie saw that her performance was working, and continued. “In our darkest hour, when everything was being swallowed by chaos and destruction, Twilight Sparkle given up, her friends broken parodies of who they once were… Suddenly, there was light.” She stood back up, and held a courageous pose. The pirates looked at her in admiration. “Suddenly, there was hope.

“As she was about to leave the town for good, Twilight found on her bed several letters she had written to her mentor, the Princess Celestia. These letters led her to rediscover what she already knew all along: that her friends were flawed—deeply flawed—but their friendship was always worth fighting for!” From this line, the Captain made a motion, “Hear, hear.”

She continued her tale, again using the grand sweeping motions as she approached the climax of the story. “So Twilight Sparkle, heartbroken no longer, traveled the land in search of her friends, and one by one, she was able to bring them back! She reminded all of us who she was, by reminding us who we were!” One particularly tough-looking pirate held his hoof up and gave a cheer.

“So before we all knew it, there we were, face-to-face once again with none other but Discord himself!” She stomped the table, gazing at each of the pirates with a steely, gravelly gaze that caused some of the pirates to whimper. “There he sat, on a throne of chaos. The land all around us, engulfed in a senseless sea of surrealism: houses upside down and hanging from the whitewashed sky, the grass a checkered marble floor, the ponies babbling and clawing at the air at things nopony else could see.”

The Captain took off his hat. “Aye, the legends WERE true,” he muttered, eyes wide, bewildered and frightened at this account.

“There we stood, defiant against this grand god of chaos. He looked down at us, as if we were all but insects to him.”

“With all due respect,” the Captain interrupted, “if he really were a god, that’s how he’d see anything.”

Pinkie nodded. “He sure did! He treated everything like it was something for him to destroy—” and then she turned back to the pirates—“and his next target was US!”

One particularly tough-looking pirate cringed and squeaked.

“But he was overconfident. He thought we were still bound, weakened by his spell.” She stood up on her hind legs and spread her foreleg apart as if about to make a grand speech. “‘Don’t you ponies ever learn?’ he said.” She went back down on all fours. “But it was HE who needed a lesson—and boy, did we ever GIVE him one!”

She began motioning with her hooves again. “In a flashing explosion of lights and color, Discord was once again sealed away, cast back into stone, and his evil was purged throughout the land. Peace was once again given to the country of Equestria.”

She sat back down on her seat and took another swig of her ginger beer. “My story…” She set it down dramatically. “…is told.”

The other pirates looked at her in admiration. They were all quiet, nopony saying anything for almost a whole minute. Finally, the Captain spoke. “Pinkie,” he began. “No, Miss Pie. Would you be interested in joining my crew?”

Pinkie Pie looked at him as though he had asked her to turn herself inside-out. Not that she couldn’t do it, she just… didn’t know how! Turning herself inside-out, that is.

“You mean I’m not apart of your crew already?” she asked with a sly smile.

The Captain smiled back. He liked this mare’s attitude! “You were a member of this crew the moment you and your friends defeated that devil Discord.” He hoofed her a black bandana, his cutie mark embroidered on its front. “Welcome aboard, matey!”

Pinkie Pie tied the bandana around her head, pirate-style. She demanded another round of ginger beer. All the pirates (plus one) continued reveling late into the night, singing songs and swapping stories.

*****

Pinkie Pie noted that the Pirate Queen was never around at these evening drinks and dinners. A few days after officially becoming a pirate, while she was helping One-Leg decipher a map, she asked him why this was so.

He told her that the Pirate Queen was said to be so amazingly beautiful that if any stallion laid his eyes on her, they’d fall madly in love with her as the Captain had. (His eyes and wistful voice suggested he had seen her once himself, but Pinkie didn’t want to press the issue.)

Pinkie Pie decided that, because she was a mare, it would be safe for her to get a good look at the Queen. One-Leg chuckled and stated that the Captain was not willing to put that suggestion to experimentation, although he personally would like to see the result. He wore a leer as he said this. Pinkie Pie scowled at him until he put it away.

When Pinkie Pie insisted that she should go see the Queen, One-Leg put his one good leg on her shoulder and said that nopony was allowed to see the Queen by order of the Captain. She had only just come into great favor with the Captain and his crew, and it wasn’t worth risking throwing away all that trust.

Pinkie Pie could see this, but also wanted to see the Pirate Queen.

She knew it wouldn’t be right to just up and ask the Captain—her Captain, now. If he was as deeply in love with his Queen as they said he was, he would certainly never willingly let any of his shipmates see her.

But thinking about it more closely, would the Captain seriously just leave his Queen all locked up like she were a prisoner? If he really loved her, then he wouldn’t do that—it just made no sense. Unless it was something she herself wanted, but why would anypony want to be locked up? Well, unless she were scared of pirates, but if she was, then how could she be a PIRATE Queen?

SO many questions!

Another day passed. Pinkie Pie had learned a great deal about sailing from her shipmates over the past weeks: which stars to use when navigating, what to predict when the sky turned certain colors, and even how to fight with a sword, and how to fire and reload a flintlock. As the day settled into night, she was approached by the first mate—the particularly tough-looking pirate from the dinner table.

“The Captain requests your presence in his cabin,” he politely requested. Pinkie was pleased her advice was still being practiced by the crew (She remembered how tough it was to teach a pirate to be polite, and remembered how this one gave her the hardest time). She followed him to the top deck.

The other crewmates who heard began to gossip. Many seemed to agree that Pinkie was going to see the Queen—after all, she was one of the six who had beaten Discord! Of course the Queen would be honored to make her acquaintance!

Having such an honor as seeing the mysterious Pirate Queen was quite heavy for Pinkie Pie. As she was led into the Captain’s Quarters, she gulped, resolved herself, and skipped merrily into the presence of her Captain.

*****

Inside was a very decorated part of the ship. Red carpet on the floor, handsome wood furniture, beautiful works of art decorating the walls, some nice windows giving a good view of the ocean outside. Pinkie was in awe. Her eyes fell on a gorgeous globe, modeled after the whole world. She walked over to it curiously, placed her hoof on it, and spun it gently, watching it as if hypnotized.

“From the way you act, I should think you’ve never seen a globe,” said the Captain, pleasantly. Pinkie gasped and turned to him. He was standing on a dais next to a tall, beautifully sculpted bed with large pink curtains. Within the curtains was a shadow.

Pinkie focused more on the shadow. The Queen, she thought, OhmygoshitsthePirate Queen! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! Imactuallygoingtoseeherohmygosh! Her thoughts were probably audible, as the Captain went on to say, “Your excitement pleases me, Miss Pie.”

He descended the three steps from the dais and walked toward Pinkie Pie. She took note of how tall he was, but managed to stand up straight herself, never breaking eye contact. One thing she had known about pirates now was to always look them in the eye—if they looked away, they were scalawags, not to be trusted. If you looked away, they’d probably shank you.

“I am very grateful for your help in teaching my crewmates to behave,” he said. “Pirates are naturally very superstitious, and it took me a lot of work just to convince them seafaring mares weren’t bad luck.” Pinkie Pie nodded. “Your crewmates are all great guys, really,” she said, a big grin on her pink face. “They just needed some advice.”

“I only ever issue out a few rules for them to follow,” continued Captain Keelhaul, pouring himself a glass of wine. “But you helped them greatly. Again, I thank you.” He offered her some wine. Pinkie thought it over, and took a glass just to be polite.

“However, onto bigger business. It seems my wife the Queen has some kind of interest in you.” It took all Pinkie had to not spit out the wine in surprise. Well, maybe not surprise—more like girlish excitement. She gulped it down loudly instead. “Really?”

“Yes,” he answered, taking a sip. “She became more interested in you when I told her your story from the other night.” He smiled and looked toward the shadow behind the curtain. Suddenly, the shadow removed the curtain—and Pinkie Pie beamed in complete, pleased surprise.

“That’s not the way I remember it,” said Fluttershy the Pirate Queen.

---

ATUHOR'S NOSE:
Another Pinkie Pie chapter! Huzzah!
For the first draft of this story, I had no idea what it was I really wanted to do. At first, Pinkie Pie would be trying to escape Gearlotte... just like Twilight Sparkle... while trying to escape a band of killers... just like Rainbow Dash. I didn't want to reuse ideas, so I putzed about for a bit, wondering what I could do with Pinkie's part of the story.
That's when, out of boredom, I doodled Pinkie Pie dressed like a pirate, opening up a treasure chest.

Eureka.

Comments

[insightguy]

WTF?????????

Your story gets weirder and weirder everytime and I'm begining to wonder............ What the actual F*** is going on?

[BenMitchell90]

Gotta say, that ending took me by surprise!

It's funny how ideas can come from the simplest things, like drawing a picture (you and Pinkie the Pirate) or listening to music (me and Clydesdale from Uncharted). It's always cool when it happens, though.

This is awesome, keep it up!

[Brony_Fife]

349034

The story exapnds across three books. It might take awhile to get to why all this is happening.
But rest assured, you'll understand what's going on soon!

[Brony_Fife]

349203

Actually, I find I'm at my most artistic when drawing the ideas I have. Some of my sketchbooks are actually chock full of possible scenes in this story. I'm afraid of posting them, though; they might give away later plot twists...

[BenMitchell90]

349214
Really? That's awesome.

[DrunkenClouds54]

Called it!fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/052/6/6/pinky_pie_nailed_it_by_rashter-d4qkgvn.gif

I KNEW it was Fluttershy when Pinkie started to think that the queen was scared of pirates. Besides, Fluttershy IS beautiful!